‘He sent flowers?’ Claire asks as she digs through the few things I have left in my closet that aren’t packed.
‘Yeah. And like the idiot I am I actually thanked Noah for them. I may or may not have told him they were from you.’
She turns from my closet. ‘What? Don’t be lying and getting me into your crazy ideas.’
‘You think I could tell Noah that another man, one that he knows I’ve slept with, sent me roses and he wouldn’t wonder what the hell was up?’
‘Of course, he would. But you did save Henry from something that could have really humiliated him. Maybe he sent them for that reason?’
I stare over at her, a gritted-teeth smile. ‘How did that never even cross my mind?’ I drop my head into my hands, feeling like a total idiot.
‘Why did you think Henry sent them? Or should I ask, why did you hope he sent them?’
I shrug, a probably obvious embarrassed grin on my face. ‘They’re the kind of flowers he knew I loved from me telling him a long time ago. I just thought…’
‘You thought he’s falling for you again.’ She’s no longer digging through my closet, but standing in the middle of the room, three hangers strung over one arm and a dress flung over her shoulder.
‘Is that so bad? I mean, something is different, Claire. Way, way different.’
‘How would you feel if he was?’
I lay back on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I’ve done this a lot this week. Stare at the ceiling, wondering what could have been, what might be, what if. What if he does love me again?
‘I think it would definitely throw some things off track.’
‘Yeah. The question is would it throw you off track?’
I sit up. ‘I think I would actually kind of prefer the way things went down the first time.’
‘Oh yeah, the time he broke your heart?’
‘No. The time I didn’t really even realize how I felt about him until it hit me all at once.’
Claire sighs, dropping everything in her hands and walking over, sitting next to me on my bed. ‘Eventually you have to face the feelings you’re trying to avoid. You can’t keep everything buried and not expect them to give you some troubles along the way.’
‘Noah and I have been fighting.’
‘About what?’
‘Henry. And marriage, and… and I—’ I bite my lip. I haven’t said this out loud besides to my parents, but I know I need to. ‘I don’t want to move in with him, Claire. I should have said no when he suggested it. I’m not ready for moving in together.’
‘Then why did you agree if you don’t want to?’
‘Because it felt like the right thing to do. But things haven’t been going great, and then Henry coming back… it’s just – everything I felt for him is coming back and I don’t know what to do.’ I tear up, the emotions I’ve continued to bury finally starting to make it to the surface.
She puts an arm around me, leaning her head against mine. ‘You’re human, Ambri. You don’t always choose who you fall in love with. The heart wants what it wants sometimes. More often than not it doesn’t go in the direction you expected. I think it’s worth the time it takes to figure it out though. You don’t want to look back and realize you did the wrong thing because you made a decision too soon.’ She turns to face me. ‘You need to really think about why you’re even with Noah. Are you in love with him or are you only doing what you think you should be doing?’
I’ve already been thinking about this, a lot. Noah had to really chase me to even get me to go out with him. I was scared but I finally said yes because… well, I was lonely. Noah is a great person, he really is, but I don’t think I’m in love with him like I should be.
‘Noah’s comfortable. He’s safe. I don’t think he’d ever hurt me but…’ I sigh. ‘I feel like maybe I love Noah in the same way I love Ben. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ben, just not in the romantic way that a love should be. God…’ I drop back on the bed again. ‘I am a terrible person, Claire.’
‘No, you’re not. Life isn’t easy.’
‘I’m probably one of those rare people whose soulmate was hit by a cab or something. Even so, why couldn’t I have found him in high school, like you did? It would have made everything so much easier.’
‘Maybe you did?’ she says in a soft voice, with a shrug of her shoulders.
I close my eyes. Did I?
‘Listen, don’t start overthinking things. Today, all you’re doing is going to talk to a guy about a website. That’s it. I know Henry knows that’s what this is about because Ben told him. No pressure. Just two people doing business. No major life decisions, just you and a guy you’ve known your whole life.’
I nod. Just two people, friends, doing business. I hadn’t really thought of it like that. ‘I can do that.’
‘Right. Can you try not to choke this time?’ She laughs.
‘Oh, my God.’ I toss a pillow her direction. ‘I’m never gonna live that one down, I bet.’
‘This.’ She hands me tan skinny capris, a white T-shirt, and denim jacket. ‘With your trusty old Chucks.’ She points to my white sneakers on the floor.
I’ve been trying on outfits for almost an hour and couldn’t find anything that didn’t look like I was trying too hard. Yet, somehow Claire is able to put together a Gap commercial in less than ten minutes.
‘How do I look?’ I walk out of my bathroom minutes later, running my fingers through my wavy hair, hoping it doesn’t look like I recently pulled it from the matronly bun I had it in.
‘Breezy.’ She uses a line from Friends that actually kind of fits the situation I’m in.
‘Perfect.’
‘You’re gonna do great. You’re setting up your future.’
I raise my eyebrows.
‘Relax, your career future, ya weirdo. Call me when you’re done.’
‘OK.’ I take a few deep breaths as I throw my bag over my shoulder, heading out to my car. I can do this. I can face Henry one on one for an entire lunch. I used to do it all the time.
*
We’re meeting at The Doug Fir Lounge on East Burnside. A place so incredibly cool inside with its log cabin look and food to die for. If rustic, vintage, swanky, and hip had a love child, it would be The Doug Fir. We used to come here all the time for lunch, dinner, drinks, and concerts in the small venue downstairs. I see him sitting inside as I approach the restaurant. He’s by himself at a booth near a window. His laptop is sitting on the table in front of him, he taps the keyboard, not even noticing me outside. He’s definitely not the monster I’ve tried to convince myself he was the last two years. He’s gorgeous, just like he always has been. Even seeing him again makes me feel like I’m finally home again, it’s been happening a little bit more with every run in we’ve had since he’s been back. That’s not to say that my nerves, head, and heart aren’t a bit on the frazzled side.
He looks up, noticing me and smiling, just about stopping my heart completely. I make my way into the restaurant. He looks as casual as I do, wearing dark gray jeans, a light blue T-shirt, his black jacket and black chucks. There’s really no greater shoe; I convinced him of that back when we were teens. His dark hair is as disheveled as ever, but he looks more relaxed than when I saw him for the first time again at Imperial. He probably didn’t even panic over what to wear like I did.
‘You made it.’ He seems relieved as he closes his laptop.
‘Yeah.’ I set my bag on the inside of the booth, sliding in across from him. ‘I should have known you’d pick this place.’
‘Best grilled cheese in town if I remember right? I’m pretty sure I even read a review about this place. Some crazy food-obsessed woman going on and on about how melty the cheese was…’ He winks at me over his laptop that’s now closed.
I smile. ‘You read my article?’
‘Every single one of them.’
‘When?’
‘This week.’ His cheeks start to pink. ‘I can’t sleep at Ben and Claire’s.’
‘Worried they’ll start having obnoxiously loud sex in the room next to yours?’ I ask, my face scrunched into a disgusted grin.
‘Kind of.’ He laughs. ‘Also, I really want to know you now, after two years of being without you and reading your reviews helped me do that. You’re a natural. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’d been doing it your entire life. You made me want to be at these places eating the food.’
‘Thanks.’
He looks down at the menu next to his laptop. ‘So… do I have to order something specific, so you can force me to split it, or are you off that?’
I shake my head. ‘No, no. Still very much on that. But I do have manners.’ Most of the time at least. It’s nice he’d volunteer but I’m not sure we’re in the entrée-sharing place anymore.
‘Thank you,’ he says quietly.
I glance up from my menu. ‘For what?’
He cocks his head. ‘For trying to protect me from something you knew would hurt me. For standing up for me. For losing your job for me. Even for agreeing to be sitting where you are right now.’
I wipe my overly sweating hands on my pants below the table. I’m absolutely positive I’ve never sweat this much before.
‘You’re my friend.’ I shrug as if losing my job were no big deal. ‘I could never let someone do what she was doing without saying something. I couldn’t let them talk about you the way they were. I’d have done it for any of my friends. You would have too.’
He nods. ‘I would have.’ We stare across the table at each other.
‘What can I get you two?’
Henry looks up, obviously startled by the waiter. We both order, handing our menus back to the waiter and sitting in silence, looking anywhere but at each other.
‘You need your own website, huh?’ He finally breaks the silence after what seemed like forever but was probably only a few minutes.
‘I guess so.’ I shrug, laughing nervously. ‘Ugh… Henry, I’m in way over my head here. You don’t have to do this and I don’t expect you to do it for free either. I totally realize this is your job. I can pay you, but I don’t have a lot. I really loved my job and I don’t want to go back to being a barista at Starbucks. That would be such a huge backward step. I’d feel like a failure. I want to do something I love so when I said I’d compete with PDX Weekly, I wasn’t really thinking, I ju—’
‘Ambri.’ He stops me from rambling on and on. ‘It’s not a big deal. I want to do this. You deserve your dream job. Please, let me help.’ He opens his laptop, turning it towards me and coming around to my side of the table. ‘Do you mind?’ he asks before he sits.
I shake my head. When his leg touches mine the goosebumps speed all the way from my knee to my brain, immediately activating the butterflies now swirling through my insides.
‘It’s easier if we can both see the screen.’
I nod like a mute fool on the first date of her life. Only this isn’t a date and I should be able to act like the grown woman that I am supposed to be.
‘Did you have a vision for the site?’
‘My vision…’
He leans around his computer, his shoulder brushing against mine, as he reaches for his bag on the table now behind his laptop. His scent hits me like a dagger to the heart. I’ve never been able to forget it. And just like that suddenly the website vision I’d been overthinking all day is completely wiped from my head, replaced with the memory of him and me that night. I can feel his hand on my face, his lips on my own, the butterflies swarming in my chest as he pushed me against the wall, his breath on my skin. Every single emotion I had that night fills every part of me, paralyzing me from speaking or even breathing. I stare down at his laptop, the image of us playing in my head as if it were on the screen right in front of me.
‘Ambri…’ He turns towards me, his hand gently touching mine under the table.
‘Yeah?’ I pull my hand from his, finally coming out of my trance.
‘You OK?’
‘Um, yeah.’ I nod my head a little overly enthusiastic. ‘I’m sorry, what were we talking about?’
Real smooth, Ambri. And here I thought I could have a lunch with him and not make it awkward.
‘Your vision for the site.’ He smiles. An understanding smile as if he knows exactly what happened in my head and how I feel because he’s done it too.
‘Right, my vision for the site.’ I repeat it, hoping that this time it will sink in. I force myself to breathe and not think about the fact that we’re mere inches away from one another. ‘Food and music. I want to write the same kinds of things I was for PDX Weekly but more.’
‘Easy. I can do a site that appears as a split screen, a landing page of sorts where readers will choose between food and music to enter. I can set each section up like a blog so that you can easily update it even when I’m not around.’
‘That sounds good.’ My heart is finally starting to slow from the race it was running. I’ve never had that happen before. I was seriously paralyzed by the memory of us together. It’s not something I never think about, because it won’t stay away like the rest of my feelings. The difference is having him next to me as I relive it seems to be affecting me more than it normally would.
‘Sound Bites? Kind of a play on words…’ he asks, staring at his computer before glancing over to me. ‘For the website name? Sound Bites, for music and food.’
Sound Bites? It’s witty and flows well. I couldn’t have thought of anything more perfect myself and I’ve been trying.
‘You just came up with that?’ I smile. ‘I love it.’
He smiles. ‘It’s what I do.’ He starts tapping his keyboard faster than I can even think right now. He stops typing when our drinks are delivered.
‘You said you wanted to talk today, right?’ He looks over at me, a concerned look on his face.
‘Yeah.’ I nod.
‘Do you mind if I talk first?’
‘Nope.’ I sip my soda through the straw, trying to avoid even a hint of what he’s about to say. If I pretend he only wants to talk about the website, I can’t dread what’s coming next.
‘When I said I needed a new life that night, I really thought not having you around every day would make all the pain I was feeling go away. Nothing else was working and I was at the end of my rope. After we…’ He nods, not saying the words. ‘You know, that night, I felt like I’d ruined the only relationship that meant anything to me. I thought the only thing I could do to make sure I didn’t hurt you anymore was to leave. I thought you’d be better off without me.’
‘We were friends, Henry. I wanted to be there for you. If I’d have been overwhelmed by it, I’d have told you. And you’d never hurt me before. At least not until you left.’
He nods, pinching his lips together in an uncomfortable frown. ‘I was hurting. I couldn’t get out of my own head. I needed help before I did something stupid and I was trying my best to keep that from you.’
My breath catches in my throat. ‘What kind of stupid thing? Me?’ Oh, please don’t tell me I was the stupid thing he did. Literally.
He shakes his head, lowering it towards the table as he hesitantly takes one of my hands in his. ‘God, no. Not you. Depression is a hard thing to fight and sometimes an all too easy thing to hide. It used to hit me out of nowhere. One moment I’d be happy and then there were days where I wanted to end it all and I knew I didn’t want you to keep seeing me like that. You couldn’t have fixed it. I had to fight it myself.’
‘You were gonna…’ The words nearly choke me. ‘Hurt yourself?’ I can barely croak them out.
He squeezes my hand in his, staring down at them now in my lap. He nods. ‘I’ve never told anyone but doctors and therapists this, but there were a couple times where I was scared. I don’t think I could have gone through with it, but I can’t say I never considered it. You were the only thing getting me through. Even when I was in LA.’
I bite my lip to keep back the tears creeping up on me. I grab his hands with both of mine as I turn towards him, holding them tight. ‘Please don’t ever do it, Henry. My heart can’t take it.’
‘I promise.’ He says the words quietly, not looking away from me.
I’ve never felt him hold my hand tighter than right now.
‘Sir…’ The waiter is standing at the table. Two plates in his hands, causing me to pull my hands from Henry just as he does the same. Clearing the table for our food.
This waiter has the worst and best timing. We sit in silence for a minute. He opened up. All the things he probably wished he could have said before, he finally figured out how to say them. I know talking to someone you love seems like it should be an easy thing. Sometimes, though, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Especially if you’re feeling all alone in life. Everybody has secrets; we’re human.
‘Do you still hate me?’ he asks, breaking the silence.
I shake my head, stirring the soup that came with my sandwich. ‘I never actually hated you. I wanted to. Trust me, I really wanted to. I spent a lot of time telling myself I did, I just couldn’t seem to do it.’
‘I can’t even tell you how relieved I am to hear that.’ He laughs as he picks up half his turkey sandwich, putting it on my plate and taking half my grilled cheese.
I try to hide my smile but see him looking at me when I glance over. I missed this. I missed him.
‘I had a lot I wanted to say today,’ I say, now focusing on my food.
He sets down the sandwich in his hands as if he’s ready to listen for hours if need be.
‘I don’t remember any of it.’ I glance over with a small shrug.
He laughs out loud. ‘That’s OK. I’m not going anywhere. You’ve got time. Unless it’s more fighting. I’m kind of hoping we’re over that part. I hate fighting with you.’
‘You and me both.’ I hesitantly laugh. ‘I want to be done with the fighting too.’ I nod, taking a bite of my sandwich and feeling something finally settle in my stomach that isn’t just the amazingly cheesy grilled-cheese sandwich. Something that tells me sitting here with him again, like old times, is the right thing to be doing.
After a few minutes of eating silently he pulls his laptop to the center of the table. ‘So, the website, I’m thinking something like this.’ A site appears with a few clicks. ‘Of course, this is generic, I’ll customize everything, but it’s the general idea of a landing page with two site entries. It’ll be really easy to use and update. You won’t even need my help.’
Sure. Won’t even need his help. Because I’ve never tried to burn down my apartment building by not being able to figure out how to use my digital oven and I’ve never had to get a new laptop because I basically bricked the old one, completely stumping even the IT guy at work, who insisted that the kind of virus I had was one usually found in porn. Which, trust me, I was not surfing.
‘Um… I’ve had to have Claire reset my phone because I had it totally frozen for two days. You know how she fixed it that was a complete mystery to me?’
‘She turned it off and back on?’
I nod, completely embarrassed. ‘I didn’t even know how to turn it off.’ I’m so totally technologically stunted that it’s not even funny. ‘I’d say it’s pretty safe to assume I’ll be calling you for help.’
‘That’s OK too.’
Another moment of silence. He’s preparing himself for me to not need him once the site is up and I’m preparing him for the fact that I might. I’m not sure either one of us are really talking about the website.
‘How long have you been with Noah?’
‘Almost a year.’
‘How’d you guys meet? You get arrested?’ He laughs.
‘No.’ I laugh. ‘A cake tried to burn down my apartment.’
He bellows out a contagious laugh.
‘Ah… totally you. See, that’s a knight-in-shining-armor moment. Not that Band-Aid thing that Karmen used to go on and on about.’
‘He didn’t exactly carry me from a burning building. He just knew how to use the fire extinguisher.’ What am I doing? Why am I playing it down? He was a hero that day, no matter the exact circumstances.
‘It counts.’ He looks from me to the laptop. ‘Moving in together, huh?’
I feel weird having this conversation. Something doesn’t feel right.
‘I think so?’
He glances over at me, a single eyebrow raised. ‘You’re not sure? It sounded like it was set in stone the other day. Is moving in with him what you want?’ He forces an obviously uncomfortable smile as he pauses. ‘Are you happy with him?’ He stops typing and looks at me, his eyes pleading for me to give him an answer I’m not sure I can give.
‘I, uh – I don’t know anymore.’
‘I don’t want to push, Ambri, and your relationship is none of my business. I know that. Please know that you can always talk to me. About anything. Like you used to.’
I pick at my nail polish and stare down at my still-half-full plate. ‘I can’t talk to you about this. You’re part of the reason I don’t know what I feel for him anymore. My heart is more than conflicted, Henry.’
Henry nods, all emotion draining from his face. I watch as he forces a smile. ‘All I want for you is for you to be happy. If you are, I support whatever you do.’
‘Thanks.’
I know I told Claire I wasn’t sure how I felt for Noah anymore. But right now, I really like what I’m feeling sitting next to Henry. Because of that, how I feel for Noah is becoming more and more clear.
I distract myself with my sandwich, not really wanting to talk about Noah and I at all, right now. I feel good sitting next to Henry again, like a piece of me isn’t still missing as it has been. I glance over at him, hoping he doesn’t notice. His attention is on his food but he looks happier than I’ve seen him in a while. Almost like the Henry I used to know. I smile to myself, swallowing down the bite I just took and turn towards him. ‘I’m glad you’re back. It might be hard for me to admit, but I’ve missed doing this with you.’
His smile grows into one I know is real. ‘I’ve missed doing everything with you, Ambri.’