This week is The Bite of Oregon. One of my favorite foodie weeks of the year. It has everything from: amazing new menus by the best chefs in the state, cuisine from Oregon’s seven regions, a distiller, wine tasting, beer gardens, sweets, music, even an iron chef competition. If I could spend all four days camped out right at the center of it, I would. And… I don’t have to pay for my own food. It’s on the website because it’s for a work story. That’s probably my favorite job perk ever.
This year I’ve invited Claire and Karmen to check it out with me. Ben and Henry are working in Ben’s brewery booth and hopefully will steer clear of us. Noah had to work. In a way I’m kind of glad. I didn’t want today to be completely awkward if Henry and I have another unexpected run-in.
Noah knows about Henry. And he never had a single worry about it until the other day. Little does he know he’s not the only one with worries.
My argument with Henry the other day had me shook. I can’t explain the things I was feeling, and I don’t really want to. The only person who knows is Claire. Unfortunately, since she knows that means Ben probably knows too. I know Ben has probably already told him what our fight did to me, which is part of why I’m so desperate to not see him today. I’m not ready to talk to him again about things having to do with us anymore. It’s been a few days and I’m still trying to process everything he said during our fight. Why couldn’t he say any of that back then? The what ifs are killing me. It’s like an overthinker’s nightmare.
‘I had Henry show me how to do the Heimlich Maneuver last night. You know, just in case.’ Karmen giggles as she says it.
‘Haha. I truly hope that was a one-time thing.’ I laugh but thinking of it brings back the rush of mortification, knowing that my saving grace that day was Henry. Any other century than the one we’re in and I’d owe him my life for saving mine. Which he’s already tossed away once.
I never even would have choked if he hadn’t walked through that door. Now here I am actually voluntarily hanging out with his girlfriend. It’s weird, I know it is, but life moves on and I refuse to keep missing out on things because my feelings can’t handle it.
‘What should we do first?’ I ask, hoping to change the subject from anything Henry related.
‘If I know you, and I think that I do…’ Claire glances around the event ‘… I’m gonna bet you want to wander and wait for some divine smell to call you in.’
‘See, there really is a reason why we’re best friends.’ I wink obnoxiously.
‘She really does have a food obsession, doesn’t she?’ Karmen asks Claire, the two of them lagging behind me as I slowly pace the grounds waiting for a booth to grab me by the stomach.
There are so many mesmerizing smells that I can hardly pull out just one that I can’t resist. Bacon, freshly baked bread, garlic, it’s like a carnival for the senses.
‘You haven’t seen anything yet.’ Claire laughs. ‘I once caught her devouring an entire Costco pie for breakfast after being heartbro—’ She stops mid-word when I throw a glare her direction. I asked her specifically not to mention anything having to do with me and Henry. Her only job today is to make sure our entire conversation doesn’t revolve around the one person we all have in common. Here we are thirty minutes in and she’s already forgotten. ‘A bad day.’ She tries to save it before Karmen picks up on it.
I know it was only one night, but it cost me my best friend and the guy who meant everything to me. Sleeping with Henry was the worst decision of my life. Of course, it didn’t seem that way while it was happening. But that’s the way all bad decisions are. You see them in hindsight.
‘That’s sad. I can’t say I’ve ever done anything smart after my heartbreaks either, so no worries there.’ Karmen shrugs, picking up on Claire’s faux pas as if it’s just a thing women do when someone rips their heart from their chest, stomps it on the ground right in front of them, and then takes pieces of it with them when they leave so it can never have the possibility of being whole again. Sure, an oversized pie is the perfect consolation prize for that. ‘The dumbest thing I ever did after a break-up was tattoo the guy’s name on my body to prove to him exactly how dedicated I was and hope he’d come back to me.’
I look over at her, going from her feet to her head. I don’t see any visible tattoos. I wonder what Henry thinks of his girlfriend having some other guy’s name tattooed on her. Talk about awkward.
‘I thought tattooing the name of a partner was bad luck? Like it causes break-ups,’ Claire asks.
‘Yeah, I found that little superstition out after the fact. I ended up covering it up because I was mortified I’d done it at all. It definitely didn’t help us to get back together and made me look desperate.’ She shrugs.
‘The Dump Truck!’ I point towards a booth hoping to change the subject so we don’t have to have any more of a heart-to-heart than we just did. ‘The best dumplings in all the world, in any flavor you could imagine. And they have a sampler where I – er, we – can taste them all.’
‘Don’t kid yourself.’ Claire waves a hand at me. ‘You know you’re gonna order a sampler for yourself.’
‘You’re totally right.’ I laugh.
I mean, it would be wrong if I didn’t have all the details for my story. Right?
‘Oh, my God. These are so good,’ Karmen says a few minutes into our first feast fest. ‘I’m gonna have to start going to the gym for a few hours a day if I keep hanging out with you guys.’
‘Nah… just put a treadmill in front of your TV. Trust me, it works.’
‘Does she really have a treadmill in front of her TV?’ she asks Claire.
‘Yup. And she sometimes runs on it while she eats ice cream. She’s that much of a weirdo.’
Over the next few hours we visit a handful of booths, and the wine-tasting room. I successfully avoided Ben’s booth because I suddenly had to use the restroom, which resulted in me stopping by this amazing teriyaki booth and eating an entire meal without anyone else even knowing. And I avoided Henry. Win-win in my book.
I was kind of nervous about how today would go with Claire and I not really knowing much about Karmen besides the fact that she’s dating Henry. Which, when he isn’t here, isn’t as weird as I’d been expecting. I’m finding myself to like Karmen more and more.
Now we’re trying to figure out what exactly to try for dessert.
‘How about the s’mores place?’ She points a few booths down. ‘What’s it called, Nineteen27?’
I spot it immediately and lead the girls to it, falling more and more in love with her decision the closer I get.
‘Ugh… I don’t know how much more I can take.’ Claire groans, ready to give up before our cocoa espresso s’mores are even handed to us.
‘Man up, you weenie. It’s the last course.’ I hand her the mouth-watering marshmallowy treat and point towards an empty table near the live music. ‘Come on, we’ll take a break.’
‘Yum. This is definitely what I’m eating next time I’m broken-hearted, for sure.’ Karmen has taken a page from my own food book and has her eyes closed, enjoying every single moment of the bite she just took.
‘I’m with ya,’ I say.
‘This has been really fun. You guys totally remind me of my friends back home.’
‘Really?’ I ask, surprised that kind of boring Claire and me would be anything like her friends back home. I’m quite positive that Karmen is the girl throwing cool super-chic dinner parties with an e-invite and Claire and I are the girls pretending like we never got the email.
‘Yeah, totally. You’re both so easy-going. I haven’t even felt any cattiness. You seem to really support each other and have each other’s back. That’s pretty rare in LA. You’ve made me feel right at home in a place I don’t know well yet. Which brings me to why I’m telling you this… I have a question to ask you both. If that’s OK?’
‘Sure,’ Claire says with a shrug of her shoulders.
Shit. Apparently, comfort food also means the same girl talk I was dreading might happen at some point. I like Karmen, but I do not want to talk about her relationship with Henry, if that’s where this is going.
‘You two have known Henry for a lot longer than me…’ She pauses, almost as if she’s thought about this conversation but is still trying to decide on her exact wording.
Henry is exactly where this conversation is going. I could change the subject? Be totally rude and interrupt her to discuss anything else. Coming off as rude or completely uncomfortable seem to be my only two options at this point.
‘He’s been kind of weird lately,’ she continues, despite my internal panic attack and my silently begging for her to stop.
I sigh; completely uncomfortable it is.
‘He’s really distracted, all the time. Whenever I ask what he’s thinking about he says work. It seems like since we got here all we do is fight. Is this normal for him? I mean, even the sex hasn’t been the same. And normally it’s… ya know.’ She winks. ‘He’s like, wow.’ She giggles. ‘Anyways, he’s just not the Henry I know.’
I scrunch my face when she mentions sex because I do know the wow that she’s referring to. I’ve been replaying it for years because I’ve yet to have another wow that can compare. I’m gonna keep on pretending that she and Henry don’t have that kind of relationship. It’s easier that way.
I glance to Claire, whose eyes are wide, staring over at me.
‘Um…’ She pulls herself together much quicker than I could. ‘Does he work a lot? You said he always blames work. Maybe the new office is stressing him out? Ben gets stressed with work sometimes and that’s when we end up fighting.’
‘Yeah. That’s gotta be it. I wonder if maybe he’s struggling with his past since we’ve been back. He’s been through bouts of depression ever since I’ve known him, but this is different.’
I fill my mouth with sticky marshmallow, so I can’t speak. Another reason I love food. It can save you from the most talkative of situations. If he’s still going through major dark days he’s not progressed much since he left. Which means I was completely right when I called him out on it the other day.
‘To be quite honest, us moving in together and all the way here kind of felt like we were nearing a point where we take the next step in our relationship.’
‘The next step, as in marriage?’ Claire asks.
I will not choke on this s’more. I will not choke on this s’more.
‘What do you think, Ambri?’ Karmen calls me out.
I force the mouthful of s’more down in a swallow that hurts. ‘I uh – have you talked to him about how he feels about marriage?’ All I can remember is his only experience with marriage and how it ruined him. Long ago he and I talked about marriage and he wasn’t keen on it even then. I honestly never asked him about it again. Talking about marriage is for the girlfriend, not the best friend.
‘Well, I’m sure he wants to – he’s done it before. Plus, why would he have moved in with me if he was totally against the next step?’ She laughs as if that is perfectly obvious.
‘True…’ Claire’s eyes are huge as she tries to not let the cat out of the bag. ‘I say talk to him about it. Henry’s always been a pretty open guy. I’m sure whatever is going on he’ll confide in you.’
‘Yeah.’ I agree with Claire. I don’t really know exactly what to say to Karmen. Partly because I know Henry’s stance on marriage but who knows? Maybe he’s become someone I really don’t know over the last two years. Maybe he is considering marrying Karmen. She is very much his type.
I sigh, taking the last bite of my s’more.
‘Ladies, ladies, ladies…’ Ben and Henry walk up on us, each of them sitting by their respective partner, leaving me as an extra.
‘We were just talking about you,’ Claire says, her eyes on Henry.
‘About me?’
‘Uh-oh!’ Ben laughs, kissing Claire’s cheek. ‘I hope you’re not hiding anything…’ Ben raises an eyebrow Henry’s way, a sly smile on his face.
‘Nobody’s mad…?’ Henry asks, glancing around the table. His eyes only landing on me for a second. Not giving me nearly enough time to show that I am indeed still mad at him. I think.
‘No, no. They were telling me how amazing you are, but I already know.’ Karmen moves over to Henry’s lap, kissing him on the lips, making me wish I had another s’more to distract myself with, or possibly choke on.
‘Where’s Noah at today?’ Henry asks.
I raise an eyebrow, wondering why he’s suddenly curious about my boyfriend he knows nothing about. ‘He’s out being someone else’s superhero.’
Henry looks to Ben with a confused look.
‘Noah is a cop,’ Ben tells him.
‘Oh-h-h…’ Henry says.
‘So, no more illegal shit, Henry.’ Ben winks.
I stand from the table. ‘Speaking of Noah, he only requested one thing from me today: dinner from The Frying Scotsman. Authentic British fish and chips. He says it reminds him of the time he went to England with his dad the summer before college.’
‘That’s cute.’ Karmen grins. ‘So, you two are moving in together soon. Do you think he’ll pop the question?’
I drop my bag on the ground in front of me when she asks, glancing at Claire. I was stunned enough when he suggested we move in together. I hadn’t even considered him thinking this was us moving to the marriage level. God, I hope that’s not the case.
I reach down and grab my bag. ‘Um…’ My eyes land on Henry, who suddenly squirms with Karmen still on his lap.
‘I’ll be right back,’ he says, nearly dumping Karmen on the ground as he bolts from the table, everyone watching him until he’s disappeared into the crowd.
‘Oh, ya know… I don’t know. We haven’t really even talked about it.’ Is that next? Us talking about getting engaged? I don’t even know how it works. I thought the guy just asked and you were surprised but thrilled. I don’t know how I’d feel if he asked me right now. Actually, I do know. I couldn’t say yes if Noah asked me to marry him right now. I’m not in the marriage place yet. I’m absolutely sure that is not the correct thing to even think as his girlfriend who is about to move in with him.
‘I’m sure you’ll know when it’s coming. Moving in isn’t a total prelude to marriage. I mean, sometimes yeah, but maybe he’ll be happy just living together and not want to change a thing?’ Claire knows what I’m thinking as she tries to ease my internal panic attack.
‘You’re right.’ I point behind me. ‘I’ll be right back.’ I practically jog through the aisle between booths on my way to the one I’m headed to, which thankfully is far enough away that I will be out of sight to overthink this whole engagement thing alone.
I sigh as I walk up, dropping my head towards the ground. At least I thought I was going to be alone. Henry is leaning against the corner of the booth, a hesitant smile on his face.
‘Now you’re following me around?’ I ask as I pass him, approaching the man at the counter.
‘I needed to talk to you and I know this is the only way you’ll allow it.’ He says, not leaving his spot.
‘OK…’
‘I learned something about myself after our fight the other day.’
‘And what was that?’ I ask after I order, walking away from the ordering side of the booth and over towards Henry on the pick-up side.
‘You were absolutely right, I do hide behind Rory. And when things feel like more than I can handle I do whatever I can to escape. That’s me being a coward and it’s not fair to me or to you.’
‘I know all this, Henry.’ I grab some napkins from the counter, shoving them into my bag. Refusing to give him the attention he’s looking for by looking directly at him.
‘I know you do. I needed you to hear it from me that I can’t do that anymore. I can’t keep lying to myself. I can’t keep pretending that escaping will help me forget. I don’t want to forget.’
‘What don’t you want to forget?’
‘You. Us. Our entire life together. You’re in every memory I have, Ambri. The good and the bad. I can’t keep going like this, pretending like I never felt what I did. I’m going to face my demons and I’m going to do whatever it takes to win.’
I roll my eyes, finally turning to face him. ‘Why are you telling me this?’
‘Because I’m tired of living my life without you in it. We used to tell each other everything. You are my person, Ambri.’
I grunt a disbelieving laugh. ‘I’m your person? Just like that.’
‘Just like always,’ he says.
‘And if I’m remembering right, and, trust me, I’ve overthought it enough to know that I am… you don’t tell me everything. You only tell me almost everything. The things you want me to know,’ I remind him.
He nods. ‘I know. That’s changing starting right now. That’s why I’m saying all this.’
I sigh heavily, becoming more and more irritated with him. ‘Henry, it will never be the same between us as it was. Like I said the other day, we can’t go back. Maybe we both had feelings for each other before and maybe it even was love, but I think it’s pretty clear we’ve both moved on. I can deal with you being back if I must. But us being all besties again, I just can’t go there. Those days are over.’
‘I couldn’t agree more.’
‘What?’
‘I agree, I think the days of us being best friends are long behind us.’
‘Then what exactly are you trying to say?’
‘Ambri?’ The guy working at the booth holds up my bag. ‘Eighteen even.’ Yeah, yeah, I bought two meals even though I’ve been eating all day. I’m sure I’ll be hungry at some point.
‘I got this.’ Henry steps in front of me, handing the guy a twenty. ‘Keep the change.’ He takes the bag from him, handing it to me with a shy grin on his face. ‘All I’m saying is that I hope I can see you again?’ he asks, a shy smile on his face.
My heart starts beating faster in my chest and the pit I normally have in my stomach when I see him lately seems to be bubbling over with something more pleasant feeling. ‘You know I want to say no.’ I sigh. ‘But judging by the past few days, running into you again seems more likely than not.’
He grins. ‘That’s good for me.’
I pinch my lips together to keep from returning his smile. I don’t know what he’s up to, but I’m not sure I like it. He’s got me intrigued and I don’t want to be.