Chapter 3
Coming Out
We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it.
Throughout history, GLBTQ people have often felt the need to hide who they are to avoid harassment and discrimination. However, a gradual shift in society’s attitudes toward GLBTQ people has been occurring. This shift, combined with turning-point events like the 1969 Stonewall riots, has helped create an atmosphere where more people feel comfortable coming out. Many GLBTQ people used to hide their identities, but today, more and more are open about who they are.
On one level, coming out is very simple. It’s nothing more than being open with family, friends, and others about identifying as GLBTQ. On another level, coming out isn’t so simple. It can expose you to everything from awkward social situations, such as someone trying to fix you up with the only other queer person he knows, to prejudice and harassment.
Been There:
“As a freshman in college I came out to a friend of mine. At first, I thought it might be a big mistake because she was the most popular freshman on campus. But I thought that since she trusted me with her deepest secrets, then I could trust her with mine. When I told her she said, ‘Wow, that’s cool. You know, I didn’t want to ask but. . . .’ That was the beginning of our friendship on a whole new level.”
—Sasha, 20
The decision to come out is a significant one, especially when you’re a teen. Some teens who come out are harassed and experience violence at home or at school. Some teens are kicked out of the house or are forced to run away. These things don’t happen to everyone, but it’s important to seriously consider your safety and well-being before coming out.
But coming out also has many positive aspects. You can live your life openly and meet other GLBTQ people. Many GLBTQ teens say being out feels liberating. It can be very empowering to be honest about who you are. American Idol finalist Adam Lambert spoke publicly about the relief he felt after coming out in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine. He initially tried to hide that he was gay because he feared it would hurt his chances of winning American Idol.
The purpose of this chapter is not to tell you whether or not you should come out—it’s to help you decide what’s right for you. Even if you don’t feel like you have a lot of control over your life, you are the only person who can ultimately decide how to live it. That includes making decisions about how out you want to be. If you do decide to come out, this chapter will give you some advice on how best to do it.
What Is Coming Out All About?
As you learn more about the GLBTQ community, you’ll find that coming out is a very meaningful issue. Some people will ask you if you’re out, or who you’re out to. They might want to share their coming-out stories. Sometimes it seems like everyone who is GLBTQ is obsessed with the idea of being out. A popular GLBTQ magazine is called Out, and there’s even a National Coming Out Project.
Coming out is the process of telling others that you’re GLBTQ. The phrase “coming out” comes from the metaphor that you’re “coming out of the closet.” Conversely, people who are not out often are referred to as being “closeted,” meaning they’ve chosen not to tell others of their GLBTQ identity.
There’s a whole range of being out. People can be completely out, meaning they’re open with everyone about being GLBTQ. Some are partially out, meaning they’re out to some people but not everyone. Others might only be out to one very close person in their lives. Some people aren’t out at all.
Coming out has its pluses and minuses. It can open up your social life to other GLBTQ teens and allow you to live openly without having to hide who you are. But it can also cause stress in your family and put a strain on some of your friendships. For most GLBTQ people, coming out is a major milestone and a life-changing experience. It’s like taking off a mask and letting people see who you really are. Some people decide to come out because they’re tired of hiding who they are. These people are willing to risk telling others in exchange for the freedom of living openly.
Queer in the Military: During World War II, if military personnel were discovered to be GLBTQ, they were given special dishonorable discharges called “blue discharges” (because the form on which they were typed was blue). People who received blue discharges often had trouble finding employment and faced rejection in civilian life. Although GLBTQ people in the military were, until recently, forced to hide their sexual orientations and gender identities, many queer people have served their country in the armed forces, some receiving the military’s highest honors. For more information on the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, see Chapter 1.
Feeling Pressure to Come Out
All of this emphasis on coming out can put a lot of pressure on you, but there’s no rush. People can be ready to come out at different times. Some come out at 14, others at 40. Coming out can be a great and affirming experience. But if you’re not ready, it can feel like a disaster.
Dr. Sandy Loiterstein, a clinical psychologist who often works with GLBTQ people, emphasizes this point. She explains, “It’s important for teens to know that discovering your identity is a process, and everyone does so in her own time. Teens, especially, can have a tough time figuring out who they are because they are sorting through so many issues at once.”
You might feel internal pressure to come out, or see out celebrities or people in your community and think, “I should be out.” You can also feel pressure from other sources, such as friends or people in the GLBTQ community. Some people might be saying you need to come out, but others might be giving you completely different messages. Maybe your parents or other people say things like, “I don’t understand why gay people have to flaunt it. They should just keep it to themselves.” Regardless of what others tell you, your first responsibility is to yourself.
How’s the Weather Out There? Deciding If You’re Ready (and If It’s Safe) to Come Out
Without a doubt, more teens than ever are coming out. Many studies, news articles, and books are noting the increasingly younger ages when people are coming out. According to Cornell University professor Ritch Savin-Williams, a recognized authority on issues surrounding GLBTQ teens, the current generation of teens self-identifies as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or something else other than straight on average at around 16 years old. This is down from an average age of 21 two to three decades ago. In his book The New Gay Teenager, Savin-Williams also notes that today’s teenage girls are less likely to identify as lesbian, instead identifying frequently as bisexual, polysexual, omnisexual, or some other term suggesting they are not exclusively attracted to females or males.
A 2009 cover story in The New York Times Magazine focused on young people coming out in middle school, including a boy who decided to come out at age 11. The article suggests that earlier sexual development and increased exposure to positive information about being GLBTQ could be factors in this phenomenon.
But some people question whether a person has the ability to be certain of her orientation at such a young age. “How can you possibly know at that age?” is a common question.
Many GLBTQ young people today don’t identify as one thing or another. Instead, they’re comfortable existing in an open space or gray area when it comes to sexual orientation. “Who cares about labels?” is a common attitude among these teens. GLBTQ teens typically have more straight allies among peers than in previous generations, and that can help them feel more comfortable coming out or identifying as something other than gay or lesbian.
This fluidity in the way some people define their orientation can confuse those who are used to black and white notions of “gay” and “straight.” The idea of sexual attraction and orientation without boundaries or distinctions isn’t really different from the sexual orientation spectrum documented by Alfred Kinsey (see Chapter 1).
Many young people do choose to come out, but that doesn’t mean you have to. In fact, in some cases, coming out might not be the best decision, at least for now. Tom Sauerman, a leader in the Philadelphia chapter of PFLAG, advises that it might be better for some teens to wait to come out until they can be reasonably certain it won’t jeopardize their safety or quality of life at home or school.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Coming Out
Only you can decide the right time to come out. So it’s up to you to make sure you’re ready. If you are emotionally prepared to come out, you’ll have a more positive experience than if you’re not. Here are some questions to ask yourself about being ready.
Am I sure I’m GLBTQ? If you’re not certain you are GLBTQ (and remember, it’s okay to be questioning), you might want to wait before coming out. Most GLBTQ people come out in part because they feel the need to have others know what they’re feeling and experiencing. If you’re not sure whether you’re GLBTQ, think about waiting. Or you can come out as queer or “not straight” rather than choosing a label. But you might have more explaining to do in this situation, because most people have a better understanding of terms like gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender than broader ideas such as queer, genderqueer, or “other.”
Am I comfortable with myself? This can be a challenge. After all, you might feel what every teenager feels at one time or another—that there’s nothing comfortable about being you. This could be because of your sexual orientation, or it could just be part of adjusting to changes in your body and your social roles. If you’re comfortable with yourself and confident about your orientation (whether it’s a distinct label or not), the person you’re coming out to is more likely to be accepting of you.
Why am I coming out? Come out because you’re ready. Come out to affirm yourself. Come out because you want to share with others who you are. In short, come out because you want to. Don’t come out on a whim, to get a reaction from someone, or because anyone else is pressuring you.
Can I be patient with other people’s reactions? It’s natural to want an immediate positive reaction from the person you’re coming out to, but that probably won’t always be the case. Remember how long it might have taken you to adjust to the idea that you’re GLBTQ. Others may need time to adjust, too. Be mentally prepared to give them that time.
The World Around You: An Essential Checklist
Even if you’re emotionally ready, there are also some external factors that could influence whether it’s a good idea to come out:
1. Is it safe for you to come out? If GLBTQ people are openly harassed or threatened where you live or go to school and there isn’t protection from abuse, it might not be safe for you to come out. According to GLSEN’s “2009 National School Climate Survey,” 61 percent of respondents reported feeling unsafe at school because of their sexual orientation.
Been There:
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of who I am, I just have to be proud quietly because I live in a very small (and small-minded) community. Just last year at my school, a boy who people called gay was beaten within an inch of his life. I’m a little scared to be too public about it for now.”
—Calista, 19
2. What is your home environment like? If your parents or guardians are aggressive or otherwise abusive, coming out to them could escalate the abuse. If adults at home are extremely homophobic, you might also decide to wait to come out until you have left home or at least have other options if needed. But some teens, who feel safe and comfortable doing so, come out to family adults. People at home can be a source of support and help teens deal with harassment from others.
In the previously mentioned New York Times Magazine cover story about gay teens, the author quotes openly gay boys’ varsity soccer coach Dan Woog: “The biggest difference I’ve seen in the last 10 years isn’t with gay kids—it’s with their families. . . . Many parents just don’t assume anymore that their kids will have a sad, difficult life just because they’re gay.”
A Nationwide Campaign
Coming Out Project (hrc.org/issues/coming_out). Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign, this initiative provides resources on coming out. For information on deciding whether it’s the right time to come out, guidance on how to do it, and much more, visit the website or call 1-800-777-4723.
3. Do you have a support system? Do you have someone to turn to if the reaction to your coming out is bad? You might have a friend who already knows who can support you. Also, there are groups that can help.
If You Don’t Have a Choice: Being Outed
Some teens don’t get a choice about coming out. A parent might notice on the computer that you’ve visited GLBTQ websites. A classmate might overhear a conversation you had with a friend. It’s possible to be outed without your consent.
Being outed can be challenging because you have to deal with being out right away—without warning or time to plan. You might suddenly find yourself in an unsafe position. Or family members or friends could say they support you no matter what. Chances are the reality will be somewhere in between.
Been There:
“I was only 13 when I got into a fight with my mom about a letter of mine she’d found. She had the nerve to tell me to stop acting so ‘cuddly’ with my girlfriends. ‘It’s not like you’re a lesbian are you?’ she shouted. Then and there I told her I was bisexual. She stormed from the room. The following day she admitted that it troubled her and that it would take a little while to get used to it, but she wasn’t angry or disappointed in me.”
—Erin, 19
Now What? Some Tips for Outed Teens
Being outed can feel like a nightmare. Or it can come as a great relief. People don’t always react as negatively as you think they might (although sometimes the opposite is true). They might even be positive and supportive.
Still, any situation you’re not in control of can be scary. So what do you do if you’re outed?
1. Take a deep breath. Being outed can be very unsettling because you weren’t given a choice about it. You might feel like you weren’t ready to come out. But it happened, so take a moment to regroup and think about how you want to deal with the situation. It’s true that you weren’t able to control being outed, but you can control how you deal with it from here.
2. Assess the situation. Take a look around to determine what your next move should be. Are you safe? How do you feel? How are others reacting? These questions can help you figure out whether you should try to start a conversation right now or regroup before going forward. You might want to get outside resources and/or help.
3. Take action. Based on the other person’s reaction and your level of preparedness, you have several options. If you feel like you can engage in a conversation, try it. By opening the lines of communication, you’re taking back some degree of control over the situation, and that can be very empowering. It can also help increase the odds of a positive outcome from the situation.
If the situation is too emotionally charged to engage in a positive conversation, or if a discussion starts to get too heated, you can initiate a cooling-off period. This could be a good opportunity for you to chat with a friend, talk to an adult you trust, or reach out to a GLBTQ group for guidance and support.
A third course of action might be more of a necessity than an option. If being outed has made you fear for your safety, either at home or elsewhere, you may need to get immediate help. It’s a good idea to approach an adult for assistance—a trusted family member, neighbor, counselor, or school official. You could also contact a GLBTQ group that supports teens. Many such organizations are listed in the Resources.
Why Come Out?
People come out for a variety of reasons, and many of them are quite positive. Coming out is a way to affirm yourself. It shows others that you’re happy with who you are. It can also be a way to reach out to others by sharing something very meaningful and personal with them.
Some people come out to increase the overall visibility of GLBTQ people and help advance the GLBTQ human rights movement. Right now, society as a whole assumes that most people are straight (an attitude called “heterosexism”). Many straight people look at others around them and, in the absence of any obvious indication otherwise, assume everyone they see is also straight. Coming out and doing things like wearing a queer-themed shirt or putting a rainbow sticker on your car are ways of challenging these assumptions.
Been There:
“There were 1,900 students at my school when I graduated—1,900 people who can’t assume or pretend that gay people don’t exist. And if you look at statistics that as many as 10 percent of people are queer, that means that when I came out there were maybe 190 queer kids who got to hear that they are not going to burn in hell, that they are not perverts, and that they can live their lives.”—Anthony, 19
Who Should I Tell First?
Many people start the coming out process by telling only one or two people, sort of like dipping your big toe into a pool to test the water. Others choose to tell a lot of people all at once. Many decide to come out to a friend or sibling first because they believe they’ll get a better reaction from him or her than they might from a parent.
It’s definitely a good idea to choose someone you think will be supportive. For some, parents or other family adults are the last people they want to tell. For others, adults at home are people they feel they can go to with anything and who they want to come out to first.
Been There:
“I have come out to my brother. He is younger than me by a year. I felt like I needed to tell someone close to me, and he was the one. . . . It has brought us closer.”
—Athena, 20
There are two big reasons why it’s important to take care in selecting the first person (or people) you come out to. For starters, if you have a positive first experience, you’ll feel better about the prospect of coming out to other people. Having someone react positively is a boost to your self-esteem.
Second, if the first person you come out to is accepting of you, then you have additional support as you come out to others. You’ll have someone you can talk to about how you’re feeling. This person can also be someone you practice on when you’re preparing to come out to others. It’s very comforting to have someone you can be honest with.
Straight Allies: “My husband and I put a Human Rights Campaign sticker on our car because we have a lot of gay friends, and we want them and other gay people to know that we support them. It’s important for us that gay people know that not all straight people are against them.”—Shari, 42
I Have Something to Tell You: Coming Out to Your Family
You’ve given it a lot of thought and you feel you’re ready to come out. So how do you do it, especially to (gulp) your family? There are a lot of possibilities for doing this. While there isn’t one perfect method for coming out, some ways are more likely to have a positive outcome.
Be Prepared
Do your research. Start by testing your family members’ reactions to GLBTQ people. Mention a GLBTQ character on a popular TV show. Bring up an issue like GLBTQ civil rights or queer people being allowed to adopt children and see what their reactions are. Keep in mind—these are only hints. Even if parents, siblings, or grandparents say GLBTQ people should have equal rights, that doesn’t mean they’ll be totally calm when they find out it’s their own relative they’re talking about. And the opposite could be true. Knowing a family member is queer might encourage them to think about what it means to be GLBTQ in a different, more positive way.
Gather resources from groups like HRC, PFLAG, and GLSEN (see “Organizations” under Resources). These and other GLBTQ organizations have reading lists and brochures for both you and your family. Even if family members don’t read the brochures or visit the websites you give them right away, they might later. And while you might feel awkward about coming out to people and then handing them reading material, they’re more likely to read something you give them than they are to do research on their own. It’s an opportunity for you to give them information that is positive and accurate.
Be patient. Coming out to family members—especially those closest to you—is a milestone in your life. It’s a big deal for them, too. It can be tough, even heartbreaking, when someone you really care about has trouble accepting who you are. But give family members the benefit of the doubt if they don’t embrace your sexual orientation or gender identity at first. Remember that you’ve had a lot longer to adjust to and accept yourself as GLBTQ. Chances are it’s breaking news to them.
Coming Out as Questioning . . . or as Something Else Entirely: You might decide to come out to someone as questioning. Or maybe you want to come out as omnisexual, genderqueer, or some other term you’re comfortable with. If you do, you’ll probably have to answer a lot of questions—perhaps even more. Saying that you identify as questioning might be confusing for people who need labels like straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender to help them understand the situation. That means a lot of people probably won’t understand what you mean when you say you’re questioning (or however you choose to describe yourself).
However you decide to come out (if you decide to come out), remember to keep the lines of communication open and try to be patient with others’ questions. More often than not, they’re just trying to understand you better—and that’s a sign that they care.
Pick a good time. Coming out to a parent, grandparent, or another family adult the minute he comes home from work or at the big family holiday dinner is probably a bad idea. Avoid situations that already are stressful. Again, keep in mind that you’ve been adjusting to the idea of being queer for a while, but it might come as a complete surprise to others. Pick a time when everyone seems relaxed and comfortable.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Some family members might respond by kicking you out of your home. It sounds harsh, but it does happen. Have an idea of where you can go or who you can turn to if things get ugly at home.
I am ready and I am comfortable with myself.
I’ve asked myself why I want to come out, and I’m sure it’s for the right reasons.
I’m ready to deal with the outcome and realize it might not be the outcome I predict.
I’m ready to provide information and answer questions.
I have a support system in case this doesn’t go the way I’d like it to.
Practice. Once you’ve decided you want to come out, practice, practice, practice. Look at yourself in the mirror or practice on the poster of your favorite musician or sports figure. It’s like giving a presentation at school, only much more personal. You might think it’s weird to practice. But it’s an emotional topic and it might be more difficult than you think to express yourself. If you practice what you’re going to say, you’ll probably sound a lot calmer and clearer when the time arrives. As you practice, try to anticipate some of the questions people might ask so you have well-thought-out responses. See the following section for some common reactions and responses you can provide.
Having “The Talk”
No matter how much you prepare, there’s no telling what your family members’ reactions will be. Nevertheless, parents and others have very common reactions and questions in response to a loved one coming out. It may help to keep the following reactions in mind as you prepare for “The Talk.” State your responses as calmly and rationally as possible so you don’t ignite an altercation. It can be really difficult not to get worked up when you feel strongly about something, but that won’t help your case.
Reaction: “How do you know?”
Possible response: “How do you know you’re straight? It’s just something I feel deep inside.”
Reaction: “It’s just a phase” or “You’re too young to know.”
Possible response: “I understand that you’re probably surprised by this. This isn’t a phase, and I think in time you’ll realize that. I know I might seem too young to know for sure, but think about how old you were when you started to get crushes on other boys or girls and develop more meaningful attractions. Me being queer is new to you, but my understanding of who I am has been evolving in me for a long time.”
Reaction: “Why are you doing this to me?”
Possible response: “This isn’t about you. It’s about me and my relationship with you. I’m telling you this because it’s who I am and I respect and want to be open with you. I want you to have a relationship with me, not the person you think I am, and that means I have to be honest with you.”
Reaction: “It’s your choice to be this way.”
Possible response: “No one knows exactly why people are queer, but most scientists and health professionals believe that part of it could be biology. I don’t have those kinds of answers for you, but what I can tell you is that for me, I don’t feel it’s a choice. This is just who I am.”
Reaction: “You’re just saying that because you think it’s cool.”
Possible response: “Cool is about what other people think of you. It’s just an opinion. This isn’t about what anyone else thinks is cool or not cool, it’s about who I am.”
Reaction: “But your life is going to be so hard.”
Possible response: “Life can be more difficult for GLBTQ people at times, sure. I’ll have to deal with other people’s prejudice and ignorance, but I can handle that. What’s more difficult to deal with is prejudice in my own family, and that’s why I need your support. Besides, life is challenging for everyone at one time or another. That’s why we need to stick together.”
Reaction: “Why do you want to live that way?”
Possible response: “There’s no ‘way’ GLBTQ people live. We’re just like everyone else. The queer community is just as diverse in our lifestyles and opinions as the straight community. A lot of stereotypes exist about the so-called ‘queer lifestyle,’ but they’re just stereotypes.”
Reaction: “I always thought you’d get married and have children.”
Possible response: “Maybe someday I will get married, if I find the right person and that’s what my partner and I want. And if we want children, we can do that, too. Lots of parents today are the same sex.”
Reaction: “It’s just wrong.”
Possible response: “Who I am is not wrong. I think that lying to you is wrong, and that’s why I want to be open with you about this. I care about you and what you think is important to me, so it’s painful for me to hear that you feel that way. But I also understand that this is a lot of information to take in, and you probably need some time to think about it. But please know that you can bring it up later and we can talk about it. Just know that I’m telling you this out of love and respect for you and our relationship.”
Been There:
“My father’s response was simple. He stood up, gave me a hug, and said, ‘You remember I said I would always love you, right?’ I said, ‘Yes.’ And he said, ‘I meant it.’”
—Scott, 19
Reaction: “How am I supposed to deal with this? Everyone will talk about us or think it’s my fault.”
Possible response: “I know it’s a lot to take in, but please remember that I’m the same person you loved 15 minutes ago. I haven’t changed, you just know me better now. A lot of families have been in this situation. It might help for you to talk to some of them. PFLAG is a group for families of GLBTQ people. Here is the contact information for the local chapter. You don’t have to call or go to their website right now, but I hope you’ll at least take the information and know there are people out there you can talk to who won’t judge you or us, or how you’re feeling about all of this.”
Been There:
“My older sister was awful when I came out to her. There were a lot of unprovoked screaming matches between the two of us for a couple of months. She eventually calmed down and is now totally accepting.”
—Maria, 19
Now What? After “The Talk”
Family dynamics can change a lot after someone comes out. Coming out can start arguments or, at the very least, spark a lot of questions. Will you want to bring a boyfriend or girlfriend over? Should you be allowed to have sleepovers? Should the rules that applied to friends of the opposite sex now apply to same-sex friends?
Coming out may be the end of your hiding something, but it’s the beginning of relearning some of your family dynamics. The keys to dealing with these changes are patience and open communication. The questions don’t have to be answered all at once. They can be addressed as you go along. Talk about the issues you’re facing and try to come up with solutions together. You might find that coming out ends up bringing your family closer together.
After the coming out conversation, some family members might act like you never told them. They could be hoping it will go away. They might be going through denial. Parents, for example, often struggle with shock, denial, and guilt when a son or daughter first comes out to them. They might hope that you’re only going through a phase, or they might feel guilty that there was something they did that somehow caused you to be GLBTQ.
Remember that coming out is a process for all involved. Give your family time, but don’t assume no news is good news and everyone is dealing with it. It’s good to check in now and then. Mention to family members that you’re there and willing to talk to them if they have questions or issues they want to discuss. They might need your help coping with this change. Continue to encourage (not demand) that they get in touch with others who have GLBTQ family members. If they do want to talk with you, try to keep conversations civil and productive. These discussions can get pretty heated, but take a deep breath (or several) and try to relate to what they might be going through.
Chicas, Peeps, and Brahs: Coming Out to Your Friends
Like a lot of young people, you might choose to come out to a friend, or many friends, before you tell adults at home. It’s not surprising that a lot of teens come out to friends first. After all, they’re usually the people you have the most in common with. You might feel you’ll get the best reaction from them.
Just like coming out to parents, coming out to friends can lead to a variety of reactions. Some friends might be supportive, some confused, some upset, and some might have a combination of these and other feelings. Some friends might even come out to you!
Been There:
“So far, I have only come out to one friend—my best friend—and that was only after he told me that he was bi. It was funny. We were just sitting there and all of a sudden he says, ‘I like guys. But I like girls, too.’ Then I said, ‘Me, too!’ It was that simple, and we talk about it all the time now.”
—Alejandro, 19
Coming out to friends first can be great. If they’re supportive, they can be there for you if you come out to your family. But just like with adults at home, consider all angles before coming out. If a friend is upset by the news, she might tell other people, which could be bad if you’re trying to be selective about who knows.
As with parents and other family adults, it’s a good idea to test the waters by gauging your friend’s attitudes toward GLBTQ people. Some friends are more mature or may have had more experience dealing with GLBTQ issues. Maybe they have other queer friends or family members.
If you do decide to come out to a friend, follow the same steps you would with family members. In other words: prepare and be patient. It’s important to remember that if your friend doesn’t react well, it could be because he’s heard negative things about GLBTQ people. Talk with him about what he thinks and why. Assure him that you’re still the same person you’ve always been and you’re still his friend—being queer doesn’t change that.
Coming out can change your friendships. You could become closer than ever. Or your friend could be hurt that you didn’t tell him before. He could be concerned that you’re attracted to him, or he might even worry that if you’re queer, maybe he is, too.
Been There:
“I was lucky enough to have my closest friends be open and accepting. There were those other ‘friends’ who rejected me, but the ones I called my best friends kept their arms open to me. I think a lot of people act homophobic because they are scared of what people think. I think that if a friend—a truly great friend—were to find out that you are gay, they will love you for who you are.”
—Lily, 20
“When you come out to friends—even if you’re scared and nervous—don’t act like it. Tell them you’re GLBTQ with confidence. If they see you are confident, they will be confident in you and your friendship.”
—Paulo, 19
Again, give your friend time to adjust. Make it clear that you’re ready to talk whenever he is. Some friendships do end because one person comes out, but these are extreme cases. Let your friend know that one of the reasons you told him is that you want to be honest with him about who you are. Tell him, too, that you’re going to need his support to deal with people who aren’t as accepting. Even if he’s upset at first, chances are things will get better. And who knows, he might even surprise you by telling you he’d already figured out on his own that you’re queer!
Coming Out at School
Some teens feel safer or more comfortable coming out to a trusted teacher, school counselor, or administrator. Some come out as a means of reaching out for support or guidance, or to get help dealing with harassment that’s taking place at school. This might be true for you as well.
Adults who aren’t family members can be good advocates and help you deal with issues you’re facing. It’s important to remember that teachers and other school officials are people just like everyone else—you can never be absolutely certain how they’ll react. But because they aren’t family, your coming out is less likely to trigger some of the more extreme emotions people at home might feel.
Some schools’ policies make it difficult for supportive teachers to be vocal about their acceptance of GLBTQ people. But it’s not uncommon for teachers who are supportive to let students know, in subtle or more obvious ways, their feelings. If your school has a gay-straight alliance, the group probably has a faculty or staff advisor. If that teacher is approachable, she could be a good person for you to talk with when you need the advice and support of an adult. Gradually, more teachers also are starting to come out at school. These GLBTQ teachers can be good sources of support.
Been There:
“In my last year of junior high, I had this amazing Personal Development and Relationships teacher who I think was a lesbian. She taught us about being homosexual and bisexual. I think it was in that class that I actually discovered the term for what I was.”
—Iris, 19
School counselors are trained to talk with teens about challenges, and many of them can be very helpful. Unfortunately, some of them might also be homophobic. School counselors are sometimes, but not always, bound by confidentiality. This means they can’t share what you say to them with anyone else—it has to be kept in confidence. In some cases, there is no confidentiality requirement. Some schools even require counselors to report certain things to the administration.
Counselors can be great people to seek advice and support from. If you’re worried about talking to a counselor because of confidentiality issues, check your student handbook. The school’s policy toward confidentiality should appear there. If you don’t have a copy of the handbook, one should be available from the administrative office or at the school’s website.
As students and advocacy groups work to make schools safer, more accepting places for GLBTQ teens, teachers and staff are learning what it means to be GLBTQ and are better able to understand and support queer students.