Joshua lifted his voice to sing the countermelody of the chorus of “The First Noel” and was satisfied that he’d hit the right notes, making a pleasant harmony with the melody most of the carolers were singing.
“Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel, born is the King of Israel.”
“Excellent job, Snow Buntings!” Ivy clapped her hands. Earlier when she was stepping onto a wooden box that appeared to have once held vegetables, she explained that she needed to stand there so everyone could clearly see her hand motions and so she could make eye contact as needed. The small singing group of about fifteen was arranged on benches in what was usually a craft shop, with the large tables pushed aside to make room.
“Do we have to be called the Snow Buntings?” a male voice called out. Snickering followed.
“Ya, we do. I’m the leader, so I get to pick. Our youth group is the Finches, and snow buntings are also songbirds, but that name gives us a Christmasy feel.”
Another singer groaned, and several more laughed.
Ivy held her hands up to call the group to order. “Josh, thanks for doing that part I asked you to sing. You’ll have to teach the rest of the men that part.”
“Sure,” he mumbled, not caring much for the attention of the entire group on him. Ivy had asked him to sing the countermelody, but he didn’t count on her drawing attention to him about it. He glanced over to the women’s section of the choir. Where did Holly go? When he’d arrived, he’d spotted her across the room. Their eyes had locked, and she smiled, but all they managed was a wave before Ivy brought the gathering to order, putting the men on one side and the women on the other.
“Very gut.” Ivy smiled as she lowered her arms from directing the singers. “This may be the best-sounding group of carolers we’ve had yet.” Ivy squinted, looking at a clock on the far wall. “Ach. Sorry. I’ve run thirty minutes past when I said I would end the practice, so that’s it for today. Thanks for coming. You can stack your lyric sheets on this crate. Remember, the weekly singles singing for tonight is at Amity’s home in about…ten minutes. See you all next week!” She hopped off her crate.
The singers started chattering among themselves as they made their way toward the door and stacked their papers as instructed. Joshua hung back, waiting for the room to clear so he could talk to Ivy. This was a good place for caroling practice. There were several long tables that were covered in craft items and pushed against the walls, so he figured it was an oversize room for making Amish crafts.
When the room thinned out, he placed his music sheets on the pile. But several of the girls stayed to talk with Ivy. He still hadn’t seen Holly. Maybe Ivy knew where she was, but Ivy was still talking with a few of the choir members. When she finished her conversation and waved goodbye to them, Joshua approached her.
“Hey, Josh. Denki for coming.”
“No problem. It was fun.” As much as he loved all things related to music, he didn’t have many opportunities to enjoy the medium. “But…I’m really only here because Holly invited me.” He looked across the room once more. “Where did your sister disappear to?”
Displeasure seemed to fill Ivy’s eyes. “Ya, about that.” She sighed and held up a lyric sheet. “Apparently she passed this to one of the singers next to her, and that person passed it to me a few minutes ago when everyone was turning in their lyric sheets.” Ivy gave the paper to him. There was a note written on the back: “I’m really tired, and I’ve got work early tomorrow. Josh is a great guy, and I know he won’t mind taking you home after practice. u—Holly”
“I saw her leaving and tried to mouth for her to stay, but I didn’t want to interrupt our rehearsal by drawing attention to sibling stuff. Because if she was doing what I thought, we would’ve argued right then and there.” Ivy rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you realize what is going on here every bit as much as I do.”
Oh. Joshua felt his cheeks burn. Holly hadn’t invited him to caroling practice so she could spend time with him outside of work-related tasks. She was passing him off to her sister.
Ivy’s face mirrored his embarrassment. “Don’t worry. When I get home, I’ll let her have it. I should’ve suspected something earlier when she kept going on and on about you and how I would like you and how you love music and I love singing. I’m sorry.”
Joshua stared at the ground. “It’s not your fault. I’ll drive you home.” He drew a deep breath and squared his shoulders. “Unless…Would you rather I drop you off at the youth singing?”
“Nee, but denki. Normally I do attend, but Mamm and I have a house cleaning scheduled at six tomorrow morning, and if I went to the singing, I wouldn’t be home until late.” She tapped her papers against the crate, stacking them neatly before she tucked the pile under her arm. “Shall we?”
They walked outside and toward Joshua’s waiting horse and rig. The other carolers had hurried off to get to the last of the games before the singing began.
“Ach. Just now thought of this, but”—Ivy opened the door to the carriage—“how do you have a horse and buggy here since you live so far away?”
Joshua held the door while she got in. He had intended to open it for her, but she beat him to it. “I had a driver drop me off at a cousin’s place. Still in the next district over but not too far from here. The horse and rig belong to him.”
Ivy’s eyes met his, and the look on her face said she understood exactly what he’d done and why. He closed the door and walked around to his side.
Rather than having the driver drop him off here, he’d borrowed a horse and rig, thinking he was going to have the privilege of driving Holly home or maybe riding around with her for a while, getting time alone. How stupid could he be?
He grabbed the reins and released the brake. Apparently very stupid. They pulled out of the gravel driveway, and Ivy directed him toward her house.
“I’m sorry about my sister.” Ivy stared at her folded hands that rested on the papers in her lap. “She can be…weird about these things. I was really hopeful when she met you that she might get over her aversion to socializing. I just want her to be happy, you know?”
“I’d like to speak with her when we get back to your house. I feel dumb about showing up. I’m sure I was the oldest one there, and I’m not normally a member of your youth singing group, so I stuck out like a sore thumb.”
“No one thought anything about that, I’m sure. And you sounded great. You added a strong voice to our men’s section. I hope you’ll still join us for the caroling, despite my sister and her shady intentions.”
It wasn’t Ivy’s fault, and he actually did enjoy the practice. What difference did it make if he was the oldest one and stuck out? He wanted to be a part of any music he could be. “Yeah, I can do that.”
“Really?” She turned to face him. “I’m surprised but so glad.”
He simply nodded, and they rode the rest of the way in silence.
Joshua pulled the rig up to the turnaround near the front porch. “Tell Holly I want to take a short ride with her. I won’t keep her from her needed sleep.”
Ivy nodded. “Of course. Denki, Josh. I’ll see you next week.” She hopped out of the buggy and entered the house.
When Holly finally heard carriage wheels grinding on the gravel driveway, she went to the front door and peered out the glass inlay. Dusk made the view rather gray, but streaks of gold and pink filled the sky. The horse and buggy Josh drove came to a halt on the driveway. Her plan of slipping out of practice was a good one. Their arriving this late had to mean they’d been riding around talking, right? He would most likely take to Ivy, and Ivy to him. Then he could have someone who wanted to find the right man and marry. Holly could then be guilt-free as she stayed focused on her mission to bring medicine to her community. If the plan was so good, why did she feel unhappy seeing her sister exit the carriage?
Ivy hurried up the steps and toward the door. Holly dashed to the nearby kitchen and pretended to be cleaning a dish as she heard the door open and close.
“Glad to see my dear, exhausted sister is resting in bed.” Ivy leaned against the kitchen counter and crossed her arms as she glared at Holly.
“It wasn’t a complete white lie. I am tired.” Holly lowered her eyes back to the dishes. “And it was for the greater good of two people I care about.”
“Look, I don’t know who you think you’re lying to, but I’m your sister. I was there when you met Josh, and I listened when you spent hours justifying to yourself why you needed to turn down dating him. You like him. I know it. You know it. Poor Josh is the only one confused by what’s going on here. You should tell him how you feel. Both of you deserve some real honesty about now.”
“I did tell him the very first day we reconnected. He was gleaning corn, and I stopped to talk with him. I told him that my work is too important to give up for a relationship.”
Ivy rolled her eyes and huffed. “I’m going to bypass every silly thing you just said and stay focused on the only thing that matters right now. You told him that nearly a month ago, and since then you have called him, had dinner at his house, and gone on outings looking for Sam Miller in your Sunday best, and then you invited him to tonight’s event.”
“Ivy…”
“Oh, and he’s waiting for you in his buggy.”
“What?” Holly looked up, startled.
“He wants to talk to you.”
This wasn’t how she expected tonight to go. “Fine.” She set the dish in the sink, dried her hands, and grabbed a sweater from the rack beside the front door. Once on the porch, she stood there, putting on her sweater and trying to find the courage to tell him the truth. During her year of knowing him—whether at a function for singles, dealing with Lyle’s health emergency, or trying to find Sam Miller—they’d been good together. She liked the guy. A lot. How could she not? But that wasn’t the point. If she married, the church leaders wouldn’t allow her to continue her education or work at the pharmacy. And if she couldn’t marry, then she shouldn’t waste his time, no matter how much she liked being around him. She drew a deep breath and went down the stairs.
Josh nodded at her when she came in view. He wasn’t smiling. He leaned across the seat and pushed her door open. “Get in. We won’t talk long.”
Her heart pounded as she wordlessly complied. The horse clippety-clopped, and the buggy ambled as Josh pulled onto the road.
After a few moments of riding in silence, she felt compelled to speak up. “Are you mad at me?” The answer was rather obvious, but she hoped it would cause him to say something. She looked over at him, but he kept his eyes on the road.
“A bit.” Another moment of silence passed. “Look, Holly, I knew up front that you weren’t interested in a relationship, for whatever reason. But I really feel duped here. You invited me to go to a fun event outside of our task of finding Sam Miller. What was I supposed to think? Your sister is nice and all, but she’s not you. She’s not the person I’ve been unable to get off my mind for months, despite my best efforts. She’s not the person I’ve been able to laugh with effortlessly. And she’s not the only woman I have ever felt some unexplainable connection with. I wouldn’t say any of that except I think you feel something for me too. Is that all in my head?”
Guilt tried to suffocate her. While she kept her heart hidden away, he was raw and vulnerable. Who stayed this calm when angry? Who was this honest about how they felt? Certainly not her. But his honesty had backed her into a corner, and she didn’t know how to get out of it without hurting him more.
“No.” The word was barely audible. She cleared her throat. “No, it’s not all in your head. But I…I just can’t. I know that, so I wanted to discourage you from thinking what we feel could lead to more. I wanted to spare you heartache.”
“First, it’s not your job to spare me heartache. Why can’t you at least give us a shot before you decide you can’t? Whatever that means.”
Emotions bubbled in her as if she had a teakettle boiling in her chest, creating a pressure that was ready to screech and release steam. “Because I could never be a good wife to you!” She sat there breathless, unable to believe what she’d let escape from her mouth.
He stared at her. “I’m not talking about marriage, Holly. I just want to see you and get to know you better.” Josh’s voice remained quiet and even-keeled despite her frantic reaction. She hadn’t meant to raise her voice.
“But that’s always the goal.” She folded her arms across her waist, squeezing tight, trying to keep control of her voice. “That’s the goal of the singings and every other type of social event—to find a suitable spouse. I’ll never be a suitable spouse for an Amish man.”
“Because you work?”
Holly nodded as a few tears escaped. She hadn’t expected him to unearth such feelings, feelings that went deeper than she had realized.
“Holly, I don’t want to change you. I only want to spend time with you. And I would never ask you to give up your work at the pharmacy.”
Holly shook her head. “Come on, Josh. You were raised just like me. A young married Amish woman can’t work outside the home, not those first few years. If money is too tight, the ministers will allow her to clean an Englisch home one day a week or take her babies in tow while she sells produce or baked goods. She certainly would not be allowed to hold a job with set hours, and Amish tradition aside, children deserve a mother who could care for them full time. The older women judge and critique how well the younger women are tending to their husbands, and if any woman isn’t handling the home well, there’s trouble—lots of it.”
He studied her. “It’s not…”
Was he going to dispute that the situation for young married women was that bad? If so, he’d apparently changed his mind. Older married women, especially those with their youngest child in school or those past childbearing years, had more wiggle room. But she couldn’t afford to lose momentum for her people by taking a sabbatical for the next fifteen to twenty years. She and Josh were caught, and there wasn’t a solution.
But maybe now he understood.
She stared straight ahead, wishing things were different. “There’s really nothing else to say, Josh. I’m not the kind of person who could give up everything to tend to her husband and babies. Would you want to give up who you are, give up running Smucker Farms, to marry me? There are young Amish women who are praying to find someone like you, women who long to stop working outside the home and have babies.”
She looked out the window, hoping he didn’t see her tears in the dim lighting. “Please take me home. I understand if you can’t help me anymore. You have certainly done a lot.”
Josh sighed, but he didn’t say anything else.
When she joined the church at seventeen, she knew she was signing up for a life of celibacy. It hadn’t mattered to her then, but she hadn’t known someone like Josh would come along. Still, she couldn’t stop following what God had put inside her before she met Josh.
But her heart was breaking.