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Talking with Teachers

When your child is struggling, particularly if those struggles are manifesting as behavior problems, it’s easy to develop an adversarial relationship with her teachers. Here are some suggestions:

• Communicate: Be in touch with your child’s teacher when things are going well, not just when there are difficulties. Say thank you, share stories, be friendly. Fill him or her in on what’s happening with your child without embarrassment. A teacher can only support your kid if he or she knows what is going on.
• Cultivate a partnership: If something is working at home, let your child’s teacher know. Most will be happy to integrate your tools into the classroom, but (and this is an important but) make sure that when you talk with a teacher you do so in a considerate way. Assume that the teacher has expertise that is valuable. Don’t suggest that you know best—remember that this person is a professional and a human being capable of feeling threatened and defensive. Rather, say that you know your child best, and that you need the teacher’s help to meet your child’s needs. A great way to show the teacher that you respect him or her is to ask for his or her suggestions and whether there is anything that he or she is working on in the classroom that you can support in your home. Focus on creating a consistent and predictable environment for your child.
• Introduce one idea at a time: Teachers are busy. They are usually overworked and trying to do many things at once. If you come to them with a whole big program for your kid, they might feel too overwhelmed (and maybe a little insulted) to integrate any of it. Be clear, specific, and simple with your requests.
• Try not to internalize your child’s challenges: Blaming yourself won’t help. Don’t be embarrassed to show emotion in front of a teacher, and try to recognize that by acknowledging your child’s challenges the teacher is not blaming you or judging you. Emotional conversations can easily make both parties defensive—try to recognize the difference between defensiveness and advocating for your child.
• Involve the school counselor: School counselors have so much to offer—advice, resources, mediation, and support. Take advantage of this and include them in your conversations with your child’s teacher early on in your relationship. If you are struggling in your relationship with a teacher, the counselor can be a great source of advice.
• Involve your child: It can be very powerful to include your child in the conversations with her teacher. This empowering step allows your child to feel invested in the plan of action. It also allows you an opportunity to facilitate greater understanding between your child and the teacher.