“So tell me about the search-and-rescue training.” Damon set the plate he’d just dried on top of the stack on the counter.
Luka plunged another dish into the sink and glanced at him. “You think that’s something you might want to do?” He and Damon were doing the mountain of dishes Kyn had created, while the maker of the mess stretched out on the couch in front of the fire, dozing.
“I’m not sure,” Damon said, “but I’d like to learn about all the options before I have to make a decision. Whatever I do, I’d like to help people.”
“Yeah?” A week ago, Luka’s reply would have been biting and sarcastic, because the idea of Shiv wanting to help people would never have crossed his mind. Now, however, he considered Damon’s request for information, and thought about how best to lay it out for him.
In the days since his talk with Jaana, Luka had been working hard to focus on the man in front of him rather than the man he remembered, and once he’d managed to set aside Shiv’s ghost, he found that he actually liked Damon. Could even imagine himself becoming friends with him.
It was too damned easy, really, because Damon was nothing like Shiv, and it was getting to the point where talking to the guy didn’t even feel like a betrayal of his younger self. Sometimes he even forgot their shared history and only saw Damon.
“What happened to you — and to me — in Riga… shouldn’t have,” Damon said. “Wouldn’t have, if someone had been there to help us. There ought to be psions on staff at all the psych hospitals in the Federation.”
“Wouldn’t have helped me none,” Luka said with a shrug. “I never set foot inside a psych hospital. My Ma might have. She was in and out of jail and rehab when I was a kid. She was a riptide addict, so I’m guessing my psi came from her.”
“And your father?”
“Who knows? She never told me nothing. She was whoring to feed her habit, so she probably didn’t know, either.”
Damon winced. “Sorry,” he said, reaching out to touch Luka’s hand. “Didn’t mean to bring up a sore point.”
Luka didn’t jerk away like he would have a week ago. “It is what it is, man. Had to go there to get here, and I kind of like where I am now, you know?” He turned back to the dishes, but he could feel Damon’s eyes on him as he continued to scrub at one of the pots. He could feel Damon’s tension, too, almost crackling in the air between them.
It had been like that ever since he’d taken Damon for that frosty, early morning walk. Damon had been quiet and moody for a couple of days after. Luka hadn’t bothered to try to analyze it. He figured Damon was still upset about the history Luka had shared with him, and needed time to process it all.
Now, though, he wasn’t so sure. This tension had a different edge to it than the fear-laced anxiety that had filled Damon when he’d first arrived. This felt more like attraction. And maybe a hint of regret.
He’d felt the weight of those pale grey eyes upon him far more often than he was comfortable with in the week since that walk, and he’d often glance up to find Damon staring at him.
Much as Luka didn’t want to think about it, Damon was clearly attracted to him.
Part of Luka wished the guy would just get his damn memory back already. Shiv had hated him, and once Damon remembered that, any interest he thought he had in Luka would be gone.
Another part of him fervently hoped Shiv would stay buried as deep as he seemed to be.
“So you like doing search-and-rescue ops?” Damon’s voice cut through his thoughts and jerked him back to the dishes. And to that burning sense of attraction that he couldn’t possibly ignore, now that he’d properly identified it.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve only done the one… and it… didn’t exactly turn out the way I expected it to.”
Damon fell silent and paid close attention to the glass he was wiping.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Luka said quickly. “I just meant… I haven’t been doing it long enough to really know. That trip to Torron was field training. I ain’t been out on my own yet. And… and going back to Riga was tough all by itself.”
“How long does the training take? You’ve been here for over three years, haven’t you?”
“Yeah, but I had a lot of catching up to do.” Luka kept his eyes on the pot he was scrubbing. “I didn’t get much of an education in Riga. I didn’t even know how to read when I came here.” He risked a glance at Damon, who had stopped wiping and was staring at him, wide-eyed.
“That must have been hard,” Damon said slowly. “I can’t even imagine not knowing how to read. It’s always been my favorite thing to do. My mother used to read to me every night before bed, even… even right before… before the accident. She’d… she’d do the voices and everything. She could make even the dullest tales come alive.” He blinked and his eyes grew bright.
“I’m sorry, man,” Luka mumbled.
“It’s all right,” Damon whispered. “It’s been twelve years. I just… it hits me sometimes. It still feels like it was only a few weeks ago. And then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or I hear my own voice sounding so much deeper than it should…”
He was still grieving. No matter that he might have already done his grieving and come to terms with it years ago, the man standing next to him didn’t remember any of that.
“It’s okay, man.” Luka put his own hand on Damon’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Tell you what, you go sit with Kyn. Or go up to your room if you need to be alone. I’ll finish up here, and I’ll make some hot cocoa when I’m done.”
Damon set down the glass and the towel. “Thank you,” he whispered as he turned away.
Luka stared after him, and told himself firmly that the fluttery feeling in his stomach was just nerves.
* * *
“…and they all lived happily ever after,” Damon read, “except for the evil step-mother, who was sent to the palace laundry, and spent the rest of her days washing and ironing the prince’s socks.” He swiped his finger across the control panel to close the book, and set the slate down on the coffee table.
Luka was laughing, great big belly laughs, with his head thrown back. Kyn, too, looked amused as he watched Luka. When Luka finally got control of himself, he gave Damon a wicked grin. “Loved your voice for the step-mother, man. That was awesome. And the frog. The frog sidekick totally stole the show.”
Damon returned the grin. Luka’s smile was warm and relaxed, and it showed not just in his eyes, but in his whole body. The effect was devastating. It sent a bolt of hot desire through Damon, and he had to remind himself not to stare.
“You should be on the stage,” Kyn said. “I’d have paid money to listen to that performance.”
Heat washed over his face at the praise, and he ducked his head, silently thanking Kyn for tearing his focus away from Luka before Luka noticed his scrutiny. “It’s… just something Mother and I used to do. Once I was old enough to read, we’d take turns. She was always far more entertaining than I, though. She was an actress, and she had the most amazing voice.”
“Wish I’d had somebody to read to me when I was a kid,” Luka said wistfully. “I didn’t even know people did that for fun until I came here. It sure ain’t the first thing that comes to mind when I’m thinking about what to do on my days off.”
“What do you like to do, then?” Damon asked, pleased that the conversation had turned in such a way that he might be able to get Luka talking about himself. While Luka had been a lot less hostile lately, he still didn’t say much beyond his usual nervous chatter, and Damon was itching to learn more about him. Questioning Kyn didn’t seem fair or right, so he’d been biding his time, waiting for those rare moments when Luka seemed to forget the history that lay between them and would open up, however briefly, and share some nugget about his past.
Damon hoarded those nuggets like special treats, because all too soon, a shadow would cross Luka’s face, and he’d close up again.
“Goblin Alliance,” Luka said, without hesitation.
Kyn groaned. “Please. Please don’t get him started.”
“Best. Game. Ever.” Luka grinned at Kyn. “Just because I always end up rescuing your sorry ass is no reason to be mean.” Those pale green eyes met Damon’s, sparkling with mischief and setting a swarm of butterflies loose in his stomach. “Kyn don’t like to admit it, but he sucks at Goblin Alliance.”
“That sounds like a challenge, little brother,” Kyn said, returning Luka’s grin.
“You are on. I’ll crush you like a bug. Tomorrow night?”
“Better make it the night after,” Kyn said. “I’m running Damon out to campus tomorrow for his session with Jaana. I’ll be meeting with Cam all day. You’re welcome to join us, but Cam and I are planning a working meeting, so it’ll probably run late, and I think Damon already has plans, don’t you?”
“I do,” Damon said. “Rhys and Alek invited me to dinner and to spend the evening until Kyn’s done. Rhys is cooking, and I’ve been told I don’t want to miss that.”
“Rhys is amazing in the kitchen,” Luka said. “He cooks for himself and Alek most of the time. You hardly ever see those two down in the dining room, except maybe for lunch once in a while.” He turned to Kyn. “I’ll just stick around here tomorrow. There’s a new mod-pack for Goblin Alliance I want to try, and I don’t have another session with Jaana until she comes out here later in the week. But as long as you’re gonna be on the campus, you should stop by the kitchen and see if Carla’s got any chocolate chip cookies to spare. If you tell her they’re for me, she’ll find some.”
The conversation turned to food, with Luka singing the praises of Carla’s chocolate chip cookies and Kyn agreeing that they were the best thing ever.
When Damon finally climbed the stairs to his room, it was with the feeling that he and Luka had made a lot of progress, especially in the last few days. He hoped it would continue. He was starting to like Luka a lot. More than a lot.
Knowing that Luka would never feel the same way about him was painful, and he tried not to think about it.
* * *
“… and it definitely feels like things are getting a lot easier. He doesn’t glare at me anymore, and he’s started joining in when Kyn and I play cards. He even laughs sometimes, if I say something funny. Or, you know, something stupid.” Damon paused to take a sip of the heavily doctored coffee in front of him. He’d decided that Luka was right; the only way to enjoy coffee involved a lot of chocolate and whipped cream.
“I can’t tell you how pleased I am to hear that,” Jaana said, her smile broadening. “Kyn said Luka was making an effort, but I didn’t realize he’d come so far in such a short amount of time.”
Damon nodded. “Things are a lot more comfortable than they were. It doesn’t feel like he’s about to bolt if I just look at him the wrong way.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear the tension is easing. What about the dreams?”
“I… still have them, but… I’m not sure about the context anymore. I… Luka told me some things that make me think that what I’m seeing in the dreams is only part of the story.”
“Oh?”
“I mean… I see things, and they seem one way, but then Luka says something, and I realize that I’m only seeing bits and pieces, and I can’t… I don’t have a clue what they mean. It’s all locked away in here.” He tapped his head.
“What kinds of things?”
Damon flushed and turned his gaze to the window. The trees outside the Institute’s dining room reached their bare, black fingers up into a cloudy sky. There had been frost a few mornings, but no snow yet. Damon was waiting anxiously for that; he was eager to experience his first snowfall.
When he glanced back at Jaana, she was still watching him expectantly. “It feels… wrong to share that,” he said quietly, feeling the need to explain. “I mean, you probably already know Luka’s past, but… it feels like I’d be betraying his confidence to tell you. If that makes sense.”
“It does, and that’s pretty much what I expected you to say. I told you when we started these sessions that my primary purpose here is to help you adjust to your situation. If you’re satisfied with how your relationship with Luka is progressing, that’s good enough for me. You seem more comfortable, and that’s what’s important.” She sipped her tea, then said quietly, “Have you given any more thought to digging deeper into those dreams of yours, maybe trying to uncover the memories that might give you the context you’re lacking?”
“No,” he said flatly. “I mean… yes, I’ve thought about it, and no, I don’t want to pursue it. I… don’t think I want to know about my past anymore. If it’s as bad as Luka says…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “I want to leave Shiv — whoever he is — in the past, and move forward from here.” He didn’t want to have to tell her the reasoning behind that decision. Jaana might not understand how he felt about Luka, and he wasn’t sure what she’d do with the information if she had it. So he fell silent rather than give voice to his fears.
But he couldn’t stop them from running through his head the way they did every time he looked at Luka.
If his memories returned, would he become Shiv?
How could two people as different as Shiv and Damon exist in the same head? And where would the line be between what Damon wanted and what Shiv wanted?
Would he go right back to hurting Luka, regardless of what he now felt?
The thought of it made his chest hurt and his eyes burn.
“Damon.” Jaana’s voice was gentle, and she reached across the table to lay a hand upon his. “I’m not going to try to push you into anything you’re not ready for, but I do want you to understand that choosing not to pursue your past isn’t a guarantee that it won’t ever come back. Ignoring it won’t make it go away, and I’d much rather see you deal with it here, where I can help you, than have something trigger the return of your memories a few years from now, when you’re out on your own somewhere, far away from a therapist who’s familiar with you.”
“I… I’ll think about it,” he said faintly. But Damon knew he wouldn’t. His mind was already made up. A thing that had the potential to cause Luka pain was not a thing he wanted to pursue.
If mind-wiping was the only way to truly destroy Shiv, maybe he should consider it.
Except… it wouldn’t just destroy Shiv. It would destroy Damon, and along with him, all the things Damon felt for Luka.
* * *
Luka focused on the large vid-screen opposite the couch he and Kyn were sitting on. From the kitchen, he could hear Damon banging things around; he’d volunteered to finish the supper dishes while Luka and Kyn started their challenge game, but a few minutes ago, the delicious smell of baking cookies had filled the air. It was making Luka’s stomach growl, even though he’d only finished dinner a short time ago.
“Come on, move it,” Kyn said as he waited for Luka’s character to catch up to his. “Those goblins are right on your skinny ass.”
“I’m going as fast as I can,” Luka grumbled. “You’re playing a damn elf. Your base movement’s a hell of a lot higher than mine.”
“Base movement, my ass.” He heard the grin in Kyn’s voice, but dared not tear his eyes from the screen to return it. “You could move just as fast if you weren’t carrying so much shit. We’re going to lose this thing because you have to keep stopping to pick up every shiny piece of crap you come across.”
“If I didn’t, we’d be totally out of healing potions by now,” Luka said. “See if I share when those goblin archers turn your ass into a pincushion.”
“If they do, it’ll be your fault for slowing me down. Who the hell needs five flaming swords?”
“Hey, those suckers are worth a thousand gold each.”
“Not if you’re dead,” Kyn muttered.
“Um… Kyn? Luka? I made cookies. If… if you want some.”
Luka glanced up to see Damon standing by the couch, a plate piled high with cookies in his hand.
“Thanks, Damon.” Kyn shot Luka an unreadable look as he paused the game.
Damon handed him the plate and turned back to the kitchen. Kyn offered it to Luka first. It was piled high with chocolate chip cookies, and they were still warm, the chocolate all melted and gooey, just the way Luka liked them. He couldn’t resist. He took one and bit into it, closing his eyes in bliss as the rich, sweet flavor of the chocolate rolled over his tongue.
“Oh, God… these are fantastic…”
“Here, I got you some milk, too.”
Luka opened his eyes to see Damon standing before him again, offering him a glass of cold milk. How the hell had he known to do that? “Um… thanks, man.” He accepted the glass and took a drink, trying not to think about why Damon had chosen to spend the last half hour making Luka’s favorite food in the entire world.
“Nice job, Damon,” Kyn said around a mouthful. “Anyone would think you’d done this before.”
Damon flushed scarlet. “I… had a little help. I went to visit Carla in the kitchen yesterday after my session with Jaana. She was in the middle of making a batch when I got there, and she let me help, and gave me some pointers.”
“Well, since you did all the work baking them,” Kyn said, “I’ll volunteer for cleanup duty. Have a seat. Maybe get Luka to show you how to play Goblin Alliance.”
A week ago, Luka would have been annoyed at Kyn for trying to push them together. Now, he just handed Damon the controller Kyn had been using. Damon accepted it gingerly and sat down, making sure to keep some space between them.
“Don’t think this gets you out of the challenge,” Luka told Kyn as he walked away. He grabbed another cookie and said to Damon, “We’ll start a new game. You ever play before?”
“No.” Damon examined the controller, frowning. “Grandfather didn’t allow games on his entertainment system. He said they were a waste of time.”
“Oh, man, seriously? You’ve never played anything? You are in for a treat. The VR version’s a hell of a lot better, but Cam won’t put a VR system out here. Says he can’t justify the expense just for me and Kyn. There’s one back on campus, though.”
Damon watched intently as Luka started a new game. “First you gotta build your character,” Luka told him. “After that, it’s easier to show you than tell you, so we’ll go through the tutorial game. That covers pretty much everything you need to know.”
“Including which shiny things to pick up?” Damon asked with a sly grin.
Luka couldn’t help but return the grin. “Nah, that’s entirely a matter of intelligence,” he said loud enough for Kyn to hear. “The smart player picks up as much of the good stuff as he can carry. That way he doesn’t run out of healing potions in the middle of battle.”
“That’s assuming he’s not too loaded down to reach the battle before it’s over,” Kyn shot back.
Damon laughed.
“Hey, I always get there in plenty of time to loot the dead,” Luka told him. “That’s called strategy, Kyn. You’ll notice it ain’t me that has to be healed every five minutes.”
He took another cookie.
“You really like the cookies?” Damon asked. “You’re not just saying that?”
“Every bit as good as Carla’s,” Luka said. “And that’s a compliment coming from me.” He glanced up and found Damon’s pale grey eyes fixed on him. For one frozen moment, Luka felt almost as if he were drowning. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t look away.
Damon looked away first, cheeks flushing as he lowered his eyes to stare at the game controller in his hand. “So, um… what do I do?”
Relieved to have something else to focus on, Luka dove into an explanation of the various character classes, and they were soon playing the first of the tutorials and taking frequent cookie breaks.
Damon’s enthusiasm for the game was contagious, and he caught on quickly. It felt like only minutes had passed before Kyn was saying goodnight and heading up to bed. Knowing how easily sound traveled between the cabin’s floors, Luka shut the game down, promising Damon they could continue tomorrow.
Upstairs, in his own room, he burrowed under the covers and tried to think of something other than Damon’s smiles of delight as he began to understand how the game was played. Tried not to think about how his eyes had sparkled with excitement as he’d fought his first battle and emerged victorious.
In the middle of the night, Luka woke from a dream in which Damon looked at him with eyes on fire, and took him in his arms and stroked him to heaven and back. Blood pounded in his ears and filled his cock. His body was slick with sweat and he wanted with a fierceness he’d never felt before.
He fumbled in the drawer of his nightstand for the little bottle of lube he kept for occasions like this. A few drops in his palm, and he slipped his hand into his shorts and stroked himself.
It felt so damn good he had to bite his lip to keep from crying out. He ran his palm down his cock, slicking himself up, then closed his fingers and thrust up into his hand with a low groan.
Heat and need built until his whole body burned. He bucked his hips, thrusting harder and faster into his closed fist. When he came, it was Damon’s face he saw against the darkness of closed eyes, and Damon’s name he cried into his pillow.