A NOTE TO MY AMERICAN FRIENDS

(WITH GLOSSARY)

Dear cousins,

My publishers in Colorado have kindly, carefully weeded from the pages of this book many of my trickier, more befuddling English expressions, whilst attempting to retain the “quirky” old-world weirdness of the way I spell. Of course, this may well have been a terrible mistake. As the Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw observed, “England and America are two nations divided by a common language.”

When we lived on the great Midwestern plains, we certainly encountered endless subtle, occasionally hilarious, cultural and linguistic differences between your version of English and ours. For instance, when you say pants we hear underwear. This can be unsettling when you think the school receptionist is publicly admiring your smalls. Similarly, when you talk about your purse we picture a wallet, and when you say football we assume you mean a game involving a foot as well as a ball. Your chips are our crisps, and our chips are your fries. Our state schools are your public schools, and your public schools are our most exclusive private schools. We call a vest a waistcoat and an undershirt a vest. Your train tracks are our braces, our braces are your suspenders, and your suspenders are an intimate item of lingerie for English ladies. We have absolutely no idea what you mean when you say words like duplex, faucet, zucchini, and rutabaga. You say “tom-ay-to” and we say “tom-ah-to.”

What else? Well, when you talk about falling on your fanny or introduce yourself as Randy we hear something very, very different. I’d rather not explain. Unfortunately we also refer to pitchers as “jugs.” No one warned me about this until an unfortunate conversation one Sunday breakfast with a pastor’s wife at a megachurch in Florida. I’ll leave the embarrassment to your imagination.

We are indebted to you, America, for so many reasons. You have given us Disney, Robert Frost, Elvis, and West Wing. For these we are grateful. In return we offer you Shakespeare, the Beatles, C. S. Lewis, and Downton Abbey. We appreciate the fact that God has blessed you with Silicon Valley, perfect dentistry, and Chuck E. Cheese, whilst giving us the lesser-known delights of haggis, cricket, and the ultimate ability to make a decent cup of tea.

Here in the Old World, the word route does not rhyme with doubt but with boot, toot, fruit, shoot, and loot (blame the French). You’ll have noticed that we also spell things differently, like aluminium (notice that extra i), colour, and honour —for most of these offences you can also blame the French. We call diapers nappies, baby strollers are actually prams, sidewalks are pavements, the trunk of your car is the boot of ours, a truck is really a lorry, and a highway is a motorway.

And while we’re on the subject of driving, we do it on the left for a very good reason: to ensure that our sword hands are free to attack approaching knights (you are, as a nation, currently in grave danger from oncoming knights).

God bless America! God save the Queen! God help us communicate!

P.S. If you are Canadian, South African, Australian, or from New Zealand, this list (like so many things) only half-applies to you.

UK ENGLISH	US ENGLISH
Accident & Emergency	Emergency Room
Ambulance	Emergency vehicle
Aubergine	Eggplant
Biscuit	Cookie
Bonnet (car)	Hood
Boot (car)	Trunk
Braces	Train-tracks
Braces	Suspenders
Candyfloss	Cotton candy
Car park	Parking lot
Caravan	Trailer
Cashpoint	ATM
Chemist	Drugstore
Chips	Fries
Crisps	Chips
Cinema	Movie theatre
Cupboard	Closet
Dustbin	Trash can
Fag (sl.)	Cigarette
Flat	Apartment
Fly (sl.)	Zipper
Football	Soccer
Garden	Yard
Handbag	Purse
Holiday	Vacation
Houses of Parliament	Congress
Housing estate	Housing development
Jumper	Sweater
Lift	Elevator
Lorry	Truck
Motorway	Highway / Freeway
Mobile	Cell phone
Mum / mummy	Mom / mommy
Number plate	License plate
Off licence	Liquor store
Pants	Underwear
Pavement	Sidewalk
Polo neck	Turtleneck
Porridge	Oatmeal
Postcode	Zip code
Purse	Wallet
Pushchair	Stroller
Sweets	Candy
Queue	Line
Tap	Faucet
Tartan	Plaid
Tights	Pantyhose
Toilet	Rest room
Trainers	Sneakers
Trolley (shopping)	Cart (shopping)
Trousers	Pants
Undergound	Subway
Vicar	Anglican church pastor
Wardrobe	Closet
Windscreen	Windshield
Zed	Zee