I wandered aimlessly through town, trying to make sense out of life. What possible reason could there be for the kind of hate that turned my life upside down not once, but twice? How could a person care enough about skin color to gun down a judge with a wife and daughter? How could he pass that hatred down to his sons? A father’s legacy should be joy and wisdom and love. That’s what my father left me.
And you’re wasting it. The voice came clear and loud in my head and I stopped in my tracks, half-spooked into thinking I’d developed a new layer of crazy. But it was just my own conscience reminding me of my tightly locked heart.
I sighed and wandered into the church I’d grown up in, sitting in our usual pew for a few minutes but finding no peace. I wandered across the street to Tonio’s church and lit a candle, looking up at the Virgin, praying for a sign. After long, silent moments, I stepped back out onto the sidewalk, barely noticing how the sky had grown heavy and dark. Without conscious thought, I turned and began walking again.
How could I open my heart when the only two men I ever loved had been so cruelly snatched away?
The only two?
The only two.
So far.
Great. I’d developed an argumentative inner editor. Just a few short steps to mumbling under my breath and wearing a tinfoil hat. Although if three orgasm-less years hadn’t driven me to it…
Orgasms. Sex. A naked Javier licking sour cream from my nipples. Javier’s cock pounding into me until the metal table shook like cardboard. My legs trembling, my chest heaving. My heart racing, throbbing, reaching… Reaching out for his. And almost connecting.
I stopped cold again. Almost connecting. Was that the strange, glorious light I’d glimpsed? The sensation that had tickled at my soul? For the first time in my life I wondered what it would be like to come beneath a man I actually cared about—to feel my heart and my body explode at the same time. For the first time in years, I didn’t cringe when I thought about caring for someone again.
I stared into middle distance, just letting the thought percolate in my brain for a while. Did I love Javier? No. I couldn’t reasonably say that, not so soon. But thinking of him made me warm in ways lust couldn’t account for. A cool droplet slid down my cheek and I wiped it away in surprise. I dabbed at my eyes, but my fingers came away dry. Then a drop hit my arm and another splashed against my forehead. At long last I looked up…and caught a raindrop square in the eye.
“Son of a bitch!”
“How come every time I see you you’re cursing?” His tone teased but a mild undercurrent of tension hummed through it.
I jumped, then turned, ignoring the misting droplets that continued to fall around us. “How come you’re always scaring the shit out of me?”
The laughter fled his voice. “Because you startle easily and I can’t seem to stay away from you.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
The tempo of the rain increased, but he hardly seemed to notice. He just stood staring at me, the t-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders getting damper and damper. Green fire burned in his eyes, daring me to walk away, to deny the attraction.
I opened my mouth to try, but the protest died on my lips. Suddenly, I was desperately tired—tired of the guilt and the loneliness and the meaningless, ineffective sex. Tired of constantly prodding at the wound caused by Tonio’s death, keeping it raw and burning so I wouldn’t slip up and risk my heart again. I longed to let go of the pain and fear and lose myself in discovering the man Javier had become.
The planes of his face shifted as he watched me and the light in his eyes glowed more gently, as though he heard my private thoughts and understood. With one long stride, he closed half the distance between us. Then he stopped, tucked his hands in his pockets and waited. He didn’t say a word but his message was clear. He’d taken the first step. If I was interested, I’d have to meet him halfway.
Lightning ripped through the sky and the clouds burst, drenching us with autumn-scented rain. It soaked through my clothes, turning them heavy and clinging. Water coursed from my hair and my skin and my fingertips, flowing away into the gutters, carrying my cowardice and self-reproach along with it. I took a deep shuddering breath, then a step, and another. I was still a pace away when he surged into motion, pulling me into his arms and into a deep, soul-searing kiss. His lips searched mine as though asking if I were sure and I put everything I had into showing him my certainty. I tangled both hands in the thick strands of his hair, coarser when wet but no less enticing. His grip tightened around me and I opened my mouth, inviting him in. He responded immediately, touching just the tip of his tongue to mine, a sweet, gentle kiss within a kiss. His tenderness shook me to my toes.
Lightning flashed again, bringing with it a sharp, ominous crack of thunder. We looked at the sky as an overhanging oak shivered violently, showering us with its last few leaves.
He brushed one from my cheek, then took my hand. “Come on.”
New torrents descended as we ran down the street. The wind picked up, lashing rain into our faces and chilling me to the bone. Branches creaked overhead, pelting us with debris. Thunder rumbled and crashed, far too close for comfort, and lightning seemed to crackle all around us. By the time he pulled me into his living room, I was shivering and breathless. And immensely grateful for small towns safe enough to leave the door unlocked.
He kicked the door shut behind him, already reaching for me, then pulled me into his arms and into a repeat of our earlier sidewalk kiss. His skin was wet and chilled, but the storm hadn’t dampened the heat of his desire. It burned against my nipples, stiff and aching from cold and arousal. He crushed me against the solid strength of his chest and need flamed from his fingertips where they pressed into my lower back. For a moment we stood dripping on the hardwood floors, clutched in each other’s arms, lost in each other’s passion. Then he pushed a clinging tendril of hair from my face and ran a strong hand across the sopping fabric molded to my arm.
“You’re freezing.”
The concern in his voice warmed me slightly but the chattering of my teeth was too obvious to ignore. “Maybe a little.”
He led me to his bathroom and, once we were naked and the taps were switched on, into the oversized tile shower. He wrapped me in his arms again and held me as the soothing, steaming spray warmed our bodies. Outside, the violence of thunder and lightning was already giving way to the patter of steady rain. I lay my head against his chest, feeling completely safe and utterly cared for. As the numbness faded from my fingers and toes and skin, I became gradually aware of a thawing deep within. I could almost feel the protective layers of ice melting from my soul. My muscles relaxed and the tightly fastened door to my heart sagged in its frame, then drifted open with a barely audible click. A slight, wavering sigh slipped from my lips and one last errant tear slipped between our bodies, indistinguishable from the shower’s spray.
I shifted to look up at him, then ran my hands along the lean lengths of his sides, first pressing my palms flat to feel the tautness of his body, then tickling just my fingernails across his skin to watch the muscles in his belly jump. Desire lit his eyes, a deep, steady glow far different than the sudden, leaping flare I’d witnessed in his kitchen and far more potent than the impersonal need I’d seen in the faces of other lovers. My body and soul responded, reaching for him in every way. I caressed the nape of his neck, then tugged gently until he bent to kiss me.
When our lips connected, waves of unfamiliar emotion washed over me, intense and ambrosial. I felt completely exposed, but the vulnerability thrilled me. I felt irrevocably connected but it merely aroused me. He nibbled gently at the corners of my mouth, drawing breathy moans of ecstasy from me, then slipped his tongue between my lips, exploring my tongue and teeth with exquisite slowness.
He broke our kiss to turn me, then snuggled me to him until our contours melded and the hot, hard rod of his erection pressed against my bottom. Water flowed across us, turning my skin into a slippery playground for his roaming hands. He caressed my arms with long, languid strokes, kneaded my hips like a masseuse. The pleasure was excruciating, the intimacy divine. His lips brushed my shoulder, my neck, my earlobe, my temple. And everywhere he touched turned quivery and soft, melting beneath the heat of his adoration. Liquid desire trickled through my veins, seeping into every part of me. I relaxed into his body and moaned deeply, longing for more sweet torment. He gave it to me slowly, teasing his fingers across my ribs and belly, running the tip of his tongue in tiny, torturous circles just above my collarbone.
I moaned again, an abandoned, needy sound that begged him not to stop. His cock pulsed against my ass, and the trickle of desire turned to a coursing stream, flowing through my body, throbbing at my wrists and throat, pooling in my core. I lifted one arm over my head, tangling my fingers in the hair I loved to touch. With the other I squeezed the side of his thigh, reveling in the feel of tight muscles beneath shower-slick skin. He crossed his arms, then cupped my breasts, the possessive X of his forearms locking me to him as he grazed his thumbs across my hardened nipples.
Arousal flooded my system and I let my body respond, swaying my hips in the age-old sensual rhythm. With each movement, the soft, yielding flesh of my ass caressed the smooth steel of his cock. The shower got steamier. He got harder. I got wetter.
Still pinning me to him, he slid one hand down to the curling patch of hair between my legs, delving beneath the surface to brush against my most sensitive flesh. Firm, sure fingers twitched against my clit, sending a bolt of electricity sparking across my glistening skin. A second twitch loosed another bolt. It raced through my system, flipping switches I didn’t even know I had and shocking every sensory receptor into life. One last muscle-jerking tease before he settled into a regular pattern, first circling the swollen bud with a fingertip, then rubbing back and forth across it with steady, measured movements.
My hips swayed with the rhythm, greeting his touch like a long-lost friend, and I marveled at how well he’d read my body, choosing the perfect motions by instinct. More astounding was the way he blended desire with tenderness. Affection edged every swirl of his fingers. Caring laced the gentle bondage of his embrace. Even the brush of his teeth against my shoulder seemed aggressive and adoring all at once.
Our bodies warmed until I expected the shower’s spray to sizzle against our skin. Our breathing quickened in perfect harmony, and the pressure of my passion built until it pounded in my ears and chest and pussy, first begging for release and then demanding it. He rubbed faster, harder, never losing pace, never easing his hold on my now-writhing form. Elemental half sobs spilled from my throat and I clenched one hand in his hair and the other against his thigh, longing for the intensity to end and desperate for it go on forever. Up, up, up I spiraled, riding a crest more powerful, more massive than any I’d ever imagined. Just as I reached the highest pinnacle, he spoke into my ear, his voice low and compelling, raw with desire and harsh with need.
“Come for me, J.J. Let yourself go. I’ll be here when you get back.”
White light flashed behind my eyes and my whole body stiffened as though truly electrocuted. Time froze and the world went silent and from somewhere far away I watched myself teeter on the edge of ecstasy. I hovered a moment, suspended between almost there and aftermath, then toppled into the deep abyss of exquisite pleasure.
As I fell, everything surged back into life. Wave after wave of prickling, perfect bliss crashed over me, crippling me, blinding me, threatening to carry my consciousness out to sea. The beat of his heart pounded against my spine and the shower’s spray roared in my eardrums. Long-suppressed emotion poured from my heart, filling my chest and my throat until I thought I might drown. I sagged against him, helpless to protect myself from the onslaught, trusting him to anchor me against the breaking of the dam.
Gradually, the tide went out. As it faded, sense returned. He relaxed his arms and I turned to face him. The fire in his eyes took my breath away. No man had ever gazed at me with such devotion or such possessiveness. I tried to speak, but couldn’t find the words, so I reached for his cock, channeling all the emotion I didn’t know how to verbalize into my touch. His eyes closed and he ground out a curse. I stroked harder, caressing the long shaft of him, fondling his head. And all the while I watched him, admiring the way the water coursed down the indentions of his cut body and turned his caramel skin to gold, loving the play of feeling across his face as I varied my movements. Exciting him excited me, another new experience. Soon I was as wet and eager as I’d been a few moments before—maybe more so now that I knew what was in store. I tightened my grip and stroked faster still, wondering if it would be selfish to stop and ask him to fuck me.
Before I’d finished the thought, his eyes flicked open, perhaps responding to a change in my touch. He ran a finger down the side of my face, his expression unreadable, then placed a short, chaste kiss on my lips. I released his cock to hold on to his shoulders as he backed me against the shower wall and lifted my leg over his hip.
The head of his cock slipped into me and he kissed me lightly again. “Is this what you want?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me.”
“I want you to fuck me.”
“Like this?” he asked, sliding his shaft slowly into me.
“Oh, yes,” I gasped as he filled me inch by inch.
I leaned my head back, resting it against the smooth tile, and he licked up along the column of my throat as he withdrew then stroked into me again. He stopped and reached between our bodies to rub my clit. My pussy tightened at his touch.
He groaned and rubbed harder. “I’m close but I want to feel you come before I finish. Come for me again, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart. The endearment warmed my battered heart, flowing over me like springtime.
I looked him in the eye, eager to show him what he did to me. “Don’t give me a choice. Go deeper. Rub harder. Make me come again.”
His eyes blazed green and he obliged, sinking himself an inch deeper and filling me completely, then increasing the pressure of his fingers on my clit. The spiral began building immediately, far faster than before, nearly overwhelming in its intensity. I gave in to the sensations, writhing between him and the wall, clutching his shoulders for support, moaning wildly as I zoomed toward completion. The combination was amazing—his hard, thick cock stretching me wide while his fingers drove me mercilessly toward ecstasy. Before I knew it I was peaking. I shot right over the edge, no reverent hovering on the brink, and plunged straight into flashing lights and roaring sensations. His name tore from my throat as he buffeted me, thrusting over and over until he cried out and collapsed against me.
As we leaned on the wall, recovering in the cooling mist of the shower, I faced the truth head-on. I might not love this man yet, but I certainly could. And I was falling faster than I ever would have imagined.