IT HAS CHANGED ME, THE STEP I TOOK, AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I won’t grow old.
I used to spend my life solving other people’s problems; it gave me an identity, personally but also professionally. But when someone starts talking about his problems now, I think, Stop whining and deal with it.
You can still deal with it.
My problem, though, is unsolvable. There will never be a solution, but there will be an end, a bloody end.
It won’t take long before he has room to get an easy revenge. Did I do right? That question keeps coming up. No, I didn’t do right. But I had no choice. It’s the way it is.
We—Sandra, Sonja, and I—each got a bracelet from Liesbeth, Sam Klepper’s sister, a bracelet with a four-leaf clover. She understands that we could all use a bit of extra luck.
When we’re together, we regularly talk about who’s going first. Actually, we all agree that I’ll go first, because he didn’t see my treason coming, and he’ll hate me forever for that.
He took me seriously, asked for my advice, trusted me, and I betrayed him. He really can’t stand for this. I feel that a bulletproof vest could be useful, but Sandra would rather “go” straight away. We discuss this on the couch at her place. It seems suicidal, but she’s got a point. What if you survive by wearing the vest but end up in a wheelchair?
Better get it right away.
That’s true, but I’ll get a vest anyway.
My eye rests on Sonja’s arm, and I notice she’s no longer wearing the bracelet. “Where’s your four-leaf clover?” I ask.
She’s scared stiff, her face turns red, and she gasps for air. “Oh, God, where is it?” she asks.
I know what she’s thinking; we’re both superstitious, and I understand why she’s so frightened.
“It’s there, on the couch,” I say.
Relieved and happy, she puts it back on.
“You thought you were first, didn’t you?” I ask.
“Yes,” she said. “I thought: This is a sign that I’m going first, that luck has abandoned me.”
“That’s what I thought.”
Less than a week later, I discover that I have lost my four-leaf clover.