Answering the biggest question young Christians ask: “How far can I go?”
During high school I had a serious girlfriend. We dated for almost a year and we spent every possible moment together. We started as friends, but that quickly escalated to something more.
I waited about a month to kiss her for the first time. I won’t bore you with the details, but within a few months, it wasn’t uncommon for our time together to include long make-out sessions.
Something began happening. The more time we spent making out, the more difficult it was to stop it from going further.
You probably know exactly what I’m talking about.
It’s almost as if God’s design is that once you start passionately kissing . . . you want to keep going!
This is where the inevitable question is asked:
How far can we go?
It’s the biggest question Christians in relationships are forced to wrestle with almost every day.
Some couples never discuss it. This is the surest way to fail. Just hope it doesn’t progress. Any couple who has dated for any length of time and gets alone will quickly discover that kissing leads to passionate embraces, which evolve to groping . . . until soon it takes a dad with a shotgun to stop things from progressing further!
Those couples who do address the question usually are searching for a line. If they’ve read the Bible at all and studied some of the verses we’ve already addressed in this book, they know that sex is for marriage. But what is sex? Sex is just intercourse, right?
So the search for “the line” begins.
Some people will allow touching above the waist, others allow touching below the waist. Some will even allow oral sex, because it’s not sex, right? Even though it has the word sex in it.
Some come up with a viable solution, rubbing against each other with clothes on. The term I always heard was dry humping. I think couples feel a little less guilty with this one because there is no actual touching of hands to skin . . . although couples who engage in this activity can actually bring each other to climax.
This is getting a little explicit and uncomfortable for some of us reading, but these are the lines that young people search for. And most of them figure it out on their own . . . because very few Christians talk about it explicitly.
So most will continue to wonder, How far is too far?
Loopholes
When I was in high school, I was one of the believers in “no sex until marriage.” But everything else was fair game.
Oh, I didn’t truly believe that. In all honesty, in the back of my mind I figured that oral sex was probably wrong, and I didn’t even allow myself to consider the morality of any “below the waist” activity.
So during those years I made sexual decisions using blurred lines and messy morality. I “kind of” knew some of it was wrong, but I definitely didn’t know where the line was.
Whenever we talked about sex in youth group, I was curious. In hindsight, I think I was looking for a stamp of approval more than anything else. Like a Pharisee, I wanted to see a list of do’s and don’ts . . . and look for a loophole. I had a talent for finding loopholes. (I should have been a lawyer.)
I remember hearing sex talks where they told me that “petting” was bad. I can barely type that word without shuddering. Man, that word is awkward. But for some reason youth workers in the eighties used it. “Don’t do it,” they told us. But I never heard a good explanation for why, other than the fact that the girl’s dad would find out and hunt me down (which is a pretty compelling reason, I might add).
So I remember walking away from these discussions thinking, Okay, no hands touching below the waist.
But “dry humping” was fair game!
A loophole!
No one ever taught me the explicit truth. And yes, the Bible is very explicit on the subject.
So please allow me to say something again, something I’ve been repeating all through the book. We need to talk about this explicitly with our kids. Our kids are hearing explicit lies, and we’re the ones who can tell them the explicit truth.
So how can we help our kids answer the question, “How far can I go?”
Try talking about baseball.
Sex Is a Process
Sex isn’t just intercourse. It starts way before that. Consider the proverbial baseball analogy.
“I got to third base with her.”
If you can reflect back to a time when you were in a middle school boys’ locker room or sat at a table in the school cafeteria surrounded by your friends, you’ve probably heard about the bases.
Of course there is no reference book. The bases were just explained to us on the playground some day when we were young.
Second base is touching above the waist.
Third base is touching below the waist, and maybe includes oral sex in most circles.
A home run is “going all the way” or “intercourse,” to use the scientific term.
Maybe we didn’t hear about the bases all at once, but we’ve heard them referred to.
The analogy is actually pretty good, because in baseball you round the bases; you don’t just run straight to third. A guy usually doesn’t walk up to his girlfriend and just stick his hands down her pants. If so, he’ll be slapped and called a pig.
We have an official term for rounding the bases: foreplay.
As you know, sex isn’t just intercourse. Sex is a process that starts with passionate kissing, progresses to embracing, touching . . . and eventually ends with intercourse.
Lovers never start with intercourse. It’s impossible, really. The body doesn’t work like that. A rapist goes straight to intercourse, and not only hurts a woman emotionally because of the lack of consent, but most often does all kinds of damage physically because her body wasn’t ready for it.
So why all these graphic details?
Because it’s important for our teens to understand sexuality and how the body works. Sex is a beautiful process that begins with foreplay and peaks at intercourse. Help your kids understand this process. (I go through these same examples in my book to teens, Sex Matters.)
Why Is It So Difficult to Stop?
Anyone who has been alone with someone they are attracted to and allowed the process to start knows that it is like trying to stop a raging fire!
So why is it so difficult to stop?
Because it’s not supposed to be stopped!
The truth is, God made this process so that when a husband sees his wife wearing something sexy, his motor starts running. They kiss and embrace. Soon, his pulse will accelerate, his penis will grow erect (keeping it in scientific terms), and her vagina will start to lubricate naturally. They might touch each other intimately, caressing various parts of the body, places no other person touches, places reserved for a husband and a wife. Eventually the man will insert his penis into her vagina, and the two will eagerly move in a motion that provides stimulation to both male and female until one or both climax.
The whole process is amazing and euphoric . . . and yes, a little awkward to talk about. After all, it is an intimate act designed for a husband and wife to share privately.
So why the human anatomy and sexuality lesson?
We need to help our kids understand that this process is for marriage. The entire process is only for marriage.
I can hear it now. “What? Are you saying kissing is only for marriage?”
I’ve heard that question. I’ve heard it from the boy who was just like me, the boy who wants to know the exact line so he can find a loophole. Some kids might as well ask us to provide them a list of what you can and can’t do.
The Legalist’s List
Kissing—yes
Hugging—yes
Hand to fully clothed breasts—no
Hand to genitals—no
Big toe to kneecap—as long as you are wearing socks
Jumping rope—sounds fun, so no
This is ridiculous. Whenever we start making up lists of rules, we tend to look less like Jesus and more like the Pharisees. The Pharisees made huge lists and were still corrupt. Don’t provide your kids with a list. Do them one better. Teach them how to understand truth and make wise decisions based on good information.
The truth is, God wants us to share the intimate process of sex within marriage. We learned that in the last chapter. No one who has even a remedial understanding of Scripture would argue that. The argument always arises with “How far can I go?”
Don’t Start the Process
I just proposed that unmarried couples shouldn’t even begin the process.
“Prove it!” I would have declared when I was a teenager.
Okay. Exhibit A: Jesus’ teaching on lust.
Remember this passage from the last chapter? Jesus himself addressed lust, labeling it just as sinful as adultery.
You have heard the commandment that says, “You must not commit adultery.” But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Matthew 5:27–28
Do you know any young man who can lie on top of his girlfriend, passionately kiss her and grope her breasts (second base) . . . and not lust?
Seriously. What is going through this guy’s mind at the moment? Is he thinking about feeding homeless people? Is he thinking about his math homework? Not a chance.
His mind is 110 percent focused on her body and how much he wants it. Everything within him wants to go further.
It’s hard to deny this kind of excitement, because the body will evidence the excitement in so many ways. God designed it perfectly so. When a couple gets into an intimate situation, heartbeats quicken, adrenaline flows through the bloodstream, the penis hardens, and the vagina gets wet. The human bodies start preparing for one of the greatest physical pleasures imaginable, an intimate bond that a husband and wife can share uniquely together. Dopamine rushes through the brain, stimulating even greater pleasure, and oxytocin is secreted by the posterior pituitary gland, inspiring greater bonding.
The bodies get excited and begin this sexually intimate process that prepares them for intercourse. This whole process is a good thing when you are married. At the same time, this is something we shouldn’t initiate before we’re married.
I think of the classic show Everybody Loves Raymond. In one episode, Raymond was walking around in his boxers while cleaning the house, and his wife, Debra, walked into the room, noticed him cleaning, and got turned on. (Yes, that is the key to a woman’s heart. Get off your butt and do something around the house!) She walked up to him, whispered in his ear, and began kissing him passionately.
Suddenly, she heard a sound upstairs from the kids and stopped her sexual advance. Frustrated with Debra, Raymond exclaimed, “What are you doing?! You can’t stop. You already initiated the launch sequence!”
That’s the best advice we can give our kids.
Don’t even initiate the launch sequence.
No, I’m not telling our kids they can’t kiss. In fact, I often word it the same way I worded it in my advice to guys in my book The Guy’s Guide to God, Girls, and the Phone in Your Pocket: “Don’t do anything with your girlfriend you wouldn’t do in front of your grandmother.”
It’s like this: You’re a teenage guy and your family throws a big dinner for your birthday, inviting the entire extended family and your girlfriend. After dinner you open presents. Your girlfriend gives you a really nice gift and you lean over and give her a kiss in front of everyone. She blushes, the adults smile, and your little brother exclaims, “Ew, gross!”
Sounds innocent.
Now picture the exact same scenario, same crowd, same present from the girlfriend . . . but this time, when you lean over and kiss her, you start becoming a little more passionate. Instead of just kissing her, you crawl on top of her and start kissing her neck and breathing heavy.
Who would do this?
Chances are Dad might spray you with the garden hose!
Why wouldn’t a teenage guy do this in front of Grandma and the whole family?
Perhaps because it’s . . . intimate. And intimate situations like this usually progress to something else. The world teaches us, Who cares if it progresses to something else? But God’s design is that intimate situations like this are really reserved for two people who have committed to each other for life in marriage.
The Wrong Question
I commonly hear young people ask, “How far is too far?” That’s like asking me, “How close to the fire can I get without getting burned?” Sadly, the only way to find out is to get burned.
News flash: We don’t have to learn everything in life the hard way.
So whenever a young couple asks me, “How far should we go?” I respond, “You’re asking me the wrong question.”
The better question is, “How far can we stay away?”
Let’s look at the situation. From what we’ve discussed so far, most of us have concluded a few things:
With these things in mind, encourage your kids to ask, “How can I be successful in saving myself for my spouse?”
Sex is a huge temptation for young people today, and not just couples, but anyone:
The world is screaming “Just do it!” And our kids’ bodies aren’t always disagreeing.
The biggest issue many young people are going to have to address is, Do I want to live for the truth and make godly choices, or live for the quick thrill of the moment?
Those who want to stay pure need to realize the draw of sexual temptation and avoid it at all costs.
Maybe that’s why the Bible often uses the word flee.
Fleeing
Sometimes I use the following illustration when talking about fleeing.
Fact: Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
How many of you are going to store your toothbrush just five feet away? It’s only a foot shorter than the dentist recommends. Maybe only a few urine particles will splash onto your toothbrush.
How many of you are going to store it right next to the toilet by the toilet paper roll? You could build a little shelf right there.
How many of you want to hang it by a string in the toilet bowl so that it is practically rinsed every time you flush?
The thing about the subject of sexual temptation that always amuses me is the amount of risk people are willing to take. Actually, using the word risk isn’t accurate. The thing about this subject that always amuses me is how stupid we are willing to be just to fulfill an urge.
Sadly, people often leave their brains at home when they embark on sexual decisions. It’s foolish to wait until we’re in a sexual situation to decide what we’re going to do. Almost any person is going to choose sex when in the situation. It’s the way God wired us.
So maybe we should listen to the Bible’s advice and “flee” sexual immorality and lustful pleasures.
If we’re told that we shouldn’t put our toothbrush within six feet of the toilet because of airborne particles . . . most of us will probably store our toothbrush about twenty feet away if possible. Why? Because the thought of poop fumes or pee splashes wandering onto our toothbrushes is not acceptable!
There is a principle here: If we discover danger to be within a certain proximity, we avoid that proximity completely.
Why don’t we do that with sexual temptation? We determine we don’t even want to start the process . . . then we go and put ourselves in situations where the process not only starts, but it’s hard to stop!
Why flirt with disaster?
Help your kids understand God’s design. They need to be careful not to initiate launch sequence. Encourage them to save the amazing process of sex for marriage, and “flee” sexual temptation.
We’ll talk a little more about what fleeing actually looks like day-to-day in chapter 8, but first let’s look at some specifics about each gender.