CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

‘We’ll start shooting in here,’ said Lakshmi, striding into the living room.

I had not seen her gun – no Glock registered to a suspended cop, no pearl-handled pistol bought at the mall with a stolen ID – but I dashed under the couch all the same.

‘We can use backdrops, or shoot around anything problematic,’ she went on. ‘And we’ll be cleaning it up post-production – you’ll hardly recognise the place. The main goal is to have the merchandise out in plenty of time for Christmas. Wait, where did he go?’

‘Come on, Tama,’ said Marnie, dragging me out. ‘No silly games.’

Something scuffled overhead. Rob glanced at the ceiling.

‘Let’s start with the greeting cards,’ said Lakshmi, ‘and then we’ll do the calendar. Scott?’

A young man with a gigantic beard began assembling a camera.

That sort of shoot.

They put me on top of a birthday cake; they put me inside a ribboned box. They dressed me in reindeer antlers, an elf hat, a Santa hat, a halo. They tied a balloon round my leg and a bow tie round my neck. I held a diamond ring in my beak; I held a baby’s rattle. I held a red rose. I ripped the wrapping paper from a pair of socks and I lay on my back next to a bottle of champagne and I peeled the foil from chocolate eggs that were empty inside. I bowed my head next to a single white lily.

‘Let’s throw him in the bath,’ said Lakshmi. ‘He loves water, right? With the shower cap? And then some in his cot, naturally. Does he have any jammies? No? Well that’s a shame. That’s an oversight. Will he sit in a saucepan? Will he read the newspaper? We need him to take up the space in an interesting way. Someone bring me a lamb or two. And what about one of the dogs? People love dogs. We’ll get him sitting on a dog. Stealing its food. I don’t suppose you have a cat?’

‘Just a cat door,’ said Marnie.

‘Right, so no actual cat. What about the chickens? That could be funny. We’ll grab a chicken.’

When they’d finished the photo shoot Marnie offered them a cup of tea, but Lakshmi said they should press on with the voice.

‘I think he’s a bit tired,’ said Marnie. ‘He might need a rest.’

‘Five minutes,’ said Lakshmi. ‘We have to make our flight.’

Marnie fed me some slivered almonds and told me what a good boy I was, what an obedient and clever boy. Rob broke open a chocolate egg and ate it. Then we pressed on with the voice.

‘So Marnie, if you can get him talking away while Scott records him. Just let Tama go for it but make sure he says the catchphrase, preferably a few times, and then later on we can choose the rest of the lines we want for the plush toy. All good?’

‘I think so,’ said Marnie.

Something pitter-pattered and scratched overhead. Rob glanced at the ceiling again.

‘And … action!’ said Lakshmi.

‘You don’t need to say action,’ said Scott.

‘I’ll say action if I want to say action,’ said Lakshmi.

‘Shall I just start?’ said Marnie.

‘Of course, please,’ said Lakshmi. ‘Whenever you’re ready. Action.’

‘Who’s the best boy ever?’ said Marnie. ‘Who’s the cleverest boy in the world?’

‘Don’t come crying to me,’ I said. ‘You’re not to touch him. OMG I want a bird on my head. I’m thinking like a rat.’

‘Tama,’ said Marnie, ‘what did you have for breakfast?’

‘Dutchie, Dutchie, ya mongrel,’ I said. ‘Babies don’t have feathers.’

‘Mmm,’ said Lakshmi. ‘Okay.’ Something scurried and rustled. She looked up at the ceiling. ‘What is that?’

‘Sorry,’ said Marnie. ‘Rob thought he got them all.’

‘Yeah, sorry,’ said Rob.

‘Is it a problem, Scott?’ said Lakshmi.

‘I can clean it up later.’

‘Let’s just keep going, then. Action.’

‘Tama, how are you feeling today?’ said Marnie.

‘Get yourself some alpacas,’ I said. ‘Get yourself some alpacas. Bleating or bleeding, ha ha. Get yourself some alpacas.’ I barked Night’s bark.

‘Mmm,’ Lakshmi said again. ‘Not much to work with so far.’

‘Here are the headlines,’ I said. ‘You know I’d never hurt you, not on purpose. Wayleggo! Wayleggo! Are you a panda? Or a puffin?’

‘Maybe if you asked him some more interesting questions,’ said Lakshmi.

‘Tama,’ said Marnie, ‘are you still hungry? Do you want another snack? Shall I get you another snack?’

‘Open-ended questions,’ said Lakshmi.

‘Tell me what snack you’d like,’ said Marnie.

‘I’m at the end of my rope,’ I said.

‘Ask him about Christmas,’ said Lakshmi. ‘Ask him what he wants for Christmas.’

‘I know how to cover up their worst bits,’ I said.

‘Tama,’ said Marnie, ‘what do you want for Christmas?’

‘Yum yum yum,’ I said. ‘Good morning and welcome. I’m Tama. Blue makes our eyes pop.’

‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘You married a loser.’

‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Watch out for ashiness.’

‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Your cells remember the famine.’

‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Bunch of cunts.’

‘Okay! Just say the catchphrase,’ said Lakshmi.

‘Do you mean me or Tama?’ said Marnie.

Lakshmi looked at her and spoke very slowly. ‘I want Tama to say it, so you need to say it to him and get him to repeat it.’

‘I can’t make any promises,’ said Marnie.

‘I can’t make any promises,’ I said.

‘Don’t you dare,’ said Marnie.

‘I would like to gobble you up,’ I said.

‘Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare.’

‘Can’t feed them stones. He’ll chop off his foot.’

‘Don’t you dare. Tama. Tama. Don’t you dare.’

‘It’s like I turn into someone else.’

‘Tama. Don’t you dare.’

‘Maybe you’ve had a nose job. Classic whore move, babe. What the fuck’s a peacharine? Can’t you cut up a fucking potato? I’m not an enemy. This was no suicide, Trent. See the spatter patterns? Do you think it’s hormones? Am I just the workhorse?’

‘Obviously we can’t use profanities,’ said Lakshmi.

‘We can’t use profanities,’ I said.

‘He’s being a dick on purpose,’ said Rob.

‘He’s being a dick on purpose,’ I said.

‘Tama. Don’t you dare,’ said Marnie.

‘We can’t use profanities,’ I said.

‘Don’t you dare,’ said Lakshmi.

‘Rob suffers from insomnia,’ I said.

‘Don’t you dare,’ said Lakshmi.

‘I could take the Hiroshima approach,’ I said.

‘Don’t you dare, don’t you dare,’ said Lakshmi.

‘That’s not funny,’ I said. ‘Rob suffers from insomnia.’

‘Can we leave me out of this?’ said Rob.

‘Leave me out of this,’ I said.

‘Tama,’ said Marnie. ‘Tama. Don’t you dare.’

‘I’m on no particular schedule,’ I said.

‘Don’t you dare, Tama,’ said Marnie.

‘Sorry about the lambs,’ I said.

‘You’re being a very naughty boy,’ said Marnie.

‘Swerve to hit them. Easy,’ I said.

‘Are you going to behave?’ she said. ‘Are you going to be a good boy for Marnie?’

‘Mar Mar Mar Mar Mar,’ I said. ‘Meow.’

‘Cut,’ said Lakshmi. ‘You’ll have to do it, Rob.’

‘Sorry?’ he said.

‘You’ll have to do the catchphrase, and we’ll use that.’

‘But then it won’t be Tama,’ said Marnie.

‘Scott can manipulate it later,’ said Lakshmi. ‘Nobody will know.’

‘The Tama toy has to be Tama,’ said Marnie. ‘That’s what people are paying for.’

I made a sound like an ambulance on its way to the scene of the crime. I made a sound like a squad car chasing a perp.

‘We need the catchphrase,’ said Lakshmi. ‘And we need to make our flight. Do you have any other suggestions?’

‘We could take it from the video clip,’ said Marnie. ‘That’s what kicked it all off.’

‘The quality’s not good enough,’ said Lakshmi. ‘At this point, Rob’s our only option.’

‘It looks worse than it is,’ I said.

‘Rob?’ said Marnie.

‘Whatever,’ he said. ‘Don’t you dare.’

‘Speak up,’ I said, and tugged at my favourite bit of braid on the couch.

‘Hold on,’ said Lakshmi. ‘Are you ready to go, Scott?’

‘I’m still recording.’

‘But I said cut.’

‘Yeah.’

‘We’ll talk about it later. All right. And … action.’

‘Don’t you dare,’ said Rob.

‘Yes, but like Tama,’ said Lakshmi.

‘Don’t you dare,’ said Rob.

‘Like Tama. Imagine you’re a bird. Close your eyes if it helps.’

‘Don’t you dare,’ said Rob. He sounded like my father.

‘Better. Again.’

‘Don’t you dare.’

‘Squeakier. Again.’

‘Don’t you dare.’

‘Throatier. Again.’

‘Don’t you dare.’

‘Bit more conviction.’

‘Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare.’

‘Angrier.’

‘Don’t you dare, don’t you dare, don’t you dare.’

‘Okay. Okay. I think we have it – that’s a wrap.’

‘Can I stop recording?’ said Scott.

‘Yes, Scott, you can stop recording.’

‘Only you didn’t say cut.’

‘Cut.’

Scott pressed a button.

‘Don’t you dare,’ I said.