And these words, which I am commanding you
today, shall be in your heart.
You shall teach them diligently to your children.
DEUTERONOMY 6:6-7
I recently heard a man in the ministry testify to the powerful influence his father had on his life. He shared that his dad spent a great deal of time teaching him how to be a person of godly character. He then explained how this happened: The father made it a policy to spend an hour every evening after dinner with this man and his sister when they were children. Sometimes the hour was used for teaching. Other times it was spent reading with them from the Bible and other books. Then as the children grew older, the father added going over the newspaper with his son and daughter, interpreting current events in light of biblical truth. These one-hour-a-day sessions lasted until the son left home to attend college. No wonder the son was so willing to rise up and call his father blessed!
Fellow husband, it’s time to add yet another element to our growing list of critical “things that really matter in your marriage”—that of parenting. At this point I am assuming you have children. If you don’t, you’ll still find this chapter beneficial for sharing with others who do have children, and for preparing you for the time when you and your wife have children (Lord willing). Then again, you may be a father whose children don’t live in your home. If so, the basics I’m about to share can be implemented when you do have time with your children.
Parenting 101
In the testimony I just shared, we find a wealth of principles that are involved in godly child-raising. Let’s analyze this father’s parenting process and see how we can benefit from his example.
The importance of instruction—This man’s father did not abdicate his role and responsibility of teaching and training his children. As you probably noticed, his sessions with his family were not heavy-duty, formal teaching times. No, his sessions simply involved taking the time to sit down with his children to read, talk, and discuss the issues of life.
This story also illustrates that Christian fathers don’t need to have a Ph.D. in education or Bible to give instruction to their children. In fact, the Christian worker went on to say that his father had no more than an eighth-grade education!
Teaching is an important obligation that you and I have as fathers. Our faithful instruction helps ensure that the next generation carries on our faith in Christ and our biblical values (again, Lord willing). Moses said it this way to the Israelites just before they entered God’s Promised Land: “These words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). In other words, the parents were to make an all-out effort to pass on to the next generation the faith that had been handed down to them.
And Christian father, that is your mandate as well! Think about it: The Christian faith is, humanly speaking, only one generation away from extinction. Let’s make sure we do our part to instill the teachings of our Christian faith to our children and then trust God to do His work in their hearts.
The importance of a personal love for God—The Christian worker who shared his testimony had a love for God that was alive and vibrant. Why? Partly because such a love was modeled for him by a father who had experienced God’s love in his own life. Looking again at the exhortation of Moses, note a parent’s first responsibility:
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart (Deuteronomy 6:5).
Dad, you cannot impart to others what you do not possess yourself! Moses told the parents to first love God themselves. Then they were to pass their faith on to their children. Make it your chief aim in life to develop a living and growing love for God. Your children will notice and respond to what’s important to you.
The importance of environment—Practically every man has heard of Mickey Mantle, one of the greatest baseball players who ever lived. I certainly heard about him while growing up. In fact, Mickey Mantle was born and raised in the small town just north of my hometown of Miami, Oklahoma. On one occasion, Mickey was actually in the one and only sporting goods store in Miami during the off-season. I just happened to be in the same store that day and, of course, I recognized him right away. I was in such awe of him that, rather than ask for his autograph, I casually walked by and purposefully touched his hunting jacket from behind. I vowed I would never wash that hand again!
Well, back to my point…
From the time Mickey Mantle was a little boy of five, his father surrounded him with a life of baseball. Mickey ate, drank, and slept baseball. In fact, his achievements as a baseball player were partly attributed to the environment created by his father. In later life, Mickey credited his father’s constant emphasis on baseball as the strongest contribution to his Hall-of-Fame success.
Friend, whether it’s baseball or Christianity, I think by now you can see that the atmosphere in your home will create an impression on your young ones. Your job is to make sure you establish an environment where your Christian beliefs and character are on constant display before your children.
The father in our illustration at the beginning of this chapter created a climate of love, biblical teaching, and awareness. The children, at least for that one hour each day, were surrounded by and enveloped in the love of a caring, believing father. Going back again to Moses’ talk with God’s people, note the kind of environment Moses said was to be created by the parents:
These words which I command you today.…You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates (verses 6-9).
Fellow father, you and I need to take these same admonitions to heart. Our children must never for a moment think that our faith isn’t the most important thing in our life. They must never for a moment think that the Christian faith is only a “Sunday faith.” Instead, they must hear us constantly talking about Jesus. They must consistently see the vibrancy and excitement of our love for Jesus Christ as it is lived out in every aspect of our lives.
The importance of time—Time seems to be in such short supply for us men! We never seem to have enough of it. We are usually busy every spare minute and second of our time. But be encouraged. No one else has any more time than you do. We all have 24 hours, 1,440 minutes, 86,400 seconds each day to spend as we choose.
Now notice again how the wise father in the minister’s testimony chose to spend just one of his hours each day. To him, 60 minutes of time spent with his children was critical. And I’m sure you’ll agree that his time was most meaningful to his son as well. This pastor was greatly impacted by a father who “made time” for his children.
Christian dad, there is always time for what you think is important! Therefore, evaluate your time. What in the world is more important than your children? When it comes to the priority of time with your children, I often quote and paraphrase these words spoken by Jesus: “For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits [his children]” (Luke 9:25 NASB). The world doesn’t offer enough gold to exchange for your children! You simply must make time for them. Every golden minute spent with your children accumulates to become your greatest investment and will reap your greatest dividends.
The importance of discipline—Up to this point we’ve looked at the life of one man and his relationship with his father. We have gained some great insights into the biblical parenting process. But branching out from this example, we need to consider at least one more aspect to our parenting—that of disciplining our children.
The Bible repeatedly stresses the need for us to discipline our offspring. For example, Proverbs 23:13 says, “Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die.” If this proverb seems a bit harsh for today’s society, listen as the Bible compares God’s discipline of His children with our responsibility to discipline our children: “My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, nor detest His correction; for whom the LORD loves He corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights” (Proverbs 3:11-12).
Friend, you and I are rebellious and sinful people. And guess what? Our children are rebellious and sinful too! God has declared, “There is none who does good, no, not one” (Romans 3:12), and that includes our darlings! As God deals with us in our rebellion, we too need to deal with our children in theirs. And like God, who administers His discipline in love, we too must administer discipline in love.
I don’t know about you, but administering discipline has never been a favorite thing on my “to-do list” from God. Left to myself, I would probably live out the joke that quips, “Everything in our houses today are run by switches except the children.” But you and I can’t “wimp out” and delegate that responsibility to our wife or forget it altogether. She can certainly assist, particularly in our absence. But ultimately you as the father are responsible to God for the discipline of your children.
Christian father, God loves you and disciplines you accordingly. So “go thou and do likewise.” But heed the advice of these two scriptures as you follow through on God’s plan for disciplining your children:
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged (Colossians 3:21).
Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).
The importance of example—It’s been said, “Until a boy is 15 he will do what his father says; after that he does what his father does.” What a description of the power of example! I know this was sure true in my life. Many of the good qualities in my life were instilled by my father. I owe him a great debt of gratitude, and I only wish he were here so I could express my gratitude.
But there was also a negative side to my dad. This was understandable because he was not a believer. From what I observed, I think he and my mother had a good relationship with each other. But on occasion, my father treated my mother in gruff and disrespectful ways that I determined I would never do when I got married. Well, guess what? I did them anyway! Such is the power of example! His influence was so great that I ended up one day dealing with my wife the way my father treated my mother, and I quickly realized I had to deal with the pattern that had been instilled by a bad example.
Think back on your own childhood. Think about the way your father acted toward your mother. Then think about the way you are treating your wife. Are there any similarities, either good or bad? Well, think about this: Your children are watching your behavior. As I copied my father’s behavior and as you may have copied your father’s behavior, so your children will one day copy your behavior. Can you point to anything they are mimicking or might mimick later? Selfishness, pride, outbursts of anger, worldliness? Or Christlikeness and biblical virtues?
The most important way you can be a good example as a father is to accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and confess Him before others, including your family, and live a dedicated life for Christ. That’s a life worth imitating! Hopefully your family will never ask the question one little girl did:
A father once took his little girl on his lap and described what a Christian looked like. When he was finished, the little girl looked up at her father with a furrowed, quizzical little face and asked a question that pierced her father to the core, “Daddy, have I ever seen one?”
Christian father, what are you modeling to your children? Are they able to observe what a Christian looks like through your conduct around the house? My friend, ask God to work in your life. Then do everything in your power to be a consistent example of what a Christian looks like. May you so model Christlikeness before your children that in years to come they will stand tall for Christ before their children. Such is the importance of example.
Be Careful…Because the Days Are Evil
There’s no doubt we are living in a day of rampant evil. Society is going downhill fast, and it is trying to take us and our families down with it. Yet this is nothing new. The apostle Paul described his day as evil (Ephesians 5:16). But he offers us advice that was good in his day and is equally appropriate for ours: “See then that you walk circumspectly [with great care], not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:15-16).
From my pastoral and personal experience, I see that many of us Christian fathers today have two main problems. First, as fathers we are not walking with great care. We are not being careful enough about how we act around our children. Our kids sometimes don’t see a significant difference between our actions and how those in the world act. That’s why Paul says, “Be careful how you walk” (verse 15 NASB). As I said earlier, your consistent, godly example will go a long way in giving children the courage to stand tall for Christ in this evil day.
And second, we as believing dads are not “redeeming the time” (verse 16) when it comes to our children. We are so concerned (and rightly so) about providing for the physical needs of our children that we don’t always give proper attention to their spiritual, mental, and emotional needs. The wise father “understand[s] what the will of the Lord is” (verse 17) and works at his role as a dad.
So let me mention the key points again—example, time, discipline, and instruction are what God asks you to focus on as a father so your children can better weather the storm of this present evil day. Such hands-on involvement is a significant part of God’s will for you as a parent. God’s will is that you never give up on your children. The day is evil and the stakes are high—too high!—for you to fail to give the raising of your children your all.
One pastor who has counseled many young people who have gone astray—even in the area of becoming homosexuals—makes this strong statement about his experience:
Let me shoot straight with you. If we will function as the loving heads of our homes, respect and love our wives, and follow the guidelines of Ephesians 6:4, our children will not grow up to be homosexuals. I pastored for ten years in the San Francisco Bay area and counseled with more than a few homosexuals. Without exception, every one of them came from a home where the basic principles of Ephesians 5:22–6:4 were not implemented.14
That’s a pretty strong statement! The strength of this conclusion from Steve Farrar, a writer and men’s conference speaker, should give us hope…but it should also motivate us to carry out our responsibilities. He writes that if you and I will follow God’s plan and fulfill His will for us as husbands and fathers, we are well down the road, humanly speaking, to better protecting our children in these desperate times. May we stay true to our mandate as leaders in our homes. May we make sure we spend life-changing time with our children. May we be intent on modeling Christlikeness. May we be faithful to teach the truths of Scripture…no matter what!
Walk as Wise Men
I don’t know about you, but Steve’s words really hit me hard. We dads know what the Word of God says we should do: We are to “walk, not as unwise men, but as wise” (Ephesians 5:15 NASB). But somehow it’s easy for us to get sidetracked by all that’s going on around us. Then we end up making some unwise decisions about the priority of our children. Let’s determine right here, right now, that with God’s help, we are going to start making wiser decisions when it comes to our children.
You may be thinking, But Jim, you don’t know the mess I have made of things. I’ve had my priorities in all the wrong places. I’ve already alienated my children because of the way I’ve behaved. In fact, I don’t even know where to begin making things right.
Well, brother, you have already started making things right! You are asking the questions that show your concern. And you are still reading this book. You are definitely moving in the right direction toward becoming all that God desires of you—a husband after His own heart.
So now it’s time for you to ask God to give you renewed energy as you seek to become a father after His heart. Ask for His forgiveness for all the past mistakes you have made. Then go a giant step further and talk to some very special people—your children and your wife—and ask their forgiveness for your lack of love and concern for their welfare. Start fresh today on parenting your children and becoming a man after God’s own heart in your role as a family man. I know you can do it! How can I say that? Because God promises to help you to do His will!
The Potential Rewards
Let me close this chapter with an understatement: “Parenting is one of the hardest things you will ever do.” If you are a parent, you understand what I am saying. Parenting is not easy. In fact, it is downright hard! But if you will hang in there with God, if you will do your part in parenting your children God’s way, and if you will resist caving in to the pressures of society (and even your own children), you will experience incredible blessings from your children. Elizabeth and I know this to be true. We probably made about every mistake that could be made in parenting. And we traveled some rocky roads with our girls. But with God’s wisdom from His Word and the wise guidance of others, we kept on looking to God for His help and doing our part according to the Bible. One blessing we now enjoy is joining arm-in-arm with our daughters and their husbands to go about the business of raising another generation—our grandchildren—who (Lord willing and by His grace!) will one day know and love our Savior.
What joy can be experienced by both you and me if we will follow God’s plan for parenting! I believe the apostle John said it best:
I have no greater joy
than to hear that my children walk in truth.
3 JOHN 4
1. Discipline with consistency.
You and your wife come into your marriage from different backgrounds and from different ways of doing all kinds of things. So when you have children, you each tend to discipline from your particular perspective or experience. That’s fine if you’re both on the same page. But what if you’re not? Then there’s a potential for conflict. And in the end, your children are the losers if there is tension between you and your wife or inconsistency in methods you use when it comes to disciplining them. Why not sit down with your wife and together map out a strategy for consistent discipline? If you need help, ask others, or take some parenting classes as a couple at your church. Such counsel and classes will guide both of you toward creating consistent biblical principles for child-raising.
2. Pray for your children.
Do the same thing you did with your wife—take pictures of your children with you to work and place them where you can see them throughout the day. Again, as with your wife, when you look at any of the pictures, shoot up a prayer to God for that child and what he or she might be doing right at that moment. With a mentality of praying always (Ephesians 6:18) for your children, you can’t help but be a godly parent. And one more thing—how many others are praying specifically for your children? You and your wife might be the only two people who faithfully pray for them. Don’t miss out on this important ministry.
3. Take your children to church.
Going to church is one of the most significant ways to visibly show your children your faith. If you are excited about church and you talk all week about going there, your children will come to see churchgoing as part of their life as well. You are the leader of your family, and your faith will shape the religious thinking of your children. As you model your Christian faith while taking your family to church, your children will receive a portion of the training they need to understand what it means to have a relationship with Jesus Christ.
4. Invest in your children’s future.
“How time flies!” is an expression that especially holds true when it comes to your children. Why, it was only yesterday that you were holding them in your arms…and now they are finishing high school! You want them to be prepared for the future and that usually means further education, whether it’s vocational training or going through college. That means you need to start preparing for their future now, because…time flies! Just as you have invested in their spiritual future, now it’s time to invest in their mental and physical future.
Education is expensive, and the costs can seem overwhelming. Many fathers give up and hope their children can get student loans, and that’s a good resource. But if at all possible, don’t saddle your kids with a debt they’ll be paying for many years to come. Why not do your children a favor and give them a fighting chance at further education by “socking” a little money away each week or each month until it’s time for the training that’s needed after high school? Whatever you can do will be much appreciated. One day your children will rise up and called you blessed.
5. Develop father-child traditions.
It’s funny what your children remember from their childhood. You quiz them about the past, and they can’t remember the things that you thought were highlights, like their birthdays or even gifts that you thought were special. What they really remember are those special traditions that you established, like your annual backpacking trip with your boys, or those monthly “date nights” with your girls. Develop these kind of traditions with your children and you will have no trouble talking with them. Why? Because you will have created an environment that will make them comfortable in baring their souls to you. And all you have to do is give them your time…and, of course, a listening ear.