Mum was at the kitchen table staring at a letter she’d opened. She looked upset.
I stepped around the table to read it as Lauren entered the room behind me. ‘What’s that?’
Mum didn’t reply. She kept staring at the letter, which I could now see came from the Crown Prosecution Service. It listed a date next June for the crown court trial of the woman charged with causing my death by dangerous driving.
‘What’s the matter?’ Lauren asked. ‘What are you reading?’
Mum handed her the letter.
‘Oh,’ Lauren said after staring at it for a minute. ‘Well, that’s good. She needs to be punished. If it wasn’t for her, Ella would still have a father. June’s sooner than they told us, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. It is good news, I suppose. It’s just …’ Mum’s eyes welled up with tears. ‘I miss him so much. The letter made me feel bad. I felt guilty that after everything with your father, I’ve not been thinking about Will enough. Also—’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Mum,’ Lauren and I said in sync, like she was channelling my voice. I stared at my sister in shock as she continued: ‘You’re doing your best to lead this family through a series of impossible situations. I think you’re doing an unbelievable job, honestly.’
She stood behind Mum and hugged her.
‘No one’s forgetting Will. How could we? We’re just coping as best as we can with all the crap being hurled at us. That crash was the start. Let’s hope it ends with the right verdict in court.’
What is the right verdict? I wondered. Do I actually want the driver to go to prison for what she did? With everything else that had been going on, I hadn’t thought about her for a while. And now my anger had faded, I accepted that I didn’t need her to be jailed. How would it help? I’d still be dead and the lives of another family would be ruined. It wasn’t like she’d killed me on purpose. I remembered seeing her at the scene, deathly pale and shaking, vomit on her shoes and hair. She’d have to live with what she’d done for the rest of her life. Perhaps that was punishment enough.
‘She tried to contact me,’ Mum said, grabbing my attention.
‘Who did?’ Lauren asked.
‘The one on trial; the driver. I can’t bring myself to say her name.’
Lauren looked as shocked as I felt. It was the first either of us had heard of this. ‘What? When?’
‘A few days after it happened. She approached me outside Will’s house. God knows how she knew where he lived. I’d been out doing some shopping; when I got back she was there at the front door. I didn’t realize who she was at first. She told me she was sorry about my son’s death, so I assumed she was a friend or a neighbour. But when I asked how she knew him, she broke down and told me everything.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I lost it. I shouted at her to get the hell away from me and my family. I called her a killer and said I’d never forgive her for taking my son away and orphaning my granddaughter. She asked about the funeral; I told her if she dared to come, I’d throw her out myself. I called her every awful name you can think of.’
‘Shit, Mum.’
‘She looked so wretched, so pathetic. I’m supposed to be a Christian. I’m supposed to forgive. But I couldn’t. It was too raw. Was it awful of me to behave like that?’
‘No, Mum. It’s only human. I’d have done the same. Hell, I’d have probably thumped her.’
‘At least she was trying to make amends. Do you think I should contact her now?’
‘No. Definitely not. It might affect the case. Seriously, you’re not going to do that, are you?’
‘No. You’re right. I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll stay away.’
‘Good. And don’t you go feeling guilty about anything. You’re the best person I know.’
Mum’s confession explained a few things. I had wondered whether the driver had considered coming to my funeral. I’d also been surprised not to hear of her contacting my family in some way, although I’d put that down to legal advice. Armed with this extra information, I was even more certain of my feelings about her punishment. It was something that stayed in my head for the rest of the day. That and the fact that this might be the last Friday I’d ever spend on earth.
‘You know the woman who was driving the car that I, um, had the accident with?’ I asked Ella as I sat at the side of her bed that night.
‘Yes.’
‘How do you feel about her?’
‘I hate her.’
I was taken aback by the speed and ferocity of her answer. Unsure how best to counter it, I simply replied: ‘I don’t.’
Confused, Ella asked me why not.
‘Hate is so negative,’ I said. ‘It only makes us feel worse. She didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident and I know she’s really sorry.’
‘But it’s all her fault. If she hadn’t died you with her car, everything would be like it used to be.’
‘She made one stupid mistake. That’s all. I don’t think she’s a bad person. I don’t think we should hate her.’
‘Well, Auntie Lauren says she’s going to be on a court soon and after that she’ll have to go in a prison. That’s where bad people go.’
I looked towards the bedroom door, which was open as usual to let light in from the landing. ‘The thing is, Ella, I don’t think she should go to prison. I’d rather she didn’t.’
I probably shouldn’t have been discussing this with my daughter, but I felt I had to say something and there was no other family member I could tell.
‘There are other ways of punishing her for what she did,’ I added.
‘Like what?’
‘Well, she definitely won’t be allowed to drive any more. And sometimes they get people to do unpaid work in the community instead of prison: picking up litter, sweeping the streets, that kind of thing. I’ve even heard of drivers who’ve caused accidents having to go into schools to teach children about road safety.’
Ella gasped. ‘She won’t come to my school will she?’
I cursed myself for giving such a stupid example. ‘No, of course not. Don’t worry. That would never happen.’
The reporter in me couldn’t help imagining the fallout if it did. The papers would be all over it. I could picture the headline: ORPHAN MEETS DAD’S KILLER IN ASSEMBLY.
‘Why are you talking about this now, Daddy? Auntie Lauren said she wouldn’t be at court until summer – and that’s ages away.’
‘It is a long way off, love. I, er, just wanted you to know how I feel … in case.’
‘In case what?’
I did my best to sound calm as the unthinkable left my lips. ‘In case I’m not around any more.’
Ella jolted up in bed. ‘What do you mean? You said you’d never leave me. You promised.’
Despite everything I’d been told to the contrary, I was still struggling to accept the idea of leaving my daughter. My mind was far from made up. But with such little time left and no word from Lizzie about her mysterious proposal, I felt I had to at least prepare Ella for that possibility. God, it was tough, though. I could barely look her in the eye. ‘I did say that, darling. And I meant it. But I didn’t know then what I do now.’
Tears welled up in her eyes. ‘What do you mean? Are you leaving or not?’
I forced the words out of my mouth before I had a chance to change my mind. ‘I might have to, darling.’
‘Why?’ she wailed. ‘I need you.’
‘Shh, Ella. Calm down, please.’
But it was already too late. I heard the sound of feet on the stairs. Lauren appeared at the bedroom door. ‘What’s the matter?’ she asked, racing over to her niece. I had to duck and roll out of the way to avoid her. She perched on the edge of the bed and Ella threw her arms around her, sobbing into her jumper.
‘What’s up, Ella? You were all smiles when I said goodnight. Did you have a nightmare?’
Ella shook her head and continued to bawl her eyes out. I felt awful. And I’d not even told her the worst part yet: that I could be gone by Monday lunchtime.
Then I looked at the way she was hugging her auntie, squeezing her with all her might and getting the same back. The sight reminded me of all the things I could no longer offer her and how important it was to have someone physically there for her. Someone who could give her hugs, who could tie her hair up in a ponytail, cook for her and protect her from harm. That wasn’t me – not now – and it never would be again.
But Lauren would be back in the Netherlands soon. Mum would do her best for her granddaughter, but would she be able to cope all alone while grieving for her husband and son? As well-behaved as Ella was now, what about when she became a teenager? She’d be a prime candidate to rebel after everything she’d been through. Would Mum be able to handle it alone?
Ella’s tears had abated, so Lauren asked again what was wrong.
‘It’s Daddy,’ she said, making me fear for a moment that she was going to tell Lauren the truth. ‘I miss him so much.’
‘Of course you do, my love. I know how much you and your daddy meant to each other. It’s not fair that he’s gone. None of what we’ve been through is fair, but we have to stick together and help each other through it. I miss my dad too. That’s what Grandad was to me.’
‘I know,’ Ella sniffed. ‘And my daddy’s your brother.’
‘That’s right. And I loved him very much. It’s only normal to miss people when they’re not around. I’ve missed Xander terribly over the last few days, even though I know I’m going to see him again when he flies in tomorrow night. And I always miss you, my favourite niece, when we’re not together.’
A tiny smile appeared on Ella’s face. ‘I’m your only niece.’
Lauren tickled her under the chin. ‘There’s no getting anything past you these days, is there? Well, guess what.’
‘What?’
She pulled her into another tight hug, whispering: ‘Even if I did have other nieces, you’d still be my favourite.’
‘Are you all right?’ I asked Ella once Lauren had gone and Mum had also popped in to give her a kiss. She was sucking her thumb and her eyes were heavy. She didn’t reply. Not even a nod or a shake of the head.
‘I didn’t mean to upset you,’ I whispered. ‘That’s the last thing I want. You’re more important to me than anyone or anything else. You’re my everything.’
She turned her head away from me on the pillow, facing the wall.
‘Okay,’ I whispered. ‘I get the hint. You don’t want to talk to me now. I’ll let you sleep. Goodnight.’
Still no reply.
That went well, I thought, as I trudged down the stairs, wondering whether or not I’d done the right thing. Then I heard a familiar voice.
‘Lizzie,’ I said in surprise.
Early the next morning Ella ran up to me in the kitchen with her arms wide open, like she was going to hug me. I think it was only when I took a nervous step backwards that she remembered to stop. ‘Sorry. I forgot.’
‘Don’t be sorry, love. I wish we could hug. There’s nothing I’d like better.’
‘Me too.’
It was just after 5.30 a.m. I’d been standing there, staring out of the window, for ages. A light covering of snow had fallen during the night, which created a magical floodlight effect across the garden despite the fact it was still dark outside.
‘What is it, darling?’ I asked, noticing that Ella had been crying.
She looked away. I knew better than to push, but I guessed that she’d woken up and, not seeing me in her room, had panicked. Who could blame her for fearing that I’d gone after the conversation we’d had last night?
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ I explained, ‘so I decided to give Sam some company.’
I glanced over at the chestnut and white lump of fur sprawled before the radiator. He’d raised his head and opened one eye when Ella had entered but was zonked out again now.
‘Sorry for upsetting you last night, love. Are we friends again?’
She nodded, still not looking at me.
This wasn’t the moment for more serious discussions. Ella was too emotional and I was exhausted. All I wanted right now was to spend some quality time with my girl.
I’d been thinking non-stop for hours following Lizzie’s visit last night. Her plan to help with my decision had come to fruition. She’d confounded me with a new option – a third way forward. It was a possibility only offered in extraordinary circumstances, she’d explained, and it demanded to be considered. Little wonder I’d not been able to sleep.
‘Come on, darling,’ I said, leading Ella out of the kitchen, glad of a break. ‘Let’s go to the lounge so we don’t wake up the others. Shut the door behind us, there’s a good girl.’
I suggested playing a game, but Ella didn’t want to. ‘What would you like to do, love?’
‘Read story,’ she said in the baby voice she sometimes adopted when tired or wanting attention.
‘Sure. Would you like to read to me?’
She pulled a sad face and shook her head. ‘Daddy read to Ella.’
I’d usually have told her to speak properly and to say please, but in the circumstances I didn’t have the heart. ‘Very well then, but you’ll have to turn the pages for me.’
She ran upstairs to her bedroom, returning with an armful of colourful books about fairies, kittens, princesses and puppies. An hour later, just after 6.30 a.m., we’d got through the lot. I couldn’t remember ever reading quite so many books to Ella in one go before, although I was happy to do it. When it comes to escapism, there’s little better than a good children’s story and a wide-eyed youngster to enjoy it.
‘That’s the lot,’ I said. ‘We can read another one if you like, but you’ll have to run upstairs and get it.’
‘That’s okay,’ she said, removing her thumb from her mouth and twirling one of her longest curls into a corkscrew. ‘I’ve had enough now.’
She scrutinized me with those big green eyes of hers before adding: ‘I thought you’d gone when I woke up.’
I nodded. ‘I know you did, darling. I could tell when I saw how upset you were. Sorry I made you think that.’
‘Are you going to leave me?’
I fought to keep my voice steady. ‘I don’t want to.’
Her bottom lip quivered as tears began to flow. ‘You promised you’d stay.’
I looked at the heartbreak on my beautiful little girl’s face – a face I loved more than any other – and in that awful moment I made my final decision. I found a pinprick of light in the darkness and finally knew what I had to do in two days’ time.