Chapter 5 GLBTQ Friends

We are family.

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If being GLBTQ is normal and queer people aren’t all that different from straight people, why should it matter if you have GLBTQ friends?

If you’re out and have close straight friends, that’s great. And if your immediate or extended family members have been supportive, that’s great, too. At the same time, it can help to know people who really understand what it’s like to be queer. For some GLBTQ people, it isn’t until they are able to spend time with other queer people that they truly feel part of a peer group.

For many teens, their most influential role models are family members. But in most cases, GLBTQ teens can’t be just like their mom or dad, a grandparent, or an aunt or uncle because odds are these people are straight. A lot of queer teens haven’t grown up with role models or friends they can truly identify with. Having queer friends can help these GLBTQ teens feel more comfortable with their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Been There:

“During high school, I got involved with a GLBTQ counseling/social group. I loved it. It really helped me feel more comfortable with myself. All the other kids who went there were from different schools. It was nice because it was like forming our own little community. Every week after the ‘session,’ which we just called ‘group,’ we’d go out to eat. We had so much fun.”
—Valencia, 19

“It’s like being in your own private club. It’s like having an inside joke that not everyone understands. But when you do find someone who understands, there is an immediate connection that goes beyond words and finds itself in common experiences.”
—Walt, 20

Part of the Family: The Utterly Diverse, Somewhat Cohesive, Always Interesting GLBTQ Community

One of the best things about being GLBTQ is the sense of community you can feel with other queer people. In fact, one of the ways some GLBTQ identify one another is by using the word “family.” As in, “You know Tyree, the guy in our chem class? He’s family.” Some people even have bumper stickers that read “Family” or “Family car.”

Just like any family, though, we don’t always get along. So you can’t assume that all GLBTQ people will like or even tolerate each other. Although we’re part of a larger group, we’re individuals with our own personalities and histories. Being GLBTQ is a major characteristic to have in common, but it might also be the only thing you have in common.

At first you might feel intimidated by the GLBTQ community. You might worry about not being “queer enough” or not following the “GLBTQ rules.” You’ll soon discover, however, that the GLBTQ community is as diverse as people can be. Whether you’re a drama queen, a jock, a butch, a femme, a gender bender, a girlie girl, a manly man, a transman, a club kid, a prep, an urban hipster, a country boy, an androgyne, a hip-hop head, a surfer dude, a hippie chick, none of the above, or even several of the above, there’s room for you just as you are.

IMRU2? Meeting Other GLBTQ Teens

Throughout history, queer people have come up with some pretty creative secret ways to identify each other. In the past, one gay man might have approached another man and asked, “Are you a friend of Dorothy?” If the man answered, “yes,” that meant he was also gay. This phrase, which was a reference to Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, is just one example of the many ways GLBTQ people have devised to discreetly identify one another. If you ever come across a T-shirt or sticker that reads “Friend of Dorothy,” now you’re in the know.

Great Places to Meet Other GLBTQ Teens

Regardless of whether you believe in gaydar (see sidebar), here are some tips that can help you find other GLBTQ teens.

Queer community centers and organizations. GLBTQ groups sponsor programs that offer everything from social activities (like movie nights) to counseling services or homework help. These groups should be listed in your local telephone directory, or you can search the Internet using keywords like “gay community center” along with your city and state. Centerlink (www.lgbtcenters.org) serves as an online directory for GLBTQ centers. The National Youth Advocacy Coalition, through a partnership with The Trevor Project, also provides info on state and local organizations working with GLBTQ teens (www.thetrevorproject.org/youth/local-resources).

Been There:

“Even though I love my straight friends, it was a huge relief to meet other gay teens. It’s nice to have people who totally understand what you’re talking about, what it’s like to come out, and all of that.”
—Elizabeth, 17

GLBTQ bookstores. Go to a reading or just show up and casually flip through some periodicals. You could bump into other young people. If there’s no GLBTQ bookstore in your area, there could be a queer section in your local bookstore.

Coffeehouses or other places where teens and students like to hang out. This strategy for meeting other queer teens may work especially well if your town has a gay neighborhood. Visiting a “gayborhood” can be a great way to work yourself into your community’s GLBTQ scene without having to put yourself out there too much.

Underage clubs. Not all nightclubs are for those who are over 21. Many towns have underage clubs where teens can watch live music, play games, or just hang out. Going to these places can help increase your chances of meeting GLBTQ people your own age.

triangle-icon A Note About the Club Scene: Some young people, desperate to meet or just be around other GLBTQ people, sneak in to gay clubs or other hangouts for people over 21. Sneaking into bars or clubs could spell trouble for you for a few reasons, not the least of which is it’s illegal. You also risk being in situations you’re not prepared for—underage drinking, drug use, smoking—even though you’re just looking for friendship. The last thing you need is a big setback in your life by getting involved in the club scene where you could even get arrested. It’s best to stick to activities and locations geared toward teens. That’s also the best way to ensure you’ll have opportunities to meet people your own age. triangle-icon

How Do I Know If They’re GLBTQ?

If you meet someone in a non-GLBTQ-centered place, it can be difficult to identify whether someone is queer. Even if your gaydar is beeping like crazy, try not to make any assumptions. Subtlety is usually the best tactic when trying to figure out if someone is GLBTQ. Regardless of how out you are, others might not take kindly to you waltzing up to them and asking, “You’re queer, right?”

Here are some subtle strategies for figuring out if the person who caught your eye was actually winking or just trying to get rid of a loose eyelash.

Start a conversation and reference something you saw on Glee, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, or if you’re feeling bold, maybe even RuPaul’s Drag Race or another show with queer people or characters in starring roles. Maybe he’ll get the hint and drop his own.
If you don’t mind outing yourself, casually mention something about an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. For example, if you’re in a coffee shop, say, “Hi, I noticed you sitting here by yourself. My ex was supposed to meet me here, but something must have come up because I don’t see him/her. Mind if I share your table?”
If you’re at a bookstore, bring over a copy of a queer-themed book. Tell the person you’re thinking about buying it and ask if she has heard anything about it. It doesn’t win the subtle award, but it will probably help get the information you’re looking for.
If you’re the straightforward type, go ahead and ask. But there’s no need to shout, “Hey, are you queer?” At least start a conversation first and then slip it in. Think of how you might feel if someone walked up to you demanding to know your sexual orientation or gender identity. Keep in mind that if the person is straight, depending on his attitude, he might be offended by your question. Be prepared for a variety of responses.

Making Connections: GLBTQ Online Communities

The Internet is a great place to meet and talk with others. Whether you’re an experienced surfer or you’ve barely gotten your feet wet, finding others online is easy.

Many websites sponsor scheduled chats, guest speakers and webinars, bulletin boards, and blogs. Some also allow you to have your own email account. You can chat online with other GLBTQ teens, post questions or conversation topics, talk to counselors, and so on.

It might take some trial and error to find what you’re looking for online. You might end up visiting several sites before you settle on one, or a few, that you want to explore further.

Been There:

“I’ve come out to people online, in large groups and in chat rooms, which is so much easier than in person or one-on-one.”
—Fatema, 19

The Internet: Stay Safe as You Surf

The Internet has grown exponentially in terms of its content and variety of websites. Unfortunately, the risks and number of people out there using the Web to victimize people—including GLBTQ teens—have also grown. Here are some things to think about when you’re visiting a site:

Who sponsors the site? Could the site have an ulterior motive that could influence the content? One common motive is to sell you something. If you use a search engine to locate sites of interest to queer teens, it’s common to find many that are actually selling subscriptions to dating and other social networking services. Some sites masquerade as youth help sites, but they are actually sponsored by religious groups or other organizations whose missions are to “convert” GLBTQ people.

Who’s giving that advice? Keep in mind that at some sites, and especially bulletin boards, you don’t know who is answering you or how valid the information is. It’s a good idea to save serious questions for sites where counselors or experts provide information.

What kind of information do they want from you? Some sites require you to register before using them. Be wary of sites that require you to give information beyond a user name and a password. And never give out your address or your phone number.

Who are you talking to? You can never be absolutely sure who you’re talking to online, so be careful and make decisions about what you say accordingly. Don’t give out personal information like your phone number or where you live. It can be surprisingly easy to mention personal information in conversation without thinking about it. Typing something as simple as, “My little sis, Sarah, is scared because there’s a huge storm brewing here in Little Creek,” tells others where you live and that you have a younger sister, as well as her name. That might seem harmless, but someone with bad intentions could be looking for that type of information.

Meeting someone you became acquainted with online could be extremely dangerous. Your new friend could be exactly who he says he is—or he might not be. It’s important to wait to meet someone you’ve met online until you can be accompanied by a family adult or another adult you trust.

Be very wary of anyone who requests a photo, especially if they ask for it right away, and never send a revealing photo. It’s just not safe, and it’s definitely not smart. You never know where the picture will show up, but it’s a good bet that the person you send it to won’t be the only one who sees it. Once it’s out there, there’s no getting it back. The same applies to sending sexually suggestive or explicit emails or text messages (often called “sexting”). It might seem like a fun idea at the time, but keep in mind that those messages can easily be saved and forwarded (and often are).

When chatting online, ditch anyone who uses inappropriate, suggestive, or coercive language—you don’t need to waste your time on people who make you uncomfortable, speak to you disrespectfully, or attempt to manipulate you.

Queer Compadres: GLBTQ Friendships

Be yourself. As you’re looking for GLBTQ friends, keep in mind that not just any queer person will do. As with all friendships, you need to be true to yourself. It’s great to be friends with other GLBTQ people, as long as they’re people you would pick to be your friends otherwise.

Don’t waste your time on people who try to talk you into doing negative things, like using drugs and alcohol, just because they’re GLBTQ. Queer people are just like anyone else—everyone is different. You’ll like some and you won’t like others. But don’t lower your standards just to make friends. Knowing who you are and sticking to your beliefs can ensure you won’t become involved in unhealthy relationships or activities.

Thinking about all of this could have you feeling like it’s the first day of school all over again. Try not to worry, you’ll make some good friends. Just to prove it, here are five reasons why:

1. You’re true to your beliefs.

2. You’re proud of who you are (or at least you’re working on it).

3. You respect others’ opinions.

4. You have a lot to offer.

5. You know that life can be very serious, but there’s still a lot of room for fun.

Been There:

“My senior year I realized I was living for myself and no one else. I had no one to please but me. I hung out with the people I wanted to and didn’t worry about people other than that. I did the things I wanted to do and spoke my mind whether or not someone else agreed with it.”
—Emily, 18

Straight But Not Narrow: Other Friends

Straight friendships are no less valuable than GLBTQ ones. In fact, it’s good to be friends with a wide variety of people. Exposure to different viewpoints helps make you a well-rounded, considerate person.

“That’s soooo gay! Um, no offense.”

It can be easy to become frustrated with some of your straight friends if they make remarks that you feel are insensitive or ignorant. But try to be patient with them. Bring remarks to their attention and calmly explain why they hurt your feelings or upset you. Many times you’ll find that it’s just a misunderstanding and your friend didn’t realize how what she said sounded, or she thoughtlessly said something out of habit, or she didn’t think it would be offensive. We all have things we can learn from each other. Give her a chance. You might be the first GLBTQ person she knows.

However, if you have a friend who is repeatedly offensive or even abusive and who doesn’t care whether you’re offended, you might want to rethink the friendship. GLBTQ or straight, do you really want to be friends with someone who treats you or anyone else like that?

Bridging the Gap

After you come out to a straight friend, he might feel uncomfortable (or he might be completely cool with it). Maybe he’s still getting used to it and isn’t exactly sure what your coming out to him means. Does it mean you’re going to start dressing, acting, or talking in a different way? Will you still want to be friends or will you want new GLBTQ ones instead? Does it mean you want to date him?

These questions might come up right away, down the road, or not at all. But take time to address them if they do come up, because it will make your friendship stronger. Also, knowledge is contagious. The next time your friend hears someone demeaning GLBTQ people, he just might intervene. And that’s how people and society start to change for the better.