Respecting His Desire to Be Strong and to Lead and Make Decisions
When we talk about a boy’s desire related to authority, what do we mean? He desires to be strong and to lead and make decisions.
This can be a good thing or a bad thing.
There is a virtuous component. Deep in his soul he desires to be unbeatable, in command, and resolute. Understandably, he reacts to the charge that he is weak, timid, and indecisive. This strikes at the core of his manhood. Few things stress him out like this.
A man at any age will react strongly to anything that challenges his authority. Authority is a big deal to a boy even if he doesn’t know what the word means. Research reveals, “Girls begin to react more to relationship stresses and boys to challenges to their authority.”1
Preschool Boys
As early as preschool a boy seeks to show his strength, assert rank, command others, defend his territory and possessions, and warn of unpleasant consequences (i.e., threatens). In and of themselves these are not bad things to seek. Parents display such qualities. They assert rank over the kids, command children to do their chores, and warn of unpleasant consequences if they fail to obey.
Regrettably, there is a less-than-virtuous side to a boy’s authority. He can exercise authority immaturely toward a sibling or friend or try to flex his muscles against mom.
Anyone dealing with preschool boys and girls regularly recognizes the challenge boys bring to the preschool setting. Primarily, the boys cause the day care workers to pull out their hair. This is not to stereotype girls as “sugar and spice and everything nice” but to evaluate innate patterns between girls and boys.
A kindergarten teacher said,
One of the most common factors among “problem” boys is that they struggle academically. They often resort to bullying, sass, tantrums, power struggles, rebellion, and the like to compensate for this critical shortcoming in the classroom. Too often, we female teachers (and most of us are female at the primary grade levels) resort to loving techniques across the board (to boys and girls), and don’t even think about respectful techniques. I found that the boys would respond to the unconditional love I would show but never with as much success as the girls, and it was a tenuous, precarious balance in the relationship. When I read your books, it was like a light went on! I started playing to the strengths of the boys who were particular management problems, using them as examples, and validating them as leaders in certain areas whenever possible. (The girls don’t seem to care much about this, interestingly enough. They are content to know I think they did well.)
I love her comment about validating them as leaders. Some feel this validation inappropriately feeds the ego, but I contend that it calls out the honorable man in the boy.
What About His Authoritarianism?
Most everyone agrees that in the early years, boys evidence a greater aggressiveness than girls. A preschooler boy can appear twenty times more aggressive than a girl the same age. For example, a mother will overhear her son taking a stand against a playmate that sounds like the early stages of a gestapo officer:
“I can beat you up!”
“It’s my house, and I get to say what we’re going to do!”
“You’re not the boss of me!”
“This is mine. You can’t have it!”
“I am warning you. Do that again, and I’ll punch you!”
Within his tiny domain, he does not see himself as weak, without say, a mere follower, a pushover, or wishy-washy. He sees himself as right and with rights.
This kind of domineering frightens mom since she observes her daughter sweetly negotiating a conflict with her friend. “Why can’t he be like my daughter?” Though girls are lippy and sassy, they are less threatening physically. Few declare, “I can beat you up.”
In dealing with the overly aggressive boy, a mom must not disrespectfully repudiate or malign his inner sense of authority just because he immaturely applies it at this age. For a mother to deny and denounce this in her young bull is to wave a red flag in his face rather than herd him in the right direction.
In dealing with a boy’s authoritarianism, a mother must respectfully keep her husband engaged in the parenting process. Deborah Tannen, in her classic work Talking from 9 to 5, has addressed what she calls markers of authority. Men are “taller, more heftily built, with a lower-pitched, more sonorous voice.”2 These markers obviously contrast with women, who are shorter, slighter, with a high-pitched voice.
A son picks up on these markers of authority. He knows. Nature, not political correctness, dictates a boy’s belief about his mom and dad—generally speaking. Ask any mother of a teenage boy. This is not to foolishly proclaim that a mother or woman ought not to be respected. She must be. But neither must we unwisely default to the statement, “Women ought to be respected” as though that automatically equalizes the sexes on this matter and changes a teenage boy with hearing mere words. The point is simple: a woman has a greater challenge to appear authoritative, inside and outside the home. Because some women do not want this to be true—that they have less obvious markers of authority—does not make it untrue. It is what it is. That Deborah Tannen promotes the truth that women ought to be respected still differs from the reality of what she calls the markers of authority.
Our nature does not always submit to political correctness or to what people think ought to be. In the case of mom, she needs to be respected in spite of not having the markers of authority that her husband possesses. No one debates that idea. But dad still brings his markers of authority to the teen boy, and mom needs to enlist her husband to back her. Dad is a key factor to countering the authoritarianism in her teen boy and in supporting mom’s instruction by using the authority that his teen son recognizes. It is okay to tell dad that his markers of authority are needed. Honor him.
His Sensitivity
As he ages, he is hypersensitive to any one of the following messages:
“You have no power and credibility to influence others.”
“You are not strong but weak.”
“You lack a commanding manner.”
“You have no leadership ability.”
“You do not have any special knowledge.”
“You couldn’t make up your mind if your life depended on it.”
“You do not have any right to give directions and make decisions.”
“You have no say.”
A boy, generally speaking, takes these expressions as an affront to his manhood. These statements threaten him at his core and pain him like few things hurt him. He hears the message: “I find you inadequate and do not respect you.” He feels he must defend himself so he fights back. Though he inwardly doubts himself because of the degrading words, he must prove the person got it wrong. He moves into combat mode, unless mom beats him down so far he turns passive and soft.
A girl, generally speaking, hears these comments and eventually turns inward. She might say, “You don’t like me. You are rejecting me. You find me unacceptable. Why do you see me as so bad? What have I done so wrong that you would say these things to me?” She feels socially and emotionally disconnected by such statements. She fears where the relationship is headed. Will she be unloved and left alone?
Are there exceptions? Do some girls feel disrespected and fight back, and do some boys turn inward and feel unloved and all alone? Yes. Typically, though, a girl does not stiffen because she does not interpret others as challenging her womanhood but as rejecting her as a person. A boy, however, arches his back at challengers. For a guy, it is less about feeling rejected as a person and more about an attack on his manhood.
Strength and the Holy Word
Young men respond to the appeal to be strong and overcome evil, and mothers ought to use such language with their sons. The apostle of love said in 1 John 2:14, “I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.” Instead of saying, “Be nice, and don’t do bad things,” a mother can lift the language to the heights of John’s vocabulary. John uses Respect-Talk. Mom can energize and inspire her son when she shares with him,
“I see you as strong, not only physically but spiritually. I see you having the power to overcome the bad with your good. God’s truth is in you. The Lord be with you.”
Though every boy fails, the appeal to be strong calls out that desire God placed within him.
The Bible acknowledges male strength, and every mother needs to accentuate this dimension of her son’s personhood. First Corinthians 16:13 says, “Act like men, be strong.” This is a significant verse that underscores a male trademark. Suppose two hundred collegiate students, which consisted of one hundred nineteen-year-old women and one hundred nineteen-year-old men, were on a beach for a worship service. If a motorcycle gang of twenty men rode in to disrupt the service, the males would prove to be the perfect fighting specimens. Men are strong, and good men use that strength to protect women and children. Yes, several women may have their black belts and can join in the fray, but worldwide it goes down as I have described. Yet I know of one Bible scholar who wanted to change the translation of 1 Corinthians 16:13 from “act like men, be strong” to “act like people, be strong.” In his opinion, women had most of the virtues, and where men had virtues, women needed to be positioned as equal, even if it meant changing the Word of God.
First Kings 2:2 states, “Be strong, therefore, and show yourself a man.” The text does not say, “Be strong, therefore, and show yourself a person.” First Samuel 4:9 says, “Take courage and be men.” It does not read, “Take courage and be women.” This was universally recognized and urged whether one lived in Israel or Philistia.
Most powerfully, Proverbs 20:29 states, “The glory of young men is their strength.” God spotlights strength as a young man’s glory. Can this be said any other way to get our attention? We are talking about a boy’s glory when we are talking about his strength. Boys sense this about themselves. Yes, for some it moves into self-centeredness and the beating of the chest, just as a woman with beauty can turn vain. But on the whole, men use their strength to serve others, and we need to admire them for this and honor them.
Though we read of a wife’s and mother’s strength in Proverbs 31, this is not a reference to her glory. When comparing her strong arms to that of her teen son, there is no comparison.
Research confirms the uniqueness of male strength. For instance, in 2006 research done on hand grip strength found that 90 percent of women produced less force than 95 percent of men.3 The physiological differences are so drastic it blows the mind. The sample included highly trained female athletes compared to the men, and the strongest female athletes were scarcely above the median grip strength of men.
On a practical level, in a fire, when firefighters must lift and rescue a 280-pound person, few firefighting women can bring that individual to safety. This isn’t to put women down but to point out the obvious. Most women are smaller than men, so it takes a stronger man to carry a larger person out of harm’s way. Making this personal, when this guy saves your father from a fire, you won’t be complaining he is sexist when he said to the female firefighter, “You can’t save this guy. I can. I can carry him out over my shoulder. Besides, I know his daughter. She’s my friend. I care too much to let him die. I have to go.”
The wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon, said it: “The glory of young men is their strength” (Prov. 20:29). We must not disparage but honor this truth.
A mother said, “Just the other day Benji (age six) came to show me his biceps. Funny, none of the girls have ever shown me their biceps.” When a son does this, a mom need only say, “I respect you for being so strong.” That statement doesn’t feed his ego but answers his question at that moment: “Am I strong enough?”
A grandmother shared that she and her husband used Respect-Talk with wonderful results:
After viewing the Love and Respect video, we employed these principles [of respect] on our eight-year-old grandson when he came to visit us for a month last summer. We, and others, saw such changes in him. One thing he said that said it all was the following: “When I came here I wasn’t even as strong as my little brother but now look!” He then pulled up his sleeve to reveal his skinny little arm. Even though we could tell no difference, it was his belief in himself to accomplish, to be a worker man, a bull that showed. He was a new person.
The Bible on His Management: Leading and Deciding
Ecclesiastes tells us that “wisdom is better than strength” (9:16). Beyond his physical prowess, a boy has leadership and decision-making desires.
For some in this culture, any mention of headship and management meets with disparagement, but a wise mom knows we are talking about her flesh and blood. We are not sitting in a gender class at a secular university making this point among people obsessed with attacking “headship” as the male’s intention to exercise “divine” rights and dominate women. As she reads this book in the quietness of her home with her son doing his homework nearby, mom knows the spirit of her son. He doesn’t think about demanding rights but aspires to be an honorable man who acts responsibly. She detects that he feels this as his obligation and call. She knows that he is asking, “Do I have what it takes?” He is not asking, “What can I take?”
Each mother must decide what she believes. Does God call men to manage and chair the household in a way that He does not reveal to women? This does not mean women lack gifts of leadership and administration; God’s Word reveals that these gifts are given to various members of the body of Christ (Rom. 12:8; 1 Cor. 12:28). However, do Paul’s comments to Timothy capture what every man feels is his duty? We read in 1 Timothy 3:4–5, “He must be one who manages his own household well . . . (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?)” The same is said in 1 Timothy 3:12: deacons of the church “must be . . . good managers of their children and their own households.” From the pool of worthy men, elders and deacons are to be selected. A mom must resolve in her own mind, “Did God place this desire in men, for lack of a better way to express it, to be the head manager of the family unit?”
In the Western culture, boys struggle with how to give voice to their desire to lead and make decisions in the family. The pushback from goodwilled feminist voices silences these boys, who instinctively feel a responsibility to oversee their families with their male virtues and strengths. What these boys feel as honorable some castigate as unfair to women. Such chiding cuts him to the core of his being. As he gets older, he silently wonders, Why do they not recognize who I am? I feel like I should be the leader. Why do they make me feel like I am bad? I see myself responsible to provide, protect, and rescue, and maybe die. Men struggle with putting a voice and vocabulary to their desires. Most go quiet. Many have self-doubt. But mom’s Respect-Talk can motivate and mold him.
Apply G.U.I.D.E.S. to His Authority
Give: Can I give something to help him to be strong, to lead, and to make decisions?
Younger Boy:
Do not be afraid of giving him gifts that can serve as an opportunity to use Respect-Talk. For example, when buying him a light saber, see the advantage of that moment. Comment on Luke’s strength of character in Star Wars. Say,
“I really respect Luke’s decision to remain a man of honor and not go to the dark side. I present this light saber to you as a sign of your strength to defend the innocent against the dark side. Use this light saber to lead and make decisions that serve the universe.”
What a beautiful occasion to capitalize on his honorable imagination instead of flatly interjecting, “Don’t hit anybody!” Sadly, some moms miss the moment. She buys her son a light saber for Halloween and hopes her liberal friend does not verbally blast her for turning her son violent.
Older Boy:
Because he mentioned his desire to get stronger, buy him a twenty-five-pound dumbbell to keep in his bedroom. With repetition, a dumbbell will build up his muscles and strength. Help him with healthier eating. Squeeze his muscle and say, “I find it fascinating how God has made men to be strong. You are becoming a man of strength. I respect this about you.” But as much as possible, focus on the deeper character quality, not the outer appearance. Say things like,
“Son, I respect your commitment and discipline to become a man of strength. Women feel secure around a man strong enough to protect her. Though she does not care as much about his raw muscles, she respects his determination to be strong enough to guard her if needed.”
Understand: Do I understand his struggle with being strong, leading, and making decisions?
Younger Boy:
When he makes a bad decision, such as using the money he saved to buy a cheaper remote control helicopter that crashes and breaks the first day he flies it, tell him that you understand why he is angry and sad. Convey that you respect his desire to make good decisions when buying things he wants. Say,
“The cheaper helicopter was not your best decision; even so, I respect you because I know this lesson will cause you to become a better decision-maker.”
Older Boy:
After signing up for an advanced English class for summer school, he struggles with all that he must do for the course. How do you respond when he calls into question the wisdom of his decision to take the class when he could be hanging out with his friends? Say,
“I respect your willingness to get ahead academically, to take a hard class, and to worry about your grades as a sign of how conscientious you are. I believe you made an excellent decision, though the easier way out could have been to play video games with your buddies and shoot hoops.”
You and your son will have strong disagreements. For instance, he may disagree with curfew. Respectfully listening to his objections is a good thing. Acknowledging his right to have a different opinion is okay and respectful. You can empathize with him, saying, “I understand that you want to stay out later, that you’re having fun. If I were in your position, I’d feel the same way.” However, respectfully state the reasons you won’t change your mind.
“You need your rest, I do not need to stay up worrying, and nothing good happens after ten p.m. For now, the curfew stays the same time. Of course, if you want to fight me on this, I will gladly change it to nine p.m.”
Understanding does not mean acquiescing.
Though he’s imperfect, let him know that you value his desire to make good decisions. This is a moment to see his deeper spirit even when he has made a poor choice. Reassure him that your aim is not to be rude or condescending. Many conflicts evaporate when mom understands why her son reacts.
Instruct: Can I instruct him on how to be strong, to lead, or to make good decisions?
Younger Boy:
When he makes a decision about immediately spending the money he earned from doing chores to buy candy rather than saving some of it for a future purchase of a skateboard, share with him that you instruct him on decision-making because you respect him. Help him to recognize your instruction as an honorable desire to see him manage his money better so he can gain what he wants.
Older Boy:
Recognize his tendency to overeat, which is leading him to put on extra pounds. Say,
“A small reminder is in order. Part of being the man of honor means disciplining yourself by controlling the calories. If you are to be strong and fit, which I know you desire to be, you need to exercise harder and eat less sugar and carbs.”
When a boy leads poorly, a mother can appeal to her son’s sense of honor. She might instruct,
“Son, you are developing into a man of honor. Permit me to give you input on how to develop more quickly. In this conflict with your brother, I know you believe you are right about this issue, and much of what you said to him is true. But here’s the deal. How you said it came across as iron-fisted, as though everyone must stand at attention and salute you as the new dictator on the block. Let me share a couple of insights with you. One, ‘Wisdom carries its own weight.’ In other words, you don’t need a bossy delivery to get your point across. Instead, learn how to be wise in what you say and let the wisdom touch your brother’s heart. Two, ‘You can be right in what you say but wrong at the top of your voice.’ Loudness and screaming undermine your wisdom and being right. I believe God has instilled strength and leadership in you. I believe He has created authority in you. However, when you get really loud with people, they won’t hear what you are saying.”
When teaching him about his physical strength, you might say,
“I respect you for trying to get your younger brother to do what is right. However, God intends for you to use your power and strength to serve your brother, not threaten him. You don’t need to prove that you are big and in control by threatening. Use your strength to help, not hurt people. Might does not make right. When he doesn’t respond, come to me. I will help. That’s partly why God gave you a mother.”
When instructing him concerning leadership, you could remark,
“I appreciate your desire to be a good leader, but barking commands at others doesn’t mean you are a good leader. There is a difference between leading and lording. Think about it. What do you feel when they boss you around, especially when you don’t want to do what they want?”
As you impart wisdom to him on decision-making, you could convey,
“Use your mental strength to come up with a solution that both of you like. We call it a win-win. It takes some thought, but you have the ability to figure this out. Make decisions democratically—not as a dictator.”
Talk to him about his future spiritual leadership and that his wife will long for it. Talk to your son about what it means to be a spiritual leader in the family and what that means to you as a woman. Talk to him about how a wife comes under the umbrella of a husband’s authority when she believes he genuinely has placed himself under the umbrella of Christ’s authority. Let him know how honorable he is before God when he leads as Christ leads. Talk to him about the power of inviting a wife to pray for a few minutes about the things burdening her heart.
Discipline: Should I discipline him when he is too unruly or bossy?
Younger Boy:
“I respect the man in you. I respect the desire God planted in you to be strong and to lead and to make decisions. However, an eleven-year-old boy should not boss his nine-year-old sister. That’s being a dictator. When you ask her to do something, ask her kindly as a gentleman of honor would ask. If she says no, stay cool and drop the matter. You will need to do it yourself, or ask me to help negotiate. If you insist on being in charge, I will put you in charge of cleaning out the garage. When I discipline you, I do not want you to feel bad or embarrassed. I want to help you become the strong and brave man who knows how to deal with people like your sister.”
Older Boy:
“Look, you are becoming a man’s man, so much so that soon you could join the Marines and fight for your country. However, as a man of honor, you also know that you live under this roof with curfew rules. One reason for curfew is that I cannot stand worrying about you when you are not home when you agreed to be home. Do you intend to dishonor me by violating the family rule on curfew? I don’t believe that’s your intent, but that’s the second time you’ve violated the rule. So give me the car keys. I am driving you to school this week and bringing you home Monday through Thursday. If you abide by this discipline respectfully, you get the keys back for the weekend.”
One mother wrote, unsure about her authority:
I wonder how to balance the authority I need to have as a homeschool mom and the need he has for respect from me. I see that my older son (now twelve) reacts poorly when he is undermined by some comments I make in frustration. I feel as if God is showing me this now so I can raise my son in a loving, respectful environment. . . . It seems as though it is more complicated for mothers raising sons because, eventually, a son will be the head of his own household and will have godly headship over a woman. At this age my son still needs authority, and he clearly needs correction, which creates a small stumbling block for me on occasion, as there is a fine line between authority, correction, and speaking to him respectfully.
This mother must never compromise her authority by coming under his authoritative manner. She is the parent. She must not let her strong-willed boy continually rebel, move from leading into lording, or make self-serving decisions.
Some believe disrespect must accompany discipline, and that’s a huge mistake. A mom wrote:
We had four daughters, but a friend, a single mom, has four teenage sons. I see her trying to love, guide, and nurture them, but they are pulling away. I think she is too controlling and not willing to give them the respect they are beginning to crave. When I opened this topic with my friend, she didn’t see how she could show respect and maintain discipline as a single mom.
The answer is: she must. Disrespect is not the key to motivating a son to obey. Strong-willed boys will buck a mother when she disciplines them out of contempt for who they are. Males do not submit to disrespectful treatment. This explains why they pull away.
A mom should not be afraid of telling her son that she wishes to speak respectfully when disciplining him.
“Son, I want to say this respectfully to you, and please stop me if I appear disrespectful. But we have rules in this home, such as putting your dirty clothes in the clothes basket, making your bed, cleaning the bathroom sink, brushing your teeth before bed, and getting up for school when your alarm clock goes off. As you become a man of honor, I need you to obey these rules. Yes, I know you feel we created some unfair rules. But for now, you need to follow them. One day you will be out on your own, but to be a good leader, you need to first learn to be a good follower.”
Being stern is not disrespectful. It’s okay to use a tone of voice that lets your son know you’re not okay with his behavior. It isn’t okay to yell and scream to exercise final authority.
As a mother disciplines, she must not say, “I don’t respect you.” Instead say, “I don’t respect what you just did.” She needs to maintain respect toward the spirit of her son though she feels no respect for what he did. Remember, a major reason boys react is their perception that their person and authority are being belittled. The boys know they were disobedient, but they recoil at the way in which mom delivers her confrontation. A mother will be less effective when she flippantly degrades what God engendered in her boy. Condemn the behavior, not the boy. Disrespectful words attack his self-image. And never go over-the-top in some kind of tirade: “Women are better and smarter than men. Men only think about themselves. Men only want to get their own way and control others. Men want to treat women like doormats. Men are power hungry.” This creates havoc in a goodwilled boy’s mind.
I loved what a friend of mine, a professional consultant to teachers of preschool to second grade kids, tells teachers. “You cannot love a boy into changing his behavior, but you can respect him into it.” Obviously, that is too dogmatic, but the nugget of truth here is a ten-pound piece of gold.
Boys don’t like the phrase “be nice” when it sounds like they are being asked to act like girls. This won’t calm him. A mother and preschool director wrote:
We have four children, two boys and two girls. Our boys are in the middle and sixteen months apart. Our boys were arguing, bickering, and annoying each other on purpose around ages nine and ten. (Some might say it was developmental and part of growing up, but it was not consistent with our family’s biblical worldview: we are made in His image.) I would remind them to “be nice” or “show kindness,” and their actions would change for the moment, but it didn’t reach their hearts. As I applied the respect principle to them and said things such as “You aren’t showing your brother respect when you ______________.” Or “You show your friends respect, so you need to extend that same respect to your brother.” It was life-changing; it spoke to their hearts. Don’t get me wrong, they still have disagreements at thirteen and fourteen, but they are quick to resolve them, and they are best friends.
Don’t get discouraged; your strong-willed son has all the qualities of changing the world for good and God. Right now, you are in the process of molding him.
Encourage: Can I encourage him to keep on being strong, leading, and making good decisions?
Younger Boy:
At the fifth percentile in height, he appears so small that people think he is several years younger than he actually is. This discourages him. However, you can begin the message that encourages him to realize that strength is more than just physical size.
“Many great men have been small in stature but compensated by learning to make good decisions and to lead others. As hard as it was to accept what they could not change, they worked on what they could change: their strength of character, mind, and decision-making. The thing I respect about you is that you know this. As painful as this is, the gift that God has given to you is the opportunity to develop abilities that many of your friends will not think about for another twenty years. This sadness can fuel something great in you. Later in life people won’t follow someone seven feet tall who does not have leadership ability. People follow leaders, and you can be a leader.”
Older Boy:
After deciding to work at a Christian summer camp, he is losing confidence in the decision since he learned of a raise in his tuition for college. Worried about lacking the necessary funds, he has grown discouraged. Typically, a mom tries to soothe him to make him feel better by saying, “Oh, I feel so bad for you, but everything will work out. It always does.” I recommend she say,
“In a sense, I am excited for you. You committed to serving others not knowing of these unexpected expenses. This has put your back up against the wall. You did what was right and noble based on the information you had. My experience tells me that God honors a person who asks Him for wisdom on what to do in these circumstances. I am confident God will help you, but I am also confident in your ability to figure out what to do.”
With an older boy, mom must let him be independent as a sign of her respect for his maturity and manliness. This can be a precious episode that allows him to feel that you see him as a man. Letting him deal with this on his own does not make you a neglectful and uncaring mother. This frees him to overcome his discouragement with courage. It enables him to discover that he has the ability to overcome this setback.
When verbal encouragement is given, it comes best on the heels of his deflating and losing heart. But those are delicate situations. Before she speaks, she needs to ask herself, Is what I am about to say going to sound respectful or disrespectful? Is it going to sound to my son as though I am declaring him inadequate and disrespected as a human being, or will it sound honoring to him?
My friend who is a consultant to early childhood teachers advocates that “it is respectful to believe a boy can be better than he is. So if a boy is acting inappropriately, it is reasonable to say to him, ‘That behavior just isn’t the real you that is inside you; I expect better things from you’ (or words to that effect).”
Affirm his good leadership and decision-making as a way of shaping him. For example:
Toward a tween, say, “I respect your thought process and decision. I heard you say to your younger brother, ‘I know there are drugs and smoking and stuff like that, but I am not going to do that kind of stuff. It just leads to trouble.’ Wow! That shows your leadership and strength of character.”
Toward a teen, say, “I respect your ability to make good decisions when you drive and to resist when your friends tell you to ‘floor it.’ I want to thank you for being your own man. That is not easy when friends want you to prove yourself to be gutsy.”
Toward a young adult, express, “I respect your decision to go to the community college for two years and then transfer into that Christian liberal arts college. I loved your insight when you said, ‘The first two years of college consist of getting your general education classes out of the way, and I can do that for a fraction of the cost at a community college.’ ”
Supplicate: Do I pray about his being strong, leading, or making good decisions?
Younger Boy:
Praying with him, say,
“Lord, you know Bobby’s desire to be strong, physically, and to be a strong, positive influence on his friends. Lord, I respect this and know you will honor this desire in the years ahead.”
Older Boy:
Let him know you are praying about his decision as to which university he should attend. Ask him if there is anything he needs insight on or confirmation about, and would he like you to pray for these matters? You can humor him by saying, “Sometimes God answers my requests in the way I’ve prayed He would, and sometimes He doesn’t. But He knows best, and I certainly believe in your future.”
When in conflict with older boys, say the following:
“Look, things have heated up here. I am not trying to be disrespectful toward you, and I know you are not trying to be disrespectful toward me. So let’s take a five-minute time-out to calm down and pray about this situation, asking God for wisdom. I know He has given you discernment and the ability to figure out what is best. We don’t have to agree, but let’s discuss this respectfully. You need my respect, and I need your respect. Is that fair? Maybe the Lord will give us wisdom on how to proceed.”
Be in the Spirit of God. One mother wrote:
I have been focusing on a few of his strengths and trying not to get wrapped up in a negative cycle of thoughts and anger. He of course feels some comfort from this cycle even if it is negative. He tries to pull me back in with disrespect or disobedience. When I am in the Spirit of God, I can resist or turn away from the tug-of-war. I keep my voice calm and focus on the correction to guide him. There have even been times when the Spirit has prompted me to just give him a big hug. I have seen some major changes within our relationship. I am always thinking about my boys’ need for respect, value, and esteem.
Pray for yourself. Ask God to help you be a woman of dignity. Proverbs 31:25 states, “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future.” We read in 1 Timothy 3:11, “Women must likewise be dignified.”
To conclude this chapter, a mother’s experience is most fitting. She shared with me the dialogue she had with her seven-year-old son:
Mom: I respect you.
Son: (half of a charitable grin)
Mom: Do you know what that means?
Son: (quick side-to-side shake of head, meaning no)
Mom: Well, it means I’m proud of you, and I think you’re honorable, and I think you are a strong man.
Son: (sitting up straighter with a sheepish grin) Thanks, mom.
Mom: Which do you like to hear more? That I’m proud of you and think you are a strong man, or that I love you?
Son: Proud and strong.
This mother closed her letter by observing: “This teaching on mothers respecting their sons has been lost. I pray that as I begin to focus on it, my sons will be raised without any confusion regarding who they were designed to be.”