ACT II
Entr’acte
After a musical entr’acte, the QUINTET enters.
MRS. ANDERSSEN:
The sun sits low,
Diffusing its usual glow.
Five o‘clock ...
Twilight ...
Vespers sound,
And it’s six o’clock ...
Twilight
All around,
ALL:
But the sun sits low,
As low as it’s going to go.
MR. ERLANSON:
Eight o’clock ...
MR. LINDQUIST:
Twilight...
WOMEN:
How enthralling!
MR. ERLANSON:
It’s nine o’clock ...
MR. LINDQUIST :
Twilight ...
WOMEN:
Slowly crawling
Towards
MR. ERLANSON :
Ten o’clock ...
MR. LINDQUIST:
Twilight ...
WOMEN:
Crickets calling,
ALL:
The vespers ring,
The nightingale’s waiting to sing.
The rest of us wait on a string.
Perpetual sunset
Is rather an unset-
Tling thing.
(The show curtain rises on Scene 1)
Scene 1
THE ARMFELDT LAWN
FRID is serving champagne to DESIRÉE and MALLA. FREDRIKA, upstage, is playing croquet with the help of BERTRAND, MADAME ARMFELDT’s page. FRID returns to MADAME ARMFELDT. OSA, MADAME ARMFELDT’s maid, passes with a tray of cookies, and FREDRIKA takes one. DESIRÉE gets a mallet and begins to play croquet.
MADAME ARMFELDT: To lose a lover or even a husband or two during the course of one’s life can be vexing. But to lose one’s teeth is a catastrophe. Bear that in mind, child, as you chomp so recklessly into that ginger snap.
FREDRIKA: Very well, Grandmother.
MADAME ARMFELDT (Holding up her glass to FRID): More champagne, Frid.
(FRID gets a fresh bottle)
One bottle the less of the Mumms ’87 will not, I hope, diminish the hilarity at my wake.
(DESIRÉE sits on the rise. FRID opens the bottle with a loud pop!)
QUINTET:
The sun won’t set.
It’s useless to hope or to fret.
It’s dark as it’s going to get.
The hands on the clock turn,
But don’t sing a nocturne
Just yet.
(Off, we hear a car-horn)
DESIRÉE: They’re coming!
MADAME ARMFELDT: Nonsense!
DESIRÉE: But they are!
MADAME ARMFELDT: Impossible. No guest with the slightest grasp of what is seemly would arrive before five-fifteen on a Friday afternoon.
(We hear the car-horn again, and this time it’s louder)
Good God, you’re right!
DESIRÉE: Malla!
(DESIRÉE runs up into the house, followed closely by MALLA and OSA. BERTRAND exits with the croquet set)
MADAME ARMFELDT: Frid! We cannot be caught squatting on the ground like Bohemians!
(FRID scoops her up and carries her into the house. FREDRIKA follows. The QUINTET runs on to collect the furniture and props left on stage. They freeze for a moment at the sound of the car-horn, and then all run off A beat later, CARL-MAGNUS’s sports car drives on. CARL-MAGNUS is driving; CHARLOTTE sits beside him. CARL-MAGNUS stops the car and gets out)
CHARLOTTE (Looking around): Happy birthday to me!
CARL-MAGNUS (Inspecting a wheel): What was that?
CHARLOTTE: I merely said ... oh, never mind.
CARL-MAGNUS: If that damn lawyer thinks he’s going to get away with something — Haha!
CHARLOTTE: Haha! indeed, dear.
(CARL-MAGNUS helps CHARLOTTE out of the car)
CARL-MAGNUS: Watch him, Charlotte. Watch them both like a...
CHARLOTTE: Hawk. I know, dear. You’re a tiger, I’m a hawk.
We’re our own zoo.
(As she speaks, a touring car sweeps on from the opposite side. It is driven rather erratically by FREDRIK with ANNE beside him. HENRIK and PETRA are in the back seat with a pile of luggage. The car only just misses CARL-MAGNUS’s car as it shudders to a stop. Recognition comes. FREDRIK gets out of his car)
FREDRIK: Good day, sir. I was not aware that you were to be a fellow guest.
(FREDRIK opens the car door and helps ANNE out. HENRIK helps PETRA out of the back seat)
CARL-MAGNUS: Neither is Miss Armfeldt. I hope our arrival will in no way inconvenience you.
FREDRIK: Not at all, not at all. I am happy to see that you have gotten through yet another week without any serious wounds.
CARL-MAGNUS: What’s that? Wounds, sir?
FREDRIK: Rapier? Bow and arrow? Blow dart?
(At this point, ANNE and CHARLOTTE see each other. They run together. On the way, ANNE drops her handkerchief)
| ANNE (Hissing): | CHARLOTTE (Hissing): |
| So you did come? (Pause) | So you did come? (Pause) |
| Talk later. | Talk later. |
(HENRIK, tremendously solicitous, holds out the handkerchief to ANNE)
HENRIK: Your handkerchief, Anne.
ANNE (Taking it, moving away): Thank you.
HENRIK: You must have dropped it.
(PETRA taps HENRIK on the Shoulder)
PETRA: Your book, Master Henrik.
HENRIK (Taking it): Thank you.
PETRA (With soupy mock-solicitousness): You must have dropped it.
(PETRA moves to get the luggage. FRID, seeing and immediately appreciating PETRA, goes to her)
FRID: Here. Let me.
PETRA (Handing him two suitcases): Let you — what?
(PETRA, with one suitcase, enters the house, followed by FRID, who is carrying two. HENRIK is moodily drifting away as DESIRÉE emerges from the house. She is followed by FREDRIKA, and smiling dazzingly for the EGERMANS)
DESIRÉE: Ah, here you all are ...
(CARL-MAGNUS clears his throat noisily. The smile dies)
Count Malcolm!
CARL-MAGNUS (Bowing frigidly over her hand): My wife and I were in the neighborhood to visit her cousin. Unhappily, on arrival, we discovered the chateau was quarantined for ...
(Snaps his fingers at CHARLOTTE)
CHARLOTTE: Plague.
CARL-MAGNUS: Since I am due back to maneuvers by dawn, we venture to propose ourselves for the night.
DESIRÉE (Concealing no little fluster): Well, yes. Indeed. Why not? Mother will be honored! — surprised, but honored.
(DESIRÉE crosses to CHARLOTTE, and sweeps past her, barely touching her hand)
Countess Malcolm, I presume?
CHARLOTTE (As DESIRÉE sweeps past her): You do indeed, Miss Armfeldt.
DESIRÉE: And Mr. Egerman! How kind of you all to come. Mother will be overjoyed.
FREDRIK (Bending over her hand): It is your mother who is kind in inviting us. Allow me to present my rather antisocial son, Henrik.
(Points to the drifting away HENRIK, who turns to acknowledge her)
And this is my wife.
(He presents ANNE)
DESIRÉE: How do you do?
ANNE (Icy): How do you do?
DESIRÉE (Indicating FREDRIKA): And this is my daughter.
(Pause)
You must all be exhausted after your journeys; my daughter will show you to your rooms. Mother likes dinner at nine.
(FREDRIKA leads them into the house: CHARLOTTE, then ANNE, then HENRIK, then OSA. FREDRIKA returns to the terrace. Simultaneously, both FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS turn, both with the same idea: to get DESIRÉE alone)
CARL-MAGNUS and FREDRIK: Where shall I put the car?
(They exchange a hostile glare)
DESIRÉE (Even more flustered): Ah, the cars, the cars! Now let me see.
CARL-MAGNUS (Hissing): I must speak to you at once!
DESIRÉE (Whispering): Later.
(Out loud)
How about the stables? They’re straight ahead.
FREDRIK (Hissing): I must speak to you at once!
DESIRÉE (Whispering): Later.
(Reassured, CARL-MAGNUS and FREDRIK return to their cars. Calling after him)
You can’t miss them, Mr. Egerman. Just look for the weather vane. A huge tin cockerel.
(Spinning to FREDRIKA, pulling her downstate)
Disaster, darling!
FREDRIKA: But what are you going to do? The way he glared at Mr. Egerman! He’ll kill him!
DESIRÉE: Let us keep calm.
(FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS, both with auto-cranks in hand, start back toward DESIRÉE)
FREDRIKA (Noticing): They’re coming back!
DESIRÉE (Totally losing her calm): Oh no! Oh God!
(DESIRÉE starts to run up to the house)
FREDRIKA (Calling after her): But what should I say?
DESIRÉE: Anything!
(She runs into the house, as FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS, gazing after DESIRÉE in astonishment, come up to FREDRIKA)
FREDRIKA (On the spot but gracious, seemingly composed): Mr.
Egerman — Count Malcolm ... Mother told me to tell you that she suddenly ...
(She breaks)
... oh dear, oh dear.
(She scurries up into the house. The two men react, then, ignoring each other, return to their cars. They each crank their cars and get into them. The cars back out offstage. MR. ERLANSON and MRS. NORDSTROM enter)
MRS. NORDSTROM:
The sun sits low
And the vespers ring,
MR. ERLANSON:
And the shadows grow
And the crickets sing,
And it’s...
MRS. NORDSTROM:
Look! Is that the moon?
MR. ERLANSON:
Yes.
What a lovely afternoon!
MRS. NORDSTROM:
Yes.
MR. ERLANSON:
The evening air
Doesn’t feel quite right
MRS. NORDSTROM:
In the not-quite glare
Of the not-quite night,
And it’s ...
Wait! Is that a star?
MR. ERLANSON:
No.
Just the glow of a cigar.
MRS. NORDSTROM:
Oh.
(They exit)
Scene 2
ANOTHER PART OF THE GARDEN
ANNE leads CHARLOTTE on. Both women carry parasols.
ANNE: ... After I spoke to you, I thought: I will go! I won’t! Then I thought: Why not? We’ll go to that awful woman’s house and I’ll say to her: “How dare you try to steal my husband? At your age you should have acquired at least some moral sense.” And then — then in the motorcar coming here, I thought: Oh dear, I’ll never have the courage and maybe it’s all my fault. And oh, I want to go home.
(Bursts into sobs)
CHARLOTTE: Have no fears. Miss Armfeldt has met her match.
ANNE (Astonished, even through tears): She has? Who?
CHARLOTTE: Me. When I told my husband, he instantly became a tiger — his word, of course — and then, as if from heaven, a plan flashed into my mind.
(Pause)
Do you feel up to hearing my plan, dear?
(ANNE gives a little nod)
I shall make love to your husband.
ANNE (Aghast): You too?
CHARLOTTE: Confident of my own charms, I shall throw myself into your husband’s arms. He will succumb. Why not? Carl-Magnus, in a storm of jealousy, will beg my forgiveness and swear eternal fidelity. And as for Miss Desirée Armfeldt, she will be back peddling her dubious commodities elsewhere. At least, that is the plan.
ANNE (Suddenly forgetful of her tears): Oh how amusing. How extremely amusing. Poor old Fredrik. And it serves him right, too.
CHARLOTTE: I am not sure I appreciate that remark, dear.
(FREDRIK appears, walking toward them)
FREDRIK: Ah, here you are, ladies.
CHARLOTTE (Sudden devastating smile at FREDRIK): Oh, Mr. Egerman! If you’ll pardon my saying so, that’s a simply ravishing cravat.
FREDRIK (Slightly bewildered): It is?
CHARLOTTE (Taking FREDRIK’s left arm; ANNE takes his right arm): I can’t remember when I have seen so seductive a cravat.
(As ANNE suppresses giggles, they all walk off together. As ANNE, CHARLOTTE, and FREDRIK exit, MR. LINDQUIST and MRS. SEGSTROM appear)
MR. LINDQUIST:
The atmosphere’s becoming heady,
The ambiance thrilling,
MRS. SEGSTROM:
The spirit unsteady,
The flesh far too willing.
MR. LINDQUIST:
To be perpetually ready
Is far from fulfilling ...
MRS. SEGSTROM:
But wait —
The sun
Is dipping.
MR. LINDQUIST:
Where?
You’re right.
It’s dropping.
Look — !
At last!
It’s slipping.
MRS. SEGSTROM:
Sorry,
My mistake,
It’s stopping.
(They exit)
Scene 2A
ANOTHER PART OF THE GARDEN
FREDRIKA enters.
FREDRIKA: Oh, I do agree that life at times can seem complicated.
(HENRIK enters behind her)
HENRIK: Complicated! If only you knew! Oh, Miss ... Miss ...
FREDRIKA: Armfeldt. I am not legitimate.
HENRIK: I see. Oh, Miss Armfeldt, all my life, I’ve made a fiasco of everything. If you knew how poor an opinion I have of myself! If you knew how many times I wish I had been one of the spermatazoa that never reached the womb.
(He breaks from her)
There, there! You see? I’ve done it again!
FREDRIKA: Mr. Egerman, I have toured with mother, you know. I’m broadminded.
HENRIK: You are? Then in that case, might I make a confession to you?
FREDRIKA: Of course.
HENRIK: I hate to burden you on so slight an acquaintance, but bottling it up inside of me is driving me insane.
(Pause. With great effort)
Oh, Miss Armfeldt, for the past eleven months, although I am preparing to enter the Ministry, I —
(He can’t get it out)
FREDRIKA: What, Mr. Egerman?
HENRIK: I have been madly, hopelessly in love with my stepmother. Do you realize how many mortal sins that involves? Oh, damn everything to hell! I beg your pardon.
(They link arms and walk off. MR. LINDQUIST, MRS. SEGSTROM, MR. ERLANSON, MRS. ANDERSSEN and MRS. NORDSTROM enter and sing)
QUINTET:
The light is pink
And the air is still
And the sun is slinking
Behind the hill.
And when finally it sets,
As finally it must,
When finally it lets
The moon and stars adjust,
When finally we greet the dark
And we’re breathing Amen —
MRS. ANDERSSEN:
Surprise of surprises,
It instantly rises
Again.
(The QUINTET exits)
Scene 3
ARMFELDT TERRACE
Both dressed for dinner, FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS are discovered; FREDRIK dowmstage, CARL-MAGNUS pacing on the porch. FREDRIK has a cigar and a small liqueur glass; CARL-MAGNUS carries a champagne glass.
FREDRIK (Sings, to himself):
I should never have
Gone to the theatre.
Then I’d never have come
To the country.
If I never had come
To the country,
Matters might have stayed
As they were.
CARL-MAGNUS (Nods): Sir ...
FREDRIK (Nods): Sir ...
(To himself again)
If she’d only been faded,
If she’d only been fat,
If she’d only been jaded
And bursting with chat,
If she’d only been perfectly awful,
It would have been wonderful.
If... if...
If she’d been all a-twitter
Or elusively cold,
If she’d only been bitter,
Or better, looked passably old,
If she’d been covered with glitter
Or even been covered with mold,
It would have been wonderful.
But the woman was perfection,
To my deepest dismay.
Well, not quite perfection,
I’m sorry to say.
If the woman were perfection,
She would go away,
And that would be wonderful.
(To CARL-MAGNUS)
Sir...
CARL-MAGNUS: Sir ...
If she’d only looked flustered
Or admitted the worst,
If she only had blustered
Or simpered or cursed,
If she weren’t so awfully perfect,
It would have been wonderful.
If...
If...
If she’d tried to be clever,
If she’d started to flinch,
If she’d cried or whatever
A woman would do in a pinch,
If I’d been certain she never
Again could be trusted an inch,
It would have been wonderful.
But the woman was perfection,
Not an action denied,
The kind of perfection
I cannot abide.
If the woman were perfection,
She’d have simply lied,
Which would have been wonderful.
FREDRIK:
If she’d only been vicious...
CARL-MAGNUS:
If she’d acted abused ...
FREDRIK:
Or a bit too delicious ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Or been even slightly confused ...
FREDRIK:
If she had only been sulky ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Or bristling ...
FREDRIK:
Or bulky ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Or bruised ...
BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.
CARL-MAGNUS:
If...
BOTH:
If...
FREDRIK:
If she’d only been willful ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
If she only had fled ...
FREDRIK:
Or a little less skillful ...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Insulted, insisting ...
FREDRIK:
In bed...
CARL-MAGNUS:
If she had only been fearful ...
FREDRIK:
Or married...
CARL-MAGNUS:
Or tearful ...
FREDRIK:
Or dead ...
BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.
But the woman was perfection,
And the prospects are grim.
That lovely perfection
That nothing can dim.
Yes, the woman was perfection,
So I’m here with him ...
CARL-MAGNUS: Sir ...
FREDRIK: Sir ...
BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.
(FREDRIKA enters from the house)
FREDRIKA: Excuse me, Count Malcolm, but Mother says she would like a word with you in the green salon.
(CARL-MAGNUS, glaring triumphantly at FREDRIK, strides into the house. FREDRIKA stands and grins shyly at FREDRIK, then follows CARL-MAGNUS into the house. DESIRÉE enters)
DESIRÉE: Fredrik, you wanted a moment alone with me, I believe. Here it is.
FREDRIK (Puzzled): But that child said ...
DESIRÉE: Oh, that was just Fredrika’s little stratagem.
FREDRIK: Fredrika? Your child is called Fredrika?
DESIRÉE: Yes.
FREDRIK: Ah!
DESIRÉE: Really, Fredrik, what vanity. As if you were the only Fredrik in the world.
(Brisk)
Now, what is it you want to tell me?
FREDRIK: As a matter of fact, I thought you should know that my wife has no inkling of the nightshirt episode. So we should be discreet.
DESIRÉE: Dear Fredrik, of course. I wouldn’t dream of giving that enchanting child a moment’s anxiety.
FREDRIK: Then you do see her charm?
DESIRÉE: How could anyone miss it? How lovely to see you, Fredrik.
FREDRIK: In spite of Count Malcolm’s invasion? You’re sure we’re not complicating ...
CARL-MAGNUS (Off): Desirée!
FREDRIK: Oh God! Something tells me I should make myself scarce.
CARL-MAGNUS (Off): Desirée!
FREDRIK: Later, perhaps?
DESIRÉE: Any time.
FREDRIK: In your room?
DESIRÉE: In my room.
(FREDRIK looks around for a place to hide. He finds the statue, puts his glass on it, and hides behind it. He douses his cigar in another glass resting on the statue) it. He douses his cigar in another glass resting on the statue)
CARL-MAGNUS (Comes out of the house): Desirée!
DESIRÉE (Calling, excessively sweet): Here, dear!
CARL-MAGNUS: That child said the green salon.
DESIRÉE: She did? How extraordinary.
CARL-MAGNUS: Where’s that goddamn lawyer?
DESIRÉE (Airy): Mr. Egerman? Oh, somewhere about, no doubt.
CARL-MAGNUS: What’s he doing here anyway?
DESIRÉE: He’s visiting my mother, of course. He told you. They’re the most devoted old friends.
CARL-MAGNUS: That had better be the truth. If I catch him so much as touching you, I’ll call him out — with rapiers!
(Glares)
Where is your bedroom? Readily accessible, I trust.
DESIRÉE (Aghast): But, Carl-Magnus!
(FRID enters from the house, crosses downstage)
With your wife here ... !
CARL-MAGNUS: Charlotte is irrelevant. I shall visit your bedroom at the earliest opportunity tonight.
FRID: Madame, Count Malcolm! Dinner is served.
(As he moves past them to pick up FREDRIK ’s glass, he sees FREDRIK behind the statue. Totally unaware of complications )
Dinner is served, Mr. Egerman.
(FRID exits up into the house)
DESIRÉE (Rising to it): Ah, there you are, Mr. Egerman!
(FREDRIK comes out from behind the statue, laughing)
Gentlemen, shall we proceed?
(Gives one arm to each as they start up into the house and freeze in place)
Scene 4
THE DINING ROOM
As the dining room table and guests come on, MRS, NORDSTROM, MRS. SEGSTROM and MRS. ANDERSSEN Sing:
| MRS. NORDSTROM: | ||
| Perpetual anticipation is | ||
| Good for the soul | MRS. SEGSTROM: | |
| But it’s bad for the heart. | Perpetual antici- Pation is good for | |
| It’s very good for practicing | ||
| The | ||
| Self-control. | Soul, but it’s bad | |
| It’s very good for | For the | |
| Morals, | Heart. | |
| But bad for morale. | It’s very good for | |
| It’s very bad. | Practicing self- | |
| It can lead to | Control. It’s very good for | MRS. ANDERSSEN: Per- |
| Going quite mad. | Morals but bad | Petual anticipation is good |
| It’s very good for | For morale. It’s | |
| For | ||
| Reserve and | Too unnerving. | The soul, but |
| It’s | ||
| Learning to do | It’s very good, | Bad for the |
| Heart. | ||
| What one should. | Though, to have | It’s |
| It’s very good. | Things to contem- | Very good, |
| Though, | ||
| To learn to | ||
| Perpetual anticipation’s | Plate. | Wait. |
| A delicate art. | Perpetual anticipation’s a | |
| Perpetual | ||
| Anticipation’s | ||
| A | ||
| Playing a role, | Delicate art. | |
| Delicate art. | ||
| Aching to start, | Playing a role, | |
| Playing a role, | ||
| Keeping control | Aching to start, | |
| Aching to start, | ||
| While falling apart, | Keeping control | |
| Keeping control | ||
| Perpetual anticipation is | While falling | |
| Apart, | While falling | |
| Apart, | ||
| Good for the soul | Perpetual anticipation is good | |
| Perpetual | ||
| Anticipation | ||
| Is bad for | ||
| But it’s bad for | But it’s bad for | |
| The heart. | The heart. | The heart. |
(The dining room table has moved onstage with MADAME ARMFELDT already seated in place, facing the audience in solitary splendor. The table is elaborately dressed with fruit and floral pieces and expensive dinnerware. There are also two large candelabra, one at each end of the table. Parallel to the table and upstage of it, the line of servants has come on: BERTRAND, OSA, PETRA, and FRID. OSA and PETRA stand with trays as FRID and BERTRAND light the candelabra.
Once the table is in place, FREDRIK and CARL-MAGNUS move up to it with DESIRÉE. FREDRIK pulls out a chair for DESIRÉE and she sits. FREDRIK gets ANNE and seats her. CHARLOTTE enters, CARL-MAGNUS seats her on the extreme right end of the table. He then moves to the extreme left, and sits down next to DESIRÉE. HENRIK sits between DESIRÉE and ANNE, FREDRIK between ANNE and CHARLOTTE. The guests all sit facing upstage. FRID and BERTRAND pour, and MADAME ARMFELDT raises her glass. The others follow her. When the glasses come down, there is a burst of laughter and noise from the guests. FREDRIKA, seated at the piano, “accompanies” the scene)
DESIRÉE: ... So you won the case after all, Mr. Egerman! How splendid!
FREDRIK: I was rather proud of myself.
DESIRÉE: And I’m sure you were tremendously proud of him too, Mrs. Egerman.
ANNE: I beg your pardon? Oh, I expect so, although I don’t seem to remember much about it.
(CHARLOTTE extends her glass; BERTRAND fills it)
FREDRIK: I try not to bore my wife with my dubious victories in the courtroom.
DESIRÉE: How wise you are. I remember when I was her age, anything less than a new dress, or a ball, or a thrilling piece of gossip bored me to tears.
FREDRIK: That is the charm of youth.
CHARLOTTE: Dearest Miss Armfeldt, do regale us with more fascinating reminiscences from your remote youth.
CARL-MAGNUS : Charlotte, that is an idiotic remark.
FREDRIK: A man’s youth may be as remote as a dinosaur, Countess, but with a beautiful woman, youth merely accompanies her through the years.
CHARLOTTE: Oh, Mr. Egerman, that is too enchanting!
(Leaning over her chair)
Anne, dear, where on earth did you find this simply adorable husband?
ANNE (Leans. In on the “plan,” of course, giggling): I’m glad you approve of him.
CHARLOTTE (To HENRIK): Your father...
(HENRIK leans)
is irresistible.
(CARL-MAGNUS leans)
I shall monopolize him for the entire weekend.
(DESIRÉE leans. Then, to ANNE)
Will you lease him to me, dear?
ANNE (Giggling): Freely. He’s all yours.
(FREDRIK looks at ANNE, then at CHARLOTTE, then leans)
... unless, of course, our hostess has other plans for him.
DESIRÉE (Smooth, getting out of her seat): I had thought of seducing him into rolling the croquet lawn tomorrow, but I’m sure he’d find the Countess less exhausting.
CHARLOTTE (Rising): I wouldn’t guarantee that!
(Clapping her hand over her mouth)
Oh, how could those wicked words have passed these lips!
CARL-MAGNUS (Astonished, rising): Charlotte!
CHARLOTTE: Oh, Carl-Magnus, dear, don’t say you’re bristling!
(To FREDRIK, who has also risen. From here the two of them move to the music in a stylized fashion)
My husband, Mr. Egerman, is a veritable porcupine. At the least provocation he is all spines — or is it quills? Beware. I am leading you down dangerous paths!
CARL-MAGNUS (Frigid): I apologize for my wife, sir. She is not herself tonight.
FREDRIK (Both amused and gracious): If she is this charming when she is not herself, sir, I would be fascinated to meet her when she is.
CHARLOTTE: Bravo, bravo! My champion!
(HENRIK and ANNE get up from the table and join the stylized dance)
May tomorrow find us thigh to thigh pushing the garden roller in tandem.
FREDRIK (Turning it into a joke): That would depend on the width of the rollers.
(To DESIRÉE)
Miss Armfeldt, as a stranger in this house, may I ask if your roller...
CARL-MAGNUS (Instantly picking this up): Stranger, sir? How can you call yourself a stranger in this house?
FREDRIK (Momentarily bewildered): I beg your pardon?
CARL-MAGNUS (Triumphantly sure he has found FREDRIK and DESIRÉE out, to MADAME ARMFELDT): I understand from your daughter, Madame, that Mr. Egerman is an old friend of yours and consequently a frequent visitor to this house.
MADAME ARMFELDT (Vaguely aware of him, peering through a lorgnette): Are you addressing me, sir? Whoever you may be.
CAR-MAGNUS: I am, Madame.
MADAME ARMFELDT: Then be so kind as to repeat yourself.
DESIRÉE (Breaking in): Mother, Count Malcolm —
MADAME ARMFELDT (Overriding this, ignoring her, to CARL-MAGNUS): Judging from the level of the conversation so far, young man, you can hardly expect me to have been paying attention.
(CARL-MAGNUS is taken aback)
CHARLOTTE: Splendid! The thrust direct! I shall commandeer that remark and wreak havoc with it at all my husband’s regimental dinner parties!
(The guests waltz slowly for a moment. Finally MADAME ARMFELDT tings on a glass with her fork for silence)
MADAME ARMFELDT (As FRID and BERTRAND serve): Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I am serving you a very special dessert wine. It is from the cellars of the King of the Belgians who — during a period of intense intimacy — presented me with all the bottles then in existence. The secret of its unique quality is unknown, but it is said to possess the power to open the eyes of even the blindest among us ...
(Raising her glass)
To Life!
(The guests all raise their glasses)
THE GUESTS: To Life!
MADAME ARMFELDT: And to the only other reality — Death! (Only MADAME ARMFELDT and CHARLOTTE drink. A sudden chilly silence descends on the party as if a huge shadow had passed over it. The guests slowly drift back to the table in silence. At length the silence is broken by a little tipsy giggle from CHARLOTTE)
CHARLOTTE: Oh I am enjoying myself! What an unusual sensation!
(Raises her glass to DESIRÉE)
Dearest Miss Armfeldt, at this awe-inspiring moment — let me drink to you who have made this evening possible. The One and Only Desirée Armfeldt, beloved of hundreds —regardless of course of their matrimonial obligations!
(Hiccups)
CARL-MAGNUS: Charlotte, you will go to your room immediately.
(There is general consternation)
FREDRIK: Miss Armfeldt, I’m sure the Countess —
ANNE: Oh dear, oh dear, I am beside myself.
HENRIK (Suddenly jumping up, shouting, smashing his glass on the table): Stop it! All of you! Stop it!
(There is instant silence)
FREDRIK: Henrik!
HENRIK (Swinging to glare at him): Are you reproving me?
FREDRIK: I think, if I were you, I would sit down.
HENRIK: Sit, Henrik. Stand, Henrik. Am I to spend the rest of my life at your command, like a lapdog? Am I to respect a man who can permit such filthy pigs’ talk in front of the purest, the most innocent, the most wonderful ... ? I despise you all!
ANNE (Giggling nervously): Oh, Henrik! How comical you look!
DESIRÉE (Smiling, holding out her glass to him): Smash this, too. Smash every glass in the house if you feel like it.
HENRIK (Bewildered and indignant): And you! You’re an artist! You play Ibsen and — and Racine! Don’t any of the great truths of the artists come through to you at all? Are you no better than the others?
DESIRÉE: Why don’t you just laugh at us all, my dear? Wouldn’t that be a solution?
HENRIK: How can I laugh, when life makes me want to vomit?
(He runs out of the room)
ANNE: Poor silly Henrik. Someone should go after him.
(She gets up from the table, starts away)
FREDRIK (Standing, very authoritative): Anne. Come back.
(Meekly, ANNE obeys, sitting down again at the table. Total silence. FREDRIK sits. Then, after a beat, a hiccup from CHARLOTTE)
DESIRÉE: Dear Countess, may I suggest that you try holding your breath — for a very long time?
(The lights go down on the scene, and the table moves off)
Scene 5
ARMFELDT GARDEN
HENRIK runs on and stands near the bench in despair. FREDRIKA, at the piano, sees him.
FREDRIKA (Stops playing): Mr. Egerman!
(HENRIK ignores her)
Mr. Egerman?
(HENRIK looks up)
HENRIK: I have disgraced myself — acting like a madman, breaking an expensive glass, humiliating myself in front of them all.
FREDRIKA: Poor Mr. Egerman!
HENRIK (Defending himself in spite of himself): They laughed at me. Even Anne. She said, “Silly Henrik, how comical you look!” Laughter! How I detest it! Your mother — everyone — says, “Laugh at it all.” If all you can do is laugh at the cynicism, the frivolity, the lack of heart — then I’d rather be dead.
ANNE (Off): Henrik!
HENRIK: Oh God! There she is!
(He runs off)
ANNE (Off): Henrik, dear!
FREDRIKA (Calls after him): Mr. Egerman! Please don’t do anything rash!
(ANNE runs on)
Oh, Mrs. Egerman, I’m so terribly worried.
ANNE: You poor dear. What about?
FREDRIKA: About Mr. Egerman —Junior, that is.
ANNE: Silly Henrik! I was just coming out to scold him.
FREDRIKA: I am so afraid he may do himself an injury.
ANNE: How delightful to be talking to someone younger than myself. No doubt he has been denouncing the wickedness of the world — and quoting Martin Luther? Dearest Fredrika, all you were witnessing was the latest crisis in his love affair with God.
FREDRIKA: Not with God, Mrs. Egerman — with you!
ANNE (Totally surprised): Me!
FREDRIKA: You may not have noticed, but he is madly, hopelessly in love with you.
ANNE: Is that really the truth?
FREDRIKA: Yes, he told me so himself.
ANNE (Thrilled, flattered, perhaps more): The poor dear boy! How ridiculous of him — and yet how charming. Dear friend, if you knew how insecure I constantly feel, how complicated the marriage state seems to be. I adore old Fredrik, of course, but ...
FREDRIKA (Interrupting): But Mrs. Egerman, he ran down towards the lake!
ANNE (Laughing): To gaze over the ornamental waters! How touching! Let us go and find him.
(ANNE takes FREDRIKA’s arm and starts walking off with her)
Such a good looking boy, isn’t he? Such long, long lashes ...
(They exit giggling, arm-in-arm)
Scene 5A
ANOTHER PART OF THE GARDEN
FRID runs on from behind a screen, followed by a more leisurely PETRA. They have a bottle of wine and a small bundle of food with them.
PETRA: Who needs a haystack? Anything you’ve got to show, you can show me right here — that is, if you’re in the mood.
FRID (Taking her into his arms) : When am I not in the mood?
PETRA (Laughing): I wouldn’t know, would I? I’m just passing through.
FRID: I’m in the mood.
(Kiss)
I’m in it twenty-four hours a day.
(Kiss. FREDRIKA runs across stage)
FREDRIKA: Mr. Egerman!
PETRA: Private here, isn’t it?
(ANNE runs across stage)
ANNE: Henrik! Henrik!
PETRA: What are they up to?
FRID: Oh, them! What are they ever up to?
(ANNE runs back across)
ANNE: Henrik!
(FREDRIKA runs back across)
FREDRIKA: Mr. Egerman!
FRID: You saw them all at dinner, dressed up like waxworks, jabbering away to prove how clever they are. And never knowing what they miss.
(Kiss)
ANNE (Off): Henrik!
FRID: Catch one of them having the sense to grab the first pretty girl that comes along — and do her on the soft grass, with the summer night just smiling down.
(Kiss)
Any complaints yet?
PETRA: Give me time.
FRID: You’ve a sweet mouth — sweet as honey.
(The lights dim on them as they lower themselves onto the grass. We now see HENRIK, who has been watching them make love. After an anguished moment, he runs straight up into the house, slamming the doors behind him)
Scene 6
DESIRÉE’S BEDROOM
DESIRÉE sits on the bed, her long skirt drawn up over her knees, expertly sewing up a hem. FREDRIK enters and clears his throat.
FREDRIK: Your dragoon and his wife are glowering at each other in the green salon, and all the children appear to have vanished, so when I saw you sneaking up the stairs ...
DESIRÉE: I ripped my hem on the dining room table in all that furore.
FREDRIK (Hovering): Is this all right?
DESIRÉE: Of course. Sit down.
(Patting the bed beside her, on which tumbled stockings are strewn)
FREDRIK: On the stockings?
DESIRÉE: I don’t see why not.
(There is a long pause)
Well, we’re back at the point where we were so rudely interrupted last week, aren’t we?
FREDRIK: Not quite. If you’ll remember, we’d progressed a step further.
DESIRÉE: How true.
FREDRIK: I imagine neither of us is contemplating a repeat performance.
DESIRÉE: Good heavens, with your wife in the house, and my lover and his wife and my daughter ...
FREDRIK: ... and my devoted old friend, your mother.
(They both laugh)
DESIRÉE (During it, like a naughty girl): Isn’t my dragoon awful?
FREDRIK (Laughs): When you told me he had the brain of a pea, I think you were being generous.
(They laugh more uproariously)
DESIRÉE: What in God’s name are we laughing about? Your son was right at dinner. We don’t fool that boy, not for a moment. The One and Only Desirée Armfeldt, dragging around the country in shoddy tours, carrying on with someone else’s dim-witted husband. And the Great Lawyer Egerman, busy renewing his unrenewable youth.
FREDRIK: Bravo! Probably that’s an accurate description of us both.
DESIRÉE: Shall I tell you why I really invited you here? When we met again and we made love, I thought: Maybe here it is at last — a chance to turn back, to find some sort of coherent existence after so many years of muddle.
(Pause)
Of course, there’s your wife. But I thought: Perhaps —just perhaps — you might be in need of rescue, too.
FREDRIK: From renewing my unrenewable youth?
DESIRÉE (Suddenly tentative): It was only a thought.
FREDRIK: When my eyes are open and I look at you, I see a woman that I have loved for a long time, who entranced me all over again when I came to her rooms ... who gives me such genuine pleasure that, in spite of myself, I came here for the sheer delight of being with her again. The woman who could rescue me? Of course.
(Pause)
But when my eyes are not open — which is most of the time — all I see is a girl in a pink dress teasing a canary, running through a sunlit garden to hug me at the gate, as if I’d come home from Timbuktu instead of the Municipal Courthouse three blocks away ...
DESIRÉE (Sings):
Isn’t it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.
Isn’t it bliss?
Don’t you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can’t move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.
Just when I’d stopped
Opening doors,
Finally knowing
The one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again
With my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.
(FREDRIK rises)
Don’t you love farce?
My fault, I fear.
I thought that you’d want what I want —
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don’t bother, they’re here.
FREDRIK: Desirée, I’m sorry. I should never have come. To flirt with rescue when one has no intention of being saved ... Do try to forgive me.
(He exits)
DESIRÉE:
Isn’t it rich?
Isn’t it queer?
Losing my timing this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year ...
(The lights iris out on DESIRÉE)
Scene 7
THE TREES
As DESIRÉE’s bedroom goes off, HENRIK emerges from the house, carrying a rope. He runs downstage with it. ANNE and FREDRIKA run on; when HENRIK hears them, he runs behind a tree to hide.
ANNE (As she runs on): Henrik!
(To FREDRIKA)
Oh, I’m quite puffed! Where can he be?
(Noticing FREDRIKA ’s solemn face)
Poor child, that face! Don’t look so solemn. Where would you go if you were he?
FREDRIKA: Well, the summer pavilion? And then, of course, there’s the stables.
ANNE: Then you go to the stables and I’ll take the summer pavilion.
(Laughing)
Run!
(She starts off)
Isn’t this exciting after that stodgy old dinner!
(They run off, and HENRIK runs back on. He stops at the tree, stands on the marble bench, and, after circling the noose around his neck, throws the other end of the rope up to the tree limb. ANNE can be heard calling “Henrik!” HENRIK falls with a loud thud, as ANNE enters)
ANNE: What an extraordinary ... ! Oh, Henrik — how comical you look!
(Pulling him up by the noose still around his neck)
Oh, no! You didn’t!
(Pause)
For me?
(She gently removes the noose from his neck)
Oh, my poor darling Henrik.
(She throws herself into his arms)
Oh, my poor boy! Oh, those eyes, gazing at me like a lost Saint Bernard ...
(They start to kiss passionately)
HENRIK: I love you! I’ve actually said it!
ANNE (Returning his kisses passionately): Oh how scatterbrained I was never to have realized. Not Fredrik ... not poor old Fredrik ... not Fredrik at all!
(They drop down onto the ground and start to make passionate love. The trees wipe them out, revealing PETRA and FRID. FRID is asleep)
PETRA (Sings):
I shall marry the miller’s son,
Pin my hat on a nice piece of property.
Friday nights, for a bit of fun,
We’ll go dancing.
Meanwhile ...
It’s a wink and a wiggle
And a giggle in the grass
And I’ll trip the light Fandango,
A pinch and a diddle
In the middle of what passes by.
It’s a very short road
From the pinch and the punch
To the paunch and the pouch and the pension.
It’s a very short road
To the ten-thousandth lunch
And the belch and the grouch and the sigh.
In the meanwhile,
There are mouths to be kissed
Before mouths to be fed,
And a lot in between
In the meanwhile.
And a girl ought to celebrate what passes by.
Or I shall marry the businessman,
Five fat babies and lots of security.
Friday nights, if we think we can,
We’ll go dancing.
Meanwhile ...
It’s a push and a fumble
And a tumble in the sheets
And I’ll foot the Highland Fancy,
A dip in the butter
And a flutter with what meets my eye.
It’s a very short fetch
From the push and the whoop
To the squint and the stoop and the mumble.
It’s not much of a stretch
To the cribs and the croup
And the bosoms that droop and go dry.
In the meanwhile,
There are mouths to be kissed
Before mouths to be fed,
And there’s many a tryst
And there’s many a bed
To be sampled and seen
In the meanwhile.
And a girl has to celebrate what passes by.
Or I shall marry the Prince of Wales —
Pearls and servants and dressing for festivals.
Friday nights, with him all in tails,
We’ll have dancing.
Meanwhile ...
It’s a rip in the bustle
And a rustle in the hay
And I’ll pitch the Quick Fantastic,
With flings of confetti
And my petticoats away up high.
It’s a very short way
From the fling that’s for fun
To the thigh pressing under the table.
It’s very short day
Till you’re stuck with just one
Or it has to be done on the sly.
In the meanwhile,
There are mouths to be kissed
Before mouths to be fed,
And there’s many a tryst
And there’s many a bed.
There’s a lot I’ll have missed
But I’ll not have been dead when I die!
And a person should celebrate everything
Passing by.
And I shall marry the miller’s son.
(She smiles, as the lights fade on her)
Scene 8
ARMFELDT HOUSE AND GARDEN
FREDRIKA is lying on the grass reading. MADAME ARMFELDT is seated in a huge wingchair upstage. DESIRÉE, on the bed, is writing in her diary. CARL-MAGNUS paces on the terrace and then goes into the house. MRS. SEGSTROM and MR. LINDQUIST are behind trees, MR. ERLANSON and MRS. ANDERSSEN are behind opposite trees. CHARLOTTE sits downstage on a bench. After a beat, FREDRIK enters, sees the figure on the bench. Is it ANNE? He hurries toward her.
FREDRIK: Anne? — Oh, forgive me, Countess. I was looking for my wife.
CHARLOTTE (Looking up, through sobs): Oh, Mr. Egerman, how can I face you after that exhibition at dinner? Throwing myself at your head!
FREDRIK: On the contrary, I found it most morale-building.
(Sits down next to her)
It’s not often these days that a beautiful woman does me that honor.
CHARLOTTE: I didn’t.
FREDRIK: I beg your pardon?
CHARLOTTE: I didn’t do you that honor. It was just a charade. A failed charade! In my madness I thought I could make my husband jealous.
FREDRIK: I’m afraid marriage isn’t one of the easier relationships, is it?
CHARLOTTE: Mr. Egerman, for a woman it’s impossible!
FREDRIK: It’s not all that possible for men.
CHARLOTTE: Men! Look at you — a man of an age when a woman is lucky if a drunken alderman pinches her derriere at a village fete! And yet, you have managed to acquire the youngest, prettiest ... I hate you being happy. I hate anyone being happy!
(HENRIK and ANNE emerge from the house, carrying suitcases. They start stealthily downstage)
HENRIK: The gig should be ready at the stables.
ANNE (Giggling): Oh Henrik, darling, I do hope the horses will be smart. I so detest riding in a gig when the horses are not smart.
(HENRIK stops, pulls her to him. They kiss)
MRS. SEGSTROM (Turns, looking onstage, sings):
Think of how I adore you,
Think of how much you love me.
If I were perfect for you,
Wouldn’t you tire of me
Soon...?
HENRIK: Let all the birds nest in my hair!
ANNE: Silly Henrik! Quick, or we’ll miss the train!
(They are now downstage. Unaware of FREDRIK and CHARLOTTE, they move past them. For a long moment, FREDRIK and CHARLOTTE sit, while FREDRIK world tumbles around his ears)
CHARLOTTE: It was, wasn’t it?
FREDRIK: It was.
CHARLOTTE: Run after them. Quick. You can catch them at the stables.
FREDRIK (Even more quiet): After the horse has gone?
(Pause)
How strange that one’s life should end sitting on a bench in a garden.
MR. ERLANSON (Leans, looking onstage, sings):
She lightens my sadness,
She livens my days,
She bursts with a kind of madness
My well-ordered ways.
My happiest mistake,
The ache of my life ...
(FREDRIK and CHARLOTTE remain seated as the lights come up on DESIRÉE’s bedroom. CARL-MAGNUS enters)
DESIRÉE: Carl-Magnus, go away!
CARL-MAGNUS (Ignoring her, beginning to unbutton his tunic): I’d have been here half an hour ago if I hadn’t had to knock a little sense into my wife.
DESIRÉE: Carl-Magnus, do not take off your tunic!
CARL-MAGNUS (Still ignoring her): Poor girl. She was somewhat the worse for wine, of course. Trying to make me believe that she was attracted to that asinine lawyer fellow.
DESIRÉE: Carl-Magnus, listen to me! It’s over. It was never anything in the first place, but now it’s OVER!
CARL-MAGNUS (Ignoring this, totally self-absorbed): Of all people — that lawyer! Scrawny as a scarecrow and without a hair on his body, probably.
(He starts removing his braces)
DESIRÉE (Shouting): Don’t take off your trousers!
CARL-MAGNUS (Getting out of his trousers): Poor girl, she’d slash her wrists before she’d let any other man touch her. And even if, under the influence of wine, she did stray a bit, how ridiculous to imagine I would so much as turn a hair!
(As he starts to get out of his trouser leg, he stumbles so that he happens to be facing the “window. ” He stops dead, peering out)
Good God!
DESIRÉE: What is it?
CARL-MAGNUS (Peering): It’s her! And him! Sitting on a bench! She’s touching him! The scoundrel! The conniving swine! Any man who thinks he can lay a finger on my wife!
(Pulling up his pants and grabbing his tunic as he hobbles out)
DESIRÉE: Carl-Magnus, what are you doing?
CARL-MAGNUS: My duelling pistols!
(And he rushes out. DESIRÉE runs after him)
DESIRÉE: Carl-Magnus!
(The bed rolls off and the lights go down on the bedroom and up on MADAME ARMFELDT and FREDRIKA)
MADAME ARMFELDT: A great deal seems to be going on in this house tonight.
(Pause)
Child, will you do me a favor?
FREDRIKA: Of course, Grandmother.
MADAME ARMFELDT: Will you tell me what it’s all for? Having outlived my own illusions by centuries, it would be soothing at least to pretend to share some of yours.
FREDRIKA (After thought): Well, I think it must be worth it.
MADAME ARMFELDT: Why?
FREDRIKA: It’s all there is, isn’t it? Oh, I know it’s often discouraging, and to hope for something too much is childish, because what you want so rarely happens.
MADAME ARMFELDT: Astounding! When I was your age I wanted everything — the moon — jewels, yachts, villas on the Riviera. And I got ’em, too, — for all the good they did me.
(Music. Her mind starts to wander)
There was a Croatian Count. He was my first lover. I can see his face now — such eyes, and a mustache like a brigand. He gave me a wooden ring.
FREDRIKA: A wooden ring?
MADAME ARMFELDT: It had been in his family for centuries, it seemed, but I said to myself: a wooden ring? What sort of man would give you a wooden ring, so I tossed him out right there and then. And now — who knows? He might have been the love of my life.
(FREDRIKA falls asleep, resting her head against MADAME ARMFELDT’s knee. In the garden, FREDRIK and CHARLOTTE pause)
CHARLOTTE: To think I was actually saying: How I hate you being happy! It’s — as if I carry around some terrible curse.
(CARL-MAGNUS enters from house, runs down steps)
Oh, Mr. Egerman ... I’m sorry.
(CHARLOTTE breaks from FREDRIK with a little cry. FREDRIK, still dazed, merely turns, gazing vaguely at CARL-MAGNUS)
CARL-MAGNUS (Glaring, clicks his heels): Sir, you will accompany me to the pavilion.
(CHARLOTTE looks at the pistol. Slowly the wonderful truth begins to dawn on her. He really cares! Her face breaks into a radiant smile)
CHARLOTTE: Carl-Magnus!
CARL-MAGNUS (Ignoring her): I think the situation speaks for itself.
CHARLOTTE (Her ecstatic smile broadening): Carl-Magnus, dear, you won’t be too impulsive, will you?
CARL-MAGNUS: Whatever the provocation, I remain a civilized man.
(Flourishing the pistol)
The lawyer and I are merely going to play a little Russian Roulette.
CHARLOTTE: Russian Roulette?
CARL-MAGNUS (To FREDRIK): Well, sir? Are you ready, sir?
FREDRIK (Still only half aware): I beg your pardon. Ready for what??
CHARLOTTE (Thrilled): Russian Roulette!
FREDRIK: Oh, Russian Roulette. That’s with a pistol, isn’t it? And you spin the ...
(Indicating)
Well, why not?
(Very polite, to CHARLOTTE)
Excuse me, Madame.
(CARL-MAGNUS clicks his heels and struts off. FREDRIK follows him off slowly)
MR. LINDQUIST (Sings):
A weekend in the country ...
MR. LINDQUIST and MRS. ANDERSSEN:
So inactive
MR. LINDQUIST, MRS. ANDERSSEN and MR. ERLANSON:
That one has to lie down.
ALL THE QUINTET:
A weekend in the country
Where ...
(FRID and PETRA enter, unobserved, and lean against a tree. Gunshot)
We’re twice as upset as in town!
(The QUINTET scatters and runs off, except for MRS. ANDERSSEN, who stands behind a tree. DESIRÉE runs out of the house and down to CHARLOTTE)
DESIRÉE: What is it? What’s happened?
CHARLOTTE: Oh, dear Miss Armfeldt, my husband and Mr. Egerman are duelling in the pavilion!
DESIRÉE: Are you insane? You let them do it?
(She starts to run to the pavilion. CARL-MAGNUS enters, carrying FREDRIK over one shoulder. Quite roughly, he tosses him down on the grass, where FREDRIK remains motionless)
DESIRÉE: You lunatic! You’ve killed him! Fredrik!
CHARLOTTE: Carl-Magnus!
CARL-MAGNUS: My dear Miss Armfeldt, he merely grazed his ear. I trust his performance in the Law Courts is a trifle more professional.
(He clears his throat. To CHARLOTTE)
I am prepared to forgive you, dear. But I feel this house is no longer a suitable place for us.
CHARLOTTE: Oh yes, my darling, I agree!
CARL-MAGNUS: You will pack my things and meet me in the stables. I will have the car ready.
CHARLOTTE: Yes, dear. Oh, Carl-Magnus! You became a tiger for me!
(They kiss)
MRS. ANDERSSEN (Sings):
Men are stupid, men are vain,
Love’s disgusting, love’s insane,
A humiliating business ...
MRS. SEGSTROM:
Oh, how true!
(CARL-MAGNUS and CHARLOTTE break the kiss. CARL-MAGNUS exits. CHARLOTTE runs up to the house)
MRS. ANDERSSEN:
Aaaah,
(When CHARLOTTE closes the house doors)
Well...
DESIRÉE: Fredrik? Fredrik!
FREDRIK (Stirs, opens his eyes, looks dazedly around): I don’t suppose this is my heavenly reward, is it?
DESIRÉE: Hardly, dear, with me here.
FREDRIK (Trying to sit up, failing, remembering): Extraordinary, isn’t it? To hold a muzzle to one’s temple — and yet to miss! A shaky hand, perhaps, is an asset after all.
DESIRÉE: Does it hurt?
FREDRIK: It hurts — spiritually. You’ve heard, I imagine, about the evening’s other event?
DESIRÉE: No, what?
FREDRIK: Henrik and Anne — ran off together.
DESIRÉE: Fredrik!
FREDRIK: Well, I think I should get up and confront the world, don’t you?
DESIRÉE (Sings):
Isn’t it rich?
FREDRIK:
Are we a pair?
You here at last on the ground.
DESIRÉE:
You in mid-air.
(Speaks)
Knees wobbly?
FREDRIK: No, no, it seems not. In fact, it’s hardly possible, but...
DESIRÉE (Sings):
Was that a farce?
FREDRIK:
My fault, I fear.
DESIRÉE:
Me as a merry-go-round.
FREDRIK:
Me as King Lear.
(Speaks)
How unlikely life is! To lose one’s son, one’s wife, and practically one’s life within an hour and yet to feel —relieved. Relieved, and, what’s more, considerably less ancient.
(He jumps up on the bench)
Aha! Desirée!
DESIRÉE: Poor Fredrik!
FREDRIK: No, no, no. We will banish “poor” from our vocabulary and replace it with “coherent.”
DESIRÉE (Blank): Coherent?
FREDRIK: Don’t you remember your manifesto in the bedroom? A coherent existence after so many years of muddle? You and me, and of course, Fredrika ...
(They kiss. The music swells. Sings)
Make way for the clowns.
DESIRÉE:
Applause for the clowns.
BOTH:
They’re finally here.
(The music continues)
FREDRIK: How does Malmö appeal to you? It’ll be high sunburn season.
DESIRÉE: Why not?
FREDRIK: Why not?
DESIRÉE: Oh God!
FREDRIK: What is it?
DESIRÉE: I’ve got to do Hedda for a week in Halsingborg.
FREDRIK: Well, what’s wrong with Purgatory before Paradise? I shall sit through all eight performances.
(They go slowly upstage. FREDRIKA wakes up)
FREDRIKA: Don’t you think you should go to bed, Grandmother?
MADAME ARMFELDT: No, I shall stay awake all night for fear of missing the first cock-crow of morning. It has come to be my only dependable friend.
FREDRIKA: Grandmother —
MADAME ARMFELDT: What, dear?
FREDRIKA: I’ve watched and watched, but I haven’t noticed the night smiling.
MADAME ARMFELDT: Young eyes are not ideal for watching. They stray too much. It has already smiled. Twice.
FREDRIKA: It has? Twice? For the young — and the fools?
MADAME ARMFELDT: The smile for the fools was particularly broad tonight.
FREDRIKA: So there’s only the last to come.
MADAME ARMFELDT: Only the last.
(MADAME ARMFELDT dies. We become more aware of the underscoring, the same used under the opening waltz. HENRIK and ANNE suddenly waltz on, and then all of the other couples, at last with their proper partners, waltz through the scene. The trees close in, and MR. LINDQUIST appears at the piano. He hits one key of the piano, just as he did at the opening. And the play is over)
Costume Designs by Florence Klotz
Anne Egerman
Countess Celimène de Frances de la Tour de Casa
Desirée Armfeldt
Desirée Armfeldt
Two of Boris Aronson’s Set Models for the original Broadway production
