“Don’t try to prove anything.”
—ELISABETH KÜBLER-ROSS
A FEW YEARS AGO, I took my stepdaughter Evie snorkeling for the first time. She was eight, and though she’d put a face mask on before, she’d never had a chance to look below the waves in an area that was really populated with sea life. We were in the Bahamas, floating in the water by what looked like a pretty humdrum chunk of rock. Evie pushed and fumbled at her mask, getting the water out of it and blowing through her snorkel so she could breathe. When she was finally comfortable with her equipment, she lowered her head beneath the water.
Kaboom. The reef was swarming with fish—parrot fish, triggerfish, and swarms of little black-and-yellow sergeant majors that were all around her, investigating her completely without her knowledge. I’ll never forget the look in her eyes when she brought her head back out of the water and the uncontrollable smile that formed around the snorkel in her mouth. She had thought she was just bobbing about by a barren rock, when in fact she had been immersed in a whole other universe of color and light and life.
Imagine: the world, changed in an instant from a place of fear and uncertainty and emptiness to a place of wonder and beauty and overwhelming numbers of beings, invisible but present all the same.
Imagine a helmet like the ones old-fashioned divers used to wear: one that covers the entire head like a fishbowl. Then imagine that this helmet is made of a magical, glass-like substance, one so thin and unobtrusive that it lets just about everything through. It never gets dirty, never gets wet, and is absolutely transparent to light and penetrable by air. Essentially, it’s as if this helmet isn’t there at all.
Except it is. And the one thing this helmet blocks out—the one thing it keeps the person wearing it from experiencing—is the spiritual world. Everything else gets past these helmets. But that one thing—that singular, all-important part of the world, without which the world isn’t really the full, complete world at all, but only half of it—doesn’t make it through.
Sometimes, if the light and the circumstances are just right, you can catch a glimpse of the helmets on the heads of other people as they pass by you in the street. Sometimes the helmets other people wear are so obvious—so completely visible—that it seems laughable that they themselves could fail to notice that they’re wearing them. But then, just as often, most of us fail to notice that we ourselves are wearing one.
What kind of a world do we see when looking through these magical, spirit-filtering helmets? We see a world in which the earth is just the earth, where good things and bad things happen, where there is happiness and sorrow, where people are born and people die. Yet somehow, none of this seems to mean all that much. We see a world in which everything is relative and essentially insignificant, but complaining about this fact, or even bringing it up, seems silly.
Along with having no real purpose, the world seen through the glass of this helmet has no real justice either. Some people do “good” things, and others do “bad” things, but these are really just words we have cooked up to try to make sense of things that we actually can’t make any sense of. Bad people often do very well in this strange, pointless world, while nice ones have to bear up under all manner of pressures and struggles.
One of the strangest things about these helmets is that, even when we become aware that we’re wearing them, we can’t simply take them off. They can’t be wrenched off with our arms or shattered with a sledgehammer. They are extremely stubborn, extremely resilient.
At least, they are most of the time. But sometimes moments come along when these helmets seem to disappear all by themselves, with no effort on our part at all. Suddenly they are just . . . gone. In moments like this, we find ourselves looking around at the world as if we’d never seen it before.
Those moments are what this book is about.
For ten years I worked at a magazine called Angels on Earth, the sister publication of Guideposts, a magazine featuring inspirational stories that was founded in 1949 by Norman Vincent Peale. A product spawned by the modern boom in interest in angels, Angels on Earth tells stories of actual angelic encounters and (because believable versions of these are not exactly a dime a dozen) stories of ordinary, everyday people who act in an angelic fashion. I quickly took to my work there and was fascinated to see just how little I knew about the lore of angels—how many there are, how few are actually mentioned in the Old or New Testaments, and how much thought the truly great minds of philosophy and religion have devoted to them.
Early on at the magazine, while casting about for good subjects for stories, I encountered a book called My Descent into Death by a painter, art instructor, and vocal nonbeliever named Howard Storm. While on a vacation in Paris with his wife, Storm suffered a perforated duodenum that nearly killed him. Lying in his hospital bed, he suddenly found himself feeling light, vital, and better than he could recall feeling in a long, long time, if ever.
Storm got to his feet, and—like many an NDE-er before him—was shocked to see a wizened, pathetic figure lying in the bed he’d just gotten up from: a figure that, he was dumbfounded to realize, was himself (or rather, his physical body). Storm then noticed voices out in the hall, gently beckoning him to follow. Wandering into the hall, Storm found himself surrounded by strange, small creatures. At first they seemed friendly, but gradually Storm realized they weren’t. The beings began to mock him, prod him, and even bite him. Scared out of his wits, Storm cried out for help to a God whom, up to then, he had never addressed, formally or otherwise, because he’d had no belief in him.
His prayer was immediately answered. Storm found himself rising up into a world of light, life, beauty, and a love so overpowering that it blasted the old, unbelieving Storm to pieces. Love, Storm discovered, was not the gooey sentiment, the pretty, empty thing that he had thought it was. Instead, it turned out that this most ephemeral of subjects was the real material—the real substantia (Latin, “that which stands beneath”)—that is the true foundation of everything in our world. It is the genuine stuff that this world is made of, the single absolutely irreducible source of all that we see and feel and think and are. There is nothing it cannot stand up to, because there is nothing more elemental than it is. Ironically enough, it is the real, ultimate, unbreakable atom that the scientists of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries were looking for with such confidence and enthusiasm. Love, that flimsy sentiment, turned out to be the one substance that they could not burn or crush or flay or otherwise defile. In a world where everything could be caught, held down, and examined by science, love was the one substance that was not to be so treated—the one thing that always got away.
When Storm recovered from his ordeal he was so different from the intelligent but crotchety and embittered man he’d been before that for his wife it was as if he had been replaced by another person. And, in a sense, he had been.
But what interested me most in Storm’s book was a short and rather comical scene that occurred when he was back in America. Storm, still in very rickety shape, decided he wanted to attend church. With essentially no experience of this practice, he picked one from the directory in his local newspaper. Storm writes:
I picked one based on the information that it met in a public school. This indicated to me that this church was not materialistic, since it didn’t own property. God would surely be present in a nonmaterialistic church.
On Sunday morning, with much effort, I got cleaned up and dressed in suit and tie and off we went to a church fifteen miles away.
Storm arrived to find that, to his great disappointment, the church was closed for the summer. But not long afterward, Storm’s friend told him of a church just a mile from his home that might fit the bill. The following Sunday, Storm, still in very poor shape, arrived at the church. He walked up the steps, leaning heavily on his wife.
What a pitiful sight I must have been to the greeters at the door of the church. Emaciated, jaundiced skin, yellow eyes, leaning on my wife, dragging my feet up the steps.
The worship had just begun with the congregation singing the opening hymn when we entered the sanctuary. A few feet inside, I saw on the ceiling of the church hundreds of angels basking in praise of God. They were a golden color and radiated golden light around them. The unexpected sight of the angels unleashed powerful emotions of awe of God from inside me. I did the only thing I could do in that circumstance, which was to throw myself down on the floor. Prostrate on the carpeted aisle, I thanked God and praised God profusely.
Regrettably, we were not in a Pentecostal church, where this might have been acceptable behavior. My wife bent over me, concerned that I had collapsed. The ushers rushed to her aid, asking if they should call an ambulance. Then my wife realized that I was in religious ecstasy and became furious with me because of the commotion I was creating in the back of the church. She was yelling in my ear, “Get up! Get up! We will never come to church again!”
I originally read Storm’s book in its first edition by Floris Books, before Anne Rice discovered it and helped it become a best seller, and I like to think his appearance in Angels on Earth got his name out to a few more readers. When I interviewed Storm for Angels on Earth, he struck me as completely earnest but curiously subdued—curiously quiet. There did not seem to be much in the way of ego at work in him.
I felt the same way when I spoke to Natalie Sudman, an employee of the Army Corps of Engineers in Basra and Nasiriyah in Iraq. Natalie was blown up by a roadside bomb while riding in a military vehicle. Sudman was severely injured in the blast—so severely that, reading her book Application of Impossible Things, I couldn’t help but be impressed that someone who had suffered such terrifying, brutal physical pain could speak not only with forgiveness but also with genuine gratitude for her experience.
The blast immediately transferred Sudman into what she called the “blink environment,” so named because everything that happened did so within the time it takes an eye to blink. In other words, the blast exploded Sudman not only out of her body, but also out of ordinary, linear time as we experience it on earth.
How do you describe what it’s like to be outside time? You can’t, but that doesn’t stop Sudman from taking her best shot at it all the same. Immediately upon leaving her body, Sudman found herself speaking with a vast crowd of beings—beings whom she somehow recognized even though she had never, to her knowledge, given a thought to the existence of dimensions outside time, much less the possibility of beings who could live there. For Sudman, the world changed in an instant. You could call it the “instant of the angel.”
The details in both Storm’s and Sudman’s books are fascinating, but what makes me mention them here is not their fantastic stories, but simply the way these two people sounded when I talked to them. Both these people had remarked straight-out in their books that they had conversed with what we can legitimately call angels. And doing so, I couldn’t help but feel, had unplugged something in them: that urgent desire to matter on an earthly level that both I, and most of the people I know, spend so much of our time worrying about. Sudman, in particular, simply did not seem interested in fame, attention, or what people thought of her. How could such a thing be?
Here, from French reporter Pierre Jovanovic’s remarkable book An Inquiry into the Existence of Guardian Angels, is an example of an angelophany all the more believable for the unusual nature of the specifics that surrounded it. It is told by a man who as a youth had been in the Yugoslav army in 1956.
One afternoon following a very long march . . . I grew dizzy, my chest tightened and my legs grew heavy. I couldn’t walk. They had to take me on a stretcher to the barracks, where the doctor auscultated me and rushed me to the Domzale military hospital in Ljubljana. There the doctors diagnosed a heart fibrillation. I was in critical condition. I remember a sinister emergency room which I shared with an old colonel in no better shape than I was. Despite the tons of medicine they made me swallow, I felt no better; on the contrary. After a month in the hospital I felt myself weakening faster and faster. One night I opened my eyes suddenly, and to my great surprise two sublime girls stood before me in almost sparkling white robes. Before I go on, I should specify that these were not hospital nurses. Nurses in Yugoslavian hospitals, and military hospitals especially, bore no resemblance to models. . . . [The girls] seemed to exist in a kind of fog, and I don’t know how to explain that. But at the same time I could distinguish them clearly. So I wanted to see them closer up. . . . And inexplicably I had the feeling that strength was invading me, enough for me to rise out of the bed and approach them. . . . But once I was on my feet, I saw no one in the room. That lasted no more than ten or fifteen seconds. I didn’t understand all this too well, and thirty-seven years later I still think about it often. The fact remains that my health started to improve, and a month and a half later I left the hospital. During the last days I remember surprising two doctors who were murmuring together, saying, “Tough luck for this boy. So young, and he hasn’t long to live.” And indeed I’ve had some cardiac problems since because of my feeble constitution. But I’ve survived, and I tell myself that if they are what I will meet after death, I have nothing to fear.
One of the things I like about this story is precisely the detail that would make many a reader suspicious of it. The soldier telling the tale hardly makes a secret of the first thing he noticed about the two angels who came to visit him: they were cute. Had he met them under different circumstances, he might have asked one of them out.
That’s what’s so great. This man, likable as he is in his tough way, is not the sort to believe in angels. He has seen something, we can believe, of the pain of the world, and he is most decidedly a realist. Therefore, when he tells us of the strange realness of these women who visited him, we are inclined to believe him. Angels were clearly not the first thing on this man’s mind as he lay in that grim Yugoslav hospital. Yet they are what he saw.
These are the voices I like. They are, precisely, voices that are not naive. And when someone who is not naive, who knows very, very well that this world is not a land of sweetness and sunshine, encounters an angel, it’s hard not to be impressed. When someone who is the last person in the world to think he’s going to see something sees it anyhow, it delivers a certain kind of satisfaction that few other kinds of stories can give.
It’s precisely because he is not the “angel type” that this soldier’s story is so interesting—if we are ready to let down our guard and actually pay attention to what he is saying. And if we are truly interested in the question of whether or not angels exist, that is exactly what we have to do.
Right here, in our world of arguments and violence, where no one agrees with anyone, and the clutter and noise of that disagreement drives all of us ever deeper into distraction and despair, there exists the possibility of an encounter that flattens all of that instantly, that makes all the dead, dull, gray, picayune bickering between believers of one sort and believers of another sort, and between believers and nonbelievers, blow away like so much straw.
I had the same kind of reaction when I was introduced, by phone, to Tyler Beddoes, a young Utah police officer who, while quite different in character from the Yugoslav soldier, was also a wonderfully unlikely individual to have an angelic experience. Tyler did not see an angel, much less two angels, in white robes. In fact, he didn’t even see an angel at all. But he heard one, and if I had still worked at Angels on Earth when I heard his story, I would have gone over to the office of Colleen Hughes, the editor in chief of Angels, and told her about it. Tyler’s story, the minute I heard it, brought me back to the kind of zone I would fall into when working on a really good Angels on Earth story: I would get this funny feeling of surprise that somehow or other, my life had led me to this place where I had the opportunity to talk to person after person who had had a brush with the miraculous. Colleen emailed me the story about Tyler early one morning, right after it broke, and I was still thinking of it later in the day when I got a call from an agent I knew, asking if I’d like to do a book on it.
I didn’t have to think very long.
The closest I myself have come to seeing an angel happened on September 11, 2001. I was in New York City, standing on the corner of Fifth Avenue and Twelfth Street, looking up at Tower One of the World Trade Center, when it essentially seemed to liquefy and collapse. (Tower Two, of course, fell first, but I had not seen it fall, and with all the dust in the air, I thought it was still standing. And after all, who on earth would ever dream that one of those towers would fall to begin with?)
Why was that moment the closest I have come to seeing an angel? Because that moment did for me what many an encounter with an angel has done for other people. It showed me in a single instant that the world is not the solid, substantial place I had been taught to think it was, but a much more precarious one. A world made, in essence, out of ash. If the solid world is that un-solid, that ephemeral, what hope is there?
Once you see just how unbearably, terrifyingly unstable the physical world really is, you are ready, you are open to discover its deeper architecture.
The physical world is the definition of insubstantiality. To discover that, get sick. To discover that, pick up the phone and find out that someone you love has been in an automobile accident, or a plane crash, or a school shooting. Today the scientific search for the solid is at an end. There is nothing solid, nothing enduring, nothing that’s going to stick around. Nothing lasts, nothing remains. All is sand. You can’t count on anything. You can’t lean on anything.
That is the origin of the wonderful solidity of the angel. The angel is an introduction to the fact that where the solid world we thought we lived in ends, another world begins. Just at that moment when there is nothing, or worse than nothing, a new world reveals itself out of the mist and settling dust of the old one. Just as the last pillar of the old world falls, the dim outlines of the new world appear. This new world is an actual world. It is not a world of phantoms and ghosts, but a world of reality and truth and the most solid, enduring architecture we can imagine.
The world seems to cheat us by teaching us to love people or animals and then taking them away. Lean on the world, and the world will break. That was brought home to me that day when I saw Tower One fall. I had the tremendous privilege of seeing what I had thought of as the epitome of solidity reveal itself as . . . nothing. When that tower fell before my eyes, it fell with the shocking swiftness of a curtain dropping. And beyond that curtain was the true, naked reality of what kind of place the world really is.
But the story doesn’t end there. One overcast evening the following September, I was walking my dog in the same Greenwich Village neighborhood I’d been in when I’d seen Tower One fall. To memorialize the World Trade Center buildings and the people who had died in them, two extremely powerful lights had been set up at the spot where the towers had stood: lights so powerful that, shining straight up into the night, they punctured easily through the layers of cloud covering the city.
The vision of those powerful lights punching up through the ascending levels of cloud cover created a strange effect. It was as if the beams of light were revealing level after level of the inside of a vast, multistoried building, one with complex goings-on within each floor, and floor after floor stretching far up into the sky. The heavens were showing themselves to be what Jacob saw on the night of his dream in Genesis: a structure of many stories, with beings moving constantly up and down them.
This, in essence, is the two-part education that angels give us. They demonstrate that the world we think we live in—the world of refrigerators and automobiles and school lunches and jobs and retirement parties—is nothing more than an evanescent cloud: a bunch of nothing that looks like something but really isn’t. But beyond that world of nothing-that-looks-like-something, there is a world where exactly the opposite is the case: a world that (from our blinkered perspective) doesn’t seem to exist at all, but where the true solidity we so crave is really to be found.
Angels tell us that behind the illusory world of the everyday, there lurks not simply nothing, not a terrible aching void, such as the one that so many people of unsure faith today struggle so hard not to think about, but another, deeper architecture. That realm of deeper architecture is where the angel comes from and where it returns when it is done visiting us. This, and no other, is the real and lasting world.
“From a certain point on,” the enigmatic writer Franz Kafka famously wrote, “there is no more turning back. That is the point that must be reached.”
That point, that definitive, all-changing moment, is the subject of this book.