I press my ear to the door. He always has it locked now so I can’t interfere, can’t sneak up on him to see what he’s doing on his precious computer. I can’t hear anything. It’s the soundproofing he’s used – a better quality than what he’d had before. I rarely even think of him being here, in my house – hidden away in the basement. It’s not even a proper basement – Tom worked on it until it was how he wanted it. Or needed it, as he said, back when we first moved in.
I’d hoped for something different in this new house. A fresh start for both of us. He didn’t waste any time though, getting straight back into gaming, building up his network. It was true, what I told Connie. That I’d taken his door off, tried to encourage him to get out and meet people in real life; to get a job. He’d been to college, completing a computer course, then wallowed in the house, not attempting to find work. But that was then, back in the old house in Coleton. Here in Totnes, I’ve not mentioned it. I’ve given him space, done everything he asked of me. For a quiet life.
That quiet life is about to be blown wide open, it’s going to become noisy and unbearable again. I can feel it in my gut. He’s done another bad thing.
And I have a nasty suspicion I’ve helped him.
I tiptoe away from the understairs door leading to the basement. I don’t know why – it’s not like he could possibly hear me loitering. I seem to have grown accustomed to the fear, acting in a way that minimises the likelihood of him being angry with me. Hitting me like he did a couple of weeks ago. It had been difficult hiding the bruises from Connie, and from my group.
My group.
I make the sign of the cross on my chest. Can I claw it back? Somehow carry on being the leader of the support group? What will they be saying? I’m guessing at least one of them will have seen the news about Alice, and now know I’m not her. Not who I said I was. My stomach twists with pain – a deep anguish. I need to sit down.
The laptop on the table has been untouched for days. I feel sick with nerves even considering opening it, clicking on the icon that will take me to the forum where everyone will be writing about their shock, disappointment. Betrayal. I’ve let everyone down. What must Connie think? I’m tempted to call her, have a session to discuss everything, explain why I did it. She could still help me.
There are two reasons why I can’t chance talking to her, though. One – she won’t trust me and she’ll be angry that I deceived her. And two – the most important – is that she could find out about Tom.
I must protect him. If it comes out now – what he did, what he might’ve done again – he’ll be taken away from me.
He’s my son. A mother should protect her children no matter what, shouldn’t they? I know I failed him early on. My conscience will never be clear of that knowledge. What his father did; what I allowed to happen. I didn’t keep him safe then, so now I must. It’s my duty.
I think I can still right his wrongs. I can’t bring Sean Taylor back, but I can help his mother, Deborah. My plan can still go ahead without Alice. I can’t believe I came so close to speaking with her, but bottled it at the last moment. Standing outside her house, hanging around where she worked – yet when the time came, I wasn’t brave enough. Each time I saw her, I thought: ‘Next time I’ll talk to her’. It was the fear holding me back. In my head I knew what I was doing, how it would play out – but, in reality, what was I going to say to Alice? How could I have got her onside without telling her who I was, that my son had been with hers, had killed Sean Taylor, too? I would’ve compromised Tom. It was my ultimate goal that had kept me trying. Now though, what makes me think I’ll be able to face Deborah without an ally? The whole point was to befriend Alice first, then go to Sean’s mum, together. We’d have helped her, somehow. Made up for what our sons did.
But I can still put it right. I will make amends. God will give me the extra strength I need. I look up to Heaven.
‘Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.’
But first, I need to find out what Tom has done with Isabella.