There ain’t nobody to be pretty for, fuck it, Let it rattle.

P.O.S., “LET IT RATTLE”

15

IN ALL THE WORLDS UNTIL THE END OF TIME

So, as we’ve covered, inspiration is accessible in even the most unexpected and curious situations, but sometimes . . . sometimes no matter how hard you look, inspiration will seemingly be nowhere to be found, and you’re going to come up empty-handed. For example, when I sit down to write, I sometimes find myself feeling completely inadequate, not only as a writer but also as someone who has anything worth saying regarding spirituality. I force out sentences that turn into paragraphs, which I then delete in serious frustration. Along with the feelings of being a shitty writer and someone who has nothing worthy to say come other self-deprecating thoughts. It’s a completely uninspired experience, but I’ve become pretty good at reminding myself that not all hope is lost.

When I get to that state of feeling “less than,” I often think about a profound teaching on—or maybe it’s more accurate to say, a guided journey through—the experience of “I AMness” as written by Ken Wilber in his book The Integral Vision.

In that journey, we’re guided to remember our essential I AMness, which is to say our true Self, first by noticing our present-moment awareness (which we’ll go into in more detail shortly). As we anchor into the present moment, we also want to become aware of the images, thoughts, feelings, and sensations that are arising in our bodies, as well as all the objects arising around us in our environment.

So, when I’m feeling inadequate, I become aware of the complete absurdity of the mental conversation I’m having with myself. More importantly, I become conscious that, underneath the internal bickering, there is an awareness witnessing it all. For example, I acknowledge all the negative self-talk and accompanying shitty feelings as arising in my awareness instead of identifying with them. Many spiritual teachers use the example of clouds passing in the sky, saying that we’re the everpresent, witnessing sky, and the clouds, temporary as they are, are our thoughts floating by.

When I feel sadness arise, instead of identifying myself with it, I identify myself with the Witnessing Awareness that is watching the sadness arise—a simple shift in perception but one that has profound effects. “I” am no longer sad but instead am aware of sadness arising within me. With awareness comes a dis-identification from the thoughts and emotions; in turn, this creates just a big-enough space to allow some peace and acceptance to enter. “I” am no longer sad, or scared, or pissed-off. Instead, I’m watching, witnessing, and acknowledging these emotions.

Going back to Ken’s teaching, we next begin to think about what was in our awareness five minutes ago, noticing that most of our thoughts, sensations, and even environment may have changed. There is also something in us that is unchanged, something that is the same in this moment as it was five minutes ago. That something is what Ken calls I AMness.

He describes this I AMness as a “self-knowing, self-recognizing, self-validating, ever-present feeling awareness.”1 Any time I am caught in my mental ridiculousness, there is always an ever-present awareness underneath that is witnessing it all go down, with complete impartiality.

Once you’ve recognized that I AMness, think back to five hours ago, then to five years ago, with the understanding that countless objects, thoughts, dramas, and terrors have come, stayed a little while, and then gone. As I sat and seriously contemplated this, I thought about all the times I’ve judged myself, harmed myself emotionally and physically, wanted to live, wanted to die, loved God, hated God, and believed I would never return to active addiction. Through all these experiences, and the multitudes of others that have come and gone, the one thing that has been ever present is I AMness. It is as present right now in this very moment as it was five hours or five years ago, consistently during the good times and the bad.

We don’t stop here. Our next step is to think about that which was present five centuries ago and five millennia ago. And finally, with an open heart and an open mind, to deeply contemplate the following:

All that is ever-present is I AMness. Every person feels this same I AMness—because it is not a body, not a thought, it is not an object, it is not the environment, it is not anything that can be seen, but rather is the ever-present Seer, the ongoing open and empty Witness of all that is arising, in any person, in any world, in any place, at any time, in all the worlds until the end of time, there is only and always this obvious and immediate I AMness. What else could you possibly know?2

When I take all this to heart, I find it really helps put into perspective just how much unnecessary suffering I have experienced—and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. Why identify so rigidly with our thoughts about our temporary life circumstances and all the subsequent mental dramas they create?

Of course, there’s the very reasonable chance that tomorrow, or hell, even a few hours from now, I may again fall back into some other form of drama over ridiculous shit, because at the end of the day, I’m still human. However, as I hold the teaching of I AMness close to my heart, I find that this happens significantly less often and for much shorter periods of time. It’s the little victories in life, ya know?