What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?
—George Eliot
WHEN SHE HAD A WORRY or a secret, my grandmother wouldn’t dream of discussing it with anyone outside the family. When a family member was in need, home was where they had to take you in. Today, even if we wanted to, we can’t always take refuge in family. We are often living—and aging—far from our biological families, and sometimes we feel less connected to them than to our friends. That turns out to be a very healthy turn of events. New clinical research proves that we can literally change one another’s chemistry for the better. What scientists have discovered about girlfriends explains some of the mysteries of our bonds.
Why is it that I can leave for a date with friends, while grumbling that I really don’t have the time and I’m not in the mood, yet later when we hug each other goodbye I feel all warm and fuzzy and ready to meet the day?
Studies show that when we are doing whatever girlfriends do together, our bodies produce oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone” (because it is released in nursing mothers). Unlike husbands or kids, who are often the cause of anxiety, our friends consistently elicit that warm glow, which feels good and soothes anxiety. In fact, while everyone else drives you crazy at one time or another, your friendships may keep you sane. A Swedish study even found that people with broad networks of friends were the lowest risk group for dementia.
Studies of female primates show the same phenomenon: Hanging out with a small but trusted group of other females reduces damaging spikes in stress hormones, reports New York Times science writer Natalie Angier. A circle of trust can, as she puts it, “mop up the cortisol spills that can weaken the immune system,” which in turn can support additional years of good health.
Why is it that when something goes wrong and I start to panic, my friends can talk me through it?
Again, it is the group hug. Women respond to danger by gathering in a mutually supportive group, while men show a “fight or flight” surge of adrenaline. It used to be thought that all humans exhibited “fight or flight” responses, but recent work (by a team of women scientists at UCLA led by Shelley E. Taylor)) found that women are wired somewhat differently, so that our reaction to a crisis is more likely to be a more diplomatic, “tend and befriend” approach, which again reduces tension.
That conciliatory response may also make women more creative and calm in a crisis, because the “fight or flight” response is produced in the primitive (“reptilian”) part of the brain, which shuts down most rational resources in order to concentrate on physical strength and agility.
When I have a problem to solve, why is it that my husband’s immediate reaction—“let’s step back and analyze this thing so we can find the right answer”—just makes me more crazy, while huddling with friends who ask questions (basic ones like “what do you want to do?”) and laying out various possible approaches (along with the effect of each on the people involved) makes everything seem do-able?
Swedish researchers set up just such a situation, as recounted by gender scientist Dr. Marianne J. Legato in her book Eve’s Rib. Women preparing to speak in public (an especially high-stress activity for us) reported that the presence of even a well-meaning male partner made them more anxious, while the presence of a woman friend gave them confidence.
Our friends’ ability to “make things better”—or at least feel better—may make a crucial difference in our outlook. When Dr. George E. Vaillant evaluated studies of a group of individuals throughout their lives, he found that “objective good physical health was less important to successful aging than subjective good health. By this I mean,” he explained in his book Aging Well, “that it is all right to be ill as long as you do not feel sick.”
How can it be that no matter how bad something is, and no matter how intense the conversation with a girlfriend, we eventually find something to laugh about?
Laughter may be our most precious gift to each other; it is a powerful elixir (in fact, the act of laughing releases endorphins, those feel-good brain chemicals). It is very rare to spend more than a few minutes with a girlfriend when there isn’t a burst of laughter, no matter whatever else is going on. Gestalt therapist Ilana Rubenfeld calls humor “a martial art” because it cuts a frightening situation down to size. In addition, the physical exercise of a hearty laugh, not unlike orgasm, is a good, endorphin-releasing workout. Laughing, Rubenfeld concludes, “improves blood circulation, increases the oxygenation of the blood, enhances digestion, reduces pain … and best of all strengthens the immune system.” An Indian doctor, Madan Kataria, has taken this therapy one step further by developing a practice he calls “laughter yoga.” Groups of people get together, do some deep breathing, and begin to emit fake laughs. Soon the laughs become real, and after fifteen or twenty minutes, everyone feels great.
Laughter works, no matter how “inappropriate” it may seem. A psychiatrist I talked to is convinced that so-called “black humor” is a uniquely human survival technique. Dr. Andrew Weil puts it nicely in his book Healthy Aging. Laughter, he writes, “is a way of seeing the ridiculous side of life, the incongruities and absurdities that can make you laugh even in the midst of misfortune, especially in the midst of misfortune.”
How is it that girlfriends know how to make life a little bit easier for each other? (For example, my dinner group has decided to exchange gifts in January so that coming up with those gifts is not one more item on our stressful pre-holiday to-do lists?) How is it, in other words, that other women just “get it”?
The phrase “tend and befriend” describes this intuitive understanding nicely. The UCLA scientists who identified it as a distinctly female response first observed the gender-specific behaviors in their own lab. When something went wrong, the men would storm into their offices and slam the doors, while the women would come out of their offices and make coffee. We don’t need scientists to tell us that an old-fashioned coffee klatch with the girls is one of the many ways we tend and befriend each other, but it is nice to know that along with our lattes, we are getting a biochemical boost.
We even get a little dessert with our latte. Natalie Angier, writing about how women interact, reports on an experiment in which women were invited to play a game; they had to choose either a cooperative or competitive strategy. Brain imaging showed that the brains lit up most brightly among the women who chose cooperation and increased as cooperation continued. The areas of the brain that lit up were those that, according to Angier, also respond to “chocolate, pretty faces, money, cocaine, and a range of licit and illicit delights.”
If all that isn’t enough, listen to the prestigious Mayo Clinic; doctors there are so committed to promoting health through friendship that they have developed a list of pointers for building and maintaining a successful relationship. Their tips include:
Go easy. Respect your friends’ boundaries.
Don’t compete.
Adopt a healthy, realistic self-image. Vanity and constant self-criticism can be turnoffs to potential friends.
Listen up. Ask what’s going on in your friends’ lives. Avoid talking about your own problems all the time. Try to only give advice when your friends ask for it.
Don’t judge. Give friends space to change, grow, and make mistakes.
In the “you are not wasting your time” department, I’d add one more practical suggestion: Make time for your friends. You may have a built-in reminder—a class you take together or a project you are working on during the weekend—but if not, we are all so busy that it is important to make a time commitment as solid as the emotional commitment. We in my five-woman posse, for example, pull out our calendars at the same time as we pull out our credit cards at the end of each meal, to make sure we schedule the next get-together.