SNACKS

Feel like a treat? Is your stomach growling so loudly you can hear it over your iPod? Or do you just want to impress the people that keep wandering in and out of your room? These snacks are perfect for all those occasions, as well as between classes, on a study break, or late at night, when you’re watching Animal House for the tenth time. They’re fast, convenient, and have been known to help you miraculously make new friends with people down the hall, or even on different floors. You know what we mean—all of a sudden everyone is your best friend when you have tasty-looking food.

DID YOU KNOW?

As a vegetarian, your bones will last longer. The average bone loss for a vegetarian woman at age 65 is 18 percent; for non-vegetarian women, it’s double that.

SHAM “HAM” ROLL-UPS

You’ve always wanted to make something with chives because they sound fancy—admit it.

1 (8-ounce) container vegan cream cheese

1 tablespoon chopped chives

Salt and pepper, to taste

1 (5.5-ounce) package vegan ham deli slices

Mix the cream cheese, chives, salt, and pepper together. Spread the mixture on the deli slices and roll up. Use a toothpick to hold together.

Makes 4 servings.

UNDERCOVER OINKERS

These “pigs in a blanket” aren’t really pigs at all, but we won’t tell if you won’t.

1 (12-ounce) package vegan hot dogs

Vegan cheese slices (optional)

1 (9-ounce) package vegan crescent rolls

Your choice of condiments

Roll the hot dogs (and cheese, if using) up in the crescent rolls. Oil a plate so the rolls won’t stick to it, then place the rolls on the plate and heat in the microwave for 10 minutes, or until fluffy.

Makes 4 servings.

SLACKER SLAW

If you’re too lazy to make this super-easy slaw, we need to have a talk with your parents.

1/2 (16-ounce) bag coleslaw mix

1 tablespoon chopped chives

2 tablespoons diced celery (visit your local salad bad if you don’t feel like dicing)

1/4 cup vegan mayonnaise

2 teaspoons lemon juice (use fresh or from the squirt bottle)

Salt and pepper, to taste

Toss together the coleslaw mix, chives, and celery in a large bowl. Add the mayonnaise and lemon juice, and stir. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes before serving.

Makes 4 servings.

CHILI “NOT” DOGS

Bring these wieners to your next sausage—er, soysage— party and watch ’em disappear.

1 vegan hot dog

1 hot dog bun

1/4 cup vegan chili or prepared vegan chili

Mustard

Dill relish (optional)

Cook the hot dog according to the package directions. Place in the bun and top with the chili, mustard, and dill relish. Serve with onion rings or French fries.

Makes 1 serving.

ONE-BITE PIZZAS

Downing an entire beer in one breath? Big deal. Now you can brag to your buddies that you can take out a whole pizza in one bite.

1/2 (12-ounce) bag veggie burger crumbles

1/2 (14-ounce) tube vegan sausage

1 (14-ounce) jar pizza sauce or any other tomato sauce

4 slices vegan cheese, cut into quarters

1 bag mini bagels, toasted

Mix the crumbles and sausage together and nuke for 2 to 3 minutes, or until warm. Take out of the microwave and mix in the pizza sauce. Spoon onto the bagels, top with 1/4 of a slice of cheese, and nuke for 20 seconds, or until the cheese is melted.

Makes 4 servings.

OYSTER CRACKER SNACKERS

So good you can’t just have one…

3/4 cup olive oil

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon onion powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 (24-ounce) bag oyster crackers

Additional onion powder and garlic powder, to taste

Mix the oil, garlic powder, onion powder, and salt together in a small bowl. Place the crackers on a baking sheet with a lip and pour the oil mixture over the crackers, sprinkling them with more garlic powder and onion powder. Let sit for 10 minutes, mix, then let sit for an additional 20 minutes. Mix again and eat.

Makes 4 servings.

NERDY BIRDY CHICK’N BYTES

Fake chicken for peeps who spend most of their time in a fake world. Hearty enough for hard-core gamers and enough to feed an entire army of avatars.

1 package taco seasoning

1 tablespoon vegan mayonnaise

1 (8-ounce) package vegan chicken strips

Salsa

Mix the taco seasoning with the mayonnaise. Put the mixture in a large resealable bag and add the chicken. Shake the bag like crazy to coat the chicken. Remove from the bag, put on a plate, and nuke for 1 minute. Dip in salsa.

Makes 4 servings.

SHUCKIN’ AWESOME CORN ON THE COB

A delicious meal and if you’re feeling crafty, a chance to be the only guy on campus rocking a corncob pipe. Everyone knows that ladies can’t resist a corncob pipe. How do you think Mark Twain got so much tail?

4 ears of corn, still in the husk

Salt, pepper, and vegan margarine, to taste

Pop two of the ears of corn in the microwave and nuke for 8 minutes. Take the corn out of the microwave with your oven mitts or other hand-protecting device and shuck the corn. Repeat with the other two ears of corn. Put the shucked corn on a plate and top with salt, pepper, and margarine, or just eat it plain.

Makes 4 servings.

LEMONY CARROTS

And meat-eaters say that vegetarians only eat rabbit food. Oh, wait…

1/2 (10-ounce) bag baby carrots

1 tablespoon vegan margarine

1 tablespoon lemon juice, or more to taste

Salt and pepper, to taste

Arrange the carrots in a single layer on a plate and dot with margarine. Cover and nuke for 6 minutes, or until almost tender. Sprinkle with lemon juice and season with salt and pepper.

Makes 4 servings.

POOR MAN’S PIZZAS

Ivy-league eating on a community-college budget.

24 crackers of your choice

1/4 cup pizza sauce

24 slices vegan pepperoni or other “meat” topping of your choice

1 1/2 cups finely shredded mozzarella-style vegan cheese

Top each cracker with some pizza sauce, pepperoni or other meat, and vegan cheese. Microwave for 1 minute, or until the “cheese” is melted.

Makes 4 servings.

HAPPY TRAILZ MIX

Great for grazing a trail across campus.

1/2 cup corn-puff cereal (try Corn Pops or Kix)

1/2 cup mixed nuts

1/4 cup mini pretzels

1/4 cup dried pineapple

1/4 cup raisins

1 vegan chocolate bar, broken apart

1/4 cup coconut flakes (optional)

Mix all the ingredients together.

Makes 4 servings.

THE “I MISS MY MOMMY” SPECIAL

Homesick roomie? Show the poor chump some love with this home-style favorite—but also remind him that you’ll have to ground him if he doesn’t start acting like a “big boy.”

2 (14.5-ounce) cans French-style green beans, drained

1 (2.8-ounce can) French-fried onions

3 tablespoons nutritional yeast

1 tablespoon vegetarian chicken-style broth powder (try Imagine’s No-Chicken Broth)

1 teaspoon garlic powder

Salt, to taste

Combine all of the ingredients and put into a microwave-safe bowl. Nuke for 3 minutes or until hot. Eat.

Makes 4 servings.

PIZZA FUN-DO

Totally do-able cheezy fondue that will leave your friends swooning.

1 (12-ounce) bag veggie burger crumbles

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 teaspoon garlic powder

2 (10-ounce) cans pizza sauce

3 cups vegan cheese, shredded

Cubed French bread

Mix the crumbles with the onion and garlic powders and nuke until warm, about 1 minute. Mix in the remaining ingredients, except the bread. Nuke, uncovered, for 12 to 14 minutes, until the cheese melts. Stir to blend. Serve with bread cubes to dip into the fondue.

Makes 4 servings.

CAULI-FLOWER POWER FLORETS

Dig that Dijon.

1 (14-ounce) bag frozen cauliflower florets

1/2 cup vegan mayonnaise

1/4 cup Dijon mustard

1 cup shredded cheddar-style vegan cheese

Place the cauliflower in a bowl and nuke for 5 minutes, or until warm. Remove from the microwave. In another bowl, mix the mayonnaise and the mustard. Spoon onto the cauliflower and top with the cheese. Nuke for an additional 2 minutes, or until the cheese is melted.

Makes 4 servings.

PANCAKE PIZZA

You already start the day at the crack of noon; you might as well combine lunch with breakfast, too.

1 cup vegan pancake mix

1/2 cup soy milk

1 1/2 teaspoons egg replacer mixed with 2 tablespoons water

1/2 (8-ounce) can mushrooms, pieces and stems

1/2 (8-ounce) can black olives, sliced

1/2 cup shredded vegan cheese

Pizza sauce, to taste

In a small bowl, mix together the pancake mix, soy milk, and egg replacer/water mixture. Stir until blended. Add the mushrooms, olives, and cheese. Microwave for 2 minutes, or until solid. Top with pizza sauce and enjoy.

Makes 1 serving.

STADIUM CORN DOGS

Feel free to put these on a stick to get the experience of the game from the comfort of your room.

1 cup cornmeal

1 cup all-purpose flour (unbleached)

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1/3 cup canola oil

1 cup soy milk

1 teaspoon egg replacer mixed with 1/4 cup of water

4 veggie dogs, sliced

Ketchup and mustard, for dipping

Put dry ingredients (except the hot dogs) in one bowl and mix; put the wet ingredients in another bowl and mix. Combine the wet and dry ingredients into a square casserole dish and mix until smooth. Plop the hot dogs in the mixture equal distance apart and pop in the microwave. Nuke on high for 5 minutes or until surface appears dry, rotating bowl after 2–3 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes before serving. Cut into squares and serve with ketchup and mustard for dipping.

Makes 4 servings.

NO-PAN CROUTONS

D elicious with salad or on their own, and way better than those crusty little bricks they serve at the caf.

1/4 cup vegan margarine

2 teaspoons garlic powder

1 teaspoon salt

4 cups French bread, cut into 3/4-inch cubes

Place the margarine in a bowl and nuke for 1 minute, or until melted. Stir in the garlic and salt. Add the bread cubes, stirring gently to coat. Place in a bowl and microwave on high for 4 1/2 to 5 minutes, stirring 2 or 3 times. Let cool. Store in an airtight container. (The croutons will crisp as they cool.)

Makes 4 servings.

GRANDMA’S HOMEMADE APPLESAUCE

Your nana probably slaved in a hot kitchen for hours to make hers. Sucker.

1/3 cup dried raisins or other dried fruit

2/3 cup water

2 cups apple slices

Cinnamon, for garnish

Place dried fruit in a bowl, cover with some water, and let sit for 15 minutes. Drain and place them in a blender with the apple slices and puree. Top with some cinnamon before serving.

Makes 4 servings.

SLAYER’S SLICE

One taste, and you can ward off any campus vampires simply by breathing on them.

Rolls of any kind, cut in half (hamburger buns, hot dog buns, dinner rolls, etc.), toasted

Olive oil

Garlic salt

Dried oregano or parsley, if you have it

Brush the sliced side of the bread with a little olive oil (you don’t want to soak it, but make sure the surface is covered). Sprinkle with a little garlic salt and dried oregano or parsley, if using. Nuke in a microwave for 15 seconds.

Makes 4 servings.

GODDESS OF THE GARBANZOS

You’ll become an empowered empress and be ready to take on the world once this dish touches your taste buds.

1 (15-ounce) can chickpeas, drained

1/4 cup Annie’s Goddess Dressing

Mix together the dressing and chickpeas in a bowl and eat.

Makes 2 servings.

EXTRA CREDIT “HAM” TOAST POINTS

0% effort; 110% satisfacción.

2 (5.5-ounce) packages vegan ham deli slices

3 cups vegan mayonnaise

1 cup soy parmesan cheese

1 cup shredded or diced vegan cheddar cheese

2 teaspoons garlic powder

1 teaspoon onion powder

2 large loaves Italian bread

Tear apart the slices of ham, then combine them in a bowl with the mayo, cheeses, garlic powder, and onion powder. Slice and toast the bread; when toasted, top with a spoonful of the spread. Pop them in the microwave until the cheese is melted.

Makes 8 servings.

FRANKIE’S FARTS

Not a good meal to eat before a date, an exam, or pretty much any situation where others will be trapped in close proximity to you, but delicious nonetheless! Our apologies to your roommate.

1 (15.5-ounce) can vegetarian baked beans

1 package vegan hot dogs

Open the can of beans and pour into a microwave-safe bowl. Slice or tear apart however many veggie dogs you would like to use and place in the same bowl. Nuke for 3 minutes and eat.

Makes 4 servings.

GOLIVE HARDEN BRUSCHETTA

Like the fancy stuff at that Italian place, without the crying babies and jacked-up prices.

1 (14.5-ounce) can diced tomatoes, drained

1 (2.25-ounce) can chopped black olives, drained

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 teaspoons balsamic vinegar (or less for a milder flavor) Garlic powder, to taste

Salt and pepper, to taste

1 whole-wheat pita

Put the tomatoes and olives in a bowl and mix together. Add the olive oil and balsamic vinegar and stir, mixing well. Season with garlic powder, salt, and pepper. Toast the pita in toaster. Tear into smaller pieces. Dip into the tomato mixture, scooping some of the olives and tomatoes, and eat!

Makes 2 servings.

EZ CHEEZY BROCCOLEEZY

No, nutritional yeast is not a malady caused by malnutrition. It’s a delicious cheese alternative best when served smothered on broccoli. ’Nuff said.

1 (10-ounce) bag frozen broccoli florets

1/4 cup nutritional yeast

salt, to taste

2 tablespoons margarine

Nuke the broccoli for 4 minutes. Set aside. Mix the salt and nutritional yeast together and sprinkle onto the broccoli. Add the margarine and nuke for 1 minute. Stir together and eat!

Makes 2 servings.

DON’T GET CREAMED SPINACH

Let’s face it, that inadvertent bicep curl you do when you bring your fork to your mouth is as close as you’re going to get to pumping iron. Better load up on as much spinach as you can.

3/4 cup soy milk

2 tablespoons vegan margarine

2 tablespoons flour

1/4 teaspoon salt

Pepper, to taste

1 (10-ounce) package frozen spinach, thawed

Heat everything but the spinach together in the microwave for 30 seconds. Stir. Heat again for 30 seconds. Stir again. Add the thawed spinach and nuke for 1 minute. Stir and eat.

Makes 2 servings.

“AGE OF ASPARAGUS” SPEARS

As nutty as Brit with a far-out flavor. This steamy veggie is guaranteed to get you some crunchy hippie-chick love.

1/2 pound fresh asparagus, woody ends trimmed or snapped off

2 teaspoons red wine vinegar

3–4 tablespoons olive oil

Salt and black pepper, to taste

Chopped walnuts

Nuke the asparagus for 2 to 3 minutes, until crisp but tender. While it’s cooking, whisk together the vinegar, oil, salt, and pepper. To serve, drizzle the vinaigrette over the asparagus and garnish with the chopped walnuts.

Makes 2 servings.

BOOZY BEER BREAD

The bad news is that it won’t slide through your beer bong. The good news is you can seriously eat about twenty loaves of this beer-soaked bread before someone wrestles your car keys from you.

2 cups self-rising flour

1 cup all-purpose flour

3 tablespoons sugar

12 ounces beer, at room temperature

Cooking spray, to coat

Cornflake crumbs, to taste

1 tablespoon vegan margarine, softened

Mix flours, sugar, and beer together to make your batter. Spray a glass loaf pan with cooking spray, then sprinkle the bottom and sides with crumbs. Spoon batter into pan and top with margarine, making sure top is evenly coated. Then add a light sprinkling of cornflake crumbs. Nuke on medium heat for 9 minutes, then on high heat for 2 minutes.

Makes 4 servings.

FANCY PANTS GREEN BEANS

Spicy as an Argentine salsa on that TV dance show you’ll never admit you like, but much more appetizing then the “manitards” the contestants wear.

1 (15-ounce) can fancy sliced green beans, drained

1 tablespoon vegan margarine

1 tablespoon salsa

1/2 teaspoon spicy sesame oil

Mix everything together in a bowl and nuke for about 1 1/2 minutes, until hot.

Makes 4 servings.

FRIENDS WITH BENNIES BAKED BEANS

An easy and fulfilling recipe you don’t have to commit a lot of time or energy to. And much like that FWB thing you got going on, these beans may come back later to bite you in the ass.

1 (16-ounce) can baked beans, undrained

1 (16-ounce) can red kidney beans, drained

1/2 cup chunky style prepared salsa

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 teaspoon prepared mustard

Combine all the ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Cover with microwave-safe wax paper and nuke for 7 to 9 1/2 minutes, or until the flavors are blended, stirring twice during cooking.

Makes 4 servings.

MUY CALIENTE CORN

Being set up by a friend? Cook this to impress your date. At least if the date’s not hot, the corn will be.

1 (14-ounce) can corn, drained

1 (7-ounce) can diced jalapeños, drained

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 (4-ounce) jar pimentos

2 tablespoons vegan margarine

Salt and pepper, to taste

Combine the corn, jalapeños, onion powder, pimentos, and margarine in a microwave-safe bowl. Cover and nuke for 4 minutes or until hot, stirring every minute or so. Add salt and pepper and eat.

Makes 4 servings.

TROPICAL LOVE TRIANGLES

Polynesian-inspired toaster points as sweet and satisfying as any tropical delight you can imagine, but without any of the travel hassles.

8 slices of your favorite bread

1 (15-ounce) can tomato sauce

1 (14-ounce) can pineapple, crushed and drained

1 box vegan baked ham deli slices

1 package mozzarella-style vegan cheese (Tofutti melts the best in this case)

Cut crusts off bread. Toast the bread and cut each piece in half diagonally so you have two triangles. Take the bread out of the toaster and spread the tomato sauce on each slice. Tear up a slice of ham and place on top of the toast, then sprinkle the pineapple on the toast and top with vegan cheese. Repeat process for each piece of toast. Pop in the microwave for 30 seconds or until cheese is melted.

Makes 4 servings.

STUFFED DORM ROOM ’SHROOMS

Stuffed to the top and packed full of crumbs. Like your side of the room—but much more tastefully done.

1/2 pound medium-size mushrooms, washed, with stems removed and saved

4 tablespoons vegan margarine

1/2 cup chopped chives

3 tablespoons breadcrumbs

Arrange the mushroom caps, hollow side up, in a single layer in a baking dish. Set aside. Chop up the mushroom stems and combine with the margarine and chives in another dish. Nuke, uncovered, for 3 to 4 minutes, stirring twice. Add the breadcrumbs, stir, and set aside. Cover the mushroom caps and nuke for 2 to 3 minutes, or until nearly cooked, rotating the dish a half turn after the first minute. Stuff each cap with some of the breadcrumb mixture. Cover and nuke for 2 minutes, or until hot.

Makes 4 servings.

NO “DOUGH” PIZZA

Blew all your pizza money on beer books? No problem— make your own, no “dough” needed!

1 slice bread

Spaghetti sauce, to taste

1 slice vegan cheese

4 slices vegan pepperoni

Toast the bread in the toaster. Take out and top with the sauce, cheese, and pepperoni. Place in microwave and nuke until the cheese is melted.

Makes 1 serving.

LIMON SPINACH

It’s like the liquor: tasty, fresh, and delicious, except you can’t get arrested for carrying this in an open container.

2 (10-ounce) bags pre-washed fresh spinach, rinsed

5 tablespoons vegan margarine

2 tablespoons lemon juice (fresh or from squirt bottle)

2 teaspoons garlic powder

Salt and pepper to taste

Put the spinach in a serving dish. Add the margarine, garlic, and lemon juice. Cover with plastic wrap. Nuke for about 2 minutes, or until the margarine is melted and the spinach is wilted. Remove the plastic wrap and eat.

Makes 4 servings.