Matt possessed an almost forgotten hunger. He couldn’t seem to kiss or touch Hope enough. Her scent addled his brain, and his thoughts—those that managed to develop at all—were focused strictly on making love. With trembling hands he began undressing her, and it was especially gratifying—and incredibly arousing—to feel her trying to rid him of his clothes, as well.
It came to him abruptly that the kitchen table really wasn’t the best place for this very special event. He didn’t just want a quickie, after all, he wanted it all, the kisses and foreplay that would drive them both wild.
Hope found herself being lifted off the table and up into his arms. “Wha—what’re you doing?”
He strode from the kitchen and headed down the hall. “Taking you to bed,” he said in a completely masculine voice, and he slowed his steps just enough to kiss her lips while he walked.
“Oh, Matt…Matt,” she said thickly, and pressed her face into the curve of his neck.
He entered his own bedroom and let her feet slide to the floor. But immediately he put his arms around her, kissed her passionately and lifted her again so their mouths were on the same level. His pulse went crazy when she wound her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. It was an extremely intimate thing for her to have done, and he knew that even though she couldn’t recall her past love life, she was a woman who liked, maybe loved, sex, and she also knew what a man liked. That, too, was a gratifying realization for Matt. If a man was going to fall off the wagon with a woman, far better that she be an experienced adult about the affair.
And, as he’d already told her, he would never be serious about a woman again. All this could ever be—as hot as it was between them—was an affair.
“Let’s get rid of these clothes,” he mumbled raggedly.
She nodded, whispered, “Yes.”
Undressing her brought back the memory of the first time he’d removed her clothes. Even then, though she’d been muddy, wet and bedraggled, he’d registered the perfection of her body. Any man would’ve, he told himself, and he was convinced it was true.
But he also recalled that his admiration had bothered him later on. This time he would suffer no guilty feelings over admiring a beautiful female body. Hope wasn’t merely going along with this, after all, she was eager, glassy-eyed and breathless with anticipation. Plus, she was anxiously tearing at his clothes, just as he was doing with hers.
In seconds their clothes were on the floor, and they stood there, naked and unashamed, looking at each other. Matt reached out his hand and slid his fingertips down from her shoulder to the rosy peak of one of her breasts.
“You’re very beautiful,” he said in a choked, husky voice.
An objection to that obviously untrue flattery flashed into her mind, but she let it rush on through and said instead, “You’re the one who’s beautiful, Matt.” She laid her hand on his chest, and when she raised her eyes to his again, he saw a mist of tears in them. “Kiss me,” she whispered.
The shackles of self-control were becoming very weak for Matt, and he growled deep in his throat, took her into an almost smothering embrace and brought them both down to the bed. His kisses covered her face, throat and breasts; hers fell willy-nilly on whatever part of him she could reach and still stay under him. She liked being under him, feeling every manly inch of his hard body against hers. Without even a hint from him that it was time she did so, she inched her legs apart, and he instantly began rubbing his hot, throbbing member against her most sensitive spot.
The shooting pleasure she felt from that particular delight was stunning, overwhelming, and it was becoming more difficult by the second to get enough air in her lungs. But that kind of pleasure, she quickly discovered, was also a demanding pleasure, because it wasn’t quite enough to satisfy the yearning in her belly.
She rocked her head back and forth on the pillow and moaned. “Matt—I need—I need—”
The degree of her desire was a joy for Matt. It was quite possible that he’d never been with a more passionate lady, and it was also possible that tonight was going to be the sexual highlight of his life. Yes, he might have stumbled over his own oath to never again become involved with a wealthy woman, but he fully intended to enjoy tonight’s sin, no matter how painful tomorrow’s remorse might be. And who knew? Maybe he wouldn’t have to suffer any remorse at all. From Hope’s fervent response to his initial advance, and considering how fast things moved after that, she must be a woman who took her fun wherever she found it. Probably one night of steamy sex was all she wanted, too. Then they’d both be physically sated and probably never touch each other again. After all, she wasn’t going to be here very much longer.
Without further ado, he positioned himself for the final thrill. Kissing her with his heart full of affection for the giver of such boundless delights as he was experiencing with her, and with his body almost to the bursting point, he slid into her.
Or rather, he tried to slide into her. So startled over his discovery that he could barely think straight, he raised his head and looked at her. Her eyes were closed and her face bore an unmistakably aroused expression. He swallowed hard, kept staring at her and finally her eyelids fluttered open and she stared back.
“Uh, is something wrong?” She wasn’t positive of the actual mechanics of the act of lovemaking, but surely it didn’t include long, idle lapses.
Matt honestly didn’t know how to handle this. She was a virgin? Was that even possible? Well, there was nothing for him to do but to spit it out.
“You’ve never done this before,” he said flatly.
Shock widened her eyes. “What do you mean by that?”
“I meant that you’ve never made love before.”
“How would you know that?” she scoffed though her heart was beating fearfully fast. How would he know?
“Hope, this is making me feel pretty damned foolish. Don’t you remember anything about your own body?”
“Like what?’
“Like the barrier that every female is born with, that’s what!”
“Barrier?” she echoed weakly. “Where—where is this so-called barrier?”
“Use your imagination.” He tried to move off her, but she became panicky and clung to him with all her might. “Hope, don’t you realize the significance of what I just told you? Dammit, you’re a virgin!”
She started crying, silently but with huge tears dripping from her eyes. “If you don’t finish what you started, I’ll die. I will, Matt, I know it. Why would I want to remain a virgin, for pity’s sake? You kissed me, and touched me, and I felt something that I will never, ever forget. For heaven’s sake, don’t leave me in this incomplete state.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking me to do,” he muttered darkly. There was a terrible anger in the pit of his stomach, because he wanted her so much he hurt, and she was making it almost impossible for him to be honorable about something so unexpected that he was trembling internally over it. Nothing about her had ever suggested virginity. Not her looks, not her demeanor, certainly not the way she’d snuggled in his arms after her nightmares. As for tonight, she’d been as wanton and lustful as the most experienced temptress.
She was still lustful! He could see it in her eyes, and feel it in the way she kept rubbing her body against his.
He could bear no more. She was right. Why would she want to remain a virgin?
“You win,” he said gruffly, and lowered his head to take her mouth in a devouring kiss. She moaned in thrilled delight and lifted her arms to encircle his neck. Then, without any warning so that she wouldn’t tense up, he gave one mighty push and thrust his manhood deep inside her.
She tore her mouth from his and cried out. “You didn’t say it was going to hurt!”
“It won’t hurt for long. Just relax, let me do the work, and I guarantee you’ll enjoy it.”
Twenty minutes later she cried out again, but this time it was from a most glorious feeling that engulfed her completely, then seemed to carry her far, far away from earthly concerns, where she floated on a soft pink cloud that gradually delivered her back to reality. Matt had moved onto the bed next to her, and when she opened her eyes, she saw that his were closed.
She breathed a small sigh, then could not prevent herself from stretching like a contented cat. Looking at Matt again, she wondered if he was really sleeping. He did appear to be, she thought, but there were a lot of things she would have liked to talk to him about. One question in particular would have to be asked sooner or later. Did all women feel what she had at the peak of lovemaking? Was it normal and right and decent for her to have felt so much? Goodness, she had nearly passed out from the explosive pleasure that had swept her away.
Another question seemed to be most urgent. Could they do it again? Hope frowned then. Was her amnesia especially overpowering, or was it the norm for people with her condition to forget even the most basic facts of life? Not knowing that she’d been a virgin, or even what constituted virginity, was really very embarrassing. Not that Matt would ever fault her for it. He was so very special, wasn’t he? Hope’s frown changed to a smile over that thought.
Matt was only pretending to be asleep. He could hardly believe what he’d just done. She’d been a virgin, for hell’s sake, a virgin! And he’d taken advantage of her ignorance of sex and her own body. He would never forgive himself and if he knew of a way to get her the hell out of his bed without having to face and actually talk to her, he’d do it in a New York minute.
Instead, cowardly jerk that he felt himself to be over this fiasco, he feigned sleep and hoped she would decide to leave his room and sleep in her own.
She didn’t. She sat up to switch off the lamp, then lay on her side with her back to him, pulled up the blankets to cover them both and went to sleep.
It was hours before Matt finally drifted off, hours of self-reproach. Actually, reproach was too mild a word for what he put himself through. He was the lowest form of life—a lecherous man who had preyed on an innocent woman.
God help him, if he didn’t get Hope safe in the bosom of her family very soon, he was going to go so far off the deep end he would never be the same.
Hope stirred sleepily. The room was black as pitch and Matt had wound himself around her backside and was exploring her front side with a slow, deliberate and extremely sensual hand. She smiled as he caressed her breasts. Not for just a second or two, but for long, deliciously tantalizing minutes. Her nipples were hard and erect, so sensitized to his touch that thrill after thrill raced from whichever one he was concentrating on to her central core, which she had only learned tonight lay somewhere between the pit of her stomach and that warm, secret spot between her legs.
It was so marvelous to be touched and gently rubbed the way he was doing that she wanted to do the same to him. But he was pressed tightly against her, and his manhood was huge and hard at the back of her thigh and she could not reach around herself to caress him. She could always turn over, of course, but would that break the almost magical spell of Matt’s very romantic attentions?
His hand began dropping, very slowly making little circles on her tummy, rising again to her breasts and then going lower again. Hope’s heart hammered and her mouth got dry. Her body was expectant again, on the edge, full of achy wants and desires. Was Matt an especially sexual man? she wondered. Oh, he must be. To make you feel like this so easily, he must be very potent and knowledgeable. I wish I knew everything he does about making love.
I wish I knew everything about myself. She heaved a sigh and berated herself for feeling sorry for herself at a time like this. For heaven’s sake, do what Matt told you to do, relax and enjoy it.
Which she did, and when his hand slipped between her thighs, she willingly opened her legs so he could reach that part of her that seemed to be in flames.
He whispered in her ear then. “You’re hot and wet.”
Her heart skipped a beat, for it was the first thing he’d said since awakening her with his extremely intimate caress.
“Should I be?” she whispered back.
“Definitely.” His forefinger found and gently stroked the small bud that held the key to her desire. “Do you like that?”
She nearly choked. “Yes…yes.”
“Then I won’t stop doing it.”
“Good…please don’t.”
He turned her slightly so that her legs were spread farther apart and she was almost lying on top of him, then he entered her from behind and began moving in and out while he continued playing as before. She panted and gasped and moaned and whimpered. And finally she was able to croak out a few words. “I—I wondered if we could do this again.”
“Again and again and again, as often as we want.” You dog, how can you do this to her?
“Really? As often as we want?”
“With a little rest in between, that is.” He was starting to move faster, and his voice was losing strength, becoming hoarse and gravelly. “Are you going to hate me for this when you regain your memory?”
“Don’t talk,” she gasped. “We’ll talk…later.”
He suddenly reared up, laid her on her back and thrust into her from the front again. He was so aroused and driven that he pounded, almost roughly, into her until she cried out with a powerful climax. Seconds later, he reached the same incredible plateau, then he collapsed on her and laid his head on the pillow next to hers.
Her breathing finally slowed, and she could hear Matt’s returning to normal, as well. “Would you like to talk now?” she asked softly.
He rolled away from her, so disgusted with himself that he wanted her to hate him. “You do know what this is, don’t you?” he said coldly.
“I don’t think I understand.” Where was the warmth she’d heard in his voice only minutes ago?
“Well, let me clarify it. You’re in my house, a damned beautiful, sexy woman and probably the most willing I’ve ever run into. What we’re doing tonight is what respectable people call an affair. Then there are those who call it a one-night stand, a roll in the hay, or a poke in the whiskers. Are you following what I’m saying?”
“But—but—” She was so shocked she couldn’t speak. Then from nowhere came a coherent thought, one that made sense to her confused brain. “Are you saying you don’t love me?”
“Good Lord, where’d you get the idea that I did?”
“Does—doesn’t love and lovemaking go together?”
“Hell, no!”
She was completely befuddled. Why was there an inner voice insisting that love and lovemaking did go together? And why was Matt being so mean now when he’d been so sweet and loving before?
Her blood turned to ice then. Because you’re the most willing woman he’s ever run into, and he wanted a piece of the action. Wasn’t that what he said? That you’re beautiful and sexy and willing? Is this the way all men behave? No wonder I was a virgin!
Without turning on the lamp, she jumped out of bed and ran from the room. Startled, Matt sat up and nearly called her name. Now he felt like a dog for hurting her feelings with pure hogwash, just to appease his own conscience.
Besides, it hadn’t worked. His conscience wasn’t even close to being appeased, and he doubted that he’d get another wink of sleep tonight. Damn, was he never going to learn that falling for the wrong woman only brought a man misery?
Hope moped around the house the next morning. Matt had left early—she’d heard him get up and go, but she was never going to speak a civil word to him again, even if she was stuck on his horrible ranch for the rest of her life.
And neither was she going to stay inside his horrible house, just because he’d told her to! The sun was shining, it was a warm, lovely day and she was going for a walk! To hell with what he might think about it, and he’d better not start preaching to her about it when he got home again, either, because she was in no mood to hear any more of his offensive remarks, the jerk.
Why, oh why had she succumbed to physical persuasion and let him…? She cringed every time she thought of the things she’d let him do to her, and worse, the things she’d done to him without him even asking. It was as though she’d known what to do instinctively, for as sure as the Texas sky was blue, Matt had liked every move she’d made.
“You’re a terrible person,” she said out loud to herself. “No wonder no one gives a damn about you.”
But that probably wasn’t a hundred percent true. What about her mother? Madelyn LeClaire must care about her or Madelyn’s name would not be on that In Case of Emergency card in her wallet.
Hope knew she should use that telephone number and phone her mother, but she couldn’t force herself to even consider it seriously. Regardless of Matt’s ruthless seduction, he was still the only person she really knew and trusted. Not that she should trust him after last night, but she did. It wasn’t something she could talk herself out of, either.
She left the house for the fist time, and the first thing she did was lift her face to the sun and inhale the clean, fresh air. There were still some puddles here and there, but the earth was drying rapidly, and it was easy enough to skirt the muddy areas. She started walking and noticed three men near a corral gawking at her. Haven’t they ever seen a woman before? I certainly doubt that, considering their boss’s sexual appetite. Smiling sweetly, she waved at them and called a hello. The trio then took off so fast they were tripping over each other’s feet.
Hope laughed and continued her walk. It occurred to her that it was possible that those cowboys hadn’t known of her presence on the ranch, and seeing her had really been a surprise they hadn’t expected. There didn’t seem to be any reason to her for Matt to keep a secret, but God only knew what went through his mind when he wasn’t looking for “willing” women.
That description still smarted, and Hope vowed again to never forgive him. She had really come full circle on the subject of Matt McCarlson, she realized, because at first she’d been positive he’d barely noticed she was female and now she was positive it was all he had noticed about her. And to think he’d undressed and bathed her while she was unconscious!
In the big horse barn, Matt looked up when three of his men came roaring in, all of them talking at the same time. He caught the gist of their gibberish and shook his head in disgust that Hope was so furious with him that she would deliberately badger him by leaving the house.
“Okay, so now you know,” he told the men. “I have a lady staying with me, which is the reason I’ve been eating at the house. That’s all I’ve got to say about it, but the three of you feel free to spread the news to the other men and to speculate and gossip to your heart’s content.”
“Aw, heck, Matt, we ain’t gonna do any gossiping,” one of them said with a teasing snicker.
“Yeah, right,” Matt drawled. “Does Chuck have you guys working on the road?”
“Yeah, he sent us back to make some sandwiches and haul ’em back to the crew.”
“And it takes three of you to make sandwiches?”
“Heck, no, Matt. Joe’s gonna make the sandwiches while Farley and I get another load of gravel. We got Chuck’s pickup.”
“Okay, fine. Talk to you later.” As soon as the men had left him alone, Matt strode to the door of the barn and had no trouble at all in spotting Hope, walking along as though she didn’t have a care in the world. “You little fool,” he mumbled, then realized that his groin was once again aching for that “little fool.”
“Aw, hell,” he groaned. He’d never have another moment’s peace until she was off his ranch and out of his sight. Why in hell hadn’t he left well enough alone last night? He hadn’t had to kiss her in the kitchen, or push her down on the table, or lose every drop of self-control just because she’d kissed him back like the hottest little number in all of Texas.
Life and its nasty little traps were really starting to get him down, he thought wearily. Turning his head, he watched Chuck’s pickup heading for the small gravel pit that he was fortunate to have on his own land, because he sure as hell couldn’t afford to buy any gravel or anything else for those road repairs. And until the roads were usable, he was stuck with Hope.
That wasn’t entirely true, of course. He could load her into a four-wheeler, cut across fields, ford creeks, puddles and small rivers, and drop her off on Doc’s doorstep or at the sheriff’s office. Either of them would see that she was turned over to the Stockwells, which was exactly where she belonged.
But could he force himself to do that to her? She didn’t even have the grit to phone her own mother, just because she couldn’t remember Madelyn LeClaire for herself.
“What a damned mess,” Matt muttered. And now he had to catch up with Hope and talk her into returning to the house without giving away his own fears for her safety.
Well, might as well get to it, he thought and started walking. He was a few steps behind Hope when she heard him. Spinning around, she glared at him.
“Before you say one single word to me, I am not going back to the house,” she snapped.
“So, don’t. Why would I care?”
Hope blinked in confusion. “You told me before—”
“Only because of the slipperiness of the ground.” Matt made a big deal of glancing around. “Seems dry enough now that you shouldn’t slip and take another fall, as you apparently did the night before I found you unconscious.”
She almost fell for that, until she remembered something. “Which is an excellent reason for keeping the doors locked and not letting anyone come in when you’re gone,” she said with searing sarcasm. “What do you think I am, a moron? And if you say yes just because I temporarily lost my memory I swear that I’ll brain you!”
“Hell, you don’t need to go into volcanic eruption mode.” Matt stared off into the distance for a moment, then took off his sunglasses and looked into her eyes. “I have the feeling that anything I said to you today would cause the same reaction. You left my room in a huff last night, and you’re still ticked.” He drew a breath. “You have a right to be. I never should have touched you.”
“You did a hell of a lot more than touch me, sport.”
“I know I did, and I’m trying to apologize for it.”
“I thought you didn’t believe in apologies.”
“There are exceptions to every rule.”
“Only because people like you make them up as you go along. And let me add this. You’re hiding something from me, and don’t insult my intelligence by continuing whatever charade it is you’re playing. Why order me to stay in the house with the doors locked one day and then lie about your reasons the next? For God’s sake, if you know something you haven’t told me, please spit it out!”
“All right! I’m concerned that the nightmares you’ve been having are about a real person.”
Hope narrowed her eyes. “And…?”
“Maybe you ran here to get away from him, and maybe he’s watching and waiting for another chance to…to, uh, hurt you.”
A chill went up Hope’s spine, and she took a quick, suddenly nervous, look around. “Watching from where?”
“Hope, with strong binoculars he could be a mile away. Up on that forested hill to the left, for one example.”
“What?” She spun around to see the hill, which was covered with trees and brush that could conceal a small army of terrorists. Was there someone up there right now, peering at her through powerful binoculars? Strangely, instead of fear she felt anger, and it was an angry face that she turned back to Matt. “If you really believe that, shouldn’t you be calling the police?”
Despite her anger, she was still not ready to take responsibility for herself, Matt realized. She was all bluff and bluster.
“I have called the police,” he said quietly. “I’ve talked to Sheriff Cliff Braeburn.”
Hope sucked in a startled breath. “And what’s he going to do, come out here and get me?”
“Would you like him to?”
“No!” Whirling, Hope started running toward the house. Matt took off after her, and they both reached the door at about the same time.
Inside, he saw the panic on her face, the near hysteria, and he put his arms around her and held her tightly, until the trembling in her body subsided.
Then, leaning his head back slightly so he could see her face, he said softly, “You don’t have to go anywhere until you are ready to leave here.”
The tears swimming in her eyes blurred her vision, but she looked into his eyes and still managed to see kindness. What had last night been all about? she sadly asked herself. He’d been crude and cruel after making love to her, and why had he done that when his natural tendency was kindness?
“I don’t understand everything that’s happening,” she said huskily.
“I know you don’t, but let’s keep you as safe as possible until things get straightened out and the dust settles, okay?”
“Okay,” she whispered, and laid her head on his chest.
Matt caressed her hair and felt her wrap her arms around his waist and snuggle closer to him. A feeling of resignation weakened his resolve to never again lay a personal hand on her. She smelled so good and felt so perfect against him, and he was only human, after all.
He kissed the top of her head and whispered, “You’re making me want you again.”
She knew that and more. She was also making herself want him again, and she’d vowed to be cold and acerbic with him. Had she no willpower whatsoever? Apparently she was not a promiscuous woman—not when she’d been a virgin until last night—but Matt did something to her that she couldn’t seem to control. Hadn’t she met any men with that provocative charm before?
Still, however feverish Matt made her feel, she couldn’t quite forget the things he’d said last night. Without preamble, she disengaged herself from him and crossed the room to put plenty of space between them.
“There will be no more one-night stands between us,” she said quietly but firmly.
Matt felt stabbed, but he’d brought this on himself and he couldn’t start telling her now that an affair wasn’t an affair, or that he’d been really stupid in labeling their truly glorious lovemaking as a one-night stand.
He cleared his throat and also tried to clear away the sexual energy vibrating through his body with a few nonchalant gestures—lifting his hat and resettling it on his head, and putting on the sunglasses that he’d stuck in his shirt pocket outside.
“I’ll be getting back to work now,” he said with what he hoped was a semblance of dignity. All she did was nod, and he left the house cursing himself, her situation, his situation, his behavior last night and just about everything else that wasn’t right in his world.
The toughest nut to swallow was that he didn’t know how to make things right.