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AN EMPATHETIC LOOK AT THE MOTHERLY OBJECTIONS TO RESPECTING A BOY

Does the idea of using Respect-Talk strike you as questionable if not objectionable?

From listening to women over the years, I have heard several concerns about respecting males, which spills over onto sons. I have composed these criticisms below and offered answers with the hope this will ease the unsettled feeling about something not being right. My hope is that after you consider my responses, you will have a new vigor to apply Respect-Talk to the spirit of your son.

Objection: “The Bible says love is the greatest. Love is all that matters. Love is enough for my boy. That’s how I feel.”

When the apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:13 that love is the greatest, he restricted the comparison to faith and hope. Of faith, hope, and love, love is the greatest. Paul did not have honor, respect, and glory in mind in this context. Why is this important to know? As God loves us throughout eternity, He glorifies us throughout eternity. As we love God throughout eternity, we reverence and glorify God forever. Therefore, we might say glory is respect on steroids.

How have some of us missed the importance of glory, honor, and reverence? When we have eyes for love, we will only see love in the Bible. When we do not have eyes for words such as honor, respect, and glory, we overlook these concepts. Admittedly, some have become more feminine in their outlook. Thus, one’s outlook might cause an overlook. But we must know “the whole will of God,” not just some of it (Acts 20:27 NIV). For example, theologians agree with the declaration of the Puritan catechism: man’s chief end is to glorify God (1 Cor. 10:31) and to enjoy Him forever (Ps. 73:25 –26). Yes, we are to love God and our neighbor as the first and second commandment, but we best love God by glorifying Him and enjoying Him forever. We best love a boy by respecting and enjoying him.

Objection: “My boy needs love. I will not neglect this need. I will not replace love with respect.”

Boys need love and lots of it. I am not proposing that a mother stop loving and only do this respect thing. Think of it this way. A boy needs love like he needs water to drink, and he needs respect like he needs food to eat. A boy needs both. When mom only offers her love, she does not meet all of her son’s needs. Water without food makes it impossible for one to survive. Love without respect makes it difficult for a boy to thrive. So I am not saying choose respect over love. For vital reasons, I am promoting the idea of increasing love by including respect, by adding Respect-Talk to mom’s vocabulary. He needs to feel her respectful attitude toward him as a human being created in the image of God, not just hear her expressions of “I love you” toward the one who will, in her mind, always be her “cute, little boy.”

Objection: “Because I love him, he should feel respected. Love and respect are synonymous!”

I beg to differ with mom on this point. Respect differs from love. We respect our bosses, but we do not feel love for our bosses. We feel love for our teen sons, but we do not always feel respect for them. Actually, a mom can feel disrespect for her son all the while feeling deep love for him. An older boy knows the difference. Ask this son, “Does your mom love you?” He will reply, “Yes.” Then ask, “Does your mom respect you?” He might answer, “No, not really. Not today.”

Some contend that if you love a person, you will show respect, and when you respect a person you will show love, and to that I agree, but the concepts still differ. Though the left and right shoes are extremely similar, they are not the same. At many levels love and respect are extremely similar but they are not the same.

Objection: “Because I care, I get disrespectful. My son won’t listen to me otherwise. My love is behind my disrespect.”

It is impossible to argue that a mother’s love can be behind her disrespectful treatment of her son.

First Corinthians 13:5 says that love “does not dishonor others” (NIV). It is a verse that is foundational to hear. Love does not show disrespect to another human being. It is not rude. It does not act unbecomingly. It is not ill-mannered. Such habitual disrespect is toxic, not healthy or loving.

That does not mean a mother agrees and approves of unacceptable and sinful behavior. It means that she confronts the unacceptable actions in a firm and truthful way but doing so under control and with respect toward the spirit of the other person—whether a son, husband, father, or male waiter.

Recently, as I exited a grocery store, a mother and grandmother entered the store with a boy around eight years old. As I glanced at them, suddenly they screamed and cursed at the boy in front of everybody. I looked at the boy to see what horrible thing he might be doing. He was ten feet away from them, on tiptoe, looking at the pastry section. He could smell the cakes and donuts. As I watched them all, I realized the adults found the boy disgusting in that moment. I am uncertain of what transpired earlier, before coming into the store, but what he did there for those five seconds paled in comparison to their verbal and emotional abuse. He responded by walking back to them. But I could tell he had shut down on them. His spirit did not connect with them. I am sure he closed off emotionally to protect himself from their verbal harpoons.

I have seen these scenes before in public, as have you. I am convinced that some of these women wish to appear to all that watch them as responsible, caring, and loving authority figures. They project that they are in charge and are mature adults. They view themselves as good parents, not like those permissive parents that let their kids run wild. I can almost hear their inner script: “Not mine! Not here!”

But their dishonor of this boy was unloving, not loving. All who gazed knew the truth. However, I wager that if we asked this mother and grandmother, “Would you say that you love this boy and are a loving mother and grandmother?” they’d say yes. No doubt, they could claim they are loving as evidenced by their discipline of the boy in the grocery store.

What about you? Do you give yourself a pass on your disrespect because you put this under the umbrella of your love for your boy? Do you confront him disrespectfully because you care?

What about your outbursts of anger? Galatians 5:20 states that “outbursts of anger” are sinful. Instead of referring to these outbursts as sin, should parents label them as loving rudeness? Would they maintain that their anger and disrespect are caused by the son who fails to be respectable?

I do not know of any goodwilled, tender mother who would argue against Galatians 5:20 to justify herself. Most mothers readily admit, “I went too far with my anger and disrespect.”

Why are these gals so humble? First Corinthians 13:5 rings true to them. Love “does not dishonor others” (NIV).

Objection: “He causes my disrespect. I would not be so disrespectful if he were more respectable.”

Sarah and I learned at a certain point that our sons did not cause our anger and disrespect. We now teach: “My response is my responsibility.” In other words, the boys revealed our decision to be bad-tempered and rude. My boys did not cause me to be the way I was but revealed the true me. My sinful reactions were not their fault, even though I rationalized ways to blame them. This does not mean I should be unaffected by their disobedience as though I were a robot. All of us will feel mad and sad. However, my conscience told me about a line I should not cross. Being mad is different from going mad. Being glum differs from calling my son dumb. Sternness need not turn into screaming. Righteous indignation need not cross the line into sinful anger (Eph. 4:26). I knew what Proverbs 29:11 states, “A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back.” My kids did not cause me to be a fool but revealed me to be the fool. Ouch! Yes, a son needs to be respectable, but that’s a separate issue from a mom’s choice to be disrespectful. A son may drive his mom to the edge with his disregard and disrespect, but going over the edge is her choice.

Objection: “Respect is not natural. It feels counterintuitive. I don’t even think about it. This is not who I am. My mother tongue is love, not respect.”

I agree that few mothers think about this respect stuff toward their boys, and fewer still find it natural. Love-Talk is the mother tongue of mothers. God made mothers to love. But suppose a son has a need for respect beyond mom’s love? A mom needs to ask herself, Is this about how I feel, or is this about my son’s need to feel respected for who he is as a human being created in the image of God? Sarah would say that many days she did not feel like fixing meals for the kids, but she did it because she knew they needed food. What she felt didn’t matter. Because mothers love naturally, I implore them to let that love oblige them to do what feels unnatural: meet their son’s need for respect. The Bible supports that position. Philippians 4:8 says, “Whatever is honorable . . . dwell on these things.” A mother should think about what is honorable to her boy. It is loving to think honorably.

Objection: “I don’t really mean the disrespect. I love him. But there come moments when I have just had it with his disobedience.”

A mother said,

I have to vent. I cannot hold it in. I would not be honest or healthy. If I sound disrespectful, I really don’t mean to. I feel better after the rant, and my son should know this. I just find his behavior is unacceptable and get carried away with some of my words.

Sarah and I empathize. However, at those moments, what does the boy feel? By way of analogy, can a dad say, “Look, when I am harsh and angry at my daughter, I really don’t mean it. She should know that I am just upset and not take it so personally”? When mothers hear a dad explain himself this way, they are up in arms. He makes his daughter’s need for love trivial and marginal. He excuses his loss of self-control. So, too, a mother must guard against trivializing and marginalizing her son’s need to feel respected. Yes, he hurts, frustrates, and angers her, but giving in to the disrespect only exacerbates the problems between mother and son. Mom may not mean much by her disrespect, but it can steamroll her son. Mom’s feelings take a backseat to what her son believes. “Well, Emerson, I have told my son that when I say disrespectful things, I don’t mean those words, not really. I am not sincere.” That’s good, but hear this scripture: “Love must be sincere” (Rom. 12:9 NIV). A loving mom must not keep telling her son that she is not sincere about her disrespectful comments. He could question the genuineness of her love.

Objection: “He should not personalize all of this as disrespectful. I am just trying to connect with him and will provoke him to get him to talk.”

When a mother wants to connect with her daughter, she will provoke her to get her to talk. The daughter may not like it, but she knows instinctively why mom goads her. Eventually, she opens up, and they talk about the stresses. Generally speaking, a daughter does not interpret the mother’s disrespect as an end in itself. The daughter sees the disrespect as a loving means to get her to talk so both of them can feel better. She knows they will have a heated flare-up, but soon enough they will be talking heart-to-heart about their feelings, and mom will apologize profusely for her negative reaction and ask her daughter to forgive her. The daughter will forgive her mother, plus apologize for her moodiness and unwillingness to talk earlier. They hug and go about their business, feeling as if a hundred-pound weight has been lifted from their shoulders.

But it is not like this with a son. Does he feel that mom despises him as a human being? Does he think that she finds him inattentive, insensitive, and inept and, therefore, in need of a rude rebuke? Having said this, he knows that mom cares, and he knows that her bark is worse than her bite. He knows that he often deserves her fury. He also knows he can block her out and not personalize her ranting and raving. As a male, he can capably compartmentalize her criticisms, letting them roll off his back. But a moment comes when he cannot block the hurt. Mom’s disrespectful words harpoon his heart, causing him to feel like he is dying. This can contribute to his finding ways of escape from her. He does not fear her physically; he fears her tongue. As she blurts out words of disdain that rock his world, he shuts himself down. He is light-years away from thinking she just wants to talk to make things better. No, he takes it as a personal attack on his character as a human being. He feels she intends to shame him for who he is.

I urge such a mother to realize that her son interprets the provocation as a challenge to his maleness and feels disrespected. He tends to interpret life through the respect lens. A boy personalizes conflict with mom to mean: “I am coming at you because I don’t respect you, and I am using this conflict as an opportunity to tell you that I find you unacceptable and inadequate.” This is why a mom needs to say to a boy, “I am not trying to be disrespectful. I just need to hear your thoughts on what is happening here that is dishonoring you.” Note: do not confuse thoughts with feelings here, or dishonoring with unloving. Use the correct words to speak to his heart.

Or she might say it this way:

“How do I approach you on a couple issues that I need to address without your thinking I don’t respect you as a young man? Help me speak the truth honorably to you without your getting angry and shutting down on me as though I only wish to dis you. Coach me. I want this to be a conversation among two people who have the other’s best interests in mind.”

Though a lengthy discussion may not ensue, the boy will relax more during the exchange since mom provides him information that enables him to rightly interpret her motive. She assures him that she is not using this dispute as an open window to poke her head out and yell, “I don’t respect you!”

Objection: “I do not feel much respect for my son. It would be hypocritical of me to show respect when I don’t feel it.”

Are you a hypocrite when your alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m. and you get up even though you do not feel like it? We are never hypocrites for doing the right thing though we do not feel like doing it. That’s called maturity.

Some moms think that if they do not feel any respect for their sons, then it would be wrong and dishonest to show respect. As long as they love and care, they think they should be able to honestly say, “I neither like you nor respect you.”

But typically such feelings overstate the case, making things worse. A mother wrote:

I am so ashamed of my son’s behavior and his inability to walk away from blatant sin. I tell him I will always love him no matter what he does, but how do I resolve my lack of respect for him and his behavior? . . . He said, “You act as though I’ve been unfaithful to you.” I told him I felt like the mother of Judas. So you see I have not handled this well.

Because of these feelings of disrespect, she overstated the case. Calling a boy Judas is comparable to a dad calling his daughter Jezebel. Maybe that’s how a mother and father feel, but such words do not bring repentance and healing. Her son won’t turn sweet on the heels of her sour description of him.

Add to the mix how God designed women to love and nurture. But when she feels distressed and unloved, disrespect oozes from her. This is why, in part, God commands wives to put on respect in Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:1–2. They naturally feel and display disrespect when stressed. God’s instruction protects wives from the tendency to act on feelings of disrespect. Of course, this is why a woman feels like a hypocrite when called to put on respect. She knows that she does not feel the respect in her heart. The problem is that she assigns the blame to her son’s misbehavior, not to her nature. In her carnal and impulsive nature, she defaults to disrespect quickly and intensely but holds her boy responsible for these feelings. She needs to guard against this.

Objection: “Respect allows disobedience. I will not respect bad behavior. Respect-Talk gives him license to do whatever he wants to do. Only permissive parents do that kind of thing.”

Unfortunately, as a society we think the showing of respect to undeserving people gives them license to do whatever they want. Some moms believe that the more respectful they are of their sons, the more lenient they must be toward their boys. To prevent indulging their sons via respectful treatment, these moms make a “logical” leap to, “I have to be disrespectful, or my son will disobey me. I must never let him think I respect his bad behavior.”

So does this mean I promote the idea that a mother must let her boy slug his sister as a sign of respecting him and his violence? That’s asinine. Putting on respect does not mean going along with whatever a son wickedly wishes to do. Respect entails boundaries. Mom must say no. Respectfulness demands truthfulness. What mom would say, “I respect my son so much I let him ride his Big Wheel on the highway since he begged me. I didn’t want to be disrespectful to my little boy”? Respect does not mean a mom acquiesces.

The approach is simple, though not easy to do. Mom must respectfully confront bad behavior and firmly maintain limits on her son’s selfish choices. This is about mom displaying a respectful demeanor as she respectfully confronts wrongdoing.

Who allows disobedience? A mother without a moral compass and strong backbone tolerates disobedience.

Objection: “Disrespect empowers me. I feel that if I am respectful, he will take advantage of me. If I am nice, he won’t be. My disrespect makes him toe the line.”

Respect is not about mom’s being compliant and nice. That’s not respect; that’s enabling. Respect-Talk is tough. As love speaks the truth, so respect speaks the truth. Respect-Talk does not lack discernment about confronting, correcting, and enacting consequences, which I address in Love & Respect in the Family. Respectfully confronting a boy is a deterrent to that boy’s taking advantage of mom. Long term, her respectful and truthful words empower her. On the other hand, a mom makes a mistake to think her disrespect makes her powerful. Some moms feel they must roll the eyes, sigh heavily, give a look of disgust, and say something like, “Cheating and lying are wrong. You are a deceptive and dishonest person. People can’t stand cheaters and liars. You repulse me. You are hopeless.” In talking this way, a mom can feel empowered by her words. But this is not power; this is cruelty. Though such disrespectful words have a great deal of truth in them about the consequences of cheating and lying, the hyperbole shames the boy. Assassinating his character won’t empower mom to prevent his misbehavior and inspire obedience. If anything, she inspires her son to be more cunning and underhanded to avoid her tongue-lashing.

Objection: “Disrespect motivates him. My disrespect causes him to be more loving and respectful. It is the only thing that really works with him.”

Disrespect does not motivate respect. Disrespect manipulates. Outward conformity is not inward receptivity. Contempt does not light a fire in a boy’s heart to humbly adhere to the rules. Yes, yelling at a boy to stop yelling does work but only externally and temporally. Mom’s disrespect does not elicit a boy’s interest in being teachable.

Unfortunately, we are up against mom’s experience, which tells her that disrespect works. This is why a mom chooses disrespect as her weapon of choice to motivate a son to do what she tells him to do. Sure enough, he obeys on the heels of her contemptuous rant.

For all that, mom’s disrespect is not the cause of the boy’s obedience. He obeys because he fears what comes next, after mom’s disrespect. He thinks she is about to enact severe consequences that will make his life miserable. Wishing to avoid her retribution, he picks up his clothes, brushes his teeth, picks up the towels, turns off his lights, and jumps into bed. She, of course, erroneously thinks her contempt is the wonder drug.

Hebrews 10:24 instructs us to “consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds.” I can say unequivocally, mom’s disrespect does not stimulate her son to love and good deeds—not long-term.

Mull over the approach of authority figures, such as police and judges. Contempt is not necessary, and it is even counterproductive when dealing with criminals. Wise authority figures treat even felons with basic respect. They do not show incivility, bad manners, and insolence toward the lawbreaker. That won’t reform him. I agree that respect doesn’t guarantee inner change, but rudeness never works. The best approach is a respectful manner with consequences that a boy feels. Mom needs to learn that her firm and respectful discipline spurs a boy to obey, if anything will. A demeanor of disgust and disdain does not deter disobedience, nor does it kindle within a boy a desire to lovingly respond to mom.

For self-reflection, do any of the following words describe a routine reaction to your son to get him to behave? Are you bad-mannered, impolite, discourteous, uncivil, offhanded, brash, short, offensive, insulting, derogatory, disparaging, abusive, tactless, undiplomatic, or uncomplimentary? Since most women recognize the pain of these concepts when a man applies them to her, a son feels the same agony. No one is motivated by these traits.

Objection: “Disrespect is his punishment. My disrespect makes him feel bad for what he has done, and he ought to feel bad. He needs to learn a lesson.”

A mom can convince herself that exhibiting disrespect punishes her boy. Yes, disrespect shames him, making him feel horrible over what he did wrong, but eventually he feels horrible about himself. He looks less at what he did and more at who he is. What human being both responds to habitual loathing and enjoys healthy self-esteem? Just because the spirit of a boy deflates on the heels of mom’s contempt does not mean the punishment fits the crime. That’s comparable to a dad’s punishing his daughter by withholding loving affection to teach her a lesson. Hostility and contempt make a child feel rotten, warping his self-image.

As a mother, meditate on what Peter said about Jesus in 1 Peter 2:23: “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate” (NIV). Though Jesus seems beyond our example, Peter said: “Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps” (2:21 NIV). The way of Christ for a mother does not include retaliation. Paying her son back in a tit-for-tat, vengeful way undermines a mother’s imitation of Christ. Fighting fire with fire so it stops spreading in a forest may work, but in the family it only inflames and incenses. In addition, such punishment is punitive and vindictive, and no boy will open his spirit to his mom. Yes, mom must discipline, but that means her correction has a positive, futuristic goal to help her son get back on track, not get back at her son for getting off track.

Objection: “I need to be respected. As a mother I deserve respect. I am the parent. This is about my boy respecting me, not vice versa.”

Yes, he ought to respect you. One of the Ten Commandments is to honor one’s mother. I wrote the book Love & Respect in the Family to explain ways of bringing that to pass. However, every human being needs respect, not just mothers. We are all created in the image of God. God calls all of us to show respect no matter what. Peter wrote, “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers” (1 Peter 2:17 NIV). Everyone means everyone. In chapter 2, I define respect as positive regard no matter what. This is unconditional respect. Unconditional respect means there is no condition, circumstance, or situation that can get mom to display disrespect and contempt toward the spirit of her son. She may not respect his behavior, but she can speak to him in a respectful manner about that which is not respectable. Unfortunately, once a mother believes respect must be earned, she gives in to the cultural opinion that if the other person does not deserve respect, then she does not have to show respect. That, combined with her belief that she deserves respect, leads to self-righteousness, anger, condescension, and judgment toward her son. These attitudes cause a boy to withdraw and close off. He won’t emotionally connect with Pharisee Mom. Nor will he have a fond desire to show respect. The very thing mom demands, she diminishes. The good news here is that mom can see this as a mutual thing. “Son, we both need respect, and there are times neither of us deserves respect, but as we have conflicts, let’s refrain from disrespectful attitudes and words toward each other. Deal?”

Objection: “My respect makes me subservient. Showing my son respect would be honoring him as the parent. I would be surrendering my authority to him. That’s a role reversal contrary to God’s design.”

When one human being shows respect to another, it does not catapult the recipient of the respect into an exalted and authoritative position. Mom’s respect toward her son does not make him superior and her subordinate. That’s important to realize; otherwise, a mother will subscribe to the false idea that her disrespect proves and ensures that she is in charge. Fact is, displaying disrespect toward a son causes him to look for ways not to follow her leadership, and look for ways to make plain his disrespect. Should a mom demand respect? Yes. But she does this by demonstrating respect. When she models respect she increases her moral authority to appeal to her son to be respectful.

A mother never loses her authority by speaking respectfully about the areas in which her son needs to submit to her parenting. Furthermore, her disciplinary actions, not her contemptuous speech, best motivate her son to obey.

Objection: “Girls need respect. Boys are not special. This is gender bias.”

Many of us are probably familiar with Aretha Franklin’s song “Respect,” but the truth is, Otis Redding wrote that song and released it in 1965, two years before Aretha adapted it to her female perspective of a confident feminist. Otis’s version is of a desperate husband pleading with his wife for respect. He will give her anything she wants and doesn’t care if she treats him wrong. Aretha changed it to “I ain’t gonna do you wrong.” Otis playfully said it is a song “that a girl took away from me.”¹

Yes, girls have a true need for respect, equal to that of boys, just as boys have a true need for love, equal to that of a girl’s need. There should be no debate about this. However, I distinguish true need from felt need. Felt need means the way in which each feels about a situation. As we have mentioned, girls do not interpret circumstances in the same way as do boys, and vice versa. For example, research highlights what stresses teen girls and boys. Girls are more anxious during relational conflict. Boys react to challenges to their authority, which they interpret as disrespectful. Both can experience the same situation but interpret that event differently. And, yes, boys truly need love, but they tend to be more assured emotionally that others love them, as compared to many girls who tend to ask, “Do you love me?” or “Will anyone ever love me?”

Are there exceptions? Of course. But focusing on exceptions detracts from the bigger picture. Though women need respect, they lean toward love.

Objection: “I refuse to manipulate my son. This respect stuff is scheming and devious. This is not some formula to apply to get him to jump through hoops.”

I agree fully. I preach all the time that this is not a formula. This is about meeting a son’s need to be treated respectfully even when he disobeys. We are addressing the meeting of a son’s need as an end in itself. By comparison, a dad is to love his daughter as an end in itself, not to get her to perform for his purposes.

The real test in determining your true motivations for respecting your son is this: Are you willing to treat your son with an attitude of respect during the times he refuses to be loving, respectful, and obedient in return? Those mothers who use Respect-Talk only to manipulate will quit applying it when they do not get the response they were hoping for.

Having said this, a dad’s love for his daughter motivates her to respond as long as she detects dad’s sincerity. So, too, mom’s respect for her son motivates him to respond given he detects mom’s sincerity.

Objection: “I will not feed male narcissism, dominance, and superiority. I believe that is the agenda here. A return to patriarchy.”

“This respect stuff sends the wrong message to my son that men dominate. This would weaken me. I will not mislead my son into thinking men have a right to dominate women.” But does a mother’s contempt prohibit her son from thinking he can exercise mastery over women? There is no evidence to support such a claim. And if she shows respect toward the spirit of her son and tells him she speaks to him this way since he is becoming an honorable man, does this language cause him to wickedly rule his future wife? Certainly no one would attempt connecting those dots.