ACT I

A street by the London docks. A small boat appear from the back. In it are SWEENEY TODD, ANTHONY HOPE and the pilot. ANTHONY is a cheerful country-born young ship’s first mate with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. TODD is a heavy-set, saturnine man in his forties who might, say, be a blacksmith or a dockhand. There is about him an air of brooding, slightly nerve-chilling self-absorption.

ANTHONY (Sings):

I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders
From the Dardanelles
To the mountains of Peru,
But there’s no place like London!
I feel home again.

I could hear the city bells
Ring whatever I would do.
No, there’s no pi —

TODD (Sings grimly):

No, there’s no place like London.

ANTHONY (Surprised at the interruption): Mr. Todd, sir?

TODD (Sings):

You are young.
Life has been kind to you.
You will learn.

(They step out of the boat, music under)

It is here we go our several ways. Farewell, Anthony, I will not soon forget the good ship Bountiful nor the young man who saved my life.

ANTHONY: There’s no cause to thank me for that, sir. It would have been a poor Christian indeed who’d have spotted you pitching and tossing on that raft and not given the alarm.

TODD: There’s many a Christian would have done just that and not lost a wink’s sleep for it, either.

(A ragged BEGGAR WOMAN suddenly appears)

BEGGAR WOMAN (Approaching, holding out bowl to ANTHONY, sings):

Alms! ... Alms! ...
For a miserable woman
On a miserable chilly morning . . .

(ANTHONY drops a coin in her bowl)

Thank yer, sir, thank yer.

(Softly, suddenly leering in a mad way)

‘Ow would you like a little squiff, dear,
A little jig jig,
A little bounce around the bush?
Wouldn’t you like to push me crumpet?
It looks to me, dear,
Like you got plenty there to push.

(She grabs at him. As ANTHONY starts back in embarrassment, she turns instantly and pathetically to TODD, who tries to keep his back to her)

Alms! ... Alms! ...
For a pitiful woman
Wot’s got wanderin’ wits . . .
Hey, don’t I know you, mister?

(She peers intently at him)

TODD: Must you glare at me, woman? Off with you, off, I say!

BEGGAR WOMAN (Smiling vacantly):

Then ’ow would you like to fish me squiff, mister?
We’ll go jig jig,
A little —

TODD (Making a gesture as if to strike her): Off, I said. To the devil with you!

(She scuttles away, turns to give him a piercing look, then wanders off)

BEGGAR WOMAN (Singing as she goes):

Alms! ... Alms! ...
For a desperate woman . . .

(Music continues under)

ANTHONY (A little bewildered): Pardon me, sir, but there’s no need to fear the likes of her. She was only a half-crazed beggar woman. London’s full of them.

TODD (Half to himself, half to ANTHONY): I beg your indulgence, boy. My mind is far from easy, for in these once-familiar streets I feel the chill of ghostly shadows everywhere. Forgive me.

ANTHONY: There’s nothing to forgive.

TODD: Farewell, Anthony.

ANTHONY: Mr. Todd, before we part —

TODD (Suddenly fierce): What is it?

ANTHONY: I have honored my promise never to question you. Whatever brought you to that sorry shipwreck is your affair. And yet, during those many weeks of the voyage home, I have come to think of you as a friend and, if trouble lies ahead for you in London . . . if you need help — or money . . .

TODD (Almost shouting): No!

(ANTHONY starts, perplexed; TODD makes a placating gesture, sings quietly and intensely)

There’s a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it
And its morals aren’t worth
What a pig could spit
And it goes by the name of London.

At the top of the hole
Sit the privileged few,
Making mock of the vermin
In the lower zoo,
Turning beauty into filth and greed.
I too
Have sailed the world and seen its wonders,
For the cruelty of men
Is as wondrous as Peru,
But there’s no place like London!

(Pause, music under, then as if in a trance)

There was a barber and his wife,
And she was beautiful.
A foolish barber and his wife.
She was his reason and his life,
And she was beautiful.
And she was virtuous.
And he was —

(Shrugs)

Naive.

There was another man who saw
That she was beautiful,
A pious vulture of the law
Who with a gesture of his claw
Removed the barber from his plate.

Then there was nothing but to wait
And she would fall,
So soft,
So young,
So lost,
And oh, so beautiful!

(Pauses, music under)

ANTHONY: And the lady, sir — did she — succumb?

TODD:

Oh, that was many years ago . . .
I doubt if anyone would know.

(Speaks, music under)

Now, leave me, Anthony, I beg of you. There’s somewhere
I must go, something I must find out. Now. And alone.

ANTHONY: But surely we will meet again before I’m off to Plymouth!

TODD: If you want, you may well find me. Around Fleet Street, I wouldn’t wonder.

ANTHONY: Well, until then, Mr. Todd.

(ANTHONY starts off down the street. TODD stands a moment alone in thought, then starts down the street in the opposite direction)

TODD (Sings):

There’s a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And it’s filled with people
Who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it . . .

(As TODD disappears, we see MRS. LOVETT’s pieshop. Above it is any empty apartment which is reached by an outside staircase. MRS. LOVETT, a vigorous, slatternly woman in her forties, is flicking flies off the trays of pies with a dirty rag as she sings or hums. TODD appears at the end of the street and moves slowly toward the pieshop, looking around as if remembering. Seeing the pieshop he pauses a moment at some distance, gazing at it and at MRS. LOVETT, who has now picked up a wicked-looking knife and starts chopping suet. After a beat, TODD moves toward the shop, hesitates and then enters. MRS. LOVETT does not notice him until his shadow passes across her. She looks up, knife in air, and screams, freezing him in his tracks)

MRS. LOVETT: A customer!

(TODD has started out in alarm. MRS. LOVETT sings)

Wait! What’s yer rush? What’s yer hurry?

(She sticks the knife into the counter)

You gave me such a —

(She wipes her hands on her apron)

Fright. I thought you was a ghost.
Half a minute, can’tcher?
Sit! Sit ye down!

(Forcing him into a chair)

Sit!
All I meant is that I
Haven’t seen a customer for weeks.
Did you come here for a pie, sir?

(TODD nods. She flicks a bit of dust off a pie with her rag)

Do forgive me if me head’s a little vague —
Ugh!

(She plucks something off a pie, holds it up)

What is that?
But you’d think we had the plague —

(She drops it on the floor and stamps on it)

From the way that people —

(She, flicks something off a pie with her finger)

Keep avoiding —

(Spotting it moving)

No you don’t!

(She smacks it with her hand)

Heaven knows I try, sir!

(Lifts her hand, looks at it)

Ick!

(She wipes it on the edge of the counter)

But there’s no one comes in even to inhale —Tsk!

(She blows the last dust off the pie as she brings it to him)

Right you are, sir. Would you like a drop of ale?

(TODD nods)

Mind you, I can’t hardly blame them —

(Pouring a tankard of ale)

These are probably the worst pies in London.
I know why nobody cares to take them —
I should know,
I make them.
But good? No,
The worst pies in London —
Even that’s polite.
The worst pies in London —
If you doubt it, take a bite.

(He does)

Is that just disgusting?
You have to concede it.
It’s nothing but crusting —
Here, drink this, you’ll need it —

(She puts the ale in front of him)

The worst pies in London —

(During the following, she slams lumps of dough on the counter and rolls them out, grunting frequently as she goes)

And no wonder with the price of meat
What it is

(Grunt)

When you get it.

(Grunt)

Never

(Grunt)

Thought I’d live to see the day men’d think it was a treat Finding poor

(Grunt)

Animals

(Grunt)

Wot are dying in the street.
Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop,
Does a business, but I notice something weird —
Lately all her neighbors’ cats have disappeared.

(Shrugs)

Have to hand it to her —
Wot I calls
Enterprise,
Popping pussies into pies.
Wouldn’t do in my shop —
Just the thought of it’s enough to make you sick.
And I’m telling you them pussy cats is quick.
No denying times is hard, sir —
Even harder than
The worst pies in London.
Only lard and nothing more —

(As TODD gamely tries another mouthful)

Is that just revolting?
All greasy and gritty,
It looks like it’s molting,
And tastes like —
Well, pity
A woman alone
With limited wind
And the worst pies in London!

(Sighs heavily)

Ah sir,
Times is hard. Times is hard.

(She finishes one of the crusts with a flourish, then notices TODD having difficultly with his pie, speaks)

Spit it out, dear. Go on. On the floor. There’s worse things than that down there.

(As he does)

That’s my boy.

TODD: Isn’t that a room up there over the shop? If times are so hard, why don’t you rent it out? That should bring in something.

MRS. LOVETT: Up there? Oh, no one will go near it. People think it’s haunted. You see — years ago, something happened up there. Something not very nice.

(Sings)

There was a barber and his wife,
And he was beautiful,
A proper artist with a knife,
But they transported him for life.

(Sighs)

And he was beautiful . . .

(Speaks, music continuing under)

Barker, his name was — Benjamin Barker.

TODD: Transported? What was his crime?

MRS. LOVETT: Foolishness.

(Sings)

He had this wife, you see,
Pretty little thing.
Silly little nit
Had her chance for the moon on a string —
Poor thing. Poor thing.

(As she sings, her narration is acted out. First we see the pretty young WIFE in the empty upstairs room dancing her household chores. During the following the JUDGE and his obsequious assistant, the BEADLE, approach the house, gazing up at the WIFE lecherously. The WIFE remains demure, sewing)

There were these two, you see,
Wanted her like mad,
One of ‘em a Judge,
T’other one his Beadle.
Every day they’d nudge
And they’d wheedle.
But she wouldn’t budge
From her needle.
Too bad. Pure thing.

(Far upstage, in very dim light, shapes appears. A swirl of cloth, glints of jewels, the faces of people masked as animals and demons. During the following lyric, the WIFE takes an imaginary baby from an imaginary cot and sits on the floor, cradling it in her arms as she sobs)

So they merely shipped the poor bugger off south,
they did,
Leaving her with nothing but grief and a year-old kid.
Did she use her head even then? Oh no, God forbid!
Poor fool.
Ah, but there was worse yet to come —

(Intake of breath)

Poor thing.

(Again the shapes appear, this time a bit more distinctly. MRS. LOVETT speaks, musingly)

Johanna, that was the baby’s name . . . Pretty little Johanna...

(Drifts off in reminiscence)

TODD (Tensely): Go on.

MRS. LOVETT (Eyeing TODD sharply): My, you do like a good story, don’t you?

(The BEADLE reappear, gazing up at the WIFE, miming in a solicitous manner for her to come down. MRS. LOVETT, warming to the tale, sings)

Well, Beadle calls on her, all polite,
Poor thing, poor thing.
The Judge, he tells her, is all contrite,
He blames himself for her dreadful plight,
She must come straight to his house tonight!
Poor thing, poor thing.

(Excited, almost gleeful)

Of course, when she goes there,
Poor thing, poor thing.
They’re havin’ this ball all in masks.

(The shapes are now clear. A ball is in progress at the JUDGE’s house: the company, wearing grotesque masks, is dancing a slow minuet. The BEADLE, leading the WIFE, appears, moving with her through the dancers. He gives her champagne. She looks dazedly around, terrified)

There’s no one she knows there,
Poor dear, poor thing.
She wanders tormented, and drinks,
Poor thing.
The Judge has repented, she thinks,
Poor thing.
“Oh, where is Judge Turpin?” she asks.

(During the following, the JUDGE appears, tears off his mask, then his cloak, revealing himself naked. The WIFE screams as he reaches for her, struggling wildly as the BEADLE hurls her to the floor. He holds her there as the JUDGE mounts her and the masked dancers pirouette around the ravishment, giggling)

He was there, all right —
Only not so contrite!
She wasn’t no match for such craft, you see,
And everyone thought it so droll.
They figured she had to be daft, you see,
So all of ’em stood there and laughed, you see.
Poor soul!
Poor thing!

TODD (A wild shout): Would no one have mercy on her?

(The dumb show vanishes. Music stops. TODD and MRS. LOVETT gaze at each other)

MRS. LOVETT (Coolly): So it is you — Benjamin Barker.

TODD (Frighteningly vehement): Not Barker! Not Barker! Todd now! Sweeney Todd! Where is she?

MRS. LOVETT: So changed! Good God, what did they do to you down there in bloody Australia or wherever?

TODD: Where is my wife? Where’s Lucy?

MRS. LOVETT: She poisoned herself. Arsenic from the apothecary on the corner. I tried to stop her but she wouldn’t listen to me.

TODD: And my daughter?

MRS. LOVETT: Johanna? He’s got her.

TODD: He? Judge Turpin?

MRS. LOVETT: Even he had a conscience tucked away, I suppose. Adopted her like his own. You could say it was good luck for her . . . almost.

TODD: Fifteen years sweating in a living hell on a trumped up charge. Fifteen years dreaming that, perhaps, I might come home to a loving wife and child.

(Strikes ferociously on the pie counter with his fists)

Let them quake in their boots — Judge Turpin and the Beadle — for their hour has come.

MRS. LOVETT (Awed): You’re going to — get ‘em? You? A bleeding little nobody of a runaway convict? Don’t make me laugh. You’ll never get His ’igh and Mightiness! Nor the Beadle neither. Not in a million years.

(No reaction from TODD)

You got any money?

(Still no reaction)

Listen to me! You got any money?

TODD: No money.

MRS. LOVETT: Then how you going to live even?

TODD: I’ll live. If I have to sweat in the sewers or in the plague hospital, I’ll live — and I’ll have them.

MRS. LOVETT: Oh, you poor thing! You poor thing!

(A sudden thought)

Wait!

(She disappears behind a curtained entrance leading to her parlor. For a beat TODD stands alone, almost exalted. MRS. LOVETT returns with a razor case. She holds it out to him)

See! It don’t have to be the sewers or the plague hospital.
When they come for the little girl, I hid ‘em. I thought,
who knows? Maybe the poor silly blighter’ll be back again
someday and need ’em. Cracked in the head, wasn’t I?
Times as bad as they are, I could have got five, maybe ten
quid for ’em, any day. See? You can be a barber again.

(Music begins. She opens the case for him to look inside. TODD stands a long moment gazing down at the case)

My, them handles is chased silver, ain’t they?

TODD: Silver, yes.

(Quietly, looking into the box, sings)

These are my friends.
See how they glisten.

(Picks up a small razor)

See this one shine,
How he smiles in the light.
My friend, my faithful friend.

(Holding it to his ear, feeling the edge with his thumb)

Speak to me, friend.
Whisper, I’ll listen.

(Listening)

I know, I know —
You’ve been locked out of sight
All these years —
Like me, my friend.
Well, I’ve come home
To find you waiting.
Home,
And we’re together,
And we’ll do wonders,
Won’t we?

(MRS. LOVETT, who has been looking over his shoulder, starts to feel his other ear lightly, absently, in her own trance. TODD lays the razor back in the box and picks out a larger one. They sing simultaneously)

TODD:
You there, my friend. Come, let me hold you.	MRS. LOVETT:
	I’m your friend too, Mr. Todd. If you only knew, Mr. Todd —Ooh, Mr. Todd, You’re warm In my hand. You’ve come home. Always had a fondness for you, I did.
Now, with a sigh You grow warm In my hand, My friend, My clever friend.
	Never you fear, Mr. Todd, You can move in here, Mr. Todd. Splendors you never have dreamed All your days Will be yours. I’m your friend. Don’t they shine beautiful? Silver’s good enough for me,
(Putting it back)
Rest now, my friends. Soon I’ll unfold you. Soon you’ll know splendors
You never have dreamed
All your days, My lucky friends. Till now your shine Was merely silver. Friends,
You shall drip rubies,	Mr. T....
You’ll soon drip precious
Rubies . . .

(TODD holds up the biggest razor to the light as the music soars sweetly, then stops. He speaks into the silence)

TODD: My right arm is complete again!

(Lights dim except for a scalding spot on the razor as music blares forth from both the organ and the orchestra. The company, including the JUDGE and the BEADLE, appears and sings)

COMPANY:

Lift your razor high, Sweeney!
Hear it singing, “Yes!”
Sink it in the rosy skin
Of righteousness!

(Variously)

His voice was soft, his manner mild.
He seldom laughed but he often smiled.
He’d seen how civilized men behave.
He never forgot and he never forgave,
Not Sweeney,
Not Sweeney Todd,
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street . . .

(They disappear. There is a moment of darkness in which we hear the trilling and twittering of songbirds. Light comes up on the facade of JUDGE TURPIN’s mansion. A BIRD SELLER enters carrying a bizarre construction of little wicker birdcages tied together. It is in these that the birds are singing. At an upper level of the JUDGE’s mansion appears a very young, exquisitely beautiful girl with a long mane of shining blonde hair. This is JOHANNA. For a moment she stands disconsolate, then her eyes fall on the birds)

JOHANNA: And how are they today?

BIRD SELLER: Hungry as always, Miss Johanna.

(He lifts the cages up to her)

JOHANNA (Sings):

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate,
Sitting in cages,
Never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits,
Beckoning, beckoning,
Just beyond the bars.
How can you remain,
Staring at the rain,
Maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing
Anything?
How is it you sing?

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
Whence comes this melody constantly flowing?
Is it rejoicing or merely halloing?
Are you discussing or fussing
Or simply dreaming?
Are you crowing?
Are you screaming?

Ringdove and robinet,
Is it for wages,
Singing to be sold?
Have you decided it’s
Safer in cages,
Singing when you’re told?

(ANTHONY enters. Instantly he sees her and stands transfixed by her beauty)

My cage has many rooms,
Damask and dark.
Nothing there sings,
Not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
When they’re captive.
Teach me to be more adaptive.

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
Teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly,
Let me sing.

(She gazes into the middle distance disconsolately)

ANTHONY (Gazing at her, sings softly):

I have sailed the world,
Beheld its wonders,
From the pearls of Spain
To the rubies of Tibet,
But not even in London
Have I seen such a wonder . . .

(Breathlessly)

Lady look at me look at me miss oh
Look at me please oh
Favor me favor me with your glance.
Ah, miss,
What do you what do you see off
There in those trees oh
Won’t you give won’t you give me a chance?

Who would sail to Spain
For all its wonders,
When in Kearney’s Lane
Lies the greatest wonder yet?

Ah, miss,
Look at you look at you pale and
Ivory-skinned oh
Look at you looking so sad so queer.
Promise
Not to retreat to the darkness
Back of your window
Not till you not till you look down here.
Look at

ANTHONY:	JOHANNA:
Me!	Green finch and linnet bird,
Look at	Nightingale, blackbird,
Me!	Teach me how to sing.
	If I cannot fly,
Look at me ...	Let me sing . . .

(As JOHANNA turns back to go inside, their eyes meet and the song dies on their lips. A hushed moment. Then suddenly a clawlike hand darts out from a pile of trash. ANTHONY jumps and looks down to see the BEGGAR WOMAN, who has been sleeping in the garbage under a discarded shawl, thrusting her bowl at him. JOHANNA, frightened, slips back out of sight)

BEGGAR WOMAN (Sings):

Alms! ... Alms! ...
For a miserable woman . . .

(ANTHONY hurriedly digs out a coin and drops it in her bowl; she peers at him)

Beg your pardon, it’s you, sir . . .
Thank yer ... Thank yer kindly . . .

(ANTHONY turns back to discover JOHANNA gone and the window shut. The BEGGAR WOMAN starts off)

ANTHONY: One moment, mother.

(She turns)

Perhaps you know whose house this is?

BEGGAR WOMAN: That! That’s the great Judge Turpin’s house, that is.

ANTHONY: And the young lady who resides there?

BEGGAR WOMAN: Ah, her! That’s Johanna, his pretty little ward.

(Slyly confidential)

But don’t you go trespassing there, young man. Not if you value your hide.

(She nods her head)

Tamper there and it’s a good whipping for you — or any other youth with mischief on his mind.

(Leers at him, sings)

Hey! Hoy! Sailor boy!
Want it snugly harbored?
Open me gate, but dock it straight,
I see it lists to starboard.

(She grabs at his crotch and starts to dance around him grotesquely, lifting her skirts. ANTHONY is appalled. He pulls coins out of his pocket and tosses them to her)

ANTHONY: Here and here and here. Take it and off with you. Off!

(The BEGGAR WOMAN, cackling, collects the coins and scampers off. ANTHONY turns back to the house, gazes up at the window. The noise has frightened the birds, who start screeching. ANTHONY becomes aware of them and moves over to the now sleeping BIRD SELLER, shakes him awake, and inspects the cages. Music continues under)

Which one sings the sweetest?

BIRD SELLER: All’s the same, sir. Six pence and cheap at the price.

(ANTHONY selects one, gives the man a coin, holds up the cage)

ANTHONY: He sings bravely.

(Watches the cage)

But why does he batter his wings so wildly against the bars?

BIRD SELLER: We blind ‘em, sir. That’s what we always does. Blind ’em and, not knowing night from day, they sing and sing without stopping, pretty creatures.

(He gets up, slinging the cages on his back, and starts off)

Have pleasure of the bird, sir.

(He exits. JOHANNA reappears at the window. ANTHONY holds up the cage, indicating it is a present and she should come down to get it. She hesitates, smiles, nods, disappears from the window. He waits. Shyly, almost furtively, JOHANNA slips out of the door and stands there. He moves toward her, holding out the cage. Slowly her hand goes out toward him. Their fingers touch)

ANTHONY (Sings softly):

I feel you,
Johanna,
I feel you.
I was half convinced I’d waken,
Satisfied enough to dream you.
Happily I was mistaken,
Johanna!
I’ll steal you,
Johanna,
I’ll steal you . . .

(They stand so absorbed with each other that they do not notice the approach of JUDGE TURPIN, followed by the BEADLE)

JUDGE (Shouting): Johanna! Johanna!

JOHANNA: Oh dear!

(Forgetting the bird cage, JOHANNA scurries toward the house. ANTHONY turns to find the JUDGE glaring at him)

JUDGE: If I see your face again on this or any other neighbor street, you’ll rue the day you were born. Is that plain enough speaking for you?

ANTHONY: But, sir, I swear to you there was nothing in my heart but the most respectful sentiments of—

JUDGE (To BEADLE): Dispose of him!

(He strides toward the house)

JOHANNA: Oh dear! I knew!

BEADLE (Fondling the truncheon, to ANTHONY): You heard His Worship.

ANTHONY: But, friend, I have no fight with you.

(The BEADLE takes the cage from him, opens its door, takes out the bird, wrings its neck and then tosses it away)

BEADLE: Get the gist of it, friend? Next time it’ll be your neck!

(He starts after the JUDGE and JOHANNA)

JUDGE: Johanna, if I were to think you encouraged that young rogue . . .

JOHANNA: Oh father, I hope always to be obedient to your commands.

JUDGE (Relenting, patting her cheek): Dear child.

(Gazing at her lustfully)

How sweet you look in that light muslin gown.

(She runs into the house, the JUDGE after her. The BEADLE follows. ANTHONY is left alone, the empty cage in his hand)

ANTHONY (Sings):

I’ll steal you,
Johanna,
I’ll steal you!
Do they think that walls can hide you?
Even now I’m at your window.
I am in the dark beside you,
Buried sweetly in your yellow hair.

I feel you,
Johanna,
And one day
I’ll steal you.
Till I’m with you then,
I’m with you there,
Sweetly buried in your yellow hair . . .

(He smashes the cage, throws it away and exits as lights fade)

 

(Lights come up to reveal St. Dunstan’s Marketplace. A hand-drawn caravan, painted like a Sicilian donkey cart, stands on the street. On its side is written in ornate script: “Signor Adolfo Pirelli — Haircutter-Barber-Toothpuller to His Royal Majesty the King of Naples, ” and under this: “Banish Baldness with Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir.” TODD and MRS. LOVETT enter. TODD is carrying his razor case. MRS. LOVETT has a shopping basket)

TODD (Pointing at the caravan): That’s him? Over there?

MRS. LOVETT: Yes, dear. He’s always here Thursdays.

TODD (Reading the sign): Haircutter, barber, toothpuller to His Royal Majesty the King of Naples.

MRS. LOVETT: Eyetalian. All the rage, he is.

TODD: Not for long.

MRS. LOVETT: Oh Mr. T., you really think you can do it?

TODD: By tomorrow they’ll all be flocking after me like sheep to be shorn.

MRS. LOVETT (Sees BEADLE): Oh no! Look. The Beadle —Beadle Bamford.

TODD: So much the better.

MRS. LOVETT: But what if he recognizes you? Hadn’t we better — ?

TODD: I will do what I have set out to do, woman.

MRS. LOVETT: Oops. Sorry, dear, I’m sure.

(TOBIAS, PIRELLI’s adolescent, simple-minded assistant, appears through a curtain at the rear of the caravan, beating on a tin drum. A factory whistle blows and a crowd of people comes running on, gathering around him)

TOBIAS (Sings):

Ladies and gentlemen!
May I have your attention, perlease?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
From now on you can waken at ease.
You need never again have a worry or care,
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare.
Gentlemen, you are about to see something wot rose
from the dead!

(A woman gasps — he smiles and wiggles his finger no)

On the top of my head.

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen,
I was struck with a ’orrible
Dermatologic disease.
Though the finest physicians in London were called,
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald
As a novice’s knees.
I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came,
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name.
He give me a liquid as precious as gold,
I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told,
And behold!

(Doffs his cap dramatically, revealing mountains of hair which cascade to his shoulders)

Only thirty days old!

’Twas Pirelli’s
Miracle Elixir,
That’s wot did the trick, sir,
True, sir, true.
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir,
Just like an elixir
Ought to do!

(To 1ST MAN)

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed.

(Crowd, overlapping)

1ST MAN:

Penny buys a bottle, I don’t know . . .

2ND MAN:

You don’t need —

1ST MAN:

Ah, let’s go!

(Starts to leave)

TOBIAS (To 3RD MAN):

Go ahead and tug, sir.

3RD MAN:

Penny for a bottle, is it?

TOBIAS:

Go ahead, sir, harder . . .

TOBIAS (Stopping the 1ST MAN, who’s quite bald, by pouring a drop on his head):

Does Pirelli’s
Stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir,
’Tis unique.

(Takes the man’s hand and gently applies it to the wet spot)

Rub a minute.
Stimulatin’, i’n’ it?
Soon you’ll have to thin it
Once a week!
Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed!

(Crowd, overlapping)

1ST MAN (To 2ND MAN):

Penny buys a bottle, might as well . . .

(Looks hesitantly to 2ND MAN)

3RD MAN:

Wotcher think?

2ND WOMAN:

Go ahead and try it, wot the hell . . .

TOBIAS (To others):

How about a sample? Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?

1ST WOMAN (To 3RD MAN):

Isn’t it a crime they let these urchins clog the pavement?

4TH MAN:

Penny buys a bottle, does it?

TOBIAS (To 2ND MAN):

That’s enough, sir, ample.

TOBIAS:

Gently dab it.

Gets to be a habit.
Soon there’ll be enough, sir,
Somebody can grab it.

(Points to a man standing nearby)

See that chap with
Hair like Shelley’s?
You can tell ’e’s
Used Pirelli’s!

(Crowd, overlapping)

1ST MAN:

Let me have a bottle.

2ND MAN:

Make that two.

(1ST MAN buys bottles for both, gets change)

3RD WOMAN:

Come to think of it, I could get some for Harry . . .

4TH WOMAN:

Nothing works on Harry, dear. Bye bye.

TOBIAS:

Go ahead and feel, mum.
Absolutely real, mum . . .

2ND MAN (To 1ST MAN):

How about a beer?

1ST MAN:

You know a pub?

2ND MAN:

There’s one close by.

1ST WOMAN (To 2ND WOMAN):

You got all the hair you need now.

3RD MAN:

That’s no lie.

4TH MAN:

Pass it by.

2ND WOMAN:

I’m just passing by.

TODD (Loudly to MRS. LOVETT):

Pardon me, ma’am, what’s that awful stench?

MRS. LOVETT:

Are we standing in an open trench?

TODD:

Must be standing near an open trench!

TOBIAS (Distracting the crowd’s attention):

Buy Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir:
Anything wot’s slick, sir,
Soon sprouts curls.
Try Pirelli’s!
When they see how thick, sir,
You can have your pick, sir,
Of the girls!

(To 4TH WOMAN)

Want to buy a bottle, missus?

(Crowd, overlapping)

TODD (Sniffing 1ST MAN’s bottle):

What is this?

MRS. LOVETT (Examining 3RD MAN’s bottle):

What is this?

1ST MAN:

Propogates the hair, sir.

4TH MAN:

I’ll take one!

TODD (Hands bottle back distastefully):

Smells like piss.

MRS. LOVETT:

Smells like — phew!

2ND MAN:

He says it smells like piss.

TODD:

Looks like piss.

MRS. LOVETT:

Wouldn’t touch it if I was you, dear!

2ND MAN (To 3RD MAN):

Wotcher think?

TODD (Nods):

This is piss. Piss with ink.

5TH MAN and WOMEN:

Says it smells like piss or something.

TOBIAS:

Penny for a bottle . . .
Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?
How about a sample? ...
How about a sample, mister? ...

1ST WOMAN:

Give us back our money!

2ND WOMAN:

Give us back our money!

1ST WOMAN:

Did you ever — ?
Give us back our money!

3RD WOMAN:

Glad I didn’t buy one, I can tell you!

4TH WOMAN (To TOBIAS):

If you think that piss can fool a lady, you’re mistaken!

MRS. LOVETT:

Give ‘em back their money!
Did you ever — ?
Give ’em back their money!

3RD WOMAN:

Give ‘em back their money, I say!
Give ’em back their money!

TOBIAS (Trying to calm them, gesturing to TODD):

Never mind that madman, mister . . .
Never mind the madman . . .

TODD and MRS. LOVETT:

Where is this Pirelli?

CROWD:

Where is this Pirelli?

(Variously, overlapping)

What about my money, laddie?
Yes, what about the money?
Hand it back!
We don’t want no piss, boy!
Give it here . . .

TOBIAS (Desperately, beating the drum out of rhythm):

Let Pirelli’s
Activate your roots, sir —

TODD:

Keep it off your boots, sir —
Eats right through.

CROWD:

Go and get Pirelli!

TOBIAS:

Yes, get Pirelli’s!
Use a bottle of it!
Ladies seem to love it —

MRS. LOVETT:

Flies do, too!

(Crowd laughs uproariously)

CROWD:

Hand the bloody money over!
Hand the bloody money over!

TOBIAS (Frenetically fast, looking desperately toward the curtain):

See Pirelli’s
Miracle Elixir
Grow a little wick, sir,
Then some fuzz.
The Pirelli’s
Soon’ll make it thick, sir,
Like a good elixir
Always does!

Trust Pirelli’s!
If your hair is sick, sir,
Fix it in the nick, sir,
Don’t look grim.
Just Pirelli’s
Miracle Elixir,
That’ll do the trick, sir —

1ST MAN:

What about the money?

TOBIAS:

If you’ve got a kick, sir —

CROWD (Individuals, building to a shout):

What about the money?
Where is this Pirelli?
Go and get Pirelli!
What about our money?

TOBIAS:

Tell it to the mixer
Of the Miracle Elixir —
If you’ve got a kick, sir — !

(Desperately yanks the curtain aside, revealing PIRELLI, an excessively flamboyant Italian with a glittering suit, thick wavy hair and a dazzling smile — the crowd falls silent, stunned. TOBIAS collapses, exhausted)

Talk to him!

PIRELLI (Bows and poses splendidly for a moment, in one hand an ornate razor, in the other a sinister-looking tooth-extractor; sings): I am Adolfo Pirelli,

Da king of da barbers, da barber of kings,
E buon giorno, good day,
I blow you a kiss!

(He does)

And I, da so-famous Pirelli,
I wish-a to know-a
Who has-a da nerve-a to say
My elixir is piss!
Who says this?

TODD: I do.

(He holds up the bottle of elixir)

I am Mr. Sweeney Todd and I have opened a bottle of Pirelli’s Elixir, and I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud, concocted from piss and ink.

(MRS. LOVETT takes the bottle from TODD, sniffs it)

MRS. LOVETT: He’s right. Phew! Better to throw your money down the sewer.

(She tosses the bottle to the ground. The onlookers “ooh” and “aah” with shocked excitement)

TOBIAS (Beating agitatedly on the drum, shouting): Ladies and gentlemen, pay no attention to that madman. Who’s to be the first for a magnificent shave?

TODD (Breaking in): And furthermore . . .

(Glaring at PIRELLI)

I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek and pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank!

(He holds up his razor case for the crowd to see)

You see these razors?

MRS. LOVETT: The finest in England.

TODD (To PIRELLI): I lay them against five pounds you are no match for me. You hear me, sir? Either accept my challenge or reveal yourself as a sham.

MRS. LOVETT: Bravo, bravo.

(The crowd laughs and cheers, obviously on TODD’s side. PIRELLI, as imposing as ever, holds up a hand for silence. Slowly he swaggers toward TODD, takes the razor case, opens it and examines the razors carefully)

PIRELLI (He speaks with a fairly obvious put-on foreign accent, barely concealing an Irish underlay): Zees are indeed fine razors. Instruments like zees once seen cannot be soon forgotten.

(Takes out a tooth-extractor)

And a fine extractor, too! You wager zees against five pounds, sir?

TODD: I do.

PIRELLI (Addressing the crowd): You hear zis foolish man?

Watch and see how he will regret his folly. Five pounds it is!

(Music starts)

TODD (Surveying the crowd): Friends, neighbors, who’s for a free shave?

1ST MAN (Stepping forward eagerly): Me, Mr. Todd, sir.

2ND MAN (Stepping forward eagerly, too): And me, Mr. Todd, sir.

TODD: Over here. Bring me a chair.

PIRELLI (To TOBIAS): Boy, bring ze basins, bring ze towels!

TOBIAS: Yes, sir . . .

PIRELLI: Quick!

(He kicks TOBIAS. The boy hurries off into the caravan)

TODD: Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?

BEADLE: Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors.

(As another man comes on with a wooden chair and TOBIAS emerges from the caravan with basins, towels, etc., the BEADLE instantly takes over. To man, indicating where to set the chair)

Put it there.

(1ST MAN sits on TODD’s chair. The 2ND MAN is ensconced on PIRELLI’s chair. PIRELLI shakes out a fancy bib with a flourish and covers his man. TODD takes a towel and tucks it around his man’s neck)

Ready?

PIRELLI: Ready!

TODD: Ready!

BEADLE: The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner.

(He blows his whistle. The music becomes agitated. The contest begins. PIRELLI strops his razor quickly, TODD in a leisurely manner. PIRELLI keeps glancing at TODD in various paranoid ways throughout, frightened of TODD’s progress. He starts whipping up lather rapidly)

PIRELLI (Sings to crowd while mixing, furiously):

Now, signorini, signori,
We mix-a da lather
But first-a you gather
Around, signor-
Ini, signori,
You looking a man
Who have had-a da glory
To shave-a da Pope!
Mr. Sweeney-so-smart —

(Sarcastic bow to TODD)

Oh, I beg-a you pardon — ’ll
Call me a lie, was-a only a cardinal —
Nope!
It was-a da Pope!

(Looks over shoulder, sees TODD still stropping slowly, gains confidence, starts to lather his man’s face)

Perhaps, signorini, signori,
You like-a I tell-a
Da famous-a story
Of Queen Isabella,
Da Queen of-a Polan’
Whose toot’ was-a swollen,
I pull it so nice from her mout’
That-a though to begin
She’s-a screaming-a murder,
She’s later-a swoon-a wid
Bliss an’ was heard-a
To shout:
“Pull all of ’em out!”

(Unexpectedly, TODD still shows no sign of starting to shave his man. He merely watches PIRELLI’s performance. PIRELLI, now feeling that he can take his time, sings lyrically as he shaves with rhythmic scrapes and elaborate gestures of wiping the razor)

To shave-a da face,
To pull-a da toot’,
Require da grace
And not-a da brute,
For if-a you slip,
You nick da skin,
You clip-a da chin,
You rip-a da lip a bit
And dat’s-a da trut’!

(TODD strops his razor slowly and deliberately, disconcerting PIRELLI and drawing the crowd’s attention)

To shave-a da face
Or even a part
Widout it-a smart
Require da heart.
It take-a da art —
I show you a chart —

(Pulls down an elaborate chart with many anatomical views of the face and closeups of follicles, etc.)

I study-a starting in my yout’!

(TODD starts slowly mixing his lather)

To cut-a da hair,
To trim-a da beard,
To make-a da bristle
Clean like a whistle,
Dis is from early infancy
Da talent give to me
By God!
It take-a da skill,
It take-a da brains,
It take-a da will
To take-a da pains,
It take-a da pace,
It take-a da grace —

(While PIRELLI holds this note elaborately, TODD, with a few deft strokes, quickly lathers his man’s face, shaves him and signals the BEADLE to examine the job)

BEADLE (Blowing whistle):

The winner is Todd.

MRS. LOVETT (Feeling the customer’s cheek): Smooth as a baby’s arse!

(The crowd “oohs” and “ahhs”)

TODD (Looks around): And now, who’s for a tooth pulling —free without charge!

MAN WITH HEAD TIED UP IN RAG: Me, sir. Me, sir.

(He runs to the chair vacated by the shaved man)

TODD (Looking around): Who else?

(There is silence from the crowd)

No one?

(Turning to the BEADLE)

Then, sir, since there is no means to test the second skill, I claim the five pounds!

MRS. LOVETT: To which he is entitled!

(To crowd)

Right?

(The crowd applauds)

PIRELLI: Wait! One moment. Wait!

(He turns to TOBIAS)

You, boy. Get on that chair.

TOBIAS (In terror): Me, signor? Oh, not a tooth, sir, I beg of you! I ain’t got a twinge — not the tiniest pain. I —

PIRELLI (Giving him a stinging blow on the cheek): You do now!

(Forces him into the chair. Turning to the crowd)

We see who is zee victor now. Zis Mister Todd — or zee great Pirelli!

BEADLE: Ready?

PIRELLI: Ready!

TODD: Ready!

(The BEADLE blows his whistle. While TODD, even more nonchalant than before, merely stands by his patient, PIRELLI forces open the mouth of TOBIAS, brandishing his extractor. He peers in, selects a tooth, thrusts the extractor into the mouth and starts to tug while singing with pretended ease. During the song, TOBIAS starts moaning, then screaming — musically)

PIRELLI (Sings):

To pull-a da toot’
Widout-a da skill
Can damage da root —

(As TOBIAS squirms)

Now hold-a da still!
An’ if-a you slip
You grip a bit,
You hit da pit of it
Or chip-a da tip
And have-a to fill!

To pull-a da toot’
Widout-a da grace,
You leave-a da space
All over da place.
You try to erase
Widout-a da trace . . .

(Glaring archly at TODD)

Sometimes is da case
You even-a kill.

(TODD still watches; PIRELLI is having trouble, TOBIAS’s wails are becoming louder)

To hold-a da clamp
Widout-a da cramp,
Wid all dat saliva,
It could-a drive-a
You crazy — !

(To TOBIAS, who is groaning)

Don’ mutter,
Or back-a you go to da gutter —

(To the crowd, forcing a smile)

My touch is as light as a butter-a
Cup!

I take-a da pains,
I learn-a da art,
I use-a da brains,
I give-a da heart,
I have-a da grace,
I win-a da race — !

(While again PIRELLI holds the note, TODD stands watching. Then in one swift move, he tugs the rag off his patient’s head, neatly opens the mouth, looks in, and with a single deft motion of the extractor, gives a tiny tug and, turning to the crowd, holds up the extracted tooth. The BEADLE blows his whistle. The crowd roars its approval. PIRELLI, cut off again in the middle of his high note, sees that TODD has extracted his customer’s tooth, and droops)

I give-a da up.

MAN (Jumping up from chair): Not a twinge of pain! Not a twinge!

MRS. LOVETT: The man’s a bloody marvel!

BEADLE (Beaming at TODD): The two-time winner — Mr. Sweeney Todd!

(PIRELLI leaves the tooth unpulled in TOBIAS’s mouth and, still retaining his imposing dignity, moves over to TODD)

PIRELLI (With profound bow): Sir, I bow to a skill far defter than my own.

TODD: The five pounds.

PIRELLI (Produces a rather flamboyant purse, and from it takes five pounds): Here, sir. And may the good Lord smile on you —

(With a sinister smile)

— until we meet again. Come, boy.

(Bows to crowd)

Signori! Bellissime signorini! Buon giorno! Buon giorno a tutti!

(Kicking TOBIAS ahead of him, he returns to the caravan which TOBIAS, like a horse, pulls off)

MRS. LOVETT (To TODD): Who’d have thought it, dear! You pulled it off!

(The crowd clusters around TODD)

MAN WITH CAP: Oh, sir, Mr. Todd, sir, do you have an establishment of your own?

MRS. LOVETT: He certainly does. Sweeney Todd’s Tonsorial

Parlor — above my meat pieshop on Fleet Street.

(The BEADLE strolls somewhat menacingly over to them)

BEADLE: Mr. Todd . . . Strange, sir, but it seems your face is known to me.

MRS. LOVETT (Concealing agitation): Him? That’s a laugh —him being my uncle’s cousin and arrived from Birmingham yesterday.

TODD (Very smooth): But already, sir, I have heard Beadle Bamford spoken of with great respect.

BEADLE (Whatever dim suspicions he may have had allayed by the flattery): Well, sir, I try my best for my neighbors.

(To MRS. LOVETT)

Fleet Street? Over your pieshop, ma’am?

MRS. LOVETT: That’s it, sir.

BEADLE: Then, Mr. Todd, you will surely see me there before the week is out.

TODD (Expressionless): You will be welcome, Beadle Bamford, and I guarantee to give you, without a penny’s charge, the closest shave you will ever know.

(MRS. LOVETT takes TODD’s arm and starts with him offstage as the scene blacks out. The factory whistle. In limbo, the BEGGAR WOMAN appears with other members of the company. They sing)

MEMBERS OF THE COMPANY:

Sweeney pondered and Sweeney planned.
Like a perfect machine ’e planned,
Barbing the hook, baiting the trap,
Setting it out for the Beadle to snap.

 

Slyly courted ‘im, Sweeney did,
Set a sort of a scene, ’e did.
Laying the trail, showing the traces,
Letting it lead to higher places . . .
Sweeney . . .

(The lights shift to a room in JUDGE TURPIN’s house. The JUDGE is in his judicial clothes, a Bible in his hand. In the adjoining room, JOHANNA sits sewing)

JUDGE (Sings):

Mea culpa, mea culpa,
Mea maxima culpa,
Mea maxima maxima culpa!
God deliver me! Release me!
Forgive me! Restrain me! Pervade me!

(He peers through the keyhole of the door to JOHANNA’s room)

Johanna, Johanna,
So suddenly a woman,
The light behind your window —
It penetrates your gown . . .
Johanna, Johanna,
The sun — I see the sun through your —

(Ashamed, he stops peering)

No!
God!
Deliver me!

(Sinks to his knees)

Deliver me!

(Starts tearing off his robes)

Down!
Down.
Down...

(Now naked to the waist, he picks up a scourge from the table)

Johanna, Johanna,
I watch you from the shadows.
You sigh before your window
And gaze upon the town . . .
Your lips part, Johanna,
So young and soft and beautiful —

(Whips himself)

God!

(Again and again, as he continues)

Deliver me!
Filth
Leave me!
Johanna!
Johanna!
I treasured you in innocence
And loved you like a daughter.
You mock me, Johanna,
You tempt me with your innocence,
You tempt me with those quivering —

(Whips himself)

No!

(Again and again)

God!
Deliver me!
It will —
Stop —
Now! It will —
Stop —
Right —
Now.
Right —
Now.
Right —
Now...

(Calm again, having kneed his way over to the door, he peers through the keyhole)

Johanna, Johanna,
I cannot keep you longer.
The world is at your window,
You want to fly away.
You stir me, Johanna,
So suddenly a woman,
I cannot watch you one more day — !

(Again whips himself into a frenzy)

God!
Deliver me!
God!
Deliver me!
God!
Deliver —

(Climaxes)

God!!

(Panting, he relaxes; when he is in control again, he starts to dress)

Johanna, Johanna,
I’ll keep you here forever,
I’ll wed you on the morrow.
Johanna, Johanna,
The world will never touch you,
I’ll wed you on the morrow!
As years pass, Johanna,
You’ll tend me in my solitude,
No longer as a daughter,
As a woman.

(He is fully dressed again)

Johanna, Johanna,
I’ll hold you here forever then,
You’ll keep away from windows and
You’ll
Deliver me,
Johanna,
From this
Hot
Red
Devil
With your
Soft
White
Cool
Virgin
Palms...

(Magisterial again, picking up the Bible, he produces a key and opens the door, the key forgotten, still in the lock. JOHANNA jumps up)

JOHANNA: Father!

JUDGE: Johanna, I trust you’ve not been near the window again.

JOHANNA (During this speech her eyes fall on the key in the lock):

Hardly, dear father, when it has been shuttered and barred these last three days.

JUDGE: How right I was to insist on such a precaution, for once again he has come, that conscienceless young sailor. Ten times has he been driven from my door and yet ...

(Breaks off, gazing at her, smitten with lust)

How sweet you look in that light muslin gown.

JOHANNA: ’Tis nothing but an old dress, father.

JUDGE: But fairer on your young form than wings on an angel ... oh, if I were to think ...

JOHANNA (Demurely, moving to the door): Think what, dear father?

JUDGE: If I were to think you encouraged this young rogue ...

JOHANNA (During this speech, she slips the key from the lock, hides it in her dress): I? A maid trained from the cradle to find in modesty and obedience the greatest of all virtues? Dear father, when have you ceased to warn me of the wickedness of men?

JUDGE: Venal young men of the street with only one thought in their heads. But there are men of different and far higher breed. I have one in mind for you.

JOHANNA: You have?

JUDGE: A gentle man, who would shield you from all earthly cares and guide your faltering steps to the sober warmth of womanhood — a husband — a protector — and yet an ardent lover too. It is a man who through all the years has surely earned your affection.

(Drops to his knees)

JOHANNA (Staggered): You?!!!

(The scene blacks out)

(Light comes up on MRS. LOVETT’S pieshop and the apartment above, which now is sparsely furnished with a wash-stand and a long wooden chest. At the foot of the outside staircase is a brand-new barber’s pole. Attached to the first banister of the staircase is an iron bell. TODD is pacing in the apartment above. MRS. LOVETT comes hurrying out of the shop, carrying a wooden chair. As she does so, the BEGGAR WOMAN shuffles up to her)

BEGGAR WOMAN (Sings):

Alms ... alms ...

MRS. LOVETT (Imitating her nastily, sings):

Alms ... alms ...

(Music continues)

How many times have I told you? I’ll not have trash from the gutter hanging around my establishment!

BEGGAR WOMAN: Not just a penny, dear? Or a pie? One of them pies that give the stomach cramps to half the neighborhood?

(A cackling laugh)

Come on, dear. Have a heart, dear.

MRS. LOVETT: Off. Off with you or you’ll get a kick on the rump that’ll make your teeth chatter!

BEGGAR WOMAN: Stuck up thing! You and your fancy airs!

(Shuffling off into the wings, sings)

Alms ... alms ...
For a desperate woman ...

(Exits. Music continues. MRS. LOVETT rings the bell to indicate her approach and starts climbing the stairs. At the sound of the bell, TODD alerts and snatches up a razor. The music becomes agitated. As MRS. LOVETT appears, he relaxes somewhat. MRS. LOVETT is now very proprietary towards him)

MRS. LOVETT: It’s not much of a chair, but it’ll do till you get your fancy new one. It was me poor Albert’s chair, it was. Sat in it all day long he did, after his leg give out from the dropsy.

(Surveying the room, music under)

Kinda bare, isn’t it? I never did like a bare room. Oh, well, we’ll find some nice little knickknacks.

TODD: Why doesn’t the Beadle come? “Before the week is out,” that’s what he said.

MRS. LOVETT: And who says the week’s out yet? It’s only Tuesday.

(As TODD paces restlessly, sings)

Easy now.
Hush, love, hush.
Don’t distress yourself,
What’s your rush?
Keep your thoughts
Nice and lush.
Wait.

(TODD continues to pace)

Hush, love, hush.
Think it through.
Once it bubbles,
Then what’s to do?
Watch it close.
Let it brew.
Wait.

(Looking round, cheerfully, as TODD grows calmer)

I’ve been thinking, flowers —
Maybe daisies —
To brighten up the room.
Don’t you think some flowers,
Pretty daisies,
Might relieve the gloom?

(As TODD doesn’t respond)

Ah, wait, love, wait.

(Music continues under)

TODD (Intensely): And the Judge? When will I get him?

MRS. LOVETT: Can’t you think of nothing else? Always broodin’ away on yer wrongs what happened heaven knows how many years ago —

(TODD turns away violently with a hiss)

Slow, love, slow.
Time’s so fast.
Now goes quickly —
See, now it’s past!
Soon will come.
Soon will last.
Wait.

(TODD grows calm again)

Don’t you know, Silly man, Half the fun is to Plan the plan? All good things come to Those who can Wait.

(Looking around the room again)

Gillyflowers, maybe,
’Stead of daisies ...
I don’t know, though ...
What do you think?

TODD (Docilely): Yes.

MRS. LOVETT (Gently taking the razor from him): Gillyflowers,

I’d say. Nothing like a nice bowl of gillies.

(Music stops. During the above, we have seen ANTHONY moving down the street. He sees the sign and stops. He goes to the bell and rings it, then starts running up the stairs. The effect on TODD is electric. Even MRS. LOVETT, affected by his tension, alerts. She hastily gives him back the razor. ANTHONY bursts in enthusiastically)

TODD: Anthony.

ANTHONY: Mr. Todd. I’ve paced Fleet Street a dozen times with no success. But now the sign! In business already.

TODD: Yes.

ANTHONY: I congratulate you.

( Turning to MRS. LOVETT)

And ... er ...

MRS. LOVETT: Mrs. Lovett, sir.

ANTHONY A pleasure, ma’am. Oh, Mr. Todd, I have so much to tell you. I have found the fairest and most loving maid that any man could dream of! And yet there are problems. She has a guardian so tyrannical that she is kept shut up from human eye. But now this morning this key fell from her shuttered window.

(He holds up JOHANNA’s key)

The surest sign that Johanna loves me and ...

MRS. LOVETT: Johanna?

ANTHONY: That’s her name, ma’am, and Turpin that of the abominable parent. A judge, it seems. But, as I said, a monstrous tyrant. Oh Mr. Todd, once the Judge has gone to court, I’ll slip into the house and plead with her to fly with me tonight. Yet when I have her — where can I bring her till I have hired a coach to speed us home to Plymouth? Oh Mr. Todd, if I could lodge her here just for an hour or two!

(He gazes at the inscrutable TODD)

MRS. LOVETT (After a beat): Bring her, dear.

ANTHONY: Oh thank you, thank you, ma’am.

(To TODD)

I have your consent, Mr. Todd?

TODD (After a pause): The girl may come.

(ANTHONY grabs his hand and pumps it, then turns to grab MRS. LOVETT’s)

ANTHONY: I shall be grateful for this to the grave. Now I must hurry, for surely the Judge is off to the Old Bailey.

(Turning at the door)

My thanks! A thousand blessings on you both!

(He hurries out and down the stairs)

MRS. LOVETT: Johanna! Who’d have thought it! It’s like Fate, isn’t it? You’ll have her back before the day is out.

TODD: For a few hours? Before he carries her off to the other end of England?

MRS. LOVETT: Oh, that sailor! Let him bring her here and then, since you’re so hot for a little ...

(Makes a throat-cutting gesture)

... that’s the throat to slit, dear. Oh Mr. T., we’ll make a lovely home for her. You and me. The poor thing! All those years and not a scrap of motherly affection! I’ll soon change that, I will, for if ever there was a maternal heart, it’s mine.

(During this speech PIRELLI, accompanied by TOBIAS, has appeared on the street. They see the sign and start up the stairs without ringing the bell. Now, as MRS. LOVETT goes to TODD coquettishly, PIRELLI and TOBIAS suddenly appear at the door. TODD pulls violently away from MRS. LOVETT)

PIRELLI (With Italianate bow): Good morning, Mr. Todd —and to you, bellissima signorina.

(He kisses MRS. LOVETT’s hand)

MRS. LOVETT: Well, ’ow do you do, signor, I’m sure.

PIRELLI: A little business with Mr. Todd, signora. Perhaps if you will give the permission?

MRS. LOVETT: Oh yes, indeed, I’ll just pop on down to my pies.

(Surveying TOBIAS)

Oh lawks, look at it now! Don’t look like it’s had a kind word since half past never!

(Smiling at him)

What would you say, son, to a nice juicy meat pie, eh? Your teeth is strong, I hope?

TOBIAS: Oh yes, ma’am.

MRS. LOVETT (Taking his hand): Then come with me, love.

(They start down the stairs to the shop)

PIRELLI: Mr. Todd.

TODD: Signor Pirelli.

PIRELLI (Reverting to Irish): Ow, call me Danny, Daniel O’Higgins’ the name when it’s not perfessional.

(Looks around the shop)

Not much, but I imagine you’ll pretty it up a bit.

(Holds out his hand)

I’d like me five quid back, if’n ya don’t mind.

TODD: Why?

(In the shop, MRS. LOVETT pats a stool for TOBIAS to sit down and hands him a piece of pie. He starts to eat greedily)

MRS. LOVETT: That’s my boy. Tuck in.

PIRELLI: It’ll hold me over till your customers start coming. Then it’s half your profits you’ll hand over to me every week on a Friday, share and share alike. All right ... Mr. Benjamin Barker?

TODD (Very quiet): Why do you call me that?

MRS. LOVETT (Stroking TOBIAS’s luxurious locks): At least you’ve got a nice full head of hair on you.

TODD: Well, ma‘am, to tell the truth, ma’am —

(He reaches up and pulls off the “locks” which are a wig, revealing his own short-cropped hair)

— gets awful ’ot.

(He continues to eat the pie. PIRELLI strolls over to the washstand, picks up the razor, flicks it open)

PIRELLI: You don’t remember me. Why should you? I was just a down and out Irish lad you hired for a couple of weeks — sweeping up hair and such like —

(Holding up razor)

but I remember these — and you. Benjamin Barker, later transported to Botany Bay for life. So, Mr. Todd — is it a deal or do I run down the street for me pal Beadle Bamford?

(For a long moment TODD stands gazing at him)

PIRELLI (Sings, nastily):

You t’ink-a you smart,
You foolish-a boy.
Tomorrow you start
In my-a employ!
You unner-a-stan’?
You like-a my plan — ?

(Once again he hits his high note, and once again he is interrupted — TODD knocks the razor out of his hand and starts, in a protracted struggle, to strangle him)

TOBIAS (Downstairs, unaware of this): Oh gawd, he’s got an appointment with his tailor. If he’s late and it’s my fault — you don’t know him!

(He jumps up and starts out)

MRS. LOVETT: I wouldn’t want to, I’m sure, dear.

(TODD violently continues with the strangling)

TOBIAS (Calling on the stairs): Signor! It’s late! The tailor, sir.

(Remembering)

Oh, me wig!

(Runs back for it. Upstairs, TODD stops dead at the sound of the voice. He looks around wildly, sees the chest, runs to it, opens the lid and then drags PIRELLI to it and tumbles him in, slamming the lid shut just as TOBIAS enters. It is at this moment that we realize that one of PIRELI’s hands is dangling out of the chest)

Signor, I did like you said. I reminded you ... the tailor ... Ow, he ain’t here.

TODD: Signor Pirelli has been called away.

TOBIAS: Where did he go?

TODD: He didn’t say. You’d better run after him.

TOBIAS: Oh no, sir. Knowing him, sir, without orders to the contrary, I’d best wait for him here.

(He crosses to the chest and sits down on it, perilously near PIRELLI’s hand, which he doesn’t notice. TODD at this moment does, however. Suddenly he is all nervous smiles)

TODD: So Mrs. Lovett gave you a pie, did she, my lad?

TOBIAS : Oh yes, sir. She’s a real kind lady. One whole pie.

(As he speaks, his hand moves very close to PIRELLI’s hand)

TODD (Moving toward him): A whole pie, eh? That’s a treat. And yet, if I know a growing boy, there’s still room for more, eh?

TOBIAS: I’d say, sir.

(Patting his stomach)

An aching void.

(Once again his hand is on the edge of the chest, moving toward PIRELLI’s hand. Slowly now, we see the fingers of PIRELLI’s hand stirring, feebly trying to clutch TOBIAS’s hand. When it has almost reached him, TODD grabs TOBIAS up off the chest)

TODD: Then why don’t you run downstairs and wait for your master there? There’ll be another pie in it for you, I’m sure.

(Afterthought)

And tell Mrs. Lovett to give you a nice big tot of gin.

TOBIAS: Oo, sir! Gin, sir! Thanking you, sir, thanking you kindly. Gin! You’re a Christian indeed, sir!

(He runs down the stairs to MRS. LOVETT)

Oh, ma’am, the gentleman says to give me a nice tot of gin, ma’am.

MRS. LOVETT: Gin, dear? Why not?

(Upstairs, with great ferocity, TODD opens the chest, grabs the screaming PIRELLI by the hair, tugs him up from the chest and slashes his throat as, downstairs, MRS. LOVETT pours a glass of gin and hands it to TOBIAS. He takes it. The tableau freezes, then fades)

THREE TENORS (Enter and sing):

His hands were quick, his fingers strong.
It stung a little but not for long.
And those who thought him a simple clod
Were soon reconsidering under the sod,
Consigned there with a friendly prod
From Sweeney Todd,
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

 

See your razor gleam, Sweeney,
Feel how well it fits
As it floats across the throats
Of hypocrites ...

(The ballad ends on a crashing chord as the singers black out and light comes up on JUDGE TURPIN in full panoply of wig, robe, etc. He is about to convict a young boy)

JUDGE: This is the fourth time, sir, that you have been brought before this bench. Though it is my earnest wish ever to temper justice with mercy, your persistent dedication to a life of crime is such an abomination before God and man that I have no alternative but to sentence you to hang by the neck until you are dead.

(He produces the black cap and puts it on his head. As he does so the condemned prisoner is led away)

Court adjourned.

(During the following, the JUDGE removes cap, wig, and gown. To the BEADLE)

It is perhaps remiss of me to close the court so early, but the stench of those miserable wretches at the bar was so offensive to my nostrils I feared my eagerness for fresher air might well impair the soundness of my judgement.

(Light dims on the court and finds the JUDGE and the BEADLE now walking down a street together)

BEADLE: Well, sir, the adjournment is fortunate for me, sir, for it’s today we celebrate my sweet little Annie’s birthday, and to have her daddy back so soon to hug and kiss her will be her crowning joy on such a happy day.

JUDGE: It is a happy moment for me, too. Walk home with me for I have news for you. In order to shield her from the evils of this world, I have decided to marry Johanna next Monday.

BEADLE: Ah, sir, happy news indeed.

JUDGE: Strange, when I offered myself to her, she showed a certain reluctance. But that’s natural enough in a young girl. Now that she has had time for reflection, I’m sure she will greet my proposal in a more sensible frame of mind.

(Light leaves them and comes up on JOHANNA and ANTHONY in JOHANNA’s room. She is pacing in agitation and fear)

JOHANNA (Sings):

He means to marry me Monday,
What shall I do? I’d rather die.

ANTHONY (Sings):

I have a plan —

JOHANNA:

I’ll swallow poison on Sunday,
That’s what I’ll do, I’ll get some lye.

ANTHONY:

I have a plan —

JOHANNA (Stops pacing suddenly):

Oh, dear, was that a noise?

ANTHONY:

A plan —

JOHANNA:

I think I heard a noise.

ANTHONY:

A plan!

JOHANNA:

It couldn’t be,
He’s in court,
He’s in court today,
Still that was a noise,
Wasn’t that a noise?
You must have heard that —

ANTHONY:

Kiss me.

JOHANNA (Shyly):

Oh, sir ...

ANTHONY:

Ah, miss ...

JOHANNA:

Oh, sir ...

(She turns away, agitatedly)

If he should marry me Monday,
What shall I do? I’ll die of grief.

ANTHONY:

We fly tonight —

JOHANNA:

’Tis Friday, virtually Sunday,
What can we do with time so brief?

ANTHONY:

We fly tonight —

JOHANNA:

Behind the curtain — quick!

ANTHONY:

Tonight —

JOHANNA:

I think I heard a click!

ANTHONY:

Tonight!

JOHANNA:
It was a gate! It’s the gate! We don’t have a gate. Still there was a — Wait! There’s another click! You must have heard that — If you’d only listen, miss, and —	ANTHONY:
	It’s not a gate. There’s no gate, You don’t have a gate.

ANTHONY:

Kiss me!

JOHANNA:

Tonight?

ANTHONY:

Kiss me.

JOHANNA:

You mean tonight?

ANTHONY:

The plan is made.

JOHANNA:

Oh, sir!

ANTHONY:

So kiss me.

JOHANNA:

I feel a fright.

ANTHONY:
Be not afraid.
JOHANNA:	ANTHONY:
Sir, I did Love you even as I Saw you, even as it Did not matter that I Did not know your name.	Tonight I’ll Steal You, Johanna, I’ll steal you ...

ANTHONY:

It’s me you’ll marry on Monday,
That’s what you’ll do!

JOHANNA:

And gladly, sir.

ANTHONY:

St. Dunstan’s, noon.

JOHANNA:
I knew I’d be with you one day, Even not knowing who you were. I feared you’d never come, That you’d been called away, That you’d been killed, Had the plague, Were in debtor’s jail, Trampled by a horse, Gone to sea again, Arrested by the —	ANTHONY:
	Ah, miss, Marry me, marry me, miss, Oh, marry me Monday! Favor me, favor me With your hand. Promise, Marry me, marry me, please, Oh, marry me Monday —

JOHANNA:

Kiss me!

ANTHONY:

Of course.

JOHANNA:

Quickly!

ANTHONY:

You’re sure?

JOHANNA:

Kiss me!

ANTHONY (Taking her in his arms):

I shall!

JOHANNA:

Kiss me!
Oh, sir ...

(Lights dim on them but remain; light rises on the JUDGE and the BEADLE, still walking together. Music continues under)

JUDGE (Strolling with BEADLE): Yes, yes, but surely the respect that she owes me as her guardian should be sufficient to kindle a more tender emotion.

BEADLE (Sings):

Excuse me, my lord.
May I request, my lord,
Permission, my lord, to speak?
Forgive me if I suggest, my lord,
You’re looking less than your best, my lord,
There’s powder upon your vest, my lord,
And stubble upon your cheek.
And ladies, my lord, are weak.

(Music continues)

JUDGE: Perhaps if she greets me cordially upon my return, I should give her a small gift ...

BEADLE (Winces delicately):

Ladies in their sensitivities, my lord,
Have a fragile sensibility.
When a girl’s emergent,
Probably it’s urgent
You defer to her gent-
Ility, my lord.
Personal disorder cannot be ignored,
Given their genteel proclivities.
Meaning no offense, it
Happens they resents it,
Ladies in their sensit-
Ivities, my lord.

JUDGE (Feeling his chin): Stubble, you say? Perhaps at times I am a little overhasty with my morning ablutions ...

BEADLE:

Fret not though, my lord,
I know a place, my lord,
A barber, my lord, of skill.
Thus armed with a shaven face, my lord,
Some eau de cologne to grace my lord
And musk to enhance the chase, my lord,
You’ll dazzle the girl until
She bows to your every will.

JUDGE: That may well be so.

(They have reached the JUDGE’s house)

BEADLE: Well, here we are, sir. I bid you good day.

JUDGE: Good day.

(He muses, turns)

And where is this miraculous barber?

BEADLE: In Fleet Street, sir.

JUDGE: Perhaps you may be right. Take me to him.

(They start off. Light up on JOHANNA’S room. JOHANNA and ANTHONY get up from a couch)

BEADLE (Sings):

The name is Todd ...

JUDGE:

Todd, eh?

ANTHONY:

We’d best not wait until Monday

JOHANNA:
Sir, I concur, And fully, too.	BEADLE:
	Sweeney Todd.

ANTHONY:

It isn’t right.
We’d best be married on Sunday.

JOHANNA:

Saturday, sir,
Would also do.

ANTHONY:

Or else tonight.

( The JUDGE and the BEADLE move past the house)

JOHANNA:

I think I heard a noise.

ANTHONY:

Fear not.

JOHANNA:

I mean another noise!

ANTHONY:

Like what?

JOHANNA:
Oh, never mind, Just a noise Just another noise, Something in the street, I’m a silly little Ninnynoddle —	ANTHONY:
	You mustn’t mind, It’s a noise, Just another noise, Something in the street, You silly —

BOTH (Falling into each other’s arms):

Kiss me!

JOHANNA:

Oh, sir ...

ANTHONY:

We’ll go to Paris on Monday.

JOHANNA:

What shall I wear?
I daren’t pack!

ANTHONY:

We’ll ride a train ...

JOHANNA:

With you beside me on Sunday,
What will I care
What things I lack?

ANTHONY:

Then sail to Spain ...

JOHANNA:
I’ll take my reticule. I need my reticule. You mustn’t think Me a fool But my reticule Never leaves my side, It’s the only thing My mother gave me —Kiss me! Kiss me!	ANTHONY:
	Why take your reticule? We’ll buy a reticule. I’d never think You a fool, But a reticule —Leave it all aside And begin again and Kiss me!
We’ll go there, Kiss me! We have a place where we can	I know a place where we can go Tonight. Kiss me! We have a place where we can
Go ...	Go tonight.

BEADLE (Simultaneously with the above):

The name is Todd.

JUDGE:

Todd?

BEADLE:

Todd. Sweeney Todd.

JUDGE:

Todd...

BEADLE:

Todd.

JOHANNA:	ANTHONY:
I loved you Even as I saw you, Even as it does not Matter that I still Don’t know your name, sir, Even as I saw you, Even as it does not Matter that I still Don’t know your name ...	I loved you Even as I saw you, Even as it did not Matter that I did Not know your name ...
	Johanna ... Johanna ... Johanna ...

BEADLE (Simultaneously with above):

Todd ... Sweeney Todd.

JUDGE and BEADLE:

Sweeney Todd.

ANTHONY: Anthony ...

JUDGE: Todd ...

BEADLE: Todd.

JOHANNA: Anthony ...

JUDGE: Todd, eh?

JOHANNA:	ANTHONY:
I’ll marry Anthony Sunday, That’s what I’ll do, No matter what! I knew you’d come for me one day, Only afraid that you’d forgot.	You marry Anthony Sunday, That’s what you’ll do, No matter what! I knew I’d come for you one day Only afraid that you’d forgot.

BEADLE (Simultaneously with above):

Ladies in their sensitivities, my lord ...

JUDGE:

Pray lead the way.

BEADLE:

Have a fragile sensibility ...

JUDGE:

Just as you say.

JOHANNA:	ANTHONY:
I feared you’d never come, That you’d been called away, That you’d been killed, Had the plague, Were in debtor’s jail, Trampled by a horse, Gone to sea again, Arrested by the ...	Marry me, marry me, miss, You’ll marry me Sunday. Favor me, favor me With your hand. Promise, Marry me, marry me, That you’ll marry me —Enough of all this ...

(He crushes her to him; they kiss)

BEADLE (Simultaneously with above):

When a girl’s emergent,
Probably it’s urgent ...
Ladies in their sensitivities ...

JUDGE:

Todd...

JOHANNA (As she sinks to the floor with ANTHONY):

Oh, sir ...

ANTHONY:

Ah, miss ...

JOHANNA:
Oh, sir ...	ANTHONY:
Oh, sir ...	Ah, miss ...
Oh, sir ...	Ah, miss ...
Oh, sir ...	Ah, miss ...
Oh, sir ...	Ah, miss ...
Oh, sir ...	Ah, miss ...

(Light leaves them, comes up on the pieshop-tonsorial parlor. Upstairs, TODD is silently cleaning his razor. In the shop, MRS. LOVETT and TOBIAS unfreeze from the position in which they were last seen)

MRS. LOVETT: Maybe you should run along, dear.

TOBIAS: Oh no, ma’am, I daren’t budge till he calls for me.

MRS. LOVETT: I’ll pop up and see what Mr. Todd says.

(Humming, MRS. LOVETT starts climbing the stairs. As she enters the parlor)

Ah me, my poor knees is not what they was, dear.

(She sits down on the chest)

How long before the Eyetalian gets back?

TODD (Still impassively cleaning the razor): He won’t be back.

MRS. LOVETT (Instantly suspicious): Now, Mr. T., you didn’t!

(TODD nods toward the chest. Realizing, MRS. LOVETT jumps up. For a moment she stands looking at the chest, then, gingerly, she lifts the lid. She gazes down, then spins to TODD)

You’re crazy mad! Killing a man wot done you no harm? And the boy downstairs?

TODD: He recognized me from the old days. He tried to blackmail me, half my earnings forever.

MRS. LOVETT: Oh well, that’s a different matter! What a relief, dear! For a moment I thought you’d lost your marbles.

(Turns to peer down again into the chest)

Ooh! All that blood! Enough to make you come all over gooseflesh, ain’t it. Poor bugger. Oh, well!

(She starts to close the lid, sees something, bends to pick it up. It is PIRELLI’s purse. She looks in it)

Three quid! Well, waste not, want not, as I always say.

(She takes out the money and puts it down her bosom. She is about to throw the purse away when something about it attracts her. She slips it too down her dress. She shuts the chest lid and, quite composed again, sits down on it)

Now, dear, we got to use the old noggin.

(As she sits deep in thought, we see the JUDGE and BEADLE coming up the street)

BEADLE (Pointing): There you are, sir. Above the pieshop, sir.

JUDGE: I see. You may leave me now.

BEADLE: Thank you, sir. Thank you.

(He starts off as the JUDGE approaches the parlor)

MRS. LOVETT (Coming out of her pondering): Well, first there’s the lad.

TODD: Send him up here.

MRS. LOVETT: Him, too! Now surely one’s enough for today, dear. Shouldn’t indulge yourself, you know. Now let me see, he’s half seas over already with the gin ...

(As she speaks, downstairs the JUDGE clangs the bell. TODD runs to the landing and peers down the stairs. The BEADLE is still visible, exiting)

TODD: Providence is kind!

MRS. LOVETT: Who is it?

TODD: Judge Turpin.

MRS. LOVETT (Flustered): Him, him? The Judge? It can’t be! It—

TODD: Quick, leave me!

MRS. LOVETT: What are you going to do?

TODD (Roaring): Leave me, I said!

MRS. LOVETT: Don’t worry, dear. I’m — out!

(She scuttles out of the tonsorial parlor and starts down the stairs as the JUDGE ascends. They meet halfway. She gives him a deep curtsy)

Excuse me, your Lordship.

(She hurries back to TOBIAS in the shop)

JUDGE: Mr. Todd?

TODD: At your service, sir. An honor to receive your patronage, sir.

MRS. LOVETT (To TOBIAS): Now, dear, seems like your guvnor has gone and left you high and dry. But don’t worry. Your Aunt Nellie will think of what to do with you.

(Picks up the bottle of gin and pours some more into his glass. Still holding the bottle, she leads him toward the curtains )

Come on into my lovely back parlor.

(They disappear through the curtain)

JUDGE (Looking around): These premises are hardly prepossessing and yet the Beadle tells me you are the most accomplished of all the barbers in the city.

TODD: That is gracious of him, sir. And you must please excuse the modesty of my establishment. It’s only a few days ago that I set up quarters here and some necessaries are yet to come.

(Indicating chair)

Sit, sir, if you please, sir. Sit.

(The JUDGE settles into the chair; music under as MRS. LOVETT, still holding the gin bottle, enters her back parlor with TOBIAS)

MRS. LOVETT: See how nice and cozy it is? Sit down, dear, sit.

(She starts to pour him more gin)

Oh, it’s empty. Now you just sit there, dear, like a good quiet boy while I get a new bottle from the larder.

(She leaves him alone)

TODD: And what may I do for you, sir? A stylish trimming of the hair? A soothing skin massage?

JUDGE (Sings):

You see, sir, a man infatuate with love,
Her ardent and eager slave.
So fetch the pomade and pumice stone
And lend me a more seductive tone,
A sprinkling perhaps of French cologne,
But first, sir, I think — a shave.

TODD: The closest I ever gave.

(He whips the sheet over the JUDGE, then tucks the bib in. The JUDGE hums, flicking imaginary dust off the sheet; TODD whistles gaily)

JUDGE: You are in a merry mood today, Mr. Todd.

TODD (Sings, mixing lather):

’Tis your delight, sir, catching fire
From one man to the next.

JUDGE:

’Tis true, sir, love can still inspire
The blood to pound, the heart leap higher.

BOTH:

What more, what more can man require —

JUDGE:

Than love, sir?

TODD:

More than love, sir.

JUDGE:

What, sir?

TODD:

Women.

JUDGE:

Ah yes, women.

TODD:

Pretty women.

(The JUDGE hums jauntily; TODD whistles and starts stropping his razor rhythmically. He then lathers the JUDGE’s face. Still whistling, he stands back to survey the JUDGE, who is now totally relaxed, eyes closed. He picks up the razor and sings to it)

Now then, my friend.
Now to your purpose.
Patience, enjoy it.
Revenge can’t be taken in haste.

JUDGE (Opens his eyes):

Make haste, and if we wed,
You’ll be commended, sir.

TODD (Bows):

My lord ...

(Goes to him)

And who, may it be said,
Is your intended, sir?

JUDGE:

My ward.

(TODD freezes; the JUDGE closes his eyes, settles comfortably, speaks)

And pretty as a rosebud.

TODD (Music rising): As pretty as her mother?

JUDGE (Mildly puzzled): What? What was that?

(As the music reaches a shrill crescendo, TODD is slowly bringing the razor toward the JUDGE’s throat when suddenly the JUDGE opens his eyes and starts to twist around in curiosity)

TODD (Musingly, lightly): Oh, nothing, sir. Nothing. May we proceed?

(Starts to shave the JUDGE, sings)

Pretty women ...
Fascinating ...
Sipping coffee,
Dancing ...
Pretty women
Are a wonder.
Pretty women.

Sitting in the window or
Standing on the stair,
Something in them
Cheers the air.

 

Pretty women ...

JUDGE:

Silhouetted ...

TODD:

Stay within you ...

JUDGE:

Glancing ...

TODD:

Stay forever ...

JUDGE:

Breathing lightly ...

TODD:

Pretty women ...

BOTH:

Pretty women!
Blowing out their candles or
Combing out their hair ...

JUDGE:
Then they leave ... Even when they leave you And vanish, they somehow Can still remain There with you, There with you.	TODD:
	Even when they leave, They still Are There. They’re there.

BOTH:

Ah,
Pretty women ...

TODD:

At their mirrors ...

JUDGE:

In their gardens ...

TODD:

Letter-writing ...

JUDGE:

Flower-picking ...

TODD:

Weather-watching ...

BOTH:

How they make a man sing!
Proof of heaven
As you’re living —
Pretty women, sir!

JUDGE:	TODD:
Pretty women, yes!	Pretty women, here’s to
Pretty women, sir!	Pretty women, all the
Pretty women!	Pretty women ...
Pretty women, sir!

(TODD raises his arm in a huge arc and is about to slice the razor across the JUDGE’s throat when ANTHONY bursts in)

ANTHONY (Singing):

She says she’ll marry me Sunday,
Everything’s set, we leave tonight — !

JUDGE (Jumping up, spilling the basin and knocking the razor from TODD’s hand): You!

ANTHONY: Judge Turpin!

JUDGE: There is indeed a Higher Power to warn me thus in time.

(As ANTHONY retreats, he jumps on him and grabs him by the arm)

Johanna elope with you? Deceiving slut — I’ll lock her up in some obscure retreat where neither you nor any other vile, corrupting youth shall ever lay eyes on her again.

ANTHONY (Shaking himself free): But, sir, I beg of you —

JUDGE (To TODD): And as for you, barber, it is all too clear what company you keep. Service them well and hold their custom — for you’ll have none of mine.

(He strides out and down the stairs)

ANTHONY: Mr. Todd!

TODD (Shouting): Out! Out, I say!

(Bewildered, ANTHONY leaves. Music begins under, very agitated. TODD stands motionless, in shock. As the JUDGE hurries off down the street, MRS. LOVETT, with a new bottle of gin in her hand, sees him. She glances after him, then goes into the back parlor where TOBIAS is now asleep. She looks at him, puts down the bottle and hurries out and up the stairs to TODD)

MRS. LOVETT: All this running and shouting. What is it now, dear?

TODD: I had him — and then ...

MRS. LOVETT: The sailor busted in. I saw them both running down the street and I said to myself: “The fat’s in the fire, for sure!”

TODD (Interrupting, sings):

I had him!
His throat was bare
Beneath my hand — !

MRS. LOVETT (Alarmed, pacifying): There, there, dear. Don’t fret.

TODD:

No, I had him!
His throat was there,
And he’ll never come again!

MRS. LOVETT:

Easy now.
Hush, love, hush.
I keep telling you —

TODD (Violently):

When?

MRS. LOVETT:

What’s your rush?

TODD:

Why did I wait?
You told me to wait!
Now he’ll never come again!

(Music becomes ferocious. TODD’s insanity, always close to the surface, explodes finally)

There’s a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And it’s filled with people
Who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it —
But not for long!

 

They all deserve to die!
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett,
Tell you why:
Because in all of the whole human race, Mrs. Lovett,
There are two kinds of men and only two.
There’s the one staying put
In his proper place
And the one with his foot
In the other one’s face —
Look at me, Mrs. Lovett,
Look at you!

No, we all deserve to die!
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett,
Tell you why:
Because the lives of the wicked should be —

(Slashes at the air)

Made brief.
For the rest of us, death
Will be a relief —
We all deserve to die!

(Keening)

And I’ll never see Johanna,
No, I’ll never hug my girl to me —
Finished!

(Turns on the audience)

All right! You, sir,
How about a shave?

(Slashes twice)

Come and visit
Your good friend Sweeney — !
You, sir, too, sir —
Welcome to the grave!
I will have vengeance,
I will have salvation!

 

Who, sir? You, sir?
No one’s in the chair —
Come on, come on,
Sweeney’s waiting!
I want you bleeders!
You, sir — anybody!
Gentlemen, now don’t be shy!
Not one man, no,
Nor ten men,
Nor a hundred
Can assuage me —
I will have you!

(To MRS. LOVETT)

And I will get him back
Even as he gloats.
In the meantime I’ll practice
On less honorable throats.

(Keening again)

And my Lucy lies in ashes
And I’ll never see my girl again,
But the work waits,
I’m alive at last

(Exalted)

And I’m full of joy!

(He drops down into the barber’s chair in a sweat, panting)

MRS. LOVETT (Who has been watching him intently): That’s all very well, but all that matters now is him!

(She points to the chest. TODD still sits motionless. She goes to him, peers at him)

Listen! Do you hear me? Can you hear me? Get control of yourself.

(She slaps his cheek. After a long pause, TODD, still in a half-dream, gets to his feet)

What are we going to do about him? And there’s the lad downstairs. We’d better go and have a look and be sure he’s still there. When I left him he was sound asleep in the parlor.

(She starts downstairs)

Come on!

(TODD follows. She disappears into the back parlor and reemerges )

No problem there. He’s still sleeping. He’s simple as a
baby lamb. Later I can fob him off with some story easy.
But him!

(Indicating the tonsorial parlor above)

What are we going to do with him?

TODD (Disinterestedly): Later on, when it’s dark, we’ll take him to some secret place and bury him.

MRS. LOVETT: Well, of course, we could do that. I don’t suppose there’s any relatives going to come poking around looking for him. But ...

(Pause. Chord)

You know me. Sometimes ideas just pop into me head and I keep thinking ...

(Sings)

Seems a downright shame ...

TODD: Shame?

MRS. LOVETT:

Seems an awful waste ...
Such a nice plump frame
Wot’s-his-name
Has...
Had...
Has...
Nor it can’t be traced.
Business needs a lift —
Debts to be erased —
Think of it as thrift,
As a gift ...
If you get my drift ...

(TODD stares into space)

No?

(She sighs)

Seems an awful waste.
I mean,
With the price of meat what it is,
When you get it,
If you get it —

TODD (Becoming aware, chuckling): Ah!

MRS. LOVETT:

Good, you got it.

(Warming to it)

Take, for instance,
Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop.
Business never better, using only
Pussycats and toast.
And a pussy’s good for maybe six or
Seven at the most.
And I’m sure they can’t compare
As far as taste —

TODD:
Mrs. Lovett, What a charming notion, Eminently practical and yet Appropriate, as always. Mrs. Lovett How I’ve lived without you All these years I’ll never know! How delectable! Also undetectable.	MRS. LOVETT:
	Well, it does seem a Waste ...
	It’s an idea ... Think about it ... Lots of other gentlemen’ll Soon be coming for a shave Won’t they? Think of All them Pies!
How choice! How rare!

TODD:

For what’s the sound of the world out there?

MRS. LOVETT:

What, Mr. Todd,
What, Mr. Todd,
What is that sound?

TODD:

Those crunching noises pervading the air?

MRS. LOVETT:

Yes, Mr. Todd,
Yes, Mr. Todd,
Yes, all around —

TODD:
It’s man devouring man, my dear, And who are we To deny it in here?	MRS. LOVETT:
	Then who are we To deny it in here?

TODD: These are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for.

(She goes to the counter and comes back with an imaginary pie)

MRS. LOVETT: Here we are, hot from the oven.

(She holds it out to him)

TODD:

What is that?

MRS. LOVETT:

It’s priest.
Have a little priest.

TODD:

Is it really good?

MRS. LOVETT:

Sir, it’s too good,
At least.
Then again, they don’t commit sins of the flesh,
So it’s pretty fresh.

TODD (Looking at it):

Awful lot of fat.

MRS. LOVETT:

Only where it sat.

TODD:

Haven’t you got poet
Or something like that?

MRS. LOVETT:

No, you see the trouble with poet
Is, how do you know it’s
Deceased?
Try the priest.

TODD (Tasting it): Heavenly.

(MRS. LOVETT giggles)

Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but not as bland as curate, either.

MRS. LOVETT: And good for business — always leaves you wanting more. Trouble is, we only get it in Sundays ...

(TODD chuckles. MRS. LOVETT presents another imaginary pie)

Lawyer’s rather nice.

TODD:

If it’s for a price.

MRS. LOVETT:

Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow
It twice.

TODD:

Anything that’s lean.

MRS. LOVETT:

Well, then, if you’re British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal
Marine.

(TODD makes a face)

Anyway, it’s clean.
Though, of course, it tastes of wherever it’s been.

TODD (Looking past her at an imaginary oven):

Is that squire
On the fire?

MRS. LOVETT:

Mercy no, sir,
Look closer,
You’ll notice it’s grocer.

TODD:

Looks thicker.
More like vicar.

MRS. LOVETT:

No, it has to be grocer — it’s green.

TODD:

The history of the world, my love —

MRS. LOVETT:

Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors ...

TODD:

— is those below serving those up above.

MRS. LOVETT:

Everybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors ...

TODD:

How gratifying for once to know —

BOTH:

— that those above will serve those down below!

MRS. LOVETT: Now, let’s see ...

(Surveying an imaginary tray of pies on the counter)

We’ve got tinker ...

TODD (Looking at it): Something pinker.

MRS. LOVETT: Tailor?

TODD (Shaking his head): Paler.

MRS. LOVETT: Butler?

TODD: Subtler.

MRS. LOVETT: Potter?

TODD (Feeling it): Hotter.

MRS. LOVETT: Locksmith?

(TODD shrugs, defeated. MRS. LOVETT offers another imaginary pie)

Lovely bit of clerk.

TODD:

Maybe for a lark ...

MRS. LOVETT:

Then again, there’s sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark.

(Another)

Try the financier.
Peak of his career.

TODD:

That looks pretty rank.

MRS. LOVETT:

Well, he drank.
It’s a bank
Cashier.
Last one really sold.

(Feels it)

Wasn’t quite so old.

TODD:

Have you any Beadle?

MRS. LOVETT:

Next week, so I’m told.
Beadle isn’t bad till you smell it
And notice how well it’s
Been greased.
Stick to priest.

(Offers another pie)

Now this may be a bit stringy, but then, of course, it’s fiddle player.

TODD: This isn’t fiddle player. It’s piccolo player.

MRS. LOVETT: How can you tell?

TODD: It’s piping hot.

(Giggles)

MRS. LOVETT (Snorts with glee): Then blow on it first.

(TODD guffaws)

TODD:

The history of the world, my sweet —

MRS. LOVETT:

Oh, Mr. Todd,
Ooh, Mr. Todd,
What does it tell?

TODD:

— is who gets eaten and who gets to eat.

MRS. LOVETT:

And, Mr. Todd,
Too, Mr. Todd,
Who gets to sell.

TODD:

But fortunately, it’s also clear —

TODD:	MRS. LOVETT:
That everybody Goes down well with beer.	But everybody Goes down well with beer.

MRS. LOVETT: Since marine doesn’t appeal to you, how about rear admiral?

TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.

MRS. LOVETT: With or without his privates? “With” is extra.

(TODD chortles)

TODD (As MRS. LOVETT offers another pie):

What is that?

MRS. LOVETT:

It’s fop.
Finest in the shop.
Or we have some shepherd’s pie peppered
With actual shepherd
On top.
And I’ve just begun.
Here’s the politician — so oily
It’s served with a doily —

(TODD makes a face)

Have one.

TODD:

Put it on a bun.

(As she looks at him quizzically)

Well, you never know if it’s going to run.

MRS. LOVETT:

Try the friar.
Fried, it’s drier.

TODD:

No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy.

MRS. LOVETT:

Then actor —
That’s compacter.

TODD:

Yes, and always arrives overdone.
I’ll come again when you
Have Judge on the menu ...

MRS. LOVETT: Wait! True, we don’t have Judge — yet — but would you settle for the next best thing?

TODD: What’s that?

MRS. LOVETT (Handing him a butcher’s cleaver): Executioner.

(TODD roars, and then, picking up her wooden rolling pin, hands it to her)

TODD:

Have charity toward the world, my pet —

MRS. LOVETT:

Yes, yes, I know, my love —

TODD:

We’ll take the customers that we can get.

MRS. LOVETT:

High-born and low, my love.

TODD:

We’ll not discriminate great from small.
No, we’ll serve anyone —
Meaning anyone —

BOTH:

And to anyone
At all!

(Music continues as the two of them brandish their “weapons. ” The scene blacks out.)

The Prologue’s front drop depicting in a honeycomb the class system of mid-19th Century England

“The Worst Pies in London” Mrs. Lovett (Angela Lansbury) and Sweeney Todd (Len Cariou)

“My Friends” Sweeney (Len Cariou)

Johanna (Sarah Rice) and Anthony (Victor Garber)

“Wait” Mrs. Lovett (Angela Lansbury) and Sweeney (Len Cariou)

“Pretty Women” Sweeney (Len Cariou) and Judge Turpin (Edmund Lyndeck)

“By the Sea” Mrs. Lovett (Angela Lansbury)

“Not While I’m Around” Tobias (Ken Jennings) and Mrs. Lovett (Angela Lansbury)

Sweeney has his revenge Judge Turpin (Edmund Lyndeck) and Sweeney (Len Cariou)

In the Final Sequence, Sweeney (Len Cariou) cradles the body of the dead Beggar Woman (Merle Louise) as a now demented Tobias (Ken Jennings) avenges Sweeney’s victims

Bob Gunton as Sweeney Todd and Beth Fowler as Mrs. Lovett in the 1989 Circle-in-the-Square production

Sheila Hancock as Mrs. Lovett and Denis Quilley in the original London production