Noah should be here any second. We agreed we needed to talk, but I can’t just talk; I have to break up with him. I’m in love with Henry. So much it scares me.
‘Hey.’ He opens the door after knocking, something he never does.
‘Hi.’ I walk over to him in the living room, leaving the box I was unpacking in the kitchen.
We both stand in the middle of my front room, silently. Looking anywhere but at each other.
‘I um…’ I take a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. ‘I can’t do this anymore.’
He nods, sighing out a breath as if he’s relieved to hear me say it. ‘Me neither.’
‘We worked for a while, but I think, no, I know I’ve never really let you in and I’m sorry.’ I watch his face for any kind of sign as to what he’s feeling as I speak. I decided not to beat around the bush and say what I feel. Like tearing off a Band-Aid, so to speak.
‘Remember the other night when I mentioned I suggested moving in together for the wrong reasons?’
I nod. I wasn’t really sure where he was going with that. I guess I’m about to.
Noah sits on the coffee table. He stares down at the floor for a moment before looking up at me. ‘I was engaged before I met you. Actually, she was wearing the gown and I was wearing the tuxedo. At that moment where the priest was waiting for me to say I do, I said ‘I can’t,’ and I walked out on my own wedding. Suddenly I couldn’t do it.’
My mouth drops open. ‘Noah!’
‘I know. It’s awful. But I met you the next day and you seemed like the perfect distraction. Someone who clearly didn’t really want anything serious. In fact, you said that, do you remember?’
I nod. I did say that. Every time I would run into him I’d tell him I wasn’t ready for anything serious, dating exclusively included.
‘I don’t know how I let it go this far.’
‘Wow,’ I say, shocked to hear that he has a past like this. I never would have guessed it.
‘When I suggested we move in together, I’d just found out that she was engaged again. Man, that hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Especially considering it was to a friend of mine. Me asking you to move in together was my way of seeming like I had my life together too. I knew it would get back to her and, even though I’d already broken her heart, I wanted her to feel what I felt finding out she was moving on with one of my friends. But she didn’t deserve that, it was more my pride being hurt and I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t love her, that’s why I ran out of the wedding. God, I feel like I’ve lost my mind here. I shouldn’t have dragged you into my issues.’
I sit on the bar stool behind me, stunned to hear this from him. I shake my head. ‘I didn’t even know you had issues.’
‘I worked really hard so that you wouldn’t. You never asked about my past. So, that made it too easy to keep a secret.’
‘I never asked about your past because I didn’t want to talk about mine.’
‘I know. Watching you change since Henry’s been back, showed me that we were together for the wrong reasons. We both needed someone to distract us from hurt. We did that for a little while, didn’t we?’ He smiles but it’s half-hearted.
‘We did.’ I nod.
‘I’m sorry I never told you any of this. I should have.’
‘Believe it or not, I kind of get it.’
He bites his lips together. ‘I’m also sorry that I went to see Henry today. I might have taken out my frustrations of realizing all this on him. He’s doing what I probably should have done with Megan, but I didn’t. I was a coward when it came to her and that pissed me off to see Henry working his way in with you when he didn’t really deserve another chance.’
‘What?’
He nods, his lips pinched as he stands from the table. ‘I hit him.’
‘You hit him?’ That’s what the bump over his eye was. Why wouldn’t he tell me that? ‘Why?’
‘Because if I lost you, I’d have to face my own past. Which I probably should have done a long time ago anyway.’
I nod, completely in shock over his secret. I laugh to myself, because that’s what I do when I don’t know how to react to things.
‘What?’ he asks.
‘I just…’ I laugh, making Noah smile. ‘I never saw any of this coming. I always pictured you as this innocent guy who’d never done anything wrong and now I learn that you ran out on a wedding and you hit my best friend. You’re a madman, Noah.’
He laughs with me. ‘Not even a little bit. You have no idea how glad I was that he didn’t hit me back.’
I finally stand from the stool I’m sitting on and walk towards him. ‘What are your plans now?’
He shrugs. ‘Well… I need to finish paying for the wedding. Her dad decided, since I was the one who ran, that I would be the one to pay for everything. Besides that, I don’t know yet. I should probably finally apologize to her.’
I nod. ‘That’s rough.’
‘You have no idea.’ He laughs, standing from the table and heading towards my front door. ‘I should probably go.’ He opens the door, stopping and turning towards me. ‘I’m sorry I never told you any of this. You deserve to be happy, Ambri. If Henry does that for you, I’m glad.’
‘I think he does.’ The grin on my face grows. ‘I know he does, actually.’
‘Good. Well, if you ever need me to save you from baking a cake or whatever, you know my number.’
‘911?’ I laugh but a piece of me is the tiniest bit sad for Noah. I was so focused on my own issues I never even noticed that he had his own.
‘See ya later, Ambri.’
I wave, watching him close the door and feeling… relieved? That did not go how I thought it was going to go. Whether Henry had come back or not, Noah and I would have never made it based on what I just heard.
*
Claire knocks on my front door as she opens it. I called her after Noah left. I need to talk through some things before I end up talking to Henry again. He was right the other day at The Bite of Oregon when he said I was his person. There is no denying it at this point.
‘You guys broke up?’
‘Yeah.’ I nod, a slight smile on my face. ‘Turns out Noah had his own shit going on under the surface.’ I’m still shocked even thinking about everything he said. ‘And he confronted Henry earlier.’
‘I know…’ Claire sits next to me, her eyes wide. ‘Ben told me all about it.’
‘I’m in love with him, Claire. Totally and completely in a way that doesn’t feel anything like before.’
‘I know that too.’ Claire laughs.
‘What if he runs away again? What if things get bad and he gets depressed again?’ That’s my fear now. That somehow, I won’t be enough at some point and he’ll run from me when things get tough.
‘He’s faced a lot of his demons recently. I know he’ll probably never completely be rid of them, but I think he’s really grown through all this.’
I don’t want to ask this next question but I’m afraid if I don’t, it’ll always be there, haunting me when I least expect it.
‘Do you think Rory would hate me?’ It’s a question I’ve been asking myself since I slept with him. I never intended to fall in love with my best friend, the guy she dated all those years ago, and if she were still here I’m sure it never would have happened.
*
I walk into her hospital room the day after she asked Henry to get married as her last thing to do before she passed. I struggled at home last night. Henry slept over, sleeping on my couch. Neither of us wanted to be alone but I couldn’t sleep so I wrote her a letter. All the things I wanted to say to her, but I couldn’t seem to say out loud.
‘Hey,’ I say as I walk in.
‘Hi.’ She smiles, a smile I know I’ll forever miss.
‘I wrote this to you. I… I can’t find the words to say it out loud.’ I hand her the folded paper and crawl up on her bed, sitting next to her. She unfolds it and reaches out for my hand as she reads silently.
She never sheds a tear as she reads. I, on the other hand, cry the entire time. She folds the letter when she’s done and turns towards me.
‘I love you more than anyone else on the planet, Ambri. We are sisters for eternity. Even death won’t change that. I’ll always be with you. No matter where you go you’ll always take me with you.’ She wraps her arms around me, holding me as tight as I’m holding her. ‘I know you’ll be great at everything you do in life. And when you think of me, just know, that’s me always cheering you on from wherever I am.’
I can’t even speak. I sit with her crying for what seems like forever until finally I have to go home and pull myself together.
As I leave her room she calls my name. I turn, the sun shining behind her as it sets. She looks the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her. She tears up this time. I bite my lip to keep back any more tears.
‘Don’t lose your way because of this, Ambri. Do everything you want to do in life. I only ask for one favor.’
‘Anything,’ I say.
‘Don’t let this come between you and Henry. He was yours way before he was ever mine. You guys have so much history. I know he tries to be strong, but he needs you. And I know you need him. I want you guys to be happy.’ She smiles, never letting the tears fall, as I nod, unable to speak. ‘I love you.’
‘I love you too, Rory. Forever.’
*
‘I think that Rory would be so proud of you, Ambri.’ Claire tears up. ‘You know I hate talking about this, but I know she’d want you both to be happy. She could never hate you.’
‘Thanks.’ I know she’s right. But sometimes it helps to hear it come from someone else.
*
I’ve been lying awake all night. Staring at the ceiling wondering whether I should call him or not. I glance at my phone again: two in the morning. He’s probably asleep. Oh, who cares what time it is? I have to call him. I grab my phone and dial his number. He answers on the first ring.
‘Noah was the one who hit you,’ I say when he answers, not even letting him speak.
He sighs. ‘He told you?’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
He’s silent for a moment. ‘Because I deserved it. He had every right to hit me. I’m in love with his girlfriend.’
I gasp when he says love, present tense. I knew this was headed to this place, but hearing him say it is overwhelming.
‘Will you run again if things get bad?’
‘I should have been a better man back then, Ambri. I’ve worked my ass off since I’ve been back to be exactly that. I’ve fought through my demons and, for now, I’ve won. I can’t promise you there will never be another dark day. I can only promise that I want you there if it happens. I want you with me every day.’
I take a deep breath, lying with my head on my pillow and my eyes closed. ‘I’m not Noah’s girlfriend anymore. We broke up.’
‘Claire told me. I’m sorry.’
‘We might need to get some new friends… ones that don’t repeat every single thing we say.’ I laugh nervously.
‘You might be right.’ Henry matches my laugh.
‘You’re my person, Henry.’
I can almost hear him smile. ‘I am. And I’ll prove it every single day.’
‘See you tomorrow.’
‘Goodnight, Ambri.’
I hang up the phone, a feeling of relief finally settling through me.