Figure: 13.1.
CREDIT: O’SULLIVAN SOLUTIONS
MANY OF THE CONFLICTS that present at mediation are a result of parties’ ingrained patterns of behavior, which do not always serve the purpose for which they were intended. Reflective Connecting questions explore connections between actions and outcomes, patterns of behavior and cycles of conflict, both interpersonally and in the broader context in which the conflict operates. These questions bring clarity, relevance, understanding and a new perspective to a conflict.
When you make connections and links between various facets of a conflict, you broaden and expand the thinking of both parties. Reflective Connecting questions raise awareness of patterns and cycles of conflict, deconstruct this cycle and then reconstruct a more helpful approach for the parties. These questions allow parties to step back, gain perspective and reflect on alternative options and actions.
Relationship questions that draw connections between relationships and behavior, feelings, beliefs and meanings can create significant new understanding, and thus provide the impetus for change.
— Jac Brown,44 Director of the Australian Institute for Relationship Studies
These questions are used:
✓ When parties are blaming each other without being able to see how their own behavior impacts the continuation of this conflict cycle
✓ When parties display patterns or cycles of negative behavior with each other; when the actions of one party sparks the actions of the other, leading to an intensification of the cycle
✓ When parties do not see the link between their actions and resulting outcomes and continue to employ the same behavior, expecting different results
✓ When a party is unaware that their actions do not operate in a vacuum, but can impact the broader system
Reflective Connecting questions are constructed by taking any part of the conflict being discussed and asking questions about how one aspect of the conflict connects with another.
Simply ask: How does X connect with Y?
The steps for working with patterns or cycles of conflict are:
1. Raise awareness about the pattern or cycle of conflict by bringing attention to it
2. Reflect on the patterns or cycles of conflict
3. Create insight and deconstruct the patterns or cycles of conflict
4. Reconstruct healthy patterns and agree on actions
1. Interpersonal Cycles of Conflict
Where a spiral of conflict has developed and the actions of each party are influenced by the actions or reactions of the other party, then a pattern develops that creates a continuation of the conflict cycle. Each party starts to blame the other party for everything that happens and says that they would not have taken this action if the other person had not done something to them first.
Examples of questions:
a) Raise awareness about the pattern or cycle of conflict by bringing attention to it
Mediator asks:
Both of you say that every day there is a new complaint from one of you about the other, but that this conflict is the fault of the other. May I ask you both some questions about this pattern or cycle that may have developed between you, please?
b) Reflect on the patterns or cycles of conflict
■ When one of you makes a complaint about the other, what happens next? And then what happens? In what way do each of your responses determine what the other party does next?
■ And how does this connect with what happens next?
■ How does what each of you does affect (i) the direction of the conflict,
(ii) its continuation, (iii) its intensification?
c) Create insight by deconstructing the patterns or cycles of conflict
■ What are you trying to achieve when you make a complaint about the other? How does the outcome connect with what you really need? How helpful/unhelpful might this be for both of you?
■ How does this impact on each of you? Can you both tell me a little more about what each of you may be worried about should the conflict continue?
■ If you were each to imagine you were on a balcony looking down at what happens between you, what might you observe?
■ What are the commonalities in the way you each approach this and react? What are the differences? What might be the pattern that may have developed between the two of you?
■ How does the approach you use with each other compare to your usual approach when you are in conflict?
■ What is the connection between what you are doing and your beliefs about how people manage conflict?
d) Reconstruct healthy patterns and agree on actions
■ If you were to reflect on all you have both just said, what might be your conclusion?
■ What would happen if you broke the connection between what each of you does and how the other reacts? What would that give you?
■ What would happen if you connected with a different response, what outcomes might result?
■ What do each of you need to do to break the connection between what one of you does and how the other party responds?
■ How would that connect with what you both say you really need?
■ If this was to work well, how would each of you describe it? What would it look like to each of you? What could you offer to each other to ensure it looks like this?
■ What will you do if you see yourself lapsing into a pattern like this again?
■ What might you decide to do from now on? How will you manage it so that it works for you?
2. The Broader System in Which the Conflict Exists
These questions facilitate parties to see how their conflict connects, not only with their patterns of behavior or the conflict cycle that has developed between them, but also with the broader environment in which they work. They help parties to see that their conflict does not occur in a vacuum and that their continuation of the conflict, or indeed their resolution of the conflict, will have an impact on the rest of staff.
Examples of questions:
a) Raise awareness about the pattern or cycle of conflict by bringing attention to it
Mediator asks:
Ivan and Jack, you mention that this conflict between you has gone on for many months now... and that the staff are aware of what is happening between you… and that they have broken into two factions, with each side mainly supporting their own manager …
b) Reflect on the patterns and cycles of conflict
■ What might staff say about the general atmosphere in the café?
■ What do you think the staff see during these incidences?
■ What connections might staff notice about how you respond to each other?
c) Create insight and deconstruct the patterns or cycles of conflict
■ How do you think staff interpret what is happening? What assumptions might they make? What might they conclude? What do they do then?
■ How does the behavior that you two engage in with each other connect with how members of staff behave with each other?
■ What do you think staff may be most concerned about? What might be their biggest concern?
■ How does this conflict impact on them?
■ How does this conflict impact on the business? What could be the longterm damage?
d) Reconstruct healthy patterns and decide action
■ What might staff need from each of you? What could you both agree to offer them?
■ What will each of you do if a member of staff comes to you and blames the other manager for something that has happened?
■ If something like this happens between you two again, how will each of you manage it? What could you promise to each other?
■ What do you need to communicate to staff after this mediation? How will this be done?
■ What if staff ask each of you privately about what happened in mediation, what response could you agree to give them?