“THE REAL REASON TO PARENT GOD’S WAY” FROM LOVE & RESPECT IN THE FAMILY
What does this mean for us? The Family Rewarded Cycle visual on page 183 stated: “A parent’s love regardless of a child’s respect . . .” I want to expand on this to say a better statement is “a parent’s love unto Jesus Christ and his child regardless of a child’s respect . . .” As parents, we must parent “unto Jesus Christ,” regardless of the choices our children make. Parenting God’s way means that we parent unto Christ even though our children fail to be who we hope they can be.
How do we parent unto Christ? In these Family Rewarded Cycle chapters, I hope to show you that I am not talking about ethereal spiritual jargon. To parent unto Christ means an entirely different approach. It means to be Christ-conscious in all we do with and for our children—this is God’s highest call to parents.
Does the Bible tell us to “parent as unto the Lord”? In Colossians 3:15–24, Paul instructed all believers to be conscious of Christ as present with us in daily living. We are to “let the peace of Christ rule in [our] hearts . . . and be thankful [to God]” (v. 15). We are to “let the word of Christ richly dwell within” us (v. 16). And, whatever we “do in word or deed,” we “do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father” (v. 17).
Briefly put, we are to do what we do and say what we say “as unto the Lord” (for example, Ephesians 5:22 KJV). I prefer the King James translation of “as unto the Lord” or, in some other passages, “as to the Lord” because it is a stronger way to express the idea that all that we do should be done, not just “for” the Lord but “unto” Jesus (Matthew 25:40 KJV). The Lord is actively present. In the total context of Colossians 3:15–24, Paul applied this powerful truth to marriage and family life (especially vv. 18–21). In all of life, and particularly as spouses and parents, we are to rise above horizontal living and be in touch with the vertical relationship we have with our heavenly Father through Jesus Christ our Lord. We are to do what we do “as to the Lord” (v. 23 KJV) because “it is the Lord Christ whom you serve” (v. 24). By the way, in a parallel passage—Ephesians 5:18–6:9—the same truths are set forth. This is no small matter.
To parent “as to the Lord” actually means that in a most profound way this book on parenting has very little to do with children. In a sense, our kids are secondary. This book is not about child-centered parenting but about Christ-centered parenting. Though we are conscious of our children and love them more than our own lives, as we apply G.U.I.D.E.S. 24/7, we are to be more conscious of Christ than we are of our children. Beyond the feelings of our children, we are to have a reverent regard for the feelings of Christ, the One we desire to please in the ultimate sense.
In fact, Scripture tells us to love Christ more than we love our kids. Jesus said, “He who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Matthew 10:37). Yes, we concentrate on the kids in parenting since that is inescapable, but we focus more on Christ in parenting since that is incomparable.
But if we are to confidently go about our parenting as to the Lord, we must be very clear on who we are in Him. Mentally and emotionally we must seize and hold dear the truth about our eternal value to the Lord. For example, we need to hear the word of Christ concerning our worth. “Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?” (Matthew 6:26). Each of us must recognize God’s forever view of us and the incalculable value He places on us. Most important, does our value to God really affect our marriage and our parenting?
When I weigh the words Jesus used to describe what He has done for me, I am stunned. He has ransomed me, forgiven me, given me eternal life, loved me, and He has prepared a place for me (Matthew 20:28, 26:28; John 3:16, 15:9, 14:2). In letting the Word of Christ richly dwell within me, I catch a glimpse of His gracious acceptance, eternal endorsement, and priceless valuation of me. I invite you to comprehend the same—right now. And remember, none of this is merited. We do not earn any of Christ’s unwarranted gifts but can only receive them and let all these truths affect the way we parent.
To not understand that our significance and true identity are in Christ and not in our children puts us in danger of being discouraged, as was the mother who wrote:
One of my problems is that when the kids misbehave or don’t act as I think they should, then I feel it is such a reflection on me and an extension of me. I suppose it is a pride thing or part of my personality, but do you have any suggestions because this seems to be what wears me down and then paralyzes me, and I feel defeated. Does this make sense?
Her comments make perfect sense to Sarah and me. We have been there. Sarah recalls our very first year of parenting: “I wanted Jonathan to be perfect in the nursery at church. Sadly, he wasn’t perfect at three months old, and he cried every Sunday, and I felt like a failure.”
As funny as this nursery episode sounds now, it is symbolic of what we felt as parents as the years went on and the matters became more serious. As our children grew, they did what children do—acted imperfectly. Our motive for wanting perfectly behaved children was pure (we wanted to protect them from the consequences of bad choices), but when their behavior caused us to question our worth as parents and even our worth as Christians, we became deeply discouraged. On the heels of many wrong choices made by our children, Sarah and I sat sadly and quietly as we wondered where we had gone wrong. How did we fail to help our children make the right choices? What was wrong with us as parents? Why couldn’t we guide them better during their testing and temptations?
There were some dark evenings when we had to deal with these woeful feelings, as many parents must. Would we let these situations conquer us and cause us to stop parenting God’s way, as we wallowed in self-pity? The good news is that such reflection put us in a position not only to look for ways to improve our parenting but, more importantly, to face off with our identity in Christ. As we confessed our failures and defects to God, we allowed Him to remind us of His love, that He is for us, and that He will work all things together for our good.
If we allowed our kids’ unruliness, irresponsibility, and sinfulness—all “normal” behavior that we were trying to correct—to define our true identity . . .
• our sense of self-worth would go up and down based on how “good” our kids were at all times. For us to feel good about ourselves, our children had to perform well. Obviously this was not fair to us—and certainly not to them.
• we would be making them responsible for our sense of peace, instead of letting the peace of Christ rule in our hearts.
• we would be letting their words about us determine how we felt about ourselves, instead of trusting the words of Christ to determine our sense of self-worth.
As the days passed, Sarah and I humbly let the Scriptures create a new script in our hearts and minds, and so must you. What is your inner script? Have you come to grips with your position in Christ? Do you realize that you have worth because He says you have worth, not because of anything you (or your kids) do or do not do?
As I talk to parents across the country, I find a lot of people who feel defeated as parents because of how their kids behave (or have turned out). What I am about to share with you will not only refresh your soul personally but also enable you to parent as God intends—or at least make better progress in that direction.
You Are “Worth Jesus to God”
All of us who believe in Christ as Savior have a “passport to heaven,” so to speak, which says, “Because of Jesus Christ, this is a forgiven, accepted, approved, made righteous, made perfect, adopted child of God.” As Jesus is the Son of God, we are adopted sons and daughters of God. We are in God’s family never to be forsaken. This is our true identity. We are beloved children of God—children for whom He has never-ending feelings of compassion. Will we believe that God feels this way about us even when we do not feel this way about ourselves? We must! This is what faith means.
Do you get this? Do you comprehend what it means to be “beloved by God,” a refrain used dozens of times in the Bible about all believers? It took Sarah and me some time at first to grasp this truth (and we are still in the process, to some degree), but when we did, it tremendously affected the way we parented. God’s truth was there for the dark moments. We had to accept and believe what all Christian parents must believe: we are worth Jesus to God! The Bible declares: “For you have been bought with a price” (1 Corinthians 6:20; 7:23). What price? “You were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold . . . but with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ” (1 Peter 1:18–19). We were bought with the blood of Christ. His life for our life.
Please join Sarah and me in saying: “Yes, I am worth Jesus to God. When God says I have worth, I have worth!”
I am well aware that in the daily grind of life, our feelings counter and undermine our trust in our true worth to God. But once we know our worth to God, we cease trying to derive our worth from our children. Yes, today they give us reasons to rejoice, and tomorrow they may cause heartache and sorrow, but at no time do they determine our value and importance as redeemed human beings. As believers in Christ we bring our identity to our parenting; we do not derive our identity from our parenting.
As one mother told me, “Our children can’t heal our wounds; only God can.” She realized how unhealthy her attitude toward her kids was when she expected them to create a healthy self-image in her. She realized she had been trying to hold them accountable for her well-being. She had been requiring them to act obediently to shore up her sagging self-esteem.
One more biblical promise confirms that we are worth Jesus to the Father: our eternal inheritance. “Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God” (Galatians 4:7). But what does “heir” mean? “The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ” (Romans 8:16–17). There it is! “Fellow heirs with Christ”! “All things belong to [us], and [we] belong to Christ; and Christ belongs to God” (1 Corinthians 3:22b–23).
I have given you this short course on the believer’s worth in the eyes of Abba Father to demonstrate that Christian parents have a living, divine document—the oracles of God—that tells us who we are in His eyes (Hebrews 5:12). As we work at parenting each day, we must believe God’s truth, even when we do not necessarily feel it.
We must believe that a biblical self-image gives Christian parents a controlling peace during the daily trials—a very practical benefit to us and our kids. So when the dog chews the corner of the couch, our toddler falls down the stairs and breaks an arm, or our teen wrecks the car, we can walk with the assurance of knowing that somehow in only His sovereign wisdom God is always working all this together for the good of those who love Him (memorize Romans 8:28). No, we do not expect perfect peace all the time; there will be frustrating and fatiguing days. However, if we but ask, moments of God’s peace will soften the sharp edges that may form on our demeanor, which could cut and damage our children.
We parent as unto Christ because of our identity in Him, but we also parent unto Jesus for one more reason. An eternal reward awaits us, and nothing compares to this eternal reward. Paul intended all believers, including parents, to know “that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve” (Colossians 3:24).
“Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant!”
All Christian parents will one day stand before the Lord at the judgment seat of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:10; Romans 14:10). Our parenting will be part of this judgment. We will not be judged for our children’s conduct toward us but for our conduct toward our children. We will hear His humble and true evaluation of our actions and reactions toward our kids. Hopefully, we will hear, “Well done,” and receive the Lord’s reward for our godly actions and reactions in the parenting process.
This is why it is so important that our parenting should be more unto the Lord than toward our kids. In the words of our Lord in Matthew 25, “Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to . . . even the least of them, you did it to Me” (v. 40). And as Paul put it in Ephesians 6:7–8: “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does” (NIV). Paul was saying that whatever we do as to the Lord, we will receive back from Him, and that certainly includes parenting (which he addressed a few verses earlier in Ephesians 6:4). Everything you do as a mom or dad counts, even if your child ignores you. This is what the Family Rewarded Cycle is all about. God never ignores you!
Parents who feel discouraged can suddenly catch the truth that what they do matters to God; nothing is wasted. Putting on love toward a disrespectful child counts to God even if the child refuses to appreciate the love. These seemingly fruitless efforts matter to God because this is the kind of service He rewards. In other words, when our children refuse to respond to us but we still love them, the Lord rewards us as parents.
What are the rewards? We get some of them on earth, but we get an incredible reward in heaven. Jesus wants to say, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” (Matthew 25:23 NIV). What would some of those “few things” be? Surely they include what Paul described as God’s call to parents, which we studied under G.U.I.D.E.S. When you make a decision to parent God’s way, the dividends are without end. Jesus is offering you a bargain. Do a few things on earth in this life and get many things forever in heaven.
Have you ever thought about what it will mean to “share your master’s happiness”? It will be joy without measure. Think of your graduation day, wedding day, birthdays, children’s birthdays, summer vacations, promotions, retirement, good times of all descriptions. What if every hour of every day you experienced the glory and joy of all these events at once in their fullest intensity? When you “share your master’s happiness,” the intensity will be trillions of times greater.
Envision the scene as believers ascend into heaven and stand before Christ. To a parent He says, “Well done. You’ve put on love toward your disrespectful child. I watched. You are about to be rewarded for every act of love.”
As Christ-following parents we have the privilege of living with the end in mind, which is doing Christ’s will and hearing His, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” This is about pleasing Christ by the way we parent. In other words, parenting is a tool and test to deepen and demonstrate our love, reverence, trust, and obedience toward Jesus Christ.
But how do we stand the test? How does all this work in the daily battle? The next three chapters will deal with these questions. First, we need to ask His help to do the impossible—unconditionally love our kids.