Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work.
ECCLESIASTES 4:9 (NIV)
You may have noticed by now that I love sports! In fact, while growing up, I loved sports so much that I participated in a variety of them over the years. I was good at some…and not so good at others. But I still enjoyed playing with the guys. In most of those sandlot-type events, the teams were organized on the spot, and winning generally depended on which team had the best athletes. But sometimes winning occurred when a bunch of average guys played well as a team. (Do you relate? Does this bring back any of your childhood memories?)
Well, this principle about winning as a team is true in marriage as well: Marriage works best when a husband and wife work together as a team. That’s the way God designed marriage. From the very beginning, God meant for the man and woman to work together. So let’s start this chapter by looking at teamwork in marriage—God-style!
The sports world has produced just a few of what I would call “perfect” teams. These are the teams that had “the winning combination.” Because I’m not a sports historian, I can give only a limited perspective on which have been the most perfect teams in sports. But, which would you say were the best-of-the-best? In baseball? In football? In basketball? In other sports? In whatever sport you pick and whatever team you pick, this team put it all together. Some of these teams were loaded with talent. Others probably didn’t have lots of players with the greatest talent, but they had the heart. They worked as a team and won it all.
In the Bible we also see the winning combination—God’s “perfect team.” This team was perfect because the God of perfection created it. Let’s take a closer look at this team in Genesis 1 and 2 and see what we can learn from God’s winning combination, God’s perfect team, God’s perfect marriage:
The team had the right owner—In sports, the owner of the team plays a vital role in the success of the team. In this case, God, the creator and owner of this team, played the most important role of all. He formed this team from scratch. “The earth was without form, and void” (Genesis 1:2). “Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness’ ” (verse 26).
The team had the right coach—Even the best of teams needs a good coach, one who can give strong direction. God provided such leadership, declaring, “Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth” (verse 26).
The team had members of equal nature and ability—Can you imagine a team with everyone having equal natural talents and abilities? A team of Michael Jordans? God’s team had two members who were created in the same image. Both were created in the image of God. “God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (verse 27).
The team had the right mandate—To be a winning team, you need to know who your opponent is and what the strategy for winning is. And sometimes you need a good “half-time pep talk”! God’s perfect marriage team had the gauntlet laid down for them. This was their game strategy: “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth” (verse 28).
The team had the right resources—In some sports, equipment is everything. For instance, as a golfer, can you imagine having only one club in your bag? But not so with God. God said, “See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food” (verse 29). God’s team had everything it needed to play the game of life.
The team had the right leader—Whether in sports or business, one person must be in charge—one CEO, one quarterback, one point guard. In the case of God’s team, the man was placed in this role of leadership. He was created first when “the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being” (Genesis 2:7). He was to name the animals. The woman was “brought” to him (verse 22), and he was the one who named her. From every possible angle, we see that the man was the central player on the team.
The team members understood their roles—Man was the team leader. But God, the Owner-Coach, decided that rather than have the man try to do the job by himself, he could use a “helper,” a wife, one who would support and assist him. God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (verse 18). This didn’t make the wife any less of a player. No, as we’ve already seen, woman was created with the same image and nature as the man. She was “comparable” to the man (verse 18), his counterpart, equal in standing…but with a different role to play on the team. Theirs was to be a leader-helper relationship.
The team members lived out their roles—It’s one thing to know your role, but quite another to live it out. Let’s say, for instance, that on my sandlot team I was assigned the role of tackle on the team, but in my heart I really wanted to play quarterback. This would definitely create a problem! But on God’s team, we assume that Adam knew his role and functioned in it. And being the perfect team, we also assume the woman knew and functioned perfectly in her role.
Well, there you have it. Take a good, long look at the perfect team—the perfect marriage. We don’t know how long God’s team functioned as the perfect team because the Bible doesn’t say. But we do know that, however long it lasted, it was heaven on earth! Just think of the best day you and your wife ever had together. No arguments. No disagreements. Nothing but harmony the whole day long. Then…imagine every day being like that, and, brother, you have a glimpse of that first marriage and that perfect relationship between husband and wife.
How can a marriage be a little bit of heaven on earth? Or more specifically, how can your marriage be a little bit of heaven on earth? Answer: By following God’s plan of teamwork. Read now what Gary Thomas says about viewing your marriage as a team effort:
When a man and woman marry, they are pledging to stop viewing themselves as individuals and start viewing themselves as a unit, as a couple. In marriage, I am no longer free to pursue whatever I want; I am no longer a single man. I am part of a team, and my ambitions, dreams, and energies need to take that into account.3
I think both you and I can see that we need to put away selfishness and “childish things” (see 1 Corinthians 13:11) and take on the concept of team-work and being a team player!
Following God’s Plan
I was just a young boy living in Oklahoma when it happened—we had just bought our first television! Immediately my dad and I sat down on that fateful Saturday to watch OU (Oklahoma University, the “Boomer” Sooners) play Notre Dame. The day is forever etched in my mind as the day OU’s winning streak—47 games without a loss—ended. (And, if I’m not mistaken, that streak still holds the record.) What happened? How could they lose? I’m sure there were many reasons, such as, perhaps they played against a better team. Whatever the reason, the winning streak was over. And that was devastating news for every OU fan.
Well, there was another winning streak that ended one day, and men and women have never been the same since that “loss” either. That was the day the perfect marriage team suffered defeat. How did it happen? First, the team members were separated. The woman was alone and without her teammate and team leader, the man (Genesis 3:1). Second, there was a formidable opponent. “The serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field” (verse 1). Third, the woman took on the opponent alone without her teammate (verses 2-6). And as the saying goes, the rest is history! From the point of that first conniving attack and the ensuing defeat, the enemy, Satan, has been using the same successful strategy to attack and destroy marriages ever since. Witness now the breakup of that first perfect team and its results:
The man blamed God and his wife—“The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate” (verse 12).
The battle of the sexes began—To the woman God said, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (verse 16). One theologian interprets this verse in this way:
Because of sin and the curse, the man and the woman will face struggles in their own relationship. Sin has turned the harmonious system of God-ordained roles into distasteful struggles of self-will. Lifelong companions, husbands and wives, will need God’s help in getting along as a result. The woman’s desire will be to lord it over her husband, but the husband will rule by divine design.4
But take heart! Not all is lost! Even though you and I are less-than-perfect people, we can again recapture a little bit of that original marriage’s team-“form” if we will again take this theologian’s advice and seek God’s help and follow God’s plan for our marriage by going back to the original plan—back to the basics.
Back to the Basics
Let’s go back to that perfect team and see what it will take to regain that winning combination. I know at times I’ve failed to follow God’s pattern for my marriage. How about you? Are you following the pattern of that original perfect team which was created and managed by God Himself? Let’s ask ourselves some tough questions as we look at the basics again:
The team had the right owner—Is God the owner of your marriage? The Bible says that every Christian has been bought with a price (1 Corinthians 7:23). That price is the death of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 2:24). Your team, made up of you and your wife, must start with the right owner. That’s as basic as it gets! If Christ isn’t the Lord of your life, this would be a good time to ask Him to be your Savior and thus come under new ownership. In case you are wondering what to do or how to make this “transaction,” here is a prayer you can pray from your heart:
Jesus, I know I am a sinner, and I want to repent of my sins and turn and follow You. I believe that You died for my sins and rose again victorious over the power of sin and death, and I want to accept You as my personal Savior. Come into my life, Lord Jesus, and help me follow and obey You from this day forward. Amen.
The team had the right coach—The Bible is God’s rule book for life and for your marriage. How closely are you following God’s rule book for your marriage? If you are not already reading your Bible on a daily basis, this would be a good day to start. You can’t play the game successfully without knowing the rules. Find out what God, your coach, is asking of you.
The team had members of equal nature and ability—How do you view your wife? Do you see her as second-class, as inferior? You might not come right out and admit such a view, but your actions may be revealing your heart, so check out your actions. God created your sweet wife in His image. In His eyes “there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). Therefore you are to treat your wife with the love and respect she deserves as an equal. In fact, if you gave her worth much thought, you might decide to call her your better half!
The team had the right mandate—How do you see the mission of your marriage? You must realize that it is not to merely live together and/or have children. Obviously these are essential elements to any marriage, but the rest of the world does this. No, God has greater plans for you and your marriage. He has brought you and your wife together to serve Him, to “have dominion” and demonstrate His glory to a watching world. Why not sit down with your wife and draw up a “game plan” for glorifying God in your marriage?
The team had the right resources—The Bible states that Jesus Christ “has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). The resources for a God-honoring marriage are there. They’re there, and they’re available. Are you taking advantage of those resources “through the knowledge of Him who called [you]” (verse 3)?
The team had the right leader—God has called you, the husband, to be the physical and spiritual leader in your marriage. How are you doing? Don’t be discouraged if you’re not quite where you need to be. But do ask God to give you a new resolve to be that leader. Ask Him to direct you to a man or men in your church who can help you to be that leader. Again, the resources are there. Don’t be too proud to ask for help. Your team needs your leadership!
The team members understood their roles—Do you and your wife have a good understanding of the role each of you is to play in your marriage? Again, make sure both of you look again at the rule book—the Bible—for a description of your roles. Remember, marriage is a leader-helper relationship.
The team members lived out their roles—As a husband, you already know you can’t make your spouse live out her role as wife and helper, but you (by God’s grace) can live out God’s role for you as a leader in your marriage. Again, seek all the help you can get to live out your role.
“Two Are Better than One”
King Solomon wrote the perfect words to sum up God’s view of teamwork in marriage. In the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon addressed many of life’s issues, but in one particular section he wrote about the value of a companion, or, in our case, a marriage companion. Read his wisdom, and then let’s remember it and apply it to our marriage. Let’s purpose to work as a team, and not merely as a team, but a winning team!
Two are better than one,
because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
for he has not one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together,
they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered by another,
two can withstand him.
ECCLESIASTES 4:9-12
God knows that “two are better than one.” That’s why He has given you your mate. Your wife is to be your companion—to live with, to love with, and together as a team, to conquer life’s battles with.
Reaping the Blessings
In the Garden of Eden, God finished His perfect creation, and He blessed His first couple. They worked perfectly as a team, and theirs was a winning team. But now these many years later, after the fall into sin, God still desires to create new winning teams, and He wants to create such a team in your marriage. Why not follow His instructions and commit yourself to leading your wife and working as a team to fulfill God’s plan for your marriage? Here are some of the blessings that will come with this kind of commitment:
God will be honored—What greater blessing can you enjoy than to exalt and honor God by honoring His design for your marriage?
Your marriage will be honored—The world and even the Christian community is looking for marriages that work. Follow God’s plan and demonstrate to the watching world what a “winning team” looks like. Others will respect what they see and want to follow your godly model.
You will be complete—God’s plan requires two people, a man and a woman, that will work together as a team, with each person enhancing the other. What a beautiful plan! Your weaknesses are enriched by your wife’s strengths. In turn, your strengths supplement her weaknesses. So together, the two of you are a much stronger force for the cause of Jesus Christ. Now, that’s glorious teamwork!
1. Plan together.
A team needs common goals and direction. Planning things together can give your marriage team that focus. So get together with your wife and pick a date when you can plan for next week and next month. Your objective is to work your way right on through the next year and on into the years to come. What else should you work on planning together? Your yearly vacation. Your children’s education. Your retirement, etc. Once you both know the plan (whatever that might be), then you can both put all of your energies into fulfilling your plans…together.
2. Work together.
Your marriage is the union of two people who, when they work together as a team, can accomplish vastly more than when working separately. So select projects that allow you to work together to complete the task. Functioning as a team is not always easy. And you may have to work at it awhile until you are no longer working against each other, but with each other. Operating as a couple gets any job done faster, and you can have a lot of fun together in the process as well as the joy of mutual satisfaction as you admire your joint accomplishments.
3. Play together.
This “little thing” is so important we will devote an entire chapter to it (chapter 10, “Making Time for Fun”). But for now, realize that your marriage needs a break every so often. By that I mean a break from the stress of everyday living, working, raising children, doing household work. You need to plan a time when the two of you can have some fun. Hire a babysitter and have a night out. Do something that will take your mind off of other people and your pressures and allow you to focus on each other. Have some fun!
4. Pray together.
I mentioned praying for your wife in the previous chapter, but praying together with your wife takes prayer to another level. Carve out a time each day when the two of you can go to the Lord in mutual prayer. It doesn’t have to be a long time, just a few minutes is good. Praying as a couple knits your hearts together for common spiritual concerns and direction. Your wife will hear your heart as you talk to God. And you will do likewise as you listen to her prayers. Your desires for your marriage will become fused with those of your wife as the two of you step out together in faith.
While you will certainly cultivate friendships at work and at church, and have sports interests and hobbies that transcend your marriage, you must always think as a married man. Before you plunge into things, think “together” and ask for your wife’s input and opinions. Let her know when your plans change and you won’t be home on time. Consult her on a business venture, especially if it will affect her and your family financially. Try to abide by the Philippians 2:4 Principle: “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”