‘Nana and I need to talk to you for a minute,’ Lauren said, gesturing for Ella to sit down beside her on the couch.
‘Why? What’s wrong?’
‘Go on, darling,’ I told her. She threw me a probing glance, but I said no more.
‘It’s about Grandad,’ Mum said.
‘I really miss him.’
‘We all do. You know that Auntie Lauren and I are both here for you whenever you want to talk about things, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ Lauren added. ‘It doesn’t matter whether it’s about Grandad, your father or even just how you’re feeling. Whatever you need, we’re always here. We’ve all been through a lot lately, but we realize it must be especially hard on you.’
Ella stared at the ground, on the verge of tears.
I watched in silence as Mum and Lauren told her about Dad’s suicide, thankfully minus the gory details. Did I agree it was necessary? Just about, although I found myself questioning the likelihood of her finding out from someone else. What responsible adult would drop the fact that her grandfather had killed himself into a conversation? And yet there was a chance that another child might get wind of it, perhaps by overhearing their parents talking – and I wouldn’t want Ella finding out that way. I remembered only too well the cruel playground taunts of that nasty girl Kaylee. It was unbearable to think of Ella learning the truth from her poisonous lips.
She took the news surprisingly well, bless her. It broke my heart to think it, but she was getting used to dealing with this kind of thing now. Poor child. What had she ever done to deserve such a bad lot in life?
After asking a couple of questions, nodding silently as Mum and Lauren replied, she said she’d like to be alone for a while in her bedroom.
‘She was very quiet, Mum,’ Lauren said once she’d gone upstairs.
‘What did you expect?’
‘I’m not sure. I guess I thought she might cry. Did she understand what we were saying?’
‘I think so, as much as any child can grasp the idea of someone committing suicide.’
‘We’ll have to keep a close eye on her.’
‘Definitely. She needs to know that we love her very much and that we’re not going anywhere. It’s important she feels wanted.’
‘What about me flying home?’
A look of panic spread across Mum’s face. ‘What do you mean? I thought you could stay for a while. You’re not going to abandon me, are you?’
‘No, Mum. Relax. I’m not leaving. I was just wondering whether it might be something preying on Ella’s mind. I came and went before, remember, after Will died.’
I was glad to know that Lauren was staying for a while. It did worry me how Mum would cope without her husband and children around. She was strong, sure, but the sturdiest of buildings is only as stable as its foundations.
I left the two of them talking and headed for Ella’s bedroom. There was no sign of her when I entered, but I knew where to look. ‘Boo,’ I said gently, peering in through the pink mesh window of her usual hideaway. ‘How are you doing in there?’
‘Not good.’
‘Would you like to talk about it?’
‘No.’
‘Did you understand what Nana and Lauren told you?’
Avoiding my eye, she replied with an annoyed grunt. I decided to change tack. ‘Is that Kitten I can see in there with you?’
Another grunt, but less annoyed this time.
‘How’s she doing?’
‘Good.’
‘Have you ever taken her to Cat Land?’
Ella picked the soft toy up and squashed it against her face while sucking her thumb. She shook her head.
‘No? Oh, you should do. Hey, I saw one of the neighbour’s cats in the garden today – a big ginger one. He looked really soft and cuddly.’
‘Where?’ Ella whispered in between sucks.
‘Under one of the bushes in the back garden. He was huge, almost as big as Sam. I bet he eats ten bowls of cat food per day.’
Ella giggled.
‘Have you ever seen him?’
‘No,’ she replied, still sucking her thumb and hugging Kitten, but looking in my direction now. ‘Where’s he from?’
‘I don’t know. He must live around here, though, because I’ve seen him a few times. You’ll have to keep an eye out.’
‘What’s his name?’
‘I call him Fat Cat.’
Another giggle.
‘Do you know what Kitten did when you were at school today?’
She shook her head.
‘She was so naughty, you wouldn’t believe it. She kept sneaking out of your bedroom window and running across the roof. I had to shout at her to get her to stop. She might pretend to be good, but she’s very cheeky when you’re not here.’
Ella had always liked it when I talked to her about animals or made up stories about her toys. Eventually she came out of the tent and started chatting to me. We had to stop a couple of times when Mum and Lauren popped their heads in to check on her; she pretended to be playing a game with her toys. I didn’t push her at all to talk about Dad, but eventually she did.
‘Why did Grandad want to leave us?’
I hadn’t seen the question coming, as a moment earlier we’d been discussing her latest wobbly tooth and whether there were any male tooth fairies.
‘What was that, love?’ I asked, buying myself a few seconds to come up with a decent answer.
‘Why did Grandad want to leave us? That’s why he died himself, isn’t it? He didn’t love us any more.’
‘Of course he still loved us. You especially. He was crazy about you. He was always telling me how he couldn’t have wished for a better granddaughter.’
‘So why did he leave?’
‘I don’t know, darling. I suppose he was just really sad. I know he found it very hard to deal with the effects of his stroke.’
Thank goodness Mum and Lauren hadn’t mentioned anything to Ella about the secret gay affair. Explaining this was hard enough.
‘But he would have got better, wouldn’t he?’
‘Yes. In time I’m sure he would, but he might never have fully recovered.’
‘You were with him at the hospital. Why couldn’t you stop him?’
‘I wish I could have, Ella. But he sneaked off when I was asleep.’
She fell silent, her eyes focused intently on Kitten as she slowly turned the toy around in her hands. ‘Is he already in Heaven?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Well, I hope he’s not. He doesn’t deserve it. He died when he didn’t have to and he didn’t even say goodbye.’
‘Ella! I don’t want to hear you say that ever again. I know you’re upset, but you shouldn’t wish that on anyone; especially not your grandfather.’
I hadn’t spoken particularly harshly, but my words made her cry. She crawled back into the tent and told me to leave her alone. I’d experienced this kind of thing plenty of times before, although this was the first occasion since I’d returned as a spirit. I guess that was the reason it hurt so much. I thought it best to give her some space.
‘Sorry,’ I whispered. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. You know where I am if you want to talk some more.’
Her reply was another angry grunt as she zipped up the tent door.