Ryan blinked his eyes open. Not his own shabby bedroom, but one he remembered. An elegant room, dominated by a striking bay window with elegant wooden shutters.
As his gaze drifted down, he saw a cascade of red silk hair across a pristine white pillow. Pale cream skin. The curve of a shoulder. The smooth warmth of one of her breasts, cupped in his left hand.
His heart jumped, then settled in his chest. Why had Sam invited him over last night? Because she wanted company, because she wanted sex. Because she wanted him?
It hadn’t mattered. When the offer had come, he hadn’t needed to think twice. He’d walked away from her and Alice feeling like a thug. Worse, like his dad. But then Sam had phoned. And though they hadn’t done any talking, the way she’d kissed him, the way she’d touched him, let him touch her, suggested maybe his thuggery had been forgiven.
He leant across and kissed her shoulder. When she murmured sleepily back at him, he kissed her again. This time on the back of her neck.
She turned and smiled up at him. And his heart went into freefall. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey yourself.’
He drank her in. The huge blue eyes, wide, sexy mouth. He was falling for her, fast and hard, and there was nothing he could do about it but cling on for as long as he could.
A frown appeared between her eyes and she reached to trace her fingers across his face, along his jaw. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘I’m in your bed. Everything is about as good as it can get.’ He swallowed, then said what was on his mind. ‘I didn’t think I would be again. Especially after last night.’
‘What do you mean, especially after last night?’ Her eyes roved over his face and he found he couldn’t hold her gaze. ‘God, Ryan, what’s going on in that head of yours?’ When he didn’t reply, she let out a strangled groan. ‘I was right. You thought I just wanted you for sex.’
What? ‘No. I mean I hoped, yes, but that’s not what I’m talking about.’ Had he got this wrong? Was she really not upset by what she’d seen?
He watched as understanding bloomed in her eyes. ‘We’re back to me thinking you’re a bully, aren’t we? That I’m horrified at the way you manhandled Alice’s ex?’ Once again he found he couldn’t meet her eyes. Instead he lowered them to her mouth, holding his breath as she planted a soft kiss on his lips. ‘I don’t and I’m not, okay? I’d never seen two men fight close up and I didn’t like it.’ When he flinched, she added quietly. ‘But you weren’t the aggressor, he was. And I wasn’t frightened of you. I was frightened for you. At times it looked like you were a different person. That your head was somewhere else.’
His stomach clenched. Stupid to think she hadn’t noticed. ‘I guess that’s fair.’
‘Where were you?’ she asked softly.
He glanced away again. ‘It’s what I always wanted to do to my dad. If I’d been big enough.’
He heard her sharp intake of breath. ‘You said once that he was a bully. Did he hurt you? Hurt your mum?’
‘Me, no. Mum … you don’t have to hit someone to hurt them.’ His eyes snared hers, brimming with clearly still painful memories. ‘There’s a reason she turned to drink.’
Compassion was etched on her face. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘What are you sorry for, Sunshine Sam? You aren’t responsible for him being a git.’
‘And you’re nothing like him,’ she shot back. ‘You looked out for Alice, both in Cornwall and last night.’ Her eyes turned soft as her hands captured his face. ‘Not bad for a guy who claims he’s not good with people.’
‘I’m not.’ He caught her hand and laid it on his chest, over his heart. ‘You’re making me better at it.’
Her eyes glistened and she shook her head. ‘Don’t say things like that to me.’
‘Why not? It’s the truth.’
Her gaze searched his. ‘Who are you, Ryan Black?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Are you the grouchy guy who just wants to be left alone, or the sweet guy who looks after people like you did with me in Cornwall, and Alice last night? The guy who melted my heart just now with that comment?’
He shrugged awkwardly. Truth was, he didn’t know. He wanted to be the latter, but for too many years he’d been the former. ‘I’m not known for melting hearts. As for being sweet? Christ.’ He shook his head. ‘Not even my mum would call me that.’
‘And yet I suspect you’re very sweet to her.’
He thought of the rows they’d had over the years, the way he’d shouted at her about the drinking. ‘Don’t go imagining I’m something I’m not,’ he replied roughly. ‘I’ve done plenty I’m not proud of.’
She didn’t reply straightaway. Instead she plumped up the pillows behind her and settled back against them. ‘Tell me about thirteen-year-old Ryan Black. What was he like?’
He had a feeling his eyes were bugging out of his head. ‘Do we have to do this?’
She sighed gently, a resigned sort of sound, as if she’d been expecting his response. Then suddenly she jumped out of bed, giving him a quick yet incredible view of her naked body as she raced to snatch a framed photo from the large oak chest of drawers before diving back under the duvet. ‘Here.’ She pushed the photo into his hands, pointing to the girl in the middle. ‘This is twelve-year-old me.’
Gazing down at the photo he saw a grinning girl with red hair in pigtails, braces on her teeth, surrounded by what he guessed were her parents and her siblings.
‘I looked pretty gross, right? I hated those braces.’
‘Yet you’ve still got that killer smile going on.’
She shrugged. ‘I learnt to pretend they weren’t there. I wasn’t going to let them stop me enjoying myself.’
What an attitude. And it worked. He could see the happiness on her face. The love that shone from her face and her parents’ as they stood with their arms around their children.
His attitude had been totally opposite, he realised grimly. He’d given in, let others stop him from enjoying life.
Sam gave him a nudge. ‘Come on. What were you like? You told my parents you were a geek, yet I have this image of teenage Ryan strutting around town in a gang, attracting all the girls with his brooding looks.’ She tilted her head, studying him. ‘Which were you?’
Ryan tried to keep the smile on his face. Tried not to let his mind wander too much into the past. ‘Both.’ He let out a long, slow breath, knowing that if he was going to convince Sam he had more to offer than sex, he had to open up to her. ‘Mum being an alcoholic’ – he sucked in a breath, then decided to get the words out there quickly, before he lost his nerve – ‘it made going out hard. I’d plan to meet up with my mates, and yeah, sometimes with girls, then go home and …’ find his mum drunk and incapable of looking after Erin. He rubbed a hand down his face. ‘Find I couldn’t go out, after all. After a while I let people down so much they stopped asking.’
Sam’s heart went into freefall. She’d posed the question for a bit of fun, to lighten the mood after the heavy conversation about last night’s altercation with Shaun. Stupidly she’d not thought it through. Not taken the information he’d given earlier, about his mum drinking, and made the connection to how tough that had to be on her teenage son. It was no wonder he’d turned into a bit of a loner.
Her heart hurting for him, Sam shifted to kiss him. And kiss him again. ‘You don’t want to talk about this, do you?’
His laugh had a desperate edge to it. ‘Not if I don’t have to, no.’
‘Then how about we go out somewhere for breakfast? Take a walk around a park, or along the Thames?’
The eyes that met hers were dark and intense. ‘What are we doing, Sam? You told me a relationship with you wasn’t on the table, yet now you’re talking about spending the day together?’ His mouth curved slightly. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for it. I just want to know where I stand. Am I an occasional sex buddy when you’re in the mood? Or are we something more?’
She swallowed the lump in her throat. ‘What do you want us to be?’
He placed a hand on her chin, smoothing his thumb gently across her lips. ‘I want as much of you as I can get.’
Her heart shifted, wanting that too. As much of him as he was willing to give. But she couldn’t give him all of her – the thought of losing herself all over again, like she had with Damien, was too terrifying. So she couldn’t expect all of him back.
Would that be enough, for either of them?
‘I want to try,’ she whispered. ‘But I’m scared to make another mistake. Can we go slowly? Keep it to ourselves?’
His eyes flicked away from hers. ‘You want me to be your dirty little secret?’
Ouch. He made it sound so sordid, when she was thinking of sexy looks at the coffee machine when nobody was watching. Of whispered words, and the thrill of knowing no matter how serious the work got, she had him, had them, to look forward to when she climbed the stairs to her apartment. ‘That’s not fair.’ She grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to look at her. ‘You know how much Damien hurt me, and not just my heart. My pride and my confidence both took a battering. For a long while I didn’t even want to date again, never mind date someone I worked with.’ Feeling horribly unbalanced, she sucked in a ragged breath, not above pleading with him. ‘Please understand where I’m coming from. I like you, Ryan. Really, really like you. I’ve tried to ignore what’s happening between us and look where it’s got me. Naked and in bed with you.’ She tried to smile, but her mouth wasn’t working properly. It was too bogged down with emotion, like the rest of her.
‘You don’t see me complaining.’
‘No, but I do see you hurt because right now I can’t give you more.’
His expression was too guarded for her to read. ‘If I’ve got this right, you just offered me more. As long as we keep it quiet.’
‘Yes. If you’re willing.’ Her heart seemed to falter as she waited for him to reply.
His eyes drifted over her face before settling on hers. ‘It’s not what I want. No point pretending otherwise. And I’m not a fan of lying.’
Of course he wasn’t. How could she have been so stupid? She’d just asked Mr Painfully Honest to lie for her. Any second now he was going to shoot her down, and then what was going to do? Could she really give him up? Then again, could she survive another traumatic public break up?
‘But I told you earlier’ – his gruff voice cut through her panicked thoughts – ‘I’d take as much as I can get.’ Her heart began to pick up pace, understanding what he meant before her brain could work it out. And then all she could feel was the press of his mouth on hers. The strength of his arm as it slid around her shoulders, pulling her against him. ‘Yes, Sunshine Sam,’ he whispered in between kisses. ‘I’ll be your dirty little secret.’
‘It’s not like that—’
He cut off her protest with another searing kiss.
In the end, she dragged him off to Kew. Dragged wasn’t the right word, because he went willingly enough, though he made it clear it wasn’t his first choice of venue.
‘You’re taking me to a glorified garden centre?’ he complained as they walked up to the entrance. ‘What happened to the walk in the park?’ Then he spotted the price. ‘Bloody hell. What are these plants? Rare species from Mars? Diamond-encrusted?’
She reached for his hand, loving the way his fingers immediately curled around hers. Warm, intimate. ‘Come on, my treat.’
He stopped abruptly, his face back to the stubborn lines she was so familiar with. ‘That’s not how this works.’
Instead of locking horns, she decided to go for the subtler approach. Reaching up on her toes, she kissed him on the mouth. ‘This’ – she waved her hand between them – ‘works how we agree it does. My choice, I pay. Your choice, you pay.’
He seemed to consider it for few moments before giving her a slow smile. ‘And if my choice is we always stay in bed all day?’
She laughed, pushing him towards the ticket booth. ‘If I’m enjoying it, you won’t get an argument out of me.’
‘That’ll be the first time,’ he muttered under his breath, but when she turned to him and asked him to repeat what he’d said, he gave her a dazzling smile. ‘Hurry up, Sunshine. Those plants aren’t going to wait all day.’
He had a playful side, she found out, as he yelped in mock pain after putting his finger inside the Venus Fly Trap, making the little girl who’d been watching him giggle.
And a tender side as he held her hand as they walked along the treetop walkway.
Yet still there were times, when he thought she wasn’t watching, that she caught a pensive look on his face. Brooding, almost sad. It was those times she realised that while she felt closer to him than she ever had, she was a long way from knowing what he was really thinking.
But then he’d surprise her by kissing the top of head or squeezing her hand, and she reassured herself whatever it was on his mind, he was happy to be with her.
For now, at least.