Respecting His Desire for a Shoulder-to-Shoulder Friendship
“Can We Please Stop Talking Now?”
Many mothers write me when their boys turn four. They share stories like the following and wonder what is happening to their precious baby:
After attending the conference and having a sitter come and stay with our two kids (a twelve-year-old girl and a four-year-old terrorist), I was asking Johnny what he did with the sitter. Did you play games? Yes, mom. What were they? Hiding games. What did you hide? Toys. What kind of toys? My toys. Did Sissy play too? Yes, mom. Did you find all of the toys? Yes, mom . . . can we please stop talking now?
More than a few mothers have heard from their sons, “Can we please stop talking now?” What gives with these boys? As males, boys talk less about the topics moms wish to discuss. Interestingly, because a mother needs to envision what happened, she needs information. To gain the particulars, she must ask questions. But replaying the events for her isn’t a felt need in the boy, only in her. He is ready to move on to the next activity. Why talk about the past?
Though some boys talk all the time, as with some husbands, the pattern from research on males in the family reveals a different tale. Most remain quieter when peppered with questions from moms. Whereas moms themselves readily engage such questions—appreciatively and energetically—they find themselves discombobulated in the face of their sons’ cantankerousness when feeling barraged by her questions.
When our son David was in the fifth grade, both Sarah and I struggled to understand his disinterest in talking to us and sharing his heart so we could give him all kinds of wonderful advice and wisdom. Sarah recalls picking him up from the first day of school and asking, “How was your day?”
“Good.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Anything exciting happen?”
“No.”
On the second day of school it was more of the same.
“David, how was your day?”
“Good.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Anything exciting happen?”
“Nah.”
Third day: “David, how was your day? Anything exciting?”
“No . . .”
On the fourth day David looked at his mother and said gently but firmly, “Mom, I am going to say something. It’s the same every day. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.” So she decided to cut down the twenty questions routine but would still try, from time to time, to draw out our son and get him to talk—to little avail.
She would say to me now and then, “I just don’t understand David. He won’t talk to me the way I want him to talk.” At that time we had not clearly zeroed in on how male and female children talk with parents. For example, females generally talk about their feelings more frequently than most males, including such topics as how they felt about their day. From my observations this behavior starts very young. Sons typically do not remember play-by-play conversations and experiences and therefore do not eagerly share them as often as daughters do. It was perfectly normal for Sarah to ask, “How was your day?” and it was perfectly normal for David not to want to talk about it. As Sarah often says, she wishes she had learned this in the fifth grade—David’s fifth grade, of course.
Later, as David reached his teens and we were teaching Love and Respect principles in marriage conferences, Sarah found that a key to bonding with your son is not to confront him with direct questions but just to be with him doing some activity he enjoys, shoulder-to-shoulder.
Just be with them . . . and talk less!
Shoulder-to-Shoulder, Without Talking
When mom aggressively pursues her son to talk about his feelings face-to-face, she is like the north end of a magnet moving toward the north end of her son’s magnet. Even though she is positive (+) and he is positive (+), she ends up repelling him. This is a law of interpersonal physics between mother and son. However, when she approaches him in a way that feels less than positive to her, she attracts him.
The answer is shoulder-to-shoulder time without talking. Of course, that comment mystifies some moms, leaving them staring at you, like deer in the headlights. She feels clueless and uncomfortable. Even when she applies shoulder-to-shoulder time without talking, it still feels counterintuitive and countercultural.
An essential belief in a woman is that heart-to-heart connection comes from talking about what happened during the week related to the relational stresses. The giving of the report creates rapport. The dictionary defines rapport as “a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.”1 This is what mothers wish to do with their sons. To mothers, not communicating prevents understanding and closeness. Mom feels distant and isolated from her son. The lack of connection distresses her. This is why she wants to say to her son, “We need to talk.” But she knows that is too direct, so she asks questions. Sarah refers to this as “mother’s twenty questions.” To mom’s credit, she sees her questions as sensitive. In her mind, she is not commanding him by saying, “Talk to me.”
Yet her questions too often meet with her son’s resistance to answer. This leaves her bewildered and powerless. A mother wrote, “My thirteen-year-old son, Anthony, tells me he feels like I am always interrogating him. Pray for me that I would respect him and not bug him so much. I am just trying to connect!” There it is. Mom wants to connect. She asks honest questions because she cares to know and cares to connect. But to some boys a mother’s questions can feel like she is calling him into question. It does not feel like honest inquiry but a form of interrogation.
“But Emerson, my daughter readily answers my questions.” Yes, because she’s female. A daughter does not interpret questions as calling her into question. She sees it as loving—not disrespectful. When mom asks questions, a daughter has a sixth sense as to why mom inquires. “Mom cares and knows I will feel better after talking.” For example, when stressed over her misgivings about being liked and accepted at school, which is a daily experience, a daughter instinctively knows that mom seeks to discover what she feels in order to alleviate her stress. Talking releases her pent-up anxieties, and she feels better afterward.
Boys develop rapport differently. Boys bond by doing an activity shoulder-to-shoulder, as part of a mission. For example, the best male friends were in combat together; they won a state basketball championship; they created the winning science project; they ranked third among cello quartets in New England; they served on the police force together as partners; they built houses together; they did surgery together as ER doctors; and the list goes on. Fathers and sons who are the closest do purposeful activities together. It can be hunting, working in the workshop on a lathe, or cheering for the Detroit Lions. The emotional connection comes from mutual activities, not the talking per se. The talking stems from the sense of connection, and that connection comes from the shoulder-to-shoulder activity.
Shoulder-to-Shoulder Leads to Talking
So do men never talk? As good friends who trust and respect each other, men talk, but they talk less and in ways women do not prefer.
In one study from linguist Deborah Tannen, a series of tests were run on males and females from four age groups, each pair of which were best of friends: second graders, sixth graders, tenth graders, and twentysomethings. The format was the same: each pair, alone, entered a room, and were told to sit down on two chairs, and wait there until they received further instructions. The researchers videotaped each pair in that room—unknown to the pair—to see what they’d do in that room. As the test proceeded, every pair of females, no matter what their ages, responded the same way. They turned toward each other so they could be face-to-face, leaned forward and talked. The males responded differently. They did not turn toward each other in any way, but sat side by side, shoulder-to-shoulder, looking straight ahead except for an occasional glance at each other. Because the females turned toward each other or literally turned their chairs to face one another for direct face-to-face contact, the researchers assumed they would have the most intimate conversations. Actually, the most open and transparent of all the pairs, male or female, were the tenth-grade boys.2
This did not surprise me. Men open up with a side-by-side friend.
When men sit shoulder-to-shoulder, they talk transparently. Men do not fear transparency; they fear shame, disapproval, or a lecture. They fear disrespect. When they withhold what they want to say, it is because they lack confidence in the listener.
How does this apply to mom? To get her son to talk, she must come at him sideways. A mom wrote:
I figured out why my son and I have difficulty communicating. He has often said to me that I just don’t get him and that we can’t communicate. So I began to sit on the couch next to him (shoulder-to-shoulder) to watch him play video games without my saying a word. (Yes, there are miracles!) He was so blessed. As I’ve made this major adjustment, it has changed our relationship. We went out to lunch the other day, and he couldn’t stop talking; whereas before, conversations would have been strained. Wow! What an improvement!
Did you catch her words? “He couldn’t stop talking.” Boys will open up, but only after they feel mom’s friendly shoulder-to-shoulder interest. And mom must accept the side-to-side interaction more than the face-to-face.
Here’s another mom’s discovery:
I quit trying to ask him questions on the drive home from school. I just greet him with a big smile and say, ‘I’m so happy to see you,’ then I leave it up to him whether we talk or not. Sometimes it’s a quiet ride; other times he chats the whole way home. I have also been trying to take time each day to stop what I am doing and look at him and really listen to him, giving him my undivided attention when he wants to tell me something, rather than multitasking so much.
A mom shared:
The most recent major event happening in my boy’s life is puberty. It has been one of my toughest things, emotionally, as a mom since I left him at his desk on his first day of first grade. There is a sense of loss along with this change of life in him. The lullabies stopped abruptly, the needing me to comfort him when he was hurt physically, and the sense of belonging to me has faded away. As I was pondering this over the last few months, I realized I needed to relate to him in a different way. I read once in a Dobson book that talking to boys while doing some task was more effective than talking like girls do while sitting on the couch. Tackling this was harder than I expected—as the things I am interested in are so opposite from my son. I decided to bake cookies. Of course, boys love to eat them, but it’s a different story when you are actually mixing flour, sugar, and all the other ingredients. So instead of inviting him to bake, I just started by myself. He noticed, watched, and eventually joined in. We talked about our family, what my mother did when I was growing up, school, dreams, and so many other subjects. As my son rolled each ball of cookie dough into the cinnamon sugar, I learned more about what was on his mind. After putting ten dozen cookies in the oven and taking them out, we finally enjoyed some. It was a rewarding afternoon and a great time to reconnect. This was the same evening my soon-to-be twelve-year-old asked to be tucked in. He must have felt the same things I was feeling too. All because I took the time to slow down and let him just be.
Tucked in? Yes, side-by-side activities that a boy enjoys create fond feelings of affection. Boys want to connect.
Shoulder-to-Shoulder Motivates a Son to Respond to Mom
When mom commits to a shoulder-to-shoulder approach to her son, good things soon follow. What do I mean? Suppose a mom has two boys, a nine-year-old and an eleven-year-old. Both head to the backyard to play catch. I recommend that mom slip out there for fifteen minutes to watch them throw the baseball. Let her pull up a chair and sit silently. She must not read or do anything to distract her from watching. She is to focus solely on them. Then, after fifteen minutes, she can leave to fix dinner. Soon enough she will notice something. In calling the boys to come in for dinner and telling them to wash their hands and to hang up the towels, I predict the boys will immediately respond. There will be no lollygagging, and the towels will be hung up (sort of; I promise no miracles here). Why? Watching the boys without saying anything to them energized them and endeared mom to them. This softens their hearts and makes them more responsive to mom’s wishes. As she honors her boys, she reaps the Respect Effect. This discovery overwhelms many moms with unspeakable joy.
A mom told me:
My husband wrestles with our sons several evenings a week, and they worship the ground he walks on and always try to please him. Trying to emulate my husband’s example, when it is necessary to discuss my sons’ behavior, I find that the fewer words I use, the better. The more I talk, the less respected they feel. But they are generally more at peace and willing to obey after I do thumb wars with them, play video games with them, or sit next to them on the couch, shoulder-to-shoulder, without saying a single word. It’s been a fun challenge to learn to be nonverbal with my sons.
Hear a Boy’s Request for Shoulder-to-Shoulder Time
When mothers reflect, they can recall the invitation of the boy to come watch him. A mother wrote:
Another thing I’ve struggled with in relating to Josiah is what to do when he wants me to play with him. I tried zooming his matchbox cars around with him, driving his tractors through the dirt, and filling his dump truck up with gravel, but he kept saying, “No, mommy. Don’t do that.” I was left feeling really frustrated. I wanted to respond to his sweet “Come play with me, mommy,” but he clearly didn’t appreciate how I played. Again, it was my husband who explained another concept from your book. Boys like shoulder-to-shoulder time together. I was flabbergasted. You mean he just wants me to sit there beside him, not do anything, and he calls that “playing” with him? This concept truly blew my mind. . . . And yet that’s precisely what he wants! I know; I’ve tried it.
Another mom shared:
I found especially interesting the need that men have for a shoulder-to-shoulder relationship with their wives, and after reading about that, I saw it in one of my sons. He’s twelve years old and was heading outside to go to the swing set. My husband and I have observed that he’s getting too old for a swing set, but he goes out there when he seems to need time alone. One day my son and I were both headed out the back door at the same time, and he said to me, “I’m going to swing! Want to come?” I knew right away what he was really saying.
Shoulder-to-Shoulder Energizes a Boy
When Sarah began to consciously apply the shoulder-to-shoulder concept to our sons, they were older. Jonathan, for instance, was in his twenties and owned a truck. One summer we took a vacation, and Sarah and Jonathan drove together to our destination in his Toyota while the rest of us traveled in my car. Sarah decided not to talk unless Jonathan talked. He said nothing except should we turn here, should we get gas, and should we turn on the air conditioner? That’s it! But she believes that was the best family vacation we ever had. She set the tone by simply being with Jonathan shoulder-to-shoulder without talking. She energized Jonathan, and he conducted himself in more caring and loving ways.
Moms, as freakish as this sounds to you, envision your silence this way. The recipe for boys to converse and connect requires shoulder-to-shoulder marinating. The relationship needs to be soaked for a longer period of time, side by side, without talking. The good news is that mom’s quiet presence softens the son, and the process alters, enhances, and flavors the relationship more to her satisfaction.
Jonathan is now a clinical psychologist and works with me as my executive manager at Love and Respect Ministries. He clearly describes himself growing up as melancholy and introverted. So when Sarah, a farm girl from Indiana, helped Jonathan refurbish his starter home, she once again applied the silent approach. An electrician who attended our church said, “Jonathan, you have your mom here. How much does she cost?” Jonathan shot back, “She’s priceless.” Those words still ring in Sarah’s ears. As a mother those words proved to be priceless for her.
Shoulder-to-Shoulder Feels Friendly to Sons
Within the nature of every woman is a nurturing capacity that ensures the world is a better place. When lost in an amusement park, children are told to look for a mommy with three children hanging on her and go tell her that they’ve lost their mommy and daddy. This mother is the only island of virtue, the only safe haven that remains in our secular culture. The world would be a horrible place if we did not have mother-love. But to a mother, a relationship is all about agape, or unconditional, godly love. She feels this kind of love, dreams of this love, responds to needs with this love, thinks of ways to express this love, sees such love, speaks this love, demands of her children to show this type of love, wants this love from her husband, and gives this love daily.
However, in Titus, Paul urged older women to “encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children” (2:4). Knowing these women live, breathe, dream, and feel agape 24/7 already, why would these younger mothers need encouragement from older women to love their kids? Don’t they clearly do so already? The difference is that when Paul spoke of love in this passage, he did not use the Greek word agape. Instead he used phileo, which refers to a human, brotherly kind of love. I do not believe that this was just a slip of Paul’s Greek pen but that he had a very specific message to send to the women under Titus’s ministry and all Christian women from that day forward. I believe Paul understood that Christian mothers do not need reminders to agape their families because it’s their nature to love husband and children unconditionally no matter what. But moms do need reminders to be a little friendlier toward their sons, especially when someone is severely testing her patience, which most often is her boy.
Ask a son, “Does your mommy love you?” He’ll say, “Yes.” Then ask, “Does your mommy like you?” He might say, “No, not today. I’ve been bad.” Countless mothers testify, “There are days when I love my son but, frankly, do not like him.”
However, when she is habitually unfriendly, mom needs to ask if she is motivating her son to act as she hopes.
One mother wrote:
Our son (age seven) is very different from me, and I have tremendous difficulty understanding him. . . . I read myself in the pages of your book when I read about mothers unconditionally loving their children but being impatient and unfriendly and sighing way too much. This is far too true of me. . . . While I love him dearly and know that he has a bright future ahead of him, I stay in some degree of frustration nearly all the time. . . . (Why does the answer to a yes or no question always begin without that simple yes or no?!)
Another mother wrote:
I want to like my kids (of course I LOVE them more than anything), and I want to love being with them. I feel so bad that I just don’t. But I don’t know how to change the situation. . . . Now I’m crying, and I guess I’m feeling sorry for everything. I just want to like family time. I just don’t most of the time. It’s just too stressful. And I feel outrageously guilty for thinking that, much less saying it. . . . I just don’t know what to do.
Is your goodwilled son pulling away because he sees you as unfriendly? You can correct his image of you. You need not seek popularity but do shoulder-to-shoulder activities. When he invites you to come watch him, do not reply, “I don’t have time, sorry.” Instead, esteem his desire for a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. Respond to his invitation and watch his fond feelings of love and affection for you grow before your eyes. Be friendly. It works.
When He Opens Up, Maintain Confidentiality
Do you share private and sensitive information about your son with other family members? Does this shame him? If those with whom you share have no right or responsibility to help solve the matter, then what business do they have in knowing? Does your need for catharsis justify exposing others to information about your son that is personal to him and would cause him to feel disrespected? Before you share, do you ask his permission?
Women talk about problems in relationships. Mothers talk about their sons. Mothers seek emotional support. However, a boy is not a robot without feelings and fears. Exposing him can humiliate him. He can feel deeply disrespected. He does not discern mom’s need to get insight into how to deal with his situation. Instead, he feels ashamed and undefended. If he overhears such conversations, he thinks you have gone behind his back. And that from his own mom!
Just because a mom feels love for her son and seeks input from others does not stop a boy from feeling mortified. Her love does not justify such sharing with other women. This can undermine the trust between mother and son. Some moms wonder why their boys pull away from them. One reason could be that he overheard what she said about him to other women, and he made a decision to keep his inner thoughts to himself.
Boys lose vitality when moms bad-mouth them in front of others. A kindergarten teacher told me, “It always makes me wither inside when I praise one of these young men in front of their mothers, and the moms respond with something like, ‘What? You’re kidding! You can’t be talking about Marshall. He’s never that way at home.’ I can only imagine how it makes the boys feel.”
Saying, “I Am Sorry”
When one alpha male wolf passes through the territory of another alpha wolf, we observe something spellbinding. The traveling wolf cowers when meeting the alpha male of that terrain. He shows deference and homage by looking away and getting lower. Periodically, eye contact will be made but only for split seconds. The message is clear. “I am traveling through. I do not want to fight. I do not want to control you or take over this territory.”
If, though, the traveling wolf gazes into the eyes of the resident alpha wolf, he sends the message, “I am not deferential or respectful.” The expression “face-off” captures the meaning at this moment. The traveling wolf displays an attitude of confrontation, not conciliation. His facial and bodily posture provokes a fight, possibly to the death.
Imagine a six-year-old boy accidently knocking down a little girl. The adult says, “Tell her you’re sorry. Go to her. Look her in the face and ask her to forgive you. Look at her!” For a woman it is all about face-to-face, and to her, one should look into the other’s eyes when apologizing. However, let a little boy respond according to his male nature, and he’ll approach the vicinity of the little girl; but as he nears, he stops, looks down, and says softly, “I am sorry.”
He won’t make eye contact other than a quick glance. Why? He possesses alpha in him. Instinctively he wishes to avoid eye contact that might convey, “I am not deferential or respectful.” To decrease the odds of a fight, he intends to steer clear of provoking her, or feeling provoked, by making sure he does not stare her in the face. To avoid the risk of a flare-up face-to-face, he acts honorably. Unfortunately, many women label him unloving and find this behavior appalling. Typically, women are not physically aggressive during provocations, but men are. At a certain point, men stop talking and turn to force. To prevent that, men do what the traveling alpha wolf does. This behavior is wise, honorable, and loving.
My sister Ann wrote to me about her friend who teaches school. “Today Lauren said at school, on the playground, when she had to step in with boys who were fighting and had them to apologize, they kicked the dirt and kept their heads down but did say, ‘Sorry.’ She said if she had not watched your video, she probably would have said ‘Now look at each other and say sorry.’ She knows differently now.”
A mother begins to see the light: “My sister-in-law told her son to apologize to my son for something, and he dropped his eyes and ducked his head to apologize. You know what she said, of course—‘Ben, look him in the eyes when you apologize.’ I immediately told her about what you had shared . . . about eye contact being provocative for boys.”
At such moments it is less about the boy’s feeling provoked and more about feeling embarrassed. The boy looks down and away to avoid the feeling of self-consciousness and personal shame. They’re not trying to be unloving. When women look eye to eye, they don’t feel the same self-consciousness and sense of shame—generally speaking. Instinctively they know they are reconnecting.
A mother must weigh the seriousness of her son’s infraction. If he is responsible for being unloving and dishonorable, then he needs to look face-to-face and apologize. In really serious situations, looking face-to-face is honorable. However, most conflicts are of a smaller magnitude. It’s best to say, “You are a man of honor, so please apologize.” Let him then do it as he sees fit. Typically, he will glance at the person, look down, and say, “I’m sorry.”
Apply G.U.I.D.E.S. to His Relationship
Give: Can I give something to help him develop shoulder-to-shoulder friendships?
Younger Boy:
Let him know that you respect how he and his buddy play for long periods of time in building a fort, doing so shoulder-to-shoulder, as best of friends. Tell him that many men stand back-to-back against enemy attacks, and ask him if he knows what back-to-back means. Gift him with children’s binoculars so he and his friend can scout out the enemy from their fort.
Older Boy:
Respond to him making the high school football team as a freshman and as a lineman. Express in front of the family how much you respect him, not only for making the team but also for being such a great shoulder-to-shoulder player on the line defending the quarterback. Bring out a new set of football cleats, which he had hoped to buy one day, in appreciation for his hard work to make the team and be a team player. Honor him at dinner with the shoes.
Understand: Do I understand his struggle with developing friendships?
Younger Boy:
In recognizing that your son is shy as well as a boy who prefers shoulder-to-shoulder play, do you empathize with his tendency to be less social? Do you respect the way God formed him instead of shaming him for not talking? When you sense that he feels bad over his struggle to interact with others, do you reassure him that it is okay? Do you give him ideas on doing things for other people, such as acts of service instead of words of affirmation? This can be a great way to bless him with the idea that he is okay and that where he feels uncomfortable in one area, God provides other ways for him to deepen friendships. Some people use words to draw close to people, and others do acts of service.
Older Boy:
When rejected by the “in group” on the football team, do you tell him that you understand why he feels hurt and even anger? Do you disclose that you respect his recognition of people who influence and lead others and also respect that he is discovering what makes for true friendship? Do you tell him that this moment of rejection enables him to figure out the ingredients that make for a good friendship among men of honor? Let him know that we cannot be best of friends with everyone who is cool, but that does not mean friendships with others are less significant. In fact, let him know that not infrequently the “in group” guys end up working for the geeks ten years later.
Concerning your relationship with him, here are some approaches that create meaningful touch for him and can improve your friendship with him:
“Let me feel your muscles today.”
“Give me a bear hug!”
“Come here and let me see you not laugh when I tickle you.”
“Get on my back and let me carry you to bed.”
“Scoot over, and I will lie down next to you in bed.”
Instruct: Can I instruct him on how to learn to develop friendships?
Younger Boy:
When he pushes and hits, do you ask him,
“Did you know that honorable men only push and hit and fight to defend the weak? Honorable men do not hit and push to get their own way. If you have an ice cream cone that I want, I don’t hit you to get it. That’s selfish. But if daddy saw someone hitting you and taking your ice cream cone, daddy would use his strength to stop that person from hitting you.”
Older Boy:
Do you say to him, “I believe in you and your ability to win friends and influence people”? For instance, if he is a high school student struggling with relationships, offer to help him gain instruction on improving his friendships and influence. As an example, in the Dale Carnegie course there are principles, such as “Be a Leader—How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment.” I would purchase Carnegie’s book and find key sections that immediately apply to some of the interpersonal challenges your son encounters at school. When a boy has a felt need for information and mom supplies that content, it is the perfect fit, especially when the boy sees the solution as a significant remedy to the very problem he faces. I recall taking a course in college on interpersonal dynamics. That course changed the way I did relationships. I had no idea there was insight that guided me in practical ways. Your son may not know the science behind friendship, but once he learns this information, a whole new world opens up to him. It did for me.
Discipline: Should I discipline him when he is too unfriendly or isolated?
Younger Boy:
“A man of honor does not call his friend bad names. That’s wrong. It is not respectful when your friends do this toward you. The golden rule says treat others as you want them to treat you. You will call your friend and apologize.”
Older Boy:
“I respect your independence. Jesus said that a son shall leave his father and mother. God created you to be a respected man who lives on his own. You clearly have what it takes. However, you still live at home and we still have friends who visit us. That you ignored our dinner guests while we ate and just now exited our discussion in the living room without asking to be excused runs counter to the social skills I see in you. People enjoy you, especially when you take an interest in what they are doing and allow them to ask you questions about what you are doing. In a few moments I want you to return and engage our friends in conversation. Show them the respect you wish people to show to you.”
Encourage: Can I encourage him to keep on developing friendships?
Younger Boy:
Joey, his best friend in the neighborhood with whom he has played for three years, just moved away. The boy is feeling overwhelmed by melancholy feelings, so mom shares,
“This is what I really respect about you. You are a man of honor who really values his friends. This sadness is due to how good of friends you were. If you didn’t care, you’d not be unhappy right now. That doesn’t ease the pain, but I want you to know what a great example you are to me.”
Older Boy:
As a starting sophomore on the basketball team, he hung out with the seniors on the team. They took him under their wings and included him in their social activities. But as their graduation approaches, it hits him like a ton of bricks that they will be gone next year. What am I going to do? he wonders. As a mother you can say,
“This is a crossroad for you. As those seniors reached out to you and were friendly toward you, do you have what it takes to imitate them and reach out as a friend to those under you over the next two years? I know you can. As they were men of honor, they recognized you as a man of honor, and honorable men imitate honorable men.”
Supplicate: Do I pray about his developing friendships?
Younger Boy:
Offer to pray with him about having a friend. He may react, “God doesn’t hear my prayers.” You can honor him by saying,
“I believe in you, and I believe you know how to be a good friend. I know God knows this. So let’s see what happens. Praying can’t hurt, can it? Do you think we shouldn’t pray? Jesus prayed, the wisest man on the planet, as did Solomon and King David and as did Paul. We are in good company.”
Older Boy:
Let him know you are praying for his buddies and list all the things you give thanks to God for concerning his friends:
“You are loyal to each other. You have each other’s backs. You show up when the other is feeling kicked in the gut. You make each other laugh. You don’t tolerate bullies. You influence the younger guys on your football and basketball teams. And you are committed to being honorable men.”
He Does Relationships Differently
A mom told me:
I wish I’d known all this when my boys were young. I thought they were aliens! One thing in particular stood out to me. My older son, Robert, was telling me all about his friend at school. . . . He and Robert had several classes together, so they were fairly close. Being the typical female, I asked all the pertinent questions. What’s “Bruce’s” last name? I don’t know. Does he have any brothers or sisters? I don’t know. Where does he live? Mom, I don’t know, are you writing a book? Right then and there, I thought, here’s a kid that doesn’t even care enough to find out his friend’s last name! I thought there was something missing from him.
This mother sees her son as uncaring. But wait a second. Young boys engage each other differently. This doesn’t mean her son is uncaring. His not knowing information she deems important does not mean he has a loose screw in his brain. Boys differ from girls, but that does not mean the quality of the relationship is shallow.
As men get older, they can do similar things. A wife asks about her husband’s time with Harry. He replies that it was good. She asks, “What did you talk about?” He says, “Nothing.” What he means is, “Nothing important to you.” He talked about a technical issue at work, a concern about a political issue, the pastor’s concept of predestination and free will, and how to gut a deer and use the leather. Besides, telling his wife these things means repeating information he has already addressed. There is a fatigue factor with men in going over things again. They do not receive as much energy as do women from repeating the report.
As for the boy, he is building a friendship with his buddy that is meaningful to him as a boy, but it doesn’t revolve around his friend’s relationships at home. In due time that information will be learned but not right now.
But mothers struggle with the way their boys relate to people. A mom wrote:
My fourteen-year-old son called his friend Peter. They spoke for thirty seconds, just stating the facts. “Pick you up, two p.m. We’ll do this. Be ready.” Click. Women could never do that. I told my son this. He said, “What do you want me to say?” He pretended to call Peter back and say, “Oh, Peter . . . how are you doing? Would you like to go to the movies? Which movie would you like? How do you feel about that?” I was laughing very hard. However, there are times when men don’t know they are being very cold, and that sends the wrong message to the woman. . . . Men have a way of being short, to the point, just the facts, and then it becomes dry or cold . . . then moves into rude.
Yes, he needs to learn social graces. Mom is correct at one level. I preach the importance of interpersonal dynamics. However, in this instance, was mom expecting her boy to talk to his male friend in the way she converses with females? Was she assuming her son would talk to women the way he talked to his buddy? Though her son needs to apply what she says when talking on the phone to his aunt from New York, I can say to such a mom that men among men see verbal interaction as an exchange of information. Once the information is exchanged, they are good to go. Men see communication as functional, not always relational.
In this exchange between Peter and her son, neither boy was in the least bit bothered by the short, to-the-point interaction. Women, on the other hand, due to their nurturing nature, find themselves compelled to ask about how the other is doing and feeling. Because they want this for themselves, they assume boys should want this for themselves. Interestingly, I know of wives who, because they are running late to pick up a girlfriend for a retreat, have their husbands make a telephone call: “Please call her. I do not have time to talk.” At that moment the man’s approach is virtuous.
There is a saying: “To a hammer, everything is a nail.” A surgeon sees the problem solved surgically. A dietician sees the problem solved via diet. A mother sees her son’s problem solved by his becoming more like her. From her female view of life, a normal conversation on the phone with another human being does not last thirty seconds. But where in the Bible is this stated as a sin between two boys? Yes, rebuke him if he hangs up on his aunt, but leave him alone with his buddy. No doubt they’ll join the Marines and save each other’s lives but not talk much about it afterward—or the rest of their lives. Men are not wrong, just different.