¹Polly: Roxy? Pssst, over here.Roxy: Hi, Polly. What are you doing down here?Polly: Trying to get your attention stealthily.Roxy: I love stealth!Polly: Look, I’m worried about Jas. I was—Roxy: Shhhhh. They might be listening.Polly: Who?Roxy: THEM. Her overlords. BE STEALTHY.Polly: Um, Rox, I don’t think—Roxy: Uh-oh, Jas is getting restless! We’d better go back up there before she gets suspicious and gives the game away.Polly: What game? What are you talking about?Roxy: Nothing to see here, nice overlords. Not a thing. Tra la la. (Call me later, P.)

²Polly: Do “Stole car. Got arrested. Met man of dreams. Must go die now. Miss you,” count as sentences? Because that is what the email said.Roxy: Well, they have periods. And verbs in them.Polly: Yes, verbs like “arrested” and “die.”Roxy: Those aren’t my favorites either—I like “eat” and “order dessert” best, I think. Or maybe “slurp milkshake.” It was nice of her to say she misses us.Polly: Um, Rox? That’s not the point.Roxy: Oh. Do you think we should do something? Wait—DOES THIS CALL FOR AN INTERVENTION? INTERVENTION! I love interventions! What should we confront Jas about first? Her increasing drug use? Her slipping grades?Polly: Jas doesn’t use drugs, and she’s, like, number two in our class. I was thinking more about her freakish behavior today. Clearly, repressing her interest in Fiona Bristol is leading to all kinds of acting out.Roxy: It’s not that unusual for Jas to find herself in the hands of a security team.Polly: But auto theft?Roxy: Hmm, good point.Tom: Hi, Polly. Wait a sec, what are you two doing down here?Roxy: Nothing. Move along young Tom.Tom: Your eye is twitching, Rox. You are up to something.Roxy: Girl talk. We were discussing whether big granny underwear was In or Out this season.Tom: How funny, that happens to be a topic on which I’m an expert. Pray, continue.Polly: Actually, we were discussing what to do about Jas. I’m really worried. But I have an idea.Here, I’ve made a list of what we need. I think we should—
Roxy: Whisper! In case THEY are listening.Polly: Roxy, you are being—Roxy: They have ears EVERYWHERE.Polly: Fine. Here’s what I think we should do. We take six to eight…and then…which we can easily do with a regular D-cell battery, after which…and voilà! Jas, good as new.Roxy: Wow, that sounds great! An excellent plan!Tom: Are you sure it’s not a little extreme? Someone could get hurt.Roxy: You’re either with us or against us, my brother. Which is it? And don’t think I won’t use this thing, because I will.Tom: Are you threatening me with a hairbrush, Roxy?Roxy: Styling attachment. It’s Mom’s. I think it may be the source of her terrifying power.Polly: We have no time to lose. Are you in or out, Tom?Tom: If you’re in, I’m in.Polly: Excellent. I’ll pick you guys up tomorrow early so we can stop You-Know-Where before we head out.Roxy: And I’ll go put the You-Know-Whats by the front door so I don’t forget them. Next to the Oh-Yes-We-Dids. And the Funyuns.Tom: Funyuns?Roxy: For strength. You know, in case Jas gets balky.Polly: Good thinking. Wow, Jas is so lucky to have us.Tom: Yes, your devotion really brings a tear to the eye. Hey, get that demonic hairbrush away from me.Roxy: It’s a styling attachment!Polly: We’d better go to sleep. We’ll need our wits about us to complete our mission.Roxy: Good point. Agents Roxy and Tom of Team Rescue Jas signing off, captain.Polly: Over and out.

³Tom: Polly, it’s your phone. The caller ID says the Venetian Hotel. It must be Jas. Should we answer it?Roxy: No way. We are radio silent. From here on in, Team Operation Jas goes black ops code super stealth.Polly: All cell phones to their OFF positions.Roxy: And traitors will be shot.Tom: Put the glue gun down, Roxy.

⁴Polly: I am going to choose to assume that is your sweet, sweet way of making clear that I am NOT a “typical” California girl, rather than some immature jibe at my safety consciousness.Jas: What are you doing down here?Polly: Don’t evade the issue.Jas: There is no danger, P, of anyone thinking you are typical. Or even normal.Polly: Be careful that you don’t choke yourself with all that cackling, Jas. Or shall I call you GirlWho Considers Cops Educational Programming?Jas: Do as you see fit, Girl Who Sleeps with a Hazmat Suit Next to Her Bed.Polly: You may laugh now. But who will be laughing—Roxy: Hey, Jas, when it’s my turn to be described, could you say I have some kind of cool scar? Or a single alarming eyebrow? Ooh, or what about a snaggletooth?Jas: Um, I’ll think about it.Roxy: You are a really bad liar. Anyway, do you know where the room service menu is? My snaggletooth and I are starving.

⁵Polly: Remember the time Roxy came to school wearing one tennis sock and one knee sock with her uniform? And she didn’t even realize it.Jas: Yeah. And the next day all the seventh graders were doing it because they thought she was making a fashion statement.Roxy: Wow, look at this! You can order an entire hors d’oeuvres party sampler with little baby spring rolls and cut-up vegetables and dip! DIP! It says one is enough for a party of ten. I’ll order two. We’re going to need to be well fed for what we have planned.Jas: Planned? What are you talking about?Polly: Nothing. Hey, Jas, weren’t you in the middle of something up there? In your story? Like, shouldn’t you be telling what we’re wearing today instead of picking on things we woreAGES ago?Jas: Um, no. What do you have planned? What plan???

⁶Jas: Are you happy now?Polly: Not. I could get more description from a Do Not Dry Clean label.Roxy: Look! They have bagel dogs too! I love those!Jas: You aren’t going to tell me your plan, are you?
Sigh.

⁷Roxy: Not me. I think aliens did it. They could totally have used their advanced technologies to get into the house without being seen.Tom: Then why didn’t they use their advanced technologies to kill him? Why use a regular knife?Roxy: They like to experiment with our ways.Jas: Okay, Roxy, but what about this? It says here that police linked Len Phillips’s murder to an unsolved murder two months earlier here in Las Vegas. One that looked like it was done with the same weapon, by the same person. And Red Early was supposedly shooting a series on homelessness here in Vegas when that murder happened.Polly: Correction. He wasn’t just here in Las Vegas when the murder happened. His car was, like, a block away from the murder scene at the exact time of the killing. He was there, where the murder was going down. And he can’t produce any of the negatives of the photos he claimed he was taking.Roxy: That doesn’t mean it wasn’t aliens.Jas: What about the fact that Fred saw his father, Red Early, leaning over Len Phillips’s dead body?Roxy: Duh. Red got there after the aliens.Jas: You win. It was aliens. Here, I award you this beautifully carved lemon garnish.

⁸Roxy: I sense your skepticism. But I accept your carved lemon garnish.Roxy: Likely because he would not believe it when Red spoke of the aliens.Polly: Or possibly because HE KNEW RED WAS GUILTY.Jas: Um, Roxy, why is there a piece of black licorice on your upper lip?Roxy: It’s supposed to be a mustache. I thought it would make me look more distinguished and give my arguments more credibility.Jas: Oh. It does. Definitely.

⁹Roxy: Ahem. This article in Weekly World News does.Tom: Let me guess. The thumb was taken by aliens.Roxy: Aliens happen to think the human thumb is the seat of the soul.Tom: And you know that from your long discussions with aliens?Roxy: You are just jealous because this proves I am right and have been right all along. Admit it!Jas: Roxy, menacing Tom with your garnish does not make you look distinguished. Thank you for bringing that very interesting article to my attention. Now—Roxy: You should really read it, Jas. Look, they have proof, too. They found a weird footprint outside the window of the room where the body was found. See? In the photo? Does that look like a normal footprint to you?Jas: Um, no. But how do we know that the picture was really taken outside that window and not, like, outside a building with a sign saying Weekly World News Headquarters?Roxy: Fine. If you want to be one of those people who think aliens only murder in the movies, go right ahead. But don’t come crying to me when they knock on your door and you don’t know the proper way to greet them to avoid having your brain slurped out through your nostrils. It happened five times in California alone last year.Jas: You made that up.Roxy: Did I? Can you be sure?(slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp)

¹⁰Polly: Probably aliens.Jas: Funny, that is exactly what I was thinking.Roxy: Oh, ha ha. Let it be known that while you two were riding the Scoff Express, I was eating the last of the cookies. That’s right. Who is laughing now?Polly: You mean the cookies that fell on the floor?
Roxy: I hear nothing.

¹¹Roxy: For real, though, “I will hunt you for a hundred years” would make a good song title for our band, don’t you think?Polly: It does have a kind of country-meets-punk vibe.Jas: Yes, where “country” means “serial” and “punk” means “killer.”Polly: Oh, you with your crazy crime-fighting obsession. I bet you even think Little Bunny Foo Foo is a serial killer.Jas: He was known for scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head.Polly: Have you considered seeking help for this condition?Jas: Have you considered that the story is up there? Get back up there! Enough chitchat!

¹²Jas: Was there another one of those Solid Gold marathons on VH1 while I was gone?Tom: I’m afraid so.

¹³Tom: I don’t want to know what that means, do I? “Totally Visa”?Jas: Everywhere you want to be, hot stuff.Tom: I feel so unclean now. I mean, thanks.

¹⁴Little Life Lesson 24, generously and out of the kindness of her heart provided by Polly Prentis, fascist fashion guru: Sometimes you can save a mismatched or hideously unflattering outfit that you have no idea why anyone would buy—that means you, Jas. What have I told you about wearing olive green? That’s right, hang your head in shame—with the right shade of lip gloss and eye shadow.

¹⁵Polly: No, I think, “I got shot at Madam Tussauds” is a better song title than “Mohammad Ali saved my life.”Roxy: Although that one is kind of inspirational. Sort of gospel.Polly: We’re an angry girl band.Roxy: You’re right. What about “Simon Cowell’s Boogers”? That sounds angry.Polly: THAT is a—
Jas: Hello? What are you doing?Polly: You said we were whispering among ourselves. So we’re whispering.Jas: I said you were talking about how you had to Wear the Mask to cover your heart-wrenching reaction to my near death.Polly: We did that already. You don’t want us to get maudlin, do you? Plus, we’re working on the band. Don’t you have evidence to find or something? We’ll be there when you need us.

¹⁶Roxy: Is that the guy that Jas picked up at the UCLA library the day she’d had that eye test that messed up her vision?Polly: Exactly.Roxy: The one who wore that metallic rainbow Speedo bathing suit when we went to the beach?Polly: Sometimes I wake up screaming in the night, and I think it’s because I’m remembering how that looked.Roxy: That could be a sign of an alien mental probe as well.Polly: You always give me such comfort, Rox.Jas: Hello? The book is up there. You two, zip it. And it was not metallic.

¹⁷Jas: Um, Roxy? I am not sure you should be saddling up your high horse here. Do the words “I have fallen in love with the sad clown at the state fair and I am leaving all of you to follow him wherever carny life leads” ring any bells?Polly: Downtrodden Dan! That was his name.Jas: Yes, except that he turned out to be a sixty-five-year-old grandmother named Selma.Roxy: How was I supposed to know what was under the makeup? I fell in love with his heartache!Jas: People in glass stables shouldn’t throw stones, that is all I am saying.Polly: Gee, that is so profound. I can’t believe no one has put that on an inspirational poster yet.Jas: Your negativity flows off of me like burbling water over a smooth rock.Polly: Jas, you have outdone yourself. That was truly Pepto-abysmol.Jas: Thank you, I try.

¹⁸Polly: That is because, precious, you just looked like you had indigestion. You should work on those poses. Just FYI.Roxy: Or maybe you could put a sign next to yourself. Like wall text at a museum. “Girl, depressed.Materials: teenage girl, angst, lip gloss.”Polly: That would completely have helped. And it would make a good song title.

¹⁹Jas: Did you suffer horribly?Polly: It wasn’t that bad. I just pretended I was the spokesmodel for the I’m With Stupid world tour.Roxy: You know, that would make a sweet title for a song.

²⁰Polly: Oh, you want to play that way, do you? Okay, homegirl, here you go. Polly’s Life Lesson 1: When choosing a best friend, look her over for scars. If she has any that go with stories featuring such gems as: “…and then I got cut trying to get the girl’s flute out of the shark tank” or “I didn’t know monkeys could throw a punch either!” or “No, it’s all healed. My hair hasn’t caught fire for at least three weeks,” steer clear. You know what I am talking about, Jas.

²¹Polly: I told you so.

²²Jas: I don’t know what Tom is talking about. What happened was Polly was supposed to jump up and land on my back, only we didn’t take into account how much more momentum there would be in that move with WHEELS involved.Roxy: Or that Polly would put her hands over your eyes.Jas: So I couldn’t see where I was going and vroomed straight into the side of the rink so hard that I flipped over it, and Polly flew through the air.Roxy: And landed in that man’s lap.Polly: He was very nice. He dropped the lawsuit right away when he heard who my parents were.And he can walk just fine now.Roxy: Tom is such an exaggerator. Still, it’s a good thing Polly was wearing a hard hat.

²³Polly: I have to say, Jack surprised me. I mean, Jas was obviously smitten, but given her track record, I expected to be underwhelmed. Instead, here was this guy who was unquestionably Front Row material.Roxy: I know. He was so cute, my first thought was that he had been genetically engineered.Polly: And well dressed. And he looked great with Jas.Roxy: Yes. Oh, well. I still can’t believe—
Jas: Nothing to see here, folks. Eyes up on the story. Just ignore this space. Blah blah blah.

²⁴Polly: THAT WAS A SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCE AND YOU KNOW IT, JAS. We were coming to help you. Sheesh.Roxy: Yeah. And ours were super cute.

²⁵Roxy: Do you remember the look on Jas’s face when this happened?Polly: I will remember that forever. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s eyes get that big.Roxy: HER eyes. What about the eyes of everyone around her when they got a glimpse of Kermit?Polly: And Jack’s expression. He—
Jas: What? Jack saw this? You never told me that Jack saw my Kermit underpants.Hello?Okay, you two. You can’t just mention something like that and disappear.Come back here!Hello?Drat. Please do not let him have seen my underpants.

²⁶Polly: Where were we? Oh, right, Jack and the underwear. I’ve never seen anyone gape like that.Roxy: I know. It was like a movie. His mouth open wide. And then he—oops, here she comes.Jas: I see you guys down here. Hello? Cut it out. This is MY book. He didn’t really see my panties, did he?

²⁷Jas: Who put this heart next to the Fabinator? Cut it out.(DID HE SEE KERMIT? ANSWER ME!)

²⁸Polly: I would not be surprised either, because I saw her advanced speed skating like an Olympian one minute, and then the next she was pretending she wasn’t a very good skater and careening into that guy.Roxy: She had her hands all over his chest.Polly: She was drying him off. I liked her outfit though. I hope she didn’t get fired for spilling. I bet it was her first night and she wasn’t used to skating with a whole tray of drinks.Roxy: I bet she wasn’t even a waitress at all but A MEMBER OF THE RUSSIAN MAFIA. Seriously, did you see that black lace-up corset and leather pants she was wearing? And the studded leather choker? Very Russian Mafia. She could have even been a hired assassin.Polly: But her wrist cuff was very Fox network teen drama. And I don’t think they get those in Russia.Roxy: Should we tell Jas?Polly: That the cocktail waitress was wearing out-of-date accessories? Or about Jack seeing her—
Jas: Did he? Are you saying he did???

²⁹Jas: Please ignore the heart.

³⁰Jas: Please also ignore this one. [I SAID STOP IT!!!]

³¹Jas: This is not funny. You think you’re funny but you’re not.Polly: I think it’s funny.Roxy: Me too.Polly: You know, Jas, I think you should take a more Zen approach to this.Roxy: Give in to the power. Ask yourself, What Would Bambi Do?Jas: What?Roxy: WWBD? You know, from the famous line in the movie Bambi, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”Polly: It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation.Jas: You two are insane, you—
Roxy: Uh-uh-uh. WWBD? Bambi would not use ouchy words like “insane.”Jas: I surrender. I give up.Polly: Really?Roxy: Does that mean we can put hearts wherever we want?Jas: Yes.Roxy: Oh. Well, that takes all the fun out of it.
Jas: I’m sure you’ll think of something. (Can someone please tell me if Jack saw my Kermit panties?)

³²Polly: For the record, I was not crying, I was not hugging, and I was not making “you’re my hero” eyes at anyone or doing any of the other sappy things Jas said I was doing. I believe her head injury made her a little overemotional.Jas: You’re so cute when you lie, Polly.

³³Polly: This is not true! I looked it up! There is no Stenciling for Dummies! She was just trying to get next to Tom.Jas: So? You don’t care about Tom. You said. Tra la tra la.
La la la.
La.

³⁴Polly: She’s a liar, too.Jas: Now now, P. That’s not a very Bambi sentence.Hey, by the way, did Jack see my Kermit underpants?Hello?
Sigh.

³⁵Polly: Jas, I’ve been wondering. Are you making these things up by just, like, combining words together? Because a lot of your little life lessons don’t make any sense.Jas: Fie.Polly: Not exactly unproving my point.Jas: What’s wrong with them?Roxy: I think they’re very helpful. That one about fringe boots especially. I never would have thought of that.Jas: Why, thank you. You were saying, Polly?Polly: Fine. You can leave them as they are. But you miss some good opportunities.Jas: For example?Polly: A good time for a little life lesson might have been when Tom saved your life.Jas: You mean something like, “Life is short, eat out more often”?Polly: Um, no, I did not mean something you got off a paper straw wrapper.Roxy: But it’s very good advice. Now I’m hungry. Are you guys hungry?

³⁶Polly: That is not true! I wanted to talk about you. To make sure you were—
Jas: Do you hear that?Polly: What? I don’t hear anything.Jas: Exactly. Silence. Mmmmmm.Polly: I hope bedbugs bite you.

³⁷Jas: By this I did not mean that Polly snores. In fact, Polly looks adorable at all times, including while she is sleeping. This was simply an unfortunate turn of phrase that I regretted almost immed—REAL Jas: Polly, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be asleep. I just wrote up there that you were sleeping.Polly: You wrote I was snoring. I don’t snore. You made it sound like I snore.Jas: You do. It’s like sleeping with a human popcorn popper.Polly: TAKE THAT BACK.Jas: Or a car without a muffler. Oh, and P.S.—THIS IS MY SPACE AND MY STORY. Get back up there where you belong.Polly: You, Jas, are not the boss of me. And I do not snore.Jas: Is it nice on your cruise? On the river called DENIAL?Polly: You lie like a rug.Jas: You lie on your back. Maybe if you lay on your side you wouldn’t snore so—don’t even think about it. There are two BeDazzlers here, my friend, and I have the larger one. That’s right, step AWAY. Oh, yes. Farther. Good. Victory is mine!Polly: I’m not done with you.
Jas: Oooh, shaking.

³⁸Polly: No, Jas, you can NOT wear glitter eye shadow before noon. And just step away from that shirt. Is that—gasp—a CARE BEAR on the front?Jas: He has poofy ears. Look. Cute!Polly: I’m going to close my eyes and count to ten, and when I’m done, this will all have been a terrifying mirage. Okay, here we go. One, two, three—are you changing? I don’t hear the sounds of changing.

³⁹Jas: I am fully making that a Little Life Lesson.Polly: Too late. It’s one of mine.Jas: Can I use the one about no glitter eye shadow in the morning?Polly: Only if you recant what you said about me snoring.Jas: I will not sacrifice my journalistic integrity.Polly: Way to take a stand. I’m moved. But I’m still not giving in. (Or telling you if Jack was looking in your direction when you—never mind.)Jas: That’s okay, I’m totally over that. (Polly snores so loud, cows think it’s a mating call.)

⁴⁰Polly: Why are you making that face, Jas? Are you growling?Jas: Ha! Can’t you recognize the carefree laugh, the winning smile, a bit of savoir faire, when you encounter them?Polly: Have you begun taking some kind of medication I should know about?Jas: Oh, my funny little friend. I may bleed inside, but never fear, I will continue to display a Brave Face.Polly: Is that what you were doing? I thought it was some kind of vampire impression.Roxy: That little girl in the corner just started to cry.

⁴¹Polly: I would have expected better quality from John Varvatos. Buttons should not come off like that.Jas: Well, cross him off the list of designers to wear WHILE COMMITTING MURDER.Polly: Exactly.Jas: I meant that to sting.Polly: How nice for you.Roxy: Maybe the button was sewn on fine, but got caught on something.Polly: Good point. That would be better.Jas: I’m so pleased we got that settled.

⁴²Polly: It is not possible to use the word “cute” to modify “leg warmers.”

⁴³Polly: Ack! Unicorns! Make it stop! What did I ever do to you, Jas? WHAT???Jas: Ho ho ho, look who’s stinging now. Sting-y sting-y! Ouch ouch!Polly: I never thought of it before, but with your height and build, you are going to look SO CUTE in your straitjacket.

⁴⁴Polly: They don’t even make leg warmers with dolphins on them.Jas: Oh, how you are going to WUV your birthday present.

⁴⁵Tom: The button was in the backseat, right? Why was Jack back there?Roxy: Maybe he just took the jacket off for driving, to have more flexibility.Jas: You mean, like, for TRYING TO KILL ME?Roxy: Exactly. That means he’s a pro. Or at least someone who plans ahead.Jas: Ah, delightful. I’m so pleased. I wouldn’t want to be killed by a bad planner.Roxy: Good point. Jas, what is that shape you’re cutting your pancakes into?Jas: A coffin. For my hopes and dreams.Roxy: Oh. Well, are you going to eat it?

⁴⁶Polly: Jas, you’re making that face again. Can you cool it until we get up to the room?Roxy: I think the boy at the next table just wet his pants.

⁴⁷Tom: Um, Jas? I did not say “Abracadabra.”Jas: You said something like it.Tom: I said “ouch.”Jas: Poetic license. How did you get the lock open, anyway?Tom: It was totally simple. All I did was there is no reason you should be reading this because all this part should be under a big black box. If you’re seeing words and not a big black box, then pretend you’ ren’t. Big black box. Like the CIA cut it out. Oooh scary, CIA.Jas: Cool. So anyone could do it?Tom: Yes. Anyone with a song in their heart..

⁴⁸Polly: I’m sorry, did that say “willingly”? As in, adverb, English, meaning “to do something in a voluntary or agreeable manner”? I have let you slide on a lot of things, Jasmine “My friend Polly snores” Callihan, but I’m not going to let you lie about this.Jas: What? I totally did.Polly: My recollection is that you started screaming, “Eek, the phone! Get it away from me! I can’t talk to him. What will I say to him? Eek!”Roxy: You’re forgetting the part where Jas leaped backwards and tangoed a little with the wastebasket.Polly: Quite right. Thank you, Roxy.Jas: Yeah, thanks. The atmosphere is quite thin over there on Planet Polly and Roxy, isn’t it? Is that why you two are so delusional?Roxy: You’re also leaving out the part where Jas tried to hide under the table. And kept repeating to herself, “I am invisible. I am invisible. If I keep my eyes closed, I am INVISIBLE.”Polly: Indeed. “Cowering,” I think is the word that describes what she was doing.Roxy: That’s an advanced SAT prep word, isn’t it? Very nice.Polly: Thanks. Who would have guessed that our sweet Jas, who one time willingly jumped into the wild boar pit at the zoo during feeding time to retrieve a child’s balloon, would be afraid to talk to some boy?Jas: They were wildebeests. Their tusks are shorter. And I was just worried he wouldn’t remember who I was. I didn’t want it to be awkward for him.Polly: There’s no danger of that, precious. No one who saw you dancing on that stage in yourKermit panties will soon forget who you are. That I promise.Roxy: Snicker.Jas: Sometimes I really hate you guys.

⁴⁹Roxy: IS NOT ONE EITHER. I went over every inch of his sheets with the black light and I didn’t find one single piece of evidence that anyone besides Ivan slept there. Take it back, Jas. My Ivan is no slut. He is a chaste and true warrior.Jas: You’re scaring me, Roxy.Roxy: Are you going to take it back?Polly: (I’d do what she says, Jas. You know what happens when Roxy gets crossed. Remember that time at the mall when that woman said there were no such things as extraterrestrials, and Roxy decided to fashion a hand grenade out of a hot dog on a stick and an Orange Julius and we had to—)Jas: I take it back.

⁵⁰Roxy: I just know you weren’t thinking about anyone in particular there, Jas.Jas: How would I know that the Fabinator had blue satin jock-strap-plus-gun-holder undergarments? Unless, of course, I saw one sticking out of your pocket.Roxy: Nice try. It’s not in my pocket, it’s in my bra. Close to my heart.Jas: MY BRAIN! MY BRAIN IS BLEEDING. MAKE IT STOP.

⁵¹Polly: Methinks she doth protest too much.Roxy: Methinks so also.

⁵²Tom: What I still don’t understand, Jas, is why you had to carry him with your hand in the back pocket of his jeans. Is that an approved Girl Scout carry or something?Jas: I wanted it to look natural, like we were just strolling along. Him and me. And you, his conjoined twin.Tom: Oh. I’m sure we fooled everyone, then.

⁵³Jas: See? It worked.Tom: I am not sure you count as an objective observer.Polly: (Did he have a nice butt?)Jas: (I believe they have just dedicated a wing of the National Gallery to it, representing, as it does, complete artistic perfection in every way.)Tom: Is there a suggestion box? Because I don’t think you should be allowed to say things like that without warning people first. I mean, some people have weak stomachs.

⁵⁴Tom: Actually, Jas, it was more Jet Li.Jas: Really? I thought it was more Prince Charming Saving His Lady Love.Tom: I was, um, just, you know, doing what anyone would do.Jas: Are you blushing? TOM IS BLUSHING. You guys, come down here and check this out. Tom is blushing.Roxy: Jas, I think we have more important things to do. Have you noticed what is going on in your story? What is going on with Ivan? He was supposed to be one of the good guys, protecting Fiona. But he’s not! He must be working for Red Early. And even worse, did you see how the Evil Henches were clinging to him?Jas: Um, Roxy, I think—
Polly: Less chatting, more butt-kicking, everyone. Places, people.(Tom, that was really cool what you did. Thank you. I mean it, it was really amazing.)Tom: (It was nothing. Besides—)Polly: (Shhh. Just say “You’re welcome.”)Tom: (You’re welcome, Polly. Anytime.)

⁵⁵Roxy: Did someone mention pizza?Jas: No.

⁵⁶Roxy: There it is again!Jas: Not really.

⁵⁷Roxy: I knew it! I knew someone was talking about pizza!Jas: Only figuratively.Roxy: Can you talk about it literally? Because I don’t want to scare you or anything, but Lord of the Flies is beginning to seem less like a novel and more like a cookbook to me, if you get my drift.Jas: I think that is a drift I am going to steer clear of.Roxy: Mmmmm, steer.

⁵⁸Polly: Oh, you don’t have to worry about that, Jas. You are always très unintentionally amusing. I also like that little dance you are doing from side to side.Jas: It’s not a dance. I have to go to the bathroom.Polly: I’m not hearing that. I’m hearing dance.

⁵⁹Jas: Ah, young love. So idealistic. Don’t you think they are cute, Roxy?Roxy: I guess.Jas: I’m sorry, Roxy. It was thoughtless of me to bring that up while your own wound is still so fresh.Polly: Hello, ladies. Are you aware that there are people up there trying to have a conversation?Jas, you are being very rude to Red Early by whispering like this behind his back.Jas: Sheesh. Love-sick Teens are SO BOSSY.Polly: You take that back! I am not a—
Jas: Gee, I’d love to chat, but I’ve got to get back up to my story.

⁶⁰Jas: Are you okay, Rox? I’m really sorry he turned out to be a bad guy.Roxy: It’s just my luck. All the good men I like aren’t.Jas: Aren’t?Roxy: Either they aren’t good, or they aren’t men.Jas: Have you ever considered maybe you should look for another type?Roxy: You mean like Jack?Jas: No, for once I was actually not thinking about myself. I don’t know, maybe someone who shares your interests. Or someone your age.Roxy: I guess. Are you flossing?Jas: Yes. There’s nothing else to do. Want some?Roxy: Sure. I wish it were flavored, I’m starving. Do you think I would have to kill Alyson to get a piece of her Bubble Yum, or could we just hold her down and take it?Jas: I like the first idea best. Plus, it would be something to pass the time.Roxy: Yeah. But we could probably have more fun tormenting her while she’s alive.Jas: Good point.Roxy: So if Red isn’t the murderer, do you know who is?Jas: I might. I wish I could figure out why you would throw away two broken Oreos.Roxy: Is that one of those Zen questions? Or are you—ouch!Jas: Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Is that your sore heart?Roxy: No, it’s the shoulder Mr. Curtis banged into. What are you doing?Jas: You had something on your T-shirt.Roxy: Is it edible? PLEASE say it’s edible.Jas: It’s just some of those purple fibers from that car.Roxy: Maybe if I pretend they are grape flav—hey, look at Polly and Tom.Jas: No way! She’s sitting near him! Six inches closer and they’d be touching!Roxy: She’s probably only doing it because he’s in handcuffs, so it’s safe.Jas: Still, it’s a start. Maybe one day they can hold hands.Roxy: And after, like, a year, they could kiss.Jas: A year and a half.Roxy: Through a sheet.Polly: That’s not how I am! Plus, sheets hold a lot of germs. Do not roll your eyes at me, Jas.You’re more picky about the TV you watch than the boys you kiss.Roxy: And you watch a lot of bad TV.Jas: I just want practice for when I meet the One. And I do not watch bad TV, Girl Who HasSubscriptions to Tabloids.Roxy: Okay, Girl Who TiVos Maury Povich.Polly: Once I caught her flipping between Dr. Phil and Circle of Power Ministry at the same time. It was like no bad TV could satisfy her. I think Jas may be a bad TV hussy.Jas: Call me what you will, duckling. I interest myself in our modern culture, that is true. You can learn a lot from those shows. There is more human drama and pathos in one episode of Dr. Phil than—Veronique: Hi, you guys. What are you doing down here?Roxy: We’re working on an escape plan.Veronique: For real?Polly: Shhh, not so loud. Top secret.Veronique: I knew you’d be doing something cool. Can I be part of it? I want to help.Roxy: Do you have any special skills we should take into account when formulating our line of attack?Veronique: Well, I’m really good at macramé. You know, things with knots. If that helps.Polly: It does. We’ll definitely include some knots in our plan.

⁶¹Polly: Um, Jas? Punctuation alone doesn’t mean anything. You need words.Jas: Oh, really? Then why are you BLUSHING? Did you FEEL something?Polly: I’m sorry, I cannot hear you over the pleasant tunes I am humming to block out your untoward suggestions.Jas: I bet you felt his big, thick, smooth—Polly: STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!Jas:—wallet.Roxy: Heh. Good one.Polly: Never. That is when I will speak to you two again. Mark it on your calendars.

⁶²Polly: During which Polly felt NOTHING. No. Thing.Jas: Taht eveileb I erus.Roxy: Oot em sey.Polly: What?Jas: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we were playing backwards day, where we say everything the opposite of what we mean.Polly: Gniltrohc flesruoy truh t’nod uoy luferac eb.

⁶³Roxy: I can’t believe they really got cement blocks. I thought that was just in movies.Polly: I guess they work well because they’re easy to tie people to. I wonder how many each of us get. Do you think it’s better to sink fast or slow?Roxy: I think it’s better not to think about it at all. Didn’t Jas say she had a plan?Polly: She also said I was filet mignon.Veronique: Did you say there’s a plan? What should I do?Polly: If you see any opportunities at all to macramé anything, take them. TAKE THEM!Roxy: We’ll be counting on you.Veronique: Okay. What knot do you think I should do?Polly? Roxy?Wait up! Wait for me!

⁶⁴Roxy: But I thought he was on our side! He fought Ivan for our freedom.Tom: I knew that fight looked kind of staged. I bet he planned it when he made that call before getting into the Pink Pearl with us.Polly: That traitor! I can’t believe I let him ride in my van. He is in BIG trouble.

⁶⁵Roxy: So that is what Jas meant about throwing away a broken cookie!Polly: What are you talking about?Roxy: You were too busy making Fawn Eyes at Tom to hear it, but Jas was wondering why you would throw away a broken Oreo. It’s because you’d want the cookie to look absolutely one-hundred-percent normal if you drugged it. Which is why I always eat broken cookies. Perfection is suspicious.Polly: That explains a lot about your taste in men too. And by the way, I was not making Fawn Eyes at your brother.Roxy: Of course you weren’t, deer.

⁶⁶Roxy: Wait, is that true? Did she really leave a note?Polly: No, Rox. There is no note. Jas is lying out her ear holes.

⁶⁷Roxy: Is that tr—?Polly: No.

⁶⁸Roxy: Who is Adam Nightshade?Polly: It’s that guy Mr. Curtis the Big Evil Liar was telling us about on the way here. The blackmailer who was killed in Vegas. I’d totally forgotten.Roxy: But Jas didn’t! Way to go, Jas!Veronique: You guys, is this tr—?Polly/Roxy: No.

⁶⁹Veronique: You guys, is this tr—?Polly/Roxy: No.Veronique: Oh. Wow.

⁷⁰Polly: Wait, there WAS a note?Jas: Everyone knows you should summarize your case as you go along, and leave it somewhere people could find it if something should happen to you.Polly: You’re saying you really left a note? With fingerprints? But we had all the evidence with us.Jas: Not all of it. I left—are you hugging me?Polly: You are the beef, Jasmine Callihan.

⁷¹Polly: Did you see how Alex had her cuffs in a special pocket in her leather pants?Jas: I know!!! I want some pants like that so bad!!Roxy: And her wrist cuff was actually a walkie-talkie.Jas: No. Way.Polly: The bar on assignation chic has just been raised. Jas, prepare yourself for a whole new wardrobe.

⁷²Polly: This is a joke, right, Jas?Jas: Why would I joke about not having a superpower?Roxy: Because you totally have one, sweetie.Jas: I do? What is it?Polly: There’s dancing in Kermit underwear, of course.Jas: I’m serious. Just tell me what it is. Please?Polly: Hate to chat and run, but the band is about to start.Jas: Please? Superpower? Me? Please? Fine. Be like that. I don’t care anyway. At all.Roxy: That’s the spirit.Jas: TELL ME WHAT IT—Ouch! That thing you’re pulling on, Polly, is attached to my body. It’s called my arm. Okay, I’m coming.

⁷³Jas: Did you guys know about this? That Jack was in a band?Roxy: Not at first, I just thought he looked familiar. Then I saw a picture of the NASCAR Dads in Spin and I realized why.Polly: What are you doing down here? Get back up there. The band is about to start. Up up up!

⁷⁴Veronique: Saluton! That’s hello in Esperanto. Am I late? Did I miss the band? Hey, where is everyone? Jas? Roxy? Polly? Tommy?Hello?Saluton?Anyone?Drat.

⁷⁵FAKE zebra carpeting. No zebras were harmed in the carpeting of Michele’s office. You can all sleep easily now.