How I Found the Perfect Dress

i Was so nervous about the fact that i Was about to meet an actual leprechaun that I could barely bring myself to knock. I was afraid that I might frighten the shy, reclusive creature away. I shouldn’t have worried.

“What!” bellowed a male voice from behind the door. He sounded plenty big in attitude, if not in actual height.

“Relax, Jolly Dan,” the Wee Folk woman said. “I have a customer for you. Unless you’ve gone out of business?”

“Wiseass,” I could have sworn I heard him say. “This customer—it’s not a great looming skyscraper of a thing, like you, is it?”

“Not quite, no,” the woman replied, rolling her eyes. She was a few inches taller than me. “But not a shrimp like you either.”

The Wee Folk woman turned to me. “Don’t take any nonsense from Jolly Dan,” she stage-whispered. “He can be horribly rude, but it’s just an act. Inside he’s really very sweet.”

The little door flew open. There, looking every inch a leprechaun (and there were maybe twenty-four inches of him, total), was a miniature bearded man, green coat, buckle boots, smoking a pipe, the whole deal. He looked me up and down and made a face of pure revulsion.

“Disgusting!” he roared. “That is, without question, the most hideous dress I’ve ever seen!”

“Jolly Dan Dabby,” said the woman coolly, “allow me to present the Half-Goddess Morganne.” She bent down and gave a knock to the top of his hat. “She’s a partial divinity, you shrunken oaf! She is a very prestigious customer.”

“By the beard of Saint Patrick, I hope you’re not going to ask Jolly Dan Dabby to make shoes to match that puke-a-thon of a gown,” he grumbled. “I’d rather retire right now! And I can afford to, believe you me.”

“Perhaps this conversation should take place in private,” the Wee Folk woman said, fanning herself with a hand. “Where it can’t upset anyone’s digestion.”

“Well,” he said, after the staring contest got old. “Come in, then.” And he disappeared back through the three-foot-high door.

What could I do? Feeling very Alice in Wonderland, I gathered up my poofy taffeta skirt, crouched down and prepared to wiggle my way through.

Jolly Dan stuck his head back out. “Not that way, you ‘half-goddess.’ ” He said it like he’d meant to say “half-wit.” “Use the service entrance! Does Jolly Dan Dabby have to do all the thinking around here?”

it turned out the service entrance Was a normal-sized door, partially hidden behind one of the dress racks in the hallway. The Wee Folk woman offered many anxious reminders to be careful with her precious pink creation, and threw in more ass-kissy compliments about how stunning I looked in it. I assured her that Jolly Dan had not altered my opinion of the dress one bit, which was the sad truth.

Then she left, and I entered the shoemaker’s shop alone. Luckily the ceiling was high enough for me to stand, if I scrunched a little bit.

Jolly Dan was already back at work, alternately puffing on his pipe and tap-tap-tapping away on a cowboy boot that was nearly as big as he was.

“You’re not really gonna wear that thing, are you?” he remarked, as he worked. “It’s like—like—”

“Like Cinderella fell into a vat of Pepto-Bismol, I know,” I agreed. “But it’s all I have at the moment.” I watched him hammer away at the boot, and wondered what would be the best way to raise the subject of Colin’s enchantment. Jolly Dan didn’t seem the type who would automatically help out a tackily dressed stranger just because she’d turned up in his shop with a spell to unravel.

“Jolly Dan prefers to be left alone,” he snapped. “Do you need shoes or not?”

Okay, chitchat was definitely not the right approach. “I need your help,” I said. “I have a friend who’s been enchanted by the Faery Folk.”

“A friend, or more than a friend?” His bushy eyebrows waggled up and down independently of each other. “You only get one chance to ask Jolly Dan for a favor, you know. Don’t mess it up with half-truths, you half-goddess, you.”

“He’s more than a friend,” I corrected myself. “He’s very special to me. That’s why Queen Titania enchanted him.”

“Is he just a mortal, then? Or some fraction of a bigshot divinity, like you?”

“He’s a mortal,” I replied, though I had never thought of Colin as “just” a mortal. “He’s a normal, human-type guy.”

“Good luck to him, then.” Jolly Dan put his pipe down, flipped the boot over and placed it on a shoe form that held it securely upside down. There was a big hole in the bottom of the boot, and he shook his head in disapproval.

“My friend’s name is Colin,” I went on stubbornly. I hadn’t come this far to let a grouchy leprechaun blow me off. “They make him attend the faery balls every night while he’s supposed to be sleeping, even though he doesn’t want to. It’s exhausting, and it’s making him sick.”

Jolly Dan snipped around the sole of the boot with a tiny pair of scissors. Each snip seemed angrier than the last. “Jolly Dan never goes to those balls,” he growled. “I don’t suppose you’d care to know why?”

“Because.” He ripped the worn-out sole off the boot with a single pull. “Do you know how hard it is to dance with someone more than twice your size?”

OMG, I thought. Is that what’s bugging this guy? His height? “It’s pretty difficult, I’d imagine,” I said, with as much sympathy as I could muster.

“It is. It’s embarrassing, is what it is. How tall is this ‘special friend’ of yours?”

“Ha!” he exclaimed. “Jolly Dan Dabby has no sympathy. None. What. So. Ever.”

“Mr. Dabby,” I pleaded. “My friend isn’t well, and it’s getting worse by the day. I honestly don’t know how long he can survive with so little rest.” I sank down to my knees to be at eye level with the leprechaun. “I’ve been told that you are the only person who can help me release him from this enchantment. Is that true?”

“It is,” he said, taking a fresh piece of leather from a nearby shelf. “And I suppose you want me to tell you how.”

He trimmed the leather into the proper shape as he spoke. “Well, first I’d have to know his shoe size.”

“Not your silly numbers.” He snorted. “I’d need an actual shoe of his, one that his own foot has thoroughly broken in. A shoe that fits him—”

“No, semi-goddess-girl, like a shoe! Gloves go on the hands.” He shook his head at my stupidity. “Once I’ve got a shoe that’s molded to his foot, I fashion a form from it. Then I make him a brand new pair.” He took a puff on his pipe and smiled. “Lovely dancing shoes. Ones that have a little magic in them.”

“Then he has to put them on, you genius! Not on these!” He wiggled his fingers in my face. “On his feet! One spin around the dance floor wearing my shoes, and the enchantment’s broken. He’ll be your own overgrown, ‘normal, human-type guy’ once more. Sounds like a real loser if you ask me.” He made a gagging gesture with his finger.

I ignored the loser comment. “Does that mean the faeries won’t bother him again?” I asked, thinking of Mike Fitch and every other boy I might conceivably meet in my life. “Or will they find other mortals to take his place?”

He chuckled darkly. “They wouldn’t dare, believe me. All those hard-partying Faery Folk come to me for their dancing shoes. If they cross me even once, I’ll make ’em so their toes pinch and their feet blister.” He took out a second small hammer and, now using both hands, doubled his efforts tapping in the new sole of the boot.

So all I need to save Colin is a pair of magic shoes made by a leprechaun? I thought. Piece of cake! “Well,” I said, feeling relieved. “This won’t be too difficult, then!”

“Not for you, chickie,” Jolly Dan said. “I’m the one that has to make the shoes. If we can work out a deal, of course.”

“Jolly Dan has plenty of money.” His two-hammered tapping on the bottom of the boot was starting to take on familiar rhythms. It reminded me of Dylan’s signature drum riff from “Rock and Roll All Nite,” but a lot of those heavy metal drum parts sounded alike to me, frankly. “Jolly Dan Dabby only makes shoes that he wants to make,” the leprechaun added, with an air of mystery.

I could tell this half-pint grump wanted something, but what was it? He wasn’t making it easy to find out. “Will you do it to help Colin, then?”

His face reddened with anger. “I should knock myself out bringing more happiness to a six-foot lunk who’s already got a half-goddess girlfriend?” The redder he turned, the louder he got. “What about me? What about Jolly Dan’s needs?”

Hmmm, I thought. It’s never a good sign when you talk about yourself in the third person. “I think I get it,” I said. “You want to be the apple of someone’s eye, don’t you?”

He looked startled, as if he might say something, but then he turned back to his work. I watched him in silence.

“Don’t be so hasty! What I’m going to ask you to do isn’t easy. In fact, it’s probably impossible. Very probably.”

Definitely impossible might be an obstacle, but very probably impossible were odds I thought I could handle. I listened.

“I’ll make your boring, ordinary human-guy the shoes,” he said slowly, “if you find me a date for the Spring Faery Ball. A real date,” he added. “Someone like me. Not a giant klutz of a girl. No offense.”

“That’ll be a cinch,” I said, giddy with relief. “Fixing up a charming and attractive gentleman like you?”

“You forgot prosperous.” Then he looked embarrassed. “Even so, it’s not going to be as easy as you think.”

“Because,” he said, giving me a don’t they teach you giant klutzes anything at school? look. “There are no female leprechauns. Didn’t you know that? Duh.”

That piece-of-cake feeling disappeared like a wisp of smoke from Jolly Dan’s pipe. “Duh,” I echoed stupidly. “I forgot about that.” My mind turned over the possibilities. “Does it have to be a girl?” I asked, after a moment. “I’m just checking.”

Jolly Dan gave a sad shrug. “Yup. Sorry, but that’s the way I swing. It’s a frustrating situation, to say the least.” He lifted the resoled boot off the form and examined it. “Look,” he said with a sniff. “Even these smelly things come in pairs. Now, if you don’t mind, I have work to do.”

“I’ll find you someone,” I said, as touched by his loneliness as I was determined to help Colin. “Get yourself a tux and practice your dance moves. I’ll be back.”

“Yeah, right,” he scoffed. His voice was gruff, but I could have sworn I saw him quickly wipe away a tear. “See ya’round, tall stuff.”

i left jollЧ dan’s shop the same WaЧ i Came in, through the service door that, from the inside, was marked with a plaque reading GIANT KLUTZES EXIT HERE. And I managed to wheedle the beautiful beige dress back from the Wee Folk woman by asking her to store the pink gown for me until prom.

“I don’t want to get it dirty,” I explained. “My sister likes to play dress up with my clothes.”

“I completely understand,” she said grandly. “We’ll take excellent care of it. Are you and Mr. Dabby all set about the shoes?”

Naturally I hadn’t bothered to ask Jolly Dan Dabby about pink shoes, but it’s not like I was going to be needing them. I had no intention of putting that pink dress on ever again.

“I think Jolly Dan understands exactly what I want,” I told her. “But now I have to go. Would you mind showing me back to the—the, uh—”

I followed her back into the hallway. The elevator was small, with a folding iron gate across the door. With a strong pull she yanked the gate open and held it while I stepped inside. The interior was completely mirrored, even the ceiling.

“Relax and pamper yourself,” she called, pulling the gate shut with a clang. “Get a manicure! A facial! A massage! You only get to go to your junior prom once!”

I pressed the button that read STROHMAN’S DRESSING ROOM (the other one read HARRODS) and the elevator lurched into motion, though whether it was going up, down or sideways I couldn’t say.