I FEEL SO TIRED. I TRY TO RALLY, BUT THE PAST FEW DAYS HAVE SUCKED the life out of me. I am so sick of all this dictating my days, my life, and my mood. I miss my old life, which I have given up for this thankless task. I react irritably to everyone, but no one around me can help it, me feeling so down. I go to bed and hope to wake up in a different mood.
I dream that I’m being called and I hear Wim’s voice. He talks incoherently, almost gibberish, but he asks me nothing. Not to help him get out, nothing.
I wake up with a start, and the only thing I can think of is, I wish he were here and that everything was back to normal. I don’t want all of this. I can’t bear doing this to him.
How is it possible? He wants to kill me and I want to see him free.
I feel that I’m longing for death. This is no life. The burden is too heavy; it touches everything. Every time I go outside, I know it might be the last time. And at the same time, I know he will never go outside again.
Basically we’re both already dead.
The peace death would bring is tempting.
I’m trying to look for the little things in life that make it worthwhile, but today I can’t find any.
We talk to the police about the fiasco during the hearings, and I hand them the tape that I’d also given to the judge. I comment on the contents of the recording and play them some segments. The tape is a classic example of his extortion methods.
But what I’d really hoped for, looked forward to, was that they would tell me more about my murderer. I’d like to know where to look so I can take action myself. But they don’t want to say anything, and I respect that, obviously.
We talk about our hearings being canceled, and I ask the DA for the reason behind it. After a few minutes, I get my answer. The defense wants to postpone.
It feels like a slap in the face. I had thought the delay was due to them wanting to grant Sonja and me some rest after the nightmare of last time, but the delay was just another tactic at the instigation of the defense.
It feels like a race against the clock. It is killing me that they can’t or won’t see that this is Wim’s strategy. I’m beat.
My phone buzzes with a text message from Peter: “Three years and four months.” I was torn from sleep so I don’t understand right away. What is he talking about?
Then I get another message, from a colleague, with an image of clinking champagne glasses. Now it starts making sense: today was the verdict on appeal in the criminal case against Wim for threatening Peter de Vries. Initially he got off with three months, but now he gets three years and four months. Four months for threatening Peter, plus the completion of his suspended three-year sentence.
A justified sentence by the court, because he doesn’t deserve a suspended sentence; he would only use the freedom to extort again, and more severely. This is a big boost in these hard times. It feels as if the court is finally starting to understand what a manipulator Wim really is, how subtly he toys with the judicial system, how he always dictates everything in the end.