chapter 10
Parenthood is a beautiful, challenging, exciting, frustrating, mind-boggling journey. So is childhood! As you and your child work together, compassion is the most important place to return to when things get hard: compassion for yourself, and compassion for your child. A yoga practice of your own can be a tremendous tool in this work of parenting, and it will be an anchor in surprising and inspiring ways.
The following contribution was written by a LFY student named Kate Gilbane. Kate is a parent of three children, one of whom struggles with ADHD and dyslexia. Her exact experience is unique, but the impact of her practice on her parenting is a recurring truth that I have heard many times from parents of children with and without specific challenges. Her contribution here of ten guidelines for compassionate parenting is a gift for any parent, and each idea incorporated into your life and the life of your family will bring you greater peace and improved relationships.
Practice Yoga, Parent Better
“Chandler… Chandler!… CHANDLER!!” I ask Chandler to climb down off the back of the couch, which she uses as a balance beam. I ask her where she left her shoes (for the umpteenth time) and she stares blankly back at me. I watch her get out of the car and completely forget to close the door behind her. I walk into her bedroom and see clothes strewn all over the floor, clothes that haven’t even been worn. I ask her over and over again to put on her coat and backpack so we can leave for school. I watch her agonize over a simple homework assignment or a handwritten thank-you note. I see how incessantly she moves her body—squirming, jerking, bouncing, tapping her foot—in an effort to concentrate on reading or fine-motor skills. I observe as she gets up from the table four or five times during a meal, unable to remain seated. I watch her hopeful insistence turn to fury upon being told she may not do exactly what she wants to do (like having a lemonade stand or launching an online jewelry-making business) right this very instant. I try desperately to remain calm while she melts down in a maelstrom of emotions (“big, messy feelings”), collapsing on the floor, kicking and screaming, or even trying to hit me.
I went to my first yoga class about twelve years ago. I felt something I’d never felt before: A sense of balance, lightness, and ease in my body. I felt peaceful, calm, and yet highly aware. It’s the first time that I can actually remember listening and responding to my body. By showing up for class, I was allowing myself to receive the benefits of yoga’s healing powers. I went back to class as often as I could. Now yoga inspires everything I do every single day—especially the way I parent.
Parenting can be an incredible balance between utter frustration/despair and profound joy/gratitude. Yoga has taught me how to ride that emotional roller coaster without falling off. Yoga is always there for me with the same basic tools I need to stay grounded. It has made the “downs” of the parenting ride much more manageable and the highs, because I am fully present for them, more thrilling. In yoga, they say, “Do your practice and the rest will follow.” I say, “Do your practice and better parenting will follow.”
Chaos has always been my biggest trigger. Growing up as the oldest of five children, I was highly sensitive to the constant chaos around me and felt a need to control and “perfect” things in order to save my family. Over time and practice, yoga has taught me to let go. Letting go is still a conscious effort for me, rather than something that comes naturally or easily. The more I practice yoga, the more relaxed I feel. The less I practice, the more I tend to slip into anxious, neurotic behavior. Jenn Harper once clarified in a Little Flower Yoga training that the goal of the teacher is not to control the class but to loosen her grip enough to allow each child to have his or her own experience.
The same principle obviously applies in parenting. The more I can loosen my grip as a mom, the more space I can hold for my three children to emerge as individuals, to experience the life they are here to experience, to be who they are. I see myself getting in their way when grasping for perfection and order. I see what a hindrance that assertion of control is to their mental, emotional, and spiritual development. I see the beauty that unfolds when I become more of a loving witness. Yoga helps me allow it.
My husband and I call our lowest moments “breakdowns for breakthroughs” and, honestly, I don’t think you can have the latter without the former. When I’m really struggling as a parent, I remind myself that I must contract sometimes in order to then expand. When I get angry, I remind myself that anger is an impetus for change. If I find myself angry about something, I need to look very closely and figure out what type of change would turn that situation around. When I am challenged in any way as a parent or otherwise, a yoga class always helps me diffuse the emotional charge and re-find my way by providing comfort, reassurance, and connection to my true self, where there are always ideas, resources, and better perspectives.
Greater self-awareness around my own parenting is one of the benefits of my yoga practice. Because of yoga, I am decidedly self-reflective. I pay more attention to what I do, what I say, how I say it, and so on. Yoga helps clear the clutter from my head so I can witness my own behavior with clarity and be honest with myself about when, where, and how I want to make changes/improvements. Yoga has taught me to ask questions like, “What does my parenting look like? What kind of parent am I striving to become?” Yoga shows me how tremendous progress can be made by taking baby steps—on the mat or in my daily life—as I move closer to my goals. Maybe it’s a more enthusiastic and physically affectionate way of greeting my daughter in the morning (despite being up all night with her newborn baby brother) or maybe it’s the way I take ever deeper breaths when I’m upside down in wheel pose—both practices help open my heart and bring me a little closer to samadhi (bliss).
Yoga philosophy inspires my most meaningful parenting ideals—to be honest (with my children), to be generous (with my children), to be loving and kind and never violent (toward my children), to be devoted to a higher power (all of us). And the more I talk to my kids about this stuff, the more available they are for it. It’s so natural for them and yet we need to offer them the opportunity to see it in action, ask questions about it, take ownership of what resonates for them. I know my kids want desperately to be heard, and when I come back from yoga class I am always a better listener. I can also draw on that feeling by simply setting the intention and using my breath to center myself and become available. I am certain that the more I actually listen to my kids, the more love they feel from me.
Patience, flexibility, finding a sense of calm no matter what is happening around me (or if that doesn’t work, then leaving the room for a few minutes!), the ability to turn struggle into meditation or an intense breathing exercise, the ability to reconnect with the flow of my own life (like the flow of a class) rather than resisting it, focusing on gratitude rather than the negative—these are the types of life skills that have transformed and empowered my parenting. The surrender changes everything—in a difficult pose on my mat or in the kitchen at 5 p.m. when my kids are hungry, exhausted, and pushing all my buttons. When I can step back and see what’s really happening when things get messy, call it something (“meltdown hour”), and not take it personally, I can continue to move through it and accomplish what needs to be accomplished (without losing my temper.) From 5 to 6 p.m. may not be my favorite time of day, but when I take the presumptuous dread and judgment out of it, I may be surprised. Who knows? If nothing else, it feels really good to handle this time without resistance, the way I intended to handle it—to be calm, cool, and collected. I can’t do it every time, but thanks to my yoga practice, my track record’s getting a lot better. This is my yoga practice.
Last spring, my oldest child was diagnosed with mild ADHD and mild dyslexia. As I began to acknowledge all the implications of that, I relied even more heavily on my yoga practice to remind me that this was all going to work out just fine. Today, I cannot imagine myself as a parent or a kids’ yoga teacher (in training) without this invaluable experience. What better way for me to become more skillful at engaging with and appreciating a child who struggles with self-regulation and focus than to parent one? My daughter has taught me to let go in ways that I never imagined possible and to see the beauty in something that our society still insists on deeming unruly and inappropriate. It’s not always easy for me to hold space for my daughter, but yoga always helps me step back and see that she’s teaching me exactly what I need to know to be a really good parent/teacher. As I find myself saying to Chandler things like, “While it may be frustrating to feel like your body is restless and out of control sometimes, you’d never want to trade that incredible amount of energy that runs through you. Think about all the amazing things you can do with that energy. It’s enviable!” I am able to convince myself and her, at the same time, that it is truly a gift.
A Guide to Compassionate Parenting
One of my favorite quotes from a training with Jenn is: “Life will teach our kids that life isn’t fair. We need to show them that when life’s not fair, we’re on their side.” With this in mind, here are some guidelines for compassionate parenting that have helped me navigate this challenging journey.
Meet your own basic needs for healthy food, water, sleep, and exercise. Sleep is huge. If I am tired, my whole day is a struggle—which is okay once in a while but not on a regular basis. Think of it as one of your primary responsibilities to your children to get the amount of rest you need to be patient and energetic.
Talk to your kids about your own self-care/spiritual practice (yoga, massage, workouts, reading, educational classes, etc.). Show them how you carve out time for it and how much it enhances your life when you do.
Get yourself and your kids outdoors. As difficult as it is to get three young children dressed in winter gear and out the door, that fresh air and change of scene (which hopefully incorporates nature) seems to be one of the most reliable mood enhancers.
When you need a break, give yourself a time-out. Removing yourself from the emotionally charged environment can often help you re-center and get back on track. Take a few deep breaths, reinstate your parenting intention, and come back to the situation with a fresh sense of purpose.
When your children are angry or otherwise upset, encourage them to practice a physical/emotional release, like stomping or punching out their angry feelings. Give them permission to cry and let their big, messy emotions come spilling out. Let them go to their rooms and use loud, abrasive, inflammatory language, as long as no one can hear them. Let them scribble on a big piece of paper or blackboard to “show” how angry they are. Or hold up a big sofa cushion so they can hit it. I have my daughter lie down on the floor in the playroom when she’s furious and put her legs up in the air. I throw a bean bag chair toward her and she catches it with her feet and pushes it back toward me with all her might. This really works to diffuse anger for both of us.
Do what you say you’re going to do. Be as reliable and consistent as possible, and when you aren’t, then acknowledge it. Your kids need to be able to trust you to be real with them, to tell the truth, and to admit it when you mess up. Try to ensure that nannies, babysitters, and other caregivers do the same.
Focus on the positive and encourage your kids to do the same (not when they’re upset, however). Have a simple gratitude/self-reflection practice. My kids love to “talk about their day” at bedtime. It’s such a nice way to review what happened, the highlights, the teachable moments, the important people, and to set goals, and so on. We keep a whiteboard in the kitchen to record all the acts of kindness/helpfulness that happen at home. It’s the “Good Stuff” list and the kids love it!
Try not to rush your kids. Being in a hurry creates so many problems. Mindfulness goes right out the window. On the flip side, when you have time to spare because you’re early or you’ve scheduled in “unscheduled time” to just be, kids are so happy and relaxed. It’s like when you make the effort to really listen—amazing things can happen.
Acknowledge that, much of the time, kids don’t know how to act. Be compassionate about that and make thoughtful decisions about how to respond. Maybe they need to be left alone, or maybe they need some guidance. Make sure you don’t call attention to negative behavior, unless it’s necessary. When kids are embarrassed or uncomfortable, they may act uncharacteristically, but don’t make it worse for them by shaming them. It’s highly counterproductive.
When you have important things to discuss with your kids, carve out an appropriate time and place to do so. Give them the benefit of being well rested and in a good mood so that they can respond optimally. Think about how you would feel in their shoes. Who wants to discuss anything when they’re frustrated or otherwise emotionally charged? Wait until your kids feel good and their ability to reason and empathize will be there.
—Kate Gilbane
If it is at all possible, get yourself to a yoga class of your own, even if it’s only once in a while. In addition, do everything you can to create small moments for yourself to take full breaths, notice how you are feeling, and make mindful decisions. All of the activities in this book will support your own well-being, not just your child’s.
There are many different styles of yoga, and not all of them are a good fit for every person. When you are looking for a class for yourself, make sure to stay open-minded, and if one class or one teacher doesn’t feel like a good fit, try another until you find one that makes you feel supported, accepted, challenged, relaxed, and happy. During class, follow the guidelines that you follow with your child: Don’t feel pressured to do anything that doesn’t feel right, take breaks when you need them, remember that you are more important than the yoga, and take care of yourself without embarrassment or shame. Ask questions when you need to, and stick around for savasana.
When your child is struggling with emotional regulation and poor attention skills, it’s almost a certainty that your home life will be filled with challenging behavior that is up to you to manage. Dealing with frustrating behavior, setting boundaries, and helping your child develop his capacity for inner discipline is not necessarily a talent that blossomed in you at his birth. Dealing compassionately and effectively with difficult behavior is a skill that you can learn, practice, and improve.
The single most relevant truth that I have embraced when dealing with negative behavior (in both children and adults) is to remember that, for the most part, when people feel good, they act good, and when people feel bad (particularly when they feel bad about themselves), their behavior reliably gets worse. When your child makes you angry, frustrated, or terrified, and you are about to speak to them, ask yourself if what you are about to say is going to make them feel better or worse. If what’s about to come out of your mouth is going to make your child feel worse, you can be pretty sure that their behavior isn’t going to improve anytime soon. Take a minute, take a breath, and think of something, anything, you can say to help your child feel better in that moment. What might make him feel better? Knowing that you are on his side! If your child knows that you are on his side, no matter what happens, then he knows that he is safe. He knows that he is loved, and whatever needs to come next (a conversation, a consequence, a negotiation, a confession) becomes a little less scary, a little more comprehensible, and a lot more effective. You might even try waking up each morning and thinking to yourself, What can I do or say in the next hour or two that will make my child feel good about himself? See if that preemptive action helps set you up for a better day.
Of course, no matter how hard you work at making your child feel good, there will be daily challenges to address. There are lots of resources out there that offer strategies and suggestions, many of them listed in the Recommended Reading section that follows, but the three books that I recommend you take a look at first are:
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla Kabat-Zinn and Jon Kabat-Zinn
As you read this book, the books recommended above, and whatever other advice you seek out, remember that every child is unique, and the relationship between you and your child is one that nobody else can fully understand. If suggestions go against your instincts and something doesn’t feel right, really roll it around in your mind before you decide if you will give it a try. Make sure that your actions are authentically motivated, and be confident in your ability to love fully. Shake off any pressure, doubt, and fear keeping you from fully enjoying the short time that your child will be a kid. Trust yourself. Your child needs you. You need your child.