Respecting His Desire for Sexual Understanding and “Knowing”
A boy is a sexual being who is naturally interested in sexual matters. God instilled in him a curiosity to understand the realm of sexuality and to eventually “know” his wife, as “Adam knew Eve his wife” (Gen. 4:1 KJV).
Thus, there is an appropriate desire to understand and know.
God Designed Sex
The appropriate sexual interest is rooted in God’s design of sex for marriage, in which there is pleasure and from which there is procreation.
For example, wonderfully, God commands your husband: “Let her breasts satisfy you at all times” (Prov. 5:19). Every wife is cognizant of the fact that her husband is visually oriented.
From eternity past, God, in His holiness and wisdom, created the blueprint. In Song of Solomon the king describes his attraction to the physical attributes of the woman he loves (7:1–9). There he expresses, “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle” (7:3). Before that he penned, “How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter! The curves of your hips are like jewels, the work of the hands of an artist” (7:1). He conveys with emotion, “How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms!” (7: 6). In response she declares, “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me” (7:10). Every wife longs for her husband to desire her—body, soul, and mind.
At our Love and Respect Marriage Conference, I describe the scene where a wife gets out of the shower while her husband brushes his teeth. He looks at her and quotes Proverbs 5:19: “Let her breasts satisfy you at all times.” As he stares, he announces that he is making that his life verse. In realizing how easy it was to memorize this verse, he informs her that he should start memorizing more of the Bible because that recall came so easy.
We see a different scene the next day in the bathroom when he steps out of the shower. As she looks at him stepping out, she says loudly, “Get back in the shower. You are getting water all over the floor. I can’t believe the mess you are making. Put a towel down on the floor before getting out. And put a towel around you. That’s sick!”
The crowd goes crazy with laughter. Everyone knows this male and female difference.
I am not saying women have no interest in a man’s body. Wives clearly enjoy the physical dimensions of their husbands. Nor am I saying that a man is only interested in a woman’s body. He loves her heart and mind apart from how she looks, and this is clearly observed among the aged couples, like the ninety-seven-year-old man who adores his ninety-four-year-old wife.
I am saying that men find themselves attracted to the female body more than women are lured by the male physique. This concerns both of them. Wives write to me about the ways their husbands look at other women. Men do not write to me about their wives staring at men lustfully. Both know he must guard his eyes when going to the public beach, and she expects him not to stare at women in bikinis.
Yes, the visual orientation of some females has grown over the decades in America, and this can be a problem for some women (Ezek. 23:14 –16). But most agree that a strolling male wearing a thong on a beach solicits a response in a wife that differs from her husband’s response to a coed strolling by in a skimpy bikini. It should go without saying, a husband never needs to sit his wife down and ask, “Now, when we go to the beach today, will the men in thongs entice you?” Truth is, when this mommy sees a guy walk by in a thong, she wants to throw up.
Inappropriate Sexual Interest
If there is a suitable side to a boy’s sexuality, there is an unbecoming side. The inappropriate sexual interest of the male, according to the Bible, can give way to lust (internally), fornication (premarital sex with another person), and adultery (a married man with another woman).
As for lust, Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Jesus not only teaches the reality of lust, which we all know exists; He stresses the visual orientation of the male. This is a man. This man “looks at a woman.” Jesus recognized the man’s leering look can lead to lust. What a male sees can affect him sexually.
Because God hardwired a boy to be visually oriented, God reveals in His Holy Word for men to guard their eyes. For example, Job said, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?” (Job 31:1). Proverbs 6:25 says in The Message paraphrase, “Don’t lustfully fantasize on her beauty, nor be taken in by her bedroom eyes.”
Fornication is premarital sex. Though it can include adultery, we hear Jesus saying, “out of the heart” come “adulteries, fornications” (Matt. 15:19, and similarly in Mark 7:21). Paul also separated fornication from adultery (1 Cor. 6:9). The writer of Hebrews stressed this distinction when he wrote, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Heb. 13:4). Two unmarried people who have sex do not honor marriage. In this “hookup” generation our sons will be faced with the pressure of premarital sex, despite the damage that research repeatedly reveals it brings.1
Adultery is when someone married has sex with someone other than his or her spouse. In 2 Samuel 11:2, we read about King David, who was married; but “from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful in appearance.” We know the story: He sees Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah, and her body ignites a chemical reaction. Lust. He does not know who the woman is at first. He has no romantic relationship with her. David yields to the lustful desire that he ignited within himself while gazing at her unclothed body and then calls for her and commits adultery with her. James 1:14 states, “Each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.”
A Mother’s Fears and Anger
Obviously, every godly mother fears that her son will give way to lust and sin sexually. The thought acutely discourages her.
For some mothers, their heavyheartedness drives them to do what they can to help their boy, which is why some moms turned first to this chapter. Worried, they want to know what to do now. I applaud these women.
Other mothers find this topic too daunting, and they prefer to believe their boys are different, and none of this lust stuff will be true of their sons. These mothers busy themselves with other matters and suppress this information. Out of sight, out of mind. They choose to see their precious boys as eunuchs in their thinking, believing they will have no sexual interests or intensity until the day they marry.
Still other mothers come uncorked with anger over this presentation. Author Juli Slattery wrote, “From the female perspective, male sexuality is often viewed as a sordid desire. It seems to represent the worst of masculinity—passion without love, drive without self-control, sensuality without sensitivity.”2
These mothers react viscerally. They feel all of this talk leads to the sanctioning of their lack of love, lack of self-control, and lack of sensitivity. In their opinion, it is an attempt to justify the sexual sin of men and boys.
What we are up against is the difficulty some moms have in believing that a boy would struggle as much as he does with his imagination in response to images of female body parts. Some moms argue that boys ought to stop being so aggressive in this area of looking at the female form. To these moms an interest in body parts borders on deviant. They cannot imagine how the female curve, an accidentally unbuttoned blouse, or short shorts can be sexually provocative.
Some women seek to be sexually attractive but not for sex. They have no intention of being sexy for the purpose of sexually arousing men. To them a lustful response is rooted in the man’s twisted mind. In the opinion of many gals, men are unhealthy for being aroused by women in this fashion. They believe boys, and men, are intentionally on the hunt to see what they want to see and are bringing all of this on themselves because they want to actively lust. These women believe boys are too animalistic and need to be like girls, who do not stare at boys for the purpose of undressing the boys with their eyes. They don’t understand dreaming about the male image but rather dreaming about the relationship and love.
What drives this perspective among some women? Fear and anger. For this reason, I want you to pause and commit this topic into God’s hands in prayer. At this moment, ask God to guide and guard your heart related to your fears and anger. This chapter is written to encourage you, not frighten or provoke you to anger. You need to think the thoughts of God on this subject of sex and the single boy. You need to be reminded that God designed sex. He works from the blueprint He designed from eternity past. Since you yearn for sexual purity in your boy, I recommend approaching this as a godly wise woman who is hearing things she does not want to hear but needs to hear as answers to her prayers to be the best mommy she can be for her boy. Her son has challenges that she does not have; therefore, her fear and anger won’t serve her boy.
The role of your husband in discussing this topic should be addressed. I recommend talking with your husband about the matter if he is receptive, and hopefully he is since he understands male sexuality. I would respectfully ask him to help you address these matters with your son or take the lead on this topic. The content of this chapter can serve him as he broaches the subject and gives guidance. If your husband refuses, you still can apply this chapter as you have with C.H.A.I.R.S. The same is true if you are a single parent, as was my mom for many years, as well as Sarah’s mother. Though you feel fearful and angry for any number of reasons, please set aside these emotions and confidently and matter-of-factly aid your son with these insights.
The Challenges Encountered by Your Boy
You need to understand three challenges before your boy that he did not ask for: One, the challenge of his nucleus accumbens. Two, the challenge of his temptations. And three, the challenge to trust and obey God.
1. He will be challenged by his nucleus accumbens.
From a brain structure perspective, the nucleus accumbens appears to be an area in the brain that activates in men an involuntary, biological response to the female image. Something happens in his brain in response to the female form. From what researchers seem to be finding, the nucleus accumbens triggers a response in the male to an attractive female. In the initial encounter, it is not her person that attracts him but how she appears to him. The man may not even know the female. Presumably, King David did not have a prior relationship with Bathsheba. He only saw her from a distance. That, though, was ample to activate his nucleus accumbens.
It begins with the eyes. This is why we read in Job, “Let God know my integrity. If . . . my heart followed my eyes. . . . If my heart has been enticed by a woman” (Job 31: 6 –7, 9). In other words, Job knew the heart connects with the eyes, meaning a man could look at a woman inappropriately, which entices him and then ignites lust. Solomon penned that it will not go well with young men who “follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes” (Eccl. 11:9). He does not urge following the eyes since the verse continues by showing the devastating consequences later in life for following the desires of the eyes. For young men, the challenge begins with the look, and habitual looking over the years leads to a sad end.
But hear this point: the first look is not lustful. This is paramount for a mother to apprehend. At the outset of observing the beautiful female form, there is an involuntary, biological response that causes a boy to be keenly aware of what he is seeing, to the extent that other things can go unnoticed. In the movie Catch Me If You Can, the lead character needed to get through an airport, knowing the police were searching for him. He surrounded himself with a half dozen beautiful stewardesses and walked through the terminal. The male cops never saw him as they eyed the passing females.
Seeing the female form can be likened to coming around a bend and seeing the snow-capped mountain in the distance—the blue, sparkling lake in the foreground, and the rolling green hills surrounding the lake, all of which appear in HD due to the brightness of the noonday sun. One gasps at the sudden and stunning beauty flooding one’s soul. We might say a man’s first sightings of the beautiful curves and movements of the female body touch off an awareness within him of her inviting presence. I tell women to watch the eyes of a dozen men in a room when a gorgeous woman enters the room unexpectedly. All will look at her. The nucleus accumbens is operating. A man might declare under his breath to a buddy, “She’s stunning . . . breathtaking.” Yet he doesn’t even know her.
The nucleus accumbens impacts females as well but not in the same way. For instance, when a woman sees a cute baby, she fixates on the baby and emotionally declares, “Oh, how precious.” However, a few minutes later she is not still howling, “How adorable!” given the child is wailing. So, too, men do not stay fixed on the beautiful image. After a while on the beach, he reads a book and doesn’t notice every female walking by. We must not conclude that guys are forever captivated by the female form, and that is all they think about. They have other things to do.
However, there is a line over which he has the ability to cross. Once aware, he might take a second look that lingers for ten seconds and then turns into a leer. At the point he ogles in a lecherous manner, he crosses the line. The old adage applies: you cannot prevent the bird from landing in your hair, but you can prevent the bird from nesting there. Sexual gazing is his choice. When he consciously and willfully undresses the female in his mind and envisions a sexual encounter with her, he has entered lust.
“But, Emerson, this is why women are better than men. Women find this disgusting, and you are disgusting for comparing the delight women have for babies with a male’s feeling about the female body.” I am simply stating what I understand goes on in the male and female nucleus accumbens. But let’s add, what about an unmarried woman who sees a cute baby and three minutes later, envies the mother, a happily married woman? What about the bitterness that comes over her because of her unmarried state and the ire she feels for the man who just broke off their relationship? What about her anger toward God, whom she claims is against her for not hearing her prayers to have a baby? The first look at the cute baby lights up her nucleus accumbens, but she chooses to take the next steps into the sins of envy, bitterness, and unfaithfulness. This is no small struggle among many women. Both men and women have their struggles concerning the nucleus accumbens.
Not all looking is lusting. We are only pointing out that all lusting commences with the looking or imagining. In most cases, the male cannot stop the first look or thought of an image, but he can stop the second, third, and fourth. He cannot stop the attraction any more than he can ignore the beauty of a sunset (or a woman can ignore a darling baby), but he can take steps to prevent arousal from the attraction to the female figure. The female image unquestionably affects the male imagination, but what the man does with the involuntary response is now under his control. He has power. He is not a hopeless, helpless victim.
The initial sighting of a beautiful woman sparks something in the brain that also affects the male’s physiology. Shaunti Feldhahn wrote in her book Through a Man’s Eyes about a three-year-old boy at a fabric store with his mother. As the mother studied various fabrics, she thought her son was reading the children’s book he brought along, but instead he was flipping through a book of sewing-patterns that showed women in underwear. He yelled across the store to his mother, “Mom! Every time I look at these girls my pee-pee stands up.”3
On the one hand, such an episode proves disconcerting. None of us wants a boy’s innocence robbed so early. On the other hand, this three-year-old had no idea about sex. The boy is not a pervert before he can tie his own shoes. What we see here is a boy’s transparency and ongoing innocence (he was not robbed of it) about an involuntary, biological response. As amazing as this is, he recognized something in his groin area being responsive. This was not lust per se but a biological reaction to the female body.
The good news is that an older boy is teachable and can learn about this section of the brain. When we notice his noticing, we can provide information at a level he understands. A cool, calm, and collected communication about this information helps him understand himself. He can learn that all men have this involuntary, biological response to the first look at the female form. He can be reassured that he is not alone in noticing and that God made him this way. God made him to enjoy the female image. He can also be coached to look elsewhere after the first look out of a desire to be honorable and to honor the woman.
Here is a good place to include dad as your ally. Let your husband pick up this topic and proceed along with you to serve your son. You will be light-years ahead. But be careful to not use this as an opportunity to drill your husband. If you interrogate him with, “This is disgusting. Is this how you feel? Are you undressing women in your mind?” you will shut down your ally. This is not the time or place to seek reassurance from your husband that all is okay between the two of you. If anything, you need to reassure your husband that you are for him and your son. God has given your husband to you to serve your boy. Assume the best. If your husband struggles here and there in his imagination, this can prove the very impetus for him to change course in order to be a godly example to your son. If you shame them both, you will accomplish nothing. Proverbs 12:4 says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.”
2. He will be challenged by temptations.
Should a visually oriented husband never, ever be tempted sexually outside of the marriage? That’s a trick question.
Temptation in and of itself is not sin. Jesus was tempted: “Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil” (Matt. 4:1). But he did not give in to the temptation. Being tempted differs from yielding to temptation. As with Jesus, your husband will be tempted, but that does not mean he has sinned. He sins when he gives in to the temptation.
Temptation arises in areas where each can be tempted. No human will be tempted to turn a stone into bread. In the wilderness Jesus was tempted this way because he could turn the stone into bread. As the Son of God, famished by fasting, he had the temptation because He had the capability. To the rest of us, we cannot turn stone into bread, so it will never be a temptation. By way of analogy, many women are not tempted by the bare body parts of a male. How easy then for a wife to tell her husband that he ought not to be tempted by the body parts of a female. Since she is not tempted, he ought not to be tempted. Since she is repulsed, he ought to be repulsed. But God designed the male nature to be attracted and aroused by a beautiful female body in a way that women are not designed. Male and female differ by God’s creation.
To the married, the Bible says “Stop depriving one another . . . so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:5). The temptation is not the problem. Yielding to the temptation due to no self-control is the problem. For this reason all of us must know what tempts us and what does not tempt us. On the one hand, because I do not play the piano, I will not be tempted to be jealous of someone who does. However, if someone conducts marriage seminars and ten thousand people attend his live conferences each week, I will be tempted to be jealous. Why? I conduct marriage seminars. Because women are not tempted with the male form in the way men are tempted with the female form, it is all too easy for women to contend that men ought not be tempted by bodily forms.
Even the porn industry knows boys differ from girls. Intuitively the pornographers know about C.H.A.I.R.S. As a mother, you may be naïve about the appeal of pornography to your boy, but the image of the seductive woman as she poses is communicating a message that screams loud and clear to your precious son:
C: Conquer me sexually!
H: Be over me sexually!
A: I want to submit to you sexually!
I: Solve my sexual need!
R: Let’s just be together for sex without talking!
S: Let me satisfy you sexually!
Though as a woman such statements disgust you, Satan uses the carnal female to send this message. And your son’s weak flesh responds to the nucleus accumbens lighting up. Every boy wants to feel like a man, and porn deceives him into thinking this is what it feels like to be a man. However, your Respect-Talk counters that false source of honor.
Always, and I mean always, remember that your son is not the enemy but the victim of the enemy. Satan tempts (1 Thess. 3:5). The carnal world tempts (1 John 2:16). And your son’s carnal, fallen nature tempts his inner man, who can get pulled into a world of lust. James 1:14 states, “Each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.”
Our hearts must go out to these boys. We must not be verbally blasting them as excuse-makers because of our own insecurities and resentments. The porn industry knows your boy’s vulnerability and takes great advantage of it. When they go after your boy with these images, he must fight against the temptation in a way that girls do not need to fight. Girls have other battles.
The world, the flesh, and the devil will tempt your son with the female image, and he must decide whether he will resist the temptation or let it flood his imagination and sexually arouse him.
If your son were perfect, he’d never yield to these struggles with temptation. But he will lose various battles in his mind. The key as a parent is to help him fight against a pattern of giving in to these temptations. The good news is that God intends to help him. The challenge he faces is a simple one: Do I want to trust God to help me and to obey His leading when He extends help?
3. He will be challenged by trusting and obeying God.
Temptation is not a good thing long-term. You can let him know that trying to stare down temptation is like staring down a hungry lion. The Lord knows Satan roams about like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. A boy must exit the presence of the lion. And God promises to aid us and provide a way of escape from temptation.
Every boy can be encouraged to anticipate and allow God’s promised help. However, a boy may not know the promises, so mom and dad need to share the following truths with their boy. He will have to decide to enter the spiritual journey to trust and obey them.
What a comfort to read 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”
What a joy to read Hebrews 2:18: “For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted.”
Why do we need aid when tempted? Each of us has weaknesses and vulnerabilities. We don’t want to be weak, but the fact remains: we are not strong enough to face down certain temptations. We need a way of escape. We need to flee the hungry lion.
Each boy must meet God halfway. He must flee by running through the escape hatch that God provides. The Bible says, “Now flee from youthful lusts” (2 Tim. 2:22).
It won’t always be easy. Joseph knew he had to flee Potiphar’s wife, who came after him sexually (Gen. 39:12); otherwise, the temptation would have led to sex outside of God’s boundaries. And by the way, Potiphar’s wife knew she had the power to seduce Joseph. Women do not need to rape men when they can lure men, a huge difference between male and female. Ezekiel 16:36 compares Jerusalem to a prostitute, saying: “You chased after lovers, then took off your clothes and had sex” (CEV). Men become aroused by a woman disrobing in a sexual manner. We can argue that it ought not to be this way, but it is. Every woman on her honeymoon night knows the seductive power God has given to her. But apart from these scriptures, a boy needs to be told that it can be tough if one decides to flee. Joseph knew the way of escape was to run out the front door, but it led to a prison door. A boy’s friends may entice him to do sexual things, and the Lord will whisper, “Say no and leave.” His friends may say, “You are no longer our friend.” There is a price to pay, but it is worth it. Ask Joseph.
How Can a Mom Respond to Her Son’s Sexuality?
One, she must sympathize, not shame. Two, be poised and not panicked. And, three, depend on God—do not doubt Him.
1. She must sympathize with her son’s challenges rather than shame him.
Giving a boy the benefit of the doubt is a good thing. Looking beyond his weak flesh to his willing spirit, as Jesus did with His disciples, is the best approach. Sympathizing with his willing spirit is the goal.
A mom can let her son know that she does not see him as the enemy, but as someone in a battle with periodic temptations in the world. The devil will try to entice his flesh. Sympathizing with his challenge can give him confidence in overcoming the temptation.
Does the call to sympathize sound like a call to endorse the male’s weakness and to grant him license to indulge since “boys will be boys”? To some, as we mentioned, this whole topic of a male’s struggle frightens some women and infuriates others. The frightened are afraid their son will give in to sexual temptations leading to who knows what. The infuriated are angry at the pass they believe men receive to be sexually tempted. They are enraged over what they feel is excuse-making. In learning of the book Every Man’s Battle, they interpret the whole sordid topic as a justification on the part of the man to indulge his lust. They think they are to go along with every man’s lust.
But these godly women also intend to be like Jesus, and we learn our Lord does not show cold indifference toward us for our weaknesses but sympathizes. We read in Hebrews 4:15: “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.” Because Jesus encountered temptations, He understands those of your son. Like Jesus, you can sympathize with your son’s temptations without sanctioning his yielding to those temptations. Jesus confronted lust, fornication, and adultery. Sexual sin is serious to our Lord. The answer is to show a spirit of sympathy while confronting and correcting a son who crosses the line.
Sympathizing entails letting a son know the temptation evidences his normal sexual desires that God designed to be in him for marriage. Reassuring him that these desires are of God and to be enjoyed in marriage with pleasure can lift a tremendous weight from his shoulders. A mother’s sympathy allows him to feel okay about his sexual desires while calling him to reject yielding to the temptations. The desires are not bad, but giving in to the temptation is the sin. At the same time, each mother must accept the reality that her son is not the Son of God. Her son, like her, is a sinner. As a fellow human being, she can sympathize with his fallen nature without ratifying the sin. A mother of ten shared with me, “After having ten kids, I can tell you this: they will sin.” She did not endorse the sin but empathized while confronting the wrongdoing.
Shaunti Feldhahn provided an illustration in her book Through a Man’s Eyes.4 She created an analogy that she summarized for me in an e-mail message:
How creepy and frustrating would it be for a girl if every guy who walked by was able to touch her face, neck, back, etc. and essentially stimulate her without her consent? Her physiology is designed to be stimulated by the touch, but she DOESN’T want to be stimulated by these strangers—and that is what it feels like for a guy when he walks around and sees this stuff that stimulates him visually—it is coming AT him.
Adding to this, I thought, What if every day at school or work a young man she liked and who liked her was permitted to come by every few minutes and gently, in humility and tenderness, touch her face, neck, shoulders, and arms? What eventually will happen to her? She will say to herself, “Here he comes. He cares. He wants me!” At some moment her mind and body will go nuts with sexual desire. Imagine, then, the girl at school who comes on to your son by dressing provocatively and flattering him.
What about the everyday images of girls all around him? Let me be clear that your boy doesn’t want to engage these images, and most often his eyes are focused elsewhere; but the mere images do affect him, and he must do battle with this in his mind when he sees something he should not see. He can win with support and affirmation of mom and dad, but not if he is told, “We do not respect you for this struggle. Stop it. Be like women.” To say he ought not feel this way is comparable to telling a girl, “We do not love you. Stop being affected by the caresses of that caring young man.”
Disapprove of the sinful behavior, but do not disapprove of him as a human being. When he feels you alone are the righteous one and he alone is the unrighteous one, you’ll lose his heart.
My wife, Sarah, put me onto a truth when she shared that because most women do not struggle with sexual temptation as do men, some women can feel they are better human beings. Over time these women commit the number-one sin that Jesus had to combat in others: a self-righteous, religious, angry judgment like that of the Pharisees. Jesus could not get through to them, though he tried. We read in Luke 18:9, “And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt.”
You must guard against shaming your son as a worse sinner than you. One way to do that is to remind yourself that the ground at the cross of Christ is flat. By that I mean you need what Jesus did on the cross every bit as much as your son. Inherently, you are not better than your boy; you just sin differently.
2. A mother must be poised and not panicked.
When mom enters hysteria over her son’s lustful actions, she stamps on the brain of her young boy the thought that sex and his attraction to it is a really, really bad thing. He won’t know the why behind her terror since he is clueless about the goodness of sex, so he receives the impression that sex is dirty. Instead of freaking out, she needs to be cool, calm, and collected as she addresses what happened. Yes, easier said than done.
Toward the three-year-old boy in the fabric store, a mother can say,
“Thank you for telling me that. I really respect how you tell me things. That is honorable. We can talk about all of this later. This book is to help mommies decide about fabric. I will put it back. I brought this book for you to read. In fact, what is Mr. Rabbit doing on this page?”
She must not panic.
As the boy nears puberty, mom will inadvertently catch her son looking at pictures on his iPad or will learn that his friend showed him such images on his iPhone. At that moment she must guard against screaming that which some mothers have been known to shout. “I can’t believe you’d look at that filth. This is sick. What kind of person are you?”
As threatened as mom feels at such a discovery, she must work on a dignified and poised response—the one her Lord gives to her on the heels of her confession of sin to Him.
The trouble for some mothers is that, in their mind, this sex sin of their son’s exceeds any sin she would ever commit. But is that the sin of the Pharisees? This is not to minimize your son’s sin but to make your own as serious. Sarah has said that she takes sin very seriously, wherever it is found, and that includes self-righteous, angry, judgmental mothers.
Staying cool is vital. He needs to hear in your voice and see in your demeanor that you believe sex is a good thing and that boys have pressures that many girls do not understand.
In a dignified manner she must say,
“God designed you to be interested in the female body. He made you to desire and enjoy sexual intimacy with your wife. On the one hand, you will notice the female form; but on the other hand, when you look at these beautiful figures, your looking can arouse in you desires that need to be contained and controlled. You are not a bad person for these desires. God created you to have these desires. But we need to come up with a solution. What plan of action do you think will serve you best? What do you recommend?”
As we have said elsewhere, give the boy a problem to solve. That honors him, creates ownership, and may be more conservative than your proposal. Here is where dad plays a huge role in coming up with that game plan. Honor him for teaming up with you on this.
3. Depend on God; do not doubt Him.
Along with you I wish we still lived in Paradise, before sin ever came into existence. If we lived in a perfect world, we would not have to deal with our children’s prurient curiosities. But we live in a fallen world and, therefore, must make ourselves available to Almighty God to guide our sons.
I am grateful that God understands all the emotions we feel about this topic. My heart aches along with yours as we face the reality of a boy’s nucleus accumbens, the carnal and demonic temptations that knock at his door, and the option for him to distrust and disobey God’s promises to escape these temptations. I, too, ache with you for having to sympathize, remain poised, and be dependent on God. For this reason, may I offer this prayer for you to pray?
Jesus, You prayed. You prayed because You knew of these realities facing those You loved. “I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one.” You even taught them to pray, “Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.” To You dependency on the Father in the face of a fallen world is a good thing. I will imitate You and pray the same way. For myself, I find comfort in Your invitation, ‘Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.” Lord, I am heavy-laden about my son’s sexuality, and I feel weary trying to figure out my role and words. I come to You this day for Your rest. Take my burden and grant to me a renewed strength. Help me obey Your Word that tells me, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear . . . and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” Mature me in love, dear Lord. In all of these things, I will trust You as I entrust my precious boy into Your hands. I will not doubt what You are doing, though I cannot see it. Now, enable me to act on the wisdom of what I have learned for the sake of my son and Your honor. In Jesus’ name, amen. (John 17:15; Matt. 6:13; Matt. 11:28 –30; 1 John 4:18)
Apply G.U.I.D.E.S. to His Sexuality
Let me turn a corner here. As we wrap up this chapter, let me assist you in talking to your son about his relationship with the opposite sex on a social level. Early on, most boys feel awkward about girls because they don’t have the same relational skills that girls have. A boy can feel out of his league and flounders. Let’s apply G.U.I.D.E.S to his understanding of women. Peter instructs husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way . . . since she is a woman” (1 Peter 3:7). Your son is a future husband who needs to understand women.
Give: Do I give something to help him know and relate to the opposite sex?
Younger Boy:
There is an ever-growing list of books that address sexual topics. Based on the age and stage of your son, I would purchase some books on this topic and say to him,
“As you become a man of honor, I want you to know God’s design of boys and girls. I know you have seen some differences between boys and girls, and I want you to better understand God’s purpose for this. For instance, God designed women with something very special. They care deeply about people. Many boys do as well, but I want you to recognize that one of the best ways to understand a girl is by understanding her concern about the people in her life.”
Older Boy:
This is a delicate issue to address, but if you have conveyed to your son that you believe in him and are committed to doing everything you can to help him become a man of honor, then let him know you will spare no expense in protecting him from being victimized by pornography. For this reason you will provide parental protection software that monitors and motivates a healthy view of women, and protects him from a distorted view. You can let him know that what is portrayed in these pictures does not represent what the vast majority of women feel. Women care about people and relationships. In fact, it has been said that men use love to get sex; whereas, women use sex to get love. Love motivates women, and sadly, they can be misled. Teach him never to say, “I love you” to a girl in a deeply romantic way until he is seriously prepared to marry her. A man of honor prizes the expression “I love you.” He never cheapens it for self-serving purposes. All of this underscores the why behind the protection software. The goal is to ensure a healthy view of women and sexuality. Those addicted to pornography end up with unhealthy ideas and practices.
Understand: Do I understand his struggle with knowing and relating to the opposite sex?
Younger Boy:
When he plays too rough with a little girl in his Sunday school class and causes her to cry, he may experience shame. Say to him,
“I respect that you are getting bigger and stronger, but now you must learn as a man of honor not to wrestle like this with girls. God made you to protect girls, not fight with girls. See yourself as the protector, and you won’t feel bad since you won’t cause her to cry.”
Older Boy:
When feeling awkward with and ignored by certain girls, do you tell him that you understand and respect why he is feeling embarrassed and humiliated? Do you divulge your respect for him and his desire to be a quality guy with great character that girls find attractive? Do you communicate that you respect that he is in a season to discern if these girls see character or just cuteness as the appeal?
Instruct: Can I instruct him on how to know and relate to the opposite sex?
Younger Boy:
“When you are at school and you say or do something that hurts the feelings of a girl, as a man of honor here is what I want you to do. Look her in the eyes and say respectfully, ‘I am sorry. Will you forgive me?’ Maybe she shouldn’t feel hurt and sad, but it is called ‘going the extra mile.’ Instead of telling her she ought not feel hurt, just apologize as a great warrior who says, ‘I am sorry’ when he knows that will make the other person’s heart happy.”
Older Boy:
When he reveals his difficulty in talking to girls, ask him,
“Can I honor you by inviting Kelly and Cheri for dinner to talk about the three things a girl wants a boy to know? These two college girls really like you, and they’d love to chat about this. You can get an insider’s view. The plan is to have a meal, and they will do the talking while you eat and listen. Then you can be dismissed with no questions asked. They are coming next Tuesday regardless, but if you put your foot down, we won’t have them bring up these three things, though it would be fun.”
God’s Word presents basic truths that a boy can understand. God calls the parent, not the kid down the street, to be the sex educator for your boy. God entrusts to you an understanding of His revelation to us about the foundational realities between men and women. Using a multitude of examples from Scripture, parents can have conversations like this with their children:
“In Genesis 1:24–27 we learn that God created them male and female. God made boys and girls differently, and that difference is for a wonderful purpose. What are some of the differences you see between boys and girls? Did you know God designed us differently to help each other? Each of us has a strength we bring to the other. What are some strengths a boy brings? What strengths do girls bring?
“God intends for a male and female to eventually marry. Though some do not marry, such as Jesus Himself, in Genesis 2:18–25 we learn that man and woman “shall become one flesh.” Do you have a general idea what this means? God designed a man and woman to become one flesh in marriage. We refer to this as sexual intercourse. There is more to the marriage than sex, but this is where sex is to be enjoyed.
“In Genesis 1:28–31 we read, ‘Be fruitful and multiply.’ This means that God intends for a mommy and daddy to have children. God designed marriage for two people to enjoy the pleasures of sex and from that union to have children, the way mommy and daddy had you, for which we are so very thankful.
“In Psalm 139:14 we learn that every human being is ‘wonderfully made.’ When a husband and wife have sexual intercourse, the man brings what we call sperm, and the woman brings the egg. When the sperm penetrates the egg, a life is conceived. Then, a baby grows in the womb, as you did in mine. Each child is wonderfully made. You are wonderfully made.
“We read elsewhere, in Exodus 20:14, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ Do you understand what that means? God intends for every husband and wife to stay together in their marriage. They are not to become one flesh with another person. Sexual intercourse is to remain the enjoyment between a husband and a wife, and neither is to have sexual intercourse with any other person. Because this is God’s command, adultery hurts the heart of God.
“There is something else we must learn. In 2 Samuel 13:12, a woman tells a man, ‘Do not violate me.’ We refer to this as rape. Rape is when a man forces a woman to have sexual intercourse against her will. This is a violent act, when a man harms a woman in order to satisfy his sexual desires. Such a man is not an honorable man and he does not honor a woman.
“In 1 Corinthians 6:19–20 we learn that ‘your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit . . . therefore glorify God in your body.’ To glorify God in your body, you value that God made you a male, that you prepare yourself to be one flesh with a woman, that you will have the joy and responsibility to multiply yourself by having children, and you will bring about a child who is wonderfully made. To glorify God in your body, you will avoid adultery, rape, and anything that hurts the heart of God.”
The Psalmist asks in 119:9, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word.” Let the Word of God guard and guide your boy. In fact, may I challenge you to memorize Psalm 119:9?
Discipline: Should I discipline him when he is too knowledgeable of or relates in an unhealthy way to the opposite sex?
Younger Boy:
“Even though you are six, you are becoming a man of honor. You need a reminder about young girls. There are guidelines, just as there are boundaries on a football field that you must not step over. For example, right now the Smiths are staying with us for several days, and their daughter, who is your age, was in the bathroom. You knowingly walked in on her. I had just looked at you and said, “Kathie is in the bathroom.” Walking in on her embarrassed her as it embarrasses you. God made us to enjoy our privacy. So let’s respect her privacy, okay? Thank you. But because you directly disregarded what I said, you need to go to your room for a timeout for ten minutes; then you need to come to me. I have a project for you to do.”
Older Boy:
“God designed you with deep interest in girls. That interest can be good and enjoyable. However, with the many temptations one click away on the internet and iPhone, we need to come up with a plan to protect your honor as a blossoming man of honor. Temptation is real. You are not the enemy, but you can be the victim of the enemy. Not everyone on the internet has your best interests at heart. So dad will be talking to you about some filters that he uses. He seeks to be a respected man and wants the same for you. And let me say, women really, really respect men who guard their eyes and hearts. It makes them feel safe, secure, and loved. You are giving women a great gift. I bring this up because we found inappropriate sites on the search history on your iPhone. For the next week you lose iPhone privileges, and dad will be setting up the appropriate monitors.”
Encourage: Can I encourage him to keep developing knowledge of and relating to the opposite sex?
Younger Boy:
Whenever a relative teases your ten-year-old by asking if he notices the girls at schools, your son gets really red in the face and turns shy. Later you can say to him,
“God designed you to notice girls as he designed girls to notice boys. I noticed your dad and your dad noticed me. You are not alone with your inner thoughts about girls. That is normal. Uncle Fred was teasing you because he knows you are noticing as he noticed girls when he was your age. You are okay.”
Keep the point short and sweet. This reassures him that he is okay and causes him to be more restful and confident.
Older Boy:
Though he was rejected by a girl and feeling as if no girl will ever be interested in him, honor him by saying that the character qualities he possesses will attract the right woman at the right time. Highlight the four or five characteristics in him that you know will attract a godly, wise woman to him. For example, Proverbs 19:22 states, “What is desirable in a man is his kindness.”
Supplicate: Do I pray about his knowing and relating to the opposite sex?
Younger Boy:
In private with him, after he shared his interest in a girl at school, pray in the dark as he is in bed,
“Lord, thank You that Brian shared about Michelle. I thank You that he sees such great qualities in her, like her kindness, honesty, and faith in You. Thank You that he observes these things. This is what honorable men do, and he is becoming that type of man.”
Note: do not use prayer to mother him or send him an instructional message. Think more about honoring him as he seeks to honor God.
Older Boy:
Share with him:
“I respect your desire to find the right woman. I continue to ask God to bring to you a godly, wise wife. I have always found comfort in what Jesus said about a husband and wife, ‘What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate’ [Matt. 19:6]. God fulfills a significant role in all of this. Though the Bible puts responsibility on the man to find a wife [Prov. 18:22], the Lord directs our steps. I am asking God to favor you. You will bring great happiness to the woman you marry. In fact, Deuteronomy 24:5 says, ‘When a man takes a new wife . . . he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken.’ I know you will be this kind of man.”
Ultimate Goal
The ultimate goal is to help your son understand Ephesians 5:33, where God commands a husband to love his wife and a wife to respect her husband. At Love and Respect Ministries, we seek to provide resources to enable this.
Here’s a positive approach a mother can use with a more mature teen boy to motivate him to watch a Love and Respect marriage conference DVD and learn about love and respect:
“At this conference, you will learn that God designed you as a man of honor to live by an honor code. I see this in you big-time. Because of this, God calls you to navigate relationships with women in honorable and loving ways. This conference will give you tools that work with the opposite sex, whether it is with me, a girlfriend, or future wife. I want you to watch because this will greatly encourage you even though some of this won’t apply until several years down the road. At the same time, some of this will apply at school on Monday. I know this is a sacrifice, but at the same time this is an investment in yourself. I believe in you and your future relationships.”
By the way, this will help with your relationship with him. A mom said,
Several months ago, our church held a Love and Respect Conference. I encouraged my sixteen-year-old to attend. He did and took notes in his book and everything. I felt it was important for him as a young man to get an early start on understanding how he should treat me, a girlfriend, a future wife. He complained somewhat that it was boring at times to him, though he often repeats your jokes; however, he now constantly reminds me of his need for me to speak differently to him in my approach with him, and he responds positively when I point out how something he does feels unloving to me. I find that I have become much more conscious of how I say things to him, and when I fall short, he doesn’t hesitate to point it out. He is much more sensitive to the way I interpret his lack of concern for something he does or does not do in regard to following rules as him not loving me enough to do the right things. Obviously, I know intellectually his love for me has nothing to do with his messing up, but it is how it makes me feel. He is much more understanding of that now, and I seem to frustrate him less.
In conclusion, few of us feel comfortable talking about sex. Who relishes the idea of informing a son about “knowing” a wife and understanding the sexual/romantic aspects of a relationship? Each of us, though, must remind ourselves that sex and romance in marriage are God’s ideas. We need not be ashamed of what the Lord calls good. Though others promote lust and degrade women, a mother can indirectly counter this by leading the conversation in the direction that God intends. The fact is, someone will inform your son about sex and women. He will learn something. Will it be good and godly? Unlikely. This is your privilege and responsibility. Do not leave this to the boy down the street.