chapter 5

Breathe

Let’s begin this chapter by trying a short experiment. Find a comfortable place to sit where you won’t be disturbed or distracted for a few minutes. Set up an alarm to sound in one minute, and for that minute close your eyes and breathe in and out through your mouth. Notice any feelings that come up for you either in your body or in your emotional state. When the alarm goes off, open your eyes, remember how you felt, and set the alarm again. Now, for one minute, breathe in and out through your nose. Notice how this makes you feel, and note any differences between these two experiences.

How did you feel? Did you notice a big difference? When I do this experiment with a group of people, I generally get responses like:

“I felt so uncomfortable breathing through my mouth.”

“When I breathed through my mouth I wanted to open my eyes.”

“Breathing through my mouth felt hard, like I couldn’t do it right.”

“Breathing through my nose felt soothing.”

“I felt much calmer breathing through my nose.”

What was your experience? Would you ever have imagined that just one minute of changing your breath would make such a tremendous difference in your physical and emotional well-being? In yoga, the breath is considered our most powerful tool for directly impacting our energetic and emotional state. In Sanskrit, the traditional language of yoga, the word for “breath” is “prana,” which is the same as the word for “energy.” When we want to change our physical or emotional energy, changing the way we are breathing is the most effective way to do it.

Why Does Your Breath Matter?

In order to make sense of why our breath has such a big impact on us, it’s helpful to understand a little bit about the involuntary actions of our nervous systems. Our bodies are in many ways governed by two different masters: the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic system regulates our normal metabolic functions—things like digestion, healing, and growth. When our parasympathetic system is dominant, our bodies can function optimally, and for children this means that they can grow and develop in a healthy way. When our parasympathetic system is in charge, we breathe in and out through our noses. This is the healthiest way for our bodies to breathe, as the air coming in is warmed and filtered.

The sympathetic nervous system is what we generally think of as our fight, flight, or freeze mode. It’s the part of us that takes control when we feel threatened or fearful (it’s one of the great tools of the Protective Brain, which we discuss in chapter 1). When the sympathetic nervous system is in charge, all of our normal metabolic functions are put on hold, we experience a flood of adrenaline into our bodies, and our energy is diverted to physical strength and increased alertness so that we can run or fight. When the sympathetic nervous system is activated, we breathe in and out through our mouths in order to take in the most oxygen as quickly as possible.

In an ideal world, our sympathetic nervous system would only be activated when there was a genuine threat to our safety. Most of the time, we would be using our energy to stay healthy, digest our food, process toxins from our body, and grow. The problem is that for many people, both adults and children, the sympathetic nervous system gets stuck in the on position even when there is no genuine threat. This can happen for many different reasons. Too much sensory stimulation (including bright lights and loud noises, which are very common in urban environments), chronic stress, previous trauma, and persistent anxiety can all contribute to a situation whereby our bodies feel that they need to be on high alert on a regular basis.

When that happens, we end up with all sorts of problems, from stomachaches to compromised immune function and, in extreme cases, even delayed growth. When our sympathetic nervous system is overactivated, it also makes it very challenging to stay focused. Usually, when we need to focus on something, our mind helps by adjusting to and filtering out irrelevant stimuli, but when our sympathetic nervous system is in charge, every noise, sight, and smell represents a potential danger that has to be evaluated. Our decision making is also impacted, as we are in a state of high reactivity, where the body responds to input and impulses quickly and defensively.

With this understanding of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, we can make more sense of why our breath has such a strong effect on how we feel. When the parasympathetic nervous system is in control, we breathe through our nose. When the sympathetic nervous system is in control, we breathe through our mouth. What is remarkable is that the reverse is also true. When you breathe through your mouth, you send a signal to your body that it needs to be ready for something, and the sympathetic nervous system starts to take control. When you breathe through your nose, you are telling your body that everything is okay. The parasympathetic system can take over. You can heal, digest, learn, and grow.

What this means is that if breathing through your nose becomes a habit, and you deliberately breathe through your nose in times of challenge, you can actually begin to change the response of your nervous system and override your body’s fight-flight-or-freeze response. Of course, breathing through your nose when your body is reacting to stress, anxiety, or fear is not always easy. Learning to notice your breathing, and then make the effort to change it, is a skill that can be practiced. By teaching our children that they are the masters of their breath, we can help them shift their way of interacting with their own emotions and with the world around them.

Bringing Energy Up and Down

Your breath also has a powerful ability to help you manage your energy level. The quality of your breath—the pacing, the depth, the ratio of your inhale to exhale—can be used intentionally and effectively to help both you and your child get energized or calm down. The practices in this section will give you options for both, but the healthiest default state of breath for your child is to breathe slowly through his nose on both the inhale and the exhale. As he practices these activities, your child will naturally begin to become more aware of how he is breathing during the day. Encourage him to notice when he starts breathing through his mouth, and then have him practice switching to nose breathing.

The Practices

The activities described in the following pages are meant to increase both breath awareness and breath control. They are all based on a foundation of full breathing through the nose. If your child tends to breathe through her mouth often, it might be useful to spend the first session or two of breathwork just focusing on switching to nose-based breathing.

You can do this in a very simple way by sitting together in a quiet place and deliberately breathing in and out through the nose with your child. If she is used to breathing through her mouth, this might feel strange at first. Breathing through your nose slows down your breath, and kids who are generally moving at a very fast pace might struggle with this feeling of slowness. Don’t worry about your child mastering nose-based breathing before starting the activities that follow. Just expose her to the idea a few times, then give the activities a try.

Many kids are familiar with the expression “take a deep breath.” This is something they have likely heard from you or from other adults in their lives at times when they were upset, angry, frustrated, or otherwise struggling to control their emotions. Sometimes, taking a deep breath leads kids to overemphasize their inhalation, filling up with air in an uncomfortable way that contributes to, rather than reduces, anxiety. For both of these reasons, I prefer to avoid telling children to take a deep breath. Instead, focus on the idea of taking a full, comfortable breath in, and then exhaling all of your air out completely.

A note about asthma: Many children with asthma find breathwork to be empowering. For the first time, they feel some control over something that is often scary, and this can help reduce some of the anxiety that comes with their asthma. These practices are gentle, but if you are nervous about your child’s asthma, be sure to talk with your doctor about your concerns, and seek his or her advice on the activities in this section. Remember the importance of our discussion in chapter 3—children should not be pressured to do anything that feels uncomfortable for them in any way. If your child begins to feel anxious, uncomfortable, or nervous during breathwork activities, stop right away and talk with her about what she felt. Try reducing the length of time you are practicing, or choose to focus just on a simple inhale and exhale through the nose. Let your child decide if and when she is ready to try the activity again.

Balloon Breath

Balloon Breath is a simple practice that incorporates a repetitive movement of the body with the breath pattern. This is very supportive for children who initially struggle with controlling their breath. It also serves to open the chest and gently stretch the back of the shoulders, releasing some of the physical tension that might be contributing to shallow breathing.

1. Begin this practice by sitting somewhere comfortable with your child, either on the floor or in a chair, with your back straight and tall. Place your hands on your knees and start to breathe in and out through your nose.
2. Now imagine that your body is a balloon, and with each breath in you are filling yourself completely with air. As you breathe in, arch your back, let your chest and belly soften and move forward, and look up. This is a modified form of cat pose (see chapter 6).
3. As you breathe out, pull your belly button in, round your back, and look down toward your belly. This is a modified form of cow pose (see chapter 6).
4. Repeat this movement and breath pattern several times, breathing in to fill up your body and breathing out to deflate it.
5. On your next inhale, repeat the opening of your chest but this time bring your arms up and over your head as well. Make your body very big and full. (See illustration 1.)

   

   Illustration 1: Balloon breath—on the inhale, with arms extended

6. As you breathe out, bring your arms back down. As you round your back and pull in your belly, wrap your arms around yourself in a hug. (See illustration 2.)

   

   Illustration 2: Balloon breath—on the exhale

7. Continue for a few rounds, breathing in to fill yourself up and get very big, and breathing out to make yourself as small as you can be.

Follow-up: The pattern of movement described here is just one possible way to practice this breath. If your child enjoys this combination of breathing and movement, go ahead and explore other ways to move. The important thing is that the body is opening and expanding when you breathe in, and getting smaller as you breathe out.

Challenges: If your child is having a particularly high-energy day, there could be a temptation here to move the body very quickly and let the breath follow in a counterproductive way. Make sure that you set the pace of the breath first, before you start moving the body, and encourage your child to let the movement take the entire length of the breath to complete.

Daily Practice: Balloon Breath is a great way to start your day. It’s a way to take the natural stretching and yawning that often happens in the morning and make it more productive and intentional. Suggest to your child that he try a few moments of Balloon Breath first thing in the morning, right in his bed, to help wake up his breath and his body.

Heart and Belly Breath

This practice is a beautiful way to teach children a basic samavritti breath, which is an even and steady inhalation and exhalation. It is a very comforting activity that children can integrate easily into their daily life. The combination of slow, steady breathing with the simple connection of the hands to the body almost immediately calm the nervous system. Many children (and adults) find this to be one of their favorite practices.

1. You can do this activity sitting or lying down. If you’re going to sit, find a comfortable seat where you won’t need to shift around, and sit as tall as you can. If you decide to lie down, do it where you won’t be disturbed and where you feel comfortable and safe.
2. Place one hand on your belly and one hand over your heart (in the center of your chest).
3. Before you start doing anything special with your breath, take a moment to notice how your breath is moving into and out of your body. Notice where you can most feel your breath in your body (nose, chest, belly, back, etc.). Observe if your breath feels relaxed or tight.
4. Now start to breathe a little bit more mindfully. Breathe in and out through your nose, and as you breathe in, let your belly get softer and bigger, filling with air. As you breathe out, pull your belly button in, pushing all of the air out.
5. Breathe in this pattern for a few moments, focusing on moving your breath into and out of your belly. It can be very helpful to establish the rhythm of your child’s breath by counting aloud for her, Inhale one, two; exhale one, two. Make sure that the counting matches a full comfortable breath for your child—don’t try to make her breath go in or out for longer than feels good.
6. After a few rounds, it’s time to start breathing into the heart also. The next time you breathe in, fill your belly with air. Then breathe in a little bit more and fill the space behind your heart with air. When it’s time to exhale, let your breath go from behind your heart, then squeeze the rest out of your belly.
7. Counting is even more helpful here. Consider counting out loud as your child practices: Into your belly one, two, into your heart three, four; out of your heart one, two, out of your belly three, four.

Follow-up: Heart and Belly Breath has a strong energetic effect on most people. Try to encourage your child to sit quietly for a moment or two after finishing this practice, as a way to notice any feelings she is having and to transition gently to whatever is coming next.

Challenges: If your child is having a hard time with the coordination of this practice (or if you think she might), feel free to start by just breathing into and out of the belly, without bringing the breath into and out of the heart. You can add the heart component at any time, even if it is weeks or months after learning the initial activity. If you decide to do this, I still recommend that you have the hands placed over both the belly and the heart, as the physical contact is very soothing even without the addition of the heart breath.

Daily Practice: Heart and Belly Breath is an easy and effective way to tune in and help calm yourself down at any point during the day. Let your child know that if she feels overwhelmed, frustrated, or like things just aren’t feeling right, Heart and Belly Breath can often help. This is also a great practice to use as an opening ritual for your regular yoga sessions together. (See chapter 3 for more on opening rituals.)

Langhana and Brahmana Breath

This activity features two different, simple ways to breathe in order to change your energy level. Langhana breath brings your energy down; it’s quieting and calming and encourages an inward focus. Brahmana breath revitalizes you; it is stimulating and energizing with a quality of alertness.

Langhana Breath

In this practice there is a greater awareness and attention placed on the exhale, which should be longer than the inhale.

1. Start in a seated position, with your eyes closed, and breathe through your nose for a few breaths.
2. Begin to silently count your breathing pattern, for example, Inhale one, two; exhale one, two… (you may want to count out loud for your child). Make sure that the count isn’t too long and that your child can comfortably inhale and exhale for the counted length of the breath.
3. Once you are breathing at a steady pace for a few rounds, start to make your exhale longer than your inhale. You can start by counting, Inhale one, two; exhale one, two, three. If this feels okay, try Inhale one, two; exhale one, two, three, four… .
4. Continue this pattern for as long as you feel comfortable. When you’re ready to finish, come back to an even breath for a round or two, and then gently open your eyes.

Brahmana Breath

In this practice there is a greater awareness and attention placed on the inhale, which should be longer than the exhale.

1. Start in a seated position, with your eyes closed, and breathe through your nose for a few breaths.
2. Begin to silently count your breathing pattern, for example, Inhale one, two; exhale one, two… (you may want to count out loud for your child). Make sure that the count isn’t too long and that your child can comfortably inhale and exhale for the counted length of the breath.
3. Once you are breathing at a steady pace for a few rounds, start to make your inhale longer than your exhale. You can start by counting, Inhale one, two, three; exhale one, two. If this feels okay, try Inhale one, two, three, four; exhale one, two… .
4. Make sure that you are getting all of your air out on the exhale. This might mean that you need to exhale more strongly than usual.
5. Continue this pattern for as long as you feel comfortable. When you’re ready to finish, come back to an even breath for a round or two, and then gently open your eyes.

Follow-up: Encourage your child to pay close attention to how these two ways of breathing make him feel. When you are just starting to practice langhana and brahmana breathing, it can be useful to do them one after the other to help explore the different feelings that they generate, but you can also just practice one of them based on what you think your child needs at the time.

Challenges: Some children struggle with brahmana breath, as the inhale can get too long, making it a little bit uncomfortable. Work with your child to find an inhale length that feels full but that doesn’t cause him any anxiety. Remind your child that if something doesn’t feel right he can always tell you, and that you’ll be okay with working on something else.

Daily Practice: These breathing patterns are extremely useful in daily life. Once your child becomes comfortable with them, remind him that he always has a way to control his energy level. Anytime he needs to calm his energy down, he can try practicing langhana breath, and if he needs to wake himself up he can practice brahmana breath.

Alternate-Nostril Breathing

Alternate-Nostril Breathing helps neutralize your child’s energy and emotions. The goal of this practice is not necessarily to calm down, but to bring balance and a sense of stability to the moment. Give your child some time to get used to this because it both looks and feels very strange.

1. Find a comfortable seat, and sit up tall.
2. Before you start this activity, take a few slow, full belly breaths through your nose.
3. Tell your child that the part that comes next is going to look really silly. We are going to use our fingers to close off our nostrils one at a time and alternate breathing through each of them.
4. Bring your right hand up to your nose and demonstrate the two positions that your child can choose from. In the first, the index finger and middle finger are curled into the palm, and the thumb and ring fingers are resting on either nostril. In the second, the index and ring fingers are resting above the bridge of the nose.
5. Give her a minute to choose a hand position and get the giggles out.
6. Now close off your left nostril with your ring finger. Breathe in through your open right nostril. (See illustration 3.)

   

   Illustration 3: Alternate-nostril breathing

7. Then close your right nostril with your thumb, and open your left nostril to breathe out.
8. Breathe in through your open left nostril.
9. Close your left nostril, open your right, and breathe out through your right.
10. Then breathe in through your right, close it, and breathe out through your left.
11. Make sure that you start this slowly and let your child get used to what she is doing. Guide her through one step at a time with plenty of pauses to integrate the instructions.
12. Once she starts getting the hang of it, continue to give guidance but use fewer words. Establish a rhythm to the breathing by repeating, In right, out left, in left, out right, and so on.
13. Keep going in this pattern for a few minutes.
14. As you finish the exercise, release your hand and take a few slow breaths in and out of both nostrils.

Follow-up: It might take a few tries for this to start feeling like it makes sense, but once your child gets the hang of it, take a few minutes after she is finished to ask her to check in with her body and emotions, and notice any feelings or sensations.

Challenges: If the work of coordinating the hand movements seems distracting, make sure you spend a little bit of time playing with the hand movements alone, independent of the breath. When your child feels comfortable with the hand movements, then introduce the breath and put the two together.

Daily Practice: Alternate-Nostril Breathing can be used anytime your child feels like she needs to hit a reset button. It works equally well in situations where she wants to calm herself down or give herself a little more energy. Because it is energetically balancing, it’s a great practice to try when things don’t feel quite right, but you aren’t sure exactly what you need to feel balanced.

Back-to-Back Breathing

Back-to-Back Breathing is a partner activity that you and your child can practice together, or that you can introduce to siblings or friends. It is a favorite activity of many children and adults, as it feels supportive, loving, and nurturing. It is a way to soothe both you and your child, as well as a way to deepen your connection with each other.

1. Start by sitting back to back on the floor, with your legs crossed in front of you. Try to sit close together and very straight, so that as much of your back as possible is touching your child’s back. Go ahead and lean into each other a little.
2. Close your eyes and start to breathe in and out through your nose. With each breath, fill your whole body up with air. (See illustration 4.)

   

   Illustration 4: Back-to-back breathing

3. After a few moments start to see if you can feel your partner’s breath moving in his body. Can you feel his back or shoulders moving just a little? Can you hear his breath at all?
4. Without talking, try to begin matching your breath to your partner’s breath, and begin breathing in and out together.
5. Stay here for a few minutes, lightly leaning on each other and breathing together.
6. You can continue this for as long as it feels good for both of you. When you are ready to get up, do so slowly and carefully, being gentle with your partner.

Follow-up: Avoid having a lot of conversation around this activity with your child. The experience itself is the important thing, and sometimes talking about the sense of connection and support can make your child feel silly or uncomfortable. Unless he brings up a conversation around this practice, just let the experience stand on its own.

Challenges: In order to feel the full impact of this practice, it’s important for the partners to stay connected to each other, which can be challenging for a child who is struggling to stay still. If this is happening, try to experiment with things that can help create a sense of grounding for your child. For example, you can do this practice with your hands on your heart and belly. You can also try draping a blanket around the two of you. Choose the time of day for this practice carefully, when you know that your child will be more likely to feel calm and be capable of a few moments of stillness.

Daily Practice: Back-to-Back Breathing is not something that I generally recommend trying to incorporate into your child’s everyday routine, but it is very nourishing to practice it on a regular basis (maybe four or five times per month) depending on how much you are both enjoying it.

Using Your Breath in Challenging Situations

As you and your child practice the breathing activities in this chapter, you are both likely to become more aware of your breath in ordinary circumstances. This is a wonderful gift, as breath awareness will give you a tremendous amount of insight into your energetic and emotional state. Revisit the Checking-In Worksheet that your child created during the Connect practices to remind him of how he can use his breath to give him clues about his emotions. As greater breath awareness allows him to notice more, continue to add to the worksheet.

Remind your child that his breath is his to control. He has the power to turn his energy up or down, to help himself relax, or even to make himself more upset. Encourage him to notice his breath throughout the day and make decisions about whether he wants to change it. Remember that just because this is all possible doesn’t mean it is easy! It takes a tremendous amount of self-awareness and self-control to use your breath mindfully in difficult situations. Your child is just starting to learn these skills, and you are helping him practice. Don’t expect immediate mastery, and don’t let your enthusiasm for these practices diminish how seriously you take your child’s emotions. Make sure that you honor his feelings and that he always knows that you’re on his side.

Remember that you can use all of these tools as a parent also. When you are frustrated, angry, or even afraid, try to notice your breath and make a decision about whether to change it. During particularly challenging moments, pause and let your child know that you are working with your breath to calm yourself down. Practice these activities with your child, and practice them on your own. Model the skillful use of your breath and it will influence your entire family.