Respecting His Desire to Provide, Protect, and Even Die
A mom shared a most delightful story of her six-year-old boy:
I took our five children outside to run off energy one evening after dinner. Thunder started rumbling. We agreed to stay out until the rain came. It began slowly but picked up momentum quickly, so the children were anxious to get back to the house. Our two-year-old was riding a push bike, and he wasn’t bothered by the rain at all. So when the older children began to complain about how long it was taking, I gave them the house keys and told them to run ahead and get in the house. Three of them ran ahead, but six-year-old old Sam stayed with me and his little brother. I urged him to run ahead with the others and get in the house because by this time the thunder was loud and the rain was heavy. Sam replied, “No way, mom. I’d rather make myself die than leave you out here in this storm.” Then after a short pause (he must have been feeling brave), he added, “And if a robber comes to the house, don’t be afraid,’cause I will be nearby.” And although the cuteness of it made me want to giggle, I could see that he took it very seriously. Sam’s daddy certainly models this sort of character, but I can’t ever think of a time when Sam would have heard anyone talk like that.
Sam did not have to hear this kind of talk from his dad in order to be protective over his mother. God designed boys, including Sam, with a natural desire to provide, protect, and die for others.
The Protective Instinct
The man is in the boy. Early hints of this desire will appear in various ways. A mother needs to pay attention. When her boy is dressed up like a cowboy or a superhero and tells her that he will protect her, she often overlooks the significance of his comments and only notices how cute he is.
A mother should not dismiss these expressions any more than she would dismiss her daughter pretending to mother her baby doll. No mother turns a blind eye to her preschool-age daughter playing mommy. Instead, she affirms her maternalism with, “You are a wonderful mommy!” Mothers understand little girls because a few years ago they were little girls too. However, will she identify with her son’s bold claims to insulate her from harm?
God put inside every boy something that stirs him to be brave and protective. There is no Scripture that announces, “Fight for your husbands,” only for “your wives” (Neh. 4:14). God does not require a woman to be the primary protector of the man. Yes, she watches over the children, but he secures the family in other ways. This is a male phenomenon around the world. God put this chivalrous instinct inside men. To Christ-following men, safeguarding women and children is a divine duty.
When your boy moves into teen years, you will see his instinct to protect you when something arises that could threaten or harm you. Watch for his safeguarding penchant and sing his praises.
Early Signs in Boys
In studying male preschoolers, researchers have recognized their tendencies to defend their domain and property, to be competitive, and to combat without fear of conflict. Here’s my question: Is defending property a good thing or a bad thing? Is this competitive nature without fear of conflict a vice or virtue? Sarah asked our four-year-old grandson, Jackson, what he did at preschool with his friends when outside playing. “We got to keep away the bad guys.”
There is virtue here. A mom can see the early formation of an honorable man learning how to defend what he thinks is right. In pretend play he protects the fort against evil invaders. Or when his friend unfairly grabs his toy from him, he grabs it back, and they tussle with each other. This is less about getting the toy back and more about fighting for justice. That is a good thing. He should not be shamed for demanding justice. Fair is fair. Even so, he needs coaching on better ways to handle these moments. There is a front-sided strength in the face of his back-sided weakness.
Mom can take her son aside and say, “I respect your desire to be treated fairly. He was wrong for grabbing the toy. I know that troubled you, and I am glad that it did trouble you. But as an honorable man, what can you do next time?” Ask him for a solution. Give him the opportunity to figure it out. Kids are moral and spiritual beings who know right from wrong and need to be asked. When they come up with their own solution, they own it.
As for the boy who says, “Well, I don’t know what to do. He keeps grabbing the toy from me,” a mom can say, “Okay, the next time it happens, come to me, and I will talk to him.” Every mom needs to see her young son’s desire to defend against injustice and do combat on behalf of justice. Once she perceives this, her boy’s play takes on a whole new meaning.
What about those moments in which he selfishly and foolishly grabs a toy or enters a fray with no thought of personal safety? When a boy selfishly defends what he wrongly thinks is his, a mom needs to instruct,
“Johnny, do you know what I see in you? You want to be a strong protector. I like the way that you defend what is yours. At the same time, I have a question: What do you feel when your friend takes what is yours? I know you don’t like it when he takes what is yours. For this reason, you must not take what is his to play with, and it is not honorable to fight with someone who has a right to play with his toy.”
Affirm his virtues; correct the vices. You must appeal to this honorable nature of your boy.
Remember, boys are not girls. Girls will naturally negotiate; whereas, boys can be much more aggressive in the early years. There is a bad side to this aggression, but as the boy ages, he will naturally and physically defend and protect the weak. For example, most boys will physically go after another boy who kicks his sister’s cat. Evil is in the world, and evil does not negotiate. Most violent crimes come from a small percentage of men, and other men must go after these men. Yes, there are female cops who carry guns, but on a day in, day out basis with families around the world, the men are prepared to physically defend the family unit. My grandson Jackson gets it right. There are bad guys out there, and somebody needs to keep those bad guys away.
In my home I live with the thought that there is one deranged man out there, within a fifty-mile radius, ready to enter my home and do us harm if he can get away with it. Men know that man is out there. Women are a bit more naïve because they are not predators. It isn’t that they do not know these things, but generally, they are preoccupied with love relationships and do not pay attention to the shadows. Sarah does not think about a deranged man showing up at the door. I do. Truth is, he may never show up; but I feel conscious of the possibility and responsible to do combat with this guy in the event he showed up in the middle of the night to do Sarah harm. It is not in my nature to scream and then cry out, “Sarah, do something!” That’s laughable. God wired me to protect, and most every wife I have met rejoices over the feeling of being protected by men, not vice versa. For this reason, every mother must affirm this desire in her son.
What I find odd is that the same woman who wants her husband to defend her against a disrespectful clerk at the gas station and wants to know that her husband will do combat on her behalf when she hears an intruder in the middle of the night is the same woman will also pounce on her little boy’s combative nature when he goes after a boy who pushed his sister. Voices in the culture declare, “He will be violent and abusive unless you rebuke him.” But wait a minute here. We cannot have it both ways. If a woman wants her husband to defend her with no concern about his personal safety, she needs to give some leeway here to her boy who has no regard for his own safety when defending his sister. Yes, maybe he shouldn’t get physical. But boys play tackle football, and such scuffles are not that damaging to their self-image. They do not interpret it as abuse but courage. The chaplain of Wheaton College, Jim Hutchens, the first clergyman wounded in the Vietnam War, told me, “You need to let boys react naturally before you demand that they learn how to react supernaturally.” Boys learn through trial and error, and wrestling the boy to the ground who pushed his sister is not necessarily a bad thing. Mom may want to look the other way. He will learn soon enough if he wants to do that again or negotiate.
Headship of the Husband Equals Dying as the Savior Died
We read in Ephesians 5:23: “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.” God does not call a wife to fulfill the headship role. What woman wants to be the one with the primary responsibility to provide for and protect her husband, and even die for him?
Headship means serving and dying as the Savior died, and this is a male thing. Let me reiterate: headship (hierarchy) is felt in a boy as a responsibility, not a right. As Christ acted responsibly as the head of the body, being the Savior, so most men feel like the Christ figure, who must fulfill his duty to protect. A boy desires to be this umbrella of protection out of a sense of honorable duty. He envisions himself as the prince rescuing the damsel in distress. That desire is not a chauvinistic zeal to exercise dominance over a woman. He is light-years away from thinking, I will treat her like a doormat under my feet.
Jesus said in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” This idea of laying down one’s life runs deep in men.
We saw this God-given desire in our son David displayed during his college days. Sarah recounts:
When we did a Love and Respect Conference in California, near where my son went to college, Emerson and I brought along our daughter, Joy, a senior in high school, who was on spring break. It so happened on that first day, she stayed in the hotel room, catching up on the three hours difference in time. When my son David, Emerson, and I came to her hotel room, we knocked on the door for her to come with us. We could hear the television up very loud, but she did not come to the door. So Emerson knocked again, and she still didn’t come to the door. Her room was on the ground floor and had a sliding door to the outside, a garden hotel room. Emerson decided to go around to the side. He saw the sliding door slightly open, but he could not push it open. When he returned, I saw a look of alarm on his face. He turned to David and commanded, “David, you stay here. I’m going to get the manager. If anybody comes through that door, you nail him.” I thought, Whoa! This is serious. Emerson did not ask me to nail the guy coming out of the room. I wasn’t a part of the solution here. I think they knew I’d be praying, but what I saw in my son was this: he put his shoulders back; he didn’t say, “No, dad, no, don’t make me do that.” I mean, he rose to the occasion. And it hit me. This guy is going to take on anyone who runs out of that room. He’s going to nail him. Now, if you had said to me when those two kids were little that he would die for his sister, I would not have believed you. But what I saw in him is something designed by God. Well, Emerson went to the manager, who returned to unlock the door to Joy’s room. There she slept, dead to the world. She sat up, wondering what all the commotion was about. We were thankful she was alive, but oh what a lesson I learned that day about men being willing to die.
In Aurora, Colorado, a madman entered a theater during a movie and opened fire on the crowd. Three young men threw themselves over their girlfriends and took the bullets. Later the girls walked out of the theater; their boyfriends were carried out—dead. Some female commentators in the media expressed their perplexity over this disproportionate death toll of men to women. That perplexity showed the gradual dimming into darkness for some about the male virtue to protect. This is not to degrade females or argue they lack bravery. Had these girls been mothers with little children, they would have thrown themselves over their kids like mother hens. They would have died. But the pecking order remains: men protect women and children, women protect children, and older children protect younger children. I can tell you this: not one man on the planet found himself perplexed by those guys dying for their girlfriends.
At our conference, I ask, “A murderer enters the home of a father, mother, and three children. He enters to kill one person and then promises to let the others go in exchange for this death. Who dies?” The crowd answers in unison, “The man!”
Many women have confided in me that they pay little attention to this desire in men to protect and die, but when they do honor this desire, it is deeply touching. A female Texas professor who has received many accolades followed my teaching about men needing respect. She incorporated a man’s need for respect in her lectures. She wrote:
Yesterday I spoke in Austin for the State Comptroller. After I spoke, one father hung around to visit. His heart is broken because of a wayward son. After discussing it, he said, “I wish women understood just that one word, respect.” He mumbled something about his son’s troubles being partly because of his divorce with the mother. I told him I knew he was an honorable man, and if a terrorist walked in, I knew he would stand between the terrorist and me. He said yes with much conviction and told me he would take the bullet for me. That is so precious to me. I said, “I think your son would too.” I encouraged him to tell his son he was proud of him and how he respected him and to try to separate the son’s performance from his respect for him.
This intellectual gets it.
Toys and Gun Violence
Step back and observe the types of toys marketed by toy manufacturers. For girls, why did figures like My Little Pony, Barbie, Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, and Cabbage Patch Kids keep selling for years? It isn’t because moms and dads tell girls to want these endearing figures, but such toys appeal to the nurturing and loving hearts of girls. Boys, on the other hand, lean toward action figures. An object to respect. Toy manufacturers get it! G.I. Joe, Star Wars, and Transformers. An adventure to enter, danger to face bravely, and strength to overcome. Boys long to be the respected character who conquers the foe and saves the innocent. Such a gift appeals to that instinct.
Again I ask, in having a pretend gun, is the little boy combating a foe or manifesting the early signs of a violent and criminal nature?
In his little mind every boy manufactures weapons as he enters combative play. Try as she might to control him by removing all toy guns and swords, one mother I heard about relented. “I give up. At the table this noon he turned his toasted cheese sandwich into a gun and sat there shooting out the window.” She could not stop him. It is innate. Then there’s the mother at the store I heard about who avoided the aisle with the toy pistols and light sabers, only to have her four-year-old son dart off to that section. When she caught up to him and grabbed him to stop him, he said, “Mommy. You do not like guns. I do like guns. You do not like coming to the guns. I like coming to the guns. Do not come with me.”
What is going on in these boys? Some declare this behavior proves a boy’s violent nature. But ask the boy, “Do you see yourself as a bad man out to hurt people by shooting them, or do you see yourself as a good man only shooting people who want to hurt innocent people?” He will answer it honorably.
As a mother studies her son more closely, she will see things that heretofore she would have brushed aside as unpleasant male behavior. Now she can value the richness of God’s design and honor the desire that drives her son.
Honor and guide your son. With the younger boy, say, “Johnny, I see you want to be strong and to protect the innocent against bad people. I respect that about you.” Watch his countenance in response to your Respect-Talk. You will see the Respect Effect. He will stand taller and think more about what is honorable. With the older sixteen- or seventeen-year-old boy, say such things as, “Having you in the home with me while your dad is gone makes me feel secure. I appreciate you.” Watch his response.
Honor the Little Things Your Boy Does
Here’s how one mom applied Respect-Talk once she realized this truth about her son:
I’ve seen the qualities of serving and protecting in my nine-year-old son toward me. When the [Love and Respect] seminar was over, I told my son (as we sat side by side) how honorable he was in coming to the stores with me at night and for waiting until I got into the car first, and I thanked him. He had a big goofy grin on his face, and not only did the same as he always does when I had to go to the store that night, but he opened and closed doors for me too!
Is this tough for you to say to your son? Some have completely missed the masculine soul’s declaration, “I wish to take care of you.” In the movies when the hero rescues the damsel and vows care of her for the rest of his life, out come the tissues, but in the halls of academia some of us posture ourselves differently.
When the longing in a boy to be respected and honored for this desire to provide and protect meets with scoffing in some quarters, it leaves him feeling bewildered and doubtful about himself. Apart from actually being pushed down, a boy will have normal doubts. He asks himself, Will I have what it takes to be able to provide, to protect, and even die? As a mother who loves her boy, you can respectfully answer, “Yes, you will have what it takes.”
Beyond doubt, he will have fears. For example, a preschooler fears many things. He needs his mom’s comfort and protection when he feels fear. He will not always be the brave warrior. Thunder, animals, and new people can create apprehension. In no way tease or taunt him by saying, “I thought you were brave. Are you a scaredy-cat?” Your son needs to experience freedom from ridicule when he shows fear. You need to encourage him to approach you during those moments without shame. Let him know that the bravest of men feel fear at times, and that’s okay.
Some miss the opportunity to verbally salute the teen boy dead-set on protecting his aunt, sister, and neighbor during a sudden storm of tornado potential. He herds them to a place of safety and stays on the lookout until the threat passes. Some wish to suppress this respect, for fear the vulnerability of the female will undermine her equality with a man; so giving praise to the son is silenced to prevent the conclusion that a female needs a male.
Apply G.U.I.D.E.S. to His Hierarchy
Give: Can I give something to help him provide and protect?
Younger Boy:
Set aside a space in the utility room for him so he can get a puppy that he has requested. Assuming he has verbally committed to feeding and caring for the dog, communicate,
“I believe in you and respect your desire to provide for and protect this dog. You are ready for this. You have what it takes to be responsible.”
Older Boy:
Let him know that you are proud of the way he babysits his younger brother and sister while you go on a date with dad. Tell him how blessed you are to know that at fifteen he is capable of protecting them and fixing dinner. Say,
“You are incredible. Not only are you worth the ten dollars an hour, but also you are such a great influence on your brother and sister who look up to you. Thank you. I respect you.”
Understand: Do I understand his struggle with providing or protecting?
Younger Boy:
As he becomes responsible for his first goldfish but ends up forgetting to feed it and it dies, what do you say to him? Tell him that you understand why he feels so bad and sad—because deep in his heart, which you respect, he had a desire to provide food for Ernie, his goldfish, and to protect it, but other things distracted him. Let him know that he will learn from this heartbreaking lesson. This loss will motivate him to make sure his next fish is fed every day.
Older Boy:
As he experiences getting laid off from a factory job midsummer when he needed to earn money for college in the fall, understand his feeling that he is unable to provide for himself. Empathize with the manly pressure he feels in the face of this unexpected and costly turn of events. As he deals with this setback, say, “I do not have a solution for you, but as a man you will figure out how to generate this income somehow.” Note: men need to be respected for their independence and finding their way. An adult son doesn’t need his mother to fix the situation for him.
To better understand what your son feels, recognize how men view each other. A great biblical story is that of David, the future king of Israel, taunting Abner, the soldier responsible for protecting King Saul. David had snuck into a cave as Saul slept and stolen his spear and water jug. He did so to prove he meant no harm to Saul since he could have killed him and become king. In 1 Samuel 26:15, David asks Abner, “Are you not a man?” Ouch! This hit Abner hard. A man guards that for which he is responsible. A man protects, which is a central component of the definition of the word man. David called Abner’s manhood into question. In the case of your son, he feels compelled to prove himself a man when among men. This is part of his makeup, and as you watch him, you will see this clearly.
Instruct: Can I instruct him on how to provide and protect?
Younger Boy:
When he seeks to protect his dog but leaves the gate open for the dog to run away, let him know that you instruct him because you respect him. Make sure he knows that you instruct because you have confidence in who he is becoming as a responsible protector, and the dog’s running away provides a great lesson and reminder.
Older Boy:
When he saves his money to buy an old clunker to drive to school, instruct him on his need to purchase insurance to protect himself and others—making sure to impart this information respectfully as one adult to another. Even though he may finagle to have you pay for the insurance, be sure to counter, “Look, you are a responsible and honorable person, and this is a teaching moment to learn about the way expenses add up. I would not be honoring you by removing these frustrations from you. Responsible people learn about and pay hidden costs.”
Discipline: Should I discipline him when he is too uncaring or fearful?
Younger Boy:
“I respect the desire God put in you to provide and protect. I supported your request to buy those gerbils. However, look at their cage. Two days have passed, and you have not cleaned it. Though you gave them food and water, the cage is a mess and smells. A man of honor cares for his animals. Here’s the deal. Each time I clean the cage, I take two dollars from your savings. Those gerbils look to you for their survival. They need you.”
Older Boy:
“We purchased that four-wheeler so you could ride the trails and back roads. But our deal was that you would service the machine, making sure it was clean, gassed, oiled, and responsibly handled. We saw your maturity and felt you’d protect this investment. Your dad and I went for a ride, only to run out of gas a half mile away from home. We had to walk back to get gas and then back to the four-wheeler. We also noted the right mirror had been shattered, and two of the tires were low. Can I be assured that you will take care of these matters because you wish to honor our agreement, or should we sell it on Craigslist?”
Guard against talking down to your son when disciplining him. A mom wrote:
Until recently, when I would discipline my oldest, I would talk down to him. You may ask yourself, Did this work? Obviously not. I was frustrated with the matter and had been praying for an answer on how to understand my son and his needs as a young man. Well, they are not very different from my husband’s. He appreciates respect, and his response has been positive and less frustrating to me.
When a mom discerns how her negativity appears and makes an adjustment, her relationship with her boy changes for the better. You do not need to ram home the truth with rudeness. In fact, when he knows you seek to honor his spirit while confronting his misbehavior, he’ll stay emotionally available. Soften your words. Truth will carry its own weight.
Encourage: Can I encourage him to keep on providing and protecting?
Younger Boy:
“I know that bully bothers you. Calling you a coward rips your heart apart. I am fully confident that you have the courage to ignore him. I respect your courage. But I also know this kind of thing lights a fire in a boy’s belly to learn self-defense. Karate is great exercise, and it makes one strong in self-defense. Would you like to attend a few karate classes? It’s a great way to learn how to protect yourself against a bully and to protect others against that bully if need be.”
Older Boy:
“The project you created last year in high school to provide a shoe box of needed items to kids in poverty got off to a good start with over a thousand shoe boxes given away. You said last year that you would continue these efforts. But I noticed in the last two weeks when you should be planning to contact various people to donate items that you haven’t done anything. I sense you are growing weary in doing good, which the Bible specifically addresses. I respect you and your vision. I know you must sacrifice personal interests for this outreach. But let me encourage you to roll up your sleeves. Here are some pictures and notes from a few of the kids as a reminder that the cause is worthy. This is so honorable.”
A boy is a boy. He wants to play, not be the father and husband who provides and protects. However, there are moments when he manifests this masculine desire to provide and protect, and when he does, use Respect-Talk as I suggest with these ages and stages.
Preschoolers (two to four years): “I respect you. When you put on that Superman outfit, I see you protecting the good people from bad people.”
School-age children (five to eight years): “I respect you. Today in the rainstorm I told you and your younger brother and sister to run to the house. But you said, ‘No, mommy, I need to stay with you and the baby.’ Thank you for wanting to protect me.”
Tweens (nine to twelve years): “I respect you. I watched you just before you went on that bike ride with your buddies. You checked their tires, made sure the locknuts were tight, and handed everyone a helmet. Your precaution showed me thoughtful leadership.”
Young teenagers (thirteen to fifteen years): “I respect you. I heard you defend your friend’s sister against that boy’s cruel comments about her. You are an honorable young man.”
Older teenagers (sixteen to eighteen years): “I respect how you drive. Before you leave, you check the mirrors and gas, and you make sure everyone puts on their seat belts. While driving, you focus on the road rather than engaging in conversation. I feel safe with you.”
Young adults (nineteen and older): “I respect your longing to serve in the military. That you wish to serve bravely to protect our freedoms touches me deeply. You are an honorable man. Thank you.”
With boys, these kinds of statements do not need to be made every day but at significant moments. These words ring in a boy’s ears for a long time. He remembers these comments. He feels energized and motivated by them.
Supplicate: Do I pray about his providing or protecting?
Younger Boy:
His kitten ran away. This is a good moment as a mother to pray with your son that God would help you both find the kitten. Though you cannot promise that God will bring the kitten back, you can say to your son,
“Your sadness reveals to me how much you cared for this kitten and wanted to provide for and protect it. You are an honorable boy.”
Older Boy:
As your son realizes he lacks the money for tuition for college, you can let him know that you are praying that God gives him the wisdom to know how to solve his need to provide for his education. Express this respectfully. Do not convey that he needs God because he is incapable of making ends meet.
See the big picture. Many years down the road this instinct in your son to provide and protect will kick in toward you, especially if you become a widow. During those years, your son will detect when others are trying to take advantage of your age. This ability and desire in your son works to your long-term advantage. Nurse it and praise it. Say, “I really respect your desire to protect me.”
In earlier centuries women honored the protective and provisional nature of their men. As women in the open range, their survival directly depended on the courage of their men to protect and provide. Women valued this strength and bravery. Today, men still attempt to express this same sentiment, but many women pounce on it as an attempt to keep women pregnant and barefoot. As a mother, do not succumb to that false idea about your boy. He isn’t thinking about suppressing women but about being respected as the protector and provider. Your son does not see himself as endowed with a divine right to lord over the family but as entrusted with the divine responsibility to protect the family. He feels called to serve and die as the Savior served and died, but in his younger years he wonders, Do I have what it takes? You can speak to that.