Morning came again, way too early, and I got ready for work just like every other morning. I’ll be the first to admit I was cranky as hell from a bad night’s sleep, so I threw an extra three shots of espresso in my coffee on the way out the door and sweetened it with 1000 milligrams of Tylenol. I’d chase it later with a Red Bull if I felt myself starting to fade.
I was in a fog all morning, barely acknowledging my co-workers with nods and grunts. Traffic was light as I drove out to my route, and I hoped it would be an easy day, but there are times you can feel it in your gut, that it’s just gonna be one of those days. I’ll be first in line to preach that hope is nothing but a breeding ground for disappointment, today included.
The first hour or so went off without a hitch and then it got weird. Real weird. Yeah, that first hour went by with minimal annoyances, but then it got all twisted up like a pair of too-small undies on a hot day. I was on Park Street passing by a vacant house that didn’t receive mail delivery. I just happened to casually look over and noticed something on the porch that looked like a package of some sort. Aggravation kicked in, I could bet that one of the subs on the route delivered a package to this house even though nobody lived there. Or, maybe one of the other delivery services left it there, in which case it wasn’t my problem, but damnit, I’d get blamed if it was a package one of our guys left.
I pulled into the driveway and parked, then approached the porch. What the hell? It wasn’t a package, it was a car seat for a child, and there was a baby strapped in it! Who the heck would leave a baby outside an empty house? Well, maybe there were prospective buyers inside right now who had forgotten their kid and left it on the porch. I’ve seen worse parents, so it wouldn’t surprise me, but there weren’t any cars in front of the house. The door was locked when I tried it, so picking up the car seat I walked around to the back yard.
“Hello? Anybody there? Somebody missing a baby?” I called out. The backyard was empty.
In typical male behavior, I realized hadn’t even spared the kid a second look. Sure, initially I glanced at it to make sure it was a normal color and breathing, but I didn’t really take a good look at the thing. I put the car seat down and studied the little scrub. What can I say, it looked like a little baby, maybe around six months old. Boy or girl, I couldn’t really tell you, it was dressed in a white onesie, and I wasn’t about to check. The thing didn’t have any hair, and its eyes were dark, almost black, with no whites showing. Uber-creepy. I took the rug-monkey back to my vehicle and grabbed my phone. The police needed to be involved on this one, I couldn’t just leave it here and I couldn’t take it with me, that would violate USCS regulations. My cell phone was drained though, completely dead. Crap, either I forgot to charge it or the phone overheated and shut down again.
I carried the baby to the next door neighbor’s house and knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again, no response. I went up and down both sides of Park Street on foot pounding on every door. Not one person answered. Either this was a really strange coincidence or my customers all hated me, neither explanation was plausible. No traffic or pedestrians passed me on the street. It was completely dead.
Well, regulations be damned, I had to get this baby somewhere safe, so I put it in the vehicle just behind and to the left of my seat and wedged it between a couple of boxes so it wouldn’t move around. While I drove down Park Street, I weighed my options. I could stop at the nearest business and use their phone to call the police or ask anybody I saw on the street to call for me. A quick check showed me the baby was doing fine, gurgling and drooling all over its pudgy little fingers.
Three blocks flew by when it suddenly dawned on me that the baby had gotten quiet. I started to turn my head to check on it, and that’s when sharp claws raked my scalp and back while pointy little teeth sank into the side of my neck. A few choice words escaped my lips and I reached back to grab whatever rabid animal had attacked me. Whatever it was fought, bit and clawed as I dragged it up in front of me. Mother of Mitochondria---it was the baby! The thing’s head had grown and malformed so that it resembled a giant tater tot sitting on its shoulders, and those beady little eyes now glowed a malevolent red. The mouth was huge, lined with double rows of teeth like a shark and both of the chubby baby arms now ended in claw-like appendages that resembled knife blades attached to gnarled, nubby fingers, all dripping crimson with the blood of my lacerated scalp and back.
“Freaking meth baby!” I yelled into the snarling face. It lunged at me again with strength beyond a normal baby, and I could barely keep it at arm’s length away from my face and throat.
A brief, frantic struggle ensued, then the tiny body went limp. The oversized tater tot head rotated to look up at me before the drool oozing mouth giggled maniacally.
“Tibi sunt praenotati,” it hissed in a raspy voice straight out of the Exorcist. “You are marked! For trespasses against the Dark One, you will be punished. I will drag your soul to Hell and feast upon it for eternity!”
“Oh hey, is this about me crushing that animal on my front end yesterday? ‘Cuz that thing was totally at fault, it ran out in front of my vehicle! Big misunderstanding, really.” I tried to reason with the foul abomination.
Suddenly, the baby seemed to melt back into a normal baby shape, crying and hiccuping all at once, it looked just like it did when I found it. Did the demonic presence leave it? Was this some sort of trick to lull me into a false sense of security? Momma didn’t raise no fool. I strapped the little cretin back into the car seat and secured it with an entire roll of packing tape. That little bastard was wrapped tighter than a mummy, leaving only a small space for the nose and mouth. I just prayed I didn’t get pulled over by a cop, it’d be really hard to explain this one. Once again, I threw the baby carrier behind my seat, then the adrenaline wore off and pain lanced through my lacerated head and neck. There was a lot of blood, but nothing seemed seriously damaged so I figured I’d keep driving, stop somewhere to call the cops and ditch the accursed infant.
Not two blocks went by when again I felt the weight of the demon baby slam into the left side of my head. The claws on its hands and feet wrapped around my cranium like it was hugging a beach ball as it tried to gnaw on my scalp. My foot slammed the brake pedal and I yelled out in anger, “That’s it---that’s it! You wanna play? You wanna dance with the big man? Let’s dance!” I pried the baby off my head with my left arm, grabbed the steering wheel with my right arm and hammered the gas pedal.
“It’s on, Squirt, oh, it’s on!” The devil child was a squirming bundle of fury, and I could barely hold it away from me while I drove. It spewed obscenities vile enough to make a sailor blush, and screamed really bizarre things at me, trying to scare me I suppose.
“Gimme a break, I’ve seen and heard worse stuff on cable TV!” I yelled back.
I didn’t really have a plan, and to be honest, I was a little worried about how this was all going to end. How do you deal with a demon baby from Hell? I kind of just went with my gut on this one; don’t judge me, you know my name but not my story. Well, until now, I suppose.
Anyhow, I kinda chucked the baby out the window. I know that sounds horrible, but come on, cut me some slack, the li’l tyke was kicking my ass! I was doing about 60 mph, and I expected to see the baby in pieces all over the asphalt. Don’t get judgy on me--it was a demon, not a baby! There was nothing on the road. The brakes locked up underfoot, and I threw the vehicle into reverse, backing up to the spot where I ditched it. Nothing, not even a blood spot. I scanned both sides of the road and didn’t see anything. Well okay then, it’s gone. Not my problem anymore.
I was going to have a heck of a time explaining to my boss why my head and shoulders were torn to shreds, but hey, stuff happens when you deliver mail. It was time to head back to the station and make up a story involving a rabid bear, a special needs child, and my timely intervention that helped save a life. Some other schlub could finish the route, I was pretty frazzled. And, the best part was that I’d come out of this looking like a hero! Excited, I drove off into the sunset while dreams of a medal for heroism danced in my head, so it came as no surprise that I failed to see two beady little red eyes that peered over the edge of the back bumper. Nor did I hear the evil chuckle.