B
y the time I reach the bookshop after my shift at the diner, my eyes are burning with fiery tears. I inhale several shaky breaths in a vain attempt to ebb the flow, but they continue to scorch an agonizing trail down my cheeks.
They splatter across my blouse, leaving dark stains on the soft fabric. Get it together!
I mentally scold myself. How am I supposed to read to a room full of children if I can’t keep my composure for five lousy minutes?
The weight of the day, of my situation these past few weeks, crushes down on me. It feels as if the universe itself has turned against me, and I’m helpless to do anything about it.
My shift at the diner was horrendous. Patrons kept screaming at me. I barely made any tips. To top it off, my boss said that if I’m late one more time, I’ll be fired.
This was the only job I found with a flexible enough schedule that I could work around the boys’ school schedule and the kids’ corner shift at the bookshop. If I lose it, I don’t know what I’ll do.
Without a job, I won’t be able to support Lucas and Liam. If that happens, they’ll be taken away and put into foster care. I won’t let that happen. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t.
Wiping my face with a ragged tissue I find in the glovebox, I force myself to calm down. I don’t want to give Rachel a reason to question if I’m capable of continuing on as the story time reader. I refuse to screw things up here, as well.
Stepping out of the car, I steel my shoulders, plaster a pained smile across my face, and walk into the shop. Heather looks up from her place behind the register and smiles warmly when she sees me.
My smile clearly isn’t fooling her, as her features morph into a look of concern. “Is everything alright?” She asks.
“Great. Everything is great.” I lie.
She opens her mouth to say more, but I beat her to it, not wanting to spread my problems around the shop. “How’s everything going here? Any new gossip I should know about?”
“Well, since you mention it.” She leans across the counter, lowering her voice in a conspiratorial manner. Her eyes dart around the room before meeting my gaze. “Lucille got some really big news earlier. She left in a rush a few days ago and hasn’t been back since. No one’s sure what’s going on.”
“I heard she’s some kick ass secret agent and got sent on a mission to assassinate the leader of a terrorist organization that’s planning to destroy the world.”
“Oh my god!” Heather gasps in mock horror, as we both turn to look at Cody. “Where in the world did you hear something like that?”
Cody pulls her beanie down lower over her ears, and shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly. “Oh, you know. People talk.”
“What people?” Asks Jess as she sidles up beside me.
“People.” Cody insists, her gaze bouncing between the three of us. “You all don’t think I do anything around here, but I hear everything. I’m privy to all the ins and outs of this place.”
“I could go for some ins and outs right about now,” says Abbie wiggling her eyebrows up and down. I hadn’t noticed her walk over.
“That was terrible, Abbie.” Jess tries to scold, but the giggles bubbling from her lips dull the admonition.
“Thank you, I try.” Abbie replies.
“Maybe Lucille had a secret lover, and she got a call that her lover passed away in a tragic accident. Now her heart is irreparably broken. She’ll never love again, doomed always to wonder, what if,” Jess exclaims with all the drama and intensity only a writer can possess.
“I bet,” Heather begins, but is interrupted as Rachel appears at the counter.
“Ladies, I’m sure there’s some kind of work you could be doing instead of standing around the register gossiping like a bunch of old hens.” There’s a twinkle in her eye as she says this, and I get the feeling that it’s more about giving Lucille her privacy than anything else.
“It’s just that no one really knows much about her,” says Heather.
“If she wants us to know, then she’ll tell us. In the meantime, we have plenty of work to keep us busy,” Rachel states.
I follow her as she heads past the register to her office. “Rachel, can I speak with you for a minute?”
“Sure, love, come on in.” She motions for me to follow her into the office.
“Don’t come too hard.” Abbie’s voice trails behind me. “Or do,” she giggles.
I look back to see Jess swat Abbie’s arm playfully. “You are so bad.”
“That girl. I don’t know what I’m going to do with her,” Rachel says as she closes the door behind us.
“I just wanted to remind you that I need to leave in between kids’ corner readings so I can pick up Liam and Lucas from school.”
“That’s fine.” She must notice the uncertainty on my face, because she adds, “How are you holding up?”
“I’m good,” I lie.
“I know it can’t be easy. Having your life turned completely upside down. It’s a big job raising kids. Even when you’ve had time to plan ahead, it can take a toll mentally and physically. When you don’t have any preparation time and they’re just dropped in your lap suddenly…” She lets the sentence hang in the air, unfinished.
“We’ll be okay,” I whisper.
“If you need any help, please don’t hesitate to ask. We’re all here for you.”
“Thank you,” I say, but I don’t want to unload my problems on her. She has her own set of struggles to deal with. All of us here at the bookstore are struggling in one way or another. It wouldn’t be fair for me to burden the others with my mess of a life.
As the kids filter into the shop, their happy faces and laughter send slices of pain through my chest. I can’t help but to envy the mothers and nannies that come in with them. They all appear so happy, so unburdened. None of them are struggling the way I am.