chapter 8

Relax

In order for any person, a child or an adult, to be the best version of him- or herself, he or she must get enough sleep. Think about yourself on a day when you are exhausted. Are you as nice to other people? As capable of making good decisions? Able to maintain your focus and get things done efficiently? Because their brains are still developing, children who are exhausted suffer even more than we do, yet the majority of kids in the United States aren’t getting enough sleep.

In this final step of our yoga and mindfulness practice, we will learn activities that help children rest and restore, reduce insomnia, and help with the transition to sleep.

Why Is Rest So Important?

Sleep among children has been the subject of many research studies, all of which conclude the same thing—that even a small amount of lost sleep can dramatically impact children’s school success, including their ability to maintain focus and their ability to store memories. Impulse control and emotional stability are also reduced. A 2003 study found that one hour of lost sleep (during the course of just three nights) is equivalent to the loss of two years of cognitive development—meaning that the sixth-grade students in the study who were getting just a little bit less sleep were performing at a fourth-grade level in school (Sadeh, Gruber, and Raviv 2003)! Another fascinating study of more than seven thousand high school students in Minnesota showed a correlation between just fifteen minutes less sleep and a full grade point drop in school (Wahlstrom 2010).

These types of findings are replicated over and over again in the academic research on sleep among children and teens. Sleep loss appears to reduce the strength of our prefrontal cortex (the Thoughtful Brain). Among other things, this reduces children’s ability to focus well, particularly on things that are challenging. Sleep also plays an important role in storing memories—when children don’t get enough sleep, they literally can’t remember what they are learning (Aton, Seibt, and Frank 2009; Diekelmann and Born 2010).

There are also emotional consequences to reduced sleep among children. Being tired, for both kids and adults, often leads to irritability, anger, a shortened temper, and reduced compassion for others. Stressful things feel more stressful, and it gets harder to see the bright side of life. Judgment is impaired, impulse control is reduced, and behavior gets worse. Many tired children show an increase in hyperactive behavior and are quick to become overstimulated. Lack of sleep is correlated with an increase in ADHD symptoms and, in some cases, can even lead to behavior that gets misdiagnosed as ADHD.

What Can We Do to Help?

The National Sleep Foundation recommends that children between five and twelve years old get ten to twelve hours of sleep each night. Most children get far less, even though most parents think their kids are getting enough sleep. The reasons why children have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep are many: stress and anxiety, overscheduling, early school start times, too much homework, noise and lights from urban environments or loud households, and many more. While some factors affecting your child’s sleep quantity and quality can be addressed directly (earlier bedtime, black-out shades), and some can’t be helped at all (school start time), reducing your child’s stress level will help improve her quality of sleep, and teaching her relaxing activities that she can use to quiet her mind and transition to sleep will help her actually fall asleep when she goes to bed.

The Practices

The activities in this chapter are based on restorative yoga practices that provide profound relaxation for both the body and the mind. In restorative yoga, the idea is to set your body up in a particular pose where it is well supported, and then completely relax, allowing gravity to do all of the work. These poses are held for an extended length of time based on what feels good. When you practice these poses with your child, try to create a space that feels nurturing, safe, and calm. Dim light and gentle music can be very supportive. For many children, using a blanket over the whole body during restorative poses is deeply soothing and creates an increased feeling of safety. If your child responds better to one of these activities in particular, it’s a good idea to keep using it. Don’t worry about varying the activities, particularly if your child is practicing before bedtime. Practicing the same Relax activity each day will only deepen its impact as the body learns to settle down more quickly.

Legs Up the Wall Pose

This restorative yoga pose is a favorite of both children and adults. It is simple to do but has a powerfully relaxing effect on both the body and the mind.

1. Set up your yoga mat so that the short end is against a wall (one that is free of hanging photos or other obstructions).
2. The easiest way to get into this pose is to come into child’s pose (see illustration 8) just off to one side of your yoga mat, with your feet and hips very close to the wall and the top of your head facing the center of the room. Then slowly roll over onto your back, extending your legs up the wall as you go.
3. Once there you may need to scoot yourself in so that your legs are flush to the wall. If the backs of your legs are especially tight, then move a bit away from the wall until your legs feel comfortable.
4. You can rest here with your arms by your sides, palms face up (see illustration 24), or bring one hand to your heart and one to your belly. This is an excellent place to practice Heart and Belly Breath (see chapter 5).

   

   Illustration 24: Legs up the wall pose

5. Rest in this pose for at least three minutes, although you can stay here for as long as ten or fifteen minutes if you feel comfortable.
6. If you have one available, try using an eye pillow during this pose.
7. When you are ready to come out of the pose, pull your knees into your chest and roll to one side. Then use your hands to come back up to sitting.

Follow-up: A wonderful addition to this pose for your child is a gentle neck, forehead, or hand massage from you! Use some yummy-smelling lotion, and sit behind your child’s head. Slide your hands under the back of her neck, and slowly and gently slide one hand and then the other from the base of her neck to the back of her head. Get a rhythm going and alternate hands for a few moments. Then gently place her head on the ground and, using your thumbs, massage her forehead using long strokes from the bridge of her nose to her temples, and follow that same pattern up along her forehead. Then move quietly and slowly to each of her hands and gently massage them. When you are finished with her hands, position yourself behind her head again and rest your hands on her shoulders for a moment to let her know that you are done.

Challenges: Some people have trouble feeling relaxed in this pose, because tightness in the back of their legs makes it hard to rest at the 90-degree angle that the body needs to be in here. If that is the case for your child, make practicing seated forward bends a priority (see chapter 6). Sometimes the legs up the wall pose feels a little awkward, and you might find your legs sliding to one side or into a V shape. If that happens, try changing your position just a little bit—you may need to be a little closer or a little farther away from the wall.

Daily Practice: This is a wonderful pose to practice right before bed (if your bed is against a wall, you can even practice in bed!), especially if you have any trouble falling asleep.

Supported Reclined Bound-Ankle Pose

Reclined bound-ankle pose is a tremendously powerful restorative posture, especially when supported with blankets or bolsters. It provides a deep experience of relaxation and also very gently opens your hips and your upper chest, making breathing a little easier and movement more fluid. This pose is like hitting a reset button for a tired and stiff body.

1. Prepare some props that will help you get most comfortable in this pose. You will want to use two firm blankets or two blocks for under your knees, another blanket or bolster for under your back, an eye mask if you have one, and another blanket to lay over your whole body. If you are using bolsters, place them next to your mat. If you are using blankets, roll one blanket into a short, thick roll, at least eight inches in diameter and about as long as your own back. Fold the other two blankets into squares or rectangles about six inches high (these are approximate measurements—just give this all a try and you’ll soon figure out what works best for you). Open up your last blanket completely.
2. Set all of your props next to your yoga mat. Sit with the bottoms of your feet together and your knees open, as in bound-ankle pose (see illustration 12).
3. Put either the bolsters or the folded blankets under your knees so that they are supported.
4. Now bring another bolster or the rolled-up blanket behind you. One short end of the bolster or blanket should be right up against your hips. Slowly lower your body down so that you are lying on top of the blanket or bolster (it should be long enough to support your head; if not, use another blanket or a firm pillow). (See illustration 25.)
5. Pull your last blanket up over your body to keep you warm. If you have an eye mask, lay it over your eyes.
6. Open your arms out to your sides, with your palms facing up (underneath the blanket).

   

   Illustration 25: Supported reclined bound-ankle pose

7. Rest here for as long as you want. The more time you spend here, the more rejuvenated you’ll feel when you are finished.

Follow-up: Once this pose becomes comfortable and familiar, a wonderful way to deepen the experience is to practice a Connect, Breathe, or Focus activity while you are resting. Good ones to try are Heart and Belly Breath, Langhana Breath, Layers of Sound, or Thought River Meditation.

Challenges: For most people, this is a very comfortable pose, but for some children tightness in the hips might make holding the pose for an extended period more challenging. If that is the case for your child, try using a bigger bolster or thicker blanket to better support his knees. It doesn’t matter how widely they are opened. If, after a minute or two, he is still uncomfortable, encourage him to slowly bring his knees together and extend his legs straight, allowing them to fall open to the sides like in savasana (see chapter 6). Finish out the experience in this modified version of the pose.

Daily Practice: Like the pose legs up the wall, this pose is a fantastic tool for children who have a hard time falling asleep at night, and it can also be practiced right in bed. If your child is practicing on a soft mattress, or if you think he might fall asleep in this position, then omit the blanket or bolster behind his back.

Guided Visualization

A guided visualization is an imaginary exploration that you lead your child through. Creating a guided visualization is an exercise in creativity, but it is simple once you get started. Getting comfortable creating visualizations for your child will provide you with a limitless world of options for helping her to relax.

1. Have your child relax in savasana (see chapter 6) or sit in a comfortable position. Darkening the room, using an eye mask if you have it, and covering up with a blanket will all deepen the experience of relaxation.
2. Choose a location for your imaginary experience. The most soothing visualizations are usually ones that explore the natural world. Good choices include the beach, the forest, a lake, an open field of flowers, a hillside while it’s snowing, or any other location with the potential for a rich sensory experience.
3. Once you’ve chosen a location for your visualization, you will want to talk your child through an exploration of that locale. For example, you might begin a visualization of a walk through the woods by saying, “Step into the forest, and notice what the leaves underfoot sound like. Take a few more steps, and then reach your hand out to feel the bark of a tree nearby. Does it feel smooth or scratchy or rough? Notice the color of the bark. Take a deep breath in and notice what the forest smells like. . . .”

   Some things to keep in mind:

   • You are setting the scene for your child, but you want her to have her own experience, so avoid using language that describes her experience with adjectives (for example, avoid saying “notice the wonderful smell of the forest” or “feel the soothing cool breeze on your face”). The smell of the forest might not be so wonderful in your child’s mind, and that is absolutely fine. The idea is to open the senses and just experience something new through the mind. When you add qualifying words you create the potential for your child to feel like she is somehow doing this wrong if what she feels isn’t the same as what you say.
   • Use a quiet voice, but don’t fall into the trap of becoming monotonous. Your voice should sound normal, and fluctuations in pacing, pitch, and volume are perfectly fine. Just avoid making your voice substantially louder at any point or you might startle your child.
   • Use guiding questions to encourage a full sensory experience, and keep your child engaged. Things like, “Stick out your tongue and catch a snowflake. What does it taste like?” or “Look out at the water. What colors do you see reflected in it?” Make sure when you ask questions, you pause for a few moments before moving on.
4. Pay attention to your child to figure out how long your guided visualizations should be. When you first start, a little bit of fidgeting is normal. You want to keep going long enough to get those first wiggles behind you, but then once she has been calm for a little while, if you start to see her getting fidgety again, it’s time to start wrapping up.
5. When you are ready to finish up your visualization, a great way to end is by guiding your child into savasana wherever she is in her imagination. Talk her into lying down in the grass or on a warm rock. Then play some soothing music for a few minutes and let her decide when to get up.

Follow-up: Many children love to follow up a guided visualization with an art activity during which they can draw their experience. Others enjoy leading their parents through a visualization of their own creation.

Challenges: There are two potential challenges for your child during a guided visualization. The first is that she falls asleep. This is common in children who are exhausted or aren’t sleeping well at night. If your child is falling asleep within the few minutes of this practice, then it’s likely that she needs the sleep more than she needs the visualization, and my recommendation is to let her nap. The other challenge is the potential for your child’s mind to wander, or for her to become bored. If your child has a wandering mind, keep the actual visualization short, and allow for restful mind-wander time at the end of the practice (see Focus in Daily Life in chapter 7). Follow-up activities like drawing, or even just talking about the experience, will likely keep her more tuned in next time.

Daily Practice: Visualizations are like organized daydreams, and many children find that they quickly learn to create them for themselves. If your child enjoys creating her own guided visualizations, allow her time during the day to take a break. Let her know that any time she needs a mental vacation, she can put a timer on for a few minutes and lead herself on an imaginary adventure.

Tense and Let Go: Yoga Nidra

“Yoga nidra” means “yoga sleep,” and this is a relaxation practice that is thought to be a state between sleeping and wakefulness, where the practitioner is at complete rest yet still consciously aware. In an adult practice, awareness is brought slowly through each part of the body, relaxing first the physical body, then the mind and the emotions. In this child-appropriate version we are going to use a more direct experience of the body to help make the practice more accessible and engaging.

1. Begin reclined in savasana (see chapter 6) on your mat. You can use an eye pillow and a blanket over your body, if they will help you get more comfortable.
2. Spend a few moments here just paying attention to your breath and getting settled.
3. Now you are going to bring your attention to each part of your body, starting with your toes and moving all the way up to your head. As you think about each part of your body, you will tense the muscles in that body part, and then let them relax, until you have invited your whole body to relax.
4. First think about your toes. Scrunch them up as tight as you can, hold them there for a second or two, and then let them rest. Now tense up both of your feet, and when you let them relax, imagine that they are very, very heavy.
5. Now tighten the muscles in your calves and around your knees. Try counting to five before letting them relax.
6. Next squeeze all of the muscles in your legs. You might find yourself squeezing so hard that your legs lift off of the ground a tiny bit. After a few seconds, let all of the muscles in your legs relax, and feel your legs settle comfortably into the ground.
7. Now pull your belly button in for a few seconds, and then let your belly get very soft. Relax your back into the floor.
8. Scrunch your shoulders up to your ears, then after a few seconds relax them down.
9. Make your hands into very tight fists, and squeeze all of the muscles in your arms. Just like your legs, you may find that your arms come off of the ground a little, and that is great. Now relax your arms and your hands, letting them rest by your sides with your palms facing up.
10. Close your eyes very tightly, scrunch up your nose, and squeeze your lips together. Hold your face in this tensed position for a few seconds, and then let your whole face relax. Take a big breath in and, when you exhale, let out a deep sigh through your mouth.
11. Now take a minute to pay attention to your whole body. If you notice any part that still feels uncomfortable or isn’t very relaxed, go ahead and tense it up, then let go, until you’ve relaxed each part of you.
12. Once your body is relaxed, rest in savasana for as long as you’d like.

Follow-up: The Tense and Let Go relaxation is a very straightforward activity that has the potential to create a powerful sense of ease and release for your child. Once your child is comfortable with this physical practice, you may want to consider adding a component that asks him if he is having any feelings or thoughts that are keeping him from relaxing. If so, you can practice Thought River Meditation (see chapter 7) as a second part of this activity. Guide your child through a practice of picking his uncomfortable thought up out of the river, holding it tightly for a few seconds, and then putting it back in the river to float away.

Challenges: If your child is struggling with this activity, it is possible that it is just too long for him right now. Feel free to change the language of this practice so that it moves more quickly (for example tensing entire areas of the body at once) or more slowly (as slowly as tensing one toe at a time for some kids) based on the needs of your child.

Daily Practice: Like the other Relax activities, Tense and Let Go is a perfect transition to bedtime for many children. If your child enjoys this practice, encourage him to make it part of his bedtime routine.

Relaxation for Parents

It’s entirely likely that you have been sleep deprived from the day your child was born. Making time for your own self-care is crucial to your own capacity for emotional balance, good decision making, and the ability to focus on your child’s needs. As you share these Relax activities with your child, go ahead and try them yourself. Set up a short bedtime ritual that helps ease you into sleep. When you feel like you need a nap in the middle of the day but just don’t have time for one, try a restorative pose or a short Tense and Let Go practice instead of another cup of coffee.

If you are lucky enough to have a yoga studio nearby that offers restorative yoga classes, sign up immediately. If you can’t find a class, I highly recommend Relax and Renew: Restful Yoga for Stressful Times, by Judith Lasater.