Willow was warmly greeted at the police chief’s birthday party, but it would have been so much easier if she hadn’t been. She tried to keep a genuine smile on her face, but it kept slipping. Being back in Tahoe was a mixed bag of emotions. She loved the four distinct seasons. Loved the scent of the trees and the mountains, and the lake she’d practically lived in as a kid.
But she also felt . . . well, embarrassed. She’d left here seven years ago with Shayne, barely a penny to their names, determined to make something of themselves and come back more successful than when they’d left. Shayne had definitely succeeded.
She had not.
She was a logical person, a relatively smart person. She had goals. She wanted to run her own company, and she wanted to be her own boss. But she hadn’t achieved either of those things. And yes, fine, she blamed Shayne. One, for moving them around as he kept getting promoted, and two, for agreeing with her years ago, each having been barely raised or wanted by their respective parents, that they never wanted kids. They wouldn’t know how to be good parents, they’d said, and had bonded over that.
Only she’d turned thirty this year, and . . . well, the thought of being a mom no longer brought on a full-blown panic attack.
Just half of one.
The thing was, when you were twenty and had goals you hadn’t achieved, whatever. There was plenty of time.
But at thirty, it felt like she had a whole lot less time.
It didn’t help that Luna seemed to have met her goals. It wasn’t a contest, she knew this, but Luna managed the farm and was basically the boss. Plus, she’d hired Willow, which felt a whole lot like a pity job. Willow loved her, loved her so damn much, and she was so incredibly proud of her, but she couldn’t handle being pitied.
She’d hoped, so badly, to get a promotion . . .
All around her, people were laughing and chatting, and as she half listened to their banter and stories, she realized everyone had grown up and gone on with their lives while she’d been gone. They were all in a good place.
And she was in the same old place where she’d been when she’d left. Feeling a little bit lonely even though it had been her own idea, she turned to go and—
—Bumped into a man in a firefighter T-shirt and jeans. For a beat, they did the awkward dance where both of them tried to avoid a collision.
Finally, he laughed and slid his hands familiarly to her hips, giving her a zing of awareness she hadn’t had since the last time her husband—er, her estranged husband—had touched her. She drew a deep breath as her heart constricted hard. “What are you doing here?”
Shayne smiled. “I was invited, same as you. Still trying to make the connections with everyone here. Go big or go home, right?”
“Do not underestimate my willingness to go home. It’s literally my only goal at all times.”
Shayne smiled. And he smelled good. And then there was how he was looking at her, which made her forget why she was mad at him in the first place. He’d always had that effect on her.
“It’s good to see you, Wills.” His eyes were soaking her up, same as hers. “Maybe I could buy you a drink.”
He said this in his bedroom voice. And his eyes were his bedroom eyes, and damn. It melted her bones. So she locked her traitorous knees and jabbed a finger into his chest. “Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“Trying to charm me out of my clothes.”
That earned her a full-out grin. “Is it working?”
She blew out a breath. Yes, though she’d die before admitting it. “Look, we’ve talked about this. Sure, we were high school sweethearts, but people change.”
“I haven’t.”
She gave him a get-real look. “We’ve both changed. It used to be I was happy letting you job hop to get the time and experience you needed to land the promotion and the job of your heart. And you did it, you’re now interim captain and I’m happy for you. Really happy . . . but I didn’t realize it would be at the expense of me, Shayne. I’ve not been able to get anywhere in a job because we never stayed long enough.”
He looked over the crowd for a moment, then back to her. “You know exactly why I left the Swift Water Rescue team in New Mexico for this job.”
She did. Swift Water Rescue was like Special Forces. They were specifically and brutally trained, and it was extremely dangerous. Shayne lost two firefighters from his unit last year, and the job nearly killed him as well, which in turn had given her nightmares. Losing him had become one of her biggest fears, and he’d clearly taken her fears very seriously. “I know,” she said softly.
“Then you also know that I heard you when you said you couldn’t handle me staying in such a dangerous job. I willingly made the change because it makes sense for us.”
“But we’re not an ‘us.’”
He shifted a little nearer, bowing his head close to hers. “No matter if we get back together or not, we’re always going to be an us in some form.”
She refused to be moved. Not when he’d revised their history slightly. “We both know the real problem. You were offered an interim captain position in New Mexico, where we were already settled. You turned it down, but then took the exact same job in Sunrise Cove.” She shook her head. “That sucked for me, Shayne, and worse, you made the decision for the both of us.”
“But we both always wanted to get back here, and thanks to the job, it happened.”
“Are you not hearing me on purpose?” she asked. “We’re back here because you made the decision, accepting the job without talking with me first. I loved where we were, and I’d just started my own landscaping business—which I had to give up. For you. Just another of my dreams gone to dust.”
His eyes softened with regret. “But you’ve got a great job with Luna now, and you’ve always wanted to work together.”
“Yes, great, my best friend gave me a pity job, whatever. There’s not much flexibility or a lot of options.” She paused. “Silas didn’t leave any word on a promotion for me.”
“Ah, Wills, I’m so sorry.” His voice was low, agonized as he tenderly squeezed her hips. “More sorry than I can say. I didn’t realize how you felt—”
“Because you didn’t want to.”
“Because you don’t often tell me your real feelings,” he corrected gently. “And no, I can’t guess them. I’ve tried. I honestly thought coming back here would make you happy. Can you try to believe that?”
She blew out a breath, hating that Luna had been right. She didn’t like to talk about her feelings. In fact, she hated her feelings. Hated that she felt so irrational all the time. Shaking her head, she said, “I’m sorry too, but I don’t know if we belong together anymore. We’ve grown apart, Shayne, and want different things.”
His eyes registered surprise. And hurt. “You sure about that?”
She realized she had one hand on his chest, the other on his arm. Dammit. Yanking her hands back, she looked around, realizing that several pairs of eyes were on them. “I don’t want to talk about this in here.”
He gave a nod, though she knew he didn’t care what anyone thought. But he led her outside, where they ended up just off the cobblestone walkway between the tavern and the bakery, tucked in a corner under a tall pine tree. She looked up. As far as evenings went, it was a doozy. Just past sunset, which meant the sky was stunning, streaked with shades of purple, red, and orange, all set against a backdrop of staggeringly tall, majestic mountains.
Straightening, she met Shayne’s eyes, hooded now, not giving away any of his thoughts. There was a time when she could’ve easily guessed what was going on in his mind, but he was getting surprisingly good at hiding himself from her, and had been from the day she’d moved out of their little home four months ago, two months after they’d come back to Tahoe.
Shortly thereafter he’d begun staying at the firehouse so she could have their home, because he was a good man. Probably this would be less painful if he wasn’t. With a sigh, she leaned back against the tree.
Pressing into her a little bit, making her body hum with anticipation, he braced a hand on the trunk beside her shoulder. “So. Let’s talk.”
Willow was suddenly realizing she didn’t want to talk at all, inside or outside. She wanted something else entirely. So she went up on tiptoes and kissed him, and for one heart-stopping beat, his mouth clung to hers. But then it was gone. When she opened her eyes, she saw that he’d taken a step back. “What?”
He gave a slow headshake. “Every time we do this, I think we’re back together and it confuses me.”
She drew a deep breath. Okay, so they’d had a few breakup sexcapades. “I’m not trying to confuse you. I just still feel . . .” She searched for the right word. “Messed up. My brain needs more time.”
His eyes never left hers. His hand, back on her hip, tightened slightly, his thumb making a lazy sweep that set off a whole bunch of reactions inside. “And your body?”
She flashed what she hoped was a sexy smile and not a needy one. “Needs you.”
He dropped his head and studied his shoes for a moment, then tilted his face up to the sky as if searching for words.
“It’s not like we haven’t slept together since we broke up,” she said.
He gave a rough laugh. “We’re not sleeping together, Willow. Every time you look at me with those sexy amber eyes, we fall into bed. But not for sleep.”
“We don’t always fall into bed. Last time it was the supply shed behind the fire station. The time before that was in your truck when we went up to Hidden Falls so you could check on something for work.”
He went to open his mouth and she kissed him again. He groaned against her lips, a big, warm hand sliding to the back of her neck, his fingers tangling in her hair as he took over the kiss, which she didn’t mind at all since he was so good at it.
“Shit,” he muttered when they broke apart for air, dropping his forehead to hers. “We’re going to do this, aren’t we?”
“Your call,” she said demurely.
He gave her a look that was at once frustration personified and yet smoking hot. Then he took her hand in his and tugged her along with him.
And she went gladly.