May I invite you to do two things? One, seek forgiveness. Two, give forgiveness.
Seeking Forgiveness
Before I address the need to seek forgiveness, let me say that many of you may not need to seek forgiveness.
You speak and show respect toward your boy. You not only love him, but also you honor him. However, you gravitate in your mind toward your inadequacies and failings, not your successes. Frankly, you are too tough on yourself, which is a plight of motherhood for too many. They see their shortcomings and beat themselves up. They worry about the possible damage they bring to their kids because of these foibles.
Are you such a mother?
If I could sit with you, I’d affirm the countless things you have done well. Were we to chat for a couple of hours, afterward you’d walk away feeling good about your mothering. I hope you have not taken what I wrote in this book and thrashed yourself based on your belief you have performed miserably. I feel bad that in my attempt to present a more comprehensive approach to Respect-Talk, some moms will feel guilty because there is bound to be something that puts serious seeds of doubt in their hearts. They will pass judgment on themselves as horrible mothers due to a few frailties and flaws. You are not a failure in school if you get all As and a B on your report card. In fact, that makes you a wonderful student. In the same way, don’t be so judgmental toward yourself and your mothering. There is room for improvement in all of us.
Some of you mothers with older sons hate yourself when you did nothing wrong in the eyes of God toward your boy. You devoted yourself to your son as God intended, but your boy appears to have rejected your faith and values. Unfortunately, you concluded that you failed as a mother. Though you’re self-loathing, you did not fail. We live in a culture that effectively persuades many of our kids that following Jesus is antiquated. Society broadcasts that secular living is for the intelligent, and believing in the Bible is for utter fools. The worldly elite believe conservative Christians are to be looked down on as peculiar, bigoted, unthinking, and hypocritical. The persuasiveness of the secular culture against the Christian faith is much stronger than it was when your parents were raising you. For this reason, this is not about your failings as a mother but the successes of a secular culture in turning your boy against your faith and values.
We have good news! We are praying along with you that as you apply the respect message, you will honor his deepest longings and motivate him to trust and follow Christ. There is no guarantee that he will follow, but you are not to hate yourself while he questions or strays. You must trust that the respect message is part of the antidote to the worldly influences that confuse him. Eventually, he will evaluate who is really authentic. As a mother who genuinely loves and respects her boy, you will be in the number-one seat of influence. Don’t give up as though you have failed. You have not. Stay on message. And when you have fallen short, you can rebound by seeking your son’s forgiveness.
How Can I Know If I Wronged My Son?
To jar your memory, is there anything that you have done or said that disrespected his deepest desires related to C.H.A.I.R.S.?
C: Did I disrespect his desire to work and achieve?
H: Did I disrespect his desire to provide and protect?
A: Did I disrespect his desire to be strong and to lead and make decisions?
I: Did I disrespect his desire to analyze, solve, and counsel?
R: Did I disrespect his desire for a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship?
S: Did I disrespect his desire to understand and “know” the opposite sex?
If not, rejoice! You are doing well. Relax.
If, though, your conscience felt convicted, then by all means, keep reading.
The Ground Rule
Here’s the ground rule: seek your son’s forgiveness only when you know for a fact that you were disrespectful. Sometimes a mom takes responsibility for what her son did wrong due to his selfishness and open defiance. But mom was not disrespectful; he was. However, if you are guilty of being disrespectful, simply say, “I am sorry. Will you forgive me for being disrespectful?”
Just saying, “I’m sorry” reveals how a mother feels, but it is only half the equation. How does her son feel? She will not know how he feels until she asks the question, “Will you forgive me?” She needs to hear his answer.
When a mother seeks forgiveness for having been disrespectful, he recognizes her sincerity. Whereas, if she were to seek his forgiveness for being unloving, he might feel that’s a trick. Perhaps she is trying to get him to confess that he was unloving by confessing that she was unloving. Most boys see their mothers as very loving, but they do not always see them as respectful. That’s why when she seeks forgiveness for being disrespectful, it gets his attention. He feels honored. I am not inappropriately parsing words here. In a boy’s world there is a huge difference between the words love and respect. In most cases he is deeply moved in his heart and grants heartfelt forgiveness. Mom can experience a wonderful connection with him.
Seeking Forgiveness for Being the Offensive One
Some mothers resent the unloving and disrespectful reactions of their sons; but when studied more closely, the moms realize they inadvertently started the hurtful Family Crazy Cycle: without respect a boy reacts without love, and without love (and respect) a mother reacts without respect.
One major thing blinds mom. She does not see her contribution to her son’s defensive reaction, which she feels is offensive, as being disrespectful. She knows she is trying to do the loving thing. Thus, in her opinion, her son should not feel disrespected. But a mom may not see that when she speaks from love she can appear very disrespectful. When women feel hurt and want to resolve the relational tension, they do so because they care, but the way in which they proceed appears contemptuous to men. Her face turns sour. She sighs. She rolls the eyes. She puts her hand on her hip. She scolds with her finger. And her word choice of disrespect can cause the leader of a motorcycle gang to wince. So instead of taking up offense, a mother needs to see her part and recognize that often her son’s negative reaction is a defense against her derision. How sad that some mothers live for years resenting their sons’ offensive reactions when the boys were only defensively reacting.
I ask mothers, “Just before your son reacted in an unloving and disrespectful way to you, did you say or do something that felt disrespectful to him?” They often readily acknowledge, “Yes, but he should know I didn’t mean it. I was just so upset with him.” Again, do not justify this but clear the air with,
“I am sorry. Will you forgive me for being disrespectful? That was not my intent. My intent was to address what happened, not belittle you. I need to tone it down. I am trying to help you become the honorable man I believe you to be. When can we talk about the tension between us in a mutually respectful manner?”
Boys Respond
A mother told me:
When [my adult son] was young I did not treat him with respect. Needless to say, I also didn’t treat his father as I should have, either. When he began to go through some trials in his marriage he responded in ways that I did not approve of. I was very critical of him and did not respond to him in a respectful way. After reading your book I became convicted of my attitude toward him. I had learned the lesson regarding my husband but had not thought to apply it to my son. I wrote him a letter asking his forgiveness for treating him as I had, both as a young man and in the current situation. I am happy to say that he did forgive me and our relationship is better than it has been for many years.
Another mom wrote:
One day, I sat my seven-year-old down and said to him, “I’m sorry I haven’t treated you like the man you are. I’m sorry that I’ve treated you like a little kid when you’re not a little kid anymore.” His shoulders visibly relaxed, and he agreed with my assessment of how things had been. I began to relate to him in a way that meets his need to be honored and respected, and I toned way down on the barrage of hugs and kisses. He responded by becoming more confident in general, and he began to treat others with more respect, rather than behaving aggressively toward them.
What About God’s Forgiveness?
Should a mother seek God’s forgiveness for her disrespect toward her son? After all, boys make far more mistakes than mothers, right? Shouldn’t her boy be seeking her forgiveness and God’s?
True enough. This, though, is not about comparing the mother to the son but about addressing the mother’s relationship with Christ apart from her son. If she knows in her conscience that she crossed the line with her son, then she needs to also seek Christ’s forgiveness. She can quiet her heart and express, “Lord, I am sorry. Will You forgive me for my disrespectful attitude toward my boy?”
As we have learned throughout this book, a disrespectful attitude in a mother toward her son is as sinful as an unloving attitude in a father toward his daughter. God expects us to be loving but also honoring (Rom. 12:10; 1 Peter 2:17). Disrespectful and dishonoring reactions constitute sin.
Appropriating Christ’s Forgiveness
Okay, hold on to your sinking heart. I wish to make a very important point to every mother. Most women have a strong female trait: self-deprecation. Mothers blame themselves and move into personal shame on the heels of failing. For instance, if she feels no one is listening to her, maybe she explodes. She moves into attack mode and accuses everyone of failings, doing so with great disgust. A little while later she calms down, and regret floods her being. She may make the melancholy declaration, “I am a horrible mother.”
What do some mothers do then? Some halt all reading of this book. Some pitch it into the garbage can. Others put it on a shelf. They remove Respect-Talk from their minds. They cannot stand the self-judgment they bring to themselves. They blame the book and mentally drift away from the topic of respect by preoccupying themselves with other things: volunteering, working overtime, shopping, caring for a family member, returning to school, singing in the worship band, or whatever. They suppress this truth about respecting their sons because it creates such anxiety and self-loathing.
However, that is not the way forward. The way forward is by appropriating the forgiveness that Jesus Christ extends and allowing the situation with her boy to deepen her confidence in Christ’s positive view and love toward her.
Hear this story about a mother who recognized her faults but was able to forgive herself and turn around her relationship with her teenage son:
In the past I have made [my son] stand face-to-face with his older sister until he broke down and apologized, feeling like I finally broke him when he would cry or get furious. I wept at the conference at my huge mistakes and the wounds I have caused in my son. There has been a wedge between us, especially as he has gotten older (he’s thirteen now). I have been, in a sense, on the Crazy Cycle with him. I came home ready to redeem the precious time I still have with him and show him respect and do life shoulder-to-shoulder with him. The day after the conference, I had to drive three and a half hours to pick him up from his grandma’s. At the beginning of the conference, I was so excited and planned to spend the entire ride home telling him all that I had learned and how sorry I was for dishonoring him in so many ways. . . . He got in the car and announced he was going to sleep the whole way home . . . probably an attempt to protect himself from the fire hose of words I usually give him. So I said, “That sounds like a great plan. . . . I’m sure you are tired.” And then I was quiet. Oh it was hard! But I wasn’t sulky quiet. . . . I’ve done that before. I was just allowing him to BE. He lay there for a few minutes and then announced that he wasn’t tired after all. We listened to the radio and just drove along. I didn’t ask a single question the whole ride home! . . . Then he turned off the radio and told me stuff from like two years before, details and everything! We drove home this way, turning on the radio and just driving along and then him thinking of something and turning it off to tell me. When we walked in the house, he was skipping. And so was I. It really works! A few days later he was in the kitchen showing me his muscles . . . something he does on a regular basis . . . and I told him how truly amazing it was that I knew that he would die for me and would protect me if anyone tried to hurt me. He looked at me with such pride and love! . . . He was soaking up the respect! And I was getting love from my son! THANK YOU!
God’s Forgiveness Is Total
The mother needing God’s forgiveness is not an insignificant entity. Instead, she is an adopted child of God who needs to discover the extent to which Christ intends to help her as she responds to the light that he gives to her. She needs to welcome this light in humility and move forward with the confidence that Jesus Christ is going to honor her. Think of it this way: How can she expect her son to receive the light that she gives to him in order to enlighten, enable, and encourage him while she runs from the light of Christ in her own life?
She must trust what the apostle John penned in 1 John 1:7, “If we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light . . . the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.” He then said in 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Regardless of your past failures, as you confess these in the light, Jesus Christ is reliable and good. He will wipe clean any wrongs from your record. From an eternal and judicial vantage point, it is as though you have never sinned in the eyes of God. Hebrews 10:17 states, “AND THEIR SINS AND THEIR LAWLESS DEEDS I WILL REMEMBER NO MORE.” When you come confessing, “Lord, I have sinned again against You,” it is as though He answers, “Again? I don’t remember the last time.”
I do not intend to suggest that God ceases to be omniscient. He will always know all things. But just as the court declares absolution of all wrongdoing for someone, so does God. In the court no one concludes that all memory of the past transgressions will now be removed from everybody’s brain. People remember stuff. Instead, it means the court will not bring a penalty against the criminal. It will not be remembered legally, just as a wealthy aunt may not “remember” her niece by way of written documentation concerning an inheritance.
Of course, there are still earthly consequences. Imagine a bank robber who lost a leg during a car chase that resulted in a crash that killed three people. He must always suffer the loss of that leg and his remorse; but if the driver of the getaway car takes full responsibility for the incident, the robber will not incur a penalty for murder. In a greater way, our heavenly Judge absolves us from all wrongdoing in his record book. Yes, there may be earthly consequences but not eternal ones. Though it seems too good to be true, we are forgiven now and forevermore.
Accusations
Jesus never intends to shame you. Instead, He purposes for you to begin again. Proverbs 24:16 says, “A righteous man falls seven times, and rises again.” The Lord forgives and expects you to stand up with your head up. Your problem is not the view that Jesus Christ has of you. Your problem is your view of yourself and the lies of the diabolical one. You need to recognize that the accuser of the brethren is Satan, not Jesus (Rev. 12:10). As with Eve, Satan whispers, “Hath God said?” (Gen. 3:1 KJV). Appropriating Christ’s forgiveness by faith, while ignoring feelings of self-condemnation, is a tough row to hoe. Even so, you need to be able to say to the indictment of the devil, “Satan, I am far worse than you could declare but acquitted forever and ever by the blood of Christ.”
Many stumble right here. They find it difficult to forgive themselves because of what they’ve done. For this reason a mother must mentally discipline herself to focus on what Christ did for her. We read in Colossians 2:13–14, “You were once dead because of your failures and your uncircumcised corrupt nature. But God made you alive with Christ when he forgave all our failures. He did this by erasing the charges that were brought against us by the written laws God had established. He took the charges away by nailing them to the cross” (GW).
This is not about what we have done but what Christ has done. We read in 2 Corinthians 5:21, “He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” In other words, all of our badness in God’s eyes was put into Jesus, and all of Christ’s goodness was put into us in God’s eyes. We refer to this as the imputation of Christ’s righteousness to us. In the eyes of God, because of Christ’s suffering for our crimes, we can no longer be accused and condemned by anyone, including ourselves and the devil. Romans 8:1 declares, “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
To the person who argues, “Oh, I could never forgive myself,” I firmly object. If the Son of God intends to forgive you, who do you think you are not to forgive yourself? The Lord calls you to appropriate by faith, not by feelings, the forgiveness He has extended to you. He is God and you are not. He says He forgives all sin. Who are you to take issue with this? Do you have an element of carnal pride that works against accepting the fact that you are a sinner who needs forgiveness and who needs to forgive herself? Do you actually think you are good enough and powerful enough to pay for your own sins by refusing to accept Christ’s forgiveness and thereby forgive yourself?
Again, there are natural and logical consequences on earth to our bad behavior. If you throw a dish at your boy that hits him in the head and leaves a scar, the scar and the nightmarish memory remain. However, when we grasp what Christ did for us on the cross, we realize that our sinful act will not be held against us at the Judgment. This is why we talk so much about grace and mercy. Grace is receiving something we don’t deserve (the imputation of Christ’s righteousness). Mercy is not receiving what we do deserve (condemnation for our unrighteousness).
Giving Forgiveness
Could a mother resent her son for failing her expectations and/or God’s standards? Few mothers are filled with venom toward their boys, but let’s be honest: as a boy gets older, he can act immorally or illegally, which deeply offends his mother. One day she detects indignation within herself and struggles to forgive him. Perhaps, for example . . .
C: He did not work or achieve as he should have. He lied or stole.
H: He did not provide or protect as he should have. He was seriously negligent toward another.
A: He was not strong, did not lead, and did not make decisions as he should have. He followed the wrong crowd, resulting in serious trouble.
I: He did not analyze, solve, or counsel as he should have. He put himself and others in serious jeopardy.
R: He did not do shoulder-to-shoulder friendship as he should have. He engaged in illegal activities with his friends.
S: He tried to understand and know what he should not have about the opposite sex. He got a girl pregnant.
Suppose one or several of the above transpired with your son. Do you feel extremely upset and offended? Do you find yourself mad about this day after day? Do you feel an animus toward your son that controls your opinion of him?
Forgiving, Forgetting, and Absolution
You need to forgive your son. By that I mean you need a forgiving spirit.
Unfortunately, many misunderstand the expression “a forgiving spirit.” They think it means absolving a boy of all wrongdoing and moving forward as though nothing happened, as though mom has amnesia.
Many of us have heard the saying, “To forgive is to forget.” That then begs the question, “If we have not forgotten, have we not forgiven?” Anyone with half a brain won’t forget serious transgressions. For this reason, we need to learn that one can have a forgiving spirit while remembering the transgression. The Bible does not teach that if you forgive you will lose all recall.
Furthermore, one can have a forgiving spirit and still make the other person answerable for what he did wrong. Forgiveness does not demand exoneration. Let’s take an extreme example. A mother can have a forgiving spirit toward her son who stole all of her jewelry and sold it to get money for his drug addiction. Her forgiving spirit does not prohibit her from contacting the police to inform them of what he did and bringing the full weight of the law to bear against her boy. (By the way, she remembers his wrongdoing the rest of her life. Her forgiveness does not entail forgetfulness.) Forgiveness does not necessarily mean she drops the charges either. She can have a forgiving spirit while visiting him in prison. A forgiving spirit does not preclude the enactment of serious consequences for lawlessness. There is no contradiction with a mother’s forgiving spirit and having her son under lock and key.
She can say to her son,
“I have forgiven you totally, but my love and respect for who I believe you to be compelled me to do what was clearly best for you. The best option was to allow you to suffer the consequences of your wrongdoing and be placed in a rehab facility. I forgive you, but I am not for ‘giving you’ license to do that which will ruin the honorable man I see in you.”
What About Trust?
Does a forgiving spirit mean a mother must trust her son? No. This is important since some boys guilt-trip their moms. “If you really have forgiven me, you will trust me and won’t keep asking me what I am up to.” Intimidated, mom turns quiet and docile to prove that she has forgiven and that she trusts her son. However, she does not have to prove anything. She did nothing wrong. Her son is the one who did wrong and needs to prove himself. If a mother interprets a forgiving spirit as demanding blind trust, she will turn angry, contentious, and contemptuous after he takes advantage of her for the fifth time.
The wisest pathway to walk is to have a forgiving spirit while remaining diligent to do what is best for the boy, not back away into silence and meekness because the boy says, “You don’t trust me.” A mom can reply,
“I trust your spirit, but I do not trust your carnal flesh. I don’t trust my own carnal flesh. Neither one of us must kid ourselves about our weaknesses. But this isn’t about my trusting you; this is about your proving to me that you are trustworthy, and that comes by my verifying what you are doing. Trustworthy people can always verify themselves.”
As President Reagan used to espouse: trust but verify.
The Bible on Bitterness and an Unforgiving Spirit
“But Emerson, I hear you. I can hold my son’s feet to the fire along with a forgiving spirit. But honestly, I no longer want to be forgiving. I have lost the energy and incentive to let go of my resentment.”
Another mom might declare, “I tried this forgiveness thing, and it didn’t work. I have to be in a constant state of anger to remain strong and forceful.” She concludes that her bitter attitude toward her son ensures that he does not forget that he offended her, guards against his hurting her again, and empowers her to motivate her son to repent.
Let me share two fundamental incentives God’s Word reveals for letting go of rancor.
First, the Bible says in Hebrews 12:15, “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.” Note that bitterness (an unforgiving spirit) does not eliminate trouble but causes trouble. In fact, a mother becomes defiled by her own bitterness. If you have ever had someone break into your home while you were gone and they went through your belongings and stole things, you know what it feels like to be defiled. In like manner, your bitterness breaks into your soul and defiles you. It also spills over onto friends and family members. As the text says, “by it many [are] defiled.” Nothing good comes of an unforgiving spirit.
Second, long-term resentment subjects a mother to demonic attack and undermines her close fellowship with Christ. We read in Ephesians 4:26 –27 “BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” Note that Satan takes advantage of prolonged anger. Paul referenced the same idea with the Corinthians. We read in 2 Corinthians 2:10–11, “But one whom you forgive anything, I forgive also; for indeed what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ, so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes.” Again, an unforgiving spirit gives Satan access to us in a way that he would not have if we had let go of the resentment.
At the end of the day, before the sun sets, this is not about your son. This is about you giving permission to the devil to have a foothold in your heart. He cannot possess you, but he will oppress you. He will intensify your anger, undermine your relationships and reputation, and cause you to come short of receiving all the grace God intends to impart. I wouldn’t mess with an unforgiving spirit.
See Your Son’s Goodwill
Get in tune with your boy’s goodwilled intentions. He may be thoughtless, but he is not mean-spirited. A mom wrote:
Remember how it felt to be stood up on a date? Well, how is it to be stood up on a lunch date by your own twenty-six-year-old son, and to top it off, he sees you four days later and doesn’t mention it at all? This is where I have to remember the goodwilled principle and really exercise obedience to be merciful and forgiving. He, as a man in my life, did not intentionally get up that Wednesday morning and decide that he wanted to hurt me and ignore his promise to dear old mom. I have to choose not to say what is going through my mind or plot some stinging rebuke to his next attempt at making this lunch date.
Your boy isn’t trying to be unloving or disrespectful. Trust his heart. See his goodwill. This eases the hurt and removes the supposed offense.
This Is Ultimately Not About Your Boy
For the mother following Christ, God calls her to do what she does “as to the Lord.” Jesus said that as we have done things to the least of these, we have done them to Him (Matt. 25:40). The great news is that everything a mother does toward Christ counts. This means seeing Jesus beyond the shoulder of your boy.
A mother e-mailed:
I was convicted by your teaching to always show respect for my four boys. I have been having immense struggles about obedience with my seven-year-old son. I have been burdened with a dislike for him as we engage in this Crazy Cycle. I don’t want to be a part of it, but [I am] raising seven children, ages thirteen to four months, with a husband that travels at times. I start to lose my purpose in serving the Lord. Your message today was so freeing. I know he shows the ugliness in my heart. I was at my end, exhausted from my inability to break this cycle. I am going to look beyond him and see Christ. I am going to reflect on scripture to show Jesus’ love for him. I am going to let God do the work to mold him.
In my book Love & Respect in the Family, I address that which I call the Rewarded Cycle. When a mother does what she does “unto” Christ, the Lord will say to her, “Well done!” We learn in Ephesians 5 and 6, which addresses marriage, parenting, and indentured servants, that Paul established a universal principle: “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free” (Eph. 6:7–8 NIV).
Nothing you do toward your son is wasted when you do it as to the Lord Jesus Himself. In fact, God intends to reward you throughout eternity. As you seek to revere Christ beyond the shoulder of your boy, you will approach your son with dignity and respect. Actually, showing a respectful attitude toward your son when encouraging him or disciplining him receives a boost when you envision Jesus with the eyes of faith standing beyond your boy.
As we end, please know that though you cannot control the ultimate outcomes in your boy, you can control your actions and reactions. You can seek your son’s forgiveness and the Lord’s, and you can have a forgiving spirit. You do what you do unto Christ beyond the shoulder of your boy. When you do these things, you touch the heart of the other Son in your life.