I was eighteen when I first, well ... did the thing Harry and I just did. It was in the backseat of a beat-up old Ford truck, and it was disappointing to say the least. Mostly because we were eighteen and hiding in a car, but also because I didn’t believe it was meant to feel exactly right unless you were with exactly the right person. It was two years and some heartbreak later that I tried with a different person. It didn’t feel right when he had my consent, and it certainly didn’t feel right when he didn’t. Not a single person – not the serious relationships or the one-night-stands in nightclub bathrooms – ever felt right. But with Harry, there was no awkwardness or fear of doing the wrong thing. We connected, and it was just right.
I don’t remember falling asleep with Harry, but I know I was the first to wake up. As the light bulb on the roof flickered, Harry draped his arm over my shoulder. I rolled over, burying my face into his chest as he began to stir. Harry groaned slightly.
“It’s a crazy time of the day to be sleeping, Lilly,” said Harry in a voice that was deeper than usual. He cleared his throat and whispered softly, “Hey, wake up.”
“There’s a lot of crazy going on today.” I laughed, raising my head up to look into his eyes, and placing a gentle kiss on his soft lips.
Sitting up on the dusty floor, I found my clothes in the corner and began restoring my body to its prior form. I laughed to myself – as if any part of me would ever be the same after that.
“I’m not sure putting those back on is completely necessary,” Harry joked with a cheeky smirk.
“You’ll get over it.” I laughed, winking at him and flicking his bare chest with my shirt.
After re-dressing, I took Harry upstairs to my apartment, and we sat together for a few hours, talking, cuddling and watching afternoon television like nothing had just happened. In his arms, I didn’t feel so broken. It felt like his strength was holding me together, and though it flew in the face of everything I believed in, it felt right in that moment.
“Uh, you should go,” I snapped after our third episode of Say Yes to the Dress had finished with a massive fight and the entire bridal party leaving the store.
“Wow, rude! Most people send a hint, but you are just straight to the point, aren’t you?” He laughed, sitting up on the couch.
I shuffled on the couch to face him. “I’m sorry, I would love for you to stay here, I swear. But ... my mother will be home soon, and I just can’t deal with that right now. This is super fun, and I like you, believe me, but it’s new, and I don’t need any more questions from her than I already get.”
“No, it’s fine ... I understand,” he whimpered, his voice cracking into a fake sob.
“Get out, you loser.” I laughed, pushing his chest playfully.
Harry wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me in for a kiss. Then he got up and walked toward the front door.
“Until we meet again, Lilly,” he said with an exaggerated bow before opening the door.
“Bye, Harry,” I responded sweetly. He walked out and closed the door behind him, leaving the world spinning around me.
I lay on the couch and stared at the ceiling for what felt like forever, smiling like a little kid and thinking about our time together. The television kept playing trashy lifestyle shows in the background, but I was too distracted to take any of it in. It was my phone that finally pulled me out of my daze. It buzzed once, and then again. Still lying down, I pulled it out of my pocket and brought the screen up to my face. There were two texts:
One from Harry: Don’t want to be creepy or anything, but I miss you already :’(
And one from my best friend Ella: Hey, Girly :D You free for dinner tonight?
Ella and I had been friends since grade school. She was now in her final weeks of post-graduate study, and for her, finding a minute to send a text was like finding a needle in a haystack, let alone finding a night off. This was the girl who had celebrated with me when I got my first period. She was my biggest supporter. I shared everything with her, telling her things before I even admitted them to myself. It suddenly occurred to me that she didn’t know about Harry or the support group I was going to. Yes, absolutely, I would make myself free for dinner.
I opened my texts and replied, Careful, Harold, you wouldn’t want to seem too keen :P
And, Absolutely! 7pm @ TGIFS? :D
*
At TGI Fridays, I sat in a booth waiting for Ella to arrive. She walked in, blonde hair a tangled mess and her handbag draped awkwardly over her shoulder. Ella was effortlessly pretty; she always had been. In any situation with Ella, no matter how good I looked or how smart I was, I was always the ugly dumb friend. But it didn’t matter. She never made me feel less. For as long as I can remember, Ella had been building me up, and during our darkest times, we had leaned on each other like a crutch. She was just a few weeks out from sitting the bar exams and was about to start a fascinating career, but here she was, the same as always – my person – the Christina Yang to my Meredith Grey.
Ella and I ordered the potato tasting extravaganza – a dish of our own creation that consisted of mashed potato, cheesy bacon potato skins, fries, tater tots and whatever else we could find that had potato in it. We had begun this tradition in the throes of a rather dramatic breakup – I couldn’t remember if it was mine or hers – but it had become the foundation for our girl’s night ever since.
Under the fading spotlight that hung above our booth, I told Ella about everything from the last week: the support group, explicit details about every single conversation, and about Harry.
“Ooooh Harry – hot name!” Ella began. “So, looks-wise, are we talking more Styles or Potter?” she questioned with a wink.
“Styles all the way, but he’s also smart, like super-smart. He is as smart as Harry Potter looks like he should be.” I laughed, pulling out my phone to show her one of our many photos.
“Ooooh, girl, you hooked a live one.” She laughed and mimed a fisherman pulling in his catch. “So where are we at? Have you reached the awkward “will they, won’t they” kiss stage yet? I hate that stage!”
It was amazing how well Ella knew me. She knew exactly what I was like by analysing all my past experiences, but Harry was different. I think Harry and I were always meant to be – from the first hello, there didn’t seem to be any doubt.
“Oh, we definitely did,” I responded.
“Kiss?” she yelled. She looked around before promptly turning back to await my answer.
“I mean, there was kissing involved, I guess.” I laughed, knowing that she would catch my hint.
“Oh, my god! Lilly, you dirty girl!” she yelled again, this time loud enough that a few people on nearby tables with children turned and glared in our direction.
“Oops.” I laughed.
I raised my hands to them, silently apologising for her outburst. But, in typical Ella fashion, she did not give a damn who heard and who was offended by it.
“So, what was he like?” she asked, poking me in the arm.
“I am absolutely not going to tell you that.” I laughed, shoving a potato skin in my mouth.
“Oh, come on! Do you realise how long it’s been since I’ve had sex? I’m too busy to even deal with it myself these days! You gotta give me something!” she replied, practically on the edge of her seat.
“You are sick – you know that, right?” I laughed.
Ella laughed with anticipation in her eyes and continued to poke my arm.
With a soft smile, I said the only words I had been thinking since that afternoon.
“It was ... perfect”.