Yesterday didn’t go as I’d hoped. I only wanted to talk to her, but instead we argued. I yelled. She yelled. And I think we both walked away feeling even worse than we did before. She cried, because of me. That part hurt. Both times I’ve been the one to make her cry have done things to me I’ve never expected. To actually see how much I’ve hurt her, to hear her say that she didn’t need me anymore broke my heart all over again. Ben heard all about it from Claire and asked me to meet him at one of our favorite bars to take my mind off things. McMenamins Tavern and Pool on 23rd Avenue. A bar I’ve missed since I left. We spent hours here in our twenties playing pool, forgetting that either of us had true adult responsibilities. Tonight, we play again.
‘Ready to get your ass kicked?’ Ben asks as I walk in.
He’s still the same guy he was when we met at twelve years old, he’s just older. We met the first day of seventh grade. We were a couple of kids, pretending to be the next Tony Hawk, standing up for the kids who were picked on. Ben, of course, threatened to kick anyone’s ass that challenged us. Making him the tough guy, and me the softie. Our twelve-year-old images followed us through high school, somehow landing us in the popular crowd. We never really thought anything of it. We could have been demoted to nerds at any time and we wouldn’t have cared. We knew our temporary high school status wouldn’t mean a thing when we were adults.
‘We’ll see about that. Let me grab a beer – need one?’
‘I’m good.’ He holds his beer in the air as if a trophy he’s just won.
‘Henry Decker!’
Micah, a guy I once worked with after college, stands on the other side of the bar. I didn’t know him well and we didn’t work together for long. Which in a way I’m thankful for – he’s kind of weird.
‘Long time no see! How’s life? Man, I’m sorry to hear about Rory. That’s rough.’
I nod in agreement. The last time I saw Micah was not long after she and I started dating. He’d only met Rory the one time, when we ran into him and his girlfriend while we were out to dinner. Rory, the outgoing person that she was, invited them to join us and regretted it almost immediately when his girlfriend pulled a copy of the Kama Sutra from her bag to talk in detail about the intense romp they had the night before. With illustrations. Proceeding to ask if we owned a copy and, if not, offering to let us borrow theirs. I’m not sure that’s a book you should be lending out. Rory couldn’t think of a reason we had to suddenly leave fast enough and, even then, we still heard much more than we’d have liked to.
‘What can I get ya?’
‘A Two Brothers.’
He sets the beer on the counter. ‘Good to see you, Henry.’
‘You too.’
I make my way back to Ben, pushing the Rory thing from my head.
‘Wanna put money on it?’ Ben asks when I get back, slapping a fifty-dollar bill onto a table near where he’s standing.
It’s like no time has passed between us and we’re picking up exactly where we left off a couple years ago. That’s how you know a true friend. Even after spending time apart and fucking up more times than you can count, you’re able to fall right back into things.
‘Only fifty bucks? What, you’d go broke?’ I ask with a shake of my head.
‘Easiest fifty bucks I’ll make all night,’ he says, chalking up the pool cue he’s holding.
‘In that case…’ I pull the only hundred-dollar bill from my wallet and toss it on top of his fifty.
I think he’s forgotten who he’s playing with. When we lived together during college we had a pool table in our living room in place of actual furniture. He wasn’t the only good one.
‘Oho… big spender. You’re on.’ Ben pulls another fifty from his wallet.
‘Damn.’ I shake my head a few minutes later, unable to believe just how bad I am now.
Apparently, I’m not as good at pool as I remember. That was the fastest hundred bucks I’ve ever lost. And I once went to Vegas.
‘Looks like you need to stop hanging out with women and start hanging out with me again. You lost your cool, man.’ He shakes his head as if he’s really disappointed in me. ‘How about one more and I’ll quit kicking your ass? First, though, I’ll grab a couple more brewskies, on me, ʼcause I’m sure you’re gonna go broke.’ Ben grabs one of his fifties from the table, heading to the bar, laughing the entire way.
I rack the pool balls ready for the next game. I don’t always hang out with women. Normally. I have, or had, a few friends down in LA. Of course, they were all married with families so hanging out with a guy not quite to that point in life was never their first choice.
Ben hands me a beer when he gets back to the table.
‘How about we don’t play for money this time?’
‘I’m not doing one of your dares.’ I pull the rack from the balls and hang it back on the wall.
In college, we played for dares. I once had to strip naked and bellyflop into the snow. If you know Portland, you’ll know that we don’t get much snow, so a powder landing wasn’t something I had the luxury of. It was more of a face plant into the frozen ground covered in a quarter inch of ice, naked. If I’m not mistaken, I think Ben even has a photo somewhere to prove it.
‘I was thinking more if I win you finally quit hiding behind the ghost of your ex and admit why you can’t either let Ambri go or tell her how you actually still feel.’
I sigh, setting my beer on the pool table and taking my shot. ‘I told her yesterday.’
‘You told her you loved her?’ Ben’s voice is weird and high-pitched.
‘I told her I was in love with her.’ It was the only thing in everything I said yesterday that stunned her momentarily silent.
‘Was? As in past tense? So, you’re still lying to her, then?’
I sit in the booth next to our pool table, feeling nervous even thinking about our fight yesterday. It’s been playing on a loop in my head ever since. Whenever I see her I can’t figure out if I want to kiss her or run from her. I can’t quit thinking about her; she’s in my head every minute of every day since I’ve been back.
‘It wasn’t a lie.’ I sigh heavily, dropping my head towards the ground. ‘I don’t know anymore… maybe it was a lie?’ I ask it as a question, glancing up at Ben as if he has the correct answer. ‘Do you have any idea how me being in love with her again would complicate even more lives than just our own?’
Ben laughs, taking a shot and successfully knocking two of his balls in a pocket.
‘I do, but I also know this… there is no perfect scenario. If you’re waiting around for some supernatural sign of approval or for the planets to line the fuck up or whatever, it’ll never happen. Sometimes you gotta jump in with both feet and figure out the details and shit as you go.’
‘Did Claire get you a life lessons calendar?’ I ask him with a laugh. He’s not normally a deep and insightful person. He’s the jokester.
He shakes his head. ‘All these years we’ve been friends, brothers really, and I’m always surprised that you don’t take your own damn advice. I got this shit from you, man. You do realize you can’t run from fate, right?’
I nod. ‘I hate when you’re right.’
‘I’m always right.’ He laughs, sinking another ball.
‘I just need some time with her. I miss her.’ So much it physically hurts.
‘She cried on the phone with Claire after your fight. Did you know she hasn’t even allowed herself to say your name since you left? And now you’ve been back hardly two weeks and you’ve already got her in tears.’
When I close my eyes lately, that’s all I see, her in tears because of me. ‘She cried while we fought.’ I swallow away the pain building in me. ‘I have no idea how to fix this.’
‘I’ve no doubt you’ll figure out some way to tell her what you need to say.’
‘Yeah…’ He’s right. I know this whole thing hurts, and I know it’s not only hurting me but I can’t just walk away defeated. I glance up from the beer I’m staring at as I hear him make a shot.
‘They have an ATM machine here.’ He points across the bar with a laugh. ‘Better grab your debit card ʼcause I think you’re gonna need some cash.’ Another two balls disappear from the table. He might be right.