Andrea was characteristically unhelpful for the remainder of the day’s session. In her defence, I really do think she was trying, but for someone in her position, she seemed to be rather unfamiliar with the concept of survivor’s guilt.
“But you saved so many?” she implored.
“But so many more died,” Dwayne replied, his voice shaking with each word.
“Is that your fault, Dwayne?” Andrea asked.
“Not first-hand ... but is it fairer that they died and I survived?” Dwayne asked defensively.
I saw the pain in his eyes. I felt it in the way his voice shook. I saw how much he desperately wanted the questioning to stop, if only for a few minutes. Did I handle what happened next the best way? Probably not. But in that moment, did I feel it was necessary? Absolutely.
I vividly remember a moment in fifth grade when Maria, one of my best friends at the time, went through a particularly messy “breakup”. After a public screaming match on the playground, she ran to our compulsory music class with tears streaming down her face. She sat with her head down on the desk, crying so loudly that it drowned out the class’s tinny recorder renditions of “Hot Cross Buns”. Listening to her cry broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to pull her out of that room and away from all the stares. So, I did exactly that. While everyone else split up into groups, we escaped through the front door of the demountable and hid under the metal stairs, chatting and laughing until the end of class. Unfortunately, we were busted on the way back into the classroom to retrieve our bags and found ourselves in what would be my first and last lunchtime detention. I have strong morals – I pride myself on doing the right thing, but when I see someone hurting, all those ideals go out the window and this innate need to help takes over. This need is what found me replacing our names on the detention list with the name of our teacher just to see my severely wounded friend smile once again. This might have been the first time that I found myself in this position but it would certainly not be the last.
We had just a ten-minute break in a five-hour day – hardly enough time to go to the bathroom let alone get anything to eat. Most of us just sat in the room, making small talk and eating what we could off the small snack table. So, when Andrea signalled the break, I jumped straight up, dodging Harry who had been trying to grab my attention from the other side of the circle. I ran down the hallway toward the bathroom.
I opened the bathroom door, checked to make sure no one was in the stalls, and reached up to the red box above the hand dryer – the fire alarm. I took a deep breath and pulled down on its handle. Nothing happened at first, but I remembered reading somewhere that there is often a couple of seconds delay with these things, so I quickly ran out of the bathroom and back to the therapy room just as the alarm began to ring out.
By the time I entered the room, everyone was in full-blown panic mode.
“What the hell is going on?” asked Harry who seemed to be looking directly at me.
I had to give it to Andrea – in a room full of manic psychological cases, she stayed completely composed. Her hair was ruffled and her glasses were askew, presumably from the shock of hearing the alarm go off.
“Fire alarms have been activated,” said Andrea calmly. “We need to leave the building. Everyone head to Exit C, and we will reconvene there.” She pointed to an emergency exit map on the wall, then grabbed her notes, straightened her glasses and walked past me through the open door.
I didn’t want to say anything that might incriminate myself, so I just shrugged at Harry and muttered, “I guess there’s a fire.” I quickly grabbed my bag off the floor and walked out of the room ahead of him, hoping that he couldn’t see the ever-growing smile on my face.
The fire department was already there by the time we arrived at the meeting point in the park near the library. The sirens drained out the ringing of the fire alarms and had managed to attract a swarm of onlookers. Dwayne looked shell-shocked. Admittedly, setting off a fire alarm may not have been the best way to get an ex-firefighter with a serious case of PTSD to relax, but in that moment, it was the absolute best that I could come up with.
It didn’t take long for the firefighters to declare that it was a false alarm and allow the library to reopen for the remainder of the day. By this point, however, it was nearing 1:30pm and Andrea, whose glasses were once again uneven and hair was reminiscent of Albert Einstein, had clearly had enough.
“Well ... that was enough chaos for one day,” said Andrea. “I think we can call it a day. I will see you all tomorrow.” She shuffled off away from the group and toward the library’s entrance.
I watched as Dwayne exhaled, his look of relief growing. He strode over to the group of firefighters who were packing up their equipment nearby. He greeted them, and they all cheered and laughed together. His entire body lightened around them, like the weight of the day was lifted. He seemed to be more himself than he had been inside that room. I would hazard a guess that he was acting more like himself than he had been in twenty years. It couldn’t have been more obvious that he was where he was meant to be.
They say there’s no such thing as a selfless good deed, and maybe that’s true because, watching Dwayne, I couldn’t help but smile.
“So, are you avoiding me?” Harry said behind me, making me jump out of my own thoughts and, literally, jump on the spot. I turned around to see his smiling face, his bright eyes.
“If I wanted to avoid you, you would never see me again.” I waved my hands in front of my face like a magician. “It’s just been a weird day, I guess,” I finished, suddenly feeling stupid.
“It has been indeed,” he responded. “So, why’d you set off the alarm?
“What?” I snapped, in a way that no innocent person ever would. I had intended to play the role of the innocent until proven guilty – girl who was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. That was until he smiled at me – it was a soft but devilish smile, which made me feel, almost, like he was proud of what he believed I’d done. I don’t know why I was surprised. The guy was obviously some crazy delinquent who got off on chaos, but still, you don’t expect support when you act on one of the craziest decisions of your life – it threw me off guard.
“How did you know?” I replied.
Harry smiled again and shook his head at me slightly.
“You were not gone for long enough to pee, and you came back into the room like five seconds after the alarm went off ... oh, and you have red paint flakes on your shoes from the fire alarm.” Harry pointed at my shoes and folded his hands behind his back like a smug investigator.
I wanted to be mad at him for how closely he watched me, but honestly, I was kind of impressed.
“You know what? That is impressive. And you call me the master detective.” I laughed.
“Thank you very much,” Harry responded with an over-exaggerated bow before adding that his examination may have been inspired by a love for crime shows. “So ... why?” he asked.
“Dwayne looked like he was about to have a full-blown mental breakdown in there, Andrea wasn’t helping, and I couldn’t watch it anymore. I’d seen the alarm a few days back. So, I thought I’d give it a shot,” I explained as if it wasn’t a completely ridiculous decision.
Harry smiled again, wider this time, and nodded his head.
“Well, I’m impressed – not only is that super-sweet, but it’s also ‘break-into-a-museum level crazy’, and I respect that.” He winked at me.
I shrugged, trying desperately to suppress the redness that threatened to spread across my face.
“I learnt from the best,” I replied.
Harry laughed an awkward laugh that faded quickly and then looked around, as if he was searching for the right words to say.
“Did you want to go get some lunch or something?” he asked awkwardly.
I didn’t want to let him down, and part of me really did want to have lunch with him and end up on another crazy adventure, but I needed to be alone. I felt a darkness spreading inside of me that threatened to take control if I didn’t just escape it all for a few moments.
“I really wish I could, but I can’t,” I said. “Today has been weird, and I need to get home and do some things ... I’m sorry.”
Harry looked defeated as the words left my mouth.
I didn’t know where this journey of self-discovery would lead me, but if I knew one thing, it was that this was something I needed to do alone. It was how I worked best – away from the pressure to be someone or something I was not, and just be solely me.
“Right ... that’s ok,” he said softly.
You know when you tell a puppy they will have a walk and no walk is delivered, they look at you like their whole world has ended? That was the exact look on Harry’s face.
“Maybe tomorrow?” I said, trying to bring his usual beautiful smile back to his face.
Harry gave me a small smile and nodded. “Yeah, tomorrow,” he whispered.