Today is the fifteenth. The day we always come here in honor of Rory. Tomorrow will be one year since she died. It will also be my twenty-fifth birthday. I was kind of hoping that tomorrow would be better than last year but I’m not sure it’s going to. I feel like something is about to go wrong.
He’s already sitting on the bench when I pull up to the Rose Garden. I grab the bag of food from my passenger seat and make my way through the garden to him. It’s gorgeous, just as it always is. The roses are blooming, and the sun is on its way down.
I’ve been here with him over the years dozens of times, but these times we go for her are different. Neither of us seem to know how to be us when we’re here for her. Do we talk about her? Do we not? Is it wrong to have a good time? Are we supposed to be sad and depressed? I really don’t know how to act.
‘Hey.’ I sit the bag on the end of the bench and take a seat next to him. ‘Been here long?’
He nods. ‘I had lunch here.’
‘You’ve been here since lunch?’ I ask, pulling my phone from my pocket, tapping the screen to check the time. Seven. He’s been here for hours. ‘Did you go to work today?’
He shakes his head.
‘You should have called me. I could have gotten off.’
‘I know, but I can’t always call you every time I feel like shit, Ambri. It’s not fair to you.’ He barks it over at me, then frowns, gently touching my hand as if he’s sorry.
I nod. I know he wants to do this by himself when he struggles but I wish he knew he didn’t have to. He’s never alone.
I sigh to myself as I look out at the city. ‘As usual, it’s beautiful.’
‘She was beautiful.’
I nod. ‘She was, wasn’t she?’
‘Sometimes I wonder if maybe I had never asked her out, I wouldn’t be going through this right now. If she and I never were, none of this would have happened.’ He doesn’t look at me, he only stares into the distance. ‘Then I feel guilty for even thinking that way.’ He pauses, finally looking over at me. ‘Do I serve as a reminder of her to you?’
I bite my lip as I shake my head, swallowing down the emotion that wants to bury me alive. ‘Our relationship never had anything to do with Rory. The fact that you guys ended up dating was something that just kind of happened. I was totally OK with it. To me you’ll always be my best friend.’ I shrug and try to smile when he looks over at me with his own forced almost-smile. ‘Honestly, I try not to think about her. I know that’s probably not how you’re supposed to grieve but I can’t seem to process that she’s gone. In my mind she’s away on vacation. Somewhere as beautiful as this.’ I take a moment to breathe, so I don’t lose it. ‘None of this is your fault. It’s no one’s fault.’
He nods, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his hands. ‘I see her everywhere I go, Ambri. Right when I think she’s gone and I’m doing better, there she is. I try to let her go but she keeps coming back. I want it all to go away. I want her to go away. And I know how awful it is to even say that. That’s what makes all this so much harder.’ His voice cracks as he speaks and when he starts to sob it takes everything in me not to lose it right there with him. I pull him towards me, wrapping my arms around his neck, him holding me back as he completely falls apart again.
I lost my sister, the girl who taught me so many things about life. We spent our childhood together, but sisters grow up and have their own lives. Henry lost his girlfriend, well, his wife. She was the person he thought he’d spend every day of the rest of his life with. Sometimes I think this is harder for him than for me and, because of that, I don’t always know what to say when he has these days. No words feel right.
*
I flip through Netflix again but nothing new has popped up since I scrolled through an hour ago. Last night when Henry lost it, it felt like the longest hour of my life. He didn’t want to go home; he said that’s where he sees her the most. I finally convinced him to come home with me and try to get some sleep. With the help of some over the counter sleeping tablets he’s officially been passed out in my bed for almost five hours. I’m trying to sleep on the couch, but I’ve been restless. I can’t quit wondering how he sees her. Does he talk to her? Is he doing that bad that he actually thinks he’s really seeing her? I glance at the time on the TV: two in the morning. I lie down one more time, flipping the TV off.
I jerk awake, startled by the shattering sound in the kitchen. The room is still dark so I know I haven’t slept long; the under-cabinet lights are on and Henry is kneeling down cleaning up a broken glass on the floor at his feet.
‘Sorry,’ he says as he tosses the pieces of glass into the garbage.
‘You’re up already. Are you, uh—?’
‘I’m OK,’ he says with a shrug. ‘Mostly. I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t expect to lose it like that.’
‘You don’t need to be sorry. I get it. I know how hard it is and how it can hit you unexpectedly.’
He finishes cleaning up the glass and leans against the counter in front of where I’m now standing. ‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For never letting me go through this alone. For being here whenever I need you. For taking care of me when I can’t even focus on myself and for making me feel like I’m not crazy when I do lose it.’ He sighs, a hand now resting on the back of his neck. ‘I don’t want to be like this, Ambri. I never used to be like this.’
‘I know.’
‘There’s also something I’ve been keeping from you.’
‘What is it?’ I ask, a little nervous. He tells me everything. If he hasn’t told me something, it’s probably really bad.
‘Remember the other night, at the concert, when I, uh…?’
I nod, kind of thankful he didn’t finish his sentence. I can’t quit thinking about that night. I know exactly what it was but for some reason I can’t seem to force myself to think that’s what was actually happening. ‘I remember.’ My heart starts to race in my chest.
‘You told Claire you thought I almost kissed you.’
My jaw drops open in shock. Damn it, Claire. Of course, she would tell Ben everything I said in the bathroom that night. And Ben tells Henry everything. Even when you ask him not to.
‘I, uh, that’s what it seemed like.’ I shrug. ‘But I totally get that you weren’t.’ I lie. I’ve been kissed before; that was a build-up to a kiss if I ever saw one.
He stares into my eyes for what feels like forever. ‘You didn’t pull away either. You thought I was going to kiss you and you weren’t going stop it.’
I nod my head in a roundabout unsure answer. He picked up on that, huh? ‘OK. That’s true, but I—’
‘That is what I wanted to do.’ He interrupts me, taking a step in my direction, leaving only inches between us in my somewhat dark kitchen. ‘You make everything so much better for me, Ambri. It’s only because of you that I can hold it together most of the time. I have all these feelings for you lately and I don’t know what to do with them because as soon as I delve in—’
I kiss him. I can’t help it. I can see that’s where this is going, and I’ll save him the trouble of having to explain himself because I feel the same thing he’s starting to describe. Plus, if I don’t do it it’s all I’m going to think about for the rest of my life.
His lips are soft, and for a moment he stands stunned. I pull away when he doesn’t kiss me back.
‘Oh, my God.’ I step back, horrified that I seem to be the only one having feelings that I thought he was hinting at. ‘I’m sorry, I thought that’s where this was headed… It wasn’t, was it?’ Shit. Now what have I done?
He stares into my eyes like he’s searching for permission. A shy smile crosses his face as he reaches down, touching my face softly, sliding his hand to my neck and gently pulling me back to him, kissing me like our lives depend on it.
OK, so yeah, he feels it too.
He shoves me up against the wall, in a way I like way too much, and pulls my shirt over my head. I don’t stop him.
This is wrong, Ambri. You should really stop now before you go too far. This can’t end up good. Now is not the time for this.
Ah, who am I kidding? What’s about to happen couldn’t be stopped if a freight train were headed for us. We’re both adults, it’s not like anyone is being forced to have overwhelming feelings for the other.
*
I lay awake most of the night. After sleeping with my best friend. After spending the most intense, earth-shattering night I’ve ever experienced with… anyone, actually. That said, I keep having this sinking feeling that this wasn’t the right thing to do. Rory would hate me. Am I the reason he can’t seem to move on? Am I a constant reminder for him? Is that why he asked me that question tonight? Did he ask because that is exactly how he’s feeling? Those questions have played on a loop for hours. I’ve been afraid to look over at him. Now that daylight is finally peering through my blinds I know I can’t just lie here afraid to face him. He’s my best friend. I roll over; his side of the bed is empty.
I grab a T-shirt from the floor, sliding it on and making my way into the living room. He’s sitting on my couch, staring into the empty, somewhat dark room. He’s wearing only the jeans he came here in yesterday. He looks up at me when I walk in the room, his eyes tight, his expression slack. His hand resting on the back of his neck. He’s stressed, which is never what you want after spending the night with someone.
‘Hey,’ I say, walking over and sitting next to him.
‘Hi.’ He drops his hand reaching over and taking my hand in his, holding it between both of his hands, an obvious forced hesitant smile on his face as he stares down at our hands. Not a good sign.
‘Can I ask you something?’ I ask nervously. I have to ask or I’ll dwell on it forever.
‘Anything.’
‘Is us being so close what’s causing you to not be able to move on? Am I a constant reminder of her for you?’
He sighs, resting his head on my shoulder, silence filling the air for longer than is comfortable. ‘Maybe? Sometimes.’
I jerk away from him, causing him to sit up. ‘Maybe?’ I yell it, surprising even myself. I’ve never yelled at him in anger. Not really. I fully expected him to say no there, and yet his answer is pretty much yes. ‘My God, Henry! You idiot!’ I pull the shirt down my lap, suddenly very aware that I’m sitting here practically naked. ‘I can’t believe you!’ I stand, pacing the room in front of him. ‘We sleep together and you decide this after? I don’t want to be the reason you never heal from this. I can’t be the girl you’re with because I am what’s comfortable and available. I don’t want to maybe sometimes be that constant reminder of what you’ve lost. And I really don’t want to be anyone’s consolation prize.’
He stares blankly into the room for a few moments, that feel like a few hours. He rubs his face with his hands. ‘I know. This is not what I wanted to happen either. But I don’t think I can live with the guilt I’m feeling.’
‘Sleeping with me is not what you wanted to happen? Because it sure didn’t seem that way a few hours ago—’
‘Not what I meant, Ambri. You mean everything to me. Everything about last night was perfect. While I was with you, I finally felt like me again. You’re my best friend and I meant everything I said, but I think…’ he takes a deep breath as if he needs to work up the courage to say whatever he’s about to say ‘…I think I need a new life. One without all the memories of what happened. I’m not the guy I was anymore.’ He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, staring at the floor for a few moments before finally looking back over at me. ‘I am an idiot, and I wouldn’t blame you even a little bit if you hate me. This isn’t what I wanted to happen. I know there are no words for me to fix this but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. So incredibly sorry.’
I stop in the middle of the room, feeling like I need to escape what’s happening, but so afraid if I do, I’ll never see him again. I stand silently for a moment staring over at him, confused. All the feelings that built up in me last night slowly falling apart. My heart shattering so severely it’s making me feel sick.
‘I’m just one of those memories…’ I say quietly with my voice wavering, regretting ever having asked the question. ‘Being with you made me feel something I’ve never felt for anyone and yet suddenly to you I’m a bad reminder of everything you’ve lost. Why didn’t you say this last night? Why haven’t you said this at all over the last year?’ I yell at him. ‘I guess that means our eleven-year friendship has meant shit to you?’ I bite my lip as I stare at him, tears already spilling over even though I really don’t want him to see what this is doing to me. His eyes look much darker than usual as he looks at me with pain all over his face. I don’t even know if he’s really listening to me.
He shakes his head, his eyes now glazing over with the emotion he’s trying so hard to hide. ‘That’s not it at all. You mean everything to me.’
‘Right. Everything. But still not enough to be the person you’re searching for. Do what you need to do, Henry. If you need a new life without me, I hope you get one. But you should know that I don’t think I can ever forgive you for this.’
I make my way down the hall to my bedroom. Throwing his clothes into the hall, stopping and glancing back at him; he’s staring back, obviously as hurt and confused as I am. ‘Happy fucking birthday to me, huh?’ I watch as he drops his head into his hands with a sigh before I slam the door behind me, falling apart for the first time in years without him by my side.