Part Four

WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT

YOUR FAMILY

Who’s watching your kids and your spouse when you aren’t? Plenty of people, and they’d love to tell you a few things. From marriage counselors and nannies to mall Santas and mothers-in-law, there are a slew of behind-the-scenes insights (and some funny stories, to boot) you’ll be glad to know.

What makes a wedding planner pretend to be booked? What do your kids really eat at camp, and should you worry about it? What do all happily married people agree on? (Looking out for each other is one thing, but part two may surprise you.) And Santa? That beard the kids are tugging on may be worth thousands! Learn the secrets to a happy family at all stages of life with these insider truths.

 

WHAT YOUR WEDDING PLANNER WON’T TELL YOU

What do you get for that often hefty price tag? If only you knew. Wedding planners around the country reveal the good, the bad, and the very ugly secrets about preparing for the big day.

1. I keep secrets. At one wedding I planned, the cake went missing after the bride and groom cut it. The bride soon asked where the cake was. Turns out the servers had taken it upon themselves to eat it! We cut the pieces smaller and the bride never knew. Keeping things quiet is the secret behind making the bride think the wedding was flawless.

2. I hate feeling devalued. When a potential client begins to nickel and dime me, I know they do not understand what it is I will be doing for them.

3. The biggest mistake you can make is choosing the cheapest vendors in the hopes of saving money. You truly get what you pay for.

4. Don’t forget the tax and service charge. Many couples overlook the “plus plus” when planning a menu. Everything has a tax and service charge, and it really adds up—trust me!

5. Just because you planned your own destination wedding doesn’t mean you can do my job better than I can. Yes, you may have found lower rates on Orbitz, but you don’t have access to the contract and package perks that I’m able to offer to my brides.

6. I do manual labor and other dreadful tasks. I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve been on my hands and knees, sweating. I sometimes have to count the napkins and linens before they go back to the rental company. I’m talking dirty, smelly napkins, with food, lipstick, and whatever else is on them. Talk about gross!

7. Reuse flowers from ceremony to reception if at all possible. Be sure to tell your florist so your flowers aren’t arranged to look good from only one side.

8. You can always elope! It’s never too late to run away and have a relaxing wedding. You’ll have great memories to share with your friends and family once you’re home.

9. This is a full-time job, and on the big day we are steaming the bridal gown, pinning boutonnieres, making sure that the timelines are being met, making sure there are no spots on the glasses or silverware, allowing gum to be spit out in our hands before the ceremony, dealing with any situations that arise, and the list goes on!

10. Make sure the things you spend money on can be reused. Don’t have “bride” and “groom” etched on your flutes and toasting glasses. The same rule applies to serving pieces. If you must get something engraved, make it your initials, and then you have an heirloom.

11. Some things will not go perfectly. We’ll do our best to fix mistakes without you knowing and bill you later at our discretion. I’ll go to great lengths to make sure your wedding is perfect. Your wedding is my job, and I’ll do everything I can to make it memorable, including walking miles to a florist in Jamaica to correct the $700 bouquet that arrived spray-painted purple.

12. I’ll make sure everything you’re offered is in the contract. If the first manager you work with offers you a complimentary toast, get it in writing. If that manager leaves for whatever reason, you won’t be forced to argue about these details with his or her replacement.

13. Stay focused on the big picture. It’s easy to micromanage all of the details at the expense of the big picture. As long as people marry for the right reasons, the details of wedding planning are really secondary. Don’t make decisions to please or impress others.

SOURCES: Candice “Candy” Cain, Candy Cain Travel; Karen Clark, SomethingBorrowedSomethingBlue.com; Denise Georgiou-Newell, WPICC, DWC, CSP, TICO, WeDDings Jubilee Planning Services; Wayne Gurnick, AIFD, MomentsByWayne.com; Jill Higgins, Jill Higgins Photography; Lynn Jawitz, Florisanllc.com; Bryant Keller, bryantkeller.com; Gregorio Palomino, CEP, CWP; Tanya W. Porter, Weddings, Etc., LLC; Jules Rupae, Jules Rupae Events; Holly Schoenke, Simply Sweet Weddings.

Be an Instant Expert

8 Creative Ways to Cut Wedding Costs

1. Skip the custom-printed invitations. Your guests will probably never even notice the scalloped edges and silver ink that cost you an extra $2 per print. They probably also won’t know if you’ve made your invitations yourselves. Although they are the enemy of wedding invitation designers, invitation software packages offer modern fonts and graphics, and they are easy to use.

2. Book a budding musical talent. If you have always dreamed of having a live string quartet or even a rock band at your wedding reception, but can’t afford their fees, hire music students—just listen to them perform at a concert or gig before you hire them.

3. Take a class in wedding planning. Although these courses are designed for people embarking on wedding planning as a career, you’ll pick up huge amounts of inside information.

4. Use local expertise. Ask around and you’ll quickly discover bargain talent in your area, whether you want a wedding dress or outfit stitched, a cake baked, special ties or cravats made for the bridegroom and his party, or flowers arranged for your church and reception.

5. Consider nonfloral centerpieces. The flowers in the bride’s bouquet and on your mom, dad, bridesmaids, and other relatives are the flowers that will be in your photos, so that’s where you want to invest. Rather than having floral centerpieces, “Put beautiful, tall candles on the tables and surround them with glass pebbles, or float votive candles in water,” says Deb McCoy, president of the American Academy of Wedding Professionals.

6. Buy booze by the head, not by the drink. Even if most of your wedding guests are nondrinkers, don’t let the caterer talk you into paying by the drink. The secret about teetotalers is that many actually do imbibe when the liquor is free, and what’s free for them costs you about $7.50 per cocktail. Plus, there will be no surprises when the bill comes.

7. Cut to the cake. Cut your cake and toss your bouquet early in the night so your photographer and videographer can leave early. Plus, after the professional photographers leave, your guests will be more likely to start snapping pictures with the inexpensive, disposable cameras on their tables.

8. Consider your credit card your secret weapon. Paying for everything related to your wedding and reception with a credit card will protect you should anything go wrong with your vendors. If the first-rate photographer you booked gets hit by a bus the day before the wedding and you put the deposit on a credit card, your money will be refunded. If you had paid with cash, your money would have gone down with the photographer. Your credit card is like a free wedding insurance policy in your wallet, so use it.

WHAT HAPPILY MARRIED PEOPLE WANT TO TELL YOU

Not everything about marriage is pretty. And the couples who make it accept and love that fact. Here’s what they want you to know.

1. Only puppies want to be on top of each other—and they get tired of it, too. Sometimes, you need space.

2. Is there anyone who hasn’t, at least once, remembered they left the car windows open when the rain, and sex, started at the same time?

3. A date isn’t all candlelight and dinner. The true criterion for a date: anything that lets you focus on each other. That could be weeding the garden while you chat amiably, a weeklong trip to Bermuda, or ten minutes over morning coffee.

4. There’s a couple who randomly asks each other, “how’s your love tank?” They want to see if each other’s love tank—how loved they feel—is full, half-full, or getting near empty. If it’s low, it’s not taken personally; it’s just a signal that the other partner needs something.

5. Most people have at least one thing about their partner they really can’t stand. Of course you’re going to be seriously annoyed at some of a partner’s habits. For example: snoring, hygiene, sloppiness, or foot-in-mouth problems. You are lucky if it’s just one habit.

6. Over time there is less that you have to say—you know your partner’s response! Long silences are OK.

7. Almost everyone has had a fantasy lover—either a real one that didn’t work out or a movie star or some famous person who you dream about. There is that “What if…” thought that comes now and then.

8. Sometimes you just want to chuck it all. Hey, life is sometimes just hellish or boring—or both. Or you feel underappreciated and overworked. Not taking care of yourself happens sometimes, too. Everyone knows it’s important to stay fit and attractive, but it’s just so much work.

9. Sometimes the mojo isn’t working, but you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. It’s normal sometimes to fake more sexual arousal than you’re experiencing. Good partners tend to be kind about this sort of thing—angry partners telegraph that, on the whole, they’d rather be watching TV.

10. A calm, mature, trustworthy babysitter is worth her—or his—weight in gold. Even better than one babysitter: Develop a stable of two or three to boost your odds that one will be available when you need a date night.

11. Quiet sex is OK. So is afternoon sex or sex when the kids are out for the evening. But nothing beats unhurried, loud, whenever-you-want-it sex, followed by a cuddle, a nap, a shower, more lovemaking, a wonderful walk. For this luxury of uninterrupted time, you need to get away—or find a trusted friend, relative, or overnight camp so that the kids can get away.

12. There are ways to feel awake after the kids go to bed. One couple used to take turns taking naps during the day so they wouldn’t be too exhausted to be together at night.

13. Maybe there are some long-term couples who have never told a lie to each other about anything—yes, conscious omissions count—but I wouldn’t make a money bet on that.

SOURCES: Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle; Don Howard and Teresa Titus Howard, a married couple in Blue Springs, Missouri; Susan Vogt; and anonymous couples throughout the United States.

Become an Instant Expert

What to Do Right After You Get Engaged

Tell your parents. Give them the honor of hearing the news first. Have the champagne ready to celebrate.

Let your friends know before Facebook does. Call your best buddies before you log in to Facebook to update your relationship status or tweet your happy news. Be certain everyone who should hear it from you personally has been called.

Ladies, get a manicure. Your finger and its sparkly new adornment will be getting a lot of attention.

Speaking of rings, get yours appraised and insured!

Craft a catchall response. You’ll be asked when you’re getting married often. Get past the “big day” question by choosing a month, season, or even just a year.

WHAT YOUR MARRIAGE COUNSELOR WON’T TELL YOU

How can you figure out when fighting is a good thing? Find out this and much more with these 13 stable-union secrets that it’s never too late to know.

1. I love couples who fight in the waiting room. At least they still care about each other. If one or both of you seems indifferent, my job is a lot harder.

2. The earlier you come in, the quicker you can get the problem solved, the less your therapy will cost.

3. When you say your feelings “just aren’t there anymore,” I know you’re probably cheating.

4. Sometimes I’ll tell a couple “no sex until the next session. Don’t touch each other, period.” What I’m really hoping is that they’ll fail and feel a sense of unity from their mutual rebellion.

5. What do I wish I could say? “Grow up!” “Stop whining!” “Get a life!” When I feel this way, I know I need a vacation.

6. Don’t try to convince me you’re the good one. In most marriages, there isn’t a good one.

7. Yes, you should go to bed angry. If you try to resolve everything before you hit the sack, you’ll both be sleep-deprived and cranky the next day. Instead, get a good night’s sleep and talk once you’re rested.

8. Three signs that a couple is not going to succeed: name-calling, finger-pointing, and when one or both partners fails to accept even the tiniest bit of responsibility for the situation.

9. Sometimes two people love each other but have such different styles of living that I recommend they live together in a duplex. It sounds strange, but it works for some people.

10. I’ve seen couples I thought didn’t stand a chance end up staying together. Often it’s because they’re both willing to try. But sometimes it’s just that they are too dysfunctional to leave each other.

11. Don’t expect your spouse to be everything you need: your lover, your best friend, your massage therapist, and your confidant. You need other relationships outside your marriage to fill those roles.

12. The big thing most women don’t understand: Men are not mind readers. If you don’t tell him how you feel, he’s not going to know. The big thing most men don’t understand: If you hardly acknowledge your wife all day, she’s not going to want to get intimate with you at night.

13. The person who complains about things that happened in the past is usually more of the problem than the spouse they’re complaining about. And if I ask you how long you’ve had problems and your answer is “ten years,” you’re not going to change things in ten minutes or ten sessions.

SOURCES: Susan Fletcher, PhD, a psychologist in Dallas, Texas; Lawrence J. Levy, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Boca Raton, Florida; Nancy Mramor, PhD, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Jeff Palitz, a marriage and family therapist in Chula Vista, California; Meghan L. Reitz, LCPC, NCC, in Schaumburg, Illinois; Karen Sherman, PhD, in New York, New York; Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist in Long Beach, California; and a marriage counselor in Pennsylvania.

Great Advice

HOW TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

As nice as it would be, your relationship won’t just thrive on its own while you’re taking care of the other business of life. Here’s how to take it off autopilot and keep the excitement and partnership.

Schedule time for your marriage first. Don’t relegate your relationship to scraps of leftover time. “In mapping out your schedule for the next several weeks, why not start with writing in date times for you and your mate?” suggest Claudia and David Arp, founders of Marriage Alive International and coauthors of marriage books including 10 Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage. “Unless you’re willing to make your relationship a higher priority than other relationships and activities, you won’t have a growing marriage,” notes Claudia Arp.

Create couples rituals. Do something regularly that bonds you, such as 10 minutes to chat before bed, always having morning coffee together, or saving Saturday for date night.

Institute a daily check-in. Marriage experts recommend couples do something that big business has employed for decades to keep workers happy, productive, and in the loop: hold regular team meetings. Luckily yours will be more fun than listening to Bob from accounting go over the last month’s sales numbers. In a daily check-in, you might start by appreciating something about each other, offer some new information about your day, and end with a hope that could be small (“I hope we can go see that new movie Friday night”) or lavish (“I’d love to retire at age 50 and sail the Mediterranean with you.”)

Ask “Is it good for our relationship?” When you bump up against any important decision in your marriage, don’t just talk about whether it’s good for you and for your spouse. If you don’t even want to ask the question, that’s a red flag that whatever it is—from working late to “surprising” your spouse with an expensive new living room sofa to making individual plans on your usual date night—isn’t going to be good for your marriage.

Cheer each other on. “One of the most important things to me is that my wife, Rebecca, is for me and I’m for her,” says Lee Potts, a retired computer programmer from St. Louis, Missouri. “It sounds simplistic, but it’s really important. I’ve been married twice before, and I don’t think we had each other’s best interests at heart like this. We had our own agendas.” Look for the positive in your new spouse; develop a sense of humor; and give honest, specific praise.

Disconnect from the 24/7 office. Push the “off” button! When researchers tracked the technology use and moods of 1,367 women and men for two years, they found that those who sent and received the most calls and messages were also most likely to say that this “work spillover” left them tired and distracted at home. Not to mention stressed: “Your boss doesn’t tend to call you with the good news,” says lead researcher Noelle Chesley at the University of Wisconsin–Milwaukee. “You do hear that suddenly there’s a deadline crisis.” Set limits on when you’ll check e-mails and when your phone will be on.

Create a code word for love. Find a secret way to express your love that only the two of you understand. It comes in handy if your spouse calls when the boss is standing beside your desk, and creates that “just us” feeling anytime you use it.

In a survey of over 10,000 married couples, 97% of happy couples listed togetherness as a top priority, while only 28% of unhappy pairs listed it. Enjoying free time together and not letting friends and family interfere in the relationship were also valued by the large majority of happy couples.

SOURCES: Pat Love, EdD., marriage and sex therapist; David Olson, PhD at the University of Minnesota, and daughter Amy Olson-Sigg

WHAT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW WON’T TELL YOU

Here are some reasons why she’s secretly glad you’re in her life—even when it doesn’t seem like it.

1. It hurts to be downsized. I spent a couple of decades being the leading lady; now I have a smaller role.

2. I know he’s your husband now. But he’s still my son.

3. You don’t have to call me Mom. But it would be nice if you did.

4. Thank you. I don’t always say it because I’m afraid you’ll think I’m sucking up. But I’ve never seen my son happier than he is now, married and with children.

5. A little gratitude wouldn’t hurt. Every year, I send you a birthday present, but you never even pick up the phone to thank me. This year, I said, “That’s it. No more.” Yet look at me: I’m about to send another present. I guess that’s how I am.

6. I want the best for both of us. We mothers say to our children, “I want you to be happy.” And we mean that. What we don’t say is, “But I would like to be happy, too.”

7. I know a little something. I’ve bought and sold 13 houses in my life. Why won’t you ask for my advice?

8. When I visit you, I’m just coming to see the family. I’m not coming for a white-glove inspection.

9. I’m lucky to have you! Whenever I stay at your house, you always have my room ready, my towels, everything. You do all the right things.

10. I’m truly appreciative. I’m happy that you allow my son—your husband—to visit me on Mother’s Day. It’s a long trip and a big expense.

11. I have a dirty little secret. I’m afraid that if I don’t get this right, you’ll cut me off.

12. I’ve got his number. When I really want to talk to my son privately, I don’t call your house. I call his cell phone.

13. I really want to make you happy. If you hate that green sweater I bought you, please, please tell me.

SOURCES: Susan Abel Lieberman, PhD, author of The Mother-in-Law’s Manual; Jane Angelich, author of What’s a Mother (in-Law) to Do?; and anonymous mothers-in-law in four states.

Great Advice

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW TRIPS YOUR SWITCH

Even a great mother-in-law can frustrate you now and then, which is why the coauthors of Anger Kills, Virginia Williams, PhD, and Redford Williams, MD, recommend these ways to cope with your ire (and avoid the defibrillator):

1. Recognize that anger is universal. We’re stuck with it, and making sure it doesn’t hurt you means understanding when to express it—and when to let it go. It’s having only one way to react—always or never—that can make anger a problem.

2. Ask yourself if whatever made you angry is important. Is what you’re thinking and feeling appropriate to the objective facts of the situation? Can you modify this situation? Is it worth taking action?

3. Talk yourself down: a) yell “Stop!” to yourself (silently) when you start replaying an offense; b) distract yourself (surf travel sites for dream vacations); c) breathe in, clench your fist, breathe out, release fist. Repeat.

More than 60 percent of mothers-in-law see their son’s wife as either a daughter, a friend, or the right woman for their son. Just 10 percent see her as the enemy, according to a survey of 1,868 mothers-in-laws and 2,000 daughters-in-laws, conducted jointly by ThirdAge.com and GalTime.com.

WHAT YOUR PARENTS WON’T TELL YOU

Do you still feel like you’re seven around your parents even though you’re the boss in your own house? Well, here’s how to forge a rewarding, adult relationship with your mom and dad.

1. We’re adults, too. If your parents still treat you like a kid despite the fact that you have kids of your own, you may have to help them let you “grow up.” The key is thinking of them as adults, not parents, and acting like an adult when you’re around them. A simple way to do this is to ask yourself a question before each interaction with them: “How would I act in this situation if Mom or Dad was a friend or an acquaintance?” Then behave accordingly.

2. We like to talk about the world with you. Model your conversations with Mom and Dad on those you have with friends. Don’t limit conversations strictly to family memories, or gossip about family members, or your personal life. There’s a whole wide world out there—why not explore it with Mom and Dad as you would with a friend? Current events, sports, work, local neighborhood issues, or national politics (if you can manage such a conversation and still be on speaking terms the next day) are all fair game.

3. Keep your sense of humor. When you’re dealing with your parents, laughter can be a lifesaver—both to help you handle the stress of dealing with sometimes crotchety individuals and to help you bond together. Tell a few jokes you know they’ll enjoy, share some comics from the paper, or e-mail with them. If you can laugh together, you’re doing OK.

4. Sometimes you have to speak up. We’re not always going to like it. If you love your mom and dad but they drive you batty, your resentment can eat away at your relationship. So don’t seethe silently. Communicate, with gentleness and respect. For instance, if your mom keeps calling you at work, tell her that your boss is starting to notice and, while you love talking to her during the day, it’s beginning to affect your job performance. Arrange a call you can both count on at a mutually convenient time.

5. Why ask our advice unless you really want it? Sometimes asking for a parent’s advice is really a way of asking for Mom’s or Dad’s approval. If that’s the case, remember that you’re an adult now, perfectly capable of choosing a living room carpet or a car on your own. If your parents are bent on offering you advice whether asked or not, smile, nod, and take it in (who knows—it may actually be helpful!). Focus on the fact that they have your best interest at heart. Then make your own choice.

6. Don’t ask us to help straighten out your latest personal or financial crisis. While you may depend on their emotional support, relying too much upon their resources, rather than your own, can lead to mutual resentment. So get used to solving your problems, big or small, on your own. You’ll be amazed how good doing it all by yourself can make you feel—and what a positive effect it can have on your relationship with your parents.

7. Create opportunities for exploring and uncovering memories. If your parents are older, look through old scrapbooks with them, asking them for stories about the people in the photos. We help our parents discover the meaning in their lives by encouraging them to talk about their accomplishments, the high points in their lives, and the joys and sorrows they have experienced.

8. We wouldn’t mind creating a video, audio recording, or scrapbook with you. The finished product will not only be a testament to a renewed closeness between you, but also provide a wonderful legacy.

9. Expressing your appreciation is always welcome. Yes, Mom may be a buttinsky, but she always makes your favorite Christmas cookies. Dad is a bit of a stuffed shirt, but just the other day, he came to your rescue when your car died at the mall. The point is, your parents still do things for you that deserve your notice—and gratitude.

10. Rediscover and share mutual interests. When you were a kid, did you and your dad share a passion for a particular football team? Did you and your mother spend time each summer canning tomatoes? Make these happy memories the foundation for new, shared activities.

11. Be honest about who you are and what you want. Maybe there are things about your growing up that your parents regret. But as long as you don’t regret it, they have to adjust. Be clear about who you want to be, and help your parents accept you on your terms.

12. Look for common activities. Baking, shopping, hiking, skiing, carpentry, etc. At any age, sharing a common task or activity is a great way to build closeness.

13. We know your hot buttons. Do not allow parents to channel guilt at you. If your parents are the type to complain about you never calling, never visiting, forgetting an uncle’s birthday, not sending enough pictures, or whatever irks them that day, don’t take the bait and feel guilty—unless you honestly regret the oversight. In which case, apologize immediately and seek a way to make amends. Otherwise, let it roll off your back. You have no obligation to play parent-child guilt games. You are a mature, independent adult, and act on your own volition.

SOURCES: Tom Swanson, PhD, director of support services education at VistaCare, a hospice care provider in Scottsdale, Arizona; Tina B. Tessina, Ph., a licensed psychotherapist in Long Beach, California, and author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction and The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40.

Who Knew?

WHAT PARENTS ARE REALLY THINKING

These real parent/child text message volleys from the website Crazy Things Parents Text say it all.

Money

Me: Dad, my bank account has ten dollars in it!

Dad: Oh good, our plan to get you to contact us succeeded.

Job

Me: I was offered a job!

Dad: Accept it before they realize their mistake.

Tech Help

Dad: What is IDK?

Me: I don’t know.

Dad: Oh, do you know who does?

Love

Me: I love you.

Mom: I tolerate you.

Birthdays

Me: Happy 49th, Dad! I love you so much!

Dad: It’s 48! You ruined my day.

Relationships

Mom: Come downstairs and talk to me please. I’m lonely.

Me: Isn’t Dad there?

Mom: Yes, but I like you more.

WHAT YOUR NANNY WON’T TELL YOU

Here are top things even The Nanny Diaries didn’t bring to light.

1. Treat your nanny with respect and as an equal, and you will have a loyal friend for life. Most of us become lifelong friends of the babies we helped raise, as well as their parents.

2. When you’re hiring a nanny, don’t just rely on references; go with your gut. If you really like—or don’t like—a candidate when you first meet her, trust that instinct.

3. Don’t come home drunk or on drugs, wake up your children to play with them, and then wake me up to put them back to bed.

4. Don’t treat me like a maid. Respect that I’m here to do an important job—watch your children—so don’t expect me to start doing your errands and cleaning non-kid messes.

5. Nannies from other cultures need orientation. Tell me which foods are fancy gourmet foods to be used sparingly and which are everyday foods. I kept eating up the best caviar and spitting it out in the trash, thinking it had gone bad.

6. Ask tons of questions when you’re interviewing. How would she deal with a child who won’t stop crying? Has she ever been fired from a job? Seeing how she reacts under tough questions will give you answers you need to know and an idea of how she responds to pressure.

7. Don’t misrepresent yourself to an agency. If you don’t have an extra room for the nanny, say so. Don’t claim to have a bedroom and bathroom for her, and then ask her to sleep with your child.

8. Pay us well. Value your child a little more and cut corners elsewhere.

9. I am not paid enough to be a substitute parent for your child all the time. If you do not have the time or patience to raise a child, don’t have one.

10. I have my own family. Many of us have kids in other countries. We’d like to see them, but we need vacation time.

11. If you want to save a little money, try hiring a nanny in training. They are eager to please and probably have a lot of background babysitting.

12. If your child bites me, don’t reward her. One parent actually said, “Oh honey, are you hungry?” to her child while ignoring my bleeding face.

13. Start off with a trial basis. That way if you don’t get along, or anything isn’t to your liking, your not locked into an agreement.

SOURCES: Nannies or former nannies in Boston, New York, Seattle, Pennsylvania, and Los Angeles. (Including playwright Lisa Ramirez—whose off-Broadway play, Exit Cuckoo, deals with nannying—and an English nanny who worked for a Hollywood couple).

WHAT YOUR KID’S TEACHER WON’T TELL YOU

What really happens behind the classroom door? Find out the truth and how you might be helping—or not!

1. We know if you’ve been “helping.” We can tell the difference between parents helping their children with homework and doing it for them (especially when they’re clueless in class the next day). Please stop doing everything for your children and allow them to make mistakes. How else will they learn? Kids are not motivated to succeed if they feel their parents will bail them out every time.

2. The truth is simple: Your kid will lie to get out of trouble.

3. Please, no more mugs, frames, or stuffed animals. A gift card to Starbucks or Staples would be more than enough. A thank-you note: even better.

4. We know what your kids really want, and it’s not what you think. Parents give their kids the pricey gadgets and labels, but what kids really crave is for you to talk to them. They want to know you’re interested in their lives.

5. We’re sick of standardized testing and having to “teach to the test.”

6. We don’t arrive at school 10 minutes before your child does. And we don’t leave the minute they get back on the bus. Many of us put in extra hours before and after school.

7. Encourage your child to keep reading. That’s key to success in the classroom at any age.

8. My first year of teaching, a fifth-grader actually threw a chair at me. I saw him recently, and he told me he just graduated from college. That’s what makes it all worthwhile.

9. Teaching is a calling. There’s not a teacher alive who will say she went into this for the money. Guys who dribble a ball for a couple of hours a game can make up to $20 million a year. We educate future leaders and make about $51,000 a year. And while having the summer off is great, many of us have to take on extra jobs—teaching summer school, tutoring—to make ends meet.

10. We get jaded, too. Teaching is not as joyful as it once was for many of us. Disrespectful students and belligerent parents take a toll on us.

11. We spend money out of our own pockets. Teachers often buy things our students need, such as school supplies and even shoes.

12. Please help us by turning off the texting feature on your child’s phone during school hours.

13. You do your job, I’ll do mine. I have parents who are CEOs come in and tell me how to run my classroom. I would never think to go to their offices and tell them how to do their jobs.

SOURCES: American Federation of Teachers; interviews with elementary and middle-school teachers in California, Connecticut, Georgia, Iowa, Minnesota, New York, and Texas.

Great Advice

BEAT BACK-TO-SCHOOL STRESS

The challenge with school stress is that kids don’t always know how to talk about it—so you don’t always know what’s up. Here are expert tips from USA Today and the website Shine that are sure to help both of you out.

1. Listen. Try to casually find out what’s going on with them. Even if they aren’t talking, watch for non-verbal cues and trust your instincts if your kid just doesn’t seem himself or herself. Begin the conversation by offhandedly asking about school while you’re driving home, at the supermarket, or doing a chore around the house together. Don’t pressure them, and refrain from pressing for answers.

2. Talk about homework. If they’re new to homework, discuss the work with them before they sit down to work. Talk about what is due when and help them plan how to get the work done. Don’t focus on grades, but rather focus on completion and understanding the concepts of the assignment. Learning to manage their workload efficiently will help them succeed not only in school, but also in the workforce.

3. Establish a routine. Set a breakfast and morning routine that works for everyone. Try to make mornings calm and be enthusiastic about what’s planned for the day. Lead by example by happily sharing the plans that you have for your day.

4. “Un-Schedule” kids. Extracurricular activities are great, but it’s just as important that kids take time to relax and have some unscheduled time at home or outdoors. Keep one weekday after school as a “free day,” and stick to that schedule for the school year. It’s easier to be relaxed and prepared for the rest of the week when your child has had proper downtime.

WHAT YOUR KID’S CAMP COUNSELOR WON’T TELL YOU

You might not want to know how much fun your kids are having without you!

1. They’re not as homesick as you think they are. For the first week, the cries of the homesick are almost unbearable. After that: “Mom? Who’s Mom?”

2. Your kid is a lot less shy and a lot more competent than you think.

3. Your son may go without showering for weeks and will shun clothing.

4. We don’t always know where your kids are. As long as he or she is eventually found, we’re not going to tell you about all the times we had to call a search-and-rescue for your child.

5. Some of us are hungover every morning and rigidly enforce afternoon naptime not because the kids need the rest but because our heads hurt.

6. Even if it’s not a coed camp, your teen is going to learn more about the opposite sex (accurate or not) than you want them to know.

7. If they want to eat peanut butter and jelly for weeks in a row, there’s really nothing we can do about it.

8. We confiscate the “illegal” candy you send and eat it ourselves. For your kid’s own good, of course.

9. Your kids will be plunged into icy water, submitted to exotic “tortures,” and scared witless countless times—just because we think it’s funny…. Oh, and they’ll love it.

10. Camp builds self-esteem. The typical camper return rate is about 60 percent, according to the American Camp Association (ACA), and 92 percent of campers surveyed say the people at camp “helped me feel good about myself.”

11. Your child is going to speak in incomprehensible camp slang for weeks after coming home. And they’ll pine for people named Lunchmeat, Fuzzy, and Ratboy.

12. We actually do this because we love your kids—and we’ll probably do it again next year. According to the ACA, the average return rate for staff is 40 to 60 percent. Camp is even more fun as a counselor than it is as a camper.

13. Learning to make wallets may seem silly, but the real value is the self-confidence kids get when they make something they can actually use.

Great Advice

GIVE YOUR KIDS A GREAT CAMP EXPERIENCE—WITHOUT BREAKING THE BANK

1. Make a rough list. With a sense of your kids’ interests—do they want a general camp or one for sports, arts, academics, or other interests—search for accredited local camps through the American Camp Association (find.acacamps.org) and pick some affordable options. Then call camp directors and ask how they operate, how long they’ve been around, and whether they offer financial aid. Even better, take the kids to visit, if you can.

2. Ask about discounts. While some camps offer financial aid, many more have discounts for early registration, multiple and returning registrations, as well as for getting others to sign up. But as with many potential money-savers, you won’t know unless you ask. Also find out if there are extra fees or expenses (like uniforms, equipment, or field trips), and how refunds work.

3. Get creative. If everything but the price sounds perfect, and discounts aren’t working out, consider a shorter stay—maybe four weeks instead of all summer.

4. Mine your affiliations. If traditional summer camp is out of your budget, being affiliated with certain groups might mean more affordable alternatives. If your kids are members of a scout troop or council, Boy or Girl Scout camps may be only $100 to $300 a week. Some camps allow non-scouts to participate. Don’t overlook church, school, or community camps. And if your kids are on a school or community team, there may be summer training or team-building opportunities.

WHAT YOUR MALL SANTA WON’T TELL YOU

It turns out that Santa has a few requests of his own when it comes to managing this holiday tradition.

1. Some of us get bonuses for making our daily photo quota. So please forgive me if I try to move things along.

2. Never force your screaming kid onto my lap. Just bring him close and give me a few minutes.

3. Want to have more than just a few seconds with me? Skip the mall. Let’s meet at your kid’s preschool or a photo studio that invites Santa in for special portraits.

4. Between October and December, most of us work about 40 ten-hour days and listen to 30,000 children.

5. You’re ruining the fun. I’ve noticed a lot of you have started telling your kids the truth about me a lot younger than you used to. Sometimes you spoil things before your child even asks the question, just because you’re worried he’ll hear it from someone else. Please stop.

6. I’m not an orthodontist, either. Don’t ask me to tell your child why she needs to stop sucking her thumb.

7. As a matter of fact, I did go to school for this. Topics of study: how to hold children, manage sticky conversations, and care for my hair and beard.

8. I don’t have total recall. Don’t come back after a few minutes and ask what your kid requested. Stand close enough to listen.

9. It’s hard not to sweat in our heavy wool suits. To make sure we smell nice, some of us sprinkle baby powder in our beards; others use evergreen-scented colognes and sprays. And we’re always sucking on breath mints.

10. Please take your barely potty-trained two-year-old to the restroom before you get in line. Soil my suit, and it’s coal for you, buster.

11. Those of us with real beards think we’re superior. But the best of the rest of us pay as much as $3,000 to wig makers to make us authentic-looking whiskers.

12. I see you vigorously nodding your head, but even so, I will never, ever promise anything to a child.

13. I’ve been kicked in the shins, hit in the groin, scratched, bitten, and peed on. But there’s a reason I keep doing this year after year: This is the best work I’ve ever found.

Great Advice

TEACH YOUR KIDS THE TRUE VALUE OF “STUFF”

1. Show them money going in, not just out. If your kids only see you with drawing those $20 bills from the ATM, they’re going to think machines hand out money. Make sure they also see you depositing funds.

2. Teach them to set goals and save for them. Label a jar with a set amount of money to be used for something specific. Start small—say, $5 to buy some ice cream and sprinkles. Keep this money separate when you go to the store, so your child can buy the ice cream himself with the cash.

3. Differentiate between wanting and needing. You need shoes, but you want the trendiest brand. Apply this rule to anything you buy and to any of their requests for “stuff.”

4. Make choices, not sacrifices. Instead of saying, “We can’t afford that,” “That’s too expensive,” or just saying no, substitute a comment that expresses an intentional choice. Examples: “I want to stay home and visit state parks this year so we can save for a special vacation next year.” Instead of feeling that “no” means sacrifice, scarcity, or embarrassment, children learn that life is about making choices.

5. Show them you’re planning for the future. In addition to using a change jar to save for special treats, let your kids hear you talk about saving for a new roof, paying off the car, saving for their education, and paying bills on time.

6. Give to others. Along with that jar for ice cream, label another jar for charity. Make sure your children put a fixed percentage of their earnings and allowance in it. Make sure they see you giving to others.

WHAT YOUR DOG ISN’T TELLING YOU

Your best friend would tell you these 13 things if he could.

1. If I have short hair, use a brush, not a comb, to groom my coat. Don’t forget the tail and legs. Use a fine comb through feathery hair on the legs and tail.

2. For a long coat, hold the hair down at the roots so you don’t tug the skin. Just like you, I don’t like it when you yank at the knots. Be patient.

3. Brush and comb me before you try the bath thing. And only bathe me when I’m dirty or need a flea bath. Too much bathing leaves skin dry and flaky.

4. Put a rubber mat in the tub so I don’t slip, please. Use lukewarm water to wet me from head to tail. Shampoo hind legs, tail and rear end, then the body, chest and front legs. After that, carefully wet my head and shampoo. Cover ears and eyes so no lather gets in.

5. Nails are softer after a bath, so that’s the time to trim them if necessary. Don’t cut them down to the “quick,” the pink area inside the nail. That’s living tissue with blood supply and nerves. (And yes, I’ll complain about that.)

6. Reward me for good behavior, rather than punishing me when I do the wrong thing.

7. Be consistent. Apply the same rules at all time, using the same commands and the same rewards.

8. If I have lots of energy and you’re trying to teach me something, let me burn off a bit of that energy in the backyard before going for a walk.

9. Learning to sit is pretty easy. Here’s how to teach us: Face the dog with a treat in your hand and, as the dog trots toward you, hold it over the dog’s head. Keeping the eyes on the treat, the dog will back up and sit down. As they do, say, “Sit!” Reward with the treat.

10. To stop me from jumping up, don’t make eye contact and don’t touch or talk to the dog. If a dog is ignored, he learns that this isn’t the way to get attention and that it’s calm behavior that wins rewards.

11. Keep me calm in a storm. Kathy Diamond Davis, author of Therapy Dogs, has some recommendations: Some dogs like to be cuddled; they may really fear being left alone as it thunders. For other dogs, distraction works. If they’re having fun, they’re less likely to focus on the storm. And lots of background noise can help, so try turning on a fan. If your pet is so frantic that she tries to escape or is destructive, keep her in a crate or other confined space, if that calms her.

12. I like a little background noise while you’re gone. If you leave the radio on, I’ll be a lot happier when you’re out picking up biscuits for me.

13. Having my own safe spot makes me feel better when I’m stressed. A crate is like a cave for me, and I love it. My own little bed is another thing I’m thrilled to have.

Great Advice

DOGGIE TRAINING DOS AND DON’TS

Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, is a canine shrink with an uncanny ability to turn even the most aggressive pooch around. Millan reveals how to bring out the Lassie in your Brutus:

Wake up and walk. Most dogs are wired to be active. When they’re not, pent-up energy leads to whining and chewing. It’s a must to take your dog on a 45-minute walk or run before work. If you can, hire a dog walker for midday. “A dog that’s tired doesn’t bite, dig holes, or bark.”

Touch, but never hit. Don’t be afraid to use touch to tell a dog he’s broken the rules: Millan pulls at the tuft of the neck and gives a gentle nudge—not to hurt the dog, but to surprise and correct.

Be the boss. “Everybody wants to be a dog’s best friend, but dogs don’t follow friends; they follow a leader,” says Millan.

Establish leadership from the get-go: head and shoulders up. “Remember the popular people in high school? They walk in the room and people move—act like that.” Walk ahead going out the door; only let him bound ahead if you give the okay. And be firm. Dogs need consistent structure and routine.

Go to the pros. If your dog bites or is overly aggressive, seek help from a dog trainer.

WHAT YOUR CAT ISN’T TELLING YOU

What really goes on between that furry head and active tail?

1. We don’t generally like to go face to face at first. Nose-to-nose greetings between cats are unusual, as it puts both in a vulnerable position. However, cats who know each other well but have been apart for a while feel safe enough to do this to confirm visual recognition and gain information about how the other cat is, where he has been, and what he has been doing.

2. Purring usually means we are content. But a deep purr can also indicate pain. If you know your cat well you will be able to tell the difference in his demeanor.

3. We learn how to purr quickly. Cats start to purr at one week old and can do so continually as they inhale and exhale.

4. Young cats purr in a monotone, while older ones do so in two to three resonant notes.

5. Scientists still do not know exactly how the purring sound is made—and, of course, we’re not telling. Although some believe that it originates in the cardiovascular system rather than the throat.

6. Like dogs, cats can also get sick or die from eating chocolate.

7. We like to nap rather than sleep but if relaxed enough to enter a deeper sleep, cats produce the same brain wave patterns that humans do when dreaming.

8. We blink and narrow our eyes when we accidentally make eye contact. To make friends with an unfamiliar cat, blink and look away when you catch his eyes.

9. A cat’s pulse is between 160 and 240 beats per minute, depending on the age of the cat (the younger he is, the faster the heartbeat).

10. We don’t understand punishment. Cats must be praised and rewarded for desired behavior instead.

11. Some of us can learn a trick or two, besides coming at the sound of a can opening. Fetch is a favorite of ours, but if you tell the dog, you’re finding a present in your favorite shoe.

12. Giving us a strip of raw meat everyday to chew on will keep our gums and teeth in good condition. Suitable meats include poultry, rabbit, or beef that has been deboned.

13. If your cat appears to be able to tolerate heat very well this is because the ancestors of cats were originally desert-living animals.

Great Advice

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

Some cats happily take medication. Others think you’re out to poison them, so giving them pills requires patience and determination.

To try the easy way, buy pill pockets (available from vets), which many cats love. If that fails, wrap your cat in a towel and sit on the floor with them between your legs. Calmly wrap your dominant hand around the head so your fingers are under the cheekbone. Tip the head back; the lower jaw should slacken. Use your middle finger to ease the jaw down, and place the pill near the back of the tongue. Release the head and stroke the cat’s throat to encourage it to swallow. Watch in case the cat spits the pill out.

Big Advice

LIFE’S 25 TOUGHEST QUESTIONS ANSWERED!

Reader’s Digest’s “Ask Laskas” columnist, Jeanne Marie Laskas, answers what you’ve been wondering about your friends, family, and more.

1. Can love really last a lifetime?

Absolutely—but only if you chuck the fairy tale of living happily ever after. A team of scientists found that romantic love involves chemical changes in the brain that last 12 to 18 months. After that, you and your partner are on your own. Relationships require maintenance. Pay a visit to a nursing home if you want to see proof of lasting love. Recently I spoke to a man whose wife of 60 years was suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s disease. He came to sit with her every day and hold her hand. “She’s been my best friend since high school,” he told me. “We made a promise to stick together.” Now, that’s a love story.

2. Why do married folks begin to look like one another?

Watch any two people who like each other talking, and you’ll see a lot of mirroring. One smiles, and so does the other. One nods or raises her eyebrows, and so does the other. Faces are like melodies with a natural urge to stay in sync. Multiply those movements by several decades of marriage, all those years of simultaneous sagging and drooping, and it’s no wonder!

3. Can a marriage survive betrayal?

Yes. It takes time and work, but experts are pretty unanimous on this one. In her book The Monogamy Myth, Peggy Vaughan estimates that 60 percent of husbands and 40 percent of wives will have an affair at some point in their marriages. That’s no advertisement for straying—but the news is good for couples hoping to recover from devastating breaches of trust. The offended partner needs to make the choice to forgive—and learn to live with a memory that can’t simply be erased. Infidelity is never forgotten, but it can gradually fade into the murky background of a strong, mature marriage.

4. Why does summer zoom by and winter drag on forever?

Because context defines experience. As Albert Einstein once said: “When you are courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder, a second seems like an hour.”

5. Do animals really have a sixth sense?

Or seventh or eighth! A box jellyfish has 24 eyes, an earthworm’s entire body is covered with taste receptors, a cockroach can detect movement 2,000 times the diameter of a hydrogen atom, and your dog’s sense of smell is up to 100,000 times greater than yours (some dogs have been known to smell human cancers). It’s safe to say that animals experience a much different world than we do.

6. Why does the line you’re in always move the slowest?

Because you’re late for your kid’s band practice, and you curse your luck and envy those speeding by. Conversely, when you’re in the fast line, unfettered by stress, you don’t even notice the poor schlubs in the slow lane. Good luck rarely commands one’s attention like bad luck.

7. By what age should you know what you want to do with your life?

Any moment now. This used to be a question the young asked. The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that younger baby boomers abandoned the American ideal of picking a job and sticking with it. Between the ages of 18 and 36, these boomers held an average of 9.6 jobs. That’s a lot of exploration. The wisdom of elders in all cultures seems to be this: There’s nothing to do with a life but live it. As Gandhi pointed out, “Almost anything you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.”

8. Where do traffic jams come from?

Scientists are hard at work on this one, studying computer models of the physics of gridlock and inventing all new traffic-light algorithms. Some of them postulate that the rhythms of automobile traffic are influenced by the same cyclical forces that cause waves in the ocean. For the average commuter, though, it may be helpful to think of it this way: congestion. There are just too many darn people trying to do the same thing at once. (Flush every toilet in a single office building simultaneously, and see what happens.) All of this is a way of saying: Buy a newspaper, load up some favorite tunes on your MP3 player, and take the bus.

9. When is your future behind you?

When you stop chasing dreams. So don’t stop!

10. Do you have to love your job?

No. Love your children, your spouse, and your country. Love your parents, your neighbor, and your dog. Loving is too important an emotion to attach to the way you make a living. But it’s OK to strive for satisfaction. According to a recent Harris Poll, across America 59 percent of workers say they are extremely, somewhat, or slightly satisfied with their jobs, but a depressing 33 percent feel as if they’ve reached a career dead end. If you’re among the latter and thinking about a new job, consider the fact that employees in small firms said they felt more engaged in their work than did their corporate counterparts.

11. Can a man and a woman ever just be friends?

For a short time perhaps. Making the friendship last requires that you find each other at least vaguely repulsive. Good luck!

12. When do you take away Grandpa’s car keys?

Twenty-two states currently require frequent testing for senior drivers. The American Medical Association and the AARP, however, say safe driving has more to do with functional ability than age. True, seniors are more at risk for reduced vision, hearing loss, and impairments associated with arthritis—but all of these conditions depend on the individual. So when it seems to you that Pop is becoming a danger to himself and a danger to others, tell him straight. Point out that his reactions have slowed or his judgment is losing its edge. Suggest he not drive anymore. Be firm, but at the same time, don’t treat him like a child. Allow him his dignity. Offer him a ride.

13. Do siblings who fight really end up liking one another?

I surveyed my older sisters, both of whom have vivid memories of how I tripped, pummeled, and whacked them with various large plastic dolls (hey, they started it—they teased me!), and both confirmed my suspicion that nowadays they like me just fine. I sure like them. All the experts will tell you that fighting among siblings is normal. The key is how parents handle it. Rule number one: Don’t take sides. Never get into a discussion of who started what or what is more fair. Stop fights with a time-out for all offenders. My mother would send us to separate rooms. So we invented string phones and a pulley system to transport necessary treats and toys. And whatever we were fighting about was forgotten.

14. How do you know when to end a friendship?

As soon as you get that sneaking suspicion that it never really began.

15. Why do we turn into our parents when we swore we wouldn’t?

Because really, when all is said and done, we admire them.

16. Can a half-empty person become a half-full person?

A current theory is that people have an “emotional set point.” Some folks are just made happier than others. Pessimists will see this as bad news, believing it really doesn’t matter what you do—they are never going to be any happier. But there is hope—as any optimist will see! Happiness has more to do with how you construe the events in your life than the actual events themselves.

17. When do kids become adults?

Biologically, it’s happening earlier; emotionally, it seems to be happening later. Nowadays puberty occurs in females between ages 8 and 14, between 9 and 15 in males. A generation ago, when you turned 18, you were out the door and on your own. Now we see kids in the Boomerang Generation coming home to Mom and Dad after college, hoping for a hand with bills, laundry, meals, and other responsibilities of adulthood. It’s cute for a while, less adorable the older the kid gets.

18. Can a mother be friends with her teenage daughter?

No. Most teens aren’t ready for anything close to a mature friendship. According to current research, the brain continues to develop into a person’s twenties. Mothers often want to befriend their daughters; fathers, their sons. But this is not in anyone’s best interest. Teenagers need to form identities distinct from their parents. That means: lots of privacy, even some secrets. It’s usually easier for a teenage girl to befriend the friend of her mother, and it’s usually best for the mother to leave it at that.

19. Does money really buy happiness?

No. Because happiness isn’t for sale. Many people get tripped up by this one, amassing wealth only to find themselves cycling into a bottomless pit of insatiable yearning. Turns out, joy and misery are not that far apart when it comes to very big wads of cash. Consider the case of a Kentucky couple who won $34 million in 2000. Thrilled to be released from the demands of their boring old jobs, they frittered their fortune away on fancy cars, mansions, all the usual stuff—losing everything that mattered in the process. They divorced, he died of an alcohol-related illness, and she died alone in her new house just five years after cashing the winning ticket. When it comes to happiness, only people you love, and who love you, can bring it. If you have enough dough to buy yourself a luxurious yacht, but no real friends to sail with, you’re sunk.

20. Can spenders and savers stay married?

Sure—and they won’t run out of things to talk about either. Disagreements over money are a leading cause of divorce, so experts advise lots of work around this issue if, financially speaking, you’ve found yourself married to your opposite. Tip: Always talk in terms of “ours” instead of “mine” or “yours,” and work your strengths. The saver should be allowed to draft the budget; the spender gets to be in charge of vacations, celebrations, and ordering extra toppings on the pizza.

21. Is money the root of all evil?

No. Greed is. Elvis nailed this one when he said, “Sharing money is what gives it its value.”

22. What do you do if you see a parent berating a child?

Cringe. Take a deep breath. If you truly believe you can help the situation, approach as someone showing sympathy—not as an accuser or member of the parent police. Empathize with the overstressed parent. Suggest that he take a deep breath. Tell him it worked for you.

23. Why is it so hard to say you’re wrong?

Because it often involves saying, “I’m sorry,” which is even harder. Throughout history people have found it easier to stop speaking to one another, punch, slander, shoot, and bomb rather than apologize. Tip: Next time just say, “Whoops,” and see what happens.

24. When should you reveal a secret you said you wouldn’t?

It’s a matter of damage control. Is the person who asked you to keep the secret in danger of hurting himself or others? If so, intervene. Otherwise, mum’s the word.

25. Does the toast really always fall buttered-side down?

Scientists in the Ask Laskas Kitchen conducted a study for which they first toasted an entire loaf of bread, one slice at a time. They buttered each slice, and dropped it from a variety of heights ranging from tabletop to ceiling. Among their findings: A dropped piece of toast never lands on its edge; stomping your foot and yelling “Darn!” does not change a thing; and the floor in the Ask Laskas Kitchen is not nearly as clean as we’d like. Well, life’s like that. Never as neat as you’d like it to be. But keep buttering your toast. And savor every slice you’ve been given.