There were times when they had been together, that they had engaged in conversations every married couple discusses. Things like what do we name our kids? Where do we choose to live? Do we get a dog or cat or both? But the most mind-challenging question they had asked each other is what would you do if I died? If I went first, would you ever marry again? Would you ever be normal? Would you forget me?
Ellen remembered the night she and Joel had discussed that. It had been on their first anniversary and they’d probably had too much wine to make sound answers to such questions and just enough to respond honestly.
There had been traces of horror dancing in her mind when the idea that someone you loved so deeply could forget you. No one wanted to be forgotten. That would make us even more mortal. She’d even joked about coming back from the grave if he didn’t come to see her in the cemetery at least once a week. He’d laughed and told her not to worry. Men had a way bigger chance of dying before their spouses. That she was safe. And, then of course, the best answer of all. That she was unforgettable. That if something happened to her first he’d probably become a monk because there wasn’t anyone on the planet that could replace her.
The lovemaking that night had been the best they’d ever had. Her importance in his life had been the most amazing aphrodisiac.
None of that mattered now. His shitty way of leaving her had drowned out any thoughts of that once enchanting pedestal he’d enjoyed.
Instead, she stood outside the rundown apartment complex, the night air nipping at her ears and nose, staring at the front entrance guarded with yellow crime tape and two burly blues. Her thoughts far more concerned, now, with what had happened than their past married life. Still, he was her ex, if that truly meant anything.
Brice and Bella were talking to a small group of men and women near the ambulance. Its red lights flashed to an unintentional beat. A rhythm she had seen too many times in her life. She couldn’t help to wonder why Brice and Bella would talk to people in a group like that. Maybe they were renters from the building. Joel had always been a little shy so being part of a group had never really been something he’d enjoyed. At this point, it didn’t matter what she thought. They were great detectives and had their reasons.
After another moment of staring at the sidewalk, she stole a quick glimpse toward the front door of the building, wondering if she should go in. She only had to flash her badge and she’d be inside. That wasn’t the real question though, was it? She could handle blood and guts and beer, but how about when it was someone she’d lived with for almost ten years? Someone she’d once loved.
Seeing her partner’s, Oscar’s, ravaged body had been one of the worst things she’d experienced, yet she’d done it. And she had cared for him. Not really true with Joel.
A line from an old song came to her.
If you loved someone, didn’t you always love them?
Maybe. But love can dissolve, given ample reason. She and he were a living example of that. At any rate, what she now felt for Joel wasn’t love so much as compassion. Yes, she’d known him for years, but they weren’t in each other’s lives. They had become estranged on every level. The man she’d met and fell in love with was long gone. That brought a tinge of sadness. Then the sadness was gone. Love lost, that was all.
With one more push, the last remnants of positive emotion she’d carried for Joel submerged into her private persona and she stepped fully into Ellen Harper, FT and CSU investigator.
As she reached for the crime scene kit sitting at her feet, there was a touch at the elbow of her leather jacket.
“Do you need a hug?”
She smiled. “Sure.”
He gathered her in his arms and Ellen liked how it felt even at her age. It was good to have a little protection from the Boogey Man. That’s what dads do.
Her emotion rose. Maybe she wasn’t quite ready to march in that apartment after all.
“I’m sorry I had to tell you that way, Ellie. I knew you’d not let me off until I did,” said Big Harv, his gravelly voice as soft as she could recall.
“It’s okay, Dad. I’m glad you did. It gave me time to digest what had happened. I’m good.”
Big Harv released her and stepped back. “Yeah, I knew you would be. But I don’t get to hug you that much.”
She reached over and kissed him on the cheek. “You can hug me anytime you want, Old Man.”
“Thanks, I think.”
“You’re welcome. So, what happened? Is this like the others?”
“Like I told you on the phone. It could be. Obviously, this is the young woman’s apartment. A Cheryl Jackson. It looks like all three were killed here. So that might be different than the other four. But that’s a job for the CPD to figure out, not a private dick.”
Murders in twos were rare, even in Chicago. Never mind in threes.
She grabbed a big breath. “I know. But everyone still respects what you think.”
“Maybe. I’m just not official anymore.”
“That doesn’t mean you don’t know what the hell’s going on. Does anyone know why he was here?”
“I can answer that for you, officer.”
Ellen turned to see an older gentleman with silver hair standing a few feet away. There was no ignoring the air of authority surrounding him. Some people commanded attention, and he was one. Even in the veiled light from the street and building lights, she could tell that much.
He was flanked by two younger men, both with their hands crossed in front of them in a semi-submissive pose.
Just then, finished with their group interview, Brice and Bella walked to her and stood to her left.
The thinner of the two younger men had bloodstains on the front of his tan jacket. She suspected he was the one who found the bodies.
“Wait. Before you hear what he has to say, I have to know if you’re thinking of working this crime scene,” asked Brice, his hand on her bicep.
She began to answer, then stopped.
Of course she wanted to work this one. But there was no avoiding the elephant in the room. That was her ex’s body lying in that apartment.
Her department also had a couple rules she had to consider. One was not to overload anyone, including her, with too much fieldwork. Lab tests and case reviews were one thing. Spending hours at a scene was another. It was far more exhausting than most people believed. Not to mention the possible emotional reactions that could cause her to make errors in processing, even if they had been divorced.
Staring at the black kit at her feet, she ran the situation over in her mind one more time, then made her decision.
“No, I’m not going to work it. I’ll put my ego aside and get Marci’s team to do it. If these murders are related, and who doesn’t think they are, then the investigation needs to be consistent. And she was first on scene for the other two. I can help in the lab and review their work.”
“I think that’s a good call Ellie. All the way around. You might make top management yet,” said Bella, smiling.
“I don’t want that kind of job, and what else can I do? Besides, I need to hear what this man has to say. I can’t do that inside.”
“Another good call,” Bella answered.
Ellen looked back to the older man. “Okay, I’m all ears.”
The man moved within touching distance of her. “Most people refer to me as The Father. I work for God. I do what He tells me, the best I can, and together we change lives.”
“That’s noble, I mean, really, but what does that have to do with this, Father?”
“Well, my child, that help isn’t the kind of help associated with helping old ladies and dogs across a busy Chicago street. We go far deeper. We help rehabilitate addicts who have decided it’s time to make a change that can’t be made on their own. We help those who are at their very wit’s end.”
“So Joel was helping you with this?” she asked, feeling a little uneasy.
“Not exactly.”
His piercing blues eyes had her complete attention, even in the semi-light.
“He came to me today because he was addicted to heroin. He wanted to get clean.”
“What? Joel? Addicted to heroin? The man hated the idea of pain pills and cold medicine. He was squeamish when he had to get a shot. You have the wrong guy.”
Those eyes stayed on her. “I’ve seen your reaction a thousand times or more from loved ones and friends. I assure you, FT Harper, Joel did come to meet with me today. His demonic addiction had rendered him virtually helpless. He’d hit rock bottom. Something most of us do before we have the courage to ask for help.”
His words rang true, even as much as she wanted to deny any truth in them. Denial wasn’t something she was unfamiliar with, but there was no real doubt in what The Father had said. She felt that much.
Ellen rubbed her face with both hands. How many nights had she sat on her couch with Mulder purring away in her lap and a bottle of rum in her hand wishing every plague that had smacked Egypt around, and a few more things, would happen to Joel? She’d wanted his dick to fall off. His life to go straight to hell like Ellen’s had. To feel true pain on every level. She’d even tried to help that process along at their last meeting in the liquor store.
Yet, she never thought of him as someone out of control, especially an addict. Everyone has something, but his mental complexion didn’t seem to add up to that one.
“I never suspected that from him. Although we hadn’t had much contact over the last year, so how would I really know?”
“As you’ve no doubt thought, circumstance and regret can change someone, drastically.”
The man stepped even closer to her. There was a sadness in those eyes she hadn’t noticed before. She suddenly realized he was the real deal. He cared for the folks he wanted to help. Truly cared.
“Obviously, I know of your past with Joel. More often than not, I don’t have the opportunity to meet who my children have offended. He told me, FT Harper, that he was going to be a better man. And that he was going to do what was necessary to right the worst wrong in his life. He wanted you to think well of him, if you could find it in your heart.”
Ellen shifted her weight, fighting tears.
Now he wanted to set things right?
“He knew it would be difficult if not impossible to get your forgiveness, but he was going to try. I want you to know that.”
The tears found their path. She turned away and walked toward her white van and stopped, staring at her boots.
Forgiveness was such a hypocritical word. People said it all of the time, then hung on to the very situation or perceived wrong like a child clutching their special blanket. It was as if they didn’t think they could function without the bitterness and hate. She understood. She had done the same thing. Still was on some levels. It had gotten worse for her, initially, because her anger was different than internalized bitterness. She’d hit people and said things that she wanted to take back before the words had died in the air, lashing out instead of keeping the anger in. She’d drank too much and fueled her own lack of self-esteem in a hundred other ways.
All of that made the idea of forgiving Joel for what he’d done right up there with walking on the sun.
But now, hearing what The Father had said, that walk didn’t seem so far-fetched. Everyone made mistakes and only God knew where she would be if people hadn’t forgiven her. Big Harv. Bella. Oscar. Aaron. And even Brice, to an extent.
They had all helped her to change, to come around to a different purpose. She wasn’t totally there and maybe never would make it completely, but she was beginning to understand that loving someone was a more comforting blanket than bitterness and hate. Even if those things were deserved.
Shit. Could there be a worse time for some damned epiphany? She wiped at her eyes. Then again, maybe this was the best time.
It took a few moments to build up her internal steel, then she went back to where The Father stood.
“Thank you. I’ll need more time to sort that out, but it’s good to know just the same.”
He nodded, an electric smile accenting his rugged face. “Life is filled with steps and choices, Ellen Harper. I pray you’ll find the wisdom to make the right ones.”
“Me too.”
The Father placed his hand on his companion with the blood on his jacket. “Now. I know you people have work to do, but Henry has information to share with you and I must get back to my people. We’ve lost enough of them today.”
Ellen’s ears perked up. Work was always better than emotional chaos for her, especially now. She was more than glad to shift gears. “About these murders?”
“Yes. Henry?”
Henry looked at The Father, at the ebony face of the man who had brought The Father to the apartment building, then at Brice and Bella.
“Go ahead. We always ask you to repeat what happened anyway,” said Brice.
Henry exhaled. “Yes sir. Ma’am. You’ve no doubt noticed the blood on my jacket. I think some of it came from inside when we-we found Glen and Cheryl and Joel. I’m sorry if I tainted your crime scene. I-I really was overcome with emotion. I’d never seen anything like that. Not even when I was walking on the wild side of addiction.”
The man glanced over to The Father. “I may have run into the killer, literally.”
“Explain,” said Brice.
Henry touched something under his shirt and then began to speak with a disquieting calm. Ellen’s first reaction to his demeanor was that he’d been trained well in the art of speaking under duress, but she also knew that people possessed a full spectrum of reactions and defense mechanisms to extreme trauma.
“Glen was keeping up with me, then his knee began to hurt. I went ahead of him, after making sure he was fine. We were running out of time to get back to the service with Cheryl and Joel, and I was a little worried why they hadn’t shown up. So I was in a hurry. A minute later as I came around the corner…” He pointed in a direction past Ellen’s right shoulder. “I ran directly into a man and went down. Both of us did. He had blood on his jacket. I could have gotten some of these stains from him, I guess.” Again, he deliberately pointed out the stains on his coat.
Ellen continued to study him.
“I was out of it for a second. I think I hit my head on the sidewalk and saw stars. The next thing I knew Glen was standing over me trying to get me to come around. I remember trying to get up but couldn’t right away. I told Glen to go see if Cheryl and Joel were okay and that I’d get there.”
“Why did you say that to Glen?” asked Brice. He’d stolen the words right out of her mouth.
Henry didn’t blink. “The blood on this guy, I guess. I just felt something was wrong.”
Brice nodded and motioned for him to continue. She could tell he was giving Henry a close look as well. Again, people handled this type of situation differently so they needed to wait for him to finish to get the total picture.
“I tried to get up again and had to sit back down. Finally, I was able to clear my head and went to the apartment building.”
“How long was that?” asked Ellen.
He shrugged. “Maybe five or ten minutes total. I’m not really sure.”
“I can understand that,” said Brice. “Keep going.”
“After I got up, I felt a little steadier and walked to the apartment. I got there and went inside. The door was open and I-I saw all of them on the floor. Looking like-like that.”
Their witness bowed his head and covered his face with his hands.
Brice looked at Ellen, then to Bella, then to Big Harv, then back to Ellen and nodded his go ahead.
From that action alone, she could tell that each of them thought there might be a hole or two in Henry’s story. But maybe not as big as the one Ellen was about to ask about. She stepped toward him. “Henry. I know this is difficult for you. I’m feeling some of that emotion, too. But I have a question for you.”
He looked up at her. “Yes, anything, Miss Harper.”
She caught The Father’s frown out of the corner of her eyes. It wasn’t the frown of disapproval or even anger. It was more of the thoughtful kind. Like he too was questioning his convert.
“Henry, you said you got the blood on your coat after you ran into the man on the corner, right?”
“Yes, that’s right. At least I think so.”
“Then you sent Glen onto the apartment while you gathered your wits.”
“Yes.”
“Okay. What I don’t understand is how could the man that ran into you have blood on his jacket when Glen was still alive?”
Henry’s eyes darted back and forth, obviously very uncomfortable. “I don’t know. Maybe he followed Glen back to the apartment. Or maybe there was more than one killer?”
Henry bent down, keeping his eyes downcast. As he did, she saw the silver cross fall out from around his neck.