If it is possible, as much as depends on you,
live peaceably with all men.
ROMANS 12:18
My father-in-law, Henry, was a great guy. He was born in a dug-out cabin in West Texas at the turn of the century. He worked his way through college in the days when most people weren’t even graduating from grade school. Working his entire life as an underpaid school-teacher in Oklahoma, Henry probably never made more than $20,000 per year. Yet incredibly enough, he put four children through college. Yes, Henry was quite a man.
But in the winter of his life, Henry developed several kinds of cancer. All of Henry’s children wanted him to come live with them, but being a homebody, Henry chose to stay close to home and eventually went into a nursing home in his longtime hometown. Two of Elizabeth’s brothers lived fairly close by so they could stay with their dad on the weekends. But the weekdays were a problem. It was after much prayer that Elizabeth and I determined that her father shouldn’t be alone during the week.
So we agreed that Elizabeth would fly from Los Angeles to Tulsa, Oklahoma, every Monday morning, and then fly back to our home in California on Thursday evenings or Friday mornings. Little did we know that this weekly visit—and Henry’s life—would last for almost an entire year as Henry’s health slowly but steadily declined. Obviously, this was a season in our lives when Elizabeth was free to be with her dad. Our girls were married, our nest was empty, and I supported her in her care of her father.
I am relating this story because it provides a perfect illustration of what it means to “honor your parents” and the strain that is often involved in loving your extended family.
I’m sure you have noticed by now that all the topics we have been addressing in this book really matter in your marriage! And just like the other issues we’ve discussed thus far, this issue of extended family—parents, siblings, and in-laws—can be a source of friction and conflict in a marriage. You may have the greatest parents and the greatest in-laws in the world. If so, be sure to thank the Lord daily for your family, because there are a lot of men who don’t have good relationships with one or both sets of parents, not to mention their siblings and siblings-in-law!
As we consider what it means to extend our love to family members, I want us to look at one man who did have a good relationship with his in-laws so we can see how we can make the best of this area of our life and our marriage.
It is estimated that there are as many as 30,000 promises in the Bible. Many of them, to be sure, are specific promises to specific people or specific groups of people, such as the nation of Israel. But there is one particular promise from God that is for all people for all time—a promise given as part of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land” (Exodus 20:12). The apostle Paul called this “the first commandment with promise” (Ephesians 6:2).
God promises (and God cannot lie—Titus 1:2) that if we honor and respect our parents, He will bless us. And I believe that once we marry, this promise applies to both sets of parents—yours and your wife’s. Now I must quickly say that we should honor our parents for the Lord’s sake, not just to receive blessings. But it’s nice to have God’s special blessings as a result of our obedience. Do you desire God’s blessings on your life and marriage? I know you do…and so do I! Well, the promise “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6:3) is ours…if we will honor our parents.
The Law Lived Out
Exactly how do we honor our parents?
As I thought about this question, I thought of Moses. He is one of the greatest men in the Bible—a real man’s man. Moses was asked by God to lead a nation of over two million people. He talked face to face with God. He received the Ten Commandments…and on and on his list of privileges goes. But Moses also gave us a great model of how we should extend love to our family. And by family, I mean our extended family. So, as we search for the answer(s) in the verses below, remember that Jethro was Moses’ father-in-law. Also remember that I am using parents and in-laws interchangeably as we look at what I believe God would ask of us in loving our family, including our in-laws!
Show humility toward your parents—At one point in my married life I entertained the idea of working for my dad, who owned a farm equipment dealership in Oklahoma. Looking back now at that option, it is good that it didn’t work out and that our family stayed in California. But working for your parents or in-laws can be a challenge for you, and it can be a strain on your marriage.
Moses, you will remember, married Jethro’s daughter and came into the family business of shepherding. After 40 years of serving his father-in-law, God met Moses at a burning bush (Exodus 3:2) and asked him to make a career change (Exodus 3:10). Notice the humility in Moses as he makes his request to leave his father-in-law: “Please let me go and return to my brethren who are in Egypt, and see whether they are still alive” (Exodus 4:18).
The lesson that Moses teaches us here is that courtesy toward our family, whether we work for them or not, is not to be overlooked. Just because we desire to leave their employment or vicinity or we have an important decision to make doesn’t mean we can treat parents or in-laws with disrespect. Even with a “divine call” from God, Moses, at close to 80 years old, still came to Jethro with a humble heart and a servant attitude. Moses gave his reasons, not telling of his intentions to leave, but asking for permission to leave.
Humility sometimes comes hard for men. But by God’s grace, you and I can follow Moses’ example. And we would do well to follow it, whether it has to do with our parents, or our wife and children, or making requests from our boss at work. Moses teaches us how to have a humble attitude: give your reasons, and ask…not tell.
Honor your parents—Moving along in the story about Moses and his in-laws, we come next to a time after God’s people made the exodus out of Egypt. Jethro had decided it was time to bring Moses’ wife and her children to meet up with their husband and father. Notice how the great leader of a nation of two-million-plus people greets his father-in-law: “Moses went out to meet his father-in-law, bowed down, and kissed him” (Exodus 18:7). Admittedly, some of Moses’ actions depict the cultural traditions of his day, but his example is quickly validated for us today through the Ten Commandments when we read the fifth one, which charges us to “honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12).
Christian man, how are you doing at honoring your parents and your wife’s parents? This command is not an option or a suggestion. No, it is a command shot straight from the heart of God. How can we show honor to our parents? Read on as Moses shows us how he honored his father-in-law.
Communicate with your parents—After Moses honored Jethro, we see him ask questions about the welfare of his father-in-law. The Bible reports, “They asked each other about their well-being, and they went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). In other words, Moses was interested in Jethro and communicated it. What is your interest level in your parents and in-laws? Do you care at all? Do you communicate your concern for them, their interests, and their health? Do you personally call or write? Or do you delegate any and all communication with all parents to your wife? Are you so busy doing your own thing that you don’t even think about your parents, and never think to communicate with them?
God says that we as men after His own heart should honor our parents and parents-in-law. We honor our parents by thinking of them, praying for them, and communicating with them as often as we can. And when we show such honor, God will bless us.
How does He bless us, you might ask?
We are blessed with the wisdom of life experiences. My wife’s father, Henry, lived a long time, and I was privileged to sit at his feet and learn from the lessons he learned during his long life.
We are blessed by the friendship of our parents and parents-in-law. Henry, as he wanted to be called, was not only my father-in-law, but also a good friend.
We are blessed with the love our parents show to their grandchildren. What a joy it was to take our children back to Oklahoma and have Elizabeth’s parents dote over the girls.
All of this is possible, my friend, when we stay in touch with our parents. And the principle of honoring our parents through communcation is especially important when you don’t live near your parents. Distance may separate, but communication unites.
Be friends with your parents—The next time you have a chance, read what happened after Moses and Jethro greeted each other and went into Moses’ tent (Exodus 18:8-12). But until then, let me give you the abbreviated version. These two men, related only by marriage, appeared to be the greatest of friends as Moses described to his father-in-law the exodus of God’s people and the defeat of Pharaoh’s army. In turn, Jethro praised God for the miraculous deliverance of the Israelites from bondage. What a scene that must have been as these two men—a father- and son-in-law—spent time with each other, time that focused upon rejoicing in God together. How close are you to your parents? Do you share with your parents what’s happening in your life? A phone call once in a while would be nice, but spending time with your parents in person will take your relationship with them to a deeper level.
Listen to your parents—Another way you and I can honor our parents is to ask for and listen to their advice. Whether they are Christians or not, they have a perspective—based on experience—that many times can be helpful. Look at Moses’ example again. On the next day after Moses and Jethro had met and spent time together, Moses went to his work as a judge and listened all day long to the people. Then Jethro, who had watched his son-in-law the entire day, made this observation:
The thing that you do is not good. Both you and these people who are with you will surely wear yourselves out. For this thing is too much for you; you are not able to perform it by yourself. Listen now to my voice; I will give you counsel (Exodus 18:17-19).
How would you respond (or should I say react?) to someone—especially a father-in-law—trying to tell you how to run your business or ministry? “Didn’t I start this company and build it from the ground up?” Or, in Moses’ case, “Wait a minute! Which one of us was commissioned by God to lead this company of people? If I need your advice, I’ll ask for it. Otherwise, mind your own business!” These are the kinds of responses we sometimes have (or at least think in our minds) when someone tries to give us unsolicited advice.
How did Moses respond to his father-in-law’s advice? He listened. And then Moses went one step further and “heeded the voice of his father-in-law and did all that he had said” (verse 24). Moses carried out Jethro’s advice to the letter! Now I ask you: How are you at listening to the advice, both solicited and unsolicited, of your parents and in-laws? Moses was not too proud to take the advice of another. Perhaps he was able to receive Jethro’s advice in a positive way because they had such a good relationship. Their strong friendship probably made it easier for Moses to accept Jethro’s advice.
Don’t you see what a great resource God can offer you through your parents and in-laws? Like Jethro and my father-in-law Henry, they have so much to offer! The wisdom gained by honoring, listening to, and heeding their advice might in some way even prolong your life, as the fifth commandment states: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land” (Exodus 20:12).
In-laws…or Out-laws?
What a great example God gives us of a healthy family relationship in Moses and his father-in-law! Everyone benefitted from their bond. But what about the relationship that isn’t ideal? What are some things that hinder or impede a solid friendship between you and your parents and in-laws? As we look at the following possible hindrances, realize that few, if any, of these impediments are insurmountable barriers to a healthier association with your family members. I know I have been guilty of using some of these hindrances as excuses rather than seeing them as opportunities for God to work in me and my family.
Distance—When my wife was growing up, her grand parents lived 30 miles away. Once a year her parents took her and her brothers to see the grandparents. Unfortunately, Elizabeth has no memories of the grandparents coming to see her parents and her brothers. As a result, Elizabeth never really knew her grandparents. Thirty miles away and yet they were complete strangers! Distance is not always measured in miles. Sometimes it’s measured in importance.
Absence—Distance can be a legitimate reason for absence. But I confess that even when I lived in the same town as my parents, I rarely went to see them. I would always excuse myself with pious explanations like, “I’m busy doing the Lord’s work.” Or, “They know that I love them even though I don’t get around to seeing them.” Well, my friend, I was failing to honor my parents. What excuse are you using for your absence?
Selfishness—Relationships take time. For most of us, time is something we think we don’t have. But there is always enough time to do what we want to do…and need to do. We manage to find time to travel, dabble with hobbies, watch the national average of 6.4 hours of television per day, and a myriad of others things. Why? Because we want to do them. We selfishly fail to follow the advice of the apostle Paul: “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4). Let’s find ways to look out for the interests of our parents. God says it is important to honor our parents, and we should see it as important, too.
Manipulation—I have loved studying the relationship that Moses had with his father-in-law. Moses seemed to be the perfect son-in-law—he was polite, respectful, eager to take advice, etc., etc. But Jethro was a pretty good father-in-law himself. Scripture seems to indicate that Jethro came to see Moses for the purpose of bringing Moses’ family back. When his mission was completed, Jethro “went his way to his own land” (Exodus 18:27). Jethro came, gave advice, and left. He didn’t try to control or manipulate the family in any way.
Now, how about your marriage and the parental relationships on both sides? Some parents become pretty slick at plying manipulation. Perhaps you want to honor your parents and you want to be with them…but because of their constant demands, you find yourself resisting and avoiding them. Clearly you and your wife need to recognize what is happening in your relationships with your parents and agree on how to handle it. And, depending on whose parents are causing the problem, you or your wife may need to talk to that set of parents. But, no matter what happens, you still need to honor and respect them.
And one last thought: Maybe all of their scheming is a sign that you are not visiting with them as much as you should. In many cases your parents are just wanting to see you, their kids, and those beautiful grandchildren!
How’s Your Heart?
Isn’t the study of the relationship between Moses and Jethro a refreshing model for us as men to follow in extending love to our family? Their friendship gives you and me great principles about how to live out God’s command to honor our parents on both sides and extend His love to them.
It’s sad to have to say that most family relationships are not what God desires them to be. Many times we do things that hurt our parents or family members. And, at other times, one of them does something to hurt us. That’s often the way it is in a family. And that’s also the way alienation begins. I recently heard of a mother and daughter who hadn’t spoken to each other in over 30 years. What a loss for those two family members! And compounding this tragic sin were the many grandchildren who had never seen their grandmother, not to mention a grandmother who had never seen her grandchildren. Again, what a loss!
Dear friend, don’t let this happen in your marriage. You can’t change another family member’s heart toward you, but you can surely change yours. Ask God to warm your heart toward your family members. Take Paul’s advice to heart: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18). And remember, “all men” includes your family and in-laws! Then go the next step and make things right between you. Maybe God has been working in their heart, too!
No one is perfect…so accept the fact! No matter what is going on in your family relationships, you can be the mature one who chooses to have a heart of forgiveness. You can be the one who prays for your loved ones. You can be the one who reaches out and makes an effort to have God’s kind of relationship. And don’t forget, you can draw upon the resources of prayer, the Bible, and the power and fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). By God’s grace, you can extend love to your family!
1. Pray for your parents.
By now your office desk is getting a little cluttered with pictures, but one more won’t make a big difference. So put a picture of your parents—and even your wife’s parents—on your desk. Again, as you see their pictures, pray for them. Pray for their salvation, if they’re not believers. Pray for their health. Pray for other needs they may have. Pray for a good relationship with them as family. Pray for their role as grandparents to your children. And pray for more ways to love and honor them. The point is to find prompts, like pictures, that will help you to think about your parents, and thinking should always lead to praying for them.
2. Stay in touch.
In addition to thinking about and praying for your parents, you should pick up the phone and call them often. Ask how they are doing and how you can pray for them. Also let them know that you are praying for them. Stay in touch by sending postcards while you are on business trips. Send postcards while on your family vacation. The postcards will do two things. First, they will let your parents and in-laws know you are thinking about them. But also, they will keep them up to date on what’s going on in your lives. I’m sure it’s hard for you to keep up with your own schedule, let alone keep your family up on the latest news. Postcards are a quick way to serve both purposes.
3. Visit your parents.
Each generation of parents has viewed travel differently. So don’t wait for your parents to come to you. Instead, go to your parents (with their permission and prior arrangements, of course! No surprise visits!). It’s not that they don’t love you or don’t want to see you and the grandchildren. It’s just that they view travel, especially air travel, differently than most of their children. Therefore, plan for trips to visit your parents. If a trip means saving money for weeks or months, then start saving. You honor your parents by visiting them. And through visits, your children can develop meaningful relationships with their grandparents. Your efforts, the memories created, and the friendships built will be worth every penny!
4. Seek parental advice.
The Bible says you and your wife are to leave your parents and cleave to each other when you marry. That means you are to start your own household. It also means you become 100 percent responsible for your own family and the decisions you make. But that doesn’t mean that your parents and in-laws don’t have some words of wisdom to contribute to the decision-making process. They will feel honored when you seek their advice…and you will become much wiser.
5. Don’t delegate “parents” to your wife.
It’s so easy to delegate any and all of your involvement with your parents and hers to your wife. After all, you’re a very busy man! So you assign your wife to write the notes, create the plans, and make all the phone calls. Besides, both sets of parents think the world of your wife. But as much as they like her, you are still their son and son-in-law, and your contact with them will truly speak volumes concerning your love and interest toward them. You put important business contacts in your notebook for continued follow-up, so why not have all your parents’ phone numbers and addresses handy so that wherever you are, you can personally call or write? Some people in your life are too important to delegate all their care to others. Your parents—and your in-laws—should be at the top of your list!
6. Send lots of pictures.
Think a minute about your poor parents. You don’t want them to be shocked about how much growth has passed by the next time they see you and/or your children, do you? Then make sure you send a steady stream of pictures their way. Chronicle in print the adventures you and your wife go on, the home improvements you are making, the new car you finally purchased, and the children’s growth and activities. Commemorate your vacations by developing three sets of your photos, and send a set to each of your parents. Photos tell your parents and in-laws you are thinking of them and allow them to be with you at least in spirit, if not in person. From your parents’ perspectives, no price can be put on a photo of you and your wife and family. Remember, one picture is worth a thousand words…and you know how you hate to write!